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happy-1 - Saturday Mar 24, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

232.8 ... still a little up but not as much as I was. I will start fitness and nutrition tracking again on Monday... but it still felt good and reassuring to weigh in and then eat a tub of power overnight oats and drink my coffee that I set up last night. If only protein powder worked like a coffee creamer.

I actually was able to sleep in my own bed last night. I've been sleeping upright on the couch for two weeks. My dog was funny last night. She kept herding me into bed over and over. She was so excited when I actually got in and laid down. She has been really anxious about me. This morning she crawled up for extra good morning cuddles. I haven't taken the codeine yet and was able to make it through doing my hair just on ibuprofen. ---- Major accomplishment for today was to take a load to hazmat collection. I filled up the whole passenger seat. Then I went grocery shopping and tried to replace the battery for my drill. No luck.


Bedtime meditation

3 grats 1) my parents, 2) that I am starting to get things together,3) that I have a good place to go tomorrow morning

Fitness pride: I worked on cleaning up at home and bought healthy groceries

Obstacles: pain, tired, lonely, dog won't eat

Success: coffee somewhere, maybe evening services

Selfless act: nothing today.

Intention for tomorrow is to heal.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/24/2018:
I bet it was a relief to sleep in bed after so long.

happy-1 on 03/24/2018:
Omg... yes. Actual sleep is amazing.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/25/2018:
hmmm, can u use some protein powder in your coffee...if you had a blender it could work i think!

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Right? Put that on my list of invention ideas

Donkey on 03/25/2018:
Ohh, IDK about protein powder in coffee. I continue to send healing thoughts your way. PS I love your bedtime meditations and that you share them with us :-)

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Thanks!!! They are part of the 60 day challenge but we are supposed to do them privately but I feel like putting them in my posts helps me do them consistently. I do think they help me quiet my mind and fall asleep better. Any time not distracted or busy and my anxiety starts to spin. Last night I started to get anxious and I just replayed my meditation in my head till I felt calmer, then I put on a Neil Gaiman audiobook and I fell right to sleep. Plus people give me feedback on them and it helps me feel calmer.

trishpiglet3 on 03/25/2018:
Also love the bedtime meditations.

I've taken codeine in the past (used to get major pain from Raynauds disease) - I don't know if you've used it before but, in case you haven't, it can cause constipation. Also it's a good idea to avoid taking on an empty stomach. It's not the funnest drug to have to take but it can be useful for severe pain.

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Yeah... Haven't had that complication yet. But I eat a lot of yogurt... that might be helping. It sounds like you are a major warrior for health, between fighting off circulation problems AND prediabetes, then also working on helping people stop smoking. I love that you've made your professional and personal battles align for maximum compatibility!

happy-1 - Friday Mar 23, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Missing the DA meeting tonight since I am still on pain killers and can't drive. It feels a little like someone whacked me in the head straight on with a baseball bat. Giving myself a few days to bounce back and starting over on Monday with diet and fitness. Went to Costco today and got protein piwder, broccoli, blueberries, chicken, and vitamins.


I deeply wish I had frozen yogurt. Watching Bachelor Winter Games... It's actually pretty good... horrified I like it. I blame the pain killers.


Bedtime meditation... 2 days worth:

1 - 3 grats: 1) for my mom who drove my car back from the endodontist and then after to run errands yesterday, as well as to costco today. It meant that I could be on pain meds steadily and I really needed them. She isn't physically up to much and even that is a strain... and she's ony 65! It was a real sacrifice on her part. 2) for my dad yesterday who ate my homemade turkey burrito bowls without complaint when that was what I could pull together after my root canal. He was chomping at the bit to go to McDonalds but it was raining and my mom was wrecked. 3) for the endodontist who fit me in for the next day appointment and said gentle encouraging things while I toughed out a super painful and expensive procedure, 4) for the dental assistant who was just nice to me and chatted about happy pleasant distracting things and put me at ease, 5) for the money to pay for it, 6) for feeling better today, 7) for whatever pharmacist at costco stocked extra adhd meds so I didn't have to special order this time when I was down to my last 2 days. I forgot to put in my order ahead and sometimes it can take a week or more... I am super glad I didn't have to go through withdrawl or lose effectiveness this week when I am starting to pull it back together.

