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happy-1 - Saturday Sep 28, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day whatever of whatever.

Made yesterday count by:

  • sorting out my bedroom into a space I feel semi-human in
  • got a tax question answered by the IRS (soooo much time on the phone)
  • participated in a doc phone appointment for my dad
  • made dad dinner
  • went to bed more or less on time

Made today count by:

  • going to OA
  • advancing the cleanout by buying plastic bins for my dad's stuff 
  • working on the household schedule for October (always a hassle)
  • sacrificing a sacred cow so it no longer has any power over me
  • doing my 30 min of companion time assignment with my dad from the social worker

One of the leaders at the OA group I went back to today has latched onto me like I'm a special project and wants me to get a sponsor. Not really there yet. I've got a plan for getting dad squared away so I can go back to work (and a schedule) and I don't want to add anything or reprioritize, or have some well-meaning non-professional divert my goals. I bought the book she recommended and told her I would look at my calendar and see what kind of availability I have to talk to a sponsor multiple times a week. It's definitely not worth skipping yoga for. Kind of the opposite of what I am trying to do.

The sacred cow I sacrificed was a letter my mom wrote me in 2002 with her final instructions. I've been keeping it with me and saving it since she passed as a way to stay connected to her. My dad has been after me to open it and read it. It is a huge trigger and derails me every time with grief and anger. Because he is going for dementia testing, I gave it to him today for him to read and give back to me, but told him not to tell me what's in it because I'm saving it to open for my birthday. I figure he should be able to read it while he can still remember what is in it. Or before the zombie apocalypse takes us all. I look at the cabinet of their unused wedding china and think what's the point of deferring joy? Might have been a mistake though. I just feel really hollow and empty.

My head hurts.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/29/2019:
lol before reading further, i was just about to ask about what sacrificing a sacred cow means. it's now in the past, even though you just read the letter today. you can move on still. it's not a mistake, you just keep moving forward.


grannyannie on 09/29/2019:
Productive day


Donkey on 09/29/2019:
Oh dear, that's too bad about the leader -- I was hoping she would more of a help to you than to push you. Do you think you need to be pushed forward a little in the OA program? Or is she over-zealous? At any rate, perhaps see it as a honor to have someone take interest in your journey. Perhaps she identifies with you?

I agree with Horn, it's not a mistake, you just move forward. And you are SO right about not deferring joy, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. (((hugs)))



happy-1 - Friday Sep 27, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 17/60

Made yesterday count by getting up early, walking my dog, and eating healthy.

Next I worked with professional organizer to continue to make a dent in the giant pile of crap in the front room that I need to move into. Towards the end, we realized that my dad is keeping so much stuff it wouldn't fit into the little area we had set aside, and I ended up cleaning out my mom's closet so that he could move into it. Other than the few items of clothing I set aside to have memory dolls made from, I cleared the entire closet. It was mostly my plus sized clothes (xl, 1x, 2x, 3x) that I had set aside for her to wear. She never got to wear any of them. She also had tons of brand new shoes she never wore. It all went into clear bags to go for donation. Broke my heart and feels a little like I am throwing my mom away, but she isn't in the closet with all her things or in the donation bags sitting in my car. She's in a box in the living room under her self portrait in her beloved bureau where I am putting each bit and piece of memory items for her... Almost like the Egyptians did with the mummies. From her closet, I saved one of her hats, 2 hat pins, then all her jewelry and scarves to go through later. Then we put everything my dad is keeping in the closet. This morning I unpacked my clothes from the duffel bag I've had them in for however many years and hung them up in the closet... Tomorrow I will be able to get up in the morning and get dressed like a human being and do a better job for myself, the pets, and my dad because I let my mom's clothes go.

I also made yesterday count by putting on real clothes and makeup and going to an OA meeting. This one I was invited to by a woman I met on Saturday because she was leading. I didn't realize that meant she was telling her weight story. She is an exceptional storyteller and I'd hear that again no problem. You laughed... you cried. Really great. The folks at the meeting were a little strange.  I was struck by how "down" most of the people looked... Wrong hairstyles, dull clothing colors, unhealthy. No energy, joy, or vibrancy. Bottomless sorrow.

