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happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 28, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Tuesday 9/28/21...

Augh. One foot in front of the other.

  • Friday... Went to PT. They gave me a routine that made my neck so sore I iced it on and off all day Saturday.
  • Saturday I missed my workout because I felt like ****. I think the stone in my bladder was trying to come out. I did book club, then went on a terrible date with the Exish and just went home. I won't go into why it was so bad, except that his normal baseline is cranky and it makes things really hard... Add on top of that my dad tells me nearly daily that I suck and all I want is out and away as soon as his mood goes bad. Therapist says I haven't been physically well and have had a really hard time so give it 3 more months. AUGH... At least the cat was relieved to see me when I got home and gave me extra cuddles.
  • Sunday I was really happy to wake up in my own bed, despite all the bladder pain. I got everything done for the endocrinologist... Which took a really long time. I also stayed up too late watching Netflix because I felt deprived of a break.
  • Monday I missed my workout because I still didn't feel well. Made a GP appt, seriously considered going to urgent care, but I had an endocrinologist appointment. That actually went well. I think I am having brain fog issues from the meds, not sugar... that's usually below a 6 A1C... she wants to take me off Glipizide and Alogliptin and try something called Rybelsus. She gave me 6 weeks of free samples... I'm researching it today.

Today I missed my workout because I still just don't feel well. I think I passed the bladder stone yesterday... the tenderness is way down, but everything down there feels kind of angry and irritated and doesn't want to get up and do cardio. Plus I am just so tired. I don't know why I redid my grocery list template instead of working out. I don't feel like jumping up and down that's for sure.

I did realize yesterday that I need to do my calorie check at 3pm instead of 5 to do a 14 hour fast. Sigh.

Need to bust the "I miss my mom. Everything is toohard. I'm so lonely, I try so hard and nothing works, nothing is fun, nothing feels or tastes good, all I do is fail." cloud. I need to move forward.

Took some Azo. Hopfully it will help while I wait for my appointment in a couple of days.


  • Make cardio easier... take apart the monitor stand and see if I can mount it to a table and raise it 18 iches so it can be used standing. Would require a run to the hardware store to buy new bolts. Not feeling so hot and my order won't be there till 10/2 anyway.
  • Do something to feel good... Work on book club notes.
  • Move forward. Work on my to do list

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 09/28/2021:
Those stones can be excruciating! Can they break it up with lithography? Hope that’s the right word. Too lazy to check.

Your Garmin is way better than my Fitbit ever was!

bearcountrygg on 09/28/2021:
Hopefully you passed that stone....

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:
I think I did. I'll find out Friday I guess. I mostly just want to get it documented in my file in case I have another one. Build up a record so if I need something more extensive later, there's something to work with.

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:
I think I did. I'll find out Friday I guess. I mostly just want to get it documented in my file in case I have another one. Build up a record so if I need something more extensive later, there's something to work with.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/28/2021:
i too have heard how painful stones are...

maybe try to do less....all your plans do sound like a ton. you are doing good, Happy.

Donkey on 09/28/2021:
I don't think you suck. I think you're trying very hard under very trying circumstances. And doing a damn good job of it, too, even if it doesn't feel that way.

I hope you heal from passing the stone. Oh my that's painful.

happy-1 - Saturday Sep 25, 2021
Weight: 234.0

 Saturday 9-25-21:

Yesterday I was so tired and run down when I woke up, I couldn't face pulling the lifeboard out of my bed to setup yoga... so I bit the bullet and bought another one. I can't keep missing workouts. It needs to be as easy as possible to hit that mat as soon as I wake up in the morning.

At least I went back to PT. 3 sessions left.

Still tired this morning, like I got hit by a bus. I had enough REM the last 2 nights, and while Garmin hasn't posted REM stats yet, I am cautiously optimistic that I will have had enough REM last night as well. Unpredictably, it comes back every once in a while and then I can think again and feel semi-human. Maybe this will be one of those weeks.

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 09/25/2021:
Hope you feel better and have a nice day. Take good care of yourself.

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:
Hugs. TY

Jacky82020 on 09/25/2021:
You mean Garmin has a delay in posting sleep stats? Fitbit had numbers as soon as I got up, but never trusted them.

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:
Yeah... It takes about 2-3 hours for it to post final sleep numbers... It holds off on telling you your REM until you've been up and around for a little bit.

innerpeace on 09/25/2021:
I hope you feel better soon...do you really need a device to tell you if you got good sleep, or does it tell you anything that you don't already know? That would be another form of anxiety to me I think, I hope it works for you.

