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happy-1 - Wednesday Aug 21, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Weight: Upswing to 226.3, but not stressing about it. Fasting blood sugar may have been high because of dental surgery yesterday and also I waited to check till I’d already been up a few hours and walked the cog (cat and dog), which can spike my sugar. Still, 1 foot in front of the other. I am super proud of myself for jumping out of bed and going for a walk like a productive adult... and for then going straight to the shower and then out to breakfast. I didn’t get sucked into what I used to call “The Circus”. Is it still a circus if it’s one crazy old dad and not both of your crazy old parents? Part of me feels terrible about not sticking around and making him breakfast and showing him love. The rest of me is grateful to be out and getting some daylight.... a healthy breakfast of chicken, beans, broccoli, guac, and corn tortillas... A cup of coffee while I read a book I bought at CVS yesterday called “Take Your Life Back” It is actually pretty good... It hooked me with a discussion of the older brother of the prodigal son who stayed home and did service to his father and then was angry he didn’t have the life he wanted. Food for thought.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 08/21/2019:
Sounding positive today!

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
We can’t control what comes our way, but we can control our attitude.


BearCountryGG on 08/21/2019:
The book sounds interesting...and I understand it completely....been there and done that too. I had to keep a distance at times myself....it wast taking it's toll on my mental health....I'm glad you found some alone time.

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
Yeah. Today I read in it that seeking a different location to do acts of self care (paying bills, taking a bath, etc) is partially about privacy but also getting to “safety” so you can relax and not be always vigilant


legcramps on 08/21/2019:
Hope your dental surgery went well! That book sounds very interesting and sounds like it might be something you needed to read :) hugs.

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
It did! Now I just have to heal up.

Sometimes a piece of the puzzle just pops up.


Horn_of_plenty on 08/22/2019:
Great job being productive and getting yourself up and out of the house. proud of you again!

i don't know many people who walk their cats! you are an exception!

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
He’s just such a great little buddy. He’ll also ride shotgun or sit on my shoulder like a parrot while I do dishes.


Donkey on 08/22/2019:
That is very thought-inducing about the feelings of resentment from the Prodigal Son. In the Bible, he WAS resentful. I can see that bitterness completely taking over someone's life. This is exactly why I pushed my son to start doing something with his life. It's hard to take that first step, but his life can't be about our life (and especially Mr. Donkey, who has so many needs/limitations).

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
Hugs. I’ll post as I read it but I basically highlighted almost every page this morning... totally seeing myself in how they describe the older brother... he is reactive but “reacts in” and denies himself joy, connection, and comfort... then takes pride in his asceticism. They go through and show you how to untangle the knot of being the elder brother



happy-1 - Tuesday Aug 20, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

No weigh in today, I had dental surgery. I found the whole thing phenomenally stressful. The human body is terrifing... It shouldn’t be so easy to pop out a tooth and do things to a jaw. You think your body is solid and firm and then you get a reminder of how fragile it really is. And the office staff was like oh this is no big deal... Aaaack! I get from their perspective it isn’t... but my tooth, my jaw, my body, my life... Eek. 

Soft foods only, no cardio or inversions till monday. My goal for tonight is just to not overeat and get out to walk the pets. Monday I start living at the gym and doing all the yoga I can do on my all access pass. Beyond that... I don’t know. Just trying to put one brick in place at a time. I feel like my first brick is now in place.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/20/2019:
Hope you are feeling better soon.

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Thank you! No pain, no gain!


Horn_of_plenty on 08/21/2019:
feel better - at least you had the dental surgery bc it was needed to protect your health <3

have a nice walk tonight with the pets!

happy-1 on 08/21/2019:
TY! It was a struggle to make it happen out of scale with the effort involved. Dad makes too big a deal over it, and then kept forgetting I am super out of it from the giant abscess. It was drama but I conquered.


Horn_of_plenty on 08/21/2019:
lol, i just know that black is the "favorite" watch color ;) hahaha...did you find it yet??

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
No. It’s disappeared. Maybe a Borrower is getting fit.


grannyannie on 08/21/2019:
Hope you feel better.

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
TY!!! I already feel tons better...


Donkey on 08/21/2019:
Healing thoughts going your way!!! Best to focus on healing now, perhaps.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling like you've completed a brick. That's a good feeling. (I hope you can feel it, too.) Now on to the next brick, when you're ready.

