One foot in front of the other.
Yesterday was supposed to be a night off with the caregiver here last night and this morning. Didn't work out that way. I got anxious because there wasn't going to be anyone there overnight and they are both on oxygen, so I came home early... and it was a good thing I did, Things weren't good... mom hadn't had meds or eaten, diapers hadn't been taken out... I think she has poor vision. I used to feel fine as long as someone checked on them, but I don't think they can handle that anymore. Dad really hates the caregiver. I told him to call them and ask for someone else. It is his contract. He doesn't want to. He just wants to complain. I told him I'd look to engage another agency once one of the bedrooms is cleaned out so he has someplace to hang out. I don't think he will be any happier with someone else till he has a place to escape to.
When I am unhappy and I don't know what to do about it, I clean. So I cleaned a lot. Bedroom is looking better. Put WD40 on the stuck screw. Fingers crossed I can get the cat box out and reclaim my yoga space.
Kitty's new personalized, black and silver reflective kitty collar arrived today. He was pretty happy about it and braved my dog to come hang out with me. He's got a matching 6' leash and harness for the full-on adventure kitty look. I'm super looking forward to returning the $30 one I bought at petco. It's not colorfast and he's teal wherever it touched his white fur. And my clothes. And the rug.
Augh.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Trying to make health a priority.
Settled on buying the cheaper tickets for boyfriend which with service fees were $55. Perfectly reasonable birthday present for anyone in my life. I don't need to spend extra if I don't feel comfortable in the relationship. I'm starting to feel like I'm a "convenient" girlfriend, not the woman he's in love with. I don't like that.
Moving the bed (into the spot where my dog's bed was) to make space for yoga has resulted in a leaky dog (uninary incontinence) who demands to be in my bed at all times. I think it's that she wants a view of the door. The upside is that she won't pee in my yoga space.. just my bed. Augh. The laundry and work this is going to take... I have diapers for her but she can't go out to the patio with them on. My dad can't take them off, and lets her in/out and into my room whenever she wants. A lot of people put their dogs down when they reach the leaky stage, but she still cuddles, goes for walks and eats.
We had the best cuddle with the cat this morning... all 3 of us. I think even my dog purred. I had a sweatshirt on to pad the cat and he kneaded on my neck. It felt amazing. I would have paid for that.
Looking for the stripped screw kit for the bathroom door. I must get the kitty box in there so he has a bathroom even if I close my bedroom door.
Focus for today is on getting food cooked and myself ready to go to Molly's tonight to use the jacuzzi and have a girls night in.
Focus for the weekend is getting the middle bedroom setup so that my dad can sleep in there and get a break when I'm awake and here. I'd offered him my bedroom to nap in, but with all the drama here I can't give up my spot to retreat to. He sleeps sitting up so I can just pop the recliner in there and make more space for the wheelchair. I think.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
good job having some food for a real meal instead of a binge. if i were you, my skin would be also thanking me - whenever i overdose on sugar i do break out on my face. my skin is very sensitive in general to my diet.
great job on cleaning up and booking your appts. you are really doing well, since you have rejoined us here after a few weeks away if i remember correctly :)
i'm glad you bought the cheaper tickets! it's the same concert as the more expensive tickets. you'll see the same stuff. hear the same things...i always go cheaper when i can (unless i were rich! haha!)
now that you have a cat, maybe think about the scenario with the dog...due to her getting older.
You are a true animal lover :)
You sound amazingly focused and in control. Proud of you and i love that you come here for support! thank you for the tips on my laptop!.
Extra post for today because I think it is worth it. I’m off my habits with all the hospice/dental stuff and my neck really hurts to the point where I’d ask for pain killers. I sighed and groaned while trying to get it together to go get milk. Dad asked what was wrong. I said I was feeling down. He offered me one of his frozen breakfast sandwiches... processed and simple carbs with sodium. Poison, basically. I got really sad and thought, this is why he’s sick. He always feels down and eats when he’s down.
Got out to the store and stopped next door for sides of hummus and broccoli. Shake it off.
Need to book an appointment with an OT. Actually makes me feel better.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Still haven't been able to focus and do family photos with mom. She's so angry and unhappy all the time. I'm starting to wish I hadn't called 911 for her any of the times she nearly died. She'd have had an easy, peaceful death the first time at least. She's literally starving to death.
