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happy-1 - Sunday Sep 27, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

2 nights of REM sleep. Not in a row, but still an improvement. It's amazing what a difference it makes. I had one day of nearly none in between them, so human, crying mess, human.

The secret recipe for REM sleep the first night was too much keto cheesecake, watching hulu till 3am and passing out on the couch.

Tried to repeat next night with zero success.

The recipe for too much sleep the second night was no am coffee, giving up on productivity for the day at 7:30, and giving it to God,  not start cleaning up for the night till I was at my crying exhaustion point, changing all my sheets, locking the cat in the bathroom (pest), waiting till I had actually stayed off my phone and all devices for an hour before taking sleep meds, cutting the Lunesta down to half (poison), taking them right as I got into bed, and. Putting on the deep sleep soundtrack that the Ex-ish tracked down and sent me as a gift on iTunes. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

In the interest of improving REM sleep, and to celebrate success... Idid a little shopping.1) Sleep bras from H&M, I just can't breathe at night in sports bras... and weirdly, it's almost a 4-8% improvement in sleep pulse oximeter readings if I go without, regardless of REM sleep numbers. 2) Real pajamas from SHEIN so I stop trying to sleep in my ripped and stained chore clothes and change the subliminal message to my brain that it isn't time to go to sleep yet. Apparently this is a thing and the therapist instructed me to do it way back when. I don't have any pajamas. I lost 100lbs and these aren't something I bought yet. I have seen them as too big an expense right now when I am not working... But REM sleep is essential and anything to help make that happen has to happen. Besides, it is almost my birthday, I get one splurge, and this way they will be here in time.

I have to get more REM sleep. My poor dad. Last night he asked me if we could get a phot of my mom he really liked enlarged and framed, and I started crying. Not because I miss my mom, but because the task seemed SO HARD I couldn't see how I would ever get it done. He got upset and apologized for asking... I said, no it is a totally reasonable request. I'm just so tired I can't do it. We won't go into the sad things I said after. I was too tired.

Successes: 

  • 2 nights of real REM sleep
  • Doing dishes 3 days in a row
  • Braving icking up my prescriptions 
  • Feeling connected to my guy
  • Getting my dog to eat 2x in a row same day

Obstacles:

  • Not enough REM but a little reserve meant I tried to do too much, couldn't do it, got frustrated
  • Didn't get the dog walked in time and she pooped her bed at bedtime
  • Had to wait till exhaustion point to go to bed, so I was out in the kitchen doing chores after I shouldn't be talking to my dad because I don't say the right things when I am exhausted. 

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/27/2020:
I do not understand women who sleep in bras. I'm sorry. My daughter does it. I just do not get it. I cannot wait to get mine off at the end of the day. Oh the relief.

Having said that, I do agree with treating yourself to some nice sleepwear - bras, jammies, etc. - to help you achieve optimal sleep.

That's very interesting that what worked the 1 night didn't work again. I guess I should say that's unfortunate, because it would be nice to have a formula that you could go to that you knew would work. I would encourage you to keep looking for patterns that work for you. Sleep is everything.

happy-1 on 09/27/2020:
I sleep in one because I have been through earthquakes, floods, and fires and I can't sleep unless I feel dressed enough to jump out of bed and run out if I have to. I also have to have closed toed shoes, mask, and a flashlight under my bed or it is a no go.


innerpeace on 09/27/2020:
OMG...I never have trouble sleeping, but if special sleep clothes enhances it, I may have to get me some PJs too. i just sleep in shorts and Tshirts.

happy-1 on 09/27/2020:
You would look super cute in these... https://us.shein.com/Plus-Tie-Dye-Tee-With-Knot-Pants-PJ-Set-p-1552564-cat-1938.html


Horn_of_plenty on 09/27/2020:
so...what's the benefit of a sleep bra? tell more!

happy-1 on 09/27/2020:
Well... There's a bunch of reasons not to wear a bra to bed... But I don't enjoy it. The feeling of movement as I shift will wake me up. I used to just wear old, stretched out sports bras but therapist and OT said only wear things to sleep that are specifically reserved for sleep... so light support.

3 for 15 put them in my price range. https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0898439001.html

Why not to wear a bra https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/magazine-10-important-reasons-why-you-shouldnt-wear-a-bra-to-bed/


Donkey on 09/28/2020:
I'm going to check out that link for sleep bras when I'm on my laptop.

