Fell into old bad habits yesterday and this morning. Procrastinated all day yesterday on a task I really need to do, then stayed up late watching Netflix because I felt bad about procrastinating. Then woke up late this morning with a sore throat and took a long time to get it together. I have to do the tasks on secure home wifi. Can't go to Starbucks... and I am just not productive at home.

I know I don't want to do the task because I don't want to look at how many mistakes I have made but I need to undo them to move forward... make sense?

12PM - Slaps self in face... Snap out of it!!

1:30pm - small progress... did a download. now I just have to analyze and I can do that at starbucks. tasks are smaller than expected and I make them too big in my mind.

Lots of second day soreness and tiredness after yoga tuesday. Headed back tonight. Pretty excited to go. I still can’t get over being able to move like a normal human. As sore as I am my neck is the one thing that doesn’t hurt... amazing. Really sore throat.

Super looking forward to two days of quiet and alone time, even though I won’t have my dog and will be thinking/worried about her the whole time. Plan for food and fitness is just to take their dog for coffee early and grab something while we are out. Not feeling ok really puts a damper on packing though. Breaking my no afternoon coffee rule and making myself a cold one... Forgot how good chocolate milk and instant via packets are in a shaker of ice... OMG.

HOP is right. I should be doing some kind of outlet for writing. What... I do not know. But if a stand up comic wants my stories, they must be decent, LOL.

I like puppet dude... but I don't want to be his unpaid/uncredited manager or writer. He’s on a positive path with his life and health changes. He affirms my choices in a positive way. He openly says “I like you and I want to date you.” like a grown ass man. He seems like he would at least give me cards on my birthday, christmas and valentines day. He is a hard worker at work and at his passion and stays on track to meet his goals. He thinks volunteering together, going to shakespeare in the park, or just hanging out with my dog makes a great date. He seems like a reliable person to have on my ICE card. There is zero doubt in my mind he is not married (but I’d do a check anyway, lol). If I see things in him I don’t like they are more likely reflections of how I feel about myself and I should look at that. 

3:30AM. Woke up hungry - half a pb sandwich

8:16AM woke up late from being up too early. next time I just stay up. so groggy - fudge bar

9:16AM Up from falling back asleep again. Journaling here while I wake up.

- meal prep tray of eggs, cheese, turkey bacon, and sweet potato hash

Till 1:30 - Made my dad lunch, cleaned the kitchen and dishes, put things away in the living room. Made a tiny head start on the boxes of papers. I moved things out of the way and opened the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, lol. that counts.

1:30PM Got a recruiter call from a real US recruiter! Submitted on it

Puttered around accomplishing nothing... Crampy. 

6:15

Up, on my own.

234.2 - Normal weight fluctuation.

Deliberately did not eat so I didn’t give myself a sugar/simple carb trap to start my day. Waited for my brain.

7:30

Brain on.

- oatmeal, maple syrup to balance too much ginger

Showered. Screwed around with daily challenges and logging. Working over to leaving the house. Brain is just lazy and sloppy today.

Puppet dude says he wants me to be his “manager”. “You manage me. In that you are my extra set of eyes and ears. Sometimes I get nervous. So you’ll see it.” Ugh, I fed it and now it wants to come home and be mine. Sounds like a lot of unpaid labor.

I feel like I am having a Horn of Plenty moment where I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend.

9AM

Circus is up... But I have at least showered and my new backpack is packed and in my go box (A laundry basket by the front door with everything I need to leave the house quickly). I find them what they need, dress and bail out like a ninja to Starbucks.

Mostly because my mom is a little ocd... she was making little angry comments to my dad while I found a bottle of stain remover and I could tell it was turning into a spin over everything she has ever owned or lost. It’s days like these I just need to not be there.

Except I forgot to give my dog buiscuts before I left.

- sm coffee with half n half

10:30AM

- mercato salad, coffee, halfn half

why is the music so loud at starbucks?

11:00

breathe in, breathe out. begin work. starting with sorting papers. goal is to do one task.

11:45

still haven’t done task.

- mango cliff bar. yuck

also realized I haven’t done any of the OT homework because last time I was there she was trying to sell me on a sleep protocol program and it was overwhelming just to even think about. ugh. like another giant project when I can’t even do what’s on my plate now.

12:35 1 personal task done!!! finally. going for 2.

1:05... I win!!!! I did like 5 things and everything I can do at this moment is done.

1:25 home to check on dog.

