Working on my habit tracker today :-) I will achieve real change through the power of habit.

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Geez... If I do all the habits I want to build... there's over 50 of them.

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Got in a solid 30 min on the patio. 30 min a day to get a garden going.

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Looking forward to the movies tomorrow with one of the ladies from the church I checked out today. 

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Up: 8:30am, hard time getting to sleep last night.

S: 8:30 B: Power oatmeal, coffee+half and half

B: 12:30 PM S: Broccoli, crustless quiche

L: leftover burrito bowl, 2tbsp avocado S: leftover edamame pasta, veg, and pasta

D: deli ham and turkey, uncured. Homemade coleslaw.

S: trail mix

S: string cheese and flax crackers

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Ate all on-plan today, if at odd hours.

Up late in a hormonal pity party. Slept in till 10. Missed getting up to help with food bank yard sale, but also didn't promise to show. Still feeling like I have a UTI and probably need new inhaler prescription so a doctor visit is in my future.

1:45 and regrouping. I think my target for the day is to make up the ham that is loitering in the fridge, fixing the kitchen screen door and a patio cleaning. It literally took all day yesterday and two trips to Home Depot to fix two faucets.

Since it was nice and I don't want to forget it, Mom bought me a an auto-refill water bowl for my dog, and a bunch of chicken wings for a belated Valentine's day.

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3:45.... have achieved initial cleanup and deodorizing of patio. Discovered drill isn't charged though... so I will have to finish tomorrow. Next step tomorrow is to hang the door grill and seal up the screen, see what I can find in the way of flower pots to start transitioning the patio from abandoned to hanitable. I figure I will start with nasturtiums in recycled food containers. Those things grow anywhere

Ham is on... 3 hours to heat up!!!!

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10am - oatmeal, coffee, extra cal from maple syrup and mocha coffee mix

2pm - turkey in tomato sauce and veggies, mozzarella

4pm - 2 oreos. Dad stole bag. I have to watch him more carefully.

7pm - sweet potato fries. Some more veg and turkey in tomato sauce. Not as good as I thought it would be... next time I will freeze

Caught up on 3 bad nights of sleep. Might have been sleep deprivation, not pms. Lots of plumbing work to do today.

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Talked to my ex and shared how I was feeling about getting ignored for Valentine's day... It really didn't hit till today because I've been checking the mailbox all week for the card he said he sent and it wasn't there so I don't think it was ever there at all. I knew he was likely to not do anything for it and I knew that would make me sad so when we were planning to see each other I asked him to send me a card for Valentine's day and gave him my address and he said he would... and he's that kind of organized and he works in a drug store... he was literally surrounded by them for two weeks prior. When he called tonight I had a really hard time getting through to him why I was upset... I said no woman likes getting ignored for Valentine's day, that not sending the card made me feel like all I am is a **** budy... and that's not sexy. He took exception to the term "**** buddy", and said he was insulted. I said if it hurts you to hear it, then how do you think it feels to get that as the message... because that's what you are if you just spent a weekend with your guy and then just get a text on Valentine's day. He said, well I just didn't think we were there yet... i said I know we are just getting started that's why all I asked for is a card. I said if we aren't in a place where you feel any effort into sending a card on Valentine's day is warranted, then I never should have gone down there and I made a terrible mistake. I thought you really did miss me and were really into me. I feel dumb. Horribly, horribly dumb. And not sexy. Not one little bit. Then he said this really isn't a good time to talk and we hung up.

I really am dying to block his number. Just never ever hear from him again. But being desperate not to feel pain is just as bad as hanging onto someone and pretending everything is fine. Or jumping right back onto online dating when some dude is still sending you texts because he thinks he's planning to come see you and all you want to see is Jaws come eat him in one bite. Settled for deleting all his calls, texts, and voicemail, and phone contact. This way I can't impulsively text anything... only reply if he texts me. He's got his kids this weekend and I don't want to intrude.