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:
I"m so tired, I'm looking for the improvements. Every 5 min average increase makes me feel a ton better... but to do that I need to figure out the pattern of habits to maintain to boost it. It seems to matter as much as monitoring my sugar for my ability to stick to the right habits.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/25/2021:
although you missed your workout, it sounds like you had a ton of other productivity to your day! (re. yesterday's entry)

i do agree. with exercise, make it as easy as possible to avoid skips. agreed!

hoping sleep improves; as you say it should :)

bearcountrygg on 09/25/2021:
Good idea getting the second lifeboard.

Donkey on 09/26/2021:
(I'm sorry, I thought I had contributed a comment yesterday. I see that I haven't.)

I agree with Bear - a good investment to get a 2nd board. And good for you to get back to PT. Does PT help?

IDK about the sleep thing. It might very well just be one of those weeks. I seem to *feel* better when I get a B+ sleep score, versus when I get an A-. I seem to almost always fall a little short on REM.

happy-1 - Thursday Sep 23, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Thursday 9/22/21

Missed my workout this morning. Mama cat did her very best to keep me awake when I woke up at 4am to pee, but I went back to bed and was out cold till 7. I don't think she's ever used me like a land bridge and walked from one end of my body to the other before.

Ran coworking for the guy who started it. He had a family thing. It is really hard.

Then I took my dad to the doctor. 

Did you know that I am the meanest daughter ever and a bully?

Fights over ice cream means his sugar is controlled, there was bo swelling in the back of his eye and he gets to keep his 20/30 vision a little while longer.

So tired.



Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 09/24/2021:
Wow, your dad requires the patience of Job. HUGS

happy-1 on 09/25/2021:
Ha! I’ve definitely been stuck here for an eternity, but I doubt I will be rewarded with twice as much as I had before.

bearcountrygg on 09/24/2021:
I tell Sampson no....he doesn't like it but he is learning to accept it.....and he has gotten some manners since he came here so that is better. When I first lay down every night...he is right in my face wanting his head scratched....and so I scratch his head for a minute...and then quickly tell him to go lay down...he resists...so I push him aside gently, tell him to go nighty night..he gives me the evil eye and then lays down.....with his back to me to show his unhappiness...and we both go to sleep....it'a a routine now....he would much rather keep me awake playing with him but that isn't how bedtime works around here.....LOL

happy-1 on 09/24/2021:
Lol! You must be able to fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. I actually really appreciate that she tucks me in every night and wakes me up every morning. Petting her as I am falling asleep keeps me off my phone and drops my anxiety levels. I pass out while petting her. Then she leaves me alone till I wake up… our conflict is that my bladder wakes me up earlier than my alarm and I try to go back to sleep.

bearcountrygg on 09/24/2021:
Apparently your Dad thinks you are keeping him alive against his will.........was he looking forward to blindness and amputation???? I think if I was you I would provide him with some photos of amputations from diabetes.....my sister in law has been through that and it has had a huge effect on D and his desire to keep his diabetes under control. Show him some photos of wound vacs...that would shake anyone up....huge sponges shoved into open wounds at amputation sites.....hooked to a suction machine....seeing it in real life is eye opening......I think I would print out some pictures and leave them laying around...if he thinks you are a bully then he would surely hate those hospital procedures.

happy-1 on 09/24/2021:
Omg. What an idea. It’s horrifying and brilliant. Except it could happen to me too and the idea of googling that fills me with fear. I’m doing everything I can to control my sugar and it’s still a struggle.

Maria7 on 09/24/2021:
Bless your heart. You are a good Daughter who loves and cares very much about her Daddy. Doing the best you can for him every day. Take good care of yourself. I laughed when I read about your cute cat using you for a land bridge! Hahaha!

happy-1 on 09/25/2021:
Without the cat I would be mean and crazy by now, I think! Everyday I get closer to enough sleep to be able to put him in a home.

Donkey on 09/24/2021:
It warmed my heart to read about the "land bridge". Kitty loves you.

You are a good and great daughter. I'm sorry your dad can't see that, nor appreciate that what you're doing is to help him.

happy-1 on 09/25/2021:

Jacky82020 on 09/25/2021:
Persevere, Happy. You shall be rewarded with Nine Hot Guys

happy-1 on 09/28/2021:

happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 22, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Wed 9/22/21:

Up at 4:30 am. Ate my daily healthy breakfast and coffee. Went for a run. Then I did an hour of power flow yoga.

