236

Sunday was kind of a lost day. Woke up at 4am sick as a dog and had to cancel my plans. Spent most of the day looking for meds I bought last year in bulk for cheap I need to use up. Mom was mad at me for being sick, which is weird . Dog and dad were extra nice to me which was nice.

No idea what I ate but it was probably 2 or 3 times what I should have. I don't know why I get so hungry when I have a fever. I just ate too much.

Pms is finally over. I feel so much better.... augh. Also might be finally refilling my vyvanse prescription. I just feel so much better even though cramp monster is eating me alive. I woke up this morning, took meds, made coffee, ate breakfast and then tackled a present my dog left last night. second time this month. I also tackled attempts at repairing the spotbot, a miracle for old dog owners. I also took a pass at the screen door for the kitchen but may not have the right materials.

The thing about vyvanse is when I haven't taken it for a while and I take it I suddenly start cleaning and repairing things. I don't know if I just don't notice stuff is dirty and broken or I notice but skip it because whatever elses is going on steals my attention and I don't do the little stuff to clean/mend/fix and keep things in order.

Also, while Adderall helps me keep it together I wonder if the delivery system for me is really "madderall" because it gives some people rage issues but might just make me cranky. Logging everyday this month and maybe next will help me figure that out.

Glad I stuck close to home today. Lots of errands to run. Plumbing stuff, a slip for my nice dress, parts for the scrren door, bins to organize, some drug store odds. Also a good opportunity to go to sat night services again. Glad I dyed my hair and did my nails.

--------

More messages from friends worried about Helena. I think she's going through something and not telling people about it.

-----

Horrified to find my mom ate a ton of protein cookies. OMG. 450 cal, 2 servings of protein each.

She just said "no wonder my sugar's so high"

OMG

------
Woke: 9:30
S: missed
B: misssd
S: coffee, half n half, lean cuisine extra mozzarella
L: 2 Paleo breakfast cookies
S: leftover turkey meatloaf, gravy, spinach, and potatoes.
D: lentil soup, cauliflower cheese pizza, sweet potato flaxseed
S: 2 hot links

Slept way too long today. 11 hours? Yikes

Parents bought deli meats and rolls yesterday... TONS OF IT. Having a hard time ignoring it. Wish it wasn't here. 

----- 

Worked on Pete's site most of the day. Got hungry early and made turkey-stuffed eggplant boats, which weere actually insanely good. Mom was watching tv with me and we couldn't settle on anything and I suddenly went stir-crazy. Went to Costco to fill meds, but it was really crowded. Kind of ran around looking for junk food on the way home and resolved to get apples. On the way to the store was a Chinese place and I succumbed to Orange chicken and egg rolls. At least I'm less restless.

----

Up - 10am, but was in bed on time-ish at 11. Took a long time to fall asleep.

S: missed

B: missed

S: coffee, halfnhalf, 2 paleo breakfast cookies

L: 3 eggs, cheese, olive oil, pasta sauce, veg - too watery

S: pear, 3 cheese cubes, 4 slices deli turkey, last of the butterscotch chips

D: 1/2 eggplant, 1 cup meat sauce, mozzarella, cauliflower rice

S: orange chicken, 2 egg rolls, about a third of the fried rice and chow mein

234

Miracle of miracles, the outdoor timer on the TV worked last night and nobody fought me on keeping the tv going till the wee hours.

---

3:30 - Took care of some painful but necessary personal stuff and started repacking bags I took apart last night. Chilling on the patio in a lawn chair with my laptop now. Should do this more often.

I feel fat and stupid without adhd meds. Brain fog. Like swimming in jello. Everthing has more resistance and is kind of hazy, and for some reason I crave cigarettes. BLECH. I can go pick them up tomorrow, but today will suck.

Things I can do today to still be productive:

• Call dental insurance and make sure my premium is paid
• Work on pete's site
• Make porkchops for dinner, and throw in pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, and egg cups at the same time.
• Go for a run when it cools down and workout at home
• Dye my hair, do my nails
• Pack my bag in case I can head down to see ex this weekend, not that I should go.

What I actually want to do:

• Take a nap

Dog is insane to go for a long walk or have some fun but can't go for a long walk anymore. I should see if her dog carriage will turn back into a stroller after being in the sun for so long. I really like that as a project for tomorrow.

Bootcamp class is tonight but I don't want to drive or pay for gas when I can't run errands at the same time. I just feel so discombobulated all the time. Hopefully getting back on the vyvanse tomorrow will help that.

