Forgot to weigh in.

Day 2 of Molly "No Contact Shut Out". Breakups with a friend are worse than breakups with a boyfriend. I think it leaves a bigger hole. A husband would be worse. Here's what I don't get... We talked about it first, then I asked her for her shipping address and what color she wanted. There were like 4 opportunities ahead of time to say "Please don't" or "I wouldn't be into that". I kind of feel set up.

Job interview today that I still need to research for.

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Interview for gig went well. At least I liked the guy.

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B: Protein Cookie

S: Skipped

L: Breakfast egg bake (2 eggs, 2 sausages , cheese), 1 pancake muffin, butter

S: Skipped

D: Post-Interview need for comfort food. Burger lettuce wrap with cheese, carrot sticks and ranch dressing. Diet pepsi (a lot)

S: chicken and potato salad

S: paleo pancake muffin with butter

Can't sleep snacks: 2 oranges, 3 packets of trail mix, 1 package of ramen. Usually caffeine knocks me out. Must be anxiety.

Didn't get a chance toweigh in this morning. Overslept and pretty much rolled out of bed and into the car to go get stuff to fix the garbage disposal. Fitbit says I didn't get to sleep till 4am again. I worked on Pete's site till 1 because staying busy keeps me from thinking about the Molly thing. Once I was in bed it was pretty much all I could think about. So 4AM.

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Lots of sirens and it is such a hot day. Dog is making me crazy again even though I took her out 4x this week and walked her daily.

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Just so cranky today. I ate but I'm hungry, drank but I'm thirsty, slept but I'm tired, cleaned but the house is still dirty. Ugh! Need to get away for a few days. Clear my head. Need to turn my life around.

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Mom says she has decided to hate fat people. She is tired of being a slave to the almighty gut and cravings for fast food. Namely that she doesn't want to take my dad out for cheap fast food anymore.

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Had another go around with my dad about food. And how we can get along. Somehow me making dinner is bullying him with food.

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B: protein cookie

S: skipped

L: burger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, iced coffee

S: edamame protein pasta with cheese, blech. Doesn't freeze well.

S: skipped D: 3 pork chop pieces, apple sauce (a little old)

S: Pork shu mai from Trader Joe's

240.2

Really screwed up (expensively). The fitbit was the wrong Christmas gift for Molly. It got there really fast, and she opened it before I got there. I saw her face when she picked it up off the table... like I had given her a dead toad. No thanks, no excitement.

This morning I texted her to see if she had tried it yet and she hadn't so I said: "I know you resist this idea... that you don't think it can help, that your medical stuff is too severe, and this is just one more thing to deal with... and you've already gone through a ton of changes lately... and me sending you one feels like nagging when you already get tons of **** from your family about your weight ... you don't need it from me too. But I know you are a dynamic force to be reckoned with, and every time you have kicked my butt you have made my life better. And I am your friend and all I want is for you to feel better so that we can hang out more. If you wear it 24x7 and follow the prompts you will feel better. It tells you if you had effective sleep and gets you on a routine, plus it gets you to move on a schedule to boost circulation... just a small walk around the office to get a cup of coffee or water. So don't think of it as a burden, think of it as a great big hug from your good friend and let's find a fashion band on etsy so it looks like jewelry and you like it better."

She said "I’m going to give you back the FitBit. I don’t want it and I won’t use it. I understand you believe you’re coming from a good place - and I think you are - but to me all I’ve had my whole life is discussions about weight and I’m frankly tired of the discussions. I really am. I’m tired of the comments - helpful or not - I’m just tired. If it makes you feel great, awesome. I’m happy for you. I know you think it’d help me. That’s fine too. But I just don’t want it. As such I’d respectfully ask to just drop the topic with me. I don’t want to be tagged in posts and I don’t want health stuff bought for me. I tried to keep it light last night but I don’t think you get how getting that as a present made me feel. And that’s OK. Because I know you were genuinely coming from a good place. So I hope we can just leave this here and move on. OK?"

I said: "Ok. It gets confusing because you said multiple times that you wish you could feel better so you could workout and do all the things you used to do. So I thought if I could help you feel better that would help. Weight is irrelevant. But I'll drop it now. Just take it back to Bed Bath and Beyond and exchange it for something for the new place. Towels, pillows, throw rugs etc."

