Day 13 of 60
Feeling better enough that I think I will be back on the bike tomorrow and in yoga by friday. Had a dermatology appointment today. Apparenly he does not re-pierce ears.
Pro-organizer helped me get through the last of mom's "recent" boxes yesterday. I am so glad it was her going through the boxes instead of me... I had one that must have been repacked into a newer box... and found a few copies of dad's porn from the 60's and 70's. Horrifying on so many levels... and some were Playboys possibly worth selling... I had her stuff it in another box and refused to look at it or deal with it. She tried to get me to deal with it or toss it. I just wanted it buried again...
Like if you opened a box of Cheerios and found a thumb, screamed, closed it, and put it back on the shelf in front of someone else.
Trying to stay on track with eating today. So far
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Cat is suddenly pulling out his fur all over my bed. a) gross, b) scary, c) worried he's sick again.
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Ex wants to hang out again. I said how about a real date, any saturday night? Like archery or something holiday.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 12 of 60
Second day of antiboitics. Supposed to feel better tomorrow or the day after.
Feeling better enough that I don't want to keep spiraling in the downward trend of enslavement of taking care of dad, who has always confused parenting with child labor.His definition of what I should be doing is whatever he wants me to do whenever he wants me to do it. My definition of what I should be doing is making sure he has 3 hots and a cot, meds, medical/dental needs taken care of, and one excursion a week if there are no doctor visits.
Pro organizer is coming today. Diverting her time today from digging out that spare room to work on my papers. Unfinished paperwork is partly what is keeping me in slavery and poor self/health care.
So let's get that knocked out. If I can't ride my bike with a UTI, I need to make today count a different way.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
You def have a good plan in store. My apt is def cluttered. I feel like i want to throw 50% of my stuff out LOL. I will def have to work on cleaning up, myself :)
Day 11 of 60
Stayed up till 4am last night for no particular reason other than I wasn't feeling well, didn't look at the clock, kept watching tv, and didn't do the things I needed to do to go to bed. Cat was trying to tell me I was up too late but I wasn't paying enough attention. Woke up just in time to get stuff done for the day that absolutely had to get done. Resetting. Cleaning a little, took a shower, making a to do list.
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Got my antibiotics and a restock of groceries from Sams Club.
Felt bad about short shifting dad the last few days whle I was sick (again). Caved on the heart-healthy diet options and got dad the Dominos pizza he has been going on and on about, but it wasn't hot, and he thinks he had better pizza when he picked up there with my mom. Not even anything I could do anything about... He had a meltdown and I went to bed early... like 6:30pm.
Am I being trained to not do anything he wants? Or trained to slavishly give in to whatever he wants?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
This cat is definitely also smart. And I think he understands what you say to him perfectly.
sounds like you are sleeping in ;)
Day 10 of 60
Stayed up too late last night because I was tired???? Makes no sense.
Also was just mentally overwhelmed by all the unfinished projects in my room and the visual chaos that keeps pulling my attention. I need everything to be "out of sight, out of mind" or at least "in the spot it belongs" for a space to be productive.
I'm not getting the things done I need to get done, so I might as well tackle the attention glitches.
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All I accomplished today was parts of little crafts... I don't know that it was an effective use of my time...
Also made dad dinner and did a small run to get supplies from the dollar store.
A little tired/sad today. Hopefully it is just a UTI and not full scale depression.
Bottomless pit lonely today. I miss my ex + can't see a second round working out. Had two invites out, but not feeling well enough to go anywhere.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Earthquake straps hold things up against the wall so they don't fall over. Since the screens will be flat they have no way to stand up.
I completely get staying awake because you are too tired. Been there.
You're doing a LOT every day, just taking care of your dad, even if it feels that you are doing nothing. Perhaps you did not go out because you were too tired. Caregiving is an exhausting endeavor.
Just spaced completely.
I have no idea where my time goes. It just is an endless energy suck.
Those are VERY interesting crafts that you started on! do you have to be careful to bleach the wall like that?
I was shocked how well the bleach actually worked. It really took the mildew stains off.
It seems a little odd to work on crafts with so many more important things to do... but it is a huge stress reliever.
Day 9 of 60
Got up at 5 (dog woke me up and then pooped on her bed while she was trying to wake me up).
Got to yoga at 8. Amazing class. I might be 2" taller.
Did errands.
Made dad lunch.
Tired in my bones. Super sore. Extra coffee not helping. So much to do. No bike ride today. Pushing sand.
