Weigh: 230.6. Glad to see that all the junk I am eating due to pain, stress, and pms isn't going nuclear on my weight. It gives me hope. Fitbit says I got about 5h of sleep last night. More than I have had in days. I woke up almost pain free this morning. The antibiotics are starting to help and it almost feels like I have a real tooth again. My tummy is a bit of a mess. I don't know if it is the antibiotics or the teething gel but I just feel sick and acidic. Glad I stuck probiotics in my supplement packs this month.
Today is more putting my life in order tasks. I am staying put a but on purpose, a bit because of cash flow, but trying to see it as an opportunity to tackle tasks I haven't wanted to do. I am working the living room, dining room and kitchen like a grid for chaos and clutter... then throwing sheets over each "done" section I can't do anything else about right now and writing down distractions as they come to me so I don't get sidetracked.
I will conquer. I will overcome.
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Skip this part if you don't want to read a bummer story.
Had a rough time doing my selfless act today. I did the thing I really, really, really hate doing which is taking my dad grocery shopping. It means everything to him because he can't drive anymore Normally I hate it because we fight the whole way but it flipped on me. I was in way over my head. We started out ok but in the second stop he had a low blood sugar episode in the checkout line so I grabbed some m and ms, paid for his groceries, and while I was paying he just started hitting me with the cart and wedged me against the wall and rammed the cart through till he was free. Apparently he had to go to the bathroom and even with the m and m's he was crashing so hard it was like he was drunk. I had seen it before in private but this was my first time in public... and it was both scary and humiliating. I was really scattered, but I got him to subway for a sandwich. He was being really difficult and it took 3 hours to get him four blocks home. I compounded it by having a small meltdown on my mom when she said that she wasn't having any of the homemade turkey meatballs and marinara sauce I had set up in the slow cooker for dinner because she had eaten a bunch last night... a) they were raw, b)I had made dinner last night and she had already had 3 servings of chicken... and she is supposed to be on a low protein diet to protect her kidneys... but all I coul come up with at that moment was they were in the box in the fridge that she's not supposed to dip into because i am really up against it and managing my food/ med budget really tightly and if I don't watch the food I have to go back on more meds but the food is a little pricey and not easy to replace at the same price eating out ($1.25 a meal vs $10+ for a paleo meal in a restaurant). She got madder at me and because I was starving, in pain, and worn out it escalated.
The meatballs, no sugar homemade sauce, ricotta, spinach, edamame pasta, and squash were amazing. A little bummed that i had to put it up into single servings and then everyone just ate as they were ready, on their own.
End of bummer story.
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Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
Ups and downs...
Downs... because when I called my dentist to ask for a refill on the codeine he tried to get me to move my root canal up. I was like... I need the time to get the money together. I haven't worked in a year and I have to move things around to pay for it. Plus they are charging more than the Delta pre-negotiated price... They want $1578 and the Delta price is $1399... and according to Delta their out of pocket is higher than other endodontists in the area so if I need to go back, it's going to be a lot more than the 50% coverage. He was like well you don't have to pay cash, you can put it on a credit card... I replied that regardless, I have to move things around to be able to pay for it, I haven't worked in a year, and I am really up against it. He said but you can put it on a credit card. I said I haven't worked in a year... It doesn't work that way for me right now. Humiliating to say. Just humiliating.
Ups... because I got a call back on my resume today from an ecommerce consultancy. It's a job that requires 50% travel, but that would be ok because it would mean that I could get out of LA and the LA basin and live somewhere green with good camping like the northern parts of Texas. Maybe they will call again. That would be nice.
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Working on the meal plan for UDG. It's good to do this expecting someone else to use it. Forces me to be clearer in presentation and it makes it a better basis for the meal planning app I want to build.
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Dudes on OKC be seriously whiney. I need to go back to FarmersOnly. He has a rent controlled apartment in Santa Monica and he doesn't know if he can bear to stay there after his dog dies... Plus I think he was trying to make me feel sorry for him so I'd have phone sex with him. NOT HOT.
AUGH.
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I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FIXED MY DRIIVERSIDE CAR MIRROR MYSELF!!!!! BEHOLD THE POWER!!!!
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
The codeine super knocked me out... Slept till 12. It is $1578 for a root canal and $1072 for a crown. $500 for a partial temp root canal... I don't even know if a temp is possible till Monday. I worry about anything "temp". What if there is an earthquake? Dental benefits don't start till July 1 for treatments... So I have to pay the whole amount for whatever I get done.