Pretty demoralized right now. She's kind of my last real friend. Everyone else has kind of disappeared in the last couple of years or I disappeared into depression on them. I always make this mistake. Everytime. People say they want to do something or change something and I try to help. That's what you so as a friend you just help... A referral, move a couch, whatever. Except each and every time I do it wrong. How do I keep getting older and never get any smarter?

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Spending Saturday night watching Netflix and working on Pete's site. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job on it.

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B: Coffee, coconut creamer, 1 paleo pancake muffin, 2 nitrite-free turkey sausages, butter, syrup, 1 small apple

S: greek yogurt, paleo granola, blueberries

L: Steel cut overnight oats

S: Skipped

D: 3 slices of pizza. Chocolate protein drink (Peace offering to parents)

S: 4 hotdogs with mustard, no buns

Dog had: vitamins, chicken jerky strips, chicken/sweet potato stew, 1 pizza crust, 3 hot dogs

Hurt my neck and flaked on a date with an ex. OW.

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B: greek yogurt, granola, blueberries

L: leftover pork, sweet potato

D: chicken noodle soup

S: 2 mini pizzas with extra cheese and pepperonis

S: 2 packs of trail mix with extra dark chocolate chips.

236.2. Still driving back down past lowest weight.

Woke up at 7! Yay! Had to set two alarms but good to be up and moving on time. Mostly massaged my ancient dog till my meds kicked in... she ignored me, even though I tickled all her spots, chewed on her, and gave her zerberts. Total passive resistance. She doesn't bother getting out of bed till noon.

Plan for the day is to make breakfast, pick up patio, go to Starbucks, finish the second page of Pete 's site, grab my pup and head up to workout, then go to costco on the way home.

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We are out of half and half... a crisis. How am I supposed to be a normal human today?

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Ugh. My hormone-induced emotional state threw my parents off and now they are in terrible moods.

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Sat out on the porch till I felt better then came in and made food and cleaned out the fridge. MADE THE MOST AMAZING SOUP... OMG. Sometimes I just really nail it. Not paleo but wanted to use up some dry ravioli pasta I had laying around. Maybe $5 for the giant pot. I can't stop eating it. It's actually a problem. I stop, then 30 min later I want more. 

Ingredients:

1 tube of pork breakfast sausage, browned in your pot and broken to crumbles.

Onion, celery, carrot, garlic, diced and sauteed in the pork fat with the crumbles.

Italian seasoning, black pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, turmeric

Chicken base, water. Bring it to a rolling boil.

1/2 a bag of dried ravioli pasta, boiled for 5-7 minutes. Check that it is on the raw side of al dente and the broth doesn't need more salt (breakfast sausage is already high sodium), then turn off the heat, let it sit for 5 min and it will continue to cook in the heat.

Pour in 1-2 cups of mashed potato flakes. Any thickening starch will do to bind the fat. It will still be a little fatty.

Add 1 giant bag of fresh spinach, then cover, let it wilt in the heat. This should absorb any remaining fat, or if it still feels fatty it won't be greasy. It will be delicious.

Give dog treats, because the onion means no sharing with your pup.

I swear this will BLOW YOUR MIND.

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Bootcamp workout tonight. Kind of tired and just want to go to the 99cent store and work on Pete's pages, but I should go anyway. I reupped for his fitness challenge even though I am starting late.

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B: 3 eggs, spinach, mozzarella, tomato sauce, 3 sausage links

S: 2 cheese sticks, sweet potato crackers

L: Clean out the fridge meal - Homemade falaffel with hummus and coleslaw salad (OMG. I'm a genius)

S: 2 bowls of sausage tortellini soup

S: 1 bowl of sausage tortellini soup, because I put it away when it cooled and 1 bowl was going to be so lonely.  (OMG. I'm a fat genius)

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Dog had: Gummi vitamins, chicken jerky, a forgotten package of deli turkey that was of questionable origin but she raised no objection to.

Information product campaign... a 30 day challenge for doing all the little crap that you need to do to deal with PMS.

Splashed across the homepage would be Sigorney Weaver vs. Predator. Possibly feeding it dark chocolate and coffee. With like some ribs to gnaw on.

Another workout last night in the bag. Dog is nowhere to be seen which is good because it means I get brain-time to myself instead of an underfoot "velcro dog". Might need to find a third dog-friendly park workout for saturdays. The weekend workouts for Pete's group aren't dog-friendly.

