Up at 7:30 but couldn't get coffee right away because my dad was in the kitchen and my vyvanse knocked me straight out when it hit. So actually up at 10. So weird that amphetamines make me fall asleep. Maybe I should take them at bedtime instead. Had the worst insomnia last night and only ended it with mac n cheese. Carb coma.

So much to do when I open my eyes in the AM. At least the rats don't seem to be partying in the third bedroom... no poop on the floor. Probably because there's no food available there. Nobody eats in there.

No bodies in any of the traps I put out, but I swear I hear squeaks.

I was like a dead fish at the track yesterday and just walked it for 35 min.

Today I will go see a movie. I don't feel so good.

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Had to pass on seeing my ex today/tomorrow. I finally hung that grate on my screen door to keep flies out and it wore me out. Then I dyed my hair and finished my energy off. I can't even pull together what it would take to do my nails, shave, hair, makeup, dress... and try to be out and girly and fun. All I really want is to hole up in a hotel room away from my parents house and the rat war... by myself for a week and decompress. Dog sitting starts the 25 and can't come soon enough.

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Decided that it is unacceptable that I cannot pull my **** together to go on a date with my ex and decided to take tonight to streamline. Have shaved my legs, put away anything that doesn't feel great to wear, packed all the food I have in the fridge/freezer into ready to go meals, and will do my nails before bed. Discovered that not counting sweats or gym clothes, I have 3 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, 1 skirt, 2 jackets, and 2 dresses total... but that's fine... all major life activities are actually covered... and it's almost a capsule wardrobe.

Hairdresser is squeezing me in tomorrow morning for a trim, and with any luck I can get my ears re-pierced tomorrow at the mall. It's been so long since I've bothered with earrings, they closed up.

Dug out my eye cream, skin cream, and tooth whitening trays. 30 days of regular usage should give me quite the after photo for this challenge cycle. July 1 my dental coverage kicks in and I might get some bonding done. I've wanted Invisalign forever... I wonder what that would cost.

Slept forever last night and today after several days of no sleep. My teeth feel a lot better after yesterday's dental visit. I can't believe all that inflammation was from a little extra dental cement. Hurt like hell. PMS is also over and I am human again, not Hellspawn. That weird feeling in my kidney area is also gone so I think I can go for a run tonight.

12pm and I am taking a small break to reboot... Hiding in my "fort" of plastic boxes. I mouse cleeaned my dad's room yesterday and did his laundry, went to put it away and discovered his drawers hadn't been kept closed and were chock full of mouse poop and shredded paper. He got mad at me for making him feel bad... super productive... so I have retreated to my fort. It wasn't a fort on purpose... just was being funny and built my dog a hiding spot... but my dog is smarter than me and knows if she can't be seen she won't get yelled at so I have joined her in here. I don't want to get back up and face the day but face it I must.

One bright spot though... My scholarship was approved and I start QA classes on Saturday.

All work and no play makes Happy-1 not so happy, so I'm going to reset On my challenge and strive for balance. Tonight is a track workout about 3.6 miles south of me. I feel like if I show up there early and do some push-ups etc. then do the track workout (and tell the coach I was down with dental work) I will be in good shape to do the running. I might even deserve fish tacos on the way home. No... I might deserve... I don't know what but something on plan on the way home. Maybe a burrito salad at my favorite burrito place. I missed D

Tomorrow is cheap movie day at the theater all the way south of me and Sierra club conditioning hike night. I feel like I deserve a movie, some time outdoors and a laugh. I might need to go back to that cigar bar fri to check out cuban jazz... not sure.

Writing some nice things that happened that might not have made it into my diaries but I will put here so I don't forget...

Last night my mom went to Costco and picked me up an extra deli chicken so that I can feed my picky senior dog because she noticed I forgot I was out of dog food and only had stuff my dog won't eat or was expensive (I know $5 for a deli chicken for a dog but I also make bone broth and marrow buiscuits so the whole chicken gets used and my vet bills are ridiculously low). It made me feel very taken care of when I was low with dental misery.

