So PMS my brain is floating.

Woke: 9:30am. Weirdest dream about leaving my suitcase in the hallway of a hotel and everything stolen out of it but the suitcase was still there.

Breakfast: Couldn't make a decent cu of coffee. Kitchen is filthy. Just ate pocky stick candy, straightened up stuff in living room and bailed. 

12:30 - Shrink is back from vacation. Had a nice call with her about Scott (probably hopeless incompatibility at the values level) and whether or not I should buy an acquaintance's 99 Chevy Tahoe (yes, probably).

Lunch: Grilled chicken sandwich on 1/2  a bun, sweet potato fries, diet coke.

3pm - At coworking space with printer setup. 

9:10 am - woke up, late. Ugh. Discovered mom had had an accident in the bathroom and only sort of cleaned it up. Yuck. Cleaning one thing led to cleaning another and 5 hours later all I have accomplished in my day is 1) bathroom cleanup, 2) made myself breakfast, 3) failed at attempt to train dog to open the screen door using a pull toy, 4) showered, 5) made bed, 6) deleted daily emoticon text from Scott. They just make me angry. They feel like a substitute for actual communication and connection, a little patronizing. 7) paid for sierra club trip. 8) searched for and bought baby food pouches with ziplock bottom to use for packing condiments and fat in cooler. 9) took a few minutes to write this post.

Ate: Trail mix, iced coffee, chicken chorizo and 2 eggs, avocado slice, cheese, 

4:45pm - The next 3 hours I spent going to the 99 cent store where I bought 2 cooler bags and bandannas for mess kits to take camping and then spotted the vegan chicken strips my mom likes so I picked some up and then had to bring them home to put in the fridge. A miscalculation on my part. Made myself lunch. Called back M who is in town. Tempted to blow everything off on the planet so I can hang with her. Still need to do paperwork, pack meds, get dog shots and got to doc appt in the morning. Ugh. Told her I'd meet her in San Diego saturday and then take her and her nephew to a movie.

Told dad 3x I needed a break and should be left alone before he got the message and let me be. Him yelling a my dog makes me angry, and I can't stop him. All I can do is say that I am angry, this is why, I need a break now. I cannot help you today. I am too angry.

5:40. Time to get ready to go to pet store. Rabies shots and a cone! Who knows how to party? This chick.  I also need some tent decorations and snorkel gear for sierra club trip.

7:30 - Vetco won't honor the shot and I am out $20. Have to call customer service tomorrow. Will dispute transaction if they don't. So mad. 2 hours gone. Aaaargh. Super hungry so i picked up vietnamese sandwiches even though my dad does not deserve them.

3:30am and can't sleep, despite sleeping pills. So much for making it to bootcamp... or anything really tonight. So tired. Online therapist isn't responding. I think she is on vacation. Feeling a bit like I hit a wall at 40... Trying not to eat what is eating me.

Here is my diet log for Tuesday:

2 mini pizzas and diet coke (found them in the freezer and fell off the wagon)

Fancy mexican paleo lunch I made for my parents. Can't figure out why they got high blood sugar. It was meat, veggies, beans, a little cheese. Mine didn't even tick up a point.

Nothing the rest of the day. Went to a movie. Came home starving.

Kale salad with chicken.

Chicken rice and bean leftovers

Trail mix

Thinking about all the friends I have let slip away and miss terribly. I wish I could just sign up for a service to "fix" me. Might be a good plot for a novel. The heroine hits 40 and has no one to invite to her birthday and realizes that she needs to change. She meets a con artist who puts multi vitamins in a different bottle and hands her one each time she identifies something she wants to change. Except she believes so strongly it will work that she changes even though they aren't anything special.

Went to sleep at 4 am, woke up at 11am. Ugh! Not going to make any progress at this rate.

11am - faked a Starbucks iced mocha with cold brew coffee, choc powder, stevia, and half n half. Apparently my mom had never heard that fake sugar substitutes raise your blood sugar higher than sugar so you need to avoid them, but stevia extract is sort of ok if it is from the health food store.

12: tried to make vegan gyros. Not enough focus. Sorted out toiletries instead. For someone who only uses a little makeup and hair product I really have a lot!!!!! I must have tried a million things that didn't work. Big pile for the hazmat collection box.

1pm - Dog pooped in the house!!!! Apparently she doesn't want to go out due to paw injury. Have to get her a cone. She opened it up by licking and now it is infected.

3:30- ate my dad's last lean cuisine. Have to buy him more. Got a call from that guy who might be a player but also might be a catch. Have to run him by my friend Helena and Molly.

