Today, my greatest achievement was getting the electricity fixed. Now dad can run his AC and oxygen at the same time without a brown out. I can be out during 12-6 without worrying about him expiring from the heat or falling trying to flip the main circuit breaker all the way on the other side of a fence you have go around the house to get to (we can't put a door in it... code violation).
There was more here... But I deleted it.
I'm just really sad. Called boyfriend yesterday. Called him today. No call back yesterday. No pickup or callback tonight. Just the daily empty texts "Hugs".
Message gotten. I'm single. Ouch.
Tomorrow, I just stop replying. One month from now, I'll see how I feel about deleting his digital trail from my laptop. I want, but don't need, to send a text saying it was nice knowing him and goodbye. Just let it lie.
Assuming he even texts me tomorrow. Why did I spend time with him at all after my mom got her diagnosis?
Give it up to God. The right future is out there.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Body battery: 21
Blah!
Ran my body battery down from 14 to to 5 last night and overslept (7:20am). This means I woke up to The Circus... What used to be my mom and dad in full swing has suddenly turned into a yowling cat and my dad. The cat is just hungry. My dad is both hungry and a ball of massive anxiety from being up alone all night thinking horrible things. Without my mom there, there's nobody to say soothing, positive things to him in the middle of the night or agree that everything is terrible and then say she'll fix it. So he is in full spin by 7AM.
I still weighed in and tried to get out and to the gym... Lost time searching for gym clothes only to realize I couldn't find them because... I had done such a good job of setting myself up the night before. Everything was lined up and ready to go. Doh! By 8am, there was so much traffic, I wasn't going to make it there and back for the bereavement counselor at 10 am (she rescheduled for the 3rd time)... So I went to Trader Joes to restock healthy, easy to grab food. I thought I had a week's worth on Sunday, but I'm already completely out. I have no idea how.
I wasn't really awake yet, had my coffee while I was there, and just shuffled around Trader Joe's in a haze of exhaustion and overwhelm. It was like visiting a foreign land where people are nice to each other, doing nice things for their families, taking good care of themselves and eating delicious things. I just wandered around and around for an hour. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and realized why the staff was eyeballing me funny... I looked like I'd been hit by a truck. My clothes were fine but I've got a muffin top / tire of fat around my middle that I don't remember being there. It's not my pants squishing me... It's upper abdominal fat and it made my top look strange. My hair color is good and not brassy but without a tan (because I haven't seen sun in forever) is too dark for my skin tone. My haircut from the weekend is a huge improvement but I need bobby pins or gel if I put it in a bun for a workout... all the little layers had escaped and were standing straight up from my head like I'd been electrocuted in an old Warner Brother's cartoon. I've got huge bags under my eyes. I had forgotten to floss. There was cat and dog fur all over my butt... I'd only run the roller down the front. I've got rashes on my hands and legs.
Now I am home again and pulling my head together by posting here, refocusing my day... It's on the calendar per OT instructions... It's what I need to do to get my head together, but I always feel bad about doing it... Like I should be getting something done instead.
Things I will do to make tomorrow more streamlined...
Battles can be lost and a war can still be won.
Going to ask the bereavement counselor to help us reboot. I got way off track while sick and recovering from dental surgery.
Grrrrrrr. Get after it.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I can commiserate those sucky days where things can't ever go right. I had a day like that last week. I was on the phone with my phone provider because the internet had somehow been disabled on my phone. While I was talking to the tech, she started telling me how to fix it, and I thought I would be so smart to follow along on my phone while she was talking, and I inadvertently hung up on her when she told me to turn Airplane Mode on. We had a good laugh about it when she phoned me back five minutes later, but in the moment I thought some pretty negative thoughts about myself. It's hard to change our culture of being hard on ourselves in the moment, but I think it's important to at least realize it, and forgive yourself for not being your best that day.
Also, I think I post here to give myself a pep talk... Like a hug!
AM body battery: 14
Stuck to my plan today, no matter what... Hot hot heat... Exhaustion, weepiness... Dad tantrums and him slamming my hand in the door when I tried to hand him the phone (on accident) then freaking out that he slammed my hand in the door (part of aging... he doesn't just laugh it off and it was mid-tantrum so he was already mad)... I just took a break, set a timer on Alexa, breathed "So Hum" till my heart rate went down to 89, pictured the waves on a beach coming in and out with my breath... (guess that yoga class on saturday really stuck with me). And then kept going.
