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happy-1 - Friday Oct 18, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 37 of 60 Days No Contact and Making Every Day Count

Mold Armor test kit analysis results came back!!!!! What looks like toxic black mold is actually a common mold "Cladosporium" that is bad for asthma and allergy sufferers, or if you have a specific allergy to it. I just have to scrub it off and use borax or bleach, and possibly some borax as a rinse when I clean the carpets. I probably need to use antifungals when we dust as well and pay more attention to cleaning the blinds.


God, thank you. I needed a break to come my way.

Made yesterday count by working with the pro organizer, but also went to get prescriptions and a few groceries.

Making today count by tackling the mold, rug cleaning, and the room swaps.

In theory, the bereavement counselor is supposed to come by, but I won't hold my breath. She cancels and reschedules all the freaking time.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/19/2019:
It's good to know it's not the toxic mold type.

you sound so productive. whatever carpet cleaner you use, i hope it doesn't "bleach" your color carpet!?

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

36 of 60 days of making each day count while in no contact with ex.

So far I have made today count by:

  • Working with organizer to clear more papers
  • Clearing more clutter in the front room
  • Following up on mold test... They have it! Results soon...
  • Following up on getting terms and conditions email from Smile Direct... Why is this so difficult?

And it's only 3pm.

Binge ate last night because I didn't take sleep meds before dinner. And because all of this **** is so overwhelming. And because my friend called me to push me to celebrate my upcoming birthday. I couldn't even wrap my head around trying to do anything for fun or joy... Plus I don't really want to go see people who are terribly, terribly worried about me and be asked horrible questions. It was dismal and I overate.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2019:
omg, i MUST clean my apt SOON.

i have a mess of clothes and need to prob throw out around 5% of my stuff...doesn't sound like a lot, but it is ;)

sorry about the binge, i totally understand...just try to make the next day a LITTLE bit better. you have a learned a lot over the years on how to manage it, and you will get there again :)

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 35 of 60

Made yesterday count by:

  • Critical: Going through all the mail I stashed, and making a list of accounts, balances and bills.
  • Supporting dad doing his own taxes

Made today count by: 

  • Going through a backlog of paperwork I thought I needed to do and tossing half in the shred bins.
  • Taking dad to mail his taxes
  • OT session
  • Getting better blood pressure meds
  • Critical: Getting dad's handicapped application in the mail...
  • Making three healthy meals for dad... Blueberry pancake, falaffel/hummus/salad, asian chicken stir fry and wontons.
  • Working on my project plan some more


Professional organizer tomorrow. I think I will ask her to help me put the house back together so I can get a housekeeper in.

Tomorrow I will go to Home Depot and get a rug cleaner and start cleaning all the rugs for swapping rooms. Makbe another mold test kit since they haven't received mine yet to give me results I am desperate for.

The Asian chicken was pretty good...



UPDATE: Having a hard time getting to sleep. My friend called me to ask about celebrating my birthday. I don't really want to. I don't want to lose a day where I could be doing something... And really it is several days because I would need to take a couple of days away from the house at a hotel first to be able to pull that off. I just got really overwhelmed at the idea of even trying to have fun.

That's what I'm missing from my ex... the idea that my happiness matters and I deserve to take time for myself.

And a really great guy to do that with.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2019:
why can't you do something on the smaller end for your bday??? like just a dinner? why does it have to be several days?

happy-1 - Tuesday Oct 15, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 34 of 60

Slept 11h, almost a record. Was really exhausted. Dad asked me to cook breakfast and I looked at the kitchen and thought "Maybe after a crime scene cleaning"... It is daunting.

Also daunting is that he wants me to drive him to the post office... I'm exhausted and my blood pressure is high. But his tax deadline is today. I offered to take it for him but he insists on going. Uber?

Partially exhausted because in addition to the dad friend excursion and kitty dental yesterday, we had a major fight 5AM because dad forgot about the kitty dental work and didn't want me to spend the money. We'd already talked about it so I ended up grabbing my backpack and the cat and shoving both in he car and sitting outside the vet office for 2 hours till they opened up to drop him off. I now see the value of the cat carriers. He got so freaked out at being grabbed from his sleep and tossed in the back like a furry little football, he peed on all my mail.


Making today count by contacting my doc to see if there's a better med for blood pressure, trying to take it easy, and just trying to get through my mail.