5pm. Dressed and ready to go out. Finished sorting toiletries. Remaing living room projects are cleaning off kitchen table, sorting through the last few boxes (22, will this never end?).Debating closing windows and going out b/c it will get hot if i leave and take a long time to cool off.

6pm - the extra hour I put in really helped. I managed to get all the boxes out from around the kitchen table and into stacks. So now there is: - a pile of boxes of parental paperwork, - a pile of unsorted boxes (that could contain who knows what but i am hoping for stuff like flashlights for the earthquake barrel) - a pile of empty cardboard boxes and stuff to organize other stuff with - a pile of my stuff that I need to straighten out - a pile of camping stuff I can use to put together emergency bags for my parents - a pile of toiletries - a pile of my bags, fully packed for different activities. - a box of food to use up or toss, upon closer inspection

scrambled to leave to make it to pharmacy before they closed....waiting for COBRA to kick in and my meds were $500!!!!!

Had a slice of pizza and some diet fruit punch. Then went and picked up rotisserie chickens, fruit and tuna. Stopped at Trader Joes on the way home to pick up stuff for vegetarian gyros. I need to use up vital wheat gluten, nutritional yeast, and some falaffel mix.

9:20pm. Had some rotisserie chicken and chocolate chip cookies. Fridge is jam packed again. Ugh. They alwys overbuy. Going to try to get to bed by 11:30 tonight.

11:30pm - ordered some stuff online... 2 dog gates for my parents, copper tape for sweet potato vine, muzzle for doggie earthquake kit, pool shock for camping and earthquake bins. Took 1 trazadem and 6 melatonins. Let's hope I sleep tonight.

Goals for tomorrow are packing meds and viamins for 30 days, paperwork, ordering bulk buy of minced onion . Such a pain to buy it every week.

Weight loss!!!! Yes!!! And not just a couple of ounces... Two whole pounds!

AND... I am past the halfway mark. I have officially lost more than I have left to lose.

Getting a late start today... Was up late sorting my mom's boxes into some kind of order. I'm tryng to put her different tools into clear plastic shoe boxes she can see into and I can label with what they are... make her a workstation. The boxes are full of junk mail and old plastic bags and maybe one tool.. No real rhyme or reason to it. While I was doing it, I heard this huge crash in my mom's room... No big deal until I looked up and saw bloody paw prints all over the rug. My mom had shoved my dog off her bed really hard and my dog tore a toenail loose.

Today is about unemployment paperwork, health insurance, and getting things done. Gotta get it together. Nothing I do here is helping. Not all the cooking or cleaning or repairs or anything. 

-- 

Talked to virtual assistant today. Best thing I ever did for myself. We reworked my to do list with the goal of getting me relocated ASAP. This online diary and the online therapist really help. I have a bit of a timeline that I can use to see where I am falling off track. Every time I start pulling my head together, something happens. Last month it was the huge fight I got into with my dad when I was checking him for a stroke and his 3 day rage trip that followed. Last night it was my mom's outburst. Shrink is right. Nothing I want in my life will happen until I am out and have control of my environment.

But I have cleaned up personal files, all my stuff sorted, a to do list, and a lot of help.

Starting over, again. It always seems like I pull it together for a couple of days then I fall off again. Trying to get up on time. This morning I got up and made breakfast... blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs. My dad's favorites. Instead of it being nice, it was a **** show... the fire alarm is too sensitive and goes off if the pan temp is raised to crisp the bacon. My dog freaked out and started digging iat my dad's door. I crated her but not before my dad flipped out. He started yelling and then made me stop everything so he could leave and go to McDonalds. My mom has opted to just not get out of bed again. I need to pull it together. This is not better than living alone. 2 eggs sunny side up 3 strips of bacon 1 blueberry pancake

Pitched my idea for a different way to do a coding bootcamp to a guy in my area who has been having a rough time getting his off the ground. He really liked it and I meet with him and his key instructor next wed to go over details.

This helps smooth over the pain of losing S as my friend. Augh. Men will never admit they get scared. They just say they are busy and push you away. Of course it doesn't help that I am a total dork, not Scheherazade.

Did a good job of staying on track today. Even made my dad a low carb casserole with parmesan, garlic and cream cheese sauce, chicken, broccoli, and spaghetti squash. In the middle of the night. Without complaining. Much.

Also... cracked open the insurance docs today. Cleaning up my cluttered meltdown mess in the living room from my neck injury. I couldn't pick anything up from the floor so it was a wreck.

Fingers are still numb.

S says he just spaced and was like "I dunno, laundry? Clean?" not blowing me off. Benefit of the doubt. Not super eager to head down there again... but if he comes up with something good and I have the time... Maybe. I just feel like after two marriages and however many girlfriends, he's jaded and isn't excited about the miracle of having someone "like you like you". So it killed my buzz.