And no bingeing... Because my cooler was packed with cold water raw broccoli and if I wasn't hungry enough to eat the broccoli, I didn't need anything else.
Tomorrow... Same thing.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
especially kudos to you on not bingeing even when stressed.
Second, great visual for the breathing with waves on a beach. I'm going to have to try that.
Third, 100% with the broccoli. This is exactly the thought-process tool that I use to gauge hunger, especially late-night "hunger" -- If I don't want a hard boiled egg or carrot sticks, then I'm not really hungry.
EXCELLENT! (even if it didn't feel like it)
Body battery is up to 29! Incremental progress. I also set up the scale yesterday. Everything synchs to Cronometer, which is pretty cool.
Still debating a $100 blood pressure monitor that would auto log to Cronometer. I have one already but my dad has claimed it as his. He doesn't even use it.
Have been up at 4:30 am fully awake and needing to pee, but able to get back to sleep. Up on time but unplugged Alexa when she was rattling off the prompts because she says them 2x as reminders and it is annoying. I then did not jump out of bed to start doing anything. I think I need to add a routine that says "Hey, it's 5am. Start thinking about getting out of bed.", then starts playing news or something. The prompts will only be said once and that will be less likely to be unplugged.
Have come up with an idea for smoothing things over with dad... A system of points that represent my available hours in a week and how much time I can spend on his stuff, possibly with:
I like the idea of time points better than money because it addresses the issue that he thinks my time is free and disposable and that he should just be able to flake on me and expect me to drop my plans the next day and take him then... and he flakes on me then.
What do you think?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I hope that you post pictures of your weight read-out (up or down, doesn't matter) so that we can see what it does. Again, so cool!
Would the point system be for you or for him? I can see how it could be a useful tool. However, for myself, I'd want something more minimal, like 10 points a day, or 24 points a day (24 hours in a day) or something like that. That might not work for your situation, though.
I’m super glad to hear you don’t think a point sytem is mean!!! I can definitely make it simpler.
Hugs
Good idea though!
Houston! We have liftoff!
Body battery is up to 27! I feel a little human again.
Didn't get to yoga today, but I did pick up the scale and prep some food for the week. So incrementally forward.
Watching "Fatal Instinct" with my dad. What's funnier than the movie is how funny he finds the movie.
Tomorrow, a break from the bereavement group for the holiday. Plan is to do some cardio and shower at the gym, find a Starbucks, and just enjoy being out of the house till it is time to come home and make sure the electric stays on while dad runs the AC. The main circuit keeps getting overloaded and we are having a lot of brownouts.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Body battery was up to 14/100 this morning, but I didn’t feel different. Then I got my moodshifting custom kitty wakeup this morning and found that I did in fact feel better.
There was a slight improvement in my exhaustion level. Went to yoga and got my haircut. 3pm and battery level has only dropped to 10... instead of the 5... I think lower than 5 means you are dead. 10 does feel slightly better than 5.
It was a fight to go to bed at 8-9 last night but worth it. I feel like a jerk for saying no to watching a movie on tv with dad... but I was crawling from chore to chore. 10 means when I came home to take him to the grocery store and it wasn’t going to work out, I went and got food and reset instead of crawling to bed because am chores and attempting to do anything wore me out and drama was the last straw.
Cooler arrived today.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
it's good you are trying to reset...chores can def make a person tired lol...meaning, i get it and that's what they do to me LOL.
it's ok to sleep and not watch a movie. i tend to always sleep instead...but today was more productive thank gosh!
https://www.bicycling.com/bikes-gear/a20050631/how-to-choose-an-indoor-bike-trainer/
I feel like chores aren't very meaningful or difficult work, so they shouldn't make me tired but man... Throw in hot hot heat and it's a wipe out.
I watched part of the movie tonight before I cleaned the kitchen and fed the pets. We'll watch more tomorrow.
Accomplishments yesterday were going to the gym and doing 45 minutes of cardio, going to bed on time, and eating mostly healthy.
