No weigh in this morning. No yoga.

What I did instead of yoga  

Last night was really hard... Dad had a full scale meltdown on me from 5 to 8pm when I just gave up and went to bed. He probably was up all night... he was still in monster mode when I woke up this morning so I just went back to bed and watched Netflix... Numb and dumb till 11 and I just had to get out to get my brain jumpstarted...  went to the post office and lunch. Body battery reading is interesting... It shows that the extra sleep really helped... Then the high stress on wakeup immediately dropped it, but as soon as I left the house my stress level also dropped.

What I will do to move forward 

OT has me working on sleep and timing this week. I need to set reminders on Alexa.

He has a phone call with the nutritionist today. First one... I mailed in his handicapped transport application... I need to make him a couple of appts. If I go home now and tackle it, maybe I can walk the cog before dinner tonight.

Managed to get to the anatomy class last night and it may not be a transferrable class. Aaack! I need to see a counselor. And actually enroll, I guess. Why do I do everything half assed and at the last minute? Oh right. My body battery is stuck at 5%. Which is pretty much how I feel. Completely exhausted and like everything is just too much.

Woke up at 5:30am. Had a hard time getting started. I just couldn’t get my head together to get out of the house... My brain was glitching on “I need more dry erase markers, pill pack bags, the new lunch bag, and to trade that watch in at REI because it won’t track my yoga, meditation or chores... and that’s across town from the gym... and I have the telephone appt with the OT today... How do I commit to a clas till I have that done???” None of these things were impo or essential to get to yoga and cardio... but I couldn’t unstuck my brain so just doing them today to move forward. Ugh.

BF texted randomly last night all the stuff that was going on over the weekend. I think it may have been mansplaining that he had super important stuff going on this weekend and that’s why he flaked on saturday and was rude when I texted on saturday about the book I was reading and he told me to stop sending rapid fire texts he can’t reply to. I said let me know how I can help, told him he was doing a good job, and then deleted his number from my phone again. I don’t want to expend energy on it right now. I have done my best every minute with him since I met him, it hasn’t made it work. It’s about to be Labor Day weekend and if I am in a relationship we should be on Catalina Island together having fun with the Sierra Club campout, sunning and snorkeling... not deleting texts and looking for something to do on Meetup to make the weekend suck less.

One foot in front of the other.

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Update: Had my telehealth appt with the occupational therapist... She says the Garmin Body Battery reading is probably right if it is taking sleep tracking and heart rate variability into account. I probably can't pull off the class at night if I am getting so little deep or REM sleep and my stress level is so high. I can try, but it's more likely that I won't be able to keep up with the class at all, it will wear me down and keep me from being able to go back to work and the career I already have. She looked at my calendar and then told me I needed to change it around so that I plan on ending my day at 5:30 and making dinner so that I am in my bedroom with the door closed at 8pm "in bed"... no tv, no phone, no electronic screens. I basically need to be Amish until the Garmin Body Battery reading is about 80% when I wake up.

5% is what it says when you are at risk of heart attack or stroke. It just kind of made my jaw drop. Just went all in on the Garmin Scale.

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Just went through my calendar and cleaned it out according to what the OT said I need to do. No fun things, no classes, nothing that makes life fun... For like 6 weeks. BUT THEN I WILL HAVE FUN!!!!

No weigh in today.

Why I didn't go to yoga or the gym this morning

Just exhausted and as soon as my eyes popped open at 5:30am I walked into the kitchen and found a million chores to do.

Chores took a long time... I could have done a lot of them last night but I was exhausted from taking dad to the doctor yesterday and it was crazy hot out yesterday.

This morning, instead of going to yoga and breakfast I:

• made coffee
• washed 2 sinkfuls of dishes
• wiped down counters
• did a load of laundry
• fed the pets
• pet food all over the floor
• discovery of a pest problem
• cleaned up the dining room table
• cleaned a chair post-cat drool
• cleaned up dad's area
• made dad and my breakfast
• took out the trash / recycling
• swept front steps
• changed sheets
• second load of laundry
• folded first load
• showered
• made a call for dad
• tried to fix an amazon alexa issue
• screwed around with the new garmin and realized i bought the wrong one
• posted here
• backed up my iphone

Correlation between mood and body battery...

Interestingly, my Garmin Connect body battery says I am at 5%... and that is pretty much how I feel. Like I can't keep going, I am completely wiped, and trying to do even one tiny thing is too much... And I just want to cry. I'm a bit cranky, even towards the pets. According to the app I can boost my body battery by sleeping, taking a break, or doing an activity. 

I am pretty impressed with the accuracy of the tracking and the displays of data. I can't believe I ever bought a Fitbit. It's just so astonishingly better... I am not too happy with the Forerunner 45 so far... It is fairly new so there's no ConnectIQ apps or nylon wristbands available yet... Apparently if I had purchased the Forerunner 245  (+$100) or 645 (+$200), or the Vivoactive 3, I would be happier.