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I forgot to say that Saturday I got the valentine from my ex. It was postmarked March 7... but it doesn't really matter when it was sent. That horrible little hole in my side is filled in and gone... Whenever the random thought "and he couldn't even send me a Valentine card" would run through my brain I would start crying. And now it isn't there anymore and I feel a lot better. I am seriously glad that I feel etter because if I had given him a ton of crap over it and then not felt better, I would feel like a jerk. I haven't heard from him since Sunday I think. I dunno if I will hear from him much in the coming months. I don't think he wants me as his actual girlfriend. I am just glad we are still talking a bit. It doesn't feel good to have things severed with someone who has been so important to you. I know I need to make more friends so that one person doesn't impact me so much, but that takes time.
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Reading through the DA literature. Some of it sounds like me, some of it I don't know what they are talking about, and some of it... I hope that doesn't become me. Not terribly sure what to do with all of it. I guess that's the point of going to the meetings... You work through it and the other people there tell you what the content means and help you relate to it. There are 4 books... but when I looked on Amazon they are $40 each! I will wait and see if there are free pdfs available.
Parts that jump out at me is that I might have to turn around someday and be a sponsor. I can't even begin to imagine being that knowledgeable that I could help someone else with this. Also the people I have met are also in another group like AA/NA... Or they talk about buying shoes that are more than $200 and designer labels and that they could spend $20 at the deli just on their lunch. I don't know how to relate to people that do that.
A lot of it talks about self care and not taking proper care of your health or deferring medical and dental things... I think I have picked that up from my parents. It may also be how I gained so much weight... I didn't feel like I was one of those people that could afford to spend money on things that make you fit and healthy.
I went to an OA meeting with my mom once. It was super weird and uncomfortable. I wonder how it differs from DA?
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Heard from Molly today. She deals with the worst scum of humanity for work and needs something to fill her soul back in. We both want to do gardening so we will check out a plant sale by her on Friday. Exciting! Also we can use her jacuzzi. I hope that the antibiotics take effect and I will be able to drive to go! I can only stay till 5 or so.
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EDD accomplished. Such a tiny task but I have such a hard time with it.
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Bedtime meditation habit.
3 things I am grateful for today. My parents, for doing their best for me and each other, even if they don't know the path to health and happiness and cannot be a team themselves they always try to put themselves aside for me. Molly, for coming back into my life even just a little. She alwas tries to be there for me. UDG for calling me and giving me a boost to get active and start attacking the indomitable pile of crap that is my life. My dog for forgiving me for grabbing her wong last night when I was groggy. She loves me her doggy best.
Obstacles... PAIN. I am one pill away from a diy job with a plier. Can't workout. Money... Not financially oranized and paying the price. Fat... I just feel like I am wearing a big sweaty rubber suit all the time that won't let me bend and makes everything harder. Sleep... off my schedule because everything hurts.
Take pride in actively improving your fitness. I went for a dog walk this afternoon when I felt hopeless. I deliberately looked for a cheery outfit to do it in... a pink shirt, jeans, and some uggs. It really helped boost my mood. I did not eat anything off plan today and kept it to a single serving at dinner. UDG and I are going to work on meal planning and meal prepping together remotely by phone. Worth a shot.
Visualize how you will work heroically tomorrow. I will do projects that are essential to organization...
CAR - Fix the driver's side mirror, pop the center console and dig out the bulb that's out
KITCHEN - Fix the screen door
PATIO - Set up pots to receive the plants I will buy on Friday. Load car with basins and trolley.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
Also my dentist always prescribed hydrocodone for pain. It just didn't work for me, so I reverted to ibuprofen and it worked much better. Also, Many times without insurance you can ask for a discount anywhere from 10-20%--good luck!
I soo hope you get some relief!
Always remember that you're worth all the effort!
Many yay's within your day of pain... Glad to hear news about Molly! You got your card! (ok, that was Saturday, but still...) Good for you in being pro-active with Debtors Anonymous! I think you're doing fantastic!
Aaaaah. I have magically been transformed back into a human via antibiotics and tylenol with codeine. Although there is no real mental focus or attention span. It's like I might as well not have even taken my adderall. Also I forgot to put on pants when I went to walk my dog. I don't think the neighbors saw but I decided maybe no dog walk tonight. My dog is not happy.
Sucked it up and asked my mom to get my meds for me at CVS because there was no way I was going to pull off driving or a Lyft. I was just in so much pain. She wouldn't even take the $13 for them she paid... she says I spend too much on groceries. I felt bad until I realized she said that because she atemost of my meal preps for the week. Normally this wouldmakeme crazy but there was a lot of raw broccoli I couldn't have chewed. Sigh.