I also see (now) your need to feel prepared in case of an earthquake. That hasn't occurred to me. Perhaps there is an underlying feeling of vulnerability when you go to sleep... like surrendering yourself.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/28/2020:
very interesting, i'll read up on those two links.



happy-1 - Friday Sep 25, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

Good Morning!

Who's got two thumbs and had a full night of REM sleep?

Who is ready to take on a wreckage of staggering proportions?

 

Not as brave as this chick, but diving in nonetheless.

 

 'Without Hesitation,' Pregnant Woman Takes on Shark 
 
 http://newser.com/s296645

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

legcramps on 09/25/2020:
Today has nothing on you!


grannyannie on 09/25/2020:
Yes, just keep going!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/25/2020:
many thumbs up!


Donkey on 09/25/2020:
You ROCK!!!



happy-1 - Thursday Sep 24, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

Tucking in for the night. Cross another day off on the calendar. I have done all I can and if it was not my best, it was still my best for today.

Successes:

  • I got an hour of REM sleep. REM rebound effect but I will take it.
  • I found on demand liability insurance for the handyman, I made a prioritized list of everything with photos.
  • i worked on my project plan with the pro organizer. I think it will take a few rounds before she "gets it". She's a hierarchical thinker not a systematic thinker.
  • i did a therapy session. I dunno what it was supposed to do, but we made a list of everything I find stressing. Mostly it is too many demads for cognitive bandwidth at the same time. A Vegas casino. The cat yowling in my face, escaping my room while I am trying to settle down for the night.
  • I ate on plan

Obstacles:

  • Sleep deprivation 
  • Headache
  • PMS
  • Out of keto cheesecake
  • Dog pooped her bed as I was getting to bed
  • Cat wanted more chicken and was a pain in the ass till he got it

Costs:

  • Dad is lonely and neglected 
  • I should have walked my dog and pet her.
  • i didn't see Matt
  • I didn't do anything fun

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/25/2020:
Sorry your day and your sleep wasn't better. Hope things are better today.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/25/2020:
I like reading that you feel you have done your best today. it's gratifying when you realize you did what you could and that you can call the day a success, happy for you!

where'd you get this keto cheesecake? did you order it? (it is easy to make if you find the time....)

even though you got a lot done, maybe you didn't have the socialization you wanted. but, you progressed and got a lot done. seems that's the cost sometimes of success! the give and take of life, huh!?


Donkey on 09/25/2020:
I think you came out ahead, weighing the pluses and minuses.



happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 23, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

Discovery... Keto cheesecake is satisfying enough that I don't buy frozen pizza... or at least I put it back before checking out.

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/24/2020:
Good for you putting it back!

happy-1 on 09/24/2020:
Ty!


Donkey on 09/24/2020:
Hey, whatever works, use it! I can see why that would work. All that cheese - YUM!

happy-1 on 09/24/2020:
Omg. It was so much better than regular cheesecake because it was barely sweet. I didn’t fall off the wagon for 2 days


innerpeace on 09/24/2020:
Glad to see you today!

happy-1 on 09/24/2020:
Hugs! Same here!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/24/2020:
that sounds AMAZING! jealous jealous.

i have, last year or so, made keto pumpkin cheesecake and it was DELICIOUS!

happy-1 on 09/24/2020:
I don’t even like cheesecake normally. This was heaven.



happy-1 - Friday Sep 18, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

Frustration level is a 10 today.

Gratitude attitude shift. I am grateful that I have:

  • My dad... Even if he is impossible
  • A home... Even if the mess is overwhelming
  • Medical care... Even if my doc was unhelpful and I need to find a new one
  • A dryer... even if it is broken and $400 more to repair
  • My dog... even if I am not making her final days perfect
  • Piles of paperwork... at least I have things I need to do and am not so old I can't do anything

Tiny amount more sleep. Feeling slightly better.

Trying to work in the living room today instead of my bedroom for better sleep hygeine. I have been doing all daily activities in the same spot in my bed. Downside... dad won't stop bugging me for stuff. AAAAACK. 

We will try to find a hat he can see that will tell him I am not available, don't bother me.

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/18/2020:
I find it helpful, too, to focus, consciously, on the things I'm grateful for, especially in frustrating days.