I hate, hate, hate that I care this much about Valentine's Day. It's a stupid manufactured holiday. It really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I'm 40 and still working on getting even a bunch of flowers from a guy... let alone a Valentine's Day card. I just don't know what the magic combo is that unlocks that kind of attention.

I really miss UDG. He brought me a tactical tailor trauma medical pouch and dark chocolate once. Talk about someone who really gets you. Wish we were both healthier so a physical relationship was possible.

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Up: 9:40

S: Oatmeal ... after that no idea what I hate today. It was. a lot, most of it not healthy. My feelings, coated in lard, salt and sugar.

Super PMS, but overall doing better off the Adderall. Having some "pms irritability" but not the two weeks of crankypants behavior.

Friction with my mom last night because she wrote a nasty note across my to do list that I forgot in the bathroom, and then didn't like that I said that I felt it was mean and hurtful.

Friction with my dad because I woke up when I heard a crash in his room, checked on him but then didn't want to stay up talking to him because I was desperately tired... But he wouldn't let me go back to bed so it turned into a fight.

More friction with my dad today because I gave him and my mom valentine's day cards, and he never does anything for anyone on any holiday so he interrupted me hile I was working to explain how he doesn't follow certain societal norms around gift giving occasions and I didn't want to hear it. It's basically "I didn't give you anything for holiday ____ and this is why you shouldn't see it as mistreatment or be mad at me. Now I'm going to ask you to do me a favor _____." Normally I ignore it, but today my anger showed.

Argh.

But overall, not as bad as last month. Trying to calm the raging beast inside.

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It occurs to me that part of my anger is that my ex didn't do anything for me for Valentine's Day, just sent a text. Some women know how to get guys to do stuff for them, but I don't. Or not him at least. I do not feel that a "Happy Valentine's Day" text is sufficient for a woman you just spent the weekend with and have been after for a year for another shot.

I did know I would feel this way ahead of time and set it up twice that he should send me a card and my address. But it didn't happen. I did feel that a $1.50 was in his budget. 

I really, really, really just want to block him on my phone. Move on. Start over. But it feels a little "This toy is broken. I need a new one." and people aren't disposable.

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Let my BetterHelp account go on hold. I've got too much stress on my cashflow right now and it is something that isn't strictly necessary. Plus I am not sure if it really helps anymore. Just one more thing I need to do every day that is more than I can get done. Could really use it today though. Like if I go on OkCupid again after not getting a Valentine's card, is that cheating? I don't really feel like sitting around for him to figure out his ****up and make it right.

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Quote of the day is from a personal trainer on Meetup who said when asked why the workouts are free "The best contribution is good energy and friends :)"

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B: Coffee, half and half, oatmeal

S: Skipped

L: Skipped

S: Put a pizza from Trader Joe's on. Eating my feelings.

S: 4 oreos and some milk. Tasted weird so i trashed it

S:

Happy Valentine's Day! Got a happy Valentine's text from my ex. That was nice. I sent him a card that has two chihuahuas sharing snacks. Just mailed it Monday but it might take a couple of days. I celebrated on my own by getting a bang trim and lunch at my fav burrito place.

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Woke up late... 9 am. Dad nuked tinfoil at 3am. Took me a long time to get back to sleep so I must have just kept hitting snooze.

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Freebirds is delicious but I get very little done here. And it is a huge amount of calories... Decent afternoon alternative to starbucks for sure... but maybe not such a good idea.

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Ooops... Not sure how I lost 1.2 lbs... in spite of myself apparently. I used MyFitness Pal to setup some recipes for the week... and came up with over 4000 calories for one day! Obviuosly not doing this tomorrow... but oops!!!!

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9am S: oatmeal and coffee, double serving on accident. Extra calories from half n half and maple syrup. Think there's something wrong with the cinnamon I used.

B: skipped

L: also skipped. Was dyeing my hair and was kind of full.