Weight: 238.something. Pete said last night I'm slimming down (ignore how weird it is that your ex boss checked out your ass and said it's getting skinnier... and remember that's what people pay him for now and he's on the before/after photo rampage now that I'm overhauling his site). That fitbit scale is getting tempting. It reports bodyfat. 

Took my first nibble at holiday stuff and knocked out BFF first. She's been weird lately and it's a fancy gift, but hey... She's got a bunch of autoimmune diseases and feels like **** all the time so I got her the same Fitbit Charge 2 I have. All the prompts and stuff have really helped me start moving again and if I could do anything, I'd do something to make her feel less ****ty all the time. So pricey gift it is. 

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Toughness Day 6: https://daremightythings.leadpages.co/10-days-task-6

For the next day, two if you like, carry a note pad around. The purpose of having this on hand and ready is to write down any instance where you succumb to weakness. What triggers the self-pity, the fear, the tendency you may have to look at what you can’t do about something rather than looking at what you can do? Write it down. Write down all of your complaints. The second part of this task is writing down what you think you can control but in reality can’t. Be careful with this. You can control your effort, where you end up in life, and the work you do. 

Today's list of weakness:

1. Slept in instead of getting up and moving.
2. Got bummed when I saw all the dishes in the sink. I did them all last night and there's more???
3. Slouched on the couch instead of getting dressed to go to do call.
4. Not tackling to do list. Just being lazy.
5. Gloomy because Christmas is coming and that means parents will have their mental health bender. Haven't figured out where to clear out to yet.
6. Blew chunks on the phone screen. Let my
7. Foulest mood ever for no other reason than I am hormonal and restless AF. I now know where the idea of exorcisms came from. I either need a boyfriend, an exorcism, or a brownie. Tinder and OKcupid have failed me. All that is available is a brownie.

B: Protein cookie, Coffee + half n half

S1: Skipped

L:  Paleo pizza bake

S2: Skipped

S3: Skipped

Dinner: porkchop, applesauce no other sides.

S4: Brownies. F the diet. Must feed evil PMS demon.

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My dog knows me and is hiding out in the bathroom. This is when I am most likely to engage in ear-cleaning, teeth brushing, and other intimate violations of her person. The evil PMS demon says "IF I CANNOT BE HAPPY YOU WILL BE CLEAN. grrr... snarl... hiss..."

Deep cleaned my travel pantry instead. Now I will wash the kitchen floor. IT WILL BE SO CLEAN!!!

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Say a prayer for my poor parents tonight who I force fed pork chops and brownies. It got  little weird.

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UDG texted. I warned him I am hormonal and he should run for his life, save the children. He offered me a wild night to help me tone it down. I told him it would probably turn out like the National Geographic special where the praying mantis tears off and eats her partner's head. He said "Promises, promises." 

Best laugh I have had all day.

Waiting for the bootcamp workout to start. My dog and I drove up early to get a haircut (me, not her). Then we got snacks at Costco (she did not like all the noise in the outdoor snack bar but wolfed down her hot dog anyway). Now we are sitting at the park while I respond to a bunch of recruiter phone calls (in December!!!!! Crazy.)

------ Best feeling today was letting go of my dog's leash while we all ran bases and she totally kept an eye on me and ran right by my side, maybe about 2 feet away. I'd hold my hand flat out and wait for her to turn and run around the bases and she'd just turn and run with me. It's just the most amazing feeling that this alien consciousness really is your friend and playing along with you, doing exactly what you want them to do. The other two guys decided to let their own dogs off leash but they flopped over and got confused. Ha ha my ancient dog rocks and your dogs suck.

Also Pete made the comment that I am tightening up. I guess I lost the saddle bags on either side of my ass... I guess that's what I get for wearing compression pants. At least the way he did it was totally creepy and funny.

There is definitely something about a haircut that lifts your mood. Like having fresh ends is a fresh start.

Product idea... PMSStormWatch: a period tracking app that tracks your mood around your cycle and predicts when you will be a ****ing nutbag so you can just plan to stay home and clean that weekend (not sign up for 12 mile hikes you flake on). Bonus: locks up credit cards, social media, email, phone and car keys until your mood forecast is better. Auto-sends you Netflix recommendations based on your cycle. Continuously provides coffee and dark chocolate.Massages your feet and tells you you are pretty.