- boneless wing tray w ranch

1:45 set bear country’s timer dor an hour. innerpeace’s weightloss challenge meditation. i’ve missed a few days but it was good. puppet dude texts that he is thinking of me. aw, I’m thinking about him too. mostly that I don’t want to be his manager, but it’s not like guys are breaking down my door. mmm... claustrophobia my old friend. you’ve come to visit me again.

2-7

washed dishes, made and ate a gross dinner... salmon patties, corn chowder, steamed zucchini... just missed the target somehow. my om and I ate the salmon patties with ketchup. my dad had the chowder which was actually ok... just weird because I puréed it for him... I didn’t think he’d pull off the corn or celery in it and just stick blended the whole thing. made it weird

7

at yoga on time. crazy day. tonight at yoga I was finally able to move my legs and feet into basic positions without having to pick up my right leg and move it and my foot into place... and I was able to lean on my hands to walk my feet up to the top of the mat... and lean on my hands to walk them backwards to meet my feet. i was so shocked I laughed each time I did it. the instructor must have thought I was nuts because she kept asking me everytime i laughed if I was ok... and I kept saying I’m just fine, actually, I’m great. and kept it going all the way to cool down... although I got stuck on my side like turtle during the cool down for “happy baby”... so overwhelmed. started crying during cool down. the way I explained it to puppet dude was imagine having a robotic third leg attached at the hip exactly where your current leg is. you tell your leg to move, and mentally you felt the instruction go, but then you look down and there’s still a leg there. so you pick it up and move it where it belongs and weirdly you feel it in your actual leg where you just moved the robot leg into. but now it’s turned into your leg again... because that nerve is pinching on and off... and the weird 100 lb pressure glove your arm is in that makes things go numb so you can’t balance on them isn’t there anymore... so you can just move your arms like normal and put them anywhere you want. (He said he wants to high five... and that I am on the right track.) I left out the rest... which is the self-hatred cycle of it... So you just go to yoga and move around like a beached whale in the back of the room while your blubber flops everywhere and you are a sweaty, clumsy trainwreck. and everything hurts after. and you are emotionally exhausted because you just made a spectacle of yourself in front of “normal” people, and all you want after is pizza... but you are trying to diet, but you are miserable so you just want pizza and you eat it and you kick yourself for eating badly because you aren’t reaching your goals and then some weeks you eat bad and don’t even making it to yoga. or anything for that matter.

but through some miracle... tonight I went to yoga... and I could move like a “normal“ ridiculously fat and out of shape person. because I put the work in to make dinners on track, take supplements, reduce stress, stop irritating my neck... so the nerves must be starting to reconnect or just unpinch and transmit again.

i even walked my dog after.

8:30

went to Big lots, the last place to sell my favorite pizzas in the city. i only bought one though... they are right by my fav yoga place and I have decided that one yoga class equals one pizza and if I want a pizza I need to go to yoga, lol.

9:30

called puppet dude and told him about my workout. then told him to pick working with me or dating me. one or the other. he picked dating, lol.

Forgot to weigh in. Feel like I gained 20lbs. Water?

7AM

Up, on my own. Late because I was texting that puppet dude. Silly thing to do. Worried about how much my elderly dog is peeing.

- PBJ on bad for me white bread. 

10AM

At Starbucks. Mostly screwing around while things download and intermittent instructions from Apple Support. Just randomly occurred to me that I am seeing the benefit of the OT's instruction to just leave the house for 2h a day. I feel less mentally "stuck"...

- Iced coffee with half n half.

12:40PM

Ran home to check on dog. Did some good things like made dinner ahead, washed two sinks of dishes (where do they come from?) and other housework. 

- Turkey chili w/ cheese

Circus came home... Mom took dad to the Wendy’s with the weird pavement I won’t take him to and he felll. Just got scraped up but he is massively upset and thinks the universe is telling him no more fast food... Can I get that in writing?

- Dark chocolate, raw cashews

Got really tired. Laid down for 10 min. Turned into an hour. The OT would tell me this is when I should get out for a walk.

Setting Bearcountry’s timer for 10 min. Then I will go. Cooler out today. Why am I so tired?

- 2 servings of chicken casserole

6PM

Went to TJ Maxx and meant to only go in and come out again for a pair of replacement sunglasses... They had a million backpacks and I dug through till I found a small one that I don't hate and might stop screwing up my neck. Every day that I have had neck pain I have been carrying my little Steve Madden woven bag. I found a pair of $9 sunglasses and this Levi's bag for $14. Slim enough to discourage carrying anything extra, fits my laptop, light, and has some webbing for attaching a bike helmet or jacket. I think it is for guys, but it was the only one that felt "right".

