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happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 13, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 3 of riding before snacking 

So far haven't pulled this off, mostly because the late night snacking is happening at night and I am up till all hours. Last night 5AM because:

  • Dad wouldn't get out of his chair and go to bed with his legs up so we could go out today.
  • The cat wouldn't sleep in my bed, and yowled in the bathroom (I don't want dad stepping barefoot in kitty poop and the cat's having a hard time with constipation vs diarrhea... How much milk is too much milk to make a cat regular?).
  • I was also just miserable with my head cold and the Nyquil didn't help.

Annual physical tomorrow. Critical step in putting myself back together and getting back to work.

Fight with dad last night because he announced he wouldn't pay for the cat's dental work and I hadn't asked him to. I identify with the cat, so him saying he wouldn't do it for the cat reminded me of how he wouldn't get me dental work as a kid.

I will work on being a better, less angry person today.

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/13/2019:
As far as I know cats should not be given milk. Just put out a clean dish of water and a bowl of dry food.....and if you want, some canned cat food can be put out as well...but nothing else. Hope the kittys problem clears up. Your dad may be more comfortable sleeping in a chair of he has congestive heart failure......

happy-1 on 11/13/2019:
He's supposed to be able to sleep in the recliner, but can't see his laptop from there. He's sleeping in a desk chair on wheels and hunching forward. He's going to fall on his face.


questforthebest on 11/13/2019:
Sending big hugs <3 sorry you're having such a hard time with your Dad


legcramps on 11/14/2019:
I really wish there was something you could do about constantly fighting with Dad. It's not a good situation for either of you to be in and I feel that you are such a caring and kind person and that life is just being sucked away from you. I cared for my Dad for a few months before he died, and I know a little bit about being the caregiver. But I also was able to keep my distance - an entirely different situation than yours. Your health always comes first.


Donkey on 11/14/2019:
Shouldn't give adult cats milk...


Donkey on 11/14/2019:
I hope you can work things out with dad. You've given a lot to help him, even if he can't appreciate your efforts at this time.


horn_of_plenty on 11/16/2019:
Love your new challenge of bike riding before snacking ....

I think your dad May not be able to always communicate effectively with you and maybe don’t take his words to heart anymore



happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 12, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 2 of riding bike before snacking.

So far I owe the bike 15 minutes from last night's snacks. Dad wanted desert (made him an ensure blended with frozen mango) which made me hungry so I had cherry tomatoes, then a kaiser roll with butter... and a second roll with butter.

I am seriously considering getting an overbed desk for the bike to put my laptop on.

The way this lady has hers setup looks like a good way to do it... Her TV is on a separate shelf and then her laptop or phone is next to her handlebars. If she added aero bars, she could lean forward and type while riding.

Nothing like a morning @gozwift - even if you have to set the alarms early in order to beat the heat ☀️with @amyshorephotography (someone wants to unlock her @assosofswitzerland #zwiftmission jersey - set #fans to freeze Mr Sulu! ❄️#rideon #zwift #summersun #indoorcycling #ride #bike #cycle #cycling #trainingday #training #londoncourse

Biggest consideration is that it is not non-tip like the $300 ones I see for bikes... This is $40 and I like the back edge so I can't push a coffee cup onto the floor... Maybe I can find a bracket at a hardware store and screw a broom handle into it for a third leg. There's tons of these out there but I don't see any in people's bike trainer setups. They all have tray tables next to their bikes.

UNKU Adjustable Overbed Table, Laptop Cart Laptop Table With Wheels, Dark Grain

Woke up with a sore throat and body aches. Hope it's just that I forgot to turn on the fan filters and I'm not getting sick. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/12/2019:
I have a larger cardboard box (held a CPU) next to my bike, to place my coffee, water bottle, TV remotes, phone.


legcramps on 11/13/2019:
Sometimes I pull up a tv tray and use that, other times i'll position my bike so that it's near an apparatus I can put my water bottles on, like the dinner table, or a window ledge. If i'm using my laptop, i'll just put it down on a side table - even if i'm looking down at it, it's good enough honestly. My bike is in my living room so I can roll it right up to my tv also. Then I just get off my bike if I need to change the channel, you tube video, etc. It's really not a big deal. All I can see in getting a special stand for your laptop is a waste of money.


legcramps on 11/13/2019:
/| /| | | only my opinion!! sorry if I sounded aggressive there!



happy-1 - Monday Nov 11, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 1 of 60 days of biking before I snack

This is after midnight... but I wanted to just dump out here... Got into a fight with my dad because I was running around and being a little terse and he asked me what was wong and why I was unhappy and I indulged myself and told him why... I don't know why I did it. I knew his apology would just be a cop out and infuriating. He won't do anything about making amends. All I did was create more stress and drama.