2 - Obstacles: Pain, money, not being able to drive. Dog is frustrated and restless. My life is chaotic and a wreck. Molly is still drifting away. I feel lonely. Pain meds meant missing the DA meeting tonight.

3 - Heroic vision of success - Tomorrow I will work on my application for a scholarship and certify for edd benefits.

4 - Selfless act - Yesterday I told the lady in the waiting room at the dentist that the giant yelp of pain and sound of kicking was me and it was because I had a terrible huge abcess, and that the Dr does very good work and her daughter was in good hands so that she would be at ease. Today, I heard my dad complaining that he couldn't eat breakfast because there was no butter so I got up and made hm pancakes, sausage, and eggs even though it wasn't on my schedule and I was supposed to be able to sleep in. Then I sat and had breakfast with him this morning and tried to keep him company (although I was kind of insufferable because pain meds hadn't kicked in yet so I dunno any of it counts.)

5 - Set your intention for tomorrow - To heal

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Donkey on 03/23/2018:
I agree with everything you said - even the frozen yogurt! I would definitely give yourself time to recover. Sounds like you're prepared for next week!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Hugs! Yes. A little hard to not go back to "trying" again but I'll just flop over and beat myself up about it after. Better to just sit here and watch Bachelor Winter Games and pick at things that need working on that are sitting in front of me and work on working on it starting Monday. A little lonely so getting your note really perked me up. Thank you!

bearcountrygg on 03/24/2018:
Boy...you sure had a day....but so happy to hear that the dentist visit is now behind you. I think you are actually pretty sweet with your parents....it's not easy to care for people that can be a challenge...but I think your parents are feeling that you love them and are returning that love to you in better behavior towards you. It sounds like there is a lot of cooperation going on...and that can only be good. As tough as it can be...you 3 are a team. Relax and feel better...

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Hugs, thank you for the kind words! It really gave me a lift.

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 22, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Root canal done. OMG.

Big hugs to all here. TTYL tomorrow. 

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 03/23/2018:
i hope they gave you some pain relievers a good strength to get thru the healing part now! good job!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Tylenol with codeine. They offered me Norco but the codeine lets me function.

bearcountrygg on 03/23/2018:
Feeling better today?

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Sooooo much better!

Donkey on 03/23/2018:
Congratulations - you got it done!!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Right??? Definitely the right decision.

happy-1 - Wednesday Mar 21, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Forgot to weigh in. Was up at 6 (alarm). Cruising on ibuprophen.


Changed dental consults today. Just couldn't get over that nervous, sick feeling about going up to the one I was referred to. This one comes highly recommended from my old dentist and they use 3D Cone-Beam Imaging instead of x-rays. 3D Cone Beam imaging shows them the crack or split and how far down it goes, the abcesses and how they are spreading or burst, where all the roots are, if they curve, and how far down they go. This makes the process safer and cleaner and leaves less risk of post-treatment issues. The total amount is only $100 more including a permanent filling than the one I was referred to and I feel a lot calmer about the whole thing.


Goal today is to get my car smogged.


Car is smogged! Registration is paid! On time! No penalty! Happy day! I was so happy I gave my puppy cuddles and squishes for an hour while watching Agent Carter on Hulu. She put up with many insults to her person, no spot went un-rubbed, every inch was spooned. Much fur was released. No dog cuddles harder than an old dog. I gave up when she grumbled at me. Nap time for the puppy.

Celebratory dinner is chile rellenos (cheese stuffed), spanish rice, black beans and wilted greens. One of these days I will have to make horchata or a chia fresca. This is my first attempt. My dad really likes them and they are so cheap to make I have to give it a try. Dessert is a raspberry cobbler. Have to use up the raspberries in the freezer that have been there forever.


Bedtime meditation

3 grats: 1) that I saw my registration was due tomorrow and I got everything taken care of today. I can mail it in tomorrow am. 2) that i was able to get in tomorrow with the new dentist for tomorrow and the receptionist was nice. That the pain wasn't bad today or tonight. 3) That I managed to wake up eqrly and get my dog out for a walk before it started raining. 4) that i still have my parents with me and I get a chance to make things good for a bit.

