No weigh in today. Was kind of a spaz this morning because I slept wrong. I will have to buy some more foam pillows. They are hard like a shelf.

Wish legcramps was still posting... I have decided to buy a bike trainer used so that I can do cardio and practice riding in clips at home. I saw a couple used at play it again sports yesterday for $70 but i don’t know what I am doing with them and I know quality is important for stability.

No weigh in this morning. I am a lump of human. Couldn't sleep at all last night. Fitbit says I got to sleep about 2:30 and woke up on time at 6AM... But my brain didn't kic in till 11AM. I don't think Starbucks via packets have enough caffeine in them. AUGH.

Discovery 1: My dog loves unsalted, dry roasted peanuts as much as I do. Easy way to get calories into my old pup!!!!

Discovery 2: CBD oil for dogs is useless on sore muscles topically applied. I'm not sure there is anything in this bottle.

Discovery 3: There is a super-hot plus model on the H&M site now!!!!  Why yes... You can be a plus size, normal boobs, and still be hot!!!! Also I don't think her hair and makeup takes an hour every day... She looks like she just got out of the gym and is ready to take on her workday! http://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0678224001.html

224.7

Today I have OT and yoga. Did not get as much done this weekend as I wanted to. But today is a new day and I will try again. Since Friday, I moved my bed and personal stuff into the spare room and created a workspace in the living room. I set up my old art desk and got the file cabinet in place. I also pre-treated the carpets with nature’s miracle, which needs a couple of weeks to do its job before I can use soap on the carpets. I made several dinners, washed dishes x6 sink full, took my mom grocery shopping/errand shopping, and repaired odds and ends. I booked yoga classes for m, w, and su. I ordered a couple of things to get me out looking good and most importantly, feeling good (I just can’t deal with the sensory element of too big clothes). I restarted my Rise membership and logged all my meals to the nutritionist. I incorporated her feedback to several of my meals. I flaked on a date, watched too much Netflix, got into a snafu with puppet dude, and went into and came out of a “bummed cycle “. I did not walk my dog enough or take her on an adventure, so I am glad I have the k9 happy hour this thursday to make me accountable to get her out to a park. Tuesday I will treat myself to a $5 movie at the AMC as a reward for pushing through anxiety this weekend and getting at least 1 action done per day to move forward.

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OT says to limit my to do list to 3-5 things in addition to habits and that most adults take an hour to get dressed and ready in the morning. That is staggering. I don’t know how I would have done anything in my life if I planned to take an hour just to dress and eat. She said that yes, chronic pain can lead to a constant sense of doom... Constant pain =‘s a constant stress signal to the brain and irritability and conflict reinforces it... but I need to see a neck specialist to determine what is wrong with my neck and what can be done to make me more consistently free of pain. Anyway I have a list of things to focus on, and I need to devlelop more realistic expectations to reduce anxiety.

Didn’t get everything done yesterday I wanted. Mostly because I took my mom to 3 stores which I hadn’t planned on and gave myself a headache that laid me out at 6pm on. Should have just gone to sleep then, but got hooked on Iron Fist S2 on Netflix and then couldn’t sleep till 3am. Life lessons. At least I got up at 9ish and didn’t sleep so long I won’t sleep tonight. Just back on the horse. Day 1. Ugh.

Also, my DIY ear piercing isn’t healing and my ear swelled up last night so off to the Minute Clinic for bumps, bruises, and general home idiocy.

So that list from yesterday is still in progress. I may not be losing fat but I am losing inches. Had to buy a new pair of yoga pants in size M-Tall, a smaller belt, and a smaller bra. Bless Old Navy and their tall sizes. Bless H&M for their Swedish bras that fit the ridiculously tall, fat, flat-chested women of America and have long enough bra straps. My size 14 jeans are falling down and I may need to order size 12s soon... but I want good ones!!!! So that will be a clearance item. Wish Lucky Brand made tall sizes.

—-

No fast food pact with puppet dude went terribly wrong. The pact was to not eat anything from a drive thru or fast food restaurant for 1 week. I passed on pizza, tacos, everything this week and made healthy versions at home. He went to Farmer Boys yesterday and confessed to breaking our pact. First one to break has to do a truth or dare... So I said 1/4 tsp pepper sauce, down the hatch. I really didn’t think it was that bad (I put that on my eggs) but he said I was mean. I told him not to do it then... no big deal... but it turned into a thing because he said he was honor-bound to show me that he can do something he said he would do. I said don’t do it because it’s not any fun any more and if you do it now it will just make me sad. I asked what he would have dared me to do and he said to go on another date with him. I said why dare me to do a date? We were already going to do that. A dare to go on a date makes it super awkward. What’s the point of dating a man-boy standup comedian who makes puppets if you can’t do stupid stuff together? I don’t want to be grown up and serious all the time. Sometimes I just want to be stupid and have some fun.