Molly sent me beautiful shoes for no reason off haute look. It was the perfect gift at an unexpected time and made me feel really appreciated, especially after that Fitbit drama. They are Vince Camuto sandals in tobacco brown with a big chunky heel, and I remember looking at them and wondering if Molly would approve but was on a mission to buy bras... then completely forgot about them. I just love them and I just love having something I can put on and think that Molly is with me in spirit if I have to go do something social that freaks me out. I am also super glad because it feels "healed". I know I need to spread out more and make more friends, but Molly is important and special.

My ex is on vacation this week and wants to see me for something special. He wants to take me to Disneyland on Thursday, his treat. That's a BIG PRICEY DATE that just made my jaw drop. No guy has ever wanted or offered to take me on anything like that before. The biggest I've ever been on was a night at a comedy club in Irvine. There is something about him wanting to do that that makes me feel valued. I am not really up to Disneyland right now with the dental drama and the possibility that my tooth is re-abcessing, so I asked if we could save that for Christmas and just do a picnic at the botanical gardens up by me, then go see a cheap movie on $6 Thursdays... no answer on that one yet.

My camping ladies changed the date of the camping trip to the dates I can make it so that I can actually go. I really feel good about that. It makes me feel like a central, key friend yhat they like having around. I need to come up with something nice to do for them.

UDG had a big reaction to my before/now-midpoint photos that I sent him (showing off but also results get support and support gets results and he's always trying to get me to meet him for junk food). He went off the deep end a bit... then signed up for a gastric sleeve program through the VA. I feel bad that he is considering doing something extreme but he has yards of meah keeping his guts together, a destroyed knee that he'd have been better off if they amputated and gave him a prosthetic, and at risk of a stroke at any minute so maybe that was a wake up call he needed?

I amfull of hugs today, hiding in my fort.

Dentist thinks it was a fragment of cement that embedded in my gum that caused the swelling (about the size of a spool of thread). Whatever it was, it's already feeling better. Came straight home to make sure I got a parking spot on the street so that my parents can park in the driveway. So many things to do but it is nice to get an hour at home to myself. DA tonight if I chance moving my car and not finding parking tonight.

Goal Zero is repacing my battery bank that caught fire even though I bought it in 2016!!!! Quality. Makes me want their larger lithium one... you know, after I win the lottery.

Forgot to weigh in... oops.

Really out of sorts this morning. I got weird calls from a friend I grew up with who had a TBI in college and is at home with her mom permanently. We made plans to get lunch I had to cancel last minute... I was up till 4 with dental pain adjacent to my crown and it hurts enough it's making me stupid. Overslept and by the time I was up, The Circus had started... but I am in too much pain/brain fog today to leave the house... I just can't focus on a single task because of stress this morning and pain and I don't want a ticket or fender bender... Driving is something I only do when I feel ok.

The biggest obstacle to my productivity is still my iphone not working and all my apps not being available. There's so much they do to help me... Hormonal levels, Fitbit for food... Spark for making food and journal posts, audible for books on tape to fall asleep to, spotify for music, waze for directions, i heart radio and Feedly for news... calendar... UGH!!! I just feel like half my brain is missing. The minimum to conquer today is to finish fixing my iPhone. Everything will be easier after that.

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Progress: Have sorted through my photos on my laptop. Now I just need to double check that no photos on my iphone are missing from my laptop.

Super weird sorting through all these old photos. I've always been so anxious and there are all these old photos of food that I made when I was on an Indian food obsession and determined to learn how to make great indain food. When I look at it now I think OMG... I put so much effort into eating the wrong things and I was making myself sick... I felt tired, cold, clammy, sweaty and weak all the time. But the photos and my old apartment are beautiful! My dog is happy! I had friends!!!!

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B - overnight oats

2nd breakfast - coffee, 3 creams, meal prep 2nd breakfast with egg cups.

Turns out overnight oats are probiotic. Who knew?