She said after I've gone to 30 meetings in 30 days, the next step is to look for a sponsor. That I've already lost more than 100 lbs, but I did that by isolating myself from friends who drink, smoke, and overeat because I just can't and don't do any of that anymore. I got there but the weight is creeping back on so I'm more in the stages of trying to add things back in so I'm mostly just looking for people to go for a bike ride and have a cup of coffee with. She said she hope she sees me Saturday.

So I guess my do over was well done.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 09/27/2019:
Wow, you are moving along extremely well and I know it has not been easy but you are truly an inspiration! I know it was not easy for you to gather together your Mama's clothes to give in donations. I recently, altho my Mama is still living in the nursing home, had to go through her clothes and many pocketbooks, etc. and donated a lot of her things, because she had a lot of them in her side of the room (she has half of a room and her roommate has other half) and social services director said Mama had too much stuff in her side of the room and a lot of it had to leave. Instead of bringing the items home with me, I distributed them among the residents there at the nursing home, who were happy to receive the items and like you, I felt like I was giving part of my Mama, who is 88 and not in good health, away and felt sort of sad about it but at the same time, happy for the residents who received the items very happily. It was not an easy thing to do, but I felt that I had rather do it then than later. I have given away a LOT of her clothes already that I had stored here at the house for a long time, cause I just didn't have the space to store them as well as why keep them when someone else can be blessed to have clothing to wear after the clothes were donated? I applaud you. It is good that you are keeping 'some' most precious things of your Mama's but at the same time, you are being realistic in letting go of other things, and I am glad you have space for your things now, too, as well as for your Dad.


Donkey on 09/28/2019:
I was so moved by your post. Thank you for sharing your experience. I guess life is all about change.

The OA lady sounds hopeful, like this could be a good connection for you. That's very odd about the other folks at the meeting, though. I could picture them, as you described... and imagined myself sitting there, too, what that must have felt like.

Your do-over was very well done!


BearCountryGG on 09/28/2019:
You sure are making good headway.



happy-1 - Thursday Sep 26, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 16/60 no contact. Still pushing forward no matter what. I am behind on reading and commenting on logs. Dumping emotions here to clear my head and move forward. You all deserve my time, attention, participation, care, concern, outreach, appreciation, and feedback... and I will put a big effort in as soon as I can catch my breath. If anyone saw the gator movie this summer, that's what I feel like... like they are all around me and I need to stay ahead.

Made yesterday count by:

  • getting up on time,
  • going to a doc appt,
  • picking up dad's prescriptions,
  • a peaceful lunch out and reading the grocery ads (nothing worth the effort),
  • going home to my dad as promised to feed the pets, wash dishes and start a load of laundry,
  • returning untouched protein shakes I bought for my mom to the drugstore (super awkward moment when I told the clerk I couldn't use the card to return them because it belonged to my mom and I used it to buy her protein shakes and she's dead so the card won't work... she was so kind and gave me store credit).
  • getting my taxes in like a responsible citizen
  • eating healthy snacks I packed in my cooler
  • going to another OA meeting
  • coming home on time to make a healthy dinner for myself and dad
  • getting my social worker assignment of 30 min of companion time with him done
  • cleaning it up
  • staying up when he asked me to to make sure he got his insulin shot done
  • assertively standing up for myself when he wanted to interrogate me at 10:30 at night, 2.5h past my bedtime and just going to bed
  • just going to bed and not turning on the TV

I might have overshared at OA last night during "pitches"... I said I can't ever remember really thinking much about what I look like or my weight or body image when I was younger because of all the things you can do in a day it really isn't that interesting. Iit's really only something I focus on now because of health issues. My mom passed recently and she was always the one that took care of dad's medical stuff and food, and all that falls to me now. We are working with a bereavement counselor and she recommended OA to me, so I am here and trying to learn and become more aware of things she wants me to focus on. The core conflict with my dad is around food... that he wants white bread, sugar, and diet soda but he's also diabetic and these things are basically poison. We know they light up the same areas of the brain as heroin and all our fights would make more sense if you substituted heroin or crack for turkey bologna... Like no dad, I'm not taking you to Ralphs to buy crack. She says that's wrong and I'm imposing my values on him and I have an eating issue. I also got on him recently to go to the podiatrist because he can only let it slip 2 weeks max and he was 4 months overdue and had rescheduled it 5 times. He was in danger of losing a foot. She says that's also wrong, and that he is entitled to make decisions that lead to him losing a foot... Except I take care of him and it will make my life harder if he does. So... really? I am not really sure where to start here so I am tracking any eating that I feel is an issue and then maybe I can identify the issues and use OA to my advantage. The weight is definitely creeping back on. I've had to stop hanging out with friends who don't have the same health issues I do and push me to eat cake, smoke cigars and drink... But I can't keep up with the Ironman triathletes who have the habits I am trying to build... so I am open to any help I can get.

