Scale says 225.6... So why do I feel skinny? Time to take some measurements. I will have to buy a new measuring tape... last one tore.

Had an “old me” level of productivity yesterday... not on the level of the old me who went to college on her own dime, worked her way through school, and started businesses... but the “old me” who just told anxiety and panic to shut the **** up and handled it. I guess I am still in here after all and the OT is giving me the right track. Makes that $350 neck specialist she wants me to see sound a lot less expensive.

I forget how many days I was at yesterday without neck pain (although I wouldn’t say pain free, just bearable and not overly distracting. I have had to lay down each day at about 3pm to rest my neck)... But it kicked back in yesterday because I sat and did paperwork while at lunch and had my head tilted down..Thought I was going to lose my mind. Luckily I had already planned to go to restorative yoga with this instructor I really like off Classpass and had my yoga stuff ready to go... because I had that as a to do item in my new habit tracker for the night before. It was an amazing class, just like last time... and I really, really like her style. She gave me lots of corrections this time and I just felt amazing after. I teased her a little and asked her when she’s releasing her DVD. Anyway, the class was so fantastic, I am now on a mission to buy yoga blocks, the looped therapy strap, and a bolster like she uses in her class. Next time I will have to remember to ask her if there are any DVDs she likes so I can do it at home in betwen.

OM.

Calm, sleeping dog at my feet who very much appreciated her chicken thighs last night. There is a good sale on and I bought boneless skinless chicken thighs for doggie dinners to make up for her... pushed myself to go after yoga and didn’t get to bed till midnight, but it’s all worth it for my dog.

Still had a better night than puppet dude, whose cpap machine broke and he was too scared to go to sleep because he chokes in his sleep without it. He talks about all this weight he lost like it’s a massive amount but it’s apparently only 35lbs and not enough to make a difference yet. He found his old one this morning... I feel for him and I also feel like he lives in self-induced chaos at the same time. Claustrophobia, my friend. You’ve come to visit me again.

OMMMMM...

Ok... gathering myself for today. putting brain in order. I had the brainstorm of using little yellow postit notes to organize all my fluttering thoughts, then selecting the ones I need to work on and arranging them on a page. I then put the page in a plastic “project folder” so they didn’t fall off and took it around with me to do things. So easy. How did I never think of that before?

—

Evening update. I did not have the physical endurance to do the meal prep I attempted to do today. I started cooking about 10am and thought I would be done by 12pm. Actually took me till 6pm. I kept having to lay down and rest my neck, or it got too hot, or I got overwhelmed by clutter. I did finish the pantry reorg and pulled out all the stuff I need to use up and made sure lids were tight.

I don’t know that 8h of work (with too many breaks) was worth this amount of food:

- 3 breakfasts of eggs, turkey bacon and 2 pancake muffins

- 3 snacks of hummus, chicken, carrots and snap peas

- 3 lunch / dinner portions of chicken and sweet potato

- 2 sit down meals for my parents... lunch and dinner, plus a bunch of single serving dishes of my dad’s favorite mac n cheese

By the time 6pm rolled around I was just dying. I woke up fine but even with breaks to lay down, tiger balm and tylenol, I feel like i got hit in the neck with a baseball bat.

my dog is asleep on my foot. Feels too happy to move.

Up on time today at 5! Proud of that. Last night I came home at 5 to take my dad out but he wasn’t in shape for it so I got thrown off. Couldn’t get my brain to change tracks and be productive and I was crazy hungry and hadn’t planned to make dinner for anyone so I wasn’t ready and had to figure out what to make which was really mentally taxing. I ended up throwing some beef I had vacum-sealed in the freezer into the instant pot with some adobo peppers blended with spices and got the most amazing shredded beef out of it. I had some leftover beans, spinach and fajita veggies so with some brown rice I had a pretty healthy dinner together.

Got into a small tussle with my dad because while they were eating I made up single serving trays for the week and my dad wanted thidrs but they were already in the fridge before they sat down to dinner... I was trying not to overeat because I was so fried mentally, I put away the extra before we started eating. I just pulled out a tray and nuked it and gave it to him but he got mad at me because he felt like I was silently thinking he was eating out of control. I was worried about his blood sugar and his leg... but it’s not like I said anything. He’s 330lbs and doesn’t move... Seconds aren’t needed but thirds definitely are a leg amputation waiting to happen. Super glad I signed up for volunteering to help seniors with herb gardens on wednesday. Maybe I will see people doing this right. Breathe. I can only control the things I can control.