Woke up on time to make it to services. Did some errands and now I'm watching Fixer Upper while I do mousekeeping... I can't believe people are buying huge houses for under $100k. Augh, I'm in the wrong place.

I should have all my stuff sealed up in plastic and trapped by eod. Then I can start on my parents stuff tomorrow. 16.23 at Costco for 3 plastic boxes is kind of a lot when you realize how little fits in them. And how many you need... augh. Some of this stuff just has to go. Had a crazy hoarder moment with my mom today when ahe was trying to figure out how many plastic boxes were hers and how many were mine and which ones belong to her (none)... I said mom... when I leave this house I will no longer need any of them... You can have them all. And I could see in her eyes a crazy gleam... all the boxes will be mine...

Sigh.

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Food mostly on track. Super hungry. All I want is a pizza.

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6 hours later... have eaten plenty. Still starving... all I can think about is how badly I want a whole Jack's pizza all to myself. I can't believe what a difference eating oatmeal with coconut oil in the morning makes. I rarely have evening food cravings anymore... except chicken top ramen... but today I'm so hungry I'd bite my dog if she was topped with cheese and pepperoni.

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Just found an old diet journal while mouse cleaning from before I started here and yes... my highest recorded weight was 317... before I stopped weighing myself... so it may have been higher. Updated my start weight to reflect that. I'm pretty close to having lost 100 lbs. Crazy.

228.1. Probably PMS water weight because my watchband was so tight overnight I had an imprint this morning. My hands always bloat.

Had my cheat meal last night... After the dentist I brought home Little Cesar's supreme pizza and some hot wings to share with the fam. I really wanted wood-fired pizza but it was pretty late and would have taken longer to find and been more expensive. The pizza was not as delicious as I expected it to be... maybe that's the sneaky trick of a cheat meal? That you're like meh... and you don't crave it anymore? There's a smoking cessation drug commercial on Hulu that features wood-fired pizza and every time I see it, I lose my ****.

Decided to let my body have as much sleep as it wanted after the dentist yesterday because I've been so run down all week and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow which NEVER happens for me. Missed bootcamp today.

Priorities... priorities... I'll hit Costco to get prescriptions and plastic storage boxes to protect my clothes and shoes from the rats and pick up broccoli and spinach. Then Home Depot for rat traps. Fight the good fight. I don't want to use poison, I don't want them dying in the walls. Then a few more errands and hope to get through them without too much wasted effort. Waking up late always makes me feel weird but I know I needed the sleep.

Plan to get back on track is just to eat and go to bed on schedule... just get into the rythym. Dog sitting and camping is coming up and I just need to keep on keeping on so that when I leave for 3 weeks with repaired stuff so that they can't claim unusual circumstances for anything they couldn't do for themselves.

Disabled my JustOKcupid account today. Too much crap, not enough reward. I think I will stick to my diet and fitness goals better if I don't periodically get blindsided by some dude I never met. I don't know yet how I will channel that "lonely empty hole" feeling that drives me to sit on those online dating apps.

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Hung out w Molly tonight at her favorite cigar bar! Sins included two raspberry beers and three mini tortillas!

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Mousey death toll is 7. 2 tiny babies caught in one of my poison free insect traps. I now have a new theory about why we don't have the bugs anymore besides all the combat traps I put out. Oh god...

Rat traps go out tomorrow. I put all my clothes and shoes in the plastic bins tonight. So glad I got out with Molly and was human tonight. Going to services in the morning. in the pla

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Back up again... 226.8. Probably PMS. Up at 8am and pulling it together one step at a time. Dad had a million requests for me as soon as my eyes cracked open... and I poured the water for my coffee in the wrong section soaking everything.

Blah... That dude from OKcupid makes me want to throw everything in my car and run away to Texas.

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BTW... The best running shoes ever are on sale at 6pm.

https://www.6pm.com/p/brooks-launch-3-anthracite-electric-brooks-blue/product/8919037/color/590822 

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Bedtime meditation to make up for missing it last night...