Basically I shared that I am still upset about my birthday 2 weeks later...  He said I am sorry you are still upset about your birthday. You have no idea what you do to me every day. When we went I was hungry and tired. I told him that I feel that apology was a cop out.

More today/tomorrow. I did my checklist as much as I could. I'm just turning off the computer and going to bed.

---

Dad at least tried calling the meal delivery service today. I was pretty impressed... That would be a huge load off me. I feel like I do nothing but go to the grocery store and I can't get him to eat in a structured way so he is always hungry.

Got dad to a doctors appointment today for leg wraps. He started crying after because mom always took him to do that and helped him when he was using bandages. I wish I had helped her more. The house was so full of stuff I could never think past how overwhelming it was.

My big victory today was figuring out why I wasn't getting any resistance on the trainer, getting on the bike for 20 min, and getting my heartrate up to the 130s for 20 min. My dog was fascinated and kept sticking her head by the pedal and getting knocked in the face the whole time. I think she was remembering when I used to ride my bike and she'd run next to me. Poor old dementia doggie. I luv her.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/11/2019:
I can see why you chose to "go there "... sometimes you just get to the point where it has to come out.

I see what you're saying about the apology feeling like a cop-out, too. (((hugs)))

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
I am looking forward to the caregiver group that is starting up again in January. It's hard to figure out what is sharing my thoughts vs being mean vs setting boundaries when my dad is really not able to do anything for himself and is completely dependent on me... and there is nobody else in his life here regularly.

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
But also maybe it was good. He looked at one of the completed forms I filled out and reviewed it... this one was for the meal delivery service.


questforthebest on 11/11/2019:
hi there, yoh family dynamics. can get so complicated... I have been learning, the very hard way, that sometimes we need to accept that people will not live up to our expectations and just allow them to be. I also always project my expectation onto people and find I am often disappointed.

Cute doggie! so curious <3

happy-1 on 11/12/2019:
She's the best. I love that she has a happy memory she wants to relive.

happy-1 on 11/12/2019:
Expectations are the root of disappointment.


BearCountryGG on 11/12/2019:
As someone about the same age as your Dad.....I can see his mighty fight to hang onto his own life as he knows it......Our kids ( who are in their 50's).... frequently are now referring to and treating us as if we are just on deaths doorstep ( we even think that about ourselves at times)...but we want to keep control of our own lives as long as we can. We want to be happy as I'm sure your Dad does as well....we have our favorite foods, we have our favorite pass times...we just want to be happy and relatively comfortable...just as we have our entire lives. When the time comes for me to need help from my sons...I hope that they will allow me to be me.....and will help me if I ask.....dignity is so important in our happiness and it is freeing for our kids so that they can continue to live their own lives........I know you want the best for your Dad......and that might just be to let him be himself and life what life he has left be lived as he sees fit and you will be able to live your life better too. I've been the caretaker....it isn't easy at all.......don't forget that time waits for no one.....enjoy your life right now too.

happy-1 on 11/13/2019:
I think you guys are probably in your 70's then? He's younger but his biological age is closer to lat 80's early 90's because he just sat in his recliner and never moved for 37 years and ate junk food, never saw anyone but my mom, etc. His mind is still going and he's trapped in his body and a slave to his appetite for junk food.

He isn't just trying to hang onto his own life, he's just this side of suicidal and desperately unhappy, and doesn't understand why his life isn't perfect and I didn't turn out as awesome as my cousins did who are corporate lawyers, CEOs, UN leaders... But that all takes a lot of work and we were on the other side of the country.

I'm picking up his habits and following his path and I need to turn that around.