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
Yeah, the question is what is the next brick? What do I focus on next to dig myself out? Spending today catching up on mail. Maybe the next thing will appear... or at least I will have opened my mail.


innerpeace on 08/21/2019:
And don't suck out of a straw!! Not only is the human body fragile, it is disgusting as well. I hope you feel better soon.

happy-1 on 08/22/2019:
Lol. Everything on the planet is pretty much disgusting on some level if you look hard enough. Try to ignore those parts.



happy-1 - Monday Aug 19, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

223.6... not massive progress but moving in the right direction. Which pretty much sums up everything in my life right now.

Cleaning out the pantry and made cowboy cookies using protein powder, pancake mix, and museli. Result was slightly more edible than cardboard... but incredibly filling... and it’s keeping me out of the ice cream bars and white bread I bought my dad.

Bereavement group discussion material today gutted me like a fish. I turned into a leaky snot factory. Classy.

Hot kickboxing boyfriend said he’d be my emergency contact for dental surgery. Which totally increased his “yum” level. 

Was going to go to a movie at the mall. Phone was dying so I charged it on my car and did random life junk... And did the rookie mistake of letting my battery run down. Real women have their own battery jumper kits... and roadside assistance for when tthey took them out of the car to make space for 120lbs of pine pellets... “What kind of horse do you have?” asked the nice lady at the feed store... “No horse, just a tom cat that pees a lot. See you next week.”

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/20/2019:
I also love creating new foodss without a recipe!!! Your healthy cookies sound good to me!! I often buy foods for D that I am able to designate in my mind...that are just for him.....and it helps me stay away from them....could you find a place in a cupboard for foods that are just for your Dad?...Possibly clear a special place in the freezer for him also? Your boyfriends kind gesture was very thoughtful....definately appreciate his caring....very nice!!!

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Right? A new treat I never had before that was hot, fresh, and free in my kitchen.

The ice cream sandwiches are a weakness of mine also. I’m going to try to only buy himone at a time if I have to walk to the drugstore everyday and spend $4 to do it.

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
He said yes because I asked him, but it was a leap of faith to ask him. I got all shakey when I asked.


grannyannie on 08/20/2019:
The cookies sound good and so much better than eating ice cream bars!

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Actually super yummy. I still ate two ice cream bars though


Horn_of_plenty on 08/20/2019:
yes, good job experimenting and having an alternative snack - the cowboy cookies. what made you think of this idea?

little by little is the best way to move, so you sound to be doing well, Happy. keep up the good work <3

also, nobody buys a "neon watch" so you are like most...

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Hunger! Too many odds and ends of packages left over from trying to help mom fight cancer... Cookie cravings... Not wanting to drive anywhere to buy cookies

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
If nobody ever buys neon watches, Why are the Garmin colors so loud and ugly? https://www.rei.com/product/162720/garmin-forerunner-45s-gps-watch



happy-1 - Sunday Aug 18, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

I have a cat on me so I have not yet weighed in. Can’t disturb a happy cat. I have to say though... A big strong tom cat kneading my cookie gut is a huge motivator toget up off my butt and look for my fitbit and then go to yoga.

If garmin turns out to have a “find my watch” feature I would definitely buy one.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 08/18/2019:
Nope, can't disturb a happy pet!

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
Yeah, now I’ve got a happy dog I can’t disturb so I’m checking comments here. At least the dog doesn’t make me get off my phone.


Maria7 on 08/18/2019:
What color is your cat? I love all cats...we have three...

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
He’s black and white with big yellow eyes. He’s a little beaten up but looks a million times better than when he first got adopted. I picked the oldest, most half-dead cat available at the ASPCA event.


Horn_of_plenty on 08/18/2019:
i hope you find your watch! next, i'm glad you and kitty are getting along so well!

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
No sign of it yet. That’s what I get for buying everything in black because I’m too lazy to figure out a colorful wardrobe or do separate loads of laundry. It’s a black watch buried under black bedsheets and black yoga stuff... Why couldn’t I have bought one thing in neon?


BearCountryGG on 08/18/2019:
I picked the oldest one at our shelter too......I so wish they could tell us their stories!!!