Btw... in case you missed it, Facebook now analyzes your posts for mental health issues. They know if people are suicidal, but do they know if they are adhd? I bet they could tell by how many posts have complete... SQUIRREL!

Day 5 of the toughness challenge: humility "The tough man doesn’t let his pride and his anger stand in the way of the bigger picture. He can’t. He’s too focused and too driven to allow others to dictate his mood and his mental state. We have the habit of talking about ourselves. We all do it. We do it often to make a connection. And it makes sense, we’re the ones we know best and we’re often proud of what we’re doing. Toughness deems we remove our ego and pride and instead listen. Allow others to brag and boast and proclaim their best intentions. Listen. Actively listen. For the next 3 days, just listen. Don’t talk about yourself in any sense. Don’t let your pride lead you to make bad decisions. Live with humility. Understand that everyone has something they can teach you, even if that something is from paying attention to their mistakes. Swallow your pride. Consciously live with humility over the next 3 days, then make it a habit moving forward. "

It does irritate me that his daily challenges cover more than 1 day... but ok. This might be hard because I have a bunch of interviews... but ok. I actually need to go the other way though... I don't talk enough or open up to people and when I do I have too many questions.

2 eggs, olive oil, 2 slices ham, 2 paleo pancake muffins, bowl of costco chili. Queso and guac on sweet potato crackers, chicken breast, pepitas, southwest salad. Note... costco chilli is delicious but not enough carbs to power a workout. I will have to look into making my own sweet potato crackers.

Dog had: glucosamine treats, cookies, chicken jerky, costco hot dog, a chicken breast, cookies. Doggie dinner is bubbling away in the crockpot. It's boneless chicken thighs and sweet potatoes. I will add other stuff once it is cooked and shredded. Yum.

Starting over...  Again. Didn't go to a practice hike or the actual hike this weekend. Couldn't get to sleep on time and fitbit says I fell asleep fri, sat and sun night about 4 am each. Sure felt like it, just laying there staring at the blackness of my sleep mask and too out of it on sleep aids to actually get out of bed and do anything.

When you fall down, just crawl a little then stand, clean yourself up and try again. I had a good cry most of today, but then I got out of bed, took a shower, vacumed, made my bed, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom. Now I will dry my hair and take my dog for a walk and work on Pete's site a little.

Toughness challenge day 4: https://daremightythings.leadpages.co/10-days-task-4

"Join a boxing gym or a MMA gym or a kickboxing gym. Join some kind of gym that will get you punched in the face. Men are born to fight. It’s who we are and why we’re here. Testosterone makes us more aggressive than women, it also leads us to have stronger bones and bigger muscles, both things come in handy when we’re talking about fighting. Don’t move to the next day until you finish this task."

I've actually done this before and have my beloved boxing gloves somewhere in storage. It did get me punched in the face a couple of times. I don't know that it made me any tougher. Mostly it just made it really awkward to talk to the ladies who actually punched me. They were super embarrassed. Must be a guy thing.

I did like this quote in the email though... "Toughness is essentially a fight against mediocrity. It's being able to withstand what your grand goals will throw your way instead of settling for the easy lives on autopilot that so many blindly ease into."

Chipped a front tooth today accidentally biting a fork. Ugh. I just got stressed when my dad came into the kitchen and started going after dinner before it was ready. Rough, hurts and bleeding. Great for job interviews. 19 days till health insurance kicks in.

Going to go back to logging what I eat, at least today. Maybe tomorrow. Missed most meals, but I ate a lot yesterday so maybe I'm just not very hungry today. I'll probably eat too much tonight too lat and maybe that's what kept me up. Eating too late wathing Netflix with my mom.

Eaten today:

1. Lenny and Larry's protein cookie
2. 4 oranges
3. 2 pork chops, apple sauce 1/2 a sweet potato, spinach, butter
4. 2 packets trail mix, 4 hot dogs
5. 5 cheese sticks (don't judge)
6. Sweet potato crackers
7. Big glass of stevia punch, another protein cookie, packet of chicken ramen

Fed to dog: 2 hot dogs, 2 pork chops, 1/2 a can of chicken dog food, milk bones, jerky treats, water

Back up to 240.6 today. Ugh.

Was up late last night working on Pete's new homepage. Got too into it stayed up too late and then I overslept and missed my opportunity to do a practice hike. I am trying to do too much and I need to drop the class. Anxiety is kicking my butt.