Everyone kind of avoided me after the meeting.

Another one tonight. Do over.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/26/2019:
Very productive day!


innerpeace on 09/26/2019:
a very difficult situation in deed. what I really want to say is that sucks! everything you do just sound so exhausting. I hope you get the sleep you need and tomorrow will be a better day. Prayers for continued strength and guidance and emotional stability. You friend...are a God send to your parent.


BearCountryGG on 09/26/2019:
I get what the councelor was saying...when my father in law was in a nursing home and they couldn't restrain him at all to keep him from falling...they said it was his legal right to fall....so we rotated around the clock 6 of us...sitting next to his bed and keeping him from getting up....we all got exhausted and surly and started infighting like a bunch of over stressed 2 year olds...he had alzheimers and had just had surgery on his legs...and was also a diabetic...I get it.....but she is correct...by law...he can make his own decisions...good or bad. He does have that right...and you are also correct...his bad decisions can make your job harder but you could also decide to leave his care to a nursing home or a group home which is what we finally had to do with my father in law....my sister in law tried...but he fell down the stairs because he had food in both hands and wouldn't hold on to the railing, he fought her over a can of cat food because he thought it was tuna and he wanted it...he put his undershirt on like it was underwear and got toally confused as to why they didn't fit right...he got up at night and got dressed including shoes and went to their room to wake them up...he ate little glass blobs out of her potted plants because he thought they were candy...it goes on and on....but again...by law...she is correct..he has the right to make his own decisions even if they don'rt sound like good ones. I will say...that D is a diabetic and he does eat small amounts of things that are sweet or carbs....you can get him whole grain brea that looks like white bread.....but fighting with him probably just agitates him further.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/26/2019:
a little goes a long way in terms of diet. and you DO know that more than exercise, diet determines a LOT in weight (more than exercise). meaning, it's EASY to overeat in this country rather than the other way around! so take it a little at a time and don't force yourself to be a superhero athlete. i feel your pain. i want to be one too ;)

i'm glad you aren't contacting him.


Donkey on 09/27/2019:
(((hugs)))



happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 25, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day whatever of 60.

Still behind in reading and responding. Just in forge ahead mode... Like can’t stop, won’t stop... Don’t look back.

I think I left off writing about a dream I had about my mom from the bank lobby with plans to go get my teeth evaluated for aligners... got so sad after writing that post I went home instead. I just wanted to have some privacy... Still was productive. I think I cleaned and made food for dad (casserole?) and started working on an oa workbook. Sunday I went back to OA then went bulk food shopping, went home, broke it down to single servings, washed dishes, fed pets,  then doubled back out again to try to find a CODA meeting but the building was locked. Monday I took a benadryl instead of an advil before I was fully awake and knocked myself out in the AM and missed the bereavement group, but rallied in the afternoon to work on the front room with the organizer. I know we worked hard but the pile is still enormous... I knew dad still had a lot of stuff but I didn’t realize how much... you could still fill a nursery with his old junk mail and computer parts. None of it is worth anything. It breaks my heart and infuriates me at the same time. I think we filled two trash barrels... Not as much this time because I couldn’t let the mold sit on the walls and windows anymore... so I spent my time scrubbing and emptying his closet to put it all closer to the door to pull out and have him go through with the organizer. After she left, I cleaned up the house and setup food for my dad and the pets... Then I left and went to the motel i booked on deep discount a couple of weeks ago when i realized today would be the only day I got to have completely to myself.

 

Today, I did my own paperwork, relaxed and still ran home 2x to do wellness checks on my dad. 

 

Making every day count for 60 days. One foot in front of the other.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/25/2019:
Progress, one step at a time. You got this.


legcramps on 09/25/2019:
This organizer is making a huge difference in your life, isn't she?! I'm so glad to hear that you are making forward progress. And you don't even know what day you're on - that's awesome :)

I love the "Don't look back" part of your post today.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/26/2019:
i'm behind also with reading / responding. still maybe not able to get back to my old ways right now...

sometimes real life takes precedence.



happy-1 - Monday Sep 23, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 13 no contact. Making every day count, but didn’t get to bank or teeth yesterday because i started crying too much in public. Reschedule. 