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
Aaaaaaaw. Was it because your mom was on her deathbed and wanted a cat, but you’re not really a cat person so you picked the one that you thought might not last very long only to find out he is in great shape, could go another 10 years, and just needed A LOT of regular meals?

Luckily he’s an awesome cat.


BearCountryGG on 08/19/2019:
Happy..........I just so missed having a house pet........but your scenario makes a lot of sense......I think we just needed furry little snugglers....and I'm sure that your kitty comforted your Mom when she needed it the most.....and yes...they definately inhale a lot of food for their size....and after 4 months with this little guy...I stepped on my first wet hairball.....yuck...it's been a lot of years since that happened....LOL

happy-1 on 08/19/2019:
He eats like 5x as much as my dog!!!



happy-1 - Saturday Aug 17, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Ok. Starting over.

Fell off track yesterday and today. Didn’t make dinner so I ended up eating ice cream and bread... like most of a gallon and 3 huge rolls. Never mind that I’v spent the week putting up single serving dinners in advance of dental surgery... Could have had those just got... tired. Lonely.

I feel a ton better after talking to friends yesterday and today, just to say hi. I watched a match with my dad for my 30 min companion time assignment. 

Trying to focus on fitness between now and Sept 15.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 08/17/2019:
What an achievement with your weight-loss. You are very smart to simply decide to start over. With all you have been going through, you deserved the ice cream and bread and happy that you enjoyed it. I know your Dad enjoyed spending time with you with Y'all watching the match together. That was sweet.

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
Yeah, 8 months of “everything is lava and I’m on fire” but I only gained 6lbs total. Now I can work on those and the remaining 60... I can do it.


Donkey on 08/17/2019:
I agree 100% with what Maria said (((hugs)))

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
hugs!!!!!


BearCountryGG on 08/17/2019:
Sometimes you just need to eat what you want...and it usually passes...glad you had some time with your dad...i'm sure he enjoyed that too.

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
trying to improve our relationship and communication


grannyannie on 08/18/2019:
Agree that sometimes you just have to give in. But then start over.

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
I need better cheats... like a night out with a fancy dinner, not a bunch of rolls and ice cream. The things I fall off the horse for aren’t even that good.


Horn_of_plenty on 08/18/2019:
when i visited my friend in florida, she had Alexa in her home. it was amazing for her to use. you can do anything, ask anything! i used it also as a timer for boiling eggs :) she asked it to play music, questions, weather...just awesome!

i had a similar eating situation as you last night. i was very tired and wanted to relax....and all i could do was eat...i ended up taking a sleeping pill to fall asleep and stop the cycle of the night which was leading to eating just for the point of relaxing rather than hunger...also i see you reached for sugary food, maybe you were feeling down and the sugary foods are a common thing we reach for.

happy-1 on 08/18/2019:
Yeah, plus I’m taking gabapentin as a short-term med for nerve pain when I lay down... and I think it’s making me eat at night. I need to get to yoga and strengthen my neck and core and get off it.



happy-1 - Wednesday Aug 14, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

More bad eating, but got back on track at 2nd breakfast.

High anxiety day.  Stayed on course though... Just went home, told my dad I was stressed and needed some time to myself. Set a timer for 30 min. Cleaned my room and set up my desk for success. Still felt stressed, so I set another timer. Now I am logging here and updating my to do list.

And hot kickboxing boyfriend sent me a pic of his butt... tastefully done with clothes on. So framing that.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 08/15/2019:
Cute - butt pic!

happy-1 on 08/17/2019:
It was


Donkey on 08/15/2019:
Anxiety sucks. I like the timer idea. I'm going to try that.

One of my FB friends shared a meme that says, "Your anxiety is lying to you."

Lol on the butt picture! I can appreciate that (grin)...

happy-1 on 08/17/2019:
I’m really liking Alexa. I like flopping over in a mess and saying “Alexa set a timer for 30 min.”


legcramps on 08/15/2019:
I'm glad you carved some time out for yourself. You know you didn't need to do anything with that time, right? Literally you can just stare at a wall for 30 minutes if that's what will calm you down and get you through the rest of the day :)

Hugs. Love the butt pic!

happy-1 on 08/17/2019:
If you say it is ok to lay there and do nothing for 30 min, that sounds great. I can only pull that off at a motel. Everywhere I look I see something I need to do. I stared at a wall this morning and ended up washing it.


