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happy-1 - Saturday Dec 08, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

Have a case of cranky today. Just up a couple of pounds and didn’t get enough done this week and missed yoga last night because I was dehydrated and yoga today because I wasn’t getting moving fast enough. Also my hair isn’t falling into place like it was when I got it cut a month ago and my clothes feel messy. 

So just need to shake it off and walk my dog. Make things better. Work harder.

This was good on realigning when you are feeling overwhelmed... https://www.thecultivatedcareer.com/blog/overwhelmed-seven-strategies-to-help-you-realign

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/08/2018:
The link was helpful!

Some days are just more cranky than others... Sometimes you can rescue the day, sometimes it's better to go to bed early.

graindart on 12/08/2018:
My lack of sleep last night has made me more irritable with any family interaction today. I probably should've taken a nap today, but always feel like I'm wasting time by sleeping during the day.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/09/2018:
YES....shake it off! who sings that song, Taylor Swift!?

happy-1 - Wednesday Dec 05, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3


Proving that it is possible to date and lose weight at the same time if you date someone who doesn't try to pull you off track... and likes to do fun, healthy things like archery and dog walks/dog park. Also, does not complain if you pull meal prep trays and some drinks out of your cooler and cheerfully eats with you... because you have health goals and this is how you plan to achieve them and running to McDonalds would mean a much later movie. And is willing to eat kale, hummus, and other chick foods. Because a kickboxing instructor is basically a walking appetite and all food is good.

There are women on much weirder diets than "I pack a cooler and eat that".

I was getting super frustrated there for a bit... because I was eating on track, burning a lot of calories and nothing on the scale was moving at all... It basically laughed at me. But now I feel validated.

Also... as graindart would point out... I am past the 100lb mark. Not at the 206 I wanted to be by January, but close is good enough and I'm not going to make myself crazy over this. The weight is just a metric of other changes I am making in my life and is a result of those overall changes... not the other way around. This time last year I was 240lbs.

Today, I buy a new thermostat, do a quick grocery run, sit at Starbucks to do job applications and personal stuff, then go to yoga at 7:30pm.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 12/05/2018:
the friend always has to buy "wide" shoes :(...much less of a selection!

wow....another 3lbs down! amazing!!

YES!...regarding dating someone that lets you be YOU! this is a goal of mine...previous semi-relationship i was in, i ate what i wanted, when i wanted...it was good. he wasn't a boyfriend, but it was a relationship of some kind. ...

yes, weight comes off as it wants to and it's best not to put a timeline or due date on when it should be gone by....i agree 100%!

happy-1 on 12/13/2018:
Hugs! You are doing great and “you” is fantastic!

graindart on 12/05/2018:
The closer I get to goal, the more frustrating the slower pace gets. It was a lot easier to stay on-track and be fully committed when I was seeing 10-15 lbs disappear every month.

Congratulations on passing the 100 lb mark. For me, it's both a triumph of accomplishment and also an embarrassment that I let myself get that far out of control. Thankfully it feels like a triumph 99% of the time and only embarrassing 1% of the time.

Donkey on 12/06/2018:
Logging in this morning just to congratulate you on your loss!!!! Keep up the good work!!!

happy-1 - Tuesday Dec 04, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Took measurements on Monday and crunched them... Although my weight hasn't changed I lost a bunch of bodyfat... which explains the super weird photo... Yes... compared to past photos, my legs are weirdly skinny and my middle must look bigger by comparison... BECAUSE I LOST 3" OFF MY CALVES!!!! OMG! I CAN BUY REAL BOOTS!

For anyone who does not know... shoe manufacturers do not make real outdoor or work quality knee high boots for wide calves. Even when they are leather it is still fashion quality... which means they aren't as comfortable and can't be re-soled or repaired. It also means it is harder to walk any distance in them. 

So happy...

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 12/04/2018:
i have a coworker who has thick feet and legs and always has such trouble finding shoes....i always feel bad for her...she's not even out of shape, just her body. must have been so annoying for you!

congrats on losing so many inches on your calves!!!!!!!!! amazing!!!

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
Right? She can always buy wide-calf and have them taken in... but the quality is the issue. Another .25 inches and I can buy Fryes.

Donkey on 12/05/2018:
As someone with thick calves and cankles, I applaud your progress wholeheartedly!

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
I seriously doubt you have cankles.

graindart on 12/05/2018:
I've never taken measurements, but my scale does report bodyfat percentage. As long as one or the other is moving in the right direction I'm fine. Sometimes the scale drops some, other times the bodyfat % drops some.

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
Supposedly those scale bodyfat readings are screwy and vary with levels of hydration... The tape measure is the only real way to measure.

happy-1 - Sunday Dec 02, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Discontent today.