Packing it for a successful day tomorrow.

Still thinking about the compass necklace I saw yesterday.

I think it was the flood and the hurricane, more than the big earthquake that makes me think about how much I always want to have basic things on me.

9:45PM

Dog walked, fed. She acts 10 years younger when I pick up the leash.

So glad I didn't drive an hour to go see puppet dude do a 3-5 min set and stay out till 2AM. I feel so tired.. Like a million years old. It's a nice cool night and I should get decent sleep. And I'm glad I am not out spending on drinks and food and gas to see some random dude's set.

Focus.

Tomorrow, the plan is to leave my house right away when I wake up, then come back to do chores. Yoga at night.

I should only be spending time on my job search, fitness, my dog, my parents, church, and being outdoors.

Short post today.

6:30AM

Woke up on MY OWN almost on time. 

Spent day cooking, cleaning. Endless task. Prepped several meals for week. Gently stepped around the fight my dad kept trying to pick all morning.

Meals prepped for the week are breakfasts (Eggs, turkey bacon, sweet potato hash), boneless wings with carrots and celery, chili and sweet potato "unfried fries" 

12PM - 10PM

Whole project today has been fixing my iphone and laptop... Productive but devastating because I have lost all my happy memories in a bad data recovery. It is a punch to the gut. Like having your wedding album set on fire.

Healthy choices in the middle of it:

- Salad as meal of choice at Starbucks. Lots of broccoli and zuchhini at dinner. Stayed out of the chocolate and pasta to "drown my sorrows"

- Made dinner for parents anyway

- Walked dog anyway

- Called puppet dude anyway. 

- Made brown rice for the week anyway

- Didn't watch something happy on Netflix to "drown my sorrows"

- Made an appointment with Apple support for tomorrow to see if they can help

- Took sleep meds as soon as I rremembered, at an OK time.

Weirdly no neck pain even though I was under emotional stress. Went to bed at 10PM. 

In a spark of insanity, I proposed a change to puppet dude’s act, where whenever he is about to overshare, his date texts him and tells him to stop. Partially because he was about to overshare... snd I stopped him, then winced at the idea of actually going to his show... because I will hear things that will prevent me from ever nailing him. So now he wants to write together. Now I kind of want to go

226.1... my little descent / spinout has made me gain 5lbs. Aaaargh. Self-defeat is in my wiring, but I am changing everything one day at a time. Last night I took my sleep meds late but still managed to get up on my own without an alarm at 6:30AM. I have no pain in my neck, elbow, wrist, ankle or toe... Going to start tracking that along with time and food and get better about tracking food. I got bummed about how much I was eating and didn't log all of it. I left my fitbit off yesterday. Might do that again today.

6:30AM

Up.

- Ate dark chocolate chips instead of breakfast because I woke up bummed.

Walked my dog before it got hot. Neighbor says that a house of deceased couple the next block over is in the hands of a guy who might be an addict. Nerve-wracking.

8:30AM

Made breakfast for fam.

- Turkey bacon, sweet potato hash and a cheese omlette. Diet pepsi.

Mom got her blood test results back and all those dinners I've been slinging have had an impact. She might be able to avoid going on insulin... 205lbs... glucose is in range, This made me happy.

10:30AM

Puppet dude is very nice. Not the hottest, but nice. His forehead was peeling. I spent the whole time staring at it and thought about saying something but I didn't want to make hm self-consicous. Luckily, it was close to his eyes so hopefully it wasn't too noticable. I think he might be a hoarder because while I was talking to him I had the strangest urge to clean my purse out... and that's always a sure sign. Plus he dreams of having cats again someday. I got claustrophobic just sitting there thinking about the cats and the smell and the pending asthma attasks. I was half ready to pull out my inhaler just thinking about the cats. He really liked me. I could learn to like him. Worth a second look at least.

- 2 coffees, half and half.

Neck started just killing me while we were having coffee. A hand warmer pad I keep in my bag just for that purpose did not help. If I think about what made my neck hurt... my favorite little steve madden backpack that I love love love (and Molly HATES) was too heavy..... And I was overwhelmed by all the negative thinking.

By way of Nordstroms rack which had nothing I wanted. Weird feeling. Well, Kate Spade sunglasses for $70... but I am in the $10 range for something I lose and replace monthly.

- Raw cashews

1:30 PM

Home and resting.

