Coffee/ half and half, oatmeal,
Broccoli and quiche
2 chicken legs, 2 wings, part of a thigh
Freebirds carnitas burrito bowl with all the fixings
1/3 of a brownie
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Got woken up at 2am. I was cuddled with my dog but couldn't get back to sleep. I had some chicken ramen, she had some buiscuts. Love her. She's my valentine.
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Black Panther was a great movie!!! I had a lot of fun with her and her son.
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Huge storm headed this way. Have to stick close to home tonight. No sierra club conditioning hike for me. Might not even make it to the grocer... palm trees are all at a 45 angle already and it hasn't hit yet.
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I made ice cube portions of grated ginger, chia, and flax to put in my oatmeal. Swapped margerine for coconut oil, omg!!!! So much more like a really good hot cookie! And so much more fiber and stuff that's good for you.
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Made burger dinner for family. Chanced the gale by running out between storms to get my dad some rolls, but screwed up that attempt at making him feel good by getting confused when he said "what good are rolls without something to put on them?" and right now he has ham and a bunch of deli meats I bought... So I said "I could give them to my dog, but I thought you wanted them because I was making burgers and you wouldn't eat burgers without buns..." and he got mad because I said I could give them to my dog. I dunno why that's an issue. She's the only one in the house who is supposed to be eating simple carbs. Plus he is mad at me because I went out without taking him.., I didn't want him in the car if the storm hit before I made it back but he couldn't process that. They are really high winds and even the slightest thing hurts him.
UGH
Then I screwed up after dinner by trying to clean up while he and my mom were still at the table. I was cleaning up, nobody was helping, so I tried to move his arm to wipe the table and he got mad.
UGH
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2:30am - chicken ramen, smart balance, simple carbs... bad for me.
9:30 am - power oatmeal, half and half, coffee
1pm - cliff bar
4pm - mp burrito bowl, sweet potato crackers
7:45pm - turkey burger, fried egg, 1/2 a cheese stick, veggies, coleslaw, sweet potato fries and a little ranch dressing. No bun for me!
9:30 pm - strawberry protein shake I split 4 ways. Froze one to see if it turns into ice cream.
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Working on my habit tracker today :-) I will achieve real change through the power of habit.
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Geez... If I do all the habits I want to build... there's over 50 of them.
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Got in a solid 30 min on the patio. 30 min a day to get a garden going.
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Looking forward to the movies tomorrow with one of the ladies from the church I checked out today.
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Up: 8:30am, hard time getting to sleep last night.
S: 8:30 B: Power oatmeal, coffee+half and half
B: 12:30 PM S: Broccoli, crustless quiche
L: leftover burrito bowl, 2tbsp avocado S: leftover edamame pasta, veg, and pasta
D: deli ham and turkey, uncured. Homemade coleslaw.
S: trail mix
S: string cheese and flax crackers
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Ate all on-plan today, if at odd hours.
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Up late in a hormonal pity party. Slept in till 10. Missed getting up to help with food bank yard sale, but also didn't promise to show. Still feeling like I have a UTI and probably need new inhaler prescription so a doctor visit is in my future.
1:45 and regrouping. I think my target for the day is to make up the ham that is loitering in the fridge, fixing the kitchen screen door and a patio cleaning. It literally took all day yesterday and two trips to Home Depot to fix two faucets.
Since it was nice and I don't want to forget it, Mom bought me a an auto-refill water bowl for my dog, and a bunch of chicken wings for a belated Valentine's day.
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3:45.... have achieved initial cleanup and deodorizing of patio. Discovered drill isn't charged though... so I will have to finish tomorrow. Next step tomorrow is to hang the door grill and seal up the screen, see what I can find in the way of flower pots to start transitioning the patio from abandoned to hanitable. I figure I will start with nasturtiums in recycled food containers. Those things grow anywhere
Ham is on... 3 hours to heat up!!!!
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10am - oatmeal, coffee, extra cal from maple syrup and mocha coffee mix
2pm - turkey in tomato sauce and veggies, mozzarella
4pm - 2 oreos. Dad stole bag. I have to watch him more carefully.
