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happy-1 - Saturday Mar 10, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Quiet rainy day. Massively overslept and woke up about 11 after going out to a rollerskating thing with the church group. All plans cancelled due to rain so I am taking the opportunity to just chill at home and reset today. Detox and destress. so far today I have tidied up, run a few errands. Now I will make dinner and work on paperwork while watching Hulu.  I'm going to focus on refining my habit builder routine and pushing through my routine /trackers starting Monday. Get to bed by 9pm.

Grrrr. Get after it.


Splurged on a pair of flat sandals to go with dresses since my black sandals are on their last gasp. Had to make the minimum for free shpping so I also ordered a pair of crocs for use as camp shoes because my current crocs are mayjanes and don't protect the bridge of your foot and are also too small. I feel weird buying these when unemployed, but I also feel like I am falling apart.


Bestime meditation

Gratitudes - 1) that i am whole, home and healthy and could put dinner on the table for my parents tonight. 2) that Krystal got back in touch, hung out last night, and is down to do a wine thing next week, 3) that the roof over my head is sound this rainy night, 4) that my nightmares last night that I became an un person and disappeared unrecognized by fam and friends wasn't real and I can change it

Obstacles: tooth pain and headaches - emailed dentist, mom giving me a really hard time - left the house today and will stay out tomorrow, exhaustion- probably dental, but will keep an eye on it

heroic battle tomorrow: get up early, weigh in, hit 99 cent store for bottled water.get to church, see if they do brunch, get coffee otherwise and work on stuff. No way it doesn't rain tomorrow too.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/10/2018:
Years ago I rollerskated a lot...loved it...miss it now.

happy-1 on 03/13/2018:
Super fun. If I have cash after this dental thing I will get myself some rollerblades.

Donkey on 03/11/2018:
If you need shoes, it's ok to spend money to get them... but I get what you mean.

I hope you were able to get up this morning in a timely manner. It was really hard for me. Stupid turning the clocks back...

happy-1 on 03/12/2018:
Hugs. Yeah... I bought 3 pairs... more running shoes because when one pair gets wet I need a second pair or I miss workouts. Crocs as new camp shoes. Sandals because my shoe repair guy says he's repaired my other pair so much he can't stitch the leather back anymore.

But I had already bought canvas shoes with no laces that I have wanted for years and a tank top and a pair of shorts... So in total it is a big splurge when not working... But also need some smaller pants... Just feel like it is snowballing.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/11/2018:
you sound productive despite sleeping late...and i'm glad your nightmare wasn't true too...

i'm happy to go to bed early...clocks...

and i'm happpy to have woken up "late" bc of the clocks...i figure i can eat more in less hours ;)

happy-1 on 03/13/2018:
Neil Gaiman writes fairy tales for adults, but he bases them on our deepest most stomach turning anxieties. I can't stop though... obsessed.

happy-1 - Friday Mar 09, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Apparently i was super tired... slept 9.5 hours according to Fitbit. Teeth still hurt.neck

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 03/09/2018:
lately i sleep like that all the time...i love it :)

happy-1 on 03/13/2018:
TY! Hugs.

bearcountrygg on 03/09/2018:
Hope the pain issue improves.

happy-1 on 03/13/2018:
TY! Hugs.

trishpiglet3 on 03/09/2018:
Sorry to hear you're in pain :(

happy-1 on 03/13/2018:
Ty! hugs.

Donkey on 03/10/2018:
Not good -- I hope you feel better soon. Gotta get to the dentist. Can a numbing agent like Orajel or Sensodyne help? I often rub Sensodyne toothpaste on my teeth to help against sensitivity/pain.

happy-1 on 03/11/2018:
Rum helped ;)

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 08, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8


Bedtime meditation habit.

3 things I am grateful for. My edd caseworker who really worked to help me figure out what I need to do. Sometimes government workers really work hard. That my parents are there and afterwards I could just crawl home to take a nap for the rest of the day. That my dad is feeling better. He woke up sick this morning.

Take pride in the things you did to improve your fitness today. I did not do much. I did do two meals on track but felt weird all day so not much else happened. Haven't worked out this week at all.

Think about your obstacles and how to overcome them. I felt like crap today so I just went to bed early and drank a bunch of water. Tomorrow I will get up early and get out for breakfast. Obstacles are getting sucked into drama and not feeling well enough to work out. My body is a cranky toddler that wants a snack and a nap... all the time.