Things that would make me feel less "everything is everywhere":

• Chocolate
• Dying my hair and getting my nails in shape.
• Teeth cleaning and dental checkup.
• Having all of the rashes on my hands and feet heal up
• A really, really good hug
• Getting the mess in the living room tamed.  I've been at it for years now and I can't get to "done" unless I get rid of furniture and buy a cabinet. I don't want to spend the money.

---

Planning a fun and cheap day out with my camping ladies. Going to an under $10 thai place that is well reviewed on yelp and the oc register, followed by $2 baked goods at 85c and a $9 movie. 

One of the ladies sent out her list of picks from the Golden Globes. Everything on it was either about religous persecution, rape, coming out of the closet, war, disease, or poverty. I dunno if I want to sit through that without a fast forward button. 

I was like, who else needs a laugh and wants to see Pitch Perfect 3? Rebel Wilson 4 ever! Got 2 seconds. Could theoretically get a second ticket and see Star Wars after. 

---

Woke up at 6:30, but fell back asleep till 9:30am.

S: Missed

B: Missed

S: 10 am - Coffee, half n half, oatmeal, protein powder, raisins, walnuts, margerine

L: 1pm - Leftovers - Turkey meatloaf, poatoes, gravy, spinach. yum.

S: 3pm - Vegetable soup with shredded cheese

Extra snack: 4:40 2 zucchini muffins. margerine (working on pete's site not ready to make dinner yet.

D: 2 breaded pork chops, cauliflower rice, brussel sprouts, light lemonade... should not have had the second pork chop but I skipped 1 full meal. I think that was about 350 calories each porkchop so not over for the day I don't think.

S: pumpkin oatmeal chocolate chip pecan superfood paleo cookies... ooof.

1am still up might as well start a new entry. I need to remember in the morning to make coffee right away and get out for a walk. I spent too much time today in a fog. I need to tackle the things I must do and not wander over to cooking sites and recipes.

---

2pm. Have been up and about since 9am and semi-productive. Have gone down a bunch of rat holes instead of doing my most critical to do item today which is reviewing my debit card statement for fraud charges.

Rat holes I spent time on:

• Reviewing new grocery sales that were posted today and planning my shopping for the week. On my calendar for today but not most important thing to be doing during my prime focus time.
• Looking for a way to block pinterest on my iphone. I found one!  https://freedom.to
• Setting up blocklists for my iphone and laptop on Freedom.to and rescuetime. Debatable whether I actually need to do this right now????
• Cleaning junk out of my personal email - Debatable whether I actually need to do this right now????

---

Actually did manage to do some on target work till 5pm.

----

Then I needed to make dinner... Mom might not have gotten the half and half I was desperate for, but she did grab a couple of pounds of ground turkey on sale. I cooked an easy recipe for dinner in a completely disorganized fashion that took 3.5 hours when it should have taken 1 hr to cook, eat, and clean up.

Rat holes I spent time on:

• Sink was full of dishes when I started so after I got everything on I washed them all. One pot was burned, so extra scrubbing
• Mushroom gravy was a disaster multiple times and tried a few different things to recover it at each stage (first it turns out arrowroot does not make roux... it makes margerine-boba, then it turns out it doesn't meld well with red wine vinegar or dark soy sauce, then I forgot to mix cornstarch in hot water to make a slurry and made a lumpy mess... beaten thin it was still off, so I mixed in some half and half which required tempering...  still off so I added a carton of beef broth... took forever to gel back up again... but finally it was edible)
• Had to clean off dining room table from yesterday's "How many meals can I make from my pantry" experiment
• Dad had meltdown over a piece of onion he inhaled (dinner turned out crazy good and he inhaled it without chewing). Then he wanted seconds but I had already packed the leftovers into single serving trays and he didn't like that (mom gained 19lbs, dad can't fit through the dog gate again, watching portions). Whole thing took a while.
• Dad's meltdown triggered my asthma attack. 
• Couldn't find my inhaler. Tore apart my backpack, first aid kit, spare gear bag, and several other things trying to find it... Wasn't doing so hot. Then I took a break while it kicked in. (I still need to put all of it away again and repack my backpack (aaack).)
• Washed all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, started a load of laundry.

HOWEVER, dinner was insane and I actually had to stop myself from drinking the gravy straight down like a beverage. It was a definite fat girl moment. I don't think I ever wanted to drink gravy before.