A little anxious about BF. He hasn't invited me to any birthday plans (says he doesn't have any), hasn't introduced me to any of his friends, never talks about future plans, and we're going on 9mos. I figure I want to get him tickets to a horror convention for his birthday but I'm not sure if I should go for the $99 ($198 for 2) golden pass tickets or the $20 ($40 for 2) presale standard admission. Half of me thinks he won't be around long and not to go for the extra expense when cash is tight. The other half says thinking that way guarantees it.
Cat is acting a little aloof. I think he might be sick.
Went off nutrition plan last after Lunesta again. Ate bread, cereal, and ice cream... all things I don't normally go for but are here for my parents. Ugh. Apparently nocturnal eating is a side effect of Lunesta.
Ugh.
To get fitness back on track, I need to:
I took the gym and yoga off my "Pattern" portion of my calendar... time I reserve for each of the things I want to do regularly and the drive time to do them. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just... Home. All day. All night. I've fallen out of the world.
So incredibly tired even though I got a full night of sleep and a few hours to myself this morning. Augh.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I forget what lunesta is, will look it up. i hope you feel better.
as for your mom, with her sickness she isn't in her right mind. i am so sorry. don't take it personally, anythign she does or says, this is what happens and it is not related to you or anything you do. she is struggling and i think you made the right decision not to get a feeding tube. i am sorry, Happy. keep striving for yourself and to do good things in your life. stay positive, stay focussed and keep up the good work you do on getting back on track. you can do this, you are a smart woman!
Your list sounds a lot like my lists lately! i also have too many greens to handle - cooking them today! :) I got them from Misfits. I also got a cauliflower - will be roasting it! ...and too many other things! i have cucumbers which i'll turn into a cucumber salad. just so much food! which i'm happy about - i do not have to shop for veggies. i even have those tiny sweet peppers. planning to make a bunch of things.
Like you again - planning to change where i work out - really wanting to start to exercise on my terrace. only thing is, i'll have to keep opening the terrace door every time i want to use a difference size of weights - i am nervous letting bugs in!? lol.....
and like you, i must organize! i KNOW you also love to organize and plan for the future (with being safe and stuff from mother nature / earthquakes!)
also, for your #8 impossible goal,you must realize it is HIM not you. you cannot change him. if he is pulling out, just in your head know this. so he doesn't hurt you. i am sorry you are going thru rough times now with this.
Why did you take yoga off? Why are you staying home? i recommend you to try to fit one in...
i think you might be a little depressed about the things that you cannot change - your mom and bf...
remember to sleep (oh, is that the lunesta!?)...and you will feel better.
i'm always rooting for you.
Thank you for cheering me on! I get so lonely and this site really helps.
Extra post because good news from the dentist warrants it!!!! Oral hygeine routine hasn't really improved but nutrition has... and for the first time ever, I have no plaque buildup, receeding, pocketed, or bleeding gums.
Yay Rise nutritionist!!!
Except for the giant abcess that means I need to get an old baby tooth out ASAP. OW.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
you have a baby tooth!?
Kitty spent the night out of the crate last night. I had enough trust built up in him that I was going to try to sleep with him last night, but my dog was in bed already and he said "No thank you" very politely, then dug at my door to be let out. He then spent the entire night glued to my mom in her hospital bed. She really wasn't feeling well, and I deeply appreciate this little kitty keeping her company. Her mood this morning is a lot better than normal. Waking up and saying good morning to her was so much less heartbreaking.
Also tremendously relieved to see him go find his litterbox in his crate all on his own this AM.
Got anxious about bf last night. He doesn't want to do overnights on fridays or saturdays. Fri he sees his buddy for coffee till 1am. Saturday isn't fun for me because he has to be at his mom's by 9am. Also we just don't talk much anymore... so it's boring. I'd tell him I'm bored off my ass and not having fun, but I don't want to rock the boat right now.
Aunt wants her son to connect me with a consulting job 4.5 hours south (with traffic). I don't know how she thinks I can pull that off. I'm all PTSD from the drama, taking care of my mom at home, dad is headed to hospice next (he's eating emotionionally and bringing on dialysis). Plus there's still 3 hoarded rooms to clear out. And also... I just don't want to give up time with my mom. I know she's not her biggest fan... but my mom is still my mom.
Dental stuff today. I can do this.
Step 1... pants.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Good luck with the dentist.
i guess if you really don't want the 4.5hr away job, don't take it?
SO TIRED.