BF texted me a photo of ripped jeans... I kind of felt like his mum? I said don't worry nobody probably noticed, Dickies suck, buy Lucky Brand next time, try to get an inseam 1-2" longer than you usually wear, then deleted his texts again. He said he was fine with what he wears. I said as you should be and deleted it again. No texts good morning which is how I know he took offense to the comment. Yes it was a personal comment... But... Sigh. I can't ever do anything right. Super glad I deleted his number out of my phone so I can't easily send a good morning text and start working to get him talking to me again...
I spent my Catalina money on removing impediments to fitness. Empty consolation prize... but hey, worth a shot... Maybe I'll find a new hobby and keep myself distracted.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
good purchases on your Catalina money if you do intend to use them. i am thinking to purchase an indoor bike and/or elliptical. i think i need to do more at home...with less opportunities to skip.
No weigh in this morning. No yoga.
What I did instead of yoga
Last night was really hard... Dad had a full scale meltdown on me from 5 to 8pm when I just gave up and went to bed. He probably was up all night... he was still in monster mode when I woke up this morning so I just went back to bed and watched Netflix... Numb and dumb till 11 and I just had to get out to get my brain jumpstarted... went to the post office and lunch. Body battery reading is interesting... It shows that the extra sleep really helped... Then the high stress on wakeup immediately dropped it, but as soon as I left the house my stress level also dropped.
What I will do to move forward
OT has me working on sleep and timing this week. I need to set reminders on Alexa.
He has a phone call with the nutritionist today. First one... I mailed in his handicapped transport application... I need to make him a couple of appts. If I go home now and tackle it, maybe I can walk the cog before dinner tonight.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
will you be mostly the caretaker for your dad going forward? that's def a lot of responsibility to make appts and attend to him. good that you are responsible for him. i hope you feels better soon too.
enjoy your cog walk! i'm starting to think that even though i don't have any pets, that i may start to get up and walk once my alarm goes off in the morning...or do steps or something! maybe i should get a bike like donkey.
I'm trying to figure out care for my dad going forward. I really can't think through that choice yet. I'm just completely exhausted.
Get a trainer for your current bike... Save space in your tiny NY apt.
Managed to get to the anatomy class last night and it may not be a transferrable class. Aaack! I need to see a counselor. And actually enroll, I guess. Why do I do everything half assed and at the last minute? Oh right. My body battery is stuck at 5%. Which is pretty much how I feel. Completely exhausted and like everything is just too much.
Woke up at 5:30am. Had a hard time getting started. I just couldn’t get my head together to get out of the house... My brain was glitching on “I need more dry erase markers, pill pack bags, the new lunch bag, and to trade that watch in at REI because it won’t track my yoga, meditation or chores... and that’s across town from the gym... and I have the telephone appt with the OT today... How do I commit to a clas till I have that done???” None of these things were impo or essential to get to yoga and cardio... but I couldn’t unstuck my brain so just doing them today to move forward. Ugh.
BF texted randomly last night all the stuff that was going on over the weekend. I think it may have been mansplaining that he had super important stuff going on this weekend and that’s why he flaked on saturday and was rude when I texted on saturday about the book I was reading and he told me to stop sending rapid fire texts he can’t reply to. I said let me know how I can help, told him he was doing a good job, and then deleted his number from my phone again. I don’t want to expend energy on it right now. I have done my best every minute with him since I met him, it hasn’t made it work. It’s about to be Labor Day weekend and if I am in a relationship we should be on Catalina Island together having fun with the Sierra Club campout, sunning and snorkeling... not deleting texts and looking for something to do on Meetup to make the weekend suck less.
One foot in front of the other.
----
Update: Had my telehealth appt with the occupational therapist... She says the Garmin Body Battery reading is probably right if it is taking sleep tracking and heart rate variability into account. I probably can't pull off the class at night if I am getting so little deep or REM sleep and my stress level is so high. I can try, but it's more likely that I won't be able to keep up with the class at all, it will wear me down and keep me from being able to go back to work and the career I already have. She looked at my calendar and then told me I needed to change it around so that I plan on ending my day at 5:30 and making dinner so that I am in my bedroom with the door closed at 8pm "in bed"... no tv, no phone, no electronic screens. I basically need to be Amish until the Garmin Body Battery reading is about 80% when I wake up.