Maria7 on 11/12/2019:
You are a wonderful Daughter.



happy-1 - Sunday Nov 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 60 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count

I can’t believe I crossed a finish line for anything  I set for myself as a goal. I have never managed to do that for myself... I always fell off as soon as I hit any road bump. Just now as I am writing this, I realized that what it was was a simple substitution... Instead of texting my ex or calling him or crying about him... I had to do something from my project plan to make that day count. Didn’t matter what the priority was or if something else would have helped more... I just did whatever my energy was at for handling task complexity. I apologize for the 40 or so days I did not read other people’s logs or respond to comments... I will look and read and pick up my slack. Between my mom’s passing, my dad’s health and drama, complete and total heartbreak over my ex, overwhelm at the sheer total of work ahead of me, I just went down and after it with blinders on for a little bit.

Since my biggest self destructive act right now is eating snacks after dinner, my next 60 day push is just to ride my bike on the trainer for an Alexa 5 min timer before I eat anything after dinner. Not intensely, just lightly to make myself wait and resolve whatever is eating me instead of eating my emotions. I will keep a pair of shoes and a bottle of water by the bike at all times to make this easier.

I celebrated my success and set a goal for the next 60 day push... To fit into an "oversized" Lululemon size 12 rain jacket to replace my disintegrating windbreaker... I had to do it... it was on clearance, it is long enough to cover my butt after yoga, and packs down into a belt bag. No returns... so I have to make it fit. 

Bedtime checklist helped me start getting back to a routine today. I woke up, started coffee, got dressed, and got to church (late but I made it). The substitution I need to make is to put a different alarm clock there... It is too hard to reset and hitting any button changes the time. I was up till 2:30 am trying to get my dad to go to bed ao he wouldn’t fall out of his chair and then slept too late. My alarm was my cat who decided enough was enough and I should get up and feed him. Good kitty.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/10/2019:
Good idea on the after dinner bike ride! It has worked for me.

Congratulations on completing 60 days!!!

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Thank you!!!!!!

Hugs. You were the inspiration. Would really have helped me tonight.


Donkey on 11/11/2019:
Love the jacket!

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Spendy... but I couldn't resist something that will make life so much easier when the Santa Ana winds start up.



happy-1 - Saturday Nov 09, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 59 of 60

Made this morning count by staying on track to get to yoga and coming back to take dad out, no matter what. It was the plan and I stuck to my agenda.

Didn't actually make it out. Dad worked himself up into an anxiety spin over an errand we wee supposed to do together and his breakfast came back up. He spent the day stewing in anger, yelling at me everytime he saw me. I just turned around and went back to my bedroom each time. This, however, meant I made no progress on the kitchen.

All the more reason to work on fitness and self care.

Bedtime checklist super helped. Tonight I put the alarm clock next to the coffee maker so I turn it on faster.

Meeting a friend at church tomorrow. Just braving "all the people" to keep one friend. It's worth it.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/09/2019:
Sounds like you are planning ahead really well......

happy-1 on 11/10/2019:
Trying. Plan A, plan B, plan c... lol. I think I might be on plan Z!


Donkey on 11/10/2019:
Ugh, no fun to get yelled at all day :-(

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Yeah... Exhausting. My challenge is going to be to stay centered and control how I interpret the events going on around me. If a parrot squawked nonstop I would not take it personally. I need to think about it like the normal noise he makes.



happy-1 - Friday Nov 08, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 58 no contact and making every day count 

Did not make yesterday count. Back strain + binge eating. Muscle relaxer helped today and I slept most of the day. Got up today and cleaned the bathrooms and the patio. Wore myself out again.

2 days left on "No contact". Prepping myself for the phone not to ring on day 61. I do really miss him... Not just having some company... although I miss that too. I miss how much confidence he gave me that I can pick myself up and pull myself together because he's done it for himself so many times... Plus it would have been a happy future to look forward to. He's long gone and probably in a new relationship already.

I deserve a life of my own and someone to share it with, but I feel like I am running out of gas on motivation and vision. Looking at my project plan today at least helped me get out of my own way and dig through more of my dad's papers.

Because I kicked my own butt, I get to say that I made today count by finding four (not just one but four!) essential documents to move myself forward on getting back to work.