BearCountryGG on 08/15/2019:
WE all need time to ourselves sometimes...especially when we are caregivers. I'm sure that when your Dad was raising you...he had his alone time.

happy-1 on 08/17/2019:
He spends most of his time alone. He’s an odd bird.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2019:
i love a nice booty photo when it's clothed. that's nice. ;)

also, good job staying on track and pacing yourself.

happy-1 on 08/17/2019:
So rarely does a guy send a “good taste” anatomy pic... even more rarely one worth framing... Like 3x5 size on a vanity, behind the perfume bottles position for sure... not over the couch... but still worth framing.



happy-1 - Tuesday Aug 13, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

226.6
 
One foot in front of the other. Made it to yoga on Sunday. Tonight I get off from parent care and will pay bills and sort out receipts. I'm so overwhelmed by the house it is too mentally parallyzing to really accomplish anything cognitive. I can do household chores, surf the web, straighten out my calendar, but anything that requires focus... I need to be out of the house.
 
Having a lot of problems with late night eating. Last night I ate 2 cupcakes, 10 corn tortillas, shredded cheese. Partially because dad ate lunch late and so he wasn't hungry so I didn't make dinner... And ended up eating junk instead. I need more ready-to-eat healthy meals packed for myself.
 
Feel like I am waking up from a haze and everything is a mess. Starting with putting myself back together. Getting a haircut this weekend... Finally happy with my hair color. Bought a couple of clothing items to be presentable in for summer heat... I still need to lose 50lbs so I don't want to buy a lot. Nothing major, just so that I can go to bereavement groups and church stuff in hot weather without looking like a hot mess. A lipstick, 1 casual tank, 1 dressup tank, 1 skirt, 1 cardigan, 1 belt. Debating a dress, but I think it is covered with the skirt.I feel like I already bought too much with the 3 pairs of workout capris and 5 sports bra tanks I bought to be presentable while doing hospice chores for my mom when the home health folks came over.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 08/13/2019:
Good you went to yoga.

My biggest challenge is avoiding snacking at night, especially watching tv.

happy-1 on 08/13/2019:
I get too hungry at night to sleep


Donkey on 08/13/2019:
Oh I meant to comment on your last entry about signing up at the la-dee-dah gym for yoga classes. Isn't it NICE to be at a swanky gym? Nothing wrong with the bare basics, but it's just very nice to get pampered - even it's just by the atmosphere alone.

Oh late night eating is so hard! That is how I gained the weight 2nd-to-last time. I'm not sure I have a solution. I still struggle with it daily - yes, DAILY. (Or should I say, "nightly"?)

On the other hand, I did it because at that time, it was the only thing that would help me feel momentarily better about anything. I was truly despondent during this time, and if I wasn't sleeping or wanting to jump in front of a moving train, to find some solace in late night food while watching comforting TV shows -- well, better to do that than drive myself to the train station.

happy-1 on 08/19/2019:
I’m there with you on both. Trying to redefine emotional eating as the healthiest thing on the menu even if it is more expensive. Then I see oreos for $1


Maria7 on 08/14/2019:
Good that you are taking care of yourself, getting some nice clothes, etc. One foot in front of the other...Take care.

happy-1 on 08/19/2019:
Hugs. Get up. Dress up. Show up. Never give up.


Donkey on 08/14/2019:
^^^Maria is right! Take care of yourself in a healthy way.

happy-1 on 08/19/2019:
Mirror mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up after I fall. Whether I run, walk, or have to crawl, I’ll set my goals and achieve them all.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/14/2019:
like you, i focus wayyyy better working OUT of my house. totally understand! (except i do exercise now at home - but it's interrupted with chores and other household tasks which is how i prefer it, actually!)....but other stuff, i do better in public places - especially studying.

you have a lot of emotions going on and it sounds like you are doing pretty darn well despite it all. keep your head up, smile, and know you are capable always. keep on happy. we are rooting for you!