Yes, this is happy-1's log. Had to happen sometime.

Rest of the day... a challenge.I have a really important task I haven't been able to get my brain into... 2nd day in a row. Tomorrow I try again.

But... Celebrate the wins.

And I managed to make dad some chicken soup. 

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 09/22/2021:
You had a very good day!!

horn_of_plenty on 09/23/2021:
yum, chicken soup! you sound positive :) keep it going, one foot in front of the other :)

4:30am is early....i did that, today, too. well, stayed in bed till around 4:50am...

Donkey on 09/23/2021:
VICTORY!!!! You killed it today!!!

happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 21, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Tuesday 9/21/21:

So many things went right... still missed 6AM yoga... I think I need to start getting up at 4:30AM. My brain just needs more warmup time. It took me like 15 minutes to realize that was why my computer wasn't turning on... Doh. 

Getting ready for a 6:30am class (yay). Then I will either run or bike. Probably run. If I can get the Garmin coach program to load. If I can't I will bike since that is my plan for today. Except my butt hurts.

Minor success... OT says I can use my time tracking study for function level the way I planned to. I just need to build in a buffer for being introverted and needing wind down time alone, and have a way to account for travel time and things going wrong outside of my control. Yay me.

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 09/21/2021:
7am. Tried and bailed on the 6:30 AM class. I might not be up to a class everyday. It might be a class EOO day, with cardio in between. Or I am really feeling only drinking 4 bottles of water yesterday not 7.

bearcountrygg on 09/21/2021:
Is there a yoga class that corresponds with your best time of day? That would probably make it easier.

happy-1 on 09/22/2021:
LOL. It's my only time of day.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/21/2021:
i love time alone.

a class everyday is a lot; and there's classes most times of day...who knows, maybe you like evening classes?

also, nice job getting a lot right, nobody is perfect all the time xoxo

Donkey on 09/22/2021:
I agree with the above - a yoga class a day is kind of a lot, unless you're doing something like a challenge, e.g. "30 days of yoga". If you are looking to yoga as a "workout", then it's a lot. If you are looking to yoga as a mind-connection thing, then even sitting for 5 minutes to meditate or participating in shavasana would count for daily yoga.

That's kind of cool about the OT feedback, to manage time. :-D

Horn_of_plenty on 09/22/2021:
donkey has some great points, above!

happy-1 - Monday Sep 20, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Monday 9/20/21:

Last night Mama Cat said no phones in bed, pet me. I passed out petting her while she purred away on my chest.

today I pulled off yoga but not cardio.

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 09/21/2021:
Geez. Post vanished. Anyways, said we know who the Boss Lady is in your house. My cats approve.

Donkey on 09/21/2021:
Ha ha ha - kitty is the boss! Ha ha ha! But how nice to call asleep to a purring kitty nearby. This I know - I miss the little kitty girl that we had that used to do this almost every night with me.

Hey, getting yoga accomplished is GREAT!!!! Yay you!!!!

happy-1 - Sunday Sep 19, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Sunday - Sept 19, 2021:

3rd post for today... except I really need it. Pushed through my 8:30 cutoff time to finish my stats for tomorrow... and did it. Took the trash out at 8:30. Dad thinks I'm up and should be available to work with him. He tried to give me a whole to do list while I took out the trash. I said no, I won't remember tomorrow. I'm too tired. 9:45 he called me on the phone. I got up out of bed to see if it was an emergency. It wasn't, He wants me to buy something. I said I'd talk to him about it tomorrow and went back to bed. I'm wide awake now. Might as well setup yoga for tomorrow AM. Coffe and breakfast are already setup. 

Path of least resistance is being developed.

Grrr. Get after it.


Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/20/2021:
Quite impressive with establishing boundaries... or if you prefer, being true to yourself in knowing where to draw the line.