Think about how you will work heroically tomorrow. I will get up early and walk my dog. I will try my simply fit board. I will go to corner bakery and work all day and then go to the debtors anonymous meeting. I don't have a ton of debt but they are all about getting your life together. Maybe it should be ****s anonymous but aa is already taken.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/09/2018:
I too am glad that you have a place to lay your head......there is a lot to be said for that....

horn_of_plenty on 03/09/2018:
Yes, it's important to stay positive and plan for the next day...I'm working on this too, not giving up.

Still working to raise my current levels of cardio and still planning to improve all around!

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 08, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Grateful today for this community and having a place to put my struggles.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

trishpiglet3 on 03/08/2018:
Grateful for you being here

bearcountrygg on 03/08/2018:
I'm glad you feel comfortable doing that...

horn_of_plenty on 03/08/2018:
we're glad to have you...seems we all do have some struggles.

Donkey on 03/08/2018:
I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're here. And I give you props for putting it out there, good and bad. "Be true to thine own self..." You live that, and I think that's why I like you :-)

happy-1 - Wednesday Mar 07, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Doggie did her job this morning and woke me up at 5am but my whole body hurt so I went back to bed and woke up at 7:30.

I hadn't done the 10 minute tidy up before bed in a few days so I stayed home and did some tidying up while I waited for my advil to kick in and let me run about today. Mistake. I clearly remember thinking... It doesn't matter how much you hurt and that the house is a wreck. Just get up and get out. You need to do your edd papers to apply for funding but I stayed home instead and got pulled into parents morning drama. Now it is 12 pm and I need to reset.

Also frustrated because my tops are all too big for me and show my bra or feel uncomfortable... Like I am trying to do hard things and having a bunch of extra cloth shifting around doesn't make that any easier. I think I am like a size 14 now.  I'll just take whatever doesn't fit and put it in a bag for now. It might mean I end up with like 2 outfits... But at least they will be outfits that fit. I might also need smaller underwer which will be a shopping trip for sure because underwear that slides around always pokes out and that never looks good. I probably also need a spare pair of black sandals.


I have figured out what to do with all the boxes of frozen waffles my dad has been bringing home. Take out 2, toast and slather in margerine.. take 1 bite and give the rest to my dog. She's the only one in the house who is allowed to eat the simple carbs he buys.


7 pm - Head pounding all day. Gotta get paperwork done tonight.


Alarm set. Bedtime meditation.

3 things I am grateful for today. My dad because he asked what he could do to make my daybetter. My mom for coming out when I started to panic over paperwork and asked her just to come out and keep me company. UDG for calling me and making me laugh for a couple of hours. My dog for curling up next to me when I started crying because I texted my ex and he is being a butt.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/07/2018:
I'm having baggy clothes issues too.....it's what we wanted...don't forget that!!!!

happy-1 on 03/07/2018:
I will remember it the next time my pants fall down in the Costco parking lot.

bearcountrygg on 03/07/2018:
Oh no...in that case...Maybe you should pick up a smaller size....!!

happy-1 on 03/07/2018:
Yeah... i am trying to be frugal but maybe a new pair of pants :-p

trishpiglet3 on 03/08/2018:
It is a mixed blessing, especially since clothes can be costly. Belts! Belts can be useful. x

bearcountrygg on 03/08/2018:
Or you could try goodwill....just pick up a couple of inexpensive pairs......flashing the too big undies could get you arrested...LOL

happy-1 - Tuesday Mar 06, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Went to dentist. Tooth might be split laterally. Supposed to go back in 2 weeks in case I need a crown. Ow!!!!!

So tired like I ran a marathon. Sitting in corner bakery while traffic dies but too mentally wiped to do any work


Bedtime meditation

3gs: 1) that i made it home in 1 piece. 2) that i am not a dude because my dog punched me in the nuts location when she did her happy dance tonight, 3) that she ate canned food no fuss tonight, 4) that my sink repair held one more day, 5) that dropping into bed and covering up discouraged my mom from trying to get into details about my dental thing and I can just go to bed.

Take pride in my fitness efforts: 1) i got up at 6 today with my alarm. 2) I wrote down all my meals. 3) I went through with my dental appointment and toughed it out, 3) I missed my conditioning hike tonight because I was wrecked but I will wake up early and walk my dog and workout tomorrow night.

Obstacles: plumbing, parents mess in kitchen and bath, tired, traffic, fears of dentist

Visualize how heroically you will work tomorrow: i will finish edd papers tomorrow afternoon

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

trishpiglet3 on 03/07/2018:
I love reading your updates and high 5 you for your perseverence through some very difficult things. Especially the dentist!