It may be that I slept till 10 so I am trying to get ready to meet KI (kickboxing instructor) while my parents are up which means they keep getting in the way so I am losing time and have a lot of cleanup everytime I cross paths with them. They just make messes everytime I turn around. Have had to change outfits 3x and will need to handwash them later. 

It may be that I met friends of a friend for a birthday dinner and felt out of place. I don’t drink at all now and I have no flexibility for the occasional unhealthy treat and these ladies are as large as I was and it broke my heart to see them being unhealthy... but also made me feel isolated. It was also quietly terrifying... One of the ladies sitting next to me was too heavy for her chair. The metal of the chair fatigued and she took a bad fall... the kind you have to sue over because it may have really injured her. I had the feeling she’s diabetic with other health problems and I just fear for her. 

It may be that I look like a barrel. I had an odd photo with a friend on friday night and it looked like I had my head, arms and legs photoshopped onto a fatter body with no boobs. I took measurements this morning and discovered this is because I have lost inches off my neck, arms, boobs, and calves... but my tummy and hips are the same. This will change over the next couple of weeks but it feels unsexy today.

It may be that the house is still a mess.

It may be that I haven’t gotten anything done this week and feel anxious.

It may be that I just very badly want a massive steak, a real mani pedi, and a hug.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/02/2018:
I hear what you're saying. I can so relate, as I am experiencing a similar feeling of discontent today.

Photographs can lie, just sayin'... try to focus more on feeling good on the inside. Self-confidence is so sexy. I once met a man who was ... well, nothing to look at, if you take it a part.. but he was so self-confident that everyone wanted to be with him.

Have a good time with KI -- relax, enjoy, and live in the moment with him.

graindart on 12/02/2018:
"Discontent" is a good way to describe my mood lately too. Add "lazy" to that also. As in... I'm too lazy to do anything that would reverse my being discontent.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/02/2018:
you are doing great, i wouldn't start to be so negative if i were you about your body. sometimes it's the outfit which can make even a rail-thin person look fat or without nice curves. some dresses that i have worn in the past to a wedding had no stretch or design and when i was heavier, they just looked like a big rectangle, no curves at all, and the dress just looked HORRIBLE. and i wasn't even very "FAT"...lol i'm trying to say to keep your head up, don't go judging yourself after one photo.

good job not drinking, i don't love it either. just once in ahwile...like this coming thursday night at the work holiday party.

happy-1 - Thursday Nov 29, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

It's raining! Hallelujah! Nothing lifts my mood like a rainy day. SO HAPPY. Everything that is bleak, dry, and parched is getting a drink of water... even my soul. 

I was super down this morning... had to cancel my OT appointment for today. I overslept (and always feel lousy when I do that). My neck was too stiff with the rain plus I need new tires for my car. Have been deferring maintenance because I thought I needed to do $4500 in repairs. Life just seemed overwhelming.

BUT then I got a good morning text from the hot kickboxing instructor and my spirits lifted. I gave my dog a cuddle, made some coffee, put on my big girl pants, and got it together. I bought a sleeve for my laptop, worked with support to fix my voicemail, listened to all my unanswered voicemail (only missed like 57 recruiter calls... no big deal... aack)... Cleaned out some of my email... Contacted nutritionist to restart my account... Researched car repairs and it may only run me $1,700... Life is possible.

Amazing how having someone "there" makes all the difference.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/30/2018:
lol i cannot agree on rain bc i like to walk outside...but if i'm not needing to walk, i do not mind the rain either :)

that's a major difference in total price for the better, great job!!!!

Donkey on 11/30/2018:
Glad to hear that it ended up being a productive day anyway :)

legcramps on 11/30/2018:
Awe, i'm glad your day got turned around :)

happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 28, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1


A little emotional today. Stressed, anxious, can’t really get started. Mom is sick, throwing up and I’m a little worried. I really need a hug, but don’t have anyone I can share with and get one. Just have to keep on keeping on and see what the next wave brings.

Why I can’t share with the people in my life:

  • My parents are well... themselves 
  • My friend from college is being weird about the period-perfect mid-century modern Christmas tree and ornaments I found. I can’t lay anything else on her. Just have to pretend I am doing better and getting stronger every day
  • My friend from church is putting pressure on me to commit to going to all the events she goes to. They are all at the same time as yoga, which I need to do. I don’t think she makes self-care enough of a priority and doesn’t understand why I am... she sees self-care and selfish as the same thing... the exact opposite of what I need to do
  • The kickboxing instructor is awesome to talk to and spend time with but we need to have the talk about when to go to the next level and what comes after that... ugh
  • My ex in SD is well... my ex. If I want to move on that means not getting into long conversations with him and also not leading him on
  • OOMLG is not exactly a friend. I don’t know why he keeps calling and texting, but I don’t want to be vulnerable with him because he’s not a permanent fixture in my life

And so that leaves the Occupational Therapist tomorrow and that is where I can actually share and get some coaching... but it’s not a hug. I could use a hug.