7pm - sweet potato fries. Some more veg and turkey in tomato sauce. Not as good as I thought it would be... next time I will freeze
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Caught up on 3 bad nights of sleep. Might have been sleep deprivation, not pms. Lots of plumbing work to do today.
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Talked to my ex and shared how I was feeling about getting ignored for Valentine's day... It really didn't hit till today because I've been checking the mailbox all week for the card he said he sent and it wasn't there so I don't think it was ever there at all. I knew he was likely to not do anything for it and I knew that would make me sad so when we were planning to see each other I asked him to send me a card for Valentine's day and gave him my address and he said he would... and he's that kind of organized and he works in a drug store... he was literally surrounded by them for two weeks prior. When he called tonight I had a really hard time getting through to him why I was upset... I said no woman likes getting ignored for Valentine's day, that not sending the card made me feel like all I am is a **** budy... and that's not sexy. He took exception to the term "**** buddy", and said he was insulted. I said if it hurts you to hear it, then how do you think it feels to get that as the message... because that's what you are if you just spent a weekend with your guy and then just get a text on Valentine's day. He said, well I just didn't think we were there yet... i said I know we are just getting started that's why all I asked for is a card. I said if we aren't in a place where you feel any effort into sending a card on Valentine's day is warranted, then I never should have gone down there and I made a terrible mistake. I thought you really did miss me and were really into me. I feel dumb. Horribly, horribly dumb. And not sexy. Not one little bit. Then he said this really isn't a good time to talk and we hung up.
I really am dying to block his number. Just never ever hear from him again. But being desperate not to feel pain is just as bad as hanging onto someone and pretending everything is fine. Or jumping right back onto online dating when some dude is still sending you texts because he thinks he's planning to come see you and all you want to see is Jaws come eat him in one bite. Settled for deleting all his calls, texts, and voicemail, and phone contact. This way I can't impulsively text anything... only reply if he texts me. He's got his kids this weekend and I don't want to intrude.
I hate, hate, hate that I care this much about Valentine's Day. It's a stupid manufactured holiday. It really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I'm 40 and still working on getting even a bunch of flowers from a guy... let alone a Valentine's Day card. I just don't know what the magic combo is that unlocks that kind of attention.
I really miss UDG. He brought me a tactical tailor trauma medical pouch and dark chocolate once. Talk about someone who really gets you. Wish we were both healthier so a physical relationship was possible.
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Up: 9:40
S: Oatmeal ... after that no idea what I hate today. It was. a lot, most of it not healthy. My feelings, coated in lard, salt and sugar.
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
As far as material things go, all I asked for was a card. It wasn't the card, it was that it was effort and a demonstration that he was listening and heard me and didn't want me to feel bad on Valentine's Day.
I don't know how to feel better if I tell a guy that something is important to me, why it is important to me and that it is really necessary.
Everyone has their something they really need. For you it might be that D is home every night. For me, it is that if I tell someone something is important to me, they make it happen. I also need to be acknowledged on holidays because I get so down on them I can hardly stand up when I'm not.
As far as material things go, all I asked for was a card. It wasn't the card, it was that it was effort and a demonstration that he was listening and heard me and didn't want me to feel bad on Valentine's Day.
I don't know how to feel better if I tell a guy that something is important to me, why it is important to me and that it is really necessary.
Everyone has their something they really need. For you it might be that D is home every night. For me, it is that if I tell someone something is important to me, they make it happen. I also need to be acknowledged on holidays because I get so down on them I can hardly stand up when I'm not.
Super PMS, but overall doing better off the Adderall. Having some "pms irritability" but not the two weeks of crankypants behavior.
Friction with my mom last night because she wrote a nasty note across my to do list that I forgot in the bathroom, and then didn't like that I said that I felt it was mean and hurtful.
Friction with my dad because I woke up when I heard a crash in his room, checked on him but then didn't want to stay up talking to him because I was desperately tired... But he wouldn't let me go back to bed so it turned into a fight.
More friction with my dad today because I gave him and my mom valentine's day cards, and he never does anything for anyone on any holiday so he interrupted me hile I was working to explain how he doesn't follow certain societal norms around gift giving occasions and I didn't want to hear it. It's basically "I didn't give you anything for holiday ____ and this is why you shouldn't see it as mistreatment or be mad at me. Now I'm going to ask you to do me a favor _____." Normally I ignore it, but today my anger showed.