I also bought two digital photo frames I can send to mom's friends so they can see photos of things as I go through all her treasures.

---

Breakfast: cup of grapes, 1 piece of cheese, water

Snack: 2 pieces of whole grain toast, unsalted butter, coffee, mct creamer, nonfat powdered milk.

Lunch: Leftover chicken stir fry from last night, seltzer

Snack: RX bar

Snack: RX bar

Dinner: Broccoli, sweet potato, unsalted butter, chicken thigh

Snack: grapes, 2 cheese sticks, supplements

Snack: PBJ on wheat

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/09/2019:
I think that if we can make it through the day without getting arrested or causing major destruction, that we've made this day count.

happy-1 on 11/09/2019:
Ha!!!! If you don't need bail money, you're ok?



happy-1 - Thursday Nov 07, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 57 of 60 of making every day count and no contact with ex.

Hard to believe I am actually about to cross the finish line on a "challenge" I have set for myself. I can't remember ever actually pulling anything off over this period of time before. Usually I fall off track if there is a major upset or drama... or if I just get bummed. I may not have done every day perfectly and there were some days I just fell over, but I did everything I was capable of doing every day. I think the next "challenge" I will set for myself is to increase my ability to do more every day.

Need to think about how I will do that. When I made my before bed checklist, there were 35 things I needed to do to be able to go to bed. No wonder I have been up till 2AM.

Yesterday, the only thing I did to make it count was to sort 3/4 of a shoebox of dad's papers and go through the books on the shelves in the living room and try to start tidying them up... the bookshelves were just a mess of things stuffed everywhere, biooks faling over and dust. Now at least they are in order. I think I was just super, super tired and my back really hurt. Feeling better today.

Not sure yet what I will do to make it count... So far I have done a lot of tidying but nothing that moves me forward to getting back to work.

Dad scared me by almost falling out of his office chair last night when he tried to stand. If he falls, my time will go to changing diapers and full assist, not going back to work. So most of my time loss was to research a change in dad's computer setup for fall prevention using cheap products off Amazon for about $250... Which seems like a decent price. He's in a rolling office chair and scared me last night by almost falling out of it. I think if I put the recliner on risers ($40), have an over bed/arm chair desk on wheels ($70), and then mount his monitor and laptop on arms ($140) to swing forward from a separate desk on the side, he can sit in the recliner, pull the desk closer to him, and then pull the monitors toward him to see the screens up close.

I'll start with the monitor risers. YES. If he can stand up easier with a 3" lift... Everything else works.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/08/2019:
You have done so well with your challenge. Almost at the finish line - you got this!

Risk of falling is very scary. I worry about this with my husband quite often, especially in winter but also anywhere in the house, a store, etc.

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
I bet! I can't remember, is your husband on a walker?



happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 06, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 56 of 60

Made yesterday count by:

  • Sorting 5 shoe boxes of dad's papers
  • Doing basics... prescriptions, groceries, gas. Returned stuff

Yesterday with dad was hard and he said mean things.Got stressed out, stayed up too late again and woke up at 9. Mind over matters and things that don't matter. Just because he is hard and mean to himself and it bubbles out to me does not mean that I have to listen to it or think that way about myself. But it's too many days in a row of stress and I am burned out.

Things I did to boost myself up again...

  • Texted a friend
  • Called my aunt
  • Hugged the cat
  • Made up pill packs so I can start and end my day in an organized way (vitamins, meds)
  • Set up coffee for AM night before to just turn it on when I woke up
  • Bought a curtain rod online so I can hang curtains and open the blinds for more light in the mornings
  • Bought a shower curtain that looks like a grey forest so I can hide the wall where I had to tear off loose wallpaper that hid mildew... I can't look at it. Hopefully the shower curtain won't mildew
  • Worked on my grocery price comparison sheet
  • Got on my bike today and rode it for 20 min
  • Ate healthy breakfast (coffee, mct creamer, powdered milk, hard boiled eggs, norwegian crisp bread)
  • Eating healthy lunch (turkey meatloaf, potatoes, tomato sauce, greens)
  • Washed my sheets
  • Started collecting things from around the house for a meditation corner
  • Contemplated buying a himalayan salt lamp, sage smudge sticks, and a fountain... but not ready to add new things to my space
  • Decided to forgive and forget. Offered to take dad out with me when I go to pick up the curtain rod and go wherever he wants on the way home even though it would mean not going to yoga (lucked out that he did not feel up to going)
  • Tracked down where my favorite yoga instructor moved to 

Breathing deep. Focusing. Getting back on track. Pushing that anxiety monster down.