OOMLG did have the eight idea about self-hugs. Woke up early this morning for some quiet time and dyed my roots, gave myself a conditioning treatment and blew out my hair. Then I made meal prep breakfast of spinach, eggs, and half an uncured chicken sausage. 5 of them are sitting there for the week. Next I took vitamins and read posts on markmanson.net because I like his blog and it gives me a lift to read a new article about emotions and psychology even when it doesn’t apply to me.


Working on more self-hugs. Will post some more.


Give your self a hug now if you are reading this. It really helps.


Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2018:
the idea of getting me to hug myself was quite nice indeed, why thank you! :)

and i'll send you a virtual hug now <> that's my arms hugging you :)

it's sounds like you like your kickboxing instructor best. I have an idea about it...let him chase you. so many people say it and i agree that men are hunters. the minute we chase them, they run the other way..

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
LOL! I know, right? I wait for him to text me.

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
And thank you for the hug. Hugs back <>

Donkey on 11/29/2018:
I'm with Horn on this one. Let him chase you. Play it cool and just enjoy where you're at right now.

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
I'm trying. Keeping it calm.

happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 27, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

219.0 again today.  The scale is laughing at me. I keep trying and trying but no luck. Maybe it will be lower tomorrow. My mom is down to 191 and exploring the size 1x clothes I gave her... and keeps rubbing it in because she knows my weight isn’t moving.

Something is changing though... I feel like I’m shrinking. I impulse bought a pair of size 10 lucky brand jeans as goal jeans and had to wear them today because everything else is trying to escape. I tried on size 12 pants at Ross tonight and they were huge... but it’s Ross. I will have to see what I weigh tomorrow and take new measurements. I tried to get dressed for a date with the kickboxing instructor on Sunday and was all excited about my outfit, but the boots I got out of storage I was so excited about were ridiculously huge in the calf and all my bras are flopping open. I had to wear yoga pants and sneakers... but he still said I looked good.

My score tonight at Ross was a green UnderArmor hoodie that will be perfect under my black down vest for dog walks. I have not yet found shirts or hoodies for winter in storage... it’s all golf, tennis and ski stuff so far and I’m too cold/hot. Winter in LA is weird weather. All about light thin layers and a windbreaker. Also in dire need of chinos or other non-jeans pants. Jeans everyday is too hot and they don’t dry... ever.

Have to say I really, really like the kickboxing instructor. He is super great company and a heck of a kisser. We went to the Japanese garden, frozen yogurt, a movie (wreck it ralph 2) and then got drive thru. He had to work at 11. I ordered hot wings, had 3 and a few of the fries and then sent him to work with the other half. Bringing it home would have created drama with my dad and I do not need 3 more hot wings or a bunch of fries. Fries are not our friends.

Tonight I came home to discover my dad bought a pumpkin pie at  the grocery store. I was sick to see also that there was about a quarter of it left. That means they each ate A LOT of sugar... and they are diabetic.


Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/28/2018:
Try not to let your mom's reaction get you down; you're doing great. One thing I've learned in my own weight-loss journey is that it's really a self-centered goal, not a comparison. Oh that doesn't mean I don't envy some of my relatives who are wonderfully thin & petite, but it's really about the progress I make with myself - inside and out.

I'm glad that you are having a nice time with Mr. Kickboxer. :)

And don't even get me started on food drama -- my husband has gone totally off plan for the holidays. And not just bad food, but HUGE portions. OK, I get eating bad foods, but why does it always have to be HUGE portions???

PS Did you like the movie? My son saw it - he loved it!

horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2018:
You must be soooo glad you now are fitting into the 12's!!!!!!!! right!?

even tho you had nothing to wear, at least it's on a brighter note bc you are losing weight!

too bad the stores don't sell no sugar added pumpkin pies. i MUST make that...and a pumpkin cheesecake.!!!!!!one day. i have a lot of desserts i want to make !

happy-1 on 11/28/2018:
They do. They just don’t taste as good.

happy-1 - Saturday Nov 24, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Today is one of those days where you just wait for another wave and see what the tide brings in. Got up early and took a yoga class at the new studio. Got some bad news that I am not ready to talk about yet. Just coping.

I should really turn everything off and go to bed, but I should get two things done to reduce the giant pile of paperwork that is between me and the rest of my life.  

One foot in front of the other. If I have learned nothing else the last 2 years it is that one sure way to make everything worse is to stop doing what I planned to do and react. 

Breathe. Yoga breathing. Deep breaths.


Right after I wrote this my dog let out the most awful fart. Guess she is really relaxing in the bedroom and all is right with her world... She always knows what to do to get me out of a mood. Rarely is it anything cute and cuddly... but she loves me.