(((hugs))) you're doing a really good job !

happy-1 on 09/23/2020:
Inch by inch... Trying to pull myself up.

happy-1 on 09/24/2020:
And that you said I am doing a good job means everything


Horn_of_plenty on 09/19/2020:
below to your question back to me on sleep...i just feel sometimes we are too busy or just cannot get the sleep we want (back when i was working i felt this way often) and when that happens, i try not to think too much about it other than that later in the week or another day i will sleep more...when i can.

do you have a couch in the living room to do work on? LOL...this is what i do...for comfort purposes. hahaha...

a desk would be better to work at, and i do have one!, but i find the couch much more comfortable!

it's nice to find the silver lining in things even if they are so stressful and frustrating <3


Horn_of_plenty on 09/21/2020:
Sending you good wishes, Ms. Happy!



happy-1 - Thursday Sep 17, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

So all my data crunching yielded fruit. The mystery element is overall 30 day sleep debt. So like if I am 15 min short on sleep 30 days in a row, I don't notice it looking at my sleep stats on Garmin, but it's there lurking. When I push harder to get on track, I push that sleep debt just a little higher, I get more tired, and that makes me easier to derail.

I think if I crunch more data from my diary, I will figure out why sometimes that sleep debt accrues faster than others, or sometimes I don't "derail" that I notice because I am in the process of getting back on habit and not on habit yet to derail from.

Hypotheses as to why it is so much harder right now and why the sleep debt is so much worse...  I'm wondering if my blood pressure meds are too strong for me now that I have normal to low blood pressure.

OT helped me frame my research a little bit so that I can show a doctor my sleep data and find a way to get on track.

 

 

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/17/2020:
well...do what bcgg says...that can help!

but also, try not to emphasize too much on this lack of sleep...i fear it will stress you out...it would stress me...it has in the past!

happy-1 on 09/18/2020:
Really? I see it as something that is 100% controllable. Sleep drive is controlled by adenosine. It's a reservoir that fills and empties. https://www.sleepscore.com/learn-about-adenosine/


Horn_of_plenty on 09/17/2020:
also, supporting you always!!

happy-1 on 09/18/2020:
Hugs. Same here!


Maria7 on 09/18/2020:
Have a happy day!

happy-1 on 09/18/2020:
Hugs!



happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 16, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

Getting ready for the OT call. Creating a ranking system for my days to pinpoint where I need to pay attention to data.

Here is my 1-10 rating system for on track/off track

  • 10 = Meeting life goals
  • 9 = On habit, making progress, seeing rewards
  • 8 = On habit, making progress
  • 7 = On habit, maintaining boundaries, just needs repitition to make progress
  • 6 = Almost on habit, a portion of the day is back on track
  • 5 = Incrementally making progress back towards being on habit
  • 4 = Making changes to be able to push myself back on habit
  • 3 = I know I was derailed and I need to get back up, but I can't yet
  • 2 = Inexplicably derailed by drama 
  • 1 = Derailed and unable to get back on track without paying for additional, unscheduled services (Pro-organizer, caregiver, housekeeper)

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/16/2020:
You are a great writer, Happy!!!! you have a knack for wording!

happy-1 on 09/17/2020:
LOL. I'm glad I have that going for me at least!!!


Donkey on 09/17/2020:
I really appreciate this rating scale. I hadn't given any of this much thought, but I can see how, looking back, I have days - sometimes spans of days - that are great, and some that are not great.

This system would be very good for graphing, if you're a visual person.

happy-1 on 09/17/2020:
Yeah... Google sheets has "Conditional formatting" where it changes the color of the cell based on the value. I assigned colors to the values of sleep debt over 1 day, 7 days, and 30 days and scared myself.

Planning to see where all the greens vs reds match up... And scare myself again!!!

Happy halloween... for middle aged women?


Maria7 on 09/17/2020:
Hope you have a wonderful day.

happy-1 on 09/17/2020:
Hugs! You too!



happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 15, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 225.4

OT appt is tomorrow. Still crunching on my timeline. Finishing it is all I can think about. There are things that are more important, but it is stuck in my brain that somewhere in these stats and diary notes is the answer to why 2% of drama derails me 95% of the time.

Dad went out with the caregiver. I should take a bath but I'm actually too tired to do that and when they get back I need to go run errands. In the meantime, I get to sit in the living room like a human being, stress-free.

Aaaaah.