2lbs of turkey, a bag of yukon gold potatoes, and the assorted vegetables on hand made 8 unbelievable meals.

---

S: Missed

B: Oatmeal, raisins, walnuts, protein powder

S: Skipped

L: Skipped

S: 2 paleo hotdog buiscuts, mustard

D: ? - meatloaf, potatoes, gravy, veg soup

S: 9pm - apple and peanut butter

11pm - starving. plain oatmeal and an orange. 

233.4!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOST A POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELOW MY PLATEAU WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did that happen while couch surfing for 3 weeks while being miserable and cranky to everyone and eating a lot of junk food?

----

3:39pm and brain is just coming together now. Mom is on me to go to bootcamp tonight and take my dog, but I don't want to spend the money on gas if I am not on top of things and feeling 100%. She mostly wants the dog to be happy but she says I was happy when I was going. Probably.  I just feel out of it right now and I don't want to deal.

----

4:33pm - Have netflix on in the background while I work.

- Checked grocery sales already but not worth checking again till tomorrow. Sales haven't changed yet. 

- Tackled the bucket of cleaners and some of the stuff by the front door. I may never need to buy cleaners again.

- Kind of going through my stuff and figuring out what I need to do. Using a project management app to tease out dependencies and picture what I need to do to dig myself out of my drama.

Dog keeps pacing around restlessly. She is bored off her butt. She'd love to go to a park workout tonight. I am dreading it.

----

Went out for $2.50 of Half n Half, spent $27 plus gas,. Greek yogurt ($3 and a thing of mushrooms $5). Also, a bottle of $2 light lemonade, $6 seltzer, and $2 italian ices. I totally mentally calculated that as $20 in the cart so I was surprised at the total. 

Also... heart broken to discover that my beloved Minute Maid Light Lemonade has aspartame and high fructose corn syrup. After I finish this bottle I have to give it up and make my own at home :(

I also crave Tang, but it is a lot of sugar.

----

Woke: 9:02 am

S: missed

B: skipped

S: 10:30am - oatmeal with raisins walnuts and 1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder

L: skipped

S: 2:30pm - 10 buffalo chicken wings, 1 stevia soda

D: 5:11pm - Glass of milk and a regular brownie with walnuts

S: 6:35pm - mozzarella, 2 turkey sausage patties, tomato sauce with mushrooms and onion, spaghetti squash

Late night snack - 12pm paleo zucchini muffins with butter.

235.4

Woke up at 7... almost on time (shooting for 6) but with a cold or something. Everything hurts, my head is pounding, It's a warm day but I can't get warm. All noises are too loud. Put a gallon of water in my camelbak and I am going to finish that and see if I feel better. It's possible it's dehydration. No fever but my skin is really dry.

Keeping the tv off today. If I am too out of it to go get things done, I don't need to add show hole to it. Glad I made egg muffins last night. Heat and eat.

----

Aaaaaw my mom made me some oatmeal because I'm miserable. All the times I wished someone else would feed me and it finally happened. I must be dying.

-----

Got a bunch of texts from M today. Apparently she's being quiet because she thinks her boyfriend is going to off himself in the next couple of months. I don't think he is... I think it is a control thing. If she's worried about him he is 100% of her focus. All I know is that he's been in a terrible depression for the last 3 years and that seems like a long time to go through something for someone you aren't married to... but then again I'm rebuilding my life ground up at 40 so what do I know?

--- S: missed B: missed S: 2 mushroom egg muffins and oatmeal L: skipped S: broccoli, brown rice, orange chicken D: S:

Up at 8 am and took meds. Went back to bed for an hour. I know I need to get up and start my day but still feel gross from the junk food binge last night. Mom says her blood sugar is 397.... crazy high. It could have been the brownies, but it could also be just late night eating, pizza carbs, etc. I don't want to face the scale.

236.4

Plan for today... hit 6:30pm service at another church. I liked the last one but their 40+ singles group was all ladies and that could get weird... although it could be handled by making a 40+ christian singles group on Meetup and recruiting more members. Just want to find the best option.

Things I need to do.... buy a blanket that doesn't shed, programmable coffee maker, make chicken verde, work on Pete's site, write up notes from counselor call, personal papers, get money into account, buy incredibly expensive adhd meds (bad health plan), tackle part of carpet for cleaning, move cleaners to tub outside or dispose, buy another outdoor timer, return movie, clean kitchen, get to bed on time.