What dog do you have? I adore dogs but we aren't allowed any in our building

happy-1 on 03/07/2018:
She's a 50lb 18yo mutt that's sort of brown, yellow and white. She's my BFF.

horn_of_plenty on 03/07/2018:
i hope the best for your tooth! :)

bearcountrygg on 03/07/2018:
I'm happy to see that you are keeping up with your meditations......they seem like they are calming.

happy-1 on 03/07/2018:
One can only hope. 21 days to build a habit and change an attitude.

happy-1 - Monday Mar 05, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

232.6. Normal weight fluctuations.

Forgot to wear fitbit to bed last night. Got up about 9, but didn't get to my am habits because I was out last night and didn't do bedtime habits... so lesson learned.

Home today tidying up and helping my mom work on plumbing for tge bathroom because the chaos of the in omplete project is driving me up the wall.

Also aggravated with my dog because the foot scratches she gave me are infected and they hurt, so now I have to see a doctor. She does this pawing thing when she wants attention and I have two big slashes on my foot. She is currently exiled to the back patio while I do chores because I can't think clearly and that's when she escapes out the front door or destroys something... an hour on the patio will keep me sane.

Also frustrated because I think yoga dude isn't into me. Ow. I will regroup today and attempt to go on a conditioning hike this evening. Shake it off.


Didn't regroup. Stayed home cleaning and screwing with plumbing. Lesson learned. Always leave the house for coffee as soon as my eyes pop open.

Bedtime meditation habit

3 things I am grateful for: 1) that the program molly and I picked is fundable. 2) that I am in bed early and can try again tomorrow. 3) that I pulled it together to order a replacement door mirror for my car. 4) that I can go to the dentist tomorrow for a cleaning and get my teeth looked at and maybe get an end to these headaches. 5) my parents, even though they are impossible without them I'd be screwed.

Things I did to improve my fitness today. 1) That I am in bed early so I can go see my dentist tomorrow. 2) I bought replacement and repair parts for things that are broken that steal time and energy from being on track with food and making it to my workouts... A second pair of running shoes, a valve for my camelbak, a new driver's side mirror for my car,  3) I was massively off track so I just went to bed early at 8:30. Cut my losses. Tomorrow is another day. 4) Getting ready to see my dentist tomorrow.

Obstacles. Getting sucked into plumbing drama. Mom's obstinate refusal to go to bed wen the timer turned off the TV. Splitting headache from dental problems. Tomorrow I will overcome them by leaving the house as soon as I wake up and going to the dentist. Then I will go from there.

Tomorrow I will work heroically by going to the dentist, working mo my edd paperwork, and straightening out a flea control purchase at van nuys costco on the way home.




Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/05/2018:
You can get back on track.....hope you make it to the hike.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/05/2018:
Don't let yoga dude make you feel down on yourself :)

i hope your foot gets better...

and hopefully you'll get back to routine soon...maybe when you start a new job it will be better bc you'll be forced to be up on time :) like me!..although for the first time in my life, i'm not functioning well so early in the AM (have to be at work at 7am) and i am most often 5min late.

happy-1 - Sunday Mar 04, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Weight loss!!! 229.8 lbs this morning. Just a fraction of a pound but it moved me into the 220s. Biking to services this morning. Although love and employment elude me, I am controlling the things I can control and seeing the effects.


Omg, actually did it. Biked to services. I had the apprehension and fear gurgling somewhere in my lizard brain at the idea of doing new things... a) biking somewhere when I am old and fat and nearly dead, b) going to 9 am anything, c) going to services with religious people, d) biking back again when it would be warm out and yucky... but I guess the bedtime meditation habit kicked in because I embraced the suck and got myself out of bed and went... a little late. But I did it. There and back. And then I walked my dog in the sunshine... a nice warm sunny day and she got to say hi to doggie neighbors. And I am actually on time to meet molly for hanging out and work on edd stuff.


Bedtime meditation habit

3 things I am grateful for 1) that the service was nice and there were two nice ladies to say hello to. 2) molly, for giving up part of her weekend when she hasn't wanted to hang out with me lately to pick an edd program that might help me and for offering her couch because the one we picked was down by her. 3) that guy drama is something that dissipate a overnight if you just delete their numbers and put them out of your head. 4) my parents because without them I would be screwed. 5) my dog, who is ancient but dances like a puppy when I come home and for walkies, and curls up next to me every night. 5) that molly is going to try a circuit training class tomorrow.