Yesterday, I walked 3+ miles with errands, not a big deal but it was in the full sun and I had a 9.5lb tomcat in my purse that felt like 20lbs on the way home. Lots of people got excited about a cat in a purse and took photos. I will now remember to plan my outfit choices more carefully!!!
Then I did chores all night. Fell asleep last night in the chair next to my mom. Woke up about 3am to change her and just kept doing chores for 9h straight.
Chores included making healthy versions of "Just Crack N Egg" with uncured chicken sausage and veggies. My dad has actually figured out how to make them up as omletttes for himself.
The cat continues to be a solace to my mom. I have no idea how I would do this without him. He knows how to earn his spot 100%. He's trying to curl up with me in my bed, which besides the 6" of personal space my dog demands, is the only sacred thing my dog won't share. She shows big white teeth as soon as he hits the bed. This prompts me to pick him up and put him out with my mom and also hang out there with her (and finish putting away all the clean laundry). Somehow he changes the energy and I can stand to be there next to her. She's so unhappy and angry. The cat changes it into a mellower verson that allows me into her space. Still haven't gone through the family photos yet... Just the wrong vibe. I change her wrong, I'm too rough helping her turn over (mostly I don't have enough fine motor control on the right side), she hates the tv signal quality, nothing is right.
Today was especially hard. I am having dental problems that may be an abcess... But I got super sick changing her diaper and wasn't enough of a help to my dad. It was a family drama. I was able to book a caregiver for several days so that I can get to a dentist appointment and recover after.
Not really eating right. Just kind of grabbing (too many) snacks here and there instead of real meals.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
You are doing such a fantastic job. You should know that.
also, great job on walking 3mi! that's a really good mileage right there!
That's good your dad is prepping some of his own food.
Your mom is having the worst of times - so her personality may change a LOT from what you are used to bc of her sickness / the prescriptions. i have seen this in the past in my own grandmother.
keep some healthy snacks much more conveniently around, it should help you. one other thing a can recommend is that you always have a light drink around - like seltzer (i continuously sweeten mine with stevia - gotta order more stevia now actually!!), and other light drinks. they'll give you the "oral fix!
seltzer and stevia is a good plan. I'm digging hot licorice tea.
The cat stories are heartwarming...
The hospice social worker and the nurse tag teamed my dad and talked him into giving me a night off and getting in a caregiver. God bless them. Left parents and pets at home with a very nice lady who has a million pets herself and totally understood having to supervise a cat you adopted during an “impulse control moment” and have to completely redo the house to accommodate. Bless her! I’m assuming no calls means no drama. I should probably call, but... eh.
I write this from the bathroom of a nice hotel room with free breakfast and a quiet bathtub I do not have to get out of because anyone else needs to use it... and then sleeps in there for two hours. And in the room watching tv and drinking coffee is my very hot kickboxing boyfriend.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
If this goes well, perhaps your dad will be open to having this happen again. You needed this so very badly!
I hope you had a wonderful time Saturday night! :) Sounds much better than ANY of my saturday night adventures recently, i'll tell you that!
No chemo for mom. She started hospice yesterday instead. Her pre-chemo test results were really bad. It's a big reversal.
Last week I took my mom to a cat show and couldn't help but get my mom a cat (you would have too if you saw her there... kitty hunger) and he's really taking the edge off. When mom is sad and inconsolable, deploy the cat... Not really a cat person, but I needed to do SOMETHING for her. "Sorry you feel so lousy. Sorry I never had grandkids for you... I can't fix that. I can, however take on something I never really wanted to do and get you a cat and guarantee it a home after you pass."
She's not so in love as she was at first because he got really plump after a few square meals and is too strong for her. Also she has some kind of weird anger because I integrated him with my dog differently than she wanted me to, they totally get along, and he even goes on walks with us. They sleep and eat peacefully within a couple of feet of each other. It's like she's angry that I didn't make it some long, complex process and it still worked out anyway. I basically decided that my dog should get everything she ever wanted every time I look at the cat so that she'd think "Why didn't you get a cat sooner? Cats are the best thing ever!" Other than the cat trying to use my dog as a land bridge from the top of his crate to my desk... and a yelp of displeasure from my dog... Peace in the kingdom.
Current kitty hurdles are that he has terrible diarrhea and I had to toss his scratchpad so he wants to scratch but can't. Also, he wants to make mom's art storage his home. Noooo... So he's confined to the crate when unsupervised and he is definitely not a fan of that. As soon as he poops he's desperate to get out of the crate and it's a racket and a half. Off to the free vet visit with the ASPCA voucher to find out why kitty has explosive poops...