Argh.
But overall, not as bad as last month. Trying to calm the raging beast inside.
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It occurs to me that part of my anger is that my ex didn't do anything for me for Valentine's Day, just sent a text. Some women know how to get guys to do stuff for them, but I don't. Or not him at least. I do not feel that a "Happy Valentine's Day" text is sufficient for a woman you just spent the weekend with and have been after for a year for another shot.
I did know I would feel this way ahead of time and set it up twice that he should send me a card and my address. But it didn't happen. I did feel that a $1.50 was in his budget.
I really, really, really just want to block him on my phone. Move on. Start over. But it feels a little "This toy is broken. I need a new one." and people aren't disposable.
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Let my BetterHelp account go on hold. I've got too much stress on my cashflow right now and it is something that isn't strictly necessary. Plus I am not sure if it really helps anymore. Just one more thing I need to do every day that is more than I can get done. Could really use it today though. Like if I go on OkCupid again after not getting a Valentine's card, is that cheating? I don't really feel like sitting around for him to figure out his ****up and make it right.
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Quote of the day is from a personal trainer on Meetup who said when asked why the workouts are free "The best contribution is good energy and friends :)"
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B: Coffee, half and half, oatmeal
S: Skipped
L: Skipped
S: Put a pizza from Trader Joe's on. Eating my feelings.
S: 4 oreos and some milk. Tasted weird so i trashed it
S:
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Happy Valentine's Day! Got a happy Valentine's text from my ex. That was nice. I sent him a card that has two chihuahuas sharing snacks. Just mailed it Monday but it might take a couple of days. I celebrated on my own by getting a bang trim and lunch at my fav burrito place.
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Woke up late... 9 am. Dad nuked tinfoil at 3am. Took me a long time to get back to sleep so I must have just kept hitting snooze.
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Freebirds is delicious but I get very little done here. And it is a huge amount of calories... Decent afternoon alternative to starbucks for sure... but maybe not such a good idea.
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Ooops... Not sure how I lost 1.2 lbs... in spite of myself apparently. I used MyFitness Pal to setup some recipes for the week... and came up with over 4000 calories for one day! Obviuosly not doing this tomorrow... but oops!!!!
| MP: Power Oatmeal, 1 serving(s) | 689 | 100 | 23 | 27 | 364 | 18 | |
| MP: Coffee and Half and Half, 1 serving(s) | 81 | 3 | 7 | 2 | 30 | 0 | |
| MP: Kellogg's Quiche, Broccoli, Sweet Potato + Smart Balance + Drink Mix, 1 serving(s) | 593 | 72 | 19 | 37 | 458 | 12 | |
| MP: Deli Lettuce Wrap + Veg + Dressing + Cheese Stick + Sweet Potato Crackers, 1 serving(s) | 722 | 17 | 48 | 53 | 3,249 | 8 | |
| MP: Hummus, Veggies, Crackers, Cheese, 1 serving(s) | 462 | 40 | 28 | 16 | 562 | 11 | |
| MP: Yogurt, berries, paleo granola, 1 serving(s) | 1,208 | 88 | 87 | 28 | 488 | 57 | |
| MP: 2 Roasted Chicken Thighs + Veg + Smart Balance, 1 serving(s) | 541 | 15 | 38 | 43 | 315 | 4 | |
| 4,296 | 335 | 250 | 206 | 5,466 | 110 |
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9am S: oatmeal and coffee, double serving on accident. Extra calories from half n half and maple syrup. Think there's something wrong with the cinnamon I used.
B: skipped
L: also skipped. Was dyeing my hair and was kind of full.
1:30pm - s: carne asada burrito bowl at freebirds, all the fixings.
4pm - extra snack... freebirds brownie
D: omg... post track workout I devoured a double bacon cheeseburger in a lettuce wrap from five guys
S:5 chicken wings and a mini pizza because **** it... i ran till i peed myself and then had to keep running. I deserve pizza.
Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Judgement or increased willingness to take risks before there are no more to take?
glad you had a nice Valentines - me too - i spent it happy at the gym!
Up: 7:50 Vyvanse took 2h to kick in... augh. Brain felt like a slug despite extra coffee. Slept really well though. It was nice to fall asleep to rain. We get so little here. It rarely rains, but when it does, its whenI left a half done project out that shouldn't have gotten wet.
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Omg... I made the best burrito bowls. The mexican coleslaw was what put it over the top... shredded carrots, red peppers, red onions, jalapeño, red cabbage, and jicama. Lime juice, garlic, honey, olive oil dressing. Omg!!!! How have I never thought to do that before ????
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Note to self: Making lunch instead of dinner kills all productivity for today. Only other thing accomplished today was purchase of a pair of slip on canvas shoes, grey shorts, and a pink tank top for summer. Last year I waited too long to buy summer stuff an the only stuff available in my size was hideous or poor quality. I don't need much but I'd like what I buy to look good.
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Did not make it to bootcamp. Teeth in back on left side hurt like the dickens all of a sudden. Glad I paid dental insurance but it doesn't kick in till July. Augh.
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8am S: coffee and half and half, oatmeal
B: skipped
S: skipped
12pm L: turkey burrito bowl with a lot of veggies.
2pm S: round 2 of burrito bowl, since I skipped 2 meals and have bootcamp tonight.
D: trader joes pizza and 5 pumpkin oreos because painkillers. Ow Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Ex found the spare key in the cup holder of his car. So I didn't lose it after all. Feel kind of bad that I went home last night instead of staying till this morning but I missed my dog and I was eating a lot of delicious simple carbs. Back on track today though.
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Up: 8am - a lot of neck pain so I stuck around the house longer than I should have cleaning and doing laundry . Got sucked into taking my dad out. Bought him lunch because he agreed to go to diner instead of mcdonalds. Then we went to the 99cent store where I lost him, freaked, then found him out by my car.
2:25pm... laying down for an hour to calm down. My heart is just pounding in my chest.
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Got a recruiter call for a job that was way over my head, but a good company. B of A. It required someone who was good at Blueprint process orchestration and getting everyone in the company to agree on stuff... That's usually what my boss does... But they only wanted to pay in my range, lol.
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Didn't realize till I posted my dinnertime snack that I forgot to log my weight today! I lost 1.2 lbs hanging out with my ex this weekend despite all the junk food I consumed Sat night and Sun lunch.
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S: oatmeal, coffee, half and half
B: kellog crustless quiche, broccoli
S: 2 cheese sticks and some crackers, I think. A little fuzzy on what I ate today
L: cheese burger in a lettuce wrap. Split an order of sweet potato fries with my dad. Ranch dressing side.
S: A whole bag of Popped sweet potato chips. So freaking addictive. Ate out of frustration when I got home when my dad interrupted my nap because he was so excited about our lunchtime conversation.
D: two servings of turkey meat sauce and spaghetti. I dunno if I was hungry or frustrated.
S: a valentine's cake pop at starbucks, posting homework and burning off aggravation with mom.
Ms: 10:30 pm- top ramen because it's raining and I am starving Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!
Kind of off diet track Fri - Sun. Went down to SD to see ex and had a very nice time. Stuck around an extra day and got my brain back together. Am currently in his comfy chair tackling scary tasks and applying for jobs... Something that I've been kind of spacing out on.
He was even very nice when I lost his house key. Sigh.
It's just so good to get hugs and hang with a friend to relax.
Progress as of today: 74.6 lbs lost so far, only 53.4 lbs to go!
took me thru lots of eating just to do laundry...glad it's all done, though...
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Rat ...or Mouse? It would take a pretty big hole for a rat to come in. Mice can get into a hole the size of a nickel. They carry the hanta virus...Trap time.
Yeah she doesn't believe me and won't let me in her room.
bearcountrygg on 02/20/2018:
I just read under my diary that you climbed a glacier once!!!!! AMAZING....You need to give yourself more credit!!!
It was really scary fun.
Maria7 on 02/21/2018:
Hope you are having a good day.
Thank you! I think I will plan some prayer meditation.