Anyway when 8pm rolled around I still hadn’t done all the things I needed to, but I just took my sleep meds and went to bed. I would rise and conquer in the morning... and I did! I had breakfast, cleared away all the dry dishes, and started sorting and packing dry food and meal prep containers for dog sitting this weekend. I washed my yoga mats... all good things to do if not the critical ones.

I did waste time texting puppet dude about meal prep this morning. I feel for him. He’s diabetic and working hard to eat right and work out but it’s hard when you are diabetic and also trying to manage blood sugar. I think he’s having a lot of cognitive problems of diabetic brain fog due to high blood sugar. Plus he’s not managing cravings when he does have high blood sugar. He was having crazy huger and thirst (high blood sugar) so he hit panda express last night and jacked it up super high. Then he ordered meal prep containers on amazon. He says he wants to start doing meal prep like I do. I feel for him in my gut... So I sent pictures and texts as I packed my cooler for the day. It took a lot of extra time.

I am getting “flashbacks” of getting to know UDG and trying to help him and date him at the same time... Daddy issues. Can’t save my dad but maybe I can save this guy... ok... maybe this guy... wait no... maybe...

At least puppet dude is actively working out and eating right.

Ok puppy. I need my foot back. I have to start my day.

225.3 good downwards trend on the weight I gained back.

Day 4 no neck pain. Some numbness on right side. Yoga and weightloss should help.There are these acupressure mat and pillow sets on Amazon I would like to try. See if they help with the numbness.

Spending the morning at church to see my friend sing and then off to errands. I also booked a yoga class today at 2:00. Should be just enough time to do all 3 before coming home to make dinner. I will make some kugel (egg noodle casserole with cottage cheese) for my dad for the week and some broccoli beef or dinner. Healthified Chinese food is a big hit here.

I’m working on the habit tracker. I am trying to build so many habits that I am dizzy. And it won’t let you delete any.

Day 3 pain free. Oh please let this be the new state of being for me. It’s such a nice change. I woke up early and cleaned the kitchen and straightened out a few things. Then I met puppet dude for a movie and had a surprisingly nice time. He looks at me like wile e coyote looked at the road runner and I understand that cartoon on another level now. I will say this, I tried to buy coffee because he got the movie and he wouldn’t let me pay. Nice change.

Another bout of insomnia though... I think 2:30 might be too late for caffeine for me.

Pain-free day 2, except for exhaustion because I couldn’t get to sleep last night at all and then slept a couple of hours this morning. Not even any right-side numbness. Maybe making the appointment with the neck specialist scared my neck into releasing? It works when I call tech support... whatever is broken automatically fixes itself.

It occurred to me that I need people to “catch energy from” daily... that when I am around active people I am more active and productive so maybe I should try to do 8am class pass classes to jumpstart my cognitive energy. I forgot that part about inattentive adhd... that “activation” is the hard part. Starting your brain to even start the timer.

Pain free day. Took advantage of it and took my dog to the park until she towed me back to the car. What would I do without my dog? I love shedding my skin for a little while and vicariously enjoying the sun and grass and breeze... Just being and being out and being together. Now she is curled up next to me and we are listening to my parents enjoying the lasagna I made for dinner. Well technically they are arguing about something. But that’s just them. Silence is scarier.

Discovered an app called Goals wizard to help you organize your habits and stuff according to your goals. I put all the habits in there I need to build and there’s more there than I can physically do in one day. I do something and then I need to sit down. I literally do not have the physical endurance to do all the chores and tasks I need to do. Maybe this is how I will get stronger? Ugh. So tired.

8 - up. sore neck. couldn’t find meds. tried laying in a diff position to make neck better. was up late because 1) I saw that my freshly scrubbed tub was dyed grey with hair shampoo... everything felt futile, 2) tried calling ex in sd and we were talking about how overwhelmed I was and 3) my dad heard the upset tone in my voice and came out and got involved... and I couldn’t get through the conversation with him because he is the type of person who has to find fault with someone if something is wrong... and 4) I ate a pizza and 2 big cookies yesterday and got mad at myself, and 5) I went to sleep in my bed but my dog peed my bed 3x... so I couldn’t get to sleep. 4) I’m worried about her but I can’t go to the vet alone or with my parents because I will decide emotionally and end up spending every last penny I have on an 18yo dog... So I placed an order for a dog urinalysis kit and it hasn’t come yet so I feel like a jerk... and 6) I talked to my aunt the other day and she was making suggestions like “have a friend do x... or y...” and I had to say you don’t understand... I don’t have friends like that anymore. So she said “well then you have to make some changes “ and I said yeah... I’m going to the OT and she’s having me do a sleep study and a time management study... so from that I should know which ones... but the more I think about it... all I have been doing my entire life is trying to make changes and I’m exhausted. I am dizzy from making changes and broke from trying programs and therapy and nothing helps me make whatever magic change it is that helps me connect to people and work on a team effectively. I’m so tired and tired of being tired.