I hope you have a really good yoga session this morning - good luck at the doctor's appointment!

bearcountrygg on 09/20/2021:
It's good to set boundaries with your dad....you count too...and if there is anything at all that he can do for himself then he should be doing those things.....you really are not his personal servant......you may be there to help and aid him but you also have a life and he needs to respect that too.......sounds like he likes to rile you/push your buttons.......you can resist that...you went to check to see that he was safe...after that....it can wait for another time that also works well for you......being a caretaker is so hard...been there.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/20/2021:
sometimes, it's worth it (like you did!) to push to get something done for that satisfied feeling you get when you accomplish it! xoxo i do agree, boundaries are a good thing. he cannot call you any time of night; if it's not an emergency :) xoxo

Horn_of_plenty on 09/20/2021:
it does feel good (now commenting on your previous entry!) to clean up and organize. i always have to be in "the right mindset" to clean up. finally went thru all my "unimportant mail" from the union / health insurance. i had been putting the letters aside, knowing they were just records of copays (still not the best idea to wait so long to open, because you never really know!) things were almost 3 months old. oops. nothing important, but i let it clutter up too much. usually i'm better, i will remember that going forwards! :) and not let that happen again! i think it's been extra bad because of my job changes and i got really distracted, but that's no excuse!

i agree, that in the AM, it's gotta be a clear path in order to do exercise! definitely, the more obstacles towards starting, the less inclined anyone would be!

sorry for your dad's moodiness. the older people get, the more difficult at times!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/20/2021:
that first time of the quake, when you were petting your cat, it may be that she was scared and that's why she stayed with you and didn't bite you!

when we had some fireworks this summer, my little piggie was scared; and it was one of the only times he sat with me and didn't fight me to get off!

happy-1 on 09/23/2021:
Lol! Big warm human! You are useful!

happy-1 - Sunday Sep 19, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Sunday 9-19-21...

A little better this morning. I started by clearing all the clutter in my bedroom that makes it hard to set up yoga before bed so I can work out as soon as my eyes open. Basically I had stuff that could go into my closet out where my chair, folding tables, and exercise ball need to go. I've been putting them on my bed when I do yoga, but when I wake up at 5am, I need to start setting up yoga at 5:40 am to be ready for a 6am class. I mentally just can't get it together to move these before 7am. Hopefully a path of least resistance will make this easier.

Today I need to finish getting all my data together for the OT so that I am ready for my endocrinologist appt on 9/27. It's a lot... and I'm weirdly just not that into doing it. I don't know why. This is supposed to help me get it all back together again and free to live my own life. 

Maybe I just need some time out of the house. I haven't seen good daylight in a couple of days.

Dad isn't helping. He seems to want me to be on my knees begging forgiveness for meddling and getting him a COVID test and accidentally getting home health pulled. I said of course I made a mistake. I am going to make mistakes. The only way to not make mistakes is to not get involved at all. Do you think you did anything to contribute to the situation? Then he wanted soup, but for me to pull all the meat out of it and just give him the pea soup. I said I can blend it up for him and he told me to shut my ****ing mouth and do what he tells me to do. I told him the soup was on the stove and when he is ready he can get it himself.

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 09/19/2021:
Geez, your dad can be so trying, poor you. HUGS

Good to get out of the house. Just do it!

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
Yeah... it's a bummer battle... He's miserable, I want to help, me helping means I get worn down and I don't achieve my goals and I need to get this data stuff done for tomorrow. It's 6:42 pm and my brain is finally "on" enough to focus, but I've only got an hour or so left of energy. UGH

Donkey on 09/19/2021:
Glad that you have a better setup for yoga, now. GOOD!

Getting out might be very helpful. I'm so sorry about your dad's choice of words. Just gotta walk away, I guess...?

Jacky82020 on 09/19/2021:
Think of it this way. You have to care of yourself so that you can assist your dad. Sounds like sometimes he’s miserable with or without you, so try to relax & tend to your needs

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
Hugs. Ty!

Donkey on 09/20/2021:
^ Excellent insight from Jacky :-)

happy-1 - Sunday Sep 19, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Saturday, 9/18/21... Second post for today but I really need it...

After midnight here... Having a hard time getting to sleep. It's on me... I spent the whole day inside... My neck and back hurt so I didn't work out... it stuck around all day till about 11pm. No daylight, no circadian drive to sleep. I ran book club which is the highlight of my week. Then I worked on getting data together for the endocrinologist. That was time in front of my monitor. I did get up and make dad some dinner, but then I sat down and worked again. I got very little done.

Mostly what is eating me up is loneliness. My friend invited me to her dog's birthday party next Sunday. I would really like to go, but I just don't feel well yet, it's an hour and a half south, it requires ATVs which bounce and my neck can't take lifting a chair. I'm also just out of practice being around people. And I'm nervous about being that far away from home without support for my dad.

Thanks for letting me say that out loud in the middle of the night. I feel better.

Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
And also I was almost asleep and the cat woke me up at 11pm. Ugh!