Obstacles: pain, hunger, exhaustion, money, disorganization, old people, dog fur. CRAMPS!!!!!

Heroic vision for tomorrow: go to dentist. Get there on time. Look at programs to apply for while I wait.

Selfless act: hmmm... let's try taking on a new cheap recipe my dad likes and I can make every week. I think the ingredients for dinner were about $5 and there were 4ish servings. I also bought the groceries and did all the dishes.

Oh wait no... the lady in back of me at the dmv was wearing scrubs and pacing anxiously so I let her go in front of me. Almost forgot.

Does that mean I have a bonus to cover tomorrow ?


B: 7am 2 pieces white toast, margerine, 2 eggs

S: skipped

L: box of mac n cheese w margerine

S: 2 glasses of hot tea with stevia and half and half. Some leftover brownie.

D: 2 chille rellenos, spanish rice, black beans, mozzarella, avocado, salsa

S: more tea with half n half, dessert didn't work as planned.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 03/21/2018:
Sounds like you made a good choice with the dentist:)

also, i never heard of getting a car smogged but i am sure in CA there are more environmental tests since i think you guys have higher pollution rates over there on the west coast!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Yeah mine is a 2010 but with older vehicles it is an issue.

Maria7 on 03/21/2018:
What a very sweet person you are (I've been reading about your selflish acts especially regarding your Mother, washing her dishes and other things you do for her and all and it would be nice if everyone in the world was as kind as you are). I will be praying your dental appt goes well. You have done outstanding holding out to get it taken care of but it is wonderful that you have found someone to help you and hopefully soon you will be well and will have it all behind you. Have a good evening. :-)

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Ha. More like I am trying to be a better person and using this as a place to be accountable. But thanks for the kind words and I will work to live up to them.

Donkey on 03/21/2018:
So glad to hear about the new dentist -- YES. For a small difference in price, sounds like you'd be getting a much better evaluation. I do understand now why you were hesitant before. I've been to so many ******* doctors before -- insulting, incompetent, weird - YUCK. So best go with someone you're feeling good about working with.

LOL on the smog. When I arrived in Vegas last year, I saw signs for "Smog $15.00". I asked my brother, Why on earth would anyone pay for smog? LOL!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Yeah, and then they are offended that you aren't buying their BS. Yes, please I'd love to go to a dentist whose emergency number doesn't work, can't see me for 2 weeks, and isn't using current technology.

Smog rules in CA = fewer cool off-road vehicles.

happy-1 - Tuesday Mar 20, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

234.6 probably pms water retention since I am not eating much.

Got sooo much sleep and haven't had much in a week so I won't kick myself for waking up at 10 and taking a long time to get going. I couldn't do much until the codeine kicked in so I just watched tv and straightened up to keep my mind off the pain. Tidying, tidying, tidying.


Today I walked up to the corner diner and am reading through all my mail. I hate paperwork so it piles up and stresses me out and creates needless chaos in my life. Tackling my paper tiger today though. Grrr. Get after it. I am sure it looks weird but I can't get any tasks done at home that requires a sustained period of focus. My parents or my dog always want something and then my focus is gone and nothing gets done. Plus it is clutter overwhelm. 


Pushed it through to go to the DA meeting by me tonight. Nice folks. They had more literature and stuff than the one in LB so I spent $5 for some pamphlets. I think the luscious tall hot alpha bearded guy was checking me out???? A couple of sidelong looks???? No idea. Probably not as I had no hair or makeup and just schlepped over and I am dying of pain. Didn't stick around to talk to him as my tooth was saying "Get me home and give me whiskey now!!!!". I don't think this is a pond I want to fish in. Considering how scarce the meetings are, I don't want to not be able to go to the one nearest to home.

On the other hand I might have just looked half dead and he was making sure I wasn't about to die.

One of the ladies said that a dental school is a bad idea. They slipped and cut her tongue in half, then had to stitch it back together.



Dog is very confused as to why we still aren't sleeping in my big soft bed together. This thing where I am sleeping upright on the couch and she sleeps in her dog bed at my feet is very upsetting and I should stop it right now, silly human.