Today I went to another OA meeting. They gave me a newcomer chip, so I put it on her dresser with her portrait as an offering. She really tried hard to control her diet and blood sugar so it seems appropriate.

I also went grocery shopping and washed my car, washed dishes, broke down bulk food, put out pest traps, and laundry. Tired.

I’m a horrible monster every time I talk to my dad because I’m hot, hungry and tired... and he won’t look at the calendar.

tomorrow i get 2 nights at a hotel. yay. quiet, a bath, bill paying, tax doc prep

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/23/2019:
I love what you did with your chip. That's just awesome.

A two-night break - I'm so happy for you!


BearCountryGG on 09/23/2019:
2 nights at a hotel....enjoy!!! Hope they have a pool!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/26/2019:
great job, no contact.

great job, getting out and getting chores and errands accomplished.



happy-1 - Saturday Sep 21, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 12 of 60. Still behind in reading and commenting on logs, forgive me.

Topped off yesterday with trying to smooth things over with dad. I then bought low vision playing cards, a puzzle, and an led magnifying glass on Amazon. Assignment from social worker included 30 min of companion time and I hate having to sit still for meaningless drama and painful awkward conversations. Maybe busy hands will help. Might splurge on a low vision scrabble set too.

Went to bed early last night, despite an invitation to church and my ticket to Dowton Abbey. Just want to tunnel through and get to the other side. I woke up at 4, got cuddle time with the cat, then loaded up the car with ewaste and hazmat, went to the OA meeting, went to the hazmat roundup, picked up mail at the post office, ate a healthy lunch and am now in the lobby of a bank to handle stuff for the fam. Later, I have an appointment at Smile Direct to find out about getting my teeth straightened since I have that baby tooth out (and without it I keep choking on pieces of food I didn’t chew right). An act of self preservation more than self care, really.

I was up at 4 because I had the most wonderful dream... My mom and I were on a plane ride to visit family somewhere. Her head was shaved but she was plump again. I had the cat with me in his kitty sling bag, but realized I hadn’t made plans with a sitter for my dog so we had to go back. I went to bed and when I got up in the mo, I went into her room to check on her, and found her there asleep. I woke her up and said mom I had the worst dream that you got sick, suffered terribly, and died. She said it’s ok, I’ here and I crawled in with her and she gave me a hug. Then I realized this was the dream and it dissolved  but I still felt her hug.for the longest time. Her cat came and cuddled with me for a full 2 hours. Maybe she sent him.

 

 

Making every day count for 60 days. One foot in front of the other.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/21/2019:
You are getting lots done!


Donkey on 09/21/2019:
What a wonderful dream.... I do believe that there is a connection. I've had a few dreams like that...



happy-1 - Friday Sep 20, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 11 of 60

Still behind in reading logs, commenting, and responding to comments.

Today’s accomplishments were that I cleaned the house and kitchen to make it tidy, made dad breakfast, met with the bereavement counselor, booked appointments to get taxes done, started using the Freestyle Libre CGM to track my blood sugar (because I am really having a hard time getting a minute to myself to do anything let alone test), and I am about to return a belt to H and M. I have a ticket to see Dowton Abbey tonight but I am pretty wiped and I want to make tomorrow count.

Bereavement counselor assignment for me for the week is to go to an OA meeting, a CODA meeting, keep working on getting my dad into a bedroom, and take it easier on him. She seems to think he has a right to make choices that will lead to him losing a foot. She’s also not the one who will have to take care of him because he didn’t want to get his toenails trimmed and lost a foot.

Wrote a nice note to customer service for Rise about all the positive changes that the nutritionist has helped me make and they gave me a credit for a subscription charge. Aaaaaaw. Wasn’t expecting that, just wanted to give her a pat on the back.

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/21/2019:
i'm also behind on reading logs...lately, i'm not even interested in writing back to comments. seems i need a breather and a recharge also.


Donkey on 09/21/2019:
I sorely regret not getting into Downton Abbey. I know I would love it. It's just my cup of tea. I could not meet the time obligation when it originally aired on PBS, so I figured some day, I'd just binge watch it. Haven't done it yet.