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
But I started taking tyrosine and tryptophan tonight so maybe that will help

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
Because it’s pretty overwhelming to think of how much work it will be to get dad squared away, the house cleaned out, my neck back together, a job, friends, and a life again.

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
And I can’t get comfy in my bed… I probably need to go back to the chiropractor, even though I’m not supposed to… I’m supposed to do PT

Donkey on 09/19/2021:
I'm impressed that you gather data for your doctor. Is the endocrinologist open to reviewing the data?

Oh how I hate it when you almost fall asleep only to be jarred awake -- that has been my issue this whole past week. Ugh, then I have to start the whole "falling asleep" process over. If I have to do this more than once, on a given night, getting any good sleep becomes significantly harder. Each time, it's harder and harder to start the "falling sleep" again. It takes longer and doesn't seem as relaxed.

Maybe you need a new mattress, or time to flip/turn your mattress?

I'm sorry to hear about your loneliness, although I'm glad you came here to say it "aloud". That is not as easy as one might think, to admit it. (((hugs)))

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
I gather data for my doctors and prepare questions ahead because the healthcare system is so broken I need to be able to show data and push with questions to close the gaps. I find it unacceptable that I say I am short on REM and easily fatigued and they just shrug and say get more exercise. Also ADHD is pervasive so I need to show them what I am doing and not doing and get help based on my efforts and obstacles.

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
For sleep… melatonin, gaba, tryptophan, ashwagandha, theanine, and tyrosine is my current cocktail. Hopefully it will help.

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
I do need a new mattress but I didn’t find anything I liked for a low price. I have a fantastic CA king mattress in storage and no room for it here. I don’t want to shell out for a full size mattress. Also, I have found that my yoga board under a 1 inch mattress topper on top of my current mattress is more comfortable than any of the mattresses I have tried… that it suddenly isn’t comfortable is a sign I need to go to the chiropractor.

Having my yoga board in my bed between workouts is a time management challenge while I get myself stronger. It is easy to pull out but it is a struggle to put away. I wear myself out putting it away and miss cardio.

A second one would be about $120. I love it. It makes such a huge difference doing yoga at home. I wasn’t pulling it out when I started back up again and I wasn’t getting any stronger… but I have the past couple of weeks and it is such a big improvement. https://www.getlifeboard.com/

I’d rather get a board that covers my whole bed and a larger topper for the money though. I just haven’t felt great enough to do it.

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
I’d have to get MDF cut and then rent a van to get it home.

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
It’s super hard to say you are lonely. Thanks for being here for me to say it to.

Donkey on 09/19/2021:
I meant to mention, if the cat isn't concerned about the earthquake, then you're probably OK. Forget the Richter scale - your cat will let you know!

Makes total sense as to why you present empirical data at your doctors' appointments! I'm sorry it really got to that point though. How frustrating!

I believe that there are a lot more lonely people out there than one would think. And one can be married and still quite lonely (maybe even more so, from what I've heard from others).

happy-1 on 09/19/2021:
I think it would be awful to be lonely in a marriage... I'd feel panicky and trapped.

happy-1 - Saturday Sep 18, 2021
Weight: 234.0

Saturday 9/18/21:

4.5 earthquake last night... but what was surprising was how LONG it lasted. I had flashbacks to the Northridge quake in the 90s...  I was in my bathrobe post shower at the time and I was very nervous about having to get out and leave the house if it got worse. The cat was sitting on me for a cuddle at the time... I was more surprised that she didn't bother jumping off my lap and just chilled while I kept petting her. And didn't bite or scratch me. I actually had to pick her up and put her down to go check on dad when it stopped. Weird cat. Clearly a native Californian.

Woke up with a massive headache this morning. I pushed dad in a wheelchair yesterday no problem... then when we got home, he asked me to swap his chair and I was too hungry, lifted wrong and did in my neck. No workout till it goes away. Plus I am dehydrated. 

I need to go through all my data and get it ready by Monday. I'm a little apprehensive about how much work it will be and that makes me procrastinate on actually starting.


Now that I have said it aloud... time to get started.


Progress as of today: 83 lbs lost so far, only 74 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 09/18/2021:
Earthquakes! Takes me back to all my years in California. Lived there until 2004. On East coast now. No earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes etc here. Lots of snow which I like.

Keep up on the hydration. Sometimes I have to work on mine. Easy to lag.

Hope that neck is doing better today.

happy-1 on 09/18/2021:
ty! hugs!

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