1:30pm - s: carne asada burrito bowl at freebirds, all the fixings.

4pm - extra snack... freebirds brownie

D: omg... post track workout I devoured a double bacon cheeseburger in a lettuce wrap from five guys

S:5 chicken wings and a mini pizza because **** it... i ran till i peed myself and then had to keep running. I deserve pizza.

Up: 7:50 Vyvanse took 2h to kick in... augh. Brain felt like a slug despite extra coffee. Slept really well though. It was nice to fall asleep to rain. We get so little here. It rarely rains, but when it does, its whenI left a half done project out that shouldn't have gotten wet.

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Omg... I made the best burrito bowls. The mexican coleslaw was what put it over the top... shredded carrots, red peppers, red onions, jalapeño, red cabbage, and jicama. Lime juice, garlic, honey, olive oil dressing. Omg!!!! How have I never thought to do that before ????

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Note to self: Making lunch instead of dinner kills all productivity for today. Only other thing accomplished today was purchase of a pair of slip on canvas shoes, grey shorts, and a pink tank top for summer. Last year I waited too long to buy summer stuff an the only stuff available in my size was hideous or poor quality. I don't need much but I'd like what I buy to look good.

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Did not make it to bootcamp. Teeth in back on left side hurt like the dickens all of a sudden. Glad I paid dental insurance but it doesn't kick in till July. Augh.

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8am S: coffee and half and half, oatmeal

B: skipped

S: skipped

12pm L: turkey burrito bowl with a lot of veggies.

2pm S: round 2 of burrito bowl, since I skipped 2 meals and have bootcamp tonight.

Ex found the spare key in the cup holder of his car. So I didn't lose it after all. Feel kind of bad that I went home last night instead of staying till this morning but I missed my dog and I was eating a lot of delicious simple carbs. Back on track today though.

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Up: 8am - a lot of neck pain so I stuck around the house longer than I should have cleaning and doing laundry . Got sucked into taking my dad out. Bought him lunch because he agreed to go to diner instead of mcdonalds. Then we went to the 99cent store where I lost him, freaked, then found him out by my car.

2:25pm... laying down for an hour to calm down. My heart is just pounding in my chest.

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Got a recruiter call for a job that was way over my head, but a good company. B of A. It required someone who was good at Blueprint process orchestration and getting everyone in the company to agree on stuff... That's usually what my boss does... But they only wanted to pay in my range, lol.

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Didn't realize till I posted my dinnertime snack that I forgot to log my weight today! I lost 1.2 lbs hanging out with my ex this weekend despite all the junk food I consumed Sat night and Sun lunch.

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S: oatmeal, coffee, half and half

B: kellog crustless quiche, broccoli

S: 2 cheese sticks and some crackers, I think. A little fuzzy on what I ate today

L: cheese burger in a lettuce wrap. Split an order of sweet potato fries with my dad. Ranch dressing side.

S: A whole bag of Popped sweet potato chips. So freaking addictive. Ate out of frustration when I got home when my dad interrupted my nap because he was so excited about our lunchtime conversation.

D: two servings of turkey meat sauce and spaghetti. I dunno if I was hungry or frustrated.

S: a valentine's cake pop at starbucks, posting homework and burning off aggravation with mom.

Kind of off diet track Fri - Sun. Went down to SD to see ex and had a very nice time. Stuck around an extra day and got my brain back together. Am currently in his comfy chair tackling scary tasks and applying for jobs... Something that I've been kind of spacing out on.

He was even very nice when I lost his house key. Sigh.

It's just so good to get hugs and hang with a friend to relax.

Was up at 7 but spent till 10 in a kind of paralysis and not tackling the chores I need to do. Realized that it's because I am supposed to drive down to SD tomorrow to see my ex and I am in a paralysis from all the mean texts he sent. I just keep flashing through them and even though I deleted them from my phone as soon as they came in I remember the horrible sick feeling from the onslaught and freeze up.