- turkey burger and cheese, slice of bread, olive oil

- mindless snacking... 4 granola bars and some dark chocolate chips.

4:30PM

Dad asks if I'd like to go out to dinner... but doesn't have a destination in mind. I can't think of anyplace I want to go... Everything is so salty out and honestly all I really want is some broccoli. These random requests to go out to dinner makes me spn out every time... I get all upset that I can;t make things good for him or get my mom out to go out with us... It just makes me so sad.

8:00PM

To pick myself up from being really sad, I just started fixing whatever was in front of me, I put air in my bike and car tires. I went over my car with a lint roller and got all the fur out it. I made dog food. I took clutter off my keyring. I went and did a grocery run for all the stuff I asked my mom to pick up at the market but she didn't. I made my dad a grilled cheese sandwich with my homemade pickes.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... I GOT ALL MY PHOTOS OFF MY IPHONE... Now I can download the software update and reset it... and rejoin humanity... 

Except I can't get the update to work.

11PM

Sleep Meds kicking in. Gotta put away the dog food and go to bed.

Boring, pointless church tomorrow.

Today was so hot I couldn't think let alone type.

Achievements: haircut, HM return. Costco run. Fixed my own headlights, put up bug tent on patio. Bought a flash drive to get data off my phone. I might fix it yet.

Hurdles: heat, neck, elbow, wrist, and ankle pain.

Losses: are too many junky things. Didn't drink enough water.. Didn't get any personal stuff done. Didn't walk my dog. Didn't go do anything fun on a friday night.

Distorted thinking today... mostly that I'm "done" and there's no hope of ever getting my life on track or having a companion again. I know this isn't true... just playing as a tape in my head.

Changing everything one step at a time. Starting by taking sleep meds at 9pm and getting up early.

Today was so hot I couldn't think let alone type.

Achievements: haircut, HM return. Costco run. Fixed my own headlights, put up bug tent on patio. Bought a flash drive to get data off my phone. I might fix it yet.

Hurdles: heat, neck, elbow, wrist, and ankle pain.

Losses: are too many junky things. Didn't drink enough water.. Didn't get any personal stuff done. Didn't walk my dog. Didn't go do anything fun on a friday night.

Distorted thinking today... mostly that I'm "done" and there's no hope of ever getting my life on track or having a companion again. I know this isn't true... just playing as a tape in my head.

Changing everything one step at a time. Starting by taking sleep meds at 9pm and getting up early.

2AM

Randomly woke up starving. Not my usual thing. Tried to ignore it but no good. Ate 2 pbjs. Did dishes. Went back to bed.

3AM

Still up. 1 glass milk.

4AM

Gave up. Got up and made real breakfast. Then couldn't finish it. 2 eggs, olive oil, bite of a hot link, 1/3 paleo pancake. Everything hurts like someone whacked me with a pole. I duno why. I didn't got to exercise class. Took Tylenol.

8AM

Giving myself some down time while I wake up to log here.

Must have fallen asleep whie waiting for dawn to walk my dog. Dad woke me up when he heard his 8AM alarm because I asked him for help making sure I never sleep past 8AM. Aaaaw, daddy. Doing right by his little girl and still there enough to remember things. Guess I'm sucking it up and taking him to Ralph's later. Super groggy and spacey though. I will be alright this week though... Dad kept me from throwing off my sleep cycle and I've had enough to be functional today.

I think the church group last night was too stimulating that late at night. The whole thing was weird because a family in the congregation lost an 8 month old baby... Which was terribly sad... But when it was announced, the group started crying and the whole meeting fell apart. They must all be really close.

Also did not help that I looked up that puppet guy from OKC on Facebook and watched his comedy videos before going to bed. He's funny and not terribly hot but at least not creepy! I saw two 5 minute sets, but couldn't find his hour long one. The two bits are super self-deprecating... capitalizing on the fact that at the time he looked a bit like a Minion... and talks about how nobody would let him sit with him in high school and he couldn't get a date... very "my life sucks". I can't help think that if this is his set, the universe is listening and will give him more of the same. I asked him what happens if he gets a girlfriend? He'd have to rewrite everything. He's like no, I'd just chang everything to past tense. I said he's lost so much weight and is in better shape now... It's got to come off like you're telling someone else's jokes... You'd be better off rewriting everything and including jokes about your new girlfriend... Like... "I asked my girlfriend to send me some nudie pics while I am on the road. She sent me photos of my puppets in a state of undress. She knows me so well." He says I can be his writer.