But my friend from church is singing Sunday at 11. I can show up to that. And I can go to the beach on Saturday with puppet dude. And I can show up for yoga tomorrow. And I can go to bed on time tonight. And I can pull off some basic errands today before then. Starting now. I can change everything one step at a time.

11 - Gave up. had my mom help me look. turns out they were in my car.

12:30 - Circus went to doctor. I reset. managed to call PT for appointment. Have had a mental block about it.

4:00 - made PT call for neck I have been putting off. called a volunteermatch ad to volunteer to help seniors make herb gardens... maybe I will meet other people also caring for their parents. putny OT homework together... the start of it at least.

Turns out the very minor scratch on my dad’s leg is infected. Mom bundled him off to the doc. He’s on antibiotics and it is a wait and see kind of deal. My mind goes to the worst. I directed my anxiety last night to the spare bedroom and pulled a bunch of boxes out. I also downloaded the ebay app to start listing stuff for sale. There’s too much stuff and my dad thinks there is a dollar value on everything and won’t toss. Well, let’s find out. If it goes bad I will need all the space I can get.

Trying to find a habit tracker with a web app not just a mobile app that doesn’t show habits I do not have to do today and hides them once they are checked off. Habitshare is good but once you get to a lot of habits it is too many. And I am trying to do routines so it is a lot of micro habits.

Went to bed late last night. Got anxious and then distracted about taking meds on time. I think I fell asleep about 2 am.

At least the instantpot auto turned off the low setting on it’s own and I woke up to perfect refried beans this morning. They were too watery and I left them on low with a collander on top. I made my dad mexican eggs for breakfast.

Puppet dude is diabetic. Accidentally hit a nerve when I was telling him about the OT program and their track record for getting people off diabetes meds. Now that I know I see all the side issues he’s having... Confusion, overwhelm, cravings, exhaustion... I feel for him.

8:30am up (late) - oatmeal eith cherries and pepitas. Finished repacking my bag for dog sitting and did laundry. Dog is peeing everywhere. Where is my amazon order for her? Can’t really clean carpets till it comes. At least she mostly pees her dog beds and those can be washed.

11:40 AM - Heading to Starbucks with all the work I haven’t done the past few days because I have been in too much pain. I finally feel better. Yoga tonight will probably put me back there. ugh. At least I’ve been taking my stack again consistently the past week. That should help.

Still sore from last week’s yoga classes.. 5 days now! but in massively better shape than Saturday. Started wearing my fitbit again and it says I slept 11 hours. Egad. I knew I was tired, but THAT tired? Oi.

Conquered dishes and the bathtub yesterday. We have a fiberglass tub and it is terrible. It seems to absorb dirt into the surface and no cleanser or scrubbing is enough to get it up. I used a melamine sponge on the sides, but the textured bottom is still grimy.

I am tempted to stop buying food for the house and cooking dinners for a few weeks. My parents have stopped doing for themselves. See if they start going to the market again.

—-

8AM - up, rx bar, meds water

Puttered around cleaning. More dishes. Bathroom scrub down, laundry. Made two meal prep breakfasts.

- Egg, cheese, olive oil, turkey sausage.

Spent 20 min decluttering shelves in the living room. Found stuff of mine for goodwill.

A find!!!!! Incense, a copper bowl, a crystal rock and some incense stuff for my mom’s meditation table when I finish the patio!

Rescheduled OT appointment because I haven’t done my homework.

12:30PM - A break. Need to rest my shoulders. Ironically my neck doesn’t hurt.

1:15 got up, put away laundry, did hair, put on beans and rice to pre-cook for dinner.

1:45pm Tylenol and meds. need to lay back down again. I feel like someone whacked me with a bat

At some point I moved my car, put the rice and beans back on to cook. Neck and back are better but I am tired.

3:40 - Netflix break. izombie

5pm - neck and back are better. stretched out and heard scary popping... but better. Then I realized that my mom took my dad to the doctor kind of late for them... I think it must be urgent care. A little worried. Got ahold of them by phone but no details.

Home from dog sitting. Everything is fine... I checked in and asked proactively. She asked me to come back labor day... I said let me double-check. I am not sure about that... It was a much-needed break... and awesome to get away... but I came home to an unbelievable mess. And my whole body hurts and my head feels like someone took a baseball bat to it. And everything I have eaten doesn’t help. All I want to do is run away.

But... shouldn’t do that.

Started with the dishes. Next I’ll do the bathroom and clean the carpets. I can do this. I do not need to order a pizza or some chinese food to do it.