Didn't pull off edd stuff today. My brain is fried.
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Bedtime meditation habit.
I am grateful for my parents who went and picked up my meds, for my adhd meds that help me pay my premiums on time and for my dog who is not giving me a hard time. And for Kathy who offeered to bring me soup.
Obstacles. Dental pain, pain killers. Ow!
Heroic work tomorrow: edd stuff. Bar is low
Selfless act: I vacuumed my dad's room and cleaned his bathroom. Nobody asked me to and it wasn't on my schedule so it was selfless.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
Teeth are absolutely killing me. Dentist says if it is a steady throbbing pain for 24h I need to go straight to an endodontist for an emergency root canal. He called in a pain killer for me but I couldn't last to pick it up and went straight to my bottle of dark rum that I reserve for making rum raisin bread pudding. My world consists of a hot water bottle, mybed, my dog and hatred for my neighbor and his new drum set. I will eat him first in the zombie apocalypse.
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AAAAAW, my dog is my dedicated hot water bottle and refused to leave me to get her dinner. I had to dislodge her and shuffle her into the kitchen so she would eat.
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As far as things accomplished... I scrubbed the tub and printed out my habit tracker. I set up my oatmeal to make up tubs tomorrow when I have slept and feel better.
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Pete says he likes my first pass at his home page. Yay!
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Bedtime meditation...
3 things I am grateful for: Dentists who return phone calls on sundays to give you a referral and call in meds for you to pick up, that I saved some norco from my wisdom teeth, my mom for getting my dog to eat. That I don't have to go to work tomorrow and can just call the endodontist and not slug out a work day when my head is going to explode. That I had some rum. I do keep Vodka of the Gods in my car for emergencies but... GAG.
Obstacles: PAIN. HORRIBLE PAIN.
Heroics for tomorrow: Call endodontist, certify for edd benefits. The bar is low.
Selfless act: None. I was a slug today.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
i know how annoying it is to function with a lot of pain 24/7, not fun at all. fix it before it causes other problems!
Rum, whiskey, vodka -- I don't drink, but keep these around for medicinal reasons ;-)
Quiet rainy day. Massively overslept and woke up about 11 after going out to a rollerskating thing with the church group. All plans cancelled due to rain so I am taking the opportunity to just chill at home and reset today. Detox and destress. so far today I have tidied up, run a few errands. Now I will make dinner and work on paperwork while watching Hulu. I'm going to focus on refining my habit builder routine and pushing through my routine /trackers starting Monday. Get to bed by 9pm.
Grrrr. Get after it.
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Splurged on a pair of flat sandals to go with dresses since my black sandals are on their last gasp. Had to make the minimum for free shpping so I also ordered a pair of crocs for use as camp shoes because my current crocs are mayjanes and don't protect the bridge of your foot and are also too small. I feel weird buying these when unemployed, but I also feel like I am falling apart.
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Bestime meditation
Gratitudes - 1) that i am whole, home and healthy and could put dinner on the table for my parents tonight. 2) that Krystal got back in touch, hung out last night, and is down to do a wine thing next week, 3) that the roof over my head is sound this rainy night, 4) that my nightmares last night that I became an un person and disappeared unrecognized by fam and friends wasn't real and I can change it
Obstacles: tooth pain and headaches - emailed dentist, mom giving me a really hard time - left the house today and will stay out tomorrow, exhaustion- probably dental, but will keep an eye on it
heroic battle tomorrow: get up early, weigh in, hit 99 cent store for bottled water.get to church, see if they do brunch, get coffee otherwise and work on stuff. No way it doesn't rain tomorrow too.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
I hope you were able to get up this morning in a timely manner. It was really hard for me. Stupid turning the clocks back...
But I had already bought canvas shoes with no laces that I have wanted for years and a tank top and a pair of shorts... So in total it is a big splurge when not working... But also need some smaller pants... Just feel like it is snowballing.
i'm happy to go to bed early...clocks...
and i'm happpy to have woken up "late" bc of the clocks...i figure i can eat more in less hours ;)
Apparently i was super tired... slept 9.5 hours according to Fitbit. Teeth still hurt.neck
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
231.2
Bedtime meditation habit.
3 things I am grateful for. My edd caseworker who really worked to help me figure out what I need to do. Sometimes government workers really work hard. That my parents are there and afterwards I could just crawl home to take a nap for the rest of the day. That my dad is feeling better. He woke up sick this morning.