UPDATE: Got almost nothing done because dad was having a drama queen moment over his taxes. But at least I did dishes, set myself up for the bereavement counselor tomorrow, and got a little rest. And the cat is feeling better... So there's that.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/16/2019:
Did dad meet his tax deadline?

happy-1 on 10/16/2019:

BearCountryGG on 10/16/2019:
Hopefully it gets easier to avoid fights with dad...he might enjoy the drama....but it is sure adding stress to you guys.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/16/2019:
You and Bear visited the post office today!

sometimes you need the sleep.

happy-1 - Monday Oct 14, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 33 of 60

Made today count by getting the cat dental surgery and taking my dad to see friends he grew up with who were in town for a wedding. They kept trying to give me money. I just said if you really want to help, help me sort out my back to work plan. Nobody wants to deal with the minutiae. They said they would. Have to crack on that tomorrow.

Kitty's dental surgery was extreme... $864 and they pulled out most of his teeth. Appparently they couldn't examine him without putting him under anesthesia because he "shattered" each time they touched his mouth. I tried to give him a piece of deli turkey but he actually said "ow ow ow" while eating it and then ran away. I scooped him up and carried him off to bed. He has apparently forgiven me and is perched on a blanket on my favorite pillows at the foot of my bed, drooling red goop.. Not only is this relationship official in a database somewhere, I have invested in it. I think he would really enjoy a small dog bed at the foot of my bed and in a couple of spots. The gift I have given myself for my birthday is happiness for my kittykat. I'm thinking that my dog could use a better dog bed that isn't compressed and possibly with a waterproof cover inside. Kind of feeling this... https://www.amazon.com/Dogbed4less-Memory-Pillow-Waterproof-Inches/dp/B071NT8LCF/

(Fell asleep last night while writing this, LOL.)


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Sunday Oct 13, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 32 of 60.

Yesterday was a rest day... as in "so tired I can't keep going and just have to sit here like a lump". Still managed to do dishes, wash food storage containers, and do laundry (sheets, blankets). Fell asleep on the bare mattress with the lights on waiting for them to dry.

Still in need of a rest day. Still managed the major move things away from the windows so that the broken one can be fixed and the front one can be replaced. We now have two tightly sealed front windows. Still waiting to see the results of the mold test before I move either of us into the front room. Is it the bad black mold with neurotoxins or is it the ok black mold that just makes you sneeze?

I wish there was a crystal ball I could use to see into the future and figure out what to do next.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/13/2019:
Er... I hope it's not the toxic black mold type. When do you find out?

BearCountryGG on 10/14/2019:
Mold is never good.....hope it isn't a major problem.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/14/2019:
i am sooo in need of a rest day today...but going out later with friend while he fishes...but i'll just read :) outside reading can count as rest right!?

me too, crystal balls, but, what if it didn't tell you positive things LOL. that's my own weird thinking.

Maria7 on 10/15/2019:
It is very good to take a day to rest. Then you will feel (more) refreshed for the tasks ahead...more energized.

happy-1 - Saturday Oct 12, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 31 of 60. More than halfway through.

Made yesterday count by taking care of my health. Got new meds, the splinter in my foot out, and a couple of groceries. Gave the pets a can of dog food and went to bed immediately.

A little burned out. Making today count by trying to do things to just feel better mentally and physically to get back in the game. Got up early, healthy breakfast and coffee, odds and ends to be more organized, saw Downton Abbey. Took a little time for myself... 5 hours of a break.

Things like repairing the vacum cleaner and cleaning the kitchen can happen in tiny baby stages.

Have the amazing reprieve of not having to take my dad to see his friends until Monday. I can get another day to recover.

So tired.

One foot in front of the other.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/13/2019:
Keep moving forward - you're doing great!

happy-1 on 10/13/2019:
Thank you!!!!!! Now that I am past the hump I can go back and read everyone's comments and posts and participate again. I had tunnel vision for a little while.

BearCountryGG on 10/13/2019:
Glad that you are finding some me time...we all need that!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/14/2019:
do you always take your dad to see his friends? i don't remember ever reading that before :)

also, nice job on moving along to day 31. freaking awesome, that is great - def keep staying away from someone who cannot give you the things you desire. definitely!

happy-1 - Friday Oct 11, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 30 of 60

Spent last night in the ER for blood pressure. They checked me out but couldn't actually do anything... So big ER bill coming up not exactly for nothing, but sure feels like it. Blood pressure monitor showed climbing levels and I didn't want to wait to be in the red zone, but the Uber ride there relaxed me and it dropped by the time I was triaged. I was super glad I went there with the monitor to show them so I didn't look nuts. Well, as nuts. Slightly less bat****?

Rescheduled with bereavement counselor for next week to help my dad organize bills and taxes. I kind of needed the extra time anyway to go through what papers I have collected.