Connected Garmin to Cronometer and am starting to log my calories again. Discovered they've added a bunch of data sources to aggregate a total health picture to their data displays... I might think about a Withings wifi scale and blood pressure cuff to help me get myself on track with a better picture overall. The Withings scale is half what the Garmin scale is.

Research, research... hmm...

Progress towards making life better...

Tonight at 5pm is my last chance to try to crash a basic anatomy class at the local community college. As much as I want to run over to REI and exchange my watch... tomorrow.

Sources of joy today...

• Woke up on time
• I had my favorite Laird's coffee creamer
• I was able to see how much I slept because it was tracked last night (not enough, 5-6)
• I made a delicious breakfast sandwich
• I have an obnoxious cat that uses me for a land bridge
• My dog is healthy
• It is cool enough to be here with fans on
• The social worker for the health team yesterday said I did a really good job taking care of my mom.
• BF sent nice text good morning
•  

jIt’s 6am, and kitty says, “You’ve been up for an hour, just unplugged Alexa when she started you, and your pain meds have kicked in. Get your ass out of bed and walk and feed us, human!” You could set your alarm by this cat. What a happy way to start my day.

Yesterday I made it to the gym and that was about it. I got exhausted and binge ate. I’m not getting enough veggies, I think. Too much of the wrong stuff. I didn’t stock up on any because of dental surgery. I am super interested in the Garmin “body battery” feature. I can’t wait.

Garmin arrived at REI but they don’t open till 10... Gym is on the other side of town from REI... But Trader Joe’s opens at 8... So coffee, walk the cog, chores and sorting mom’s papers till 8, shower, trader joe’s and a salad there with a grocery stash in my cooler (because I was smart and froze my canteens last night), in store pickup at REI, lunch bag pickup at container store, yoga if I can make it, call pro organizer and setup a test work session and consultation, head home, lunch, take dad to doctors appointment on other side of town, second lunch at whole foods on the way home. Drop dad off, catch a lyft to the junior college to crash the anatomy class. Lyft home. Straight to bed. Cardio, yoga and hanging at the gym snack bar to tackle papers tomorrow. 

I can do this. All might seem bottomlessly hopeless and worthless but it is an illusion. Kickboxing bf is not the only guy out there. I can have whatever future I want to have as long as I keep trying everyday like my mom did, I will see her and all my ancestors in Valhala. The battles are short but the war is long and it’s an endurance game. That my dad has a weird headspace that creates endless sadness and fighting is sad but it doesn’t have to control me.And I can find an Alexa skill to read this back to me whenever I need it.

Alexa, give me a pep talk.

Happy Sunday Funday!

My Alexa reminders were to get up and walk the cog and go to yoga, but I only feel like eating a good sunday breakfast, hiding under my covers, and watching Heartland on Netflix. Someday, I would like to have a life where people only say nice things to each other and don't snarl or bite my head off everytime we interact. Maybe I need to move to Canada?

Part of this morning's freeze up is that my guy flaked on date night last night and snarled at me over text. He always texts me good morning and weirdly I was dreading it this morning. I should clarify that he's awesome and has always been good to me... it's just he's going through a rough time and communication is strained... and I don't know how to make it better... and trying to do nice things for him, communicate with him, or make it better is just making it worse... So I just need to stop trying, give him space, and focus on my own life. He'll resolve it himself when he's ready. One way or another. I can be comfortable with being uncomfortable and certain that it's ok to be uncertain.

While I am hiding from the world, I'm working on setting myself up for success:

1. Logging here.

2. Online shopping: Not sure if these were responsible purchases, but I bought:

• A third Alexa for dad's bathroom
• A portable electric cooler on clearance for $49... Pre-yoga breakfast in my bedroom or keep dad's insulin cool on the road in an emergency.
• Collapsible cup for washing diva cup on the go
• Pepper spray
• Collapsible mug and plate for camping/running around

3. Finding a life... looking on Meetup.com. Found 1 fun thing I can go do each day on Labor Day weekend and not think about my guy. Spending Mon-Thurs evenings this week trying to crash a basic anatomy class at the community college near me.

But I will do some kind of workout after storage today.

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I did my workout... 30 min of cardio that seemed really hard for no apparent reason except that I am fat and out of shape... I felt much better when the guy at the front desk said they replaced a bunch of machines so if I was at level 5 before, knock it down to level 2 because the new machines have more resistance...

Doh...

So... weird checkin for today. I went off the rails and binge ate last night.

The trigger was minor... Dad saying he's not really being affected by grief or bereavement... totally off target. Being "numb" and not feeling anything is still being affected by grief and part of bereavement... but it was him being totally off target that threw me off. Even though I was ready to go to beds and had already taken meds, I ended up staying up till like 2 or 3 overeating and watching "The Boys" on Amazon (so good)... Eventually I just fell asleep.

100+lbs ago, this would have been whatever I had in the house, a pizza and wings, and a gallon of ice cream. I'd have felt like hell in the morning and been sick for days, possiby kept binging for another couple of days because I felt really bad about myself. My blood sugar would have skyrocketed and I wouldn't have moved or gone for a walk in forever. I'd have sat around crying and beating myself up for wrecking myself again.