5% is what it says when you are at risk of heart attack or stroke. It just kind of made my jaw drop. Just went all in on the Garmin Scale.
---
Just went through my calendar and cleaned it out according to what the OT said I need to do. No fun things, no classes, nothing that makes life fun... For like 6 weeks. BUT THEN I WILL HAVE FUN!!!!
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
the body battery is at 5% or it says you are at 5%? remember to also use your discretion aside from technological cues lol i hope the battery info isn't just sucking your energy just by seeing it says you are at 5%!
i took anatomy and physiology. it was seriously one of the most intense courses i have EVER taken in terms of memorization. LOTS to memorize for that course.
i think men are different than women. we like to text to discuss things but they like to get to the point. i had a couple people tell me also to stop with all the texts in a row lol.
keep your positivity.
Scale gets here on Sunday. Let the body biohacking begin.
I like what your OT prescribed. Kind of like a re-set?
I also agree with the vintage of the Firehose. Even though the heartburn afterwards greatly 'sucks'.
Most of the fights are about food... he wants pizza, soda, deli meat, frozen dinners... and for some reason doesn’t order anything for himself online. I don’t buy these things because I can’t have them around and I don’t buy them for him because if he gets too much sodium he has heart failure, I started with a nutritionist call today.
If only it came with firemen ;)
No weigh in today.
Why I didn't go to yoga or the gym this morning
Just exhausted and as soon as my eyes popped open at 5:30am I walked into the kitchen and found a million chores to do.
Chores took a long time... I could have done a lot of them last night but I was exhausted from taking dad to the doctor yesterday and it was crazy hot out yesterday.
This morning, instead of going to yoga and breakfast I:
Correlation between mood and body battery...
Interestingly, my Garmin Connect body battery says I am at 5%... and that is pretty much how I feel. Like I can't keep going, I am completely wiped, and trying to do even one tiny thing is too much... And I just want to cry. I'm a bit cranky, even towards the pets. According to the app I can boost my body battery by sleeping, taking a break, or doing an activity.
I am pretty impressed with the accuracy of the tracking and the displays of data. I can't believe I ever bought a Fitbit. It's just so astonishingly better... I am not too happy with the Forerunner 45 so far... It is fairly new so there's no ConnectIQ apps or nylon wristbands available yet... Apparently if I had purchased the Forerunner 245 (+$100) or 645 (+$200), or the Vivoactive 3, I would be happier.
Connected Garmin to Cronometer and am starting to log my calories again. Discovered they've added a bunch of data sources to aggregate a total health picture to their data displays... I might think about a Withings wifi scale and blood pressure cuff to help me get myself on track with a better picture overall. The Withings scale is half what the Garmin scale is.
Research, research... hmm...
Progress towards making life better...
Tonight at 5pm is my last chance to try to crash a basic anatomy class at the local community college. As much as I want to run over to REI and exchange my watch... tomorrow.
Sources of joy today...
So if a certain someone decided to upgrade from her Fitbit to a Garmin, which model would you recommend?
if you need a nap, i'd say take it.
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it is really hard to break away from a relationship and get over a breakup. i think it'd be smart to delete everything about him / contacts. i had to do it once. it hurt...but the only way i got thru was to remind myself that he couldn't give me what i was looking for.
Or worse... Can, did, but now won't.
Donkey on 09/06/2019:
^^100% spot on insight and advice.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh.
legcramps on 09/06/2019:
HoP is right, and that is also what I had to do - twice. So, delete the trail, and leave it up to fate. You will get to where you need to go, and in the end you'll be grateful you didn't let it go on and on without reason.
If someone you feel you are close to can't even talk to you on the phone, or all they send are simple little texts that don't mean anything - they are not invested in the relationship. I'm sorry. You deserve better. You ALWAYS deserve better. Remember that!
Augh. I just did it. Deleted all the texts and pics and happy little memories from all my devices. I feel like I ripped off my ear.
And I know I will be grateful in the future, but right now it's extra hard because I lost my mom and am losing my dad.
grannyannie on 09/06/2019:
So sorry! I know how hard it is when a relationship ends.
TY.