Day 57 of 60 of making every day count and no contact with ex.
Hard to believe I am actually about to cross the finish line on a "challenge" I have set for myself. I can't remember ever actually pulling anything off over this period of time before. Usually I fall off track if there is a major upset or drama... or if I just get bummed. I may not have done every day perfectly and there were some days I just fell over, but I did everything I was capable of doing every day. I think the next "challenge" I will set for myself is to increase my ability to do more every day.
Need to think about how I will do that. When I made my before bed checklist, there were 35 things I needed to do to be able to go to bed. No wonder I have been up till 2AM.
Yesterday, the only thing I did to make it count was to sort 3/4 of a shoebox of dad's papers and go through the books on the shelves in the living room and try to start tidying them up... the bookshelves were just a mess of things stuffed everywhere, biooks faling over and dust. Now at least they are in order. I think I was just super, super tired and my back really hurt. Feeling better today.
Not sure yet what I will do to make it count... So far I have done a lot of tidying but nothing that moves me forward to getting back to work.
Dad scared me by almost falling out of his office chair last night when he tried to stand. If he falls, my time will go to changing diapers and full assist, not going back to work. So most of my time loss was to research a change in dad's computer setup for fall prevention using cheap products off Amazon for about $250... Which seems like a decent price. He's in a rolling office chair and scared me last night by almost falling out of it. I think if I put the recliner on risers ($40), have an over bed/arm chair desk on wheels ($70), and then mount his monitor and laptop on arms ($140) to swing forward from a separate desk on the side, he can sit in the recliner, pull the desk closer to him, and then pull the monitors toward him to see the screens up close.
I'll start with the monitor risers. YES. If he can stand up easier with a 3" lift... Everything else works.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 56 of 60
Made yesterday count by:
Yesterday with dad was hard and he said mean things.Got stressed out, stayed up too late again and woke up at 9. Mind over matters and things that don't matter. Just because he is hard and mean to himself and it bubbles out to me does not mean that I have to listen to it or think that way about myself. But it's too many days in a row of stress and I am burned out.
Things I did to boost myself up again...
Breathing deep. Focusing. Getting back on track. Pushing that anxiety monster down.
Productivity goal for today is to make the calendar for the month and sort additional shoe boxes of dad's papers.
Day 55 of 60
Only things I managed to do yesterday were return the rug cleaner and take dad to the doctor. OMG it wore me out. Apparently dad has barely any fluid in his lungs now. I thought he was not using oxygen at home because he’s a pain in the pain in the ass but it is actually because he is doing better. I must have looked awful because his doctor gave me a hug and told me I am doing everything right and to just hang in there. I feel like I look awful.
He did seem droopy this morning so I made him use it. He felt better and started ordering me to do things before I had even had my coffee. I am now exhausted again.
Too tired and stressed Got a late start this morning (10ish) and then got disrupted from cardio by getting involved with dad while feeding the pets. I need to get my bedtime and AM routine under control ASAP. This probably means buying the smallest microwave possible for my bedroom, making a new before bed checklist, and trying to get out of the house first thing in the AM instead of trying to ride my bike first. If I am here, I am sucked in and stressed out before I can accomplish anything..
Today I will tackle one shoebox of dad’s papers and pick up my prescriptions, try to get to bed early.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 54 of 60 days of making every day count and no contact with ex.
Did not manage to make yesterday count because I succumbed to the anger and unhappiness in my soul insted of taking my emotions as information and controlling my reactions. I started out well. A cup of coffee and half a PBJ, aromatherapy lamp going, glorious 3 way cuddle with the pets while watching TV... Made blueberry pancakes for my dad. Then everything went awry and I ate too many after dinner snacks and fell asleep with the lights on.
At least I woke up at 6AM today.Tried to put on sneakers and ride the bike but found I had torn out the stitches in my foot in my sleep and had to do a little first aid. Can't have anything rub on it today so no sneaker friction.