-----

Heartbreaking... dad says the news about his friend's daughter has made him not want to waste the time he has left... so he's trying to be friendly today. Augh. I know I need to improve my relationship with him while I am here... it's just so hard to be in the same room with him. ---- Hungry and cranky. I left a bunch of mushrooms out while I was not feeling well and didn't cook it. Hoping it didn't go bad. Drove down to services but when I got there the parking lot was packed and everyone was dressed up and I had pretty much dragged myself off the couch half dead. Turned around and went home. Had given my dad my dinner because my mom was too out of it to help him find food. I had ramen instead. A little annoyed that he stuck me washing his dishes too.

---- S: missed B: missed S: skipped L: frozen pizza (too hungry to cook or think) - 1110 Stevia soda - 90 or 180? S: orange, hummus cup, carrots D: 2 packages of chicken ramen S: butterscotch chips, seltzer

Way overslept till 10:30 with a super deep sleep and a headache when I woke up. Gas leak?

Today is the anniversary of the day my cousin died. We also heard that my dad's friends's daughter died of cancer. I do not remember her, I was too young but she was married with kids and a career as a lawyer so it sounds like she lived full force.

Took mom to a cheap fun improv show and rented a movie for after to get her mind off it.

We stopped at jack n the box after. I was super hungry and kind of wiped out all day and didn't want to cook at 10pm. I also put on brownies. My mom wanted pizza with it after eating the stuff from jack n the box. I should have said no and not made brownies. I ate half a pizza (small) and had a brownie. I forgot to put them away though and Fell asleep during the movie. Got up at the end to find she had eaten the whole pan. Kind of scary.

---- S: missed B: sunflower seeds S: oatmeal raisins almonds butter L: orange S: pork chunk, potato salad, coleslaw D: waaaaay too much peanut butter, small apple. S: chicken teriyaki bowl, 1 eggroll, 1.5 tacos S: 1/2 a frozen pizza. S: 1/6 of a package of brownie mix with butterscotch chips.

-----

Ugh. I just feel physically ill.

There are few things better in life than a warm blanket and a big furry dog to share it with on a cold morning. Woke up to find mine in prime massage position... butt in armpit, across width of bed, ears right under my fingers... so I gave her a thorough massage. I'm always in a good mood when I beat my alarm awake.

Plan for today is to go to Starbucks before The Circus wakes up, then on to the coworking space. Have call with online shrink, then later in the afternoon I have a meeting with my virtual assistant to get me rolling again.

So yes I ate a ton of pizza yesterday, way more than was good for me. Yes I missed my bootcamp workout last night ( was posting Pete's stuff, then when I put on my kneepads my dog lost her furry mind and we left late.., i need to sneak into my workout clothes where she can't see from now on... so we left late, then I was blocked in) but today I am up on time and it is a beautiful day. ---- Got into a kerfuffle with my mom because I discovered she ate the lunches I packed for today and this weekend (and left me all the dishes and trash to clean up). All I said was hey, can you please leave the ones in my lunchbag alone, the ones on the shelf above it are the same just not packed for my cooler and I am really watching my cash so I meed to not eat out... if I have to repack or go shopping, i end up canceling or buying something more expensive on the road. World War 3. I think she felt bad and was overcompensating.

Bearcountry's post on hidden eating and snacks makes me think I semi-created this by hiding the stuff I know they can't resist, but then putting little baggies of it in my packed lunchbag. So yes, the little cup of yogurt is the same as the big costco one above it, but there is a 1/4 cup of paleo granola in with it... so probably that tempted her. Even though it is just granola... and the mini hummus cup packed for snack is the same as what is in the bowl I made to go with falaffel tonight, but the packet of sunflower seeds and jerky with it were from my last camping trip and not hidden, but I had them in the bear barrels and they can't get those open. Plus if you are old and your back hurts it's just so nice to open something delicious without finding everything yourself. I'd do up trays for my mom but she hates when I do that.

I would feel really bad putting a bear barrel in my parents fridge though.

----- Coworking space screwed up conference room booking. Ugh. Should have double checked yesterday. So freaking tired. Regrouping.

----- Up: 6:30am S: skipped B: 8:30 - ham and cheese sandwich, half n half, coffee S: coffee, half and half L: 1:30 - chicken thigh, potato, butter. S: 2:30 greek yogurt, Paleo granola, blueberries D: S: