ON HOLD: 60 Day Push: Must ride bike 20 min in AM and for 5 min before eating after dinner.
Day 8 of days delayed on starting this push...
Conting days delayed instead because yesterday I was coughing too much to eat during the day while I was up moving around and then I was up till 5AM coughing my lungs out last night and too hungry to not eat. Thought I was ready but false start.
I have a million obstacles to all the things I want to do in my life but right now I am just focused on what is between me and the bike tomorrow morning (besides this !@#$%^&* cough).
Obstacle 3 to AM bike ride: Burning too much energy too late at night
I was also up too late till 1am cleaning... Which made me hungrier because of the late night energy burn... Then mental fatigue kept me from setting up the bike to ride it before a snack. I had taken it all apart to move the desk hutch next to the bike and hadn't put it back together yet. We have clocks in the kitchen but not in spots that are easy to see. So I bought 2 waterproof stickup clocks for $1.62 each with shipping on Ebay I can put over the kitchen sink and my bathroom sink. I'm sure I have kitchen timers (not waterproof) I can put there while they are on the slow boat from China.
If you are a fan of "The Good Place", my count has just dropped -1,000,000 and I have contributed to the Earth being rebooted.
Obstacle 4: Dog Guilt
I'm not walking my dog even for short walks and feel too guilty to get on the bike and take care of business in the am or pm. I have so little time left with my dog. How can I not use it to make her life full? I end up not getting on the bike or taking her for a walk. We both lose.
I need to do the same thing with the bike desk here... Remove all obstacles. I have a hook set I can put by the door and hang the leashes and dog walk clothes/hat/shoes... I just need to do it.
Clearing a corner of the yoga table to put it there in the meantime.
Obstacle 5: Random Cat Poop Stresses Me Out
See any earlier post on any and all cat drama. Had the watershed moment last night after the rug was clean that I am perfectly capable of changing this cat's behavior. I got this dog to ride on the handlebars of my mom's wheelchair in the rain for multiple blocks. I can handle some pooping.
Logic... The cat does whatever the dog does as long as my pack leader energy level and behavior is consistent. If I fall off routine, the dog defaults to being a dog, but the cat defaults to being... not a dog. I can't handle non-dog behavior. The cat must be trained to do dog behavior autonomously.
Stop laughing... Here are all the things this cat and dog have learned to do:
So, building on strengths and reinforcing pack behavior. Tonight, the cat is going to learn to sit and roll over. The dog will be very much entertained. It will be easier if my dog remembers. It's a toss up. She might do it a couple of times for a high value treat... like hamburger patty. Poor dementia doggie. All that stuff dissapeared around 15... 9 or so years ago.
Random memory flashback... I used to put packs of peanuts and beer in my dog's backpack and send her around the campsite to deliver goodies.
What should I do for my dog's birthday?
I wonder if the cat would like to go camping?
Do do they make cold weather gear and boots for cats?
Would I have to have a litterbox in the tent?
I miss my mom. I wish she was here to yell at me not to take her cat camping.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
60 Day Push: Must ride bike 20 min in AM and for 5 min before eating after dinner. Day 1
Woke up nearly human today. I credit all the zinc lozenges, mucinex, a round with my nebulizer yesterday, and evicting the cat and dog from my bedroom while I sleep so they can have heat. I am hiding in my room before I walk out to all the demanding animals and pets to read and comment here.
Restarting my 60 day challenge today.
I am better enough that I feel ok as long as I don't eat, move, talk, or breathe... So that leaves me with small tasks for getting more organized and removing obstacles.
Obstacle 1: Afraid to go on real walks with dog in case I can't get her home.
Found this on Ebay for $15... So I can get my old dog to starbucks and the park again... I have a blue ikea shopping bag to stick her in if things do not go as planned, but it is hard to carry her any distance on just my shoulder so it makes me not want to go all the way to the park anymore.
Obstacle 2: Need a desk to set everything up on so I can do morning routine on the bike.
How lazy am I???? SO LAZY. My theory is if I put everything that is on my nightstand on a table in front of the bike, it will be the path of least resistance from when the alarm goes off to actually waking up. If it isn't easier to stay in bed, maybe I will get off my ass and onto the bike.
I will move the following items to this desk:
I will also move my dad's old desk hutch by the trainer so that I can put the other items I might possibly need while on the bike, but within arm's reach so there are no excuses!!!!!
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Update: Cat pooped the dining room again. He's not yowling to get out of the bathroom. I think he knows he's better off in there right now.
Caught myself spinnng negative after I ran the spot bot. Just put the leash on him and we are a leash with supervision or bathroom kitty again.
He seems to be fine with this. He's on the pillow next to my head on a blanket.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Next, i hear you in feeling lazy. I am sure you aren't always lazy. I want to say i can empathize with you on feeling that kind of way but i also understand all your obstacles a bit (though i haven't experienced all of them - especially with your dad), but i can understand how it can wear you down. I hope you feel better and can take a breather soon. You aren't lazy all the time at all. So try to see yourself in a better light :)
That bike trainer / wheel holder is awesome. I ended up getting the indoor bike, as you know ;)
interesting idea with the clear envelopes so you can see the papers...
lots of good brainstormed ideas in your entry today :)
Day 6 of bottomless pit of despair
Having a seriously hard time getting motivated to do anything about anything. I just have a whole lot of "give up" in me. Partially it is because I guy I was talking to on JustOKcupid tried to cheer me up with an inappropriate holiday animated gif. If I knew him better... I would have found it funny. Instead it was just creepy and declared him untouchable... Popped my hope bubble.
Spent the day in bed coughing and eating junk food for the 6th day in a row. I'm afraid to step on the scales on Monday. I tried putting on yoga shorts and my middle ballooned out over the top of them like a Macy's Day float.
Slapped myself in the face and put contact paper in one drawer of the kitchen. Changed my sheets and washed all the blanets. Vacuumed the kitchen floor. Made my dad clean up his dishes. Washing my dad's sheets.
Thankfully, even though my dad has the heat in the house cranked up to 80, none of it reaches my bedroom.
Setting my alarm tomorrow. If I'm coughing too much to be in public I will get drive through coffee but I need to leave the house for 2 hours tomorrow and see daylight.
How did I miss that they made a season 5 of "Bosch"?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
My phone keeps subbing "duck" for "sick". Yes, I hate being a duck, too...
I will have to reset my "push" after this head cold passes. I could be a Nyquil ad.
Cat is unhappy with the disruption in service from his human and let me know by pooping in the bed next to me. He has been exiled to the bathroom where he is yowling and scratching at the door. Why did I get a cat?
Canceled doc appt today. Can't do the drive.
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Cold turned into a cough and I napped for a little bit. I had a dream about my mom. I was little, we were on the couch and she gave me a cuddle. I tried very hard to stay in the dream but as soon as I was aware I was awake and it dissipated.
That makes two hugs and a cuddle from the great beyond. Maybe she saw me having a hard time with her cat.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I do believe that loved ones reach out to us in dreams. This has happened to me with 2 people I've lost, with an occasional revisit.
You have a good cat. He's just a little out of sorts right now.
Try to take one moment at a time - maybe next time do not cancel dr until a little later in the day so maybe you will feel better and not cancel it by that time :) just a suggestion bc I feel you wake up and decide right away it’s not a good day but maybe it can improve as the day and moments continue :)
Day 3 of riding before snacking
So far haven't pulled this off, mostly because the late night snacking is happening at night and I am up till all hours. Last night 5AM because:
Annual physical tomorrow. Critical step in putting myself back together and getting back to work.
Fight with dad last night because he announced he wouldn't pay for the cat's dental work and I hadn't asked him to. I identify with the cat, so him saying he wouldn't do it for the cat reminded me of how he wouldn't get me dental work as a kid.
I will work on being a better, less angry person today.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I think your dad May not be able to always communicate effectively with you and maybe don’t take his words to heart anymore
Day 2 of riding bike before snacking.
So far I owe the bike 15 minutes from last night's snacks. Dad wanted desert (made him an ensure blended with frozen mango) which made me hungry so I had cherry tomatoes, then a kaiser roll with butter... and a second roll with butter.
I am seriously considering getting an overbed desk for the bike to put my laptop on.
The way this lady has hers setup looks like a good way to do it... Her TV is on a separate shelf and then her laptop or phone is next to her handlebars. If she added aero bars, she could lean forward and type while riding.
Biggest consideration is that it is not non-tip like the $300 ones I see for bikes... This is $40 and I like the back edge so I can't push a coffee cup onto the floor... Maybe I can find a bracket at a hardware store and screw a broom handle into it for a third leg. There's tons of these out there but I don't see any in people's bike trainer setups. They all have tray tables next to their bikes.
Woke up with a sore throat and body aches. Hope it's just that I forgot to turn on the fan filters and I'm not getting sick.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 1 of 60 days of biking before I snack
This is after midnight... but I wanted to just dump out here... Got into a fight with my dad because I was running around and being a little terse and he asked me what was wong and why I was unhappy and I indulged myself and told him why... I don't know why I did it. I knew his apology would just be a cop out and infuriating. He won't do anything about making amends. All I did was create more stress and drama.
Basically I shared that I am still upset about my birthday 2 weeks later... He said I am sorry you are still upset about your birthday. You have no idea what you do to me every day. When we went I was hungry and tired. I told him that I feel that apology was a cop out.
More today/tomorrow. I did my checklist as much as I could. I'm just turning off the computer and going to bed.
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Dad at least tried calling the meal delivery service today. I was pretty impressed... That would be a huge load off me. I feel like I do nothing but go to the grocery store and I can't get him to eat in a structured way so he is always hungry.
Got dad to a doctors appointment today for leg wraps. He started crying after because mom always took him to do that and helped him when he was using bandages. I wish I had helped her more. The house was so full of stuff I could never think past how overwhelming it was.
My big victory today was figuring out why I wasn't getting any resistance on the trainer, getting on the bike for 20 min, and getting my heartrate up to the 130s for 20 min. My dog was fascinated and kept sticking her head by the pedal and getting knocked in the face the whole time. I think she was remembering when I used to ride my bike and she'd run next to me. Poor old dementia doggie. I luv her.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I see what you're saying about the apology feeling like a cop-out, too. (((hugs)))
Cute doggie! so curious <3
He isn't just trying to hang onto his own life, he's just this side of suicidal and desperately unhappy, and doesn't understand why his life isn't perfect and I didn't turn out as awesome as my cousins did who are corporate lawyers, CEOs, UN leaders... But that all takes a lot of work and we were on the other side of the country.
I'm picking up his habits and following his path and I need to turn that around.
Day 60 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count
I can’t believe I crossed a finish line for anything I set for myself as a goal. I have never managed to do that for myself... I always fell off as soon as I hit any road bump. Just now as I am writing this, I realized that what it was was a simple substitution... Instead of texting my ex or calling him or crying about him... I had to do something from my project plan to make that day count. Didn’t matter what the priority was or if something else would have helped more... I just did whatever my energy was at for handling task complexity. I apologize for the 40 or so days I did not read other people’s logs or respond to comments... I will look and read and pick up my slack. Between my mom’s passing, my dad’s health and drama, complete and total heartbreak over my ex, overwhelm at the sheer total of work ahead of me, I just went down and after it with blinders on for a little bit.
Since my biggest self destructive act right now is eating snacks after dinner, my next 60 day push is just to ride my bike on the trainer for an Alexa 5 min timer before I eat anything after dinner. Not intensely, just lightly to make myself wait and resolve whatever is eating me instead of eating my emotions. I will keep a pair of shoes and a bottle of water by the bike at all times to make this easier.
I celebrated my success and set a goal for the next 60 day push... To fit into an "oversized" Lululemon size 12 rain jacket to replace my disintegrating windbreaker... I had to do it... it was on clearance, it is long enough to cover my butt after yoga, and packs down into a belt bag. No returns... so I have to make it fit.
Bedtime checklist helped me start getting back to a routine today. I woke up, started coffee, got dressed, and got to church (late but I made it). The substitution I need to make is to put a different alarm clock there... It is too hard to reset and hitting any button changes the time. I was up till 2:30 am trying to get my dad to go to bed ao he wouldn’t fall out of his chair and then slept too late. My alarm was my cat who decided enough was enough and I should get up and feed him. Good kitty.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Congratulations on completing 60 days!!!
Hugs. You were the inspiration. Would really have helped me tonight.
Day 59 of 60
Made this morning count by staying on track to get to yoga and coming back to take dad out, no matter what. It was the plan and I stuck to my agenda.
Didn't actually make it out. Dad worked himself up into an anxiety spin over an errand we wee supposed to do together and his breakfast came back up. He spent the day stewing in anger, yelling at me everytime he saw me. I just turned around and went back to my bedroom each time. This, however, meant I made no progress on the kitchen.
All the more reason to work on fitness and self care.
Bedtime checklist super helped. Tonight I put the alarm clock next to the coffee maker so I turn it on faster.
Meeting a friend at church tomorrow. Just braving "all the people" to keep one friend. It's worth it.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 58 no contact and making every day count
Did not make yesterday count. Back strain + binge eating. Muscle relaxer helped today and I slept most of the day. Got up today and cleaned the bathrooms and the patio. Wore myself out again.
2 days left on "No contact". Prepping myself for the phone not to ring on day 61. I do really miss him... Not just having some company... although I miss that too. I miss how much confidence he gave me that I can pick myself up and pull myself together because he's done it for himself so many times... Plus it would have been a happy future to look forward to. He's long gone and probably in a new relationship already.
I deserve a life of my own and someone to share it with, but I feel like I am running out of gas on motivation and vision. Looking at my project plan today at least helped me get out of my own way and dig through more of my dad's papers.
Because I kicked my own butt, I get to say that I made today count by finding four (not just one but four!) essential documents to move myself forward on getting back to work.
I also bought two digital photo frames I can send to mom's friends so they can see photos of things as I go through all her treasures.
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Breakfast: cup of grapes, 1 piece of cheese, water
Snack: 2 pieces of whole grain toast, unsalted butter, coffee, mct creamer, nonfat powdered milk.
Lunch: Leftover chicken stir fry from last night, seltzer
Snack: RX bar
Snack: RX bar
Dinner: Broccoli, sweet potato, unsalted butter, chicken thigh
Snack: grapes, 2 cheese sticks, supplements
Snack: PBJ on wheat
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
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Sounds like the cat will have a good time camping. You are very strong to tote them. You are good to everybody...you Dad, your dog and cat...make sure to be good to yourself, too. Do something special 'just for you'!
Donkey on 11/19/2019:
When the time is right, you will be able to start your biking routine.
Love the cat/dog stories!
legcramps on 11/19/2019:
You are so funny :)
I agree with Donkey, take your time with the biking and when it's time to start, you'll know. Be gentle with yourself.
Horn_of_plenty on 11/19/2019:
with the biking, maybe reduce to 5 minutes in the morning! :)
also, lots of food for thought in your entry. you have a lot you have been thinking about..