Take pride in the things I did to hel improve my fitness levels today. I went to bed on time and got enough sleep. I had packed my oatmeal for the am. I had bought gear I would be comfortable with over many years like bike shorts, a long tshirt dress, neon windbreaker, saddle bags, a cheap camp bike and a helmet so I was prepared for my bike ride. I actually went on the bike ride. I did bot cave on any of the junk food at the church breakfast. I walked my dog twice for extra steps. I had all healthy meals except for my ramen and a brownie and a beer. I am home and in bed on time so I can struggle forward tomorrow.

Overcome my obstacles. Today I didn't have many obstacles except for plumbing problems and a cut on my foot that is infected. Tomorrow I will get first aid stuff for it and make my mom help with plumbing.

Visualize how heroically I will work tomorrow. Tomorrow I will get up with my alarm at 5 and walk run my dog. I will take all my stuff down to coffee bean and work on stuff till it is time for the sierra club conditioning hike. I will work on edd papers for the training program and certify for benefits. I will work on Pete's site and try to finish the nutrition page by the end of the day.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

trishpiglet3 on 03/04/2018:
You are awesome! *applause* just going wow here at how far you have come

happy-1 on 03/05/2018:
Thank you. Tiny progress every day mounts up over time, like water on stone.

bearcountrygg on 03/04/2018:
So exciting to drop into another group of numbers....YEAH YOU!!!

happy-1 on 03/05/2018:
RIGHT? Only two groups till one-derland.

bearcountrygg on 03/04/2018:
Congratulations...you just did something you thought you might not be able to do....!!!!!

happy-1 on 03/05/2018:
Right?????? Just need to shake it off, put on my big girl pants and go for it.

Maria7 on 03/04/2018:
Congratulations to you! :-)

happy-1 on 03/05/2018:
Thank you!!!!

Donkey on 03/04/2018:
WOOT WOOT!! <- That's a double woot, one for the new weight number and one for biking to church.

bearcountrygg on 03/05/2018:
You are doing great things!!!!!!

trishpiglet3 on 03/05/2018:
I love the bedtime meditation habit.

happy-1 on 03/05/2018:
Supposedly it rewires your brain to be happy and more productive if you do it for 21 days. At least it knocks me out.

horn_of_plenty on 03/05/2018:
congrats on keeping on and getting into a new low of #'s....great job!

also like donkey says, nice job on the biking too :)

happy-1 - Saturday Mar 03, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 230.4


 And turns...

Yoga dude was a fun hang. We had a super fun session under a gazebo in the park in the rain with my dog. Hands down the best fun I've had in years. Since he did yoga, I bought breakfast. Hopefully he'd like to see me again. I don't know yet. Fingers crossed.  I hope, I hope, I hope. I don't know why this is churning me up so much except that he is a dude I could respect and I'd really like him to like me too. Even if it is just friends. Something. Anything.I would really like to have a friend who is a fun hang.

"No more bad dates" dude was a bust. This was kind of like an orgy... Nice to be asked to join his company but I don't want to go. I sat there for 4 hours listening and then had to explain to him that he doesn't have a business or a product... If he can't explain in one sentance what the value add of his service is, nobody will pay for it. Basically he wants to create a dating site where you go in and answer a few dealbreaker questions and create a profile. Later if you meet a paying member ($150), they can look you up and see what your answers to their deal breaker questions are. I asked "Why wouldn't I just ask my dealbreaker questions on a date?" he said because you might not want to ask. I said in order for me to believe that people don't ask deal breaker questions, you need to do a paid survey of 5,000 single Americans ages 25-35 and have at minimum 20% say they are uncomfortable asking dealbreaker questions within the first three dates. But that if you are in that age range and afraid to ask deal breaker questions... you don't need an app, you need therapy.

Anyway, the combination of the two hangouts has me spinning in anxiety. Maybe I'll never find a job. Maybe I'll never find love. Augh.


Texted my ex just to say hi and see how his day was. He doesn't want to communicate anymore.


Bedtime meditation habit.

3 things I am grateful for today. 1) My parents. Without them I'd be really screwed right now. 2) That Molly picked up when I called tonight and UDG texted back. 3) That I had a good date with someone I liked a lot. It was just nice to talk and laugh with someone I liked a lot. 4) that molly went to piyo today.