Making today count by going to GP and dermatology appointments. Plus setting up blood pressure monitor. Not what I planned to do today but important nonetheless.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
despite this slight hickup with your blood pressure, you have recovered like a warrior after it!! keep on and try not to overbook yourself so that you can go many days being successful and not beat yourself up :) <3

Donkey on 10/12/2019:
(((hugs))) good idea to get another BP monitor - one that's for just you.

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 29 of 60. Almost halfway there.

Made yesterday count by:

  • Investigating new teeth alignment options at SmileDirect
  • Picking up prescriptions
  • Pushing further on getting my dad set up to go to the senior center, a work in progress
  • Filing more taxes
  • Going to yoga
  • Picking up healthy groceries

Making today count by:

  • Getting up early and going to urgent care (splinter)
  • Working on the front room with organizer
  • OT appointment
  • Eating healthy
  • Starting a new blood sugar sensor
  • Getting on the same page with the bereavement counselor before the session tomorrow


Update: Went to urgent care, yes I have a splinter that needs to come out, no they can't do feet... and bonus I have scary high blood pressure. So I guess I also made today count by finding out I need to do something to not die.

Bought the Withings blood pressure monitor for same day delivery on Amazon. Guess I learned my lesson about not buying a replacement critical device I need because my dad has it and won't let go.

Booked follow up appointments for tomorrow.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
of all the things you write about, it's steady that you aren't contacting your ex and that is good as you are moving on and doing things that are so much more beneficial!!!! go you!

i cannot believe they cannot take the splinter out! whatever happened with it?

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
donkey's exile joke below had me laughing ;)...she's right...i like her suggestion, too.

happy-1 - Wednesday Oct 09, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 28 of 30 No Contact with Ex. Painful but becoming more of a habit now.

Made yesterday count by taking dad to the doctor. The rash he won't let me anywhere near has turned out to be bedsores from sitting and not moving. I don't know what I will do about this. He sleeps in a chair and gets angry when I try to wake him up to move him. I emailed his heart clinic for suggestions... It's the reason he won't lay down. I also pushed him to get a flu shot. I have a bunch of follow ups for him today... booking MORE doctor appointments.

While we were there, I had a bunch of scares... His oxygen tank ran out and I didn't catch it (although I had loaded a bunch of spares in the car I only put one on the rollator because it makes it heavier). He got scary tired and I was glad I got him on the rollator because I had to put him in it and tow him to labs. After labs he went to the bathroom without the oxygen and came out after a long time pale and sweaty. I freaked out and had a nurse assess him... which made him very angry because it just turned out to be low blood sugar (I thought heart attack because he had been off the oxygen). Eventually I gave up and towed him out to the car. He didn't want to do the important errands we had planned for on the way home... but still expected me to take him to a grocery store I had said I would take him to. No way was I taking him to a grocery store if I already had to tow him out of Kaiser so I said I need to go home and eat something and lay down for a little while. He's desperately unhappy without all his treats to binge on. I desperately don't want to lose another parent any sooner than I have to. I think it was good that I took care of my mom... I got to make my peace with her. Maybe I will get the same with him.

Small shift in mindset yesterday... I had so much time waiting in the hallways of Kaiser, I just said F it and started doing a light workout routine to get my heart rate up. I knew I would be too tired when I got home to do it. Simple stuff... crossovers, knee raises, bicep curls with the oxygen tank, squats and stretches. I got a lot of stares... Particularly from the security guard. But screw it. Luckily I was wearing a sports bra and outdoor clothing from Marmot, Columbia, and Northface so it was easy. I'm carrying a huge backpack for the both of us so I think that added to the cardio

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
good job taking care of your dad. i guess you now MUST get him to move or move him time to time to different positions? maybe you can look up online different positionings to counteract bed sores? sorry to hear this happened with your dad. i know it's common when people stay in the same place all day.

good job adding a workout in lol. you are balancing a lot, it sounds like, by taking care now of your dad.

also, great job on not contacting your ex. when i think about the guy who i really liked but never even became my boyfriend, so i'm not relating it exactly to your case, as this guy TOLD ME to not contact him lol - at first i thought it was was a joke when he wouldn't reply to texts, etc....but then i realized he couldn't give me anything! no matter how hot this guy was to me, he wasn't available. and i had to remember it would never be worth it.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
(worth it to contact him because he wasn't available!)

Donkey on 10/10/2019:
Now that you are coming to an end from your ex-exile, have you thought about extending the 30 days' period to a little longer?

Donkey on 10/10/2019:
You're doing great, by the way - even if it doesn't feel like it.

Maria7 on 10/10/2019:
You are doing FANTASTIC! Hope you have a good day today.

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