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
who doesn’t have a lot of emotions going on? nobody I know :)

Hugs, ty for rooting for me. I’ rooting for you too.



happy-1 - Sunday Aug 11, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

226. Glad I posted my last low weight here. It helps bring me back to the world.

Getting back on track after a loss I am not ready to talk about yet, and may not be for a while. Trying to just focus on health and fitness to go off the rails. Last week I got back to clean eating. This week I am trying to build on it by getting moving again.

Efforts:

  • I made my first meal plan on my new menu wipe off board and started putting up single serving meals for my dad so I can keep his tempting junk out of the house.
  • Today I booked a yoga class at a swanky gym on ClassPass, then I will go to church later.
  • Trying the 5pm service because it’s just too hard to deal with that many people before I have attacked my day... But I have to rejoin the world. I wish I was someone who liked large groups of people and small talk. It is something I tough out in order to meet one or two people I like.

Obstacles:

  • I still can’t find my fitbit, but I may not be able to until I move furniture around.
  • Gabapentin is making me overeat, but I need yoga to kick in and reduce nerve pain before I can quit it.
  • Dad is jonesing for junk food and we are getting into huge fights when I try to go to bed and then I am up till 2am. He’s also not respecting the closed door rule for not knocking or waking me up... so I’m exhausted. We are headed to a support group tomorrow and hopefully that will help
  • Boyfriend is acting weird. I feel like I am waiting to get dumped but I can’t tell if that is real or just in my head. We tried to have a fun weekend last week and it didn’t go well

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/11/2019:
Good to see you back but sorry about your loss.

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Thank you. Hugs.


Donkey on 08/11/2019:
Glad you are back -- I'm sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

I too wish that I were more extroverted. An extrovert once told me that she loves a large group, the more the better. !!cringe!!

Junk food is like a drug -- maybe it's all the chemicals in it (not just sugar, because salty snacks are just as bad), but if I allowed myself some, I'd go right off the deep end). [Insert photo of car driving off a coastal cliff]

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
If you offered me time with a large group or a dip in battery acid, I’d have to take the amount of battery acid into my decision.


Horn_of_plenty on 08/12/2019:
I am very sorry to hear of your loss, Happy.

It is good to have you back here :) I also am NOT an extrovert. I also prefer 1-2 people, so you aren't alone.

would you ever just dump boyfriend before he even tries to dump you? or perhaps my comment is not very well thought out!?

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
Thank you.

What if we all hung out, but we all prefer 1-2 people... would we have to have a multi room setup?

happy-1 on 08/20/2019:
I’m not making any major decisions till after Nov 1... and that’s a major decision. There’s also something to be said for just taking a deep breath and seeing what happens if you let something have space.


legcramps on 08/12/2019:
So sorry about your loss, I hope you are managing okay. It's good to hear from you.


innerpeace on 08/12/2019:
Prayers for you for strength and courage and patience. I'm glad you posted and are well despite everything else.


Maria7 on 08/13/2019:
Praying for you and your Dad. Hugs to you.



happy-1 - Wednesday Jul 17, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

219 a couple of days ago... Before DBC (Dad's birthday cake).

Back on the horse. One foot in front of the other. Dad's birthday cake has been consumed. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/18/2019:
Been there, done that. I know exactly from where you post (figuratively speaking).

Today is a new day.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/18/2019:
I am quite sure that cake tasted SO GOOD as you tasted it...after that, like you say, back on the horse!

i'm always disappointed with baked goods and treats with sugar. they taste great, yes, but then i just get a sugar high and then low and never satisfied. i always find it wasn't worth it! unless i'm just taking a taste or like a bite, that's always worth it! but a whole piece or slice, just seems a waste of my calories because it is only satisfying me in the moment and then i just deal with later cravings and more issues later after having it! (my whole spiel on cake!)



happy-1 - Friday Jul 12, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Finally got out to a doctor today but had problems with the caregiver agency... the caregiver bailed for her own emergency. Nobody let me know. They were alone for 7h. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2019:
I'm glad nothing happened during those 7hours! I still can't believe nobody notified you :(.


Donkey on 07/12/2019:
That is inexcusable. AWFUL.


BearCountryGG on 07/12/2019:
Unbelieveable...if you can't rely on the agency then who can you rely on???? Somebody needs to get into trouble for that one!! Emergencies happen to everyone...but they are supposed to be reliable enough to call the agency and the agency should have called you if they couldn't find someone to take that place.



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