But I've been working with the nutritionist to eliminate bad foods and make home a "safer" place for me to be... so the emotional binge eating I did last night wasn't actually all that bad. All in all I had 2 slices of white bread, an ice cream sandwich, a bag of popcorn, 4 rx bars, grapes, and raw almonds. 

Overslept this morning, blood sugar is more or less ok, and I watched "Good Omens" until I felt better. Gave the pets some treats, took a shower and washed dishes. Did my hair. Might see a movie later. 

Dental surgery area is a little worse for the popcorn and almonds, but ok. Giving it an extra day before I go back to yoga... so tomorrow. I ordered a lunch bag at a place next to it for pickup to give myself a kick in the butt to go.

Onwards and upwards.

One foot in front of the other. At the movies today. Seeing Peanut Butter Falcon for some downtime... from not doing much of anything. At least it feels that way. I woke up at 6am to a custom kitty good morning, cleaned the house and did laundry before it got hot, went and got breakfast and did my OT homework plus read a chapter in my “Take Back Your Life” book while dad had an in home visit from the bereavement counselor so he could have some privacy, then hit the post office and the grocery store, brought groceries home, finished laundry and made dad’s bed, picked up the patio, checked the bereavement counselor notes, and sorted out the mail. So a fair amount of stuff even though it wasn’t actually “work”. And it is 12:30 so I am entitled to take a lunch break. Just an RX bar from my bag. This theater doesn’t have salads.

So after this, Starbucks for one of their salads and wifi... Goal is to figure out which classes I will try to crash at the community college tomorrow, finish all my unread mail, setup my calendar for september, and cross one thing off my “critical to do list”.

Tomorrow, I get back to yoga and cardio.

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After watching the movie I suddenly felt like I needed to take my dad to the grocery store. I guess it was spiritually uplifting and I felt like being a better human being. Or something.

Called dad, he was down for going to the grocery store, but by the time I got home he was in bed sleeping with the blankets on in 90 degree weather.

Scary.

Did at least figure out what classes to crash. There is only one I can try to add by crashing. Everything else I would want to take is distance education only.

Up at 5am. I set a series of Alexa reminders for what I need to do inthe morning while I was mad at myself last night and woke up to hearing “Get your ass up and walk the pets” among other things. I’ll change the words in the reminders to be a little less verbally abusive, but loud verbal prompts really helped me get up at 5, take meds and sugar, walk the cog, take a shower and leave the house for a cup of coffee. I write this from my favorite breakfast spot where I ordered a super veggie omelette and swapped the hashbrowns for black beans, drank two glasses of water, and saved coffee for after my meal. I get 2 cups and 8 creamers but from now on I will bring some Lairds Superfood Creamer so I can have a healthier option. Those little cups of half and half have a lot of cholesterol and trans fats.

May this meal make me healthier and better able to take care of my dad.

——— Cat lovers only below this line

Major milestone walking the cat this morning. He volunteered for his harness this morning... and when my dog pooped, he pooped. He’s peed on his walks, but this was the first time pooping. I took this as a sign of him generally being more comfortable. Also, he did not pee his kitty sling. He actually looked like he enjoyed the exercise later at home... super extra communicative and chill.

Weight: Upswing to 226.3, but not stressing about it. Fasting blood sugar may have been high because of dental surgery yesterday and also I waited to check till I’d already been up a few hours and walked the cog (cat and dog), which can spike my sugar. Still, 1 foot in front of the other. I am super proud of myself for jumping out of bed and going for a walk like a productive adult... and for then going straight to the shower and then out to breakfast. I didn’t get sucked into what I used to call “The Circus”. Is it still a circus if it’s one crazy old dad and not both of your crazy old parents? Part of me feels terrible about not sticking around and making him breakfast and showing him love. The rest of me is grateful to be out and getting some daylight.... a healthy breakfast of chicken, beans, broccoli, guac, and corn tortillas... A cup of coffee while I read a book I bought at CVS yesterday called “Take Your Life Back” It is actually pretty good... It hooked me with a discussion of the older brother of the prodigal son who stayed home and did service to his father and then was angry he didn’t have the life he wanted. Food for thought.

No weigh in today, I had dental surgery. I found the whole thing phenomenally stressful. The human body is terrifing... It shouldn’t be so easy to pop out a tooth and do things to a jaw. You think your body is solid and firm and then you get a reminder of how fragile it really is. And the office staff was like oh this is no big deal... Aaaack! I get from their perspective it isn’t... but my tooth, my jaw, my body, my life... Eek. 

Soft foods only, no cardio or inversions till monday. My goal for tonight is just to not overeat and get out to walk the pets. Monday I start living at the gym and doing all the yoga I can do on my all access pass. Beyond that... I don’t know. Just trying to put one brick in place at a time. I feel like my first brick is now in place.