Seeing the kickboxing instructor tomorrow. Afternoon in the Japanese Garden at CSULB.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/25/2018:
I hope that whatever your bad news is/was, that you can work through processing it. (((hugs)))

Have fun with Mr. Kickboxer today!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/25/2018:
I'm also sorry about the bad news...but i'm glad that a lot of good has gone on today (except for the fart!)

happy-1 - Friday Nov 23, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

I did it! I got the bed down in my old bedroom! It will take another session of lifting heavy things to sleep in there, but the bed is down and the door can be closed. Maybe I will do more tomorrow. I had to take 2 flexeril last night after I drove my parents to and from Thanksgiving with my dad’s friends... slept 9.5 hours and woke up too foggy to do anything or go anywhere. I told myself I’d just move 3 boxes... that’s all I had to do today... but I just kept going and next thing I knew I had it down.  

I think sorting out clutter to rid the house of excess consumerism and impulse purchases is a great way to spend black friday.


Mom’s response to me finally feeling well enough to do that project... Your bed can’t be there, it is on a terrible wall for feng shui. You will hear every noise. You will get every bad bathroom smell. I replied god forbid anyone should feel good about anything they have accomplished for even a minute. I have done all I can do today. This is as far as I could get.

My dad’s response was “so are you going to sleep in here now? I said no, it needs to be safer for an earthquake. I’d get hurt or trapped, but I can work on it more tomorrow but right now I need to rest my neck. He started fussing. Your neck, your neck... I’m tired of hearing about your neck!

Whatever happened to good job?



Stumped for a good date idea for sunday. My turn to plan something. I’d like to do outdoors in the sunshine someplace relaxing but it’s high winds and he doesn’t have a windbreaker or wind blocking pants. 


8:30am - lara bar, 2 dark chocolate squares 

12pm - skipped

1:30pm - a whole frozen thin crust pepperoni pizza, mostly because I was starving after 5h of moving stuff around and this was about 850 calories. It’s not very big.

3pm - another luna bar, despite the fact that I meal prepped yesterday and have chicken kale salads waiting???? Just too worn out to eat. Shower only sort of helped

5:20pm - Small chicken pho at the good pho place. Out of dog food and had to run out to buy more to make up. Realized that I was too in need of a break to be out... stopped off for some dinner. It feels good and human to be out again.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/24/2018:
Well, i'll say to you, GOOD JOB! nicely done getting your bed down to your bedroom! not an easy task!

pizza sounds good, i'm craving microwavable / frozen comfort food today too!!!! and i might just have some stuff (i do!) in my fridge for lunch! i even have pizza :)

yeah, i see you ate the luna bar instead of the salad - sometimes a salad is for when you aren't starving and tired...the luna bar is a good pick-me-up when you are down / tired / don't wanna digest and chew a lot of volume :)

happy-1 on 11/25/2018:
Hugs. Sometimes we need a little comfort food to get through the day... and the night.

Donkey on 11/24/2018:
I'll say it too: GOOD JOB! In fact, GREAT JOB!

It's good to get out of the house and be amongst humanity. I think that's why I set up these little errands for myself on the weekend, to get out and be with other people, even if I'm not necessarily interacting with them directly.

Have you thought about cannabis oil for your pain? (without the THC) Our associate attorney rubs some on his knee in the morning to be able to function. His secretary (one of the nicer co-workers) uses it for her dogs chronic pain. I think we're at the point of considering this for my husband's pain...

happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 21, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tried to break through my inertia today. Not a lot of luck but tomorrow is a new day. Mostly ate on track. Bought a 1 month unlimited pass for yoga at a studio closer to me I can walk to if my neck hurts too much. They open again on Saturday. 


Can’t wait to see kickboxing instructor again on Sunday. He works this saturday.


5am up walked dog to park. 

6am coffee, protein shake 

9am - eggs/ham/peppers/spinach/sweet potato 

1pm out - salmon salad, falafel 

6pm spaghetti lean cuisine, 1/3 a frozen pizza

9pm blueberries, 2 spoons of yogurt, 2 tbsp granola 

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/22/2018:
Happy Thanksgiving, Happy!

I really wish I could fit yoga into my life. Why is this so hard for me to do?

Kickboxing Guy - is this the smoker? I forget. I'm so bad :(

happy-1 on 11/22/2018:
Yeah. It’s a tradeoff and changeable... It’s been a long time since I’ve had even easy good friends to spend time with on the regular and he’s just such good company it’s not worth bailing over.

I can’t seem to do yoga at home... only if I go to a studio... but it’s changed my life and vinyasa burns a ton of calories.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/23/2018:
healthy eats, happy...sounds you are def on the road to being very much back on track...i see you are hanging out with this fitness instructor !? ;)

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