3gs: 1) the money to pay for the finished crown. 2) my parents and the shelter they provide. 3) my dog, for always being happy when I get home.

Fitness pride: 1) being proactive and taking care of my dental work so I will feel bettter. 2) packing a cooler and eating on plan. 3) doing my rest day and cheat meal as scheduled. 4) going to bed at 10:30 and not staying up late watching Hulu.

According to the new scale I lost almost 2 lbs today! That's kind of a lot with what I already lost this week, but it's all about averages and I'll take it! My goal is to lose no faster than half a pound a week, burn more fat than muscle, and not end up with extra skin. I really fell off the wagon yesterday. I did another round of meal prep yesterday and it just wore me out. I didn't want to drive spacey so I stayed home from the track workout and the adhd meeting and took my dog for a long walk. I ate off plan... Instead of my planned meals I had a protein cookie, a piece of cheese, a whole box of sweet potato crackers, and 5 squares of dark chocolate. I stayed up till 1 am watching Hulu (Preacher) because I was overtired and really down. Woke up late this AM and my whole body ached... Like I was beaten up. PMS?

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Got all my paperwork in today for the second round of scholarship approvals... Takes 10 days. Fingers and toes crossed!

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Turning down my parent's kind offer to take me to their favorite rib place. It's just an opportunity to overeat or eat off plan.

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Still working on fixing iphone/icloud stuff. Digging out my old digital camera tonight so I can start using that instead of my phone.

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Sensory joy... I pulled my dog's dog bed over to the couch yesterday and it is my foot rest and today she is laying on it and my feet so my toes are warm and toasty in soft blankets and fur and as she breathes I can feel her breaths go in and out and it makes my breathing go slower and I feel very chill.

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Didn't go to bootcamp tonight. I just don't feel so good. I took my dog on a nice long dog walk instead.

Whenever I jump, I feel my kidneys and my uterus bouncing around, I swear. I need to get a complete health audit when I get my cash straightened out. Maybe in tandem with buying disability insurance.

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Just realized that I haven't logged calories or really worked out since Monday and it is end of the day Thursday. I've spent s many days trying to catch up to meal prep from not going shopping Friday, I feel like I will never catch up... But weirdly I just lost a couple of pounds so why am I down about this... other than that I am trying to build up to getting everything done in a day that when I look at a paper, it looks like I should have time for.  I feel like I consistently get nothing done. 

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The guy I thought was cool off JustOKcupid doesn't want to meet up tomorrow. Yikes... He said I needed to take a hint and not call back. OUCH!  He sent me weird **** for days and I was pretty chatty with him... but he doesn't want to get a cup of coffee with me? Sigh... I deleted all his texts and calls from my phone so that I don't accidentally drunk dial him. Not that I get drunk... but you know what I mean.

I miss having a life, a love life, and freedom.  How did I decide to throw away 3 years of that? I remember how great it was to have an apartment with a jacuzzi. Augh.

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11:28pm... bedtime meditation... The place to start with getting back on track...

3 gratitudes: 1) That the case manager is helping me get to the second round (for the third time) for the scolarship. 2) That my ex wants to see me on his time off next week. It feels really good to be included.

Efforts I can take pride in for fitness today: Even though I skipped my bootcamp, I did go for the hour-long walk with my dog. I packed a cooler full of food to stay on-plan and also meal-prepped egg cups for 2nd breakfast for the week. I am also just forgiving myself for today and trying again tomorrow. If I can pull it together, I will get my crown put on in the AM. I really shouldn't put that off. 

1 selfless act I did today: Sent my meal prep plan to my case manager. I might send it to her for next week too. We live in the same area so our sales are the same. I also didn't let my dad go out to put out trash barrels in the driving wind. I went out there and did it, toughed it out.

Obstacles and how I will over come them: Not having my own space for my own life, iphone issues, exhaustion, weird feeling in the abdominal area when I jump.