224.7

Was on-plan yesterday but gained a lb back. It may take a couple of weeks to get down past 221 again. Grrrr. Neck was fine but talking to that OKC dude on the phone wore me out emotionally and I was too tired to do anything. Stayed in last night and used a digital scale to pack oatmeal and snacks for the week... like they were dime bags in a movie.

Puppet dude had a bad low blood sugar episode after his run and I slept 12h and missed his call so he went home and to drive Uber. Why do I feel so out of it when I sleep a long time? I went to.bed at 9 last night... I should have naturally woken up about 5AM. My dad caught me still sleeping at 8am but I didn’t really move till 9AM.

Plan for today is to keep taking advantage of productivity streak.

1. Do some basics for functionality while working on getting furniture up on foam to clean the rugs. It’s hard because everything has another project in front of it... To put a bookcase up on blocks, I need to take the books out and list them on ebay, put the bookcase on the blocks, then put them back in.

2. Wait for the temp to go down and take my dog to the park and do a yoga video there. Just my dog, my phone and my yoga mat.

3. Buy and pack my supplements for the month.

4. Book classpass classes for the week.

5. Work on OT homework and notes.

6. Make more doggie dinners and our dinner.

I kind of run out of gas at 8pm these days... so 11 AM now... I can do this.

—-

Also, I incorporated a cesar salad into pizza night for my parents and served that with boneless wings first before putting out the pizza. I wasn’t doing salads for them because my dad won’t eat dark leafy greens and iceberg has no nutritional value on top of which dressing adds fat and calories . Nutritionist says use salad anyway because it will trigger stretch receptors to feel full. I also served plain grapes for dessert. It definitely helped my dad feel like he had a full meal... but probably because I made up the whole bag of boneless wings. Still better than cracking open a second pizza, even if it was ultra thin crust.

223.7. Still up from my low but working on it. Fell off my new “trying” streak last night into a bag of fair trade dark chocolate buttons... like M and Ms, but not killing the planet while stuffing my face. They are only in recipe-sized bags and I was going to make single servings but they didn’t make it all the way home. So starting over on Day 1 again. I gave myself this week off from workouts to do chores at home while my neck is still “working” and have managed to move the easy chairs out of my old bedroom and my bed into their place. I can’t remember the last time I was able to move something like a leather recliner on my own... let alone a bed. Kind of on par with the shock level a couple of weeks ago when I was able to put all my weight on my hands and walk my feet up to the top of the yoga mat... I totally am just astonished and shocked. Still a lot of work to be able to sleep in there but I hope to be off the couch and in my bed by the end of next week.

Currently celebrating at my favorite diner where I ordered a single cheeseburger lettuce wrap (instead of my former double per instructions from nutritionist on Rise) and an order of sweet potato fries with ranch (half of which I put in a tupperware container brought specifically for that purpose to cut calories without creating trash). Tiny changes.

Friday night. Have a date off OKC for froyo. Between now and then I am hitting the 99cent store for some white cloths to wash down all the walls... maybe the grocery store. No plans for the weekend other than church Sunday and Classpass yoga. I’m poking around the app store trying to find a meal plan, coach, and workouts all in one. I tried 8fit but it was buggy. Probably just a bad release so I’ll try it again in a couple of months. Maybe I’ll try the DDP yoga app at the park with my dog. I bought 2 Gaiam yoga blocks at Marshalls this week... A frugal buy at $4.99 each!

So weird and foreign to me to think “OK I will do this task now” and then just do it like I used to. Like a week now. I know I have a crazy high pain tolerance, but I can’t believe one tiny little “pop” at my skull joint makes such a difference. Had to reschedule OT appointment this morning so I didn’t get to ask her today if that was enough of something wrong to have made everything so hard. I had some neck pain after I moved my bed frame before I warmed up, freaked out, and rescheduled for Monday.

—-

Talked to OKC dude on the phone... augh sounds sooo... exhausting. He’s also a musician... which means constant noise and partying. Puppet dude is running a 5K down by me so I will meet up with him tomorrow instead.

Restarted my Rise subscription yesterday... had on plan eating all day. Went to bed early. Got up early. Still on plan and it's 3:50pm... AND I made a meal plan / grocery list for the week WITH MY MOM'S INPUT that got a stamp of approval from the nutritionist with the suggestion that I throw in some cauliflower rice to bulk up the meals.