Take pride in the things you did to improve your fitness today. I did not do much. I did do two meals on track but felt weird all day so not much else happened. Haven't worked out this week at all.
Think about your obstacles and how to overcome them. I felt like crap today so I just went to bed early and drank a bunch of water. Tomorrow I will get up early and get out for breakfast. Obstacles are getting sucked into drama and not feeling well enough to work out. My body is a cranky toddler that wants a snack and a nap... all the time.
Think about how you will work heroically tomorrow. I will get up early and walk my dog. I will try my simply fit board. I will go to corner bakery and work all day and then go to the debtors anonymous meeting. I don't have a ton of debt but they are all about getting your life together. Maybe it should be ****s anonymous but aa is already taken.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
Still working to raise my current levels of cardio and still planning to improve all around!
Grateful today for this community and having a place to put my struggles.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
Doggie did her job this morning and woke me up at 5am but my whole body hurt so I went back to bed and woke up at 7:30.
I hadn't done the 10 minute tidy up before bed in a few days so I stayed home and did some tidying up while I waited for my advil to kick in and let me run about today. Mistake. I clearly remember thinking... It doesn't matter how much you hurt and that the house is a wreck. Just get up and get out. You need to do your edd papers to apply for funding but I stayed home instead and got pulled into parents morning drama. Now it is 12 pm and I need to reset.
Also frustrated because my tops are all too big for me and show my bra or feel uncomfortable... Like I am trying to do hard things and having a bunch of extra cloth shifting around doesn't make that any easier. I think I am like a size 14 now. I'll just take whatever doesn't fit and put it in a bag for now. It might mean I end up with like 2 outfits... But at least they will be outfits that fit. I might also need smaller underwer which will be a shopping trip for sure because underwear that slides around always pokes out and that never looks good. I probably also need a spare pair of black sandals.
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I have figured out what to do with all the boxes of frozen waffles my dad has been bringing home. Take out 2, toast and slather in margerine.. take 1 bite and give the rest to my dog. She's the only one in the house who is allowed to eat the simple carbs he buys.
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7 pm - Head pounding all day. Gotta get paperwork done tonight.
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Alarm set. Bedtime meditation.
3 things I am grateful for today. My dad because he asked what he could do to make my daybetter. My mom for coming out when I started to panic over paperwork and asked her just to come out and keep me company. UDG for calling me and making me laugh for a couple of hours. My dog for curling up next to me when I started crying because I texted my ex and he is being a butt.
Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!
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Hang in there!
bearcountrygg on 03/16/2018:
I'm sad for you that you are going through this......I took care of my parents for 7 years....and there were trials for sure...while D took care of himself....caring for elderly parents is so hard....D's Mom passed in her 60's but his Dad lived into his 80's and had dementia...( eating Styrofoam plates, etc)........it is 24 hours a day non stop and super stressful. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you....all I can say is that I have been there....and I had days on end where I had to move out and get an apartment and take care of my Mom because I just needed breaks from her.....( I will admit to crying day after day from frustration)....D was worried about me and I was worried about her....and I just needed a break...but being in her house 24 hours a day was depressing me to the point where I was losing it. I had to have some separation from her for at least a few hours a day. Is there any way you can get some help? Are you an only child too? It is a lot...and I know what you are going through...I've been there...but you have 2 to take care of and a life of your own to live at the same time. Have you looked into assistance from Medicare/Medicaid? You Dad is acting out and your mom is eating raw meat...this may be more than you can handle alone. You have to be able to let the stress out...I'm glad you are able to let off steam here....
Thanks... big hugs. It sounds like you really did your best for them.
I'm an only child and extended family is on the other side of the country. They are ceo's, doctors, and lawyers. Good people just not anyone I connect with and there's no relationship from growing up together. When my parents are gone it is just me.
They have always been like this though... it isn't senility it is depression. They just don't care. They have no friends in the area.
I am hoping DA helps me get my personal stuff together so that I can then make plans for my parents. Mask over your face first then the person sitting next to you.
And I did give leading my own life a shot. I just didn't get it to happen. I went on tons of dates and had friends and then it just didn't happen and the path to it fell apart and now I am here, stuck at my rebuilding point.
The problem with hoarders is that they can't prioritize relationships over things. Throwing away a stack of dirty napkins from McDonalds is a bigger offense than rape or murder. I compounded my problems by coming back and I am hoping DA can help.