10:30AM

Looking at the H and M site, they have some great separates that could be a dress or jumpsuit... But only in bright red!!!! I have everything on an olive, blue, and black base with one red tank for pop... So they wouldn't fit, but they are awesome and if I wait a month I might see something that works with my existing setup... that isn't a spaghetti strap top! But gorgeous.

Also dyed my hair and gave myself a mani/pedi. Happy with the color this time. No weird orange cast. I can't believe I used to get this stuff done professionally. Or that I never forgot to keep it all tip top. That seems like a different person 1 million years ago. I think my brain is all muddled all the time partially because my nails, hair and makeup fall out of synch for a couple of weeks here and there.

2:45PM

Gave up on trying to start my brain. Just too hot. Not happening. My poor dog keeps staring at me and following me around like she expects me to do something amazing... ugh... not happening. I just followed OT instructions and bailed out. Getting a burger and organzing my bag if not my brain. There's AC but it really doesn't make it that much cooler. Still, just not staring at the mass of unfinished projects helps. I need to do this every AM. Find a spot I can walk to with my dog. Not much around that is open before 8am in my dog's range though and right now at 7am it is already too hot.

5:30PM

Used BearCountry's timer to time my rest stop at home. Picking up my  dog and heading out to see who shows to the K9 meetup for a dog walk and brews. So far 3 people have bailed.

5AM

Up. Yay me!!!! Pulled dog in for a cuddle. She says it is too hot. I say cuddle anyway. I'm bigger. I win. For one second "walk" flitted through my brain and she is now 100% up. If I want to hang out, she says, I need to go for a walk. Who owns who? I must have a PBJ first. She must have a PB, no J.

***Update... I know why I was so brain dead today... took sleep meds at the same time a adhd meds and flopped my way through the day. Lesson learned... no matter how badly my dog wants a walk, turn the light on.***

6AM

Dad requested a special Dunkin Donuts coffee. Which required finding the grinder. He has also left me a sinkful of dishes to wash and a kitchen to clean. It was clean when I went to bed last night..

7AM

No gardening today. It is already too hot... and the patio looks dismal. Maybe I will start with putting up the bug tent tonight so I can even be out there... and keep an eye out for art so at least there is something to look at. And dark grey paint to make all the found containers match.

Tried to start my dill seeds last night and made a mess of it. The onion bottoms I cut from veggies and put in water to regrow are soggy and full of flies. I have no idea of what I can put in the bottoms of the keg buckets for drainage... if I save slim fast bottles, it will take months to have enough. I'd hate to waste unused aluminum foil by crumpling it up into balls.

Watched Poh and Co "for just 10 min" after a shower and ended up starving for real food. "Just one pancake" turned into making a bunch of pancakes, hotlinks, coffee, and orangaid for parents at breakfast table. Mostly because I felt small for not wanting to make my dad coffee.

9:30AM

Taking a break and making a grocery list... new sales are posted. Waiting for parents to move their car and I will leave. Ended up meal planning for next several weeks. Nutritionist reclassified both my yogurt tubes and paleo granola to "desserts"... which sucks. With only 1 serving of fruit or sugar a day, most of the sales are not relevant to my needs. I picked out a bunch of recipes for hiding veggies in.

11-30AM

Neck and back are killing me again. I think it's dehydration. Took advil. Drinking water. Parents decided to not go out. Mom looked good though... She's lost 3 more lbs and is at my goal weight for the year. 206. She was wearing some khaki crops I bought her and one of my old peasant tops with brown sandals... like a pleasantly pulled together granny... not babayaga. Agreed to go to midweek church service tonight since It is too hot to go to yoga.

1PM Headed out with laptop and cooler. Mailman says he has a package when he comes down. We have mail theft and could be dad's meds... headed back in. Broiling anyway. Stuck dog and myself in shower fully clothed. Adderall. Lunch... 3 cups broccoli topped with a lean cuisine. More water.

2:30PM Semi-human. Left house. Did 2 of my goals from yesterday. Came home. Took a break. Realized dad is out of whitebread, ran to store. Made dinner in instant pot... Pot roast, mashed potatoes.

7:30,

Made it to church. Ugh... Not my scene but the people are nice so I will likely go back again.

Talked to puppet guy off Just OK Cupid. Made him send me a comedy video. He's actually pretty funny. It's that self depricating humor that always makes me wince... I told him if he gets a girlfriend, none of it will apply anymore and he'll have to change his whole act.

10:30

Good night. Sleep tight. If you see chocolate, ice cream or beer don't bite.