Progress as of today: 91.6 lbs lost so far, only 65.4 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 09/15/2020:
Yes, enjoy your break. You deserve one. Smile!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/15/2020:
so glad to hear from you!

enjoy your rest, Happy!


Donkey on 09/15/2020:
Glad to hear you got a break!!

That's very interesting to read your intake on how drama derails you. I think I could explore that observation in my own life - especially when it comes to work. Hmm...

happy-1 on 09/15/2020:
Yeah... There has to be an explanation as to why 98% of the time it bounces off me like water off a ducks back... Then exery once in a while it hits me just right and I do a full on wipeout. I don't think it is mood or emotional. I think it is sleep. Doing a scattergraph on sleep debt...


grannyannie on 09/16/2020:
Nice you got a break!



happy-1 - Friday Sep 11, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 226.6

 I need to keep this short, but just wanted to sy I successfully enforced boundaries with dad today, did not wear myself out, and defended my rule of no drama, stress, or critical discussions after 6pm. I am in bed on time. Yay me

Progress as of today: 90.4 lbs lost so far, only 66.6 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/12/2020:
Well done!!!


Donkey on 09/12/2020:
Excellent!!! I like those boundaries!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/12/2020:
proud of you, you will feel good i hope in the morning when goiong to bed at a set time that is earlier than usual!


Maria7 on 09/15/2020:
Good for you! Smile.



happy-1 - Thursday Sep 10, 2020
(Week 2 - 9/20 60 day challenge, stubborn mule)
Weight: 226.6

 

It looks like an overcast day, but it is actually smoke and ash. 

Super, super tired. Somehow, seeing data that I am not getting enough REM sleep made me feel even more tired.

Was doing ok on only 5h of sleep, but somehow burned out on that... Like so tired I did a bank errand for my dad, then had to get some food. Tried to do a quick shopping stop but had abandon my cart to come home and just go to bed. It's like 4pm right now.

Successes yesterday:

  • Garage sorting with organizer... she did a couple of boxes, I cleaned the patio, kept going after she left and got through all the hardware outside. Got her started on looking at my project plan.
  • Had 8h of sleep. but 10% REM so still felt as tired as I did today on 5h.
  • Factor75 came. Actual fuel in my body tank.

Challenges:

  • Exhausted
  • Lost time on pro organizer help because of cat drama
  • Dad struggle in the middle of the afternoon when I came in for lunch and a break.
  • Got too into loading data in my project plan, stayed up till 2AM
  • Anger because dad told the caregiver she's become like family to us. She's only been here a couple of months and we pay agency rates. That means a lot more obligation for me... Like family means flexible schedules, etc.

Successes today:

  • Procrastination busted on a task, even if I was too tired to finish it. Inching towards my freedom.
  • Did not murder Dad when he thanked me for getting him the hospital bed and the variable pressure mattress, "I feel great! It's the best thing you've done for me lately! I think I'll go to Walmart with the caregiver." I reacted, but pulled it back. He fought me and my mom over getting him a hospital bed for decades. 
  • Did not murder Dad when he wouldn't let the caregiver help him try a new footstool from Amazon. He wants to talk to me about it first. I just said "You guys sort it out. I'm going to bed."
  • Ex-ish finally invited both me AND my dog to come over to watch a movie this weekend. AAAAAAAAAAAAW. Took a while, but he got there. How can I say no to that?

Challenges today:

  • Exhaustion
  • Dehydration
  • Brain fog
  • I have to go back out there to get Factor75 meals to put in my cooler... So I don't have to go back out there.
  • Can't get a vet visit for the cat till Wednesday. I have to keep him in my bathroom, on the patio, or in my bedroom in the dog crate till then. I will listen to nonstop yowling or sacrifice something essential he will no doubt pee on. 

Remember, spread positive vibes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2YPo6zbsXY&feature=youtu.be

Progress as of today: 90.4 lbs lost so far, only 66.6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 09/10/2020:
((hugs))


Horn_of_plenty on 09/10/2020:
i heard about those horrible fires by you in Cali! so sorry, the pics look bad!

like you - i find it impossible to continuously focus on no sleep. luckily that hasn't been a problem for me for 6 whole months!


grannyannie on 09/11/2020:
Ugh. Hope things improve for you!


Donkey on 09/11/2020:
That's a whole lot, on little sleep.

Try not to let dad's comments to the caregiver get to you. I know that's not easy. I totally get why the comments sting. (((hugs)))



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