I kind of did that with most of the good series on TV (especially if they were on cable, which I do not have): Sex in the City, Sopranos, Dexter, Six Feet Under. Doing this with Better Call Saul. I've been told to do this with The Wire.

Was fortunate enough to catch Mad Men and Breaking Bad when they originally broadcasted. The Walking Dead too, up until the season with Negan. Lost my cable subscription, never really got back into it.


Donkey on 09/21/2019:
OK, well, good goals from the Bereavement Counselor, although I completely understand where you're coming at with letting Dad make his own choices to lose a foot.

That is SO COOL about Rise!!!



happy-1 - Friday Sep 20, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 10/60

Still behind on reading and commenting on logs.

Pro organizer came today. I just want to hug her for a completely inappropriate length of time. Kind of like the abominable snow man hugged daffy duck and bugs bunny. The trash and recycling bins are piled high. We filled 5. I think that brings the number of filled bins since I moved in and broke my neck to 32. I can’t even imagine how there were 32 bins of trash and recycling in here. It still feels like there is no space. I took an entire backseat worth of stuff to Goodwill. I have bags and bags of e-waste to take to hazmat roundup on saturday. We found 20+ boxes of my mom’s papers to go through that I moved to a more accessible room. I haven’t shown her my dad’s closet yet. I don’t want her to run away... she has to come back. If I had to choose between my ex and the professional organizer... I would pick her. I showed her the bike trainer I bought and said “I have total confidence and faith in you that I will get to set this up in that room.”

Garmin says I got 12,000 steps in and burned over 5,000 calories cleaning today. No wonder I am so exhausted and weepy.

BUT... in other news, it took 4 months and God knows how many bags of cat treats... but last night my moth-eaten tom cat gave me a full on back rub... it was everything I was hoping for. He did it again today. If I can get him to do it a third time at bedtime I can probably get him to do it on request.

CELEBRATE!!!!

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/20/2019:
Wait - cats can give back massages??? I need to have a serious talk with my cats tonight.

PS I love reading about the organizer!


grannyannie on 09/20/2019:
Well done. You've been busy!


innerpeace on 09/20/2019:
Such a great job. I couldn't not even imagine having that amount of stuff in my house. You are doing an amazing job getting everything organized.


BearCountryGG on 09/20/2019:
You are doing great....I also had many bins of paper from my parents house...it took me days to shred it all and i burned up one shredder....it is a dunting task for sure.......my cat needs to take lessons from your cat.....all my cat does is EXPECT head cratches for himself...and continually puts his right foot in my mouth on every occasion he can...which is totally disgusting coming from something that stands in his own toilet!!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/21/2019:
that's great exercise for staying at home cleaning!



happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 18, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Warning: Just babbling here to get my head together and restart my day.

Day 9/60 of No Contact. This may be one of the smartest things I have ever done for myself. I'm not anxiously starting at my phone wondering why he doesn't do XYZ or torturing myself. It's better than blocking his number because I'm not wondering if he tried to get ahold of me but couldn't because I blocked him. Instead I am just handling it. The lack of the little sparks of joy and the feeling like there's someone worth trying harder for is hard... It makes a big difference when you get an unexpected "Hey, how was your day?" or there's someone you can picture being on Catalina Island with in the sun and water and you just let yourself go there in your mind for a few minutes. That little extra when I wake up that let me conquer AM chores and get things moving is gone. So the kitchen is gross, I have food in the fridge I need to toss, and I haven't made up the ingredients I bought over the weekend into single serving meals yet. But last night I made myself do all the dishes, wipe out the worst of the fridge, and sweep the floor, plus I did a little work on the patio. This morning I started the laundry. A few small acts a day make a difference.

Body battery: 31... then spiked up to 68??????? I had it off while I slept because I passed out about 7 right after I showered. Then the charge on the watch ran down this am so I left it to charge. I think it gave me credit for the non-worn time and artificially boosted my score. I definitely feel more like a 14 after dad's tantrum this morning. Was supposed to run errands but am now too tired to go out... I'm in my room with the door closed and just unwinding down from stress breakdown point. Regroup, reset, and refresh... and do not end up as an episode of Snapped! Love that show, don't want to be on it.

Battle today is to get dad to go to the podiatrist (again... he keeps flaking). I called and asked for a referral to someone who will come to the house. I let him know there would be an extra charge for that. Maybe not wanting to spend the money will get him to go because apparently the prospect of losing a foot is not enough to get him to take care of himself.