I also put pen to paper for the meal planning app idea I had. I have been struggling with how to get people to pay for it... and I think I am gaining on that. Now I am taking a brain break. I will go on to tackle my to do list... that is perfectly organized with my post it system. Then I will go to yoga... because my clothes are ready and my mat is washed.

One small neck joint stood between me and productivity. Now I just need to strengthen my neck so it doesn't slip back.

Oh, and some micro-gifts for my mom... CBD oil and a pair of bluetooth headphones. I've had peace since yesterday. She's even been pleasant. It's astonishing.

Hammering out the kinks one day at a time.

---

Ran my app idea past puppet dude. He thinks it is amazing and people would fork out cash for it as a no-brainer. At least that's good first positive reaction.

224,6... Weight moving in the right direction again.

Went to dog sitting and had a good weekend... but also fell off the horse for a few days. Back to it today. Went to bed early last night, let myself catch up on sleep and got 8h. Had oatmeal for breakfast and traded in my half n half and chocolate syrup in my coffee for some chocolate protein powder and instant coffee in a shaker. About to take my supplements. One foot in front of the other.

—

The shake is actually pretty good over ice with a little extra stevia. I bought Sprouts Chocolate Whey Protein and it tasted funny at first but it’s growing on me. I also got the Orgain vanilla plant protein with superfoods in Vanilla for my oatmeal... just a spoonful to add creaminess and vanilla to my overnight oats. I made it up in my shaker last night at the same time I set up my overnight oats and supplements for the AM. I also just realized that I can start adding the tablespoon of coconut oil back into my oatmeal for the MCTs and fat burning. I like that now I can easily set up breakfast packets that don’t need to be refrigerated like the half n half or coconut creamer did... Trader Joes has single-serving coconut oil packets. Whole thing is very grab and go, travel friendly. Working very hard to set up repeatable habits.

Pact with puppet dude started last night at midnight. No fast food for a week ending Monday at midnight. First one to cave has to do a truth or a dare. I’m not “feeling it” but it’s just so nice to have a positive energy in my life, I’m hoping it just takes time. I had a bad night last night because I had my mom take a photo of me with my dog and I didn’t like how I looked. Granted I was exhausted and had my wet hair in a bun, no makeup, was wearing an old house dress 2 sizes too big, and the lighting was terrible but I just felt so sad when I saw it. I was so down I didn’t get anything done last night although I knew I would be too worn out to do much anyway and had just planned to go to bed early. I was also down because my dad wanted to go out for dinner, my mom said ok, then she sabotaged it. I felt like not getting him out for dinner was a personal failure... so it was nice to have that positive energy to get a little lift and go to bed early. Stay on track.

And I made a small incremental step towards getting control by using my epsom salt bath water to try to kill weeds in front of the house. I don’t know if it was concentrated enough to make a difference... but we shall see... Seemed a shame to not at least try :)

Today... A to do list a mile long... but the success of my weekend is that I have an organized to-do list.

—

And how could I forget to mention a minor miracle? I was relaxing while dog sitting and I felt the spine/skull connection point “unkink” on the left side... zero pain or numbness since. Well, except while driving. That’s agony. But just walking, working, or sitting? Just fine.

Scale says 225.6... So why do I feel skinny? Time to take some measurements. I will have to buy a new measuring tape... last one tore.

Had an “old me” level of productivity yesterday... not on the level of the old me who went to college on her own dime, worked her way through school, and started businesses... but the “old me” who just told anxiety and panic to shut the **** up and handled it. I guess I am still in here after all and the OT is giving me the right track. Makes that $350 neck specialist she wants me to see sound a lot less expensive.

I forget how many days I was at yesterday without neck pain (although I wouldn’t say pain free, just bearable and not overly distracting. I have had to lay down each day at about 3pm to rest my neck)... But it kicked back in yesterday because I sat and did paperwork while at lunch and had my head tilted down..Thought I was going to lose my mind. Luckily I had already planned to go to restorative yoga with this instructor I really like off Classpass and had my yoga stuff ready to go... because I had that as a to do item in my new habit tracker for the night before. It was an amazing class, just like last time... and I really, really like her style. She gave me lots of corrections this time and I just felt amazing after. I teased her a little and asked her when she’s releasing her DVD. Anyway, the class was so fantastic, I am now on a mission to buy yoga blocks, the looped therapy strap, and a bolster like she uses in her class. Next time I will have to remember to ask her if there are any DVDs she likes so I can do it at home in betwen.