Having an attack of the lonelies. I enjoyed seeing my ex, but I think I mostly just missed getting out of the house.
Making dad dinner.
Try again tomorrow.
More yoga?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
yea, i agree about the ex.
He's awesome... I miss him a lot... there's just a lot that would have to change and I'd have to set and enforce a lot of boundaries... and it's just not where I want my energy to go to right now... I need to dig myself out and get back to work... But also it is hard to be totally isolated and not have anyone.
Day 8 of 60
Missed bike ride yesterday. Just couldn't get my brain together. Did get out to take stuff to Goodwill, pick up groceries, even be social. Late cup of coffee with ex. It was fun and good company. Bury the hatchet. No current plans to meet up again, but it was nice to just put things back on a happier note.
No bike ride today. Just couldn't get my brain together and didn't feel too great. A little UTI-y but won't worry about it unless it goes a couple of days. Did manage to suck it up about 2pm once stuff was in order and tackle two important tasks for today and make dad a hot meal. Chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and spinach.
So far 3 missed days in my 60 days of bike riding. Back to the pre-bedtime checklist.
This morning I got a soft paw and big loving wakeup from my cat. Then he sat on my lap until I was ready to wake up. Maybe I should move the coffeemaker to my nightstand so I really don't hhave to get out of bed!!!!! I made the pets a fresh meal tonight and he came over and purred at me and told me how happy he was that he had a fancy dinner. Left an awesome coupon for a free cup of coffee on my desk and kitty peed on it. SOOOOOOOO GROSS. He has been returned to the bathroom. This is the first peeing on important papers thing... making me rethink the whole cat on desk option.,. A little frustrating because it was starting out as a good night.
All papers have been put away. Talk about motivation to be tidy.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
My dog will swipe my phone and keys and hide them on the patio because I pay too much attention to them. My cat is starting to feel that way about my laptop... I hope he doesn't pee on them!!!
Your kitty is why i cannot get a kitty lol. i'm not ready for that at all! for pee and mess, etc...you do a great job as a kitty mom though!
You are a sage and wise woman for keeping pets small and manageable. As to the kitty mess... I'm working on the behavior modification and dietary changes... I can do this!
Day 6 of 60
10:30 AM and I am on my bike with no procrastination. I am getting the hang of this. I have had coffee. Dog must be evicted while I am on it, my desk was setup "enough" the night before, the fans are on and in place. Butt is starting to toughen up. Garmin app is open to show me my heart rate while I ride. Old earphones (not noise cancelling but at least noise blocking) are on. News podcast to be played shortly. I even have an aroma therapy lamp going. Peppermint was my choice this morning.
Partially this success is due to my kitty, who woke me up on time for a 9am call. How he knew what time I absolutely had to be up by after a long night (dad tantrums) I do not know, but I am very glad he gently nudged me with his "soft claw" paws and got me going. I had slept through 3 alarms and would have missed the call. It was a little weird. Human behavior from a cat.
Good kitty! He is worth sticking out an "inappropriate elimination" phase. Go team!
Side note: I bought a stainless steel protein shaker and mixed my coffee with it this morning because the Lairds creamer clumps. It is wonderful. Like an Aussie flat white.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I'll comment on your previous entry as well. It sounds like Wednesday was a much better day than Tuesday...
and you are getting so many things done, go you! so efficient in the AM! i don't get nearly that much done in terms of electronics! :)
Having a hard time getting the whole room to smell though!
Day 5 of 60
9:49pm and I am on the bike as I write this. I know this means it is not cardio... I just need to toughen up my butt for actual bke cardio and build the habit. I like the idea of writing here, which is my release at the same time I ride the bike to build a positive mental association.
I kind of want aero bars to support my arms as I type but that is dumb on a cheap mountain bike.
Yesterday was a marathon and it just kept going when I got home because dad was feisty.
Today I woke up about 8am, and started pre-cleaning for the organizer. Patio scrub and general pickup/dishes. She and I worked on part of the third bedroom and the linen closet. I don't know that we got much done but I do feel better. She comes back tomorrow so we can do the last 6 boxes of mom's papers.
For dinner I made stuffed peppers, a favorite of dad's... I made 4... That's a little over a pound of ground beef, plus breadcrumbs, rice, and tomato sauce. Probably somewhere between $7-8.50 for the ingredients for 4 servings. There were also mashed potatoes. Fed dad before I left about 6:50... Left the other two in a container on the counter to cool before putting them in the fridge.Went to OA... Came home a little after 9 with bread and dessert... only to find he had eaten the 2 peppers that were for lunch tomorrow. I was pretty horrified... That was more than a day's worth of sodium with the sodas and the mayo in the potatoes... plus that much beef is bad for his heart. He had already eaten a huge tub of homemade chicken soup that had salt in the broth... My shock and horror started a big fight because he was humiliated.
So I am happy to be hiding on the bike and writing here.
OA was awful. I don't understand how these meetings help anyone. It is just people beating themselves up for every little thing they do wrong. My share is that I am taking care of my dad and I can't not buy him treats and bring them home because that is deprivation and abuse... but I can't stay out of his treats and they aren't anything I even like. I got stressed out when it was time to talk to people after... This one lady was trying to sell me on participating and being open... I just got stressed and said straight out this conversation is asking me really uncomfortable. I feel pressured I want out of this conversation now and left. It was rude... but I was just so happy to be gone.
So home, on my bike. Alone. So much for trying to be social and part of the community. Augh.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Sorry your daddy ate all your food! - better luck next time, huh!? i'd be upset to as i like to know my food is available and not eaten by someone else when i go looking for it!
sometimes the best thing is to be alone a little, on a bike. I do love my bike :)
I really applaud you for saying you weren't comfortable with the conversation and left. Good for you!!!
Really???? That wasn't super mean and cruel?
Day 4/60
Again I write from the trainer. The stopwatch is running. 20 min minimum. Getting on it today was easy because I had already been to an 8am yoga class and I am mentally warmed up.
Dad was polite to me yesterday and this morning.It scares me because I've often thought it wouldn't kill him to be nice to me, he has aterminal condition, and maybe he's being polite because he is dying dying.
Also, no unexpected presents from the cat this morning. He might be a little backed up.
I picked up a measuring tape this morning so I can check my measurements. If they are anything like my weigh in yesterday (233.4), I am going to be horrified. I was so frustrated at not being able to find my measuring tape from my mom's ancient sewing box, I got a little upset and had "I want my mom" grief bursts all afternoon and evening.
Today is a doctor's appointment and groceries.
Yesterday I didn't cheat or binge eat although I did have a bowl of soup late night, followed by non caff tea.
56 more days. I can do this.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
On some level, I just can't believe my mom is really gone. And now that I am dealing with my dad, I am so sorry I thought all the things I thought. I had no idea what she had to do every day of her life.
Day 3 of riding trainer at least 20 min a day
Used my bedtime checklist, did everything on it, colored all the little squares in green. Today I woke up at 7 with alarm today! Had coffee right away!
Then got sidetracked by cold velcro pets who wanted extra cuddles.You wouldn't have been able to resist either.
Also, there was a fly I couldn't catch. It had to be a superhero bionic fly. GMO?
So today, getting on the trainer only took me 6 hours of procrastination, but I am writing this from the trainer, on my laptop, on the new trainer desk. While I ride it in my jammies wearing water sandals.
I know this is about discipline and mental toughness. Embracing the suck. Eating the frog. Consistency is key.
But waaaaaaah.
More than I rode yesterday which was zero. But I thought about it all day. So I did nothing but beat myself for not getting up and doing it.
So today is better.
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Got dad out for an outing to the dollar store. Just to air our heads... because he's been polite to me for a week and I am less stressed... and I have more bandwidth.
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The cat is in his bed purring and snoring at the same time. He hasn't pooped inappropriately in days. Joy!
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
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Oh my, how shocking that must have been for you!
Good for you for requesting a real date. Proud of you!
The horror... the horror... Nobody wants to know what makes mom and dad tick on that level.
LOL I put it out there, but he didn't say "Great, let's go!"
BearCountryGG on 12/12/2019:
Going through other peoples possessions can be unnerving....Poor cat sounds like he is very nervous. If starting over with ex is in the picture it is a good time to change some rules. Good job!
It's weird what I am finding, but it's an unbelievable amount of junk. I can't believed they prioritized hanging onto all this junk over having fun, friends, and family in their lives.
I think the cat got stressed because I was out of the house for a while yesterday.
I adore my ex, missed him terribly, but if I want to be happy to see him all the time, I need a few tweaks.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/12/2019:
I also was at the dermatologist yesterday, what a coincidence!
PB&J is always tasty, nice you can make it a little bit lighter. i'd like it with a seltzer or something on the side to fill me up, like coffee or tea.
Skin and teeth are what really show age, right?
PBJs are divine nectar of the gods... they can only be topped by... peanut butter and honey sandwiches!