---

OMG it worked. He said he's ready to go to the podiatrist.

---

The Costco discount Groupon is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the months of waiting... it's here.

---

Today, my "dig myself out" achievements were getting dad to the podiatrist, checking out the local senior center, signing dad up for a local bus service, and "unhooking" after a dad outing to accomplish something. I'm also making my agenda for the next two days. 

Making every day count for 60 days by putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/18/2019:
Your last 2 sentences!!!!! Okay...you have just discovered his weak point!!! He just likes to give you a hard time!

happy-1 on 09/18/2019:
Yeah... I think you might be right... I signed him up for the city seniors bus and it starts Friday. He can go get his own damn lean cuisines. Next week I take a day off to work on my own stuff.


Grannyannie on 09/19/2019:
Hang in there!


legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Great idea to get him on the seniors bus, and fantastic job getting him to the podiatrist! Those are huge successes for you, as they will help in future to give you a little more stress free time.


legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Also - if I may - I just read back on your posts about your Dad being a jerk to you and then acting as if nothing happened later on...My Mother would often call me (or start in on me when we were together) and tear a strip off me for 'this and that' and everything under the sun. Then, later, it would be like nothing happened, she would talk and laugh and gossip, and I would boil over internally, holding it all in.

Eventually, there was a breaking point. I had done something that she did not approve of - I invited my Father (her Ex) to a family gathering - and she was literally on the phone, screaming and spitting swearwords at me. So we sat down together the next day, and I told her that I understood how she felt and would renege the invite, but that if she spoke to me that way again I would no longer engage with her.

Interestingly, though the conversation did work to some degree, it was when she moved away from me that things started to get better between us. I know that may not be an option for you, but I do think your Dad needs to know that being aggressive with you isn't going to do him any favors. You deserve respect, don't you?


Horn_of_plenty on 09/19/2019:
ah, the podiatrist...i was thinking to go to one but not yet.

keep on with no contact and nice to see your body battery still improving!!!!!!!



happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery is 14 even though I slept 9h. No wonder I feel hit by a bus this morning. Probably all the stress from friction with my dad yesterday.

Today’s major goal is to get him to a handicapped bus service eval 2 hours away (with traffic) and back again. The oxygen tanks are loaded. i had the genius stroke of putting my yoga bolsters, a sliced pool noodle, and my camping cot in the car just in case he needs to lie down with his feet up when we get there so he can do the eval.

Nutrition fell apart yesterday because I got worn out. Dad also turned down me making dinner because he was such a jerk in the morning and I was still standofish when I got home yesterday. I truly don’t understand how he can tear into me in the morning and then when I come out of my room an hour later after trying to pull myself back together he’s all just happiness and smiles like nothing happened. It takes me a week to reset.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/17/2019:
It sounds like Dad is having some major mood swings....or he just releases anger and then feels better after or has remorse....has he been checked for bipolar? Could his meds be causing the mood swings? I'm sure you have considered all of these things and I'm sure it is so difficult to deal with them. I think you are really working on not letting his attitude get to you...it's difficult i know. Has he always been like this or is this something new with his advanced years.....? I know it's difficult to let go of....but don't let him throw you for a loop....he might enjoy that.

happy-1 on 09/17/2019:
Right???? The doc says he has anxiety, but he's always so up and down... I'm really questioning whether I can do this. If it doesn't get better after I get him into a bedroom, I might have to bail. My timeline for making that decision is Nov 1.


grannyannie on 09/17/2019:
I know it's stressful being a caregiver, especially to a moody person. I hope your dad can become more agreeable.

happy-1 on 09/17/2019:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I needed that laugh. I saw a completely different person when my cousin visited after the roof collapsed and they were talking. I can't get him to be that way with me...


Donkey on 09/18/2019:
Maybe the mood swings area a sign of something else going on?

I'm sorry, this is rough. I'm glad you set a evaluation date (Nov. 1st) for yourself. Boundaries.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/18/2019:
lately, i'm sleeping a LOT too. i'm not sure why, but, i could sleep 10hrs easily every night!

i think what bcgg is saying about mood swings, your dad not being able to fully care for himself...remember that it's not your fault he acts this way - that you may not be able to logically always discuss things with him i guess..



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