Productivity goal for today is to make the calendar for the month and sort additional shoe boxes of dad's papers. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

legcramps on 11/07/2019:
I'm sorry Dad was mean to you...it's hard not to take our frustrations out on the people closest to us. You are doing a great job.

happy-1 on 11/07/2019:
Thanks. Just have to shake it off, right?


Donkey on 11/08/2019:
In spite of the difficulty, this was a productive day!

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
Trying every day. When I cross 60 days, I'll look back and see where my time went.



happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 05, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 55 of 60

Only things I managed to do yesterday were return the rug cleaner and take dad to the doctor. OMG it wore me out. Apparently dad has barely any fluid in his lungs now. I thought he was not using oxygen at home because he’s a pain in the pain in the ass but it is actually because he is doing better. I must have looked awful because his doctor gave me a hug and told me I am doing everything right and to just hang in there. I feel like I look awful.

He did seem droopy this morning so I made him use it. He felt better and started ordering me to do things before I had even had my coffee. I am now exhausted again.

Too tired and stressed Got a late start this morning (10ish) and then got disrupted from cardio by getting involved with dad while feeding the pets. I need to get my bedtime and AM routine under control ASAP. This probably means buying the smallest microwave possible for my bedroom, making a new before bed checklist, and trying to get out of the house first thing in the AM instead of trying to ride my bike first. If I am here, I am sucked in and stressed out before I can accomplish anything..

Today I will tackle one shoebox of dad’s papers and pick up my prescriptions, try to get to bed early.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/06/2019:
Some days are just like that. I think you have some good ideas/steps to take to prevent/avoid this from happening too often. I like the before-bed checklist idea, and definitely the getting out of the house first thing. It seems to me, from what you have written, that when linger at home in the morning, the chaos follows shortly and remains for the rest of the day.

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
Yeah, I think the coffee, bike ride, and news was a bit of a pipe dream. I'd have gone out first thing today if my back was in better shape.


innerpeace on 11/06/2019:
You are a champion in your own right! I hope your day is better.

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
Thank you. Hugs.



happy-1 - Monday Nov 04, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 54 of 60 days of making every day count and no contact with ex. 

Did not manage to make yesterday count because I succumbed to the anger and unhappiness in my soul insted of taking my emotions as information and controlling my reactions. I started out well. A cup of coffee and half a PBJ, aromatherapy lamp going, glorious 3 way cuddle with the pets while watching TV... Made blueberry pancakes for my dad. Then everything went awry and I ate too many after dinner snacks and fell asleep with the lights on.

At least I woke up at 6AM today.Tried to put on sneakers and ride the bike but found I had torn out the stitches in my foot in my sleep and had to do a little first aid. Can't have anything rub on it today so no sneaker friction.

I will make today count by returning the rug cleaner, washing one cabinet down and caulking it, and sorting one shoebox of dad's current papers. These are small goals because I have to take dad to two doctor's appointments, possibly a grocery store and a haircut, and it is going to wear me out.

I want to take a week away and go to a Korean spa and get scrubbed and rubbed till I am pink and new again, then lay by a pool in the sun and forget everything I don't want to think about. Maybe Palm Springs... It's a good place to forget about bad things and parts of you that you don't like for a little bit so you can build back up to being your higher self.

I think that's a good goal to work towards. It will take a while to get to... I'd need to have provisions in place for dad and the pets... and we aren't there yet.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/06/2019:
I'm sorry the day turned sour so quickly over blueberry pancakes, of all things.

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
It's like groundhog day... I get up and I try and it goes badly anyway.

happy-1 on 11/08/2019:
The solution to which... of course... is to stay centered in my own being and not react to things. Just calmly observe them as if they are happening around me but I am not affected by them. Detachment.



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