Goal for today is to go to the vet, grocery store, and come back and look at photos with my mom.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I am amazed you got her a cat!? wow! that's a BIG gift from you! and a big responsibility but you wrote you have wanted one :)
wow - the cat goes on walks with your dog? amazing!
good luck on the vet visit with your kitty! how cute. yeah, i'm sure it's best to keep her in the crate when not supervised! :)
Our latest kitty had a poop problem too. 10 days of some liquid meds and she's fine now. Make sure you take a stool sample when you visit the vet (?).
Cats aren't like dogs though, so I hope you don't have him in the crate for too long.
Our latest kitty had a poop problem too. 10 days of some liquid meds and she's fine now. Make sure you take a stool sample when you visit the vet (?).
Cats aren't like dogs though, so I hope you don't have him in the crate for too long.
I do hope that your mom finds some comfort in her hospice treatment. (((hugs)))
Om.
Woke up at 3:30am this morning with all-over body aches and pains. I think it is either arthritis or general aches and pains from the strain of cleaning rugs and hauling my mom around at the last minute appointment to get a pickline for chemo... Apparently she starts next week. Even though "Everything hurts and I'm dying", I am grateful to be back on schedule and have some early morning hours to myself to get my head together. I spent my morning creating a functional desk, nightstand, and workspace in my new room.
I did get to yoga on Wednesday, even though I was too out of it to leave the house and go... I tried an online live yoga app (Yogaia, but there are others). I don't know why I haven't before except that now that I finally have a door I can close, space to stretch out in and a clean carpet. I just went out to my car and grabbed my mat, blocks, blanket, and strap... good to go. Today I set up my tripod for my phone to give the instructor a better view of my poses... I still need a good mirror... and like 3 more feet of space on all sides!!! But one step at a time. I don't do yoga videos because I want the pose corrections from an instructor... I've wasted so much time with this neck injury and worked so hard to pull it back together I don't want to do anything to knock it out of position. Online and live seems like a good happy medium and a decent solve while I struggle through taking care of two terminally ill parents.
Yesterday instead of yoga though I went and got a haircut. I love my hair stylist, She's so nice and I destress so much. I really appreciate her tremendously. I was so desperate for something to make me feel human and this really, really helped. I actually got to feel like my old self again for a few hours last night. This was also helped by my Old Navy splurge on tall size yoga clothes and a salmon tank top. Everything shrinks and gets too short I swear. So not buying anything regular size ever again.
Today, I will continue to spend the morning on a million tiny tasks to set myself up for success, and possibly make up a couple of meals I have the ingredients for. Then I want to do a yoga class at lunch, then try to get my parents out of the house in the afternoon for some kind of outing. Burn off the shut in crazy a little if I can.
Tomorrow I see my guy!
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Online and Live yoga!? amazing!!!! that sounds awesome indeed! And so convenient to do at home. that's cool.
yes, i've had issues i believe with old navy and shrinking / short size pants getting too short!
i'm glad you got your hair cut and feel good. I need to get highlights, but, since time is sorta racing lately, i'm actually just letting my roots show for longer and don't really care! if i had more gray, i think i'd care, but, since most of my roots are brown i figure who gives.
good for you on cooking!!!! lately i cook a TON since ordering the veggies! :) I like to google recipes for what i have / want to make and choose that day. i have so many herbs and spices that i do usually have what's needed to get a veggie dish right! also wanna make a corned beef i have in the freezer :)
Have a nice day, you do sound good!
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Wow, so the caregiver didn't do anything??? What the heck??? I can only imagine the feelings: upset, frustration, exhaustion, sadness...
My cats could never get the hang of a harness. Stinky and Merlin would just flop on their sides and refuse to move. Mindy was the only one to have the slightest idea of what it was for, but she still didn't really like it much. However, there are cats that get it and love it!
Yeah... She also apparently badmouths me to the visiting nurses when I'm not here. I think I need to get a different agency in to switch unless I want to make a real enemy in life.
He's an awesome cat. Also, I just realized his collar matches his kitty carry sling/bag... He's stylin'.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/01/2019:
Good you checked on parents. Good you are doing so much at home to keep things under control.
I'd like to say that some people get cranky with old age and perhaps NO caregiver would make your dad happy? or is this one just not the best?