I will make today count by returning the rug cleaner, washing one cabinet down and caulking it, and sorting one shoebox of dad's current papers. These are small goals because I have to take dad to two doctor's appointments, possibly a grocery store and a haircut, and it is going to wear me out.
I want to take a week away and go to a Korean spa and get scrubbed and rubbed till I am pink and new again, then lay by a pool in the sun and forget everything I don't want to think about. Maybe Palm Springs... It's a good place to forget about bad things and parts of you that you don't like for a little bit so you can build back up to being your higher self.
I think that's a good goal to work towards. It will take a while to get to... I'd need to have provisions in place for dad and the pets... and we aren't there yet.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 52 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count.
Box fans have been running on low a couple of days and I woke up without the sore thoat and flu-like feeling. I am ridiculously excited about what the results for the mold test from what I scraped off dad's oxygen machine filter.
Just need to conquer the back and neck pain.
Today I got a haircut. I also made sure I got the hairstylist a gift certificate for the market next door for the holidays. I think this is the first time I have ever consistently gone to the same hairstylist. She always makes me feel better, the cuts she gave me were life changing and she deserved a little holiday cheer. I'm almost never this organized.
I also gave myself the morning off to sleep. Yesterday was just exhausting.
I made today count by working on the rugs and reassembling the living room.
I got dad some chocolate chip cookies and I had too many while doing chores. Got dad Del Taco to get him to go over the bills list I made and ended up getting myself a taco and a chicken avocado bacon salad which I added power greens to to make it more filling... After my birthday I just don't have the will to fight him anymore... but I end up eating badly too.
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Wall heater isn't working and turning it off doesn't stop gas from flowing, even in the pilot box switch. Up late waiting for a technician and decided to compound it by pulling everything out of the kitchen into the dining room so I can donate as much as possible.
Probably not making it to church tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I tried many hairdressers before I found one I liked.
That chicken bacon avocado salad sounds amazing. Was it?
When my step-father was declining, he was on a no-sodium diet. At the end, the doctor said that it was more important for Step-Dad to eat anything, sodium or not. The no-sodium diet probably gave him a little more time with us, until it didn't.
All you can control is what you eat. You do not have to participate in the unhealthy eating, although it's hard. Very hard.
The same thing happened with my mom... Tried desperately to get her to eat... But couldn't. Dad is bine-eating so it throws a different slant on the low sodium diet... I'm really strict about what I bring home so that as he piles on the food he can't pile on as much sodium. So lots of fruit... lowest sodium options for deli, bread... single serving slices of cheese.
Day 51 of 60 of making every day count.
Made yesterday count somehow. Barely remember. I was so tired everything is a blur and I just wanted to fall over almost the whole day yesterday.
Making today count by:
And another milestone date...
Nov 1 is the milestone I set with dad 90 days ago with the bereavement counselor of being ready to open the doors and invite life in together and also make a decision about whether to stay together with me as his caregiver (with in home assistance) or to split apart and have him go to assisted living.
I haven't reminded him about this yet, mostly because I can't really say what I want yet. I thought it would only take me 30 days to get him into a bedroom... But it took me almost the whole 90. Paperwork takes so much more work to go through than clothes or anything else and I had to clear a 10x25 room packed to the ceiling of it with a professional organizer. I lost count of how many trash and recycling bins we filled. If I had to decide based on the last 90 I would say no, pack him off to a nursing home and I'll take the pets and go live in my car if I have to. Every day has been an unbelievable amount of work and struggle with both of us at each other's throats.
Most likely I won't be willing to say that to anyone for another 90 days... have things in order enough to take immediate action on any communicated decisions. There's still another packed bedroom and a garage. Logically I don't need to go through them and toss stuff. I could put him in a home and hire a hoarder cleanout service... But emotionally... Oh geez. I feel like I'm camping in the wilderness excavating a airlplane crash to find pieces of my mom and reassemble the body. Whenever I find something she lost that was precious to her I put it in her beloved cedar dresser with her self portrait on top... and her ashes in it... Like all her missing pieces put together will let her move on.
But I can say that by the end of today, we will be ready to open the doors and invite life in. When the rug dries, I will be able to do yoga. And I will likely be ready to cook Thanksgiving dinner here. If I have anyone who wants to come.
And who knows? With a private bedroom, space to walk, and things in place to have people over, dad might be easier to be around.
Side notes...
The box fan filters were an amazing improvement. I woke up without asthma for the first time since I started sleeping in here. I was so shocked I just laid there trying to figure out why I felt so good before I realized. Nose was still a little plugged and throat was still sore, but I could breathe. If I had the bike in the right spot and my coffee maker in my room I could have hopped right on it and gotten my workout in. Tomorrow.
Black light search revealed cat is shockingly innocent of peeing the house, except the 3 times he looked me square in the eye and pissed the carpet in a fit of rage post-dental surgery. This morning he came to give me wake up snuggles and finally took up teddy bear pose under the blankets. He even rested his throat on my ear so I got the full effect of his purrs. He also snores. We have so much in common.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Trivial perhaps but thank you for your review of the HEPA filter box fans - I know someone who could benefit from this, and Christmas is coming soon.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B013RA1SJG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Day 49 of 60
Chased an ice cream truck for my dad today and felt weirdly out of breath. (Aside from the irony of a fat, middle-aged woman chasing an ice cream truck... I'm not actually in that bad shape. I can do 1/3 of a mile without getting out of breath.)
Possibly moving into this room was a really bad plan. Had the lightning strike that I could check the air I am breathing by ordering another mold test kit and shaking the dust from my dad's oxygen machine filter into it... see if there's any mold spores in it at least.
Did 5 more boxes with the organizer today. Of the mountain of papers my mom hoarded, there are 6 boxes left that I really need to get through this year before I try to tackle my dad's paper hoard... then onto the remaining 119 of their shared hoarde. Who keeps all their junk mail since the 70's???? My parents. Maybe they were worried about running out of tinder. The stuff I find just rips my heart out. She wanted so many things, and got buried under too much stuff.
So tired.
One kitchen cabinet is caulked and contact-papered. My mom was the master of contact paper... she has box after box covered in designer contact paper. When I was little, she made amazing blocks of milk cartons covered in bright, cheery contact paper that I built castles and forts and cat condos with. They were the stuff imaginations are built with. My contact paper on my kitchen shelves is... there. More or less clean... How the hell did she do it? It was a battle of it sticking to me, the counter, the dog, itself... I gave up on the 3rd shelf and didn't even peel the backing off.
Two bright spots... I did catch the ice cream truck. Also, the cat slept at the foot of my bed last night without complaint and did not have to sleep in a cold dark bathroom. He has taken up the position again tonight. Life is so much better when all members of the family sleep happy and warm.
Organizer comes back again tomorrow. One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I used to use contact paper decades ago - looked nice, easy to clean but lasted forever!
My struggle is with the carpet I think... I probably need to drench it in sanitizer to kill the spores in the subfloor and pad.
Day 48 of 60
Gave up on my dad eating healthir today and bought him Del Taco and Diet Coke. I was mostly just so relieved that he was still up and moving around and felt bad that he has felt so deprived he had to go for all the treats for my birthday dinner. Tought I was easing up on him. Mom would berate him and say hard mean truths to get him to back down and behave. But I can't do it... It feels like I am kicking a puppy. Just heard the 10pm phone reminder that plays a message from my mom that dad should check his numbers, take his meds and have a healthy snack. It's like a smack to pick myself up and keep trying.
I just want to hug my mom.
Made today count by clearing 6 boxes of junk mail from mom's hoarde. Still nothing useful. 124 boxes left to go. We keep finding more boxes.
I conquered my mental block about the kitchen and cleared, scrubbed and sprayed one cabinet in the kitchen. It is drying. I will line it with contact paper tomorrow. Debating caulking the cracks inside the cabinets. It would require extra drying time and the kitchen is a horror show.
Why am I going through piles of boxes, scrubbing the kitchen and doing laundry instead of looking for work?
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
That's the thing, all this stuff - the embodiment of the past - is consuming your time and energy when you could be channeling this into your future. Sometimes the only way over it is to go through it. Painful...
Day 47 of 60.
Making today count by:
Fell asleep with the lights on again last night. Just sat down for a break and passed out. Woke up at 5:45 this morning which is getting closer to being on track. Could have done cardio on the trainer but I was just too hungry. Snuck out of the house in sweats without a shower to get coffee and breakfast before the bereavement group. Banging around in the kitchen would have woken up my dad and after birthday dinner last night, I just wanted a peaceful, conflict-free morning to get my week started.
Made progress on my pain cave last night by ordering furnace filters for my box fans to clean the air in my bedroom. Surprisingly expensive, but it will turn 4 box fans into air filters with high draw and possibly keep me off my inhaler and nebulizer. I sprang for secondary filters with baking soda to remove odors. Today I need to find earthquake straps for the mirrors and I’m in business. Could possibly cancel gym membership and save some cash but on days like today, I am glad to have the option of a place to shower and get a cheap healthy meal.
It felt good to get dressed up for my birthday and go to church. There are some beautiful things on H and M right now, but I will hold off. I am currently working on replacing my canvas sneakers (full of embedded glass shards) and my windbreaker (finally disintegrating and shedding little black flakes).
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
https://www.bicycling.com/bikes-gear/a26988598/aldi-trainer-review/
I really liked how you made today count by being able to cross (at least) one task off your list. It made me realize the significance of the successful completion of one thing. I tend to get down on myself when I don't get everything done. That doesn't matter. If I can get one thing done, then the battle is won.
Day 46 of 60.
Happy birthday for me.
The bike trainer is all set up. I will post pictures soon, I just have to work some of the kinks of the setup out so it is messy. I did 45 min cardio on it this morning. I then went to church and breakfast with dad's bereavement counselor. It was a very kind invitation. We went to a restaraunt on the beach.
My meals today were very on track... I made some blueberry protein pancakes this morning for first breakfast. At brunch I had 2 eggs, fruit, and one muffin (they serve 2???? who needs 2 muffins????). Then I had a whole box of figs (yum) and a leftover protein pancake. At dinner I had a spinach mushroom omelette and 1 piece of toast. As a bedtime snack I had a slice of cheese and a slice of turkey.
Dad talked me into going out to dinner tonight. We went to Spires which does have some decent menu options, but I was so tired I didn't pay attention to what he was ordering and was apalled when it came. Full cream chicken gumbo, 2 giant slices of garlic toast, burger patties smothered in gravy and a double order of fried zucchini... so much cholesterol and sodium for a normal person, let alone a congestive heart failure patient. It resulted in a big fight. It wasn't a birthday dinner, it was unwitting assisted suicide. He says it's my fault he ruined my birthday dinner. I set him up. I didn't tell him beforehand what he could order if we went out. I didn't think I needed to. We've been out twice with other people and he's ordered simply both times. I just relaxed for a second and then watching him eat was a slow motion trainwreck. I wanted to push it off the table and drag him out by the ear.
I hope he lasts the night.
I hope I don't dive head first into what remains of his personal papers tomorrow before he wanes up and try to find a piece of mail that qualifies for submitting an application for a meal delivery service for people with serious diseases including congestive heart failure patients.
My head is pounding and my back hurts. So glad I have meds that knock me out.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Today I have a taste for an omelet. Of course, I won't get one, but reading your breakfast and brunch sounded so yummy.
I'm sorry about the birthday dinner though. We've had similar "discussions" with my husband. My daughter still gets disgusted, but I no longer say anything.
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You have done so well with your challenge. Almost at the finish line - you got this!
Risk of falling is very scary. I worry about this with my husband quite often, especially in winter but also anywhere in the house, a store, etc.
I bet! I can't remember, is your husband on a walker?