Dad boggles my mind.. I tried to meal prep last night for 3 people and a dog so I did the meat last night. Fed both my parents full meals and then let everything cool so I could put it in the fridge. Left it alone for 10 minutes while I set up the bathroom so my dad could shower... Came back out and discovered he had eaten it all but like 2 servings. I was astonished and horrified. 1) That much, that fast, without getting sick? Where did he put it? 2) That much salt, fat and calories... Did I just poison him? Then this morning he left the door open and my dog got out. I ran around the yard in my pajamas chasing her down for all the neighbors to see.  She thinks it is a fun game. @#$%&#.

Pulling my **** together today and ignore about a billion dishes in the kitchen... Which is hard because my ADHD brain says... go do them or I won't do what you want me to do!!!!! Trying to review insurance quotes. It's scattered across a million emails. UGH! WHY DO THEY MAKE THINGS HARDER????

Another .2 down, a reward for getting my **** together yesterday, doing the thing I needed to do, eating right and going to bed at 11 instead of staying up till 3 or 4. Got into it with Scott because he's cancelled or declined all further plans, but keeps texting multiple times a day. Which is just frustrating. It's like dangling carne asada in front of me and then yanking it away. Why does he keep canceling/declining? He has to clean. He's got a nice case of ADHD/PTSD/OCD... which means that he is basically cleaning his whole apartment with a toothbrush until he feels in control again. Essentially it was too good, we had too much fun, and he's freaking out and looking for the catch... There's some fatal flaw that will lead to terrible pain and misery a few years down the road, so he has to bunker down in his fortress of solitude. It's heartbreaking because it was just so nice to get a peek at what was possible and because my good friend has a battle he can't really manage and I can't do anything to help with because now I'm the source of the problem and just additional pressure. I wish I hadn't deleted our years and years of texts... I just felt so sad last night and I didn't want to reread the texts last night and keep sending more texts today. Just breathe and move on and be open if he ever gets back in contact. Which he probably won't.

I think the US should just go for some kind of marriage lottery system... You turn 21, and you can choose to enroll in it. We'd divvy up the segments for matching based on religion, personal finance philosophy, recreational hobbies, politics, desire for kids, lifestyle preference, and a physical fitness test. Then you get married, with an optional no fault annulment at 6 months. You wait a year, then go into the same matching process with other people who also didn't stick with their partner from the first round. If that doesn't work out, you go into a third round a year later. If none of the rounds worked out, then you move on to open dating with everyone else who couldn't find happiness. If you stay past 6 months with anyone in the first 2 rounds you bypass additional matching and are put into the open dating pool. For kickoff we just separate out the people who want to participate by age group and number of marriages. Also, I think that there should be a central database of marriage records in the US so nobody can pretend to be single but actually be in a hidden marriage.

Anyway, that is my soul dump for the day. The thing that is eating me so that I don't end up eating it. I will just listen to my new audiobook "Its just a ****ing date" whenever the urge to text him comes up.

Plan for the day: - Do my hair and makeup - Hit REI for a grill pan and Trader Joes for food - Work with virtual assistant on various org tasks (amazing improvement in my life) - Try to eat healthy / low carb / paleo

The One Thing I Must Do Before Bed: Review entire insurance quote and decide whether to move forward or not.

Brain back online today... A little creaky. Accidentally stayed up till 3 am. My dad is up all night ad so I don't realize it is bedtime. Ugh. I swear I have zero internal clock... nothing turns on "sleepy".

Reupped at my coworking space last night. Today was first day. Goal was to just get the EDD paperwork (3 of them) completed. No small task for an ADHDer. 

I mostly just dragged all my "todo" clutter into the couch area and just kind of organized till all the mental clutter dissipated. Then I went and walked over to the Japanese market, bought cheap stuff for organizing (YES I do need new index cards, a folder for EDD paperwork, and a bunch of cheap bags... and a bunch of weird deli pickup dishes for meals and a ton of shiritaki noodles... Right???). Then I watched ADHD videos online and started this post...

... Then I actually completed ONE LETTER that wanted me to register for Cal Jobs... and I managed to do it BEFORE THE DEADLINE!!!! Yay me! ... Then I read them ALL!!! AND MADE A LIST! AND THE DEADLINE HASN'T PASSED!!!!!!

Even found the certificate program a friend is taking in Cal Jobs. The EDD might pay for it for him.

And I more or less stayed on track with nutrition.

Yay.

Most useful video of the day: How to cope when everything is awful and you're not ok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKigm4NP7ko