OM.

Calm, sleeping dog at my feet who very much appreciated her chicken thighs last night. There is a good sale on and I bought boneless skinless chicken thighs for doggie dinners to make up for her... pushed myself to go after yoga and didn’t get to bed till midnight, but it’s all worth it for my dog.

Still had a better night than puppet dude, whose cpap machine broke and he was too scared to go to sleep because he chokes in his sleep without it. He talks about all this weight he lost like it’s a massive amount but it’s apparently only 35lbs and not enough to make a difference yet. He found his old one this morning... I feel for him and I also feel like he lives in self-induced chaos at the same time. Claustrophobia, my friend. You’ve come to visit me again.

OMMMMM...

Ok... gathering myself for today. putting brain in order. I had the brainstorm of using little yellow postit notes to organize all my fluttering thoughts, then selecting the ones I need to work on and arranging them on a page. I then put the page in a plastic “project folder” so they didn’t fall off and took it around with me to do things. So easy. How did I never think of that before?

—

Evening update. I did not have the physical endurance to do the meal prep I attempted to do today. I started cooking about 10am and thought I would be done by 12pm. Actually took me till 6pm. I kept having to lay down and rest my neck, or it got too hot, or I got overwhelmed by clutter. I did finish the pantry reorg and pulled out all the stuff I need to use up and made sure lids were tight.

I don’t know that 8h of work (with too many breaks) was worth this amount of food:

- 3 breakfasts of eggs, turkey bacon and 2 pancake muffins

- 3 snacks of hummus, chicken, carrots and snap peas

- 3 lunch / dinner portions of chicken and sweet potato

- 2 sit down meals for my parents... lunch and dinner, plus a bunch of single serving dishes of my dad’s favorite mac n cheese

By the time 6pm rolled around I was just dying. I woke up fine but even with breaks to lay down, tiger balm and tylenol, I feel like i got hit in the neck with a baseball bat.

my dog is asleep on my foot. Feels too happy to move.

Up on time today at 5! Proud of that. Last night I came home at 5 to take my dad out but he wasn’t in shape for it so I got thrown off. Couldn’t get my brain to change tracks and be productive and I was crazy hungry and hadn’t planned to make dinner for anyone so I wasn’t ready and had to figure out what to make which was really mentally taxing. I ended up throwing some beef I had vacum-sealed in the freezer into the instant pot with some adobo peppers blended with spices and got the most amazing shredded beef out of it. I had some leftover beans, spinach and fajita veggies so with some brown rice I had a pretty healthy dinner together.

Got into a small tussle with my dad because while they were eating I made up single serving trays for the week and my dad wanted thidrs but they were already in the fridge before they sat down to dinner... I was trying not to overeat because I was so fried mentally, I put away the extra before we started eating. I just pulled out a tray and nuked it and gave it to him but he got mad at me because he felt like I was silently thinking he was eating out of control. I was worried about his blood sugar and his leg... but it’s not like I said anything. He’s 330lbs and doesn’t move... Seconds aren’t needed but thirds definitely are a leg amputation waiting to happen. Super glad I signed up for volunteering to help seniors with herb gardens on wednesday. Maybe I will see people doing this right. Breathe. I can only control the things I can control.

Anyway when 8pm rolled around I still hadn’t done all the things I needed to, but I just took my sleep meds and went to bed. I would rise and conquer in the morning... and I did! I had breakfast, cleared away all the dry dishes, and started sorting and packing dry food and meal prep containers for dog sitting this weekend. I washed my yoga mats... all good things to do if not the critical ones.

I did waste time texting puppet dude about meal prep this morning. I feel for him. He’s diabetic and working hard to eat right and work out but it’s hard when you are diabetic and also trying to manage blood sugar. I think he’s having a lot of cognitive problems of diabetic brain fog due to high blood sugar. Plus he’s not managing cravings when he does have high blood sugar. He was having crazy huger and thirst (high blood sugar) so he hit panda express last night and jacked it up super high. Then he ordered meal prep containers on amazon. He says he wants to start doing meal prep like I do. I feel for him in my gut... So I sent pictures and texts as I packed my cooler for the day. It took a lot of extra time.

I am getting “flashbacks” of getting to know UDG and trying to help him and date him at the same time... Daddy issues. Can’t save my dad but maybe I can save this guy... ok... maybe this guy... wait no... maybe...

At least puppet dude is actively working out and eating right.

Ok puppy. I need my foot back. I have to start my day.