My vision for what it will be like when I achieve my fitness goal: I will sleep and wake like clockwork. I won't get sucked into the spin of anxiety and depression. I will have a guy that really likes me (this is a dangerous thing to think here because I have always gotten into a bad relationship everytime I got skinny).

My intention for tomorrow: Rise to the occasion.

How I will work heroicly tomorrow: Suck it up, hit the bank, hit the dentist, hit Corner Bakery and get myself a goddamn brownie, hit DA, then see if K is free and see a goddamn movie and have a goddamn grls night.

Mantra for tomorrow: Living ain't for sissies

Moving it down another .2 lbs!!! Woo hoo! Got up at 6:30 with my alarm and took meds and then promptly passed out again... woke up at 8 on my own and feeling a lot better. Normal today.

I think I need to plan that days in between workouts are just long dog walks and that's it. I think the day after I just need to expect to be completely out of it and not beat myself up over it. I'll get my fitness level up... that even if I don't feel too sore to move I am mentally wiped out. So... Bootcamp days become "Do" days with critical things scheduled during the day and the day after is "give yourself a break" day... only tasks that involve putting yourself back together. I also think I need to go shopping on the day that I have two full sets of meals left, then cook on the day that I have one day left. Trying to do it on the day I am out just makes me go off plan.

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5 little mousies down. This one was bigger. Getting the rat-sized sticky ones today. Worried about poison and not being able to find the bodies in the horde, so I only want the sticky traps... But I don't know where they are. This one my dog herded into the trap again. I heard her banging about in the kitchen and then squeaking so I went to check it out. She was so proud.

My dog is ape**** to get into my parents' rooms. Spending the day with her dog bed at my feet and her leashed to my ankle (Not bothering with getting out the crate and shutting her in the bathroom seems mean. She seems to be fine with this compromise).

I think my parents aren't clearing their dishes every day and hiding them because I will come in and look for them at night when it is time to wash dishes before bed and they don't want me to know how much they have been eating in addition to the 2 meals a day I do for them... or that they are buying bread, donuts, cakes, and cookies.  They also both like to eat/graze in bed and in front of their computers... which is just gross to me. We have a perfectly functional kitchen table. 

This is why they are 400lbs each and can't move and are terribly ill. I wish I could get them to an OA meeting. I don't overeat now that my calories and timing are on track but my parents... You'd have to pour gas on a Hostess cupcake to get them to not eat it. Maybe not even that would work.

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HA HA HA... Have been texting a new guy I met on JustOKcupid and he was trying to figure out how much food I should pack to go backpacking (did I mention I really like this one?) and based on my photos he thought I was like 160lbs to go with my 5'10"  height... Aw. How sweet is he?

Also ADHD... Former EMT turned substitute teacher and working on his credential. Likes backpacking and outdoors stuff and some of the same radio/internet statons.

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I think I need to tier some prizes for myself to go with the rating scale for being on track over the course of a week. If I have 16 health actions a day, that's 112 points a week.

100% - $100 splurge

80%+ - $25 splurge

60%+ - $15 splurge

25%+ $5 splurge

Last week I scored 76% so that's a $15 splurge. Enough for a mini AM/FM radio so I don't run down the battery on my phone with iHeartRadio, spotify or iTunes.

Holding off on the REI store credit. Maybe they will issue a 20% off coupon in fall when I am working (I hope).

I lost .6 lbs! Slow and steady! Woke up this morning and my dog wasn't in bed with me and I freaked out about being 40 and single and panicked. Thought better of going into the workforce center in that state plus I should probably give my case manager 24h with the paperwork before I show up unannounced. Also, discovered that I cannot handle the combo of coffee and broccoli inthe same meal first thing in the am and I need to switch back to oatmeal. Augh.

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Wiped out most of my earlier joural entry. Was weirdly exhausted all day and just down. It took me forever to make chili and clean it up... just wasn't feeling very well. Missed my workout and DA. I think tomorrow I just need to get out for coffee right away, not stick around at all. Not get sucked in.

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3 grats: parents, dog, guy off Okcupid who made me laugh