Think about how you worked to advance your fitness today. I did yoga and although I succumbed to my dad's waffles, i was on track otherwise.

Think about what obstacles you need to overcome. Loneliness. Panic. Exhaustion. Procrastination. Plumbing problems.

Think about how heroically you are going to work tomorrow. I will bike to church at 8am and back again. Then I will go meet Molly and work on my EDD stuff. I will pack my oatmeal for the week and aet up coffee.

One good thing you did for someone else. I tried to help that guy with his startup but that didn't go well. I made my parents dinner. I sent pete a comp for the homepage of his site.

Progress as of today: 77.6 lbs lost so far, only 50.4 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/04/2018:
Your post just made me so happy!!!!! Love that you met someone that you like...and Love your Bedtime meditation habits.......

Donkey on 03/04/2018:
I'm glad the yoga dude turned out to be OK -- better than OK! I hope that you can get together with him again, even if it's as friends... for now at least.

Good news to hear about your friend Molly! Does she like PiYo? I love that we have these new options in exercise for people to consider - especially for those who don't like the usual exercising (walking, jogging, oof).

I think you did very well for yourself today - HUGS!!!

happy-1 - Friday Mar 02, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 230.4

The world turns...

UDG says he has gone 5 days without eating fast food or splenda... I'm proud of him. He says it is day 3 of the work week and he has all his meals packed for the remainder. His mom is helping him out by making him eggs and a few other things.

The meeting with the case worker for the EDD was better than I expected. She suggested a business management program that might actually help.  She also helped me figure out which programs I might be able to apply for funding for I have a lot of homework to do this weekend. Karma. I guess the only person that would have been affected by the school pulling a fast one is her... it wouldn't have been caught till the end of the year and then would have been pulled out of the budget for the agency. No more coffee or donuts... or worse.

Tomorrow AM I am meeting up with a seriously weird dude off of OKC. It'll either be a disaster or a bag of fluffy puppies. He's taking yoga teacher training and is going to give me a free lesson. Picked a park with a gazebo in case of rain. He will probably touch me inappropriately.

Went to a "No more bad dates" meetup last week and found a data quality analyst turned entrepreneur who is trying to start a dating app. I fixed his business model and tagline for ****s and giggles as Coffee Bean was closing then stood out in the rain to finish it out for him. Figured karma would do me a good turn for helping someone who really, really needs it. No normal human being understood what he was talking about because he asks data quality questions instead of talking like a normal human. He texted me today to see about making me an offer. I didn't realize he was that far along. Hanging out with him on Saturday to do a little coworking. 

Making it to my fourth scheduled event this week tonight. There may be some hope for me after all.

Maybe my habit tracker is working?????  Bringing me into alignment? I have made coffee almost every morning at least and have made my way through a bag of the worst Starbucks coffee ever. Vile nasty stuff. Tomorrow I get to open a fresh can of a fabulous coffee from Trader Joes called a pinon roast. I can't wait.



Meditation Habit Builder...

3 things I am grateful for... my dog ate a can of dog food I needed to use up but was saving for a night I could not keep going. That she tried to get me up at 5:40 am this morning but I couldn't do it... i think I got to bed at 3. Still she tried her doggy best and I managed to wake up in time to get to the edd with her help. I was stress-crying this morning... when there isn't anything particularly wrong but you are just so tired you can't face doing more. She normally hides or ignores me but today she came over and curled up by my side and gave me the extra good cuddles with eye contact till I felt better and could drive. I said thank you and I swear she understood me

I take pride in my efforts to improve my fitness levels today. I did not work out, but I tried to keep meals mostly healthy.

Obstacles I overcame today were fatigue and exhaustion. I stayed out and did not get sucked into home drama. I fought procrastination and did Pete's site a little. I was sad yesterday and today because my ex asked me if his card came yet and it hadn't but today I put it out of my mind.

I will fight valiantly tomorrow to continue to struggle towards a place that is green with my dog, kin, and a big garden.

Progress as of today: 77.6 lbs lost so far, only 50.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 03/03/2018:
Sounds like you've had quite an eventful week! You lead quite an active social life!!!

Donkey on 03/03/2018:
Love the Habit Builder! IDK, I think the weird dude sounds interesting. I'd love to be training to be a yoga teacher.

What is UDG? I forget...

I hope you have a pleasant weekend! Or at least interesting :-)

bearcountrygg on 03/03/2018:
I love the habit builder idea too...in fact it spurred my digging out my day planner and getting busy entering chores to do.

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