---- Up - 7 S: 7- mp coffee oatmeal, late taking vyvanse at 8 B: mp - kellogs quiche, broccoli, more oatmeal S: mp - two no added nitrite turkey lettuce rolls with ranch. L: mp - apple slices, pb, paleo cookie S: mp - sweet potato fries, southwest dressing, extra was trail mix D: mp - cabbage salad, beans, rice, veg, bean burger, diet coke

There is nothing that puts me as full of hope as making a new female friend with her act together. K is a super cool lady I met at that meetup superbowl party and hit it off with. We got together for breakfast this morning and it was fun to sit and talk to her for a while. Have been really lonely with Molly not feeling hot and it was good just to sit and talk to someone with similar interests. She has a startup idea for dog owners that includes a social networking site and offered to pay me to do it for her... I winced at the "newbie" move but she's getting her international doctorate in business and knows how to do market research studies so I said I'd help her refine her idea if she helped me with my meal planning idea and we can just hang out and help each other.

She invited me to two things this weekend, lol. Except I am on my way down to see my ex this weekend and see if we can make another go of it. Happy Valentine's weekend to me!

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Went on a terrible OKcupid date last night that made my ex down in SD look good.

He deliberately avoided any personal questions on the phone and just wanted to meet in person... But I was just happy to meet him for coffee at Starbucks... It might have been a bad day for him and he was worn out, or it might have been the terrible choice of Starbucks (poorly managed location that was disgustng and uncomfortable), or it might be that he is more confused about picking a partner than I am... But it was really aggravating to go through. He is a 46yo British ex pat who is a religous Muslim, doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, and doesn't like living with pets and expects his partner to give up their dog or cat in order to live with him because he is allergic... or leave them at home to come to his place. He also doesn't like camping or doing anything that breaks a sweat outdoors. When asked why he isn't trying to find a nice lady in his group of friends, he answered that those women all want financial security (doctor, lawyer, engineer) and that he can't offer them that. But western women are more business minded and just want love and loyalty... and that he can do. He clearly pre-qualified me as not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, which left "dog owner" as his last obstacle. He positioned it as that if I held out for a guy that likes dogs, I would have to compromise and put up with cheating. When asked what he likes to do he said "I love to laugh and I am really funny." But nothing he said was funny... So I tried plling his chain with a fish story and he didn't call me out on it... And I let it stand because I suddenly felt awkward. So I ended up leaving and feeling bad because I inadvertently lied when I was trying to tease him with a preposterous fish story.

Never mind that on my profile my list of dealbreakers he hit like 5. 

UGH. HUMAN SPAM.

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Back on the horse for a new 60 day challenge. I want to do all the "homework" the strength training daily challenges this round. I always struggle with habit consistency so this will be a big challenge. I bought an 8x10 tarp I can spread out in fronnt of my house and put a yoga mat on to do the homework.

From the challenge summary:

• Each day you will be asked to perform either a Cardio or an Interval Training Workout
• Each day you will be asked to perform Homework--a prescribed number of non-timed movements.
• Each day you will be asked to adhere to the Nutrition Plan provided in the Guides section of the app. Pro Tip: Pack up your food in small containers, so that it is readily available throughout the day.
• Each day you will be asked to eat an appropriate amount of vegetables.
• Each day you will be asked to avoid simple carbs.
• Each day you will be asked to get between 7 and 8 hours of sleep.
• Each day you will be asked a simple, open-ended question about a topic relevant to the challenge. This will be shared with other participants on the challenge feed.
• Each day you will be asked to read a brief article on fitness or nutrition.
• Each day you will be reminded of a healthy habit and maybe asked to give it some consideration.
• Each day you should be able to get through all of the challenge tasks within 60 minutes. 

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Up: 8:30AM

S: Oatmeal, Coffee, half and half

B: Noah's Bagels eggwhite power sandwich, iced tea, 

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L:

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D:

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