Sorry pup. I hate it too. Consultation tomorrow.

---- Bedtime meditation:

3 grats: 1) the people running the da meeting. Sounds like they have some challenges but are still trying to keep it going. 2) my dad for not giving me a hard time when he found out i had gone up to the diner alone. 3) my dog for eating as soon as I fed her tonight. 4) that tomorrow i can wake up and reapply for the scholarship. 5) that I have made it this far with the pain and can see a dentist tomorrow.

Fitness pride: I tried to not overeat despite how hungry I was. I walked. I relieved stress by going to da.

Obstacles: pain!!!!! Money. Clutter. Too many dishes.

Vision of success: i will go to get my car smogged and the dentist tomorrow.

Selfless act: I went into my mom's room and dug out all her dishes and washed them for her. We wash our own dishes and it is a rule I am normally a stickler about... but it was bedtime and it was my closest selfless act available.


S: pbj on white with milk

B: skipped

L: spinach omlette with cheese

S: cottage cheese and fruit

S: part of a huge slice of carrot cake. Coffee with 6 creamers. Working on opening all my mail. Felt I deserved a second round to help me power through.

S: Part of a lemonade and a part of a bag of cheezitz.

D: 2 pieces white toast, butter, 2 poached eggs

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Donkey on 03/20/2018:
I think you're doing remarkably well under the circumstances. I hate paperwork too!!!!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
TY. I try, try, and try again.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/21/2018:
Good job getting out to the DA and not overeating :)

also, good luck at the dentist & reapplying for scholarship :)

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
One foot in front of the other! Slow progress is still progress!

happy-1 - Monday Mar 19, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8


Up at 2:30am with a toothache so I just stayed up. Second round of scholarship applications due to irregular scheduling at the university extension that will take a year to complete because one of the professors is out on leave. So normally takes 6 months but will take 1 year right now.



Yep. Program can't pass because it will go past 1 year. And I have a splitting headache I need to clear before I can tackle searching for one.




Bought a loaf of white bread... I know, I know... But it is all I can chew.


Goal for today is to submit another training application.



S: Glucerna, borrowed from mom.

B: 2 pieces of white bread, smart balance, 2 soft boiled eggs. 

S: milk, 2 pieces of white bread, smooth peanut butter, 1 packet jam no seeds

L: 2 more glucerna stolen from Mom. Have to buy her a case next week.

S: diet pepsi, box of mac n cheese. Nice nap and the comb killed the massive headache

D: pineapple juice

S: brownie

Bedtime meditation

3 grats: 1) my mom for the ride home from schol application. 2) my dog for eating right away, 3) my dad for doing dishes

Fit pride: i went to bed early last night. I didn't push it and came home after my meeting and most importantly did not drive while in pain or on codeine.

Obstacles: pain, clutter, money, stress

Visualize heroics: i will wake up early, walk for coffee and read mail.

Selfless act: I took my clothes out of the hall and gave my mom access to the hoarder room like she has been asking me for. Let's not split hairs as to whether that was a selfless act. My head is killing me and it was what I could come up with today.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/19/2018:
What about the dentist?

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Consult on Wed. Placeholder appointment on friday. Just found out they don't do MRIs... For $2700 out of pocket, I want an MRI. Might change dentists.

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Someday I will have someone in my life who can organize me when I'm sick to get actual medical care on a relevant timeline. I have insurance, I have cash, but trying to talk to dentists when your head is a giant pain mass is not going well. I'm probably doing this as ineptly as possible.

Donkey on 03/19/2018:
I'm so sorry you are having difficulties... Do you need an MRI for what you're going to have done? Just normal "check-up" x-rays run around $600 for me... Now that I've lost my dental insurance, I won't be getting x-rays any more. Bad enough I have to pay for the cleaning...

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Dental insurance is only like $50 a month and you get a free cleaning every year so it more or less works out.

An MRI tells you before they open the tooth if it is salvageable or not and if not it is a cleaner extract and bone grafting

horn_of_plenty on 03/20/2018:
hey eggs and white bread toast is goood...if you feel the need to eat lots, you can have egg whites..lots of them...sf jello too...and some bread, why not!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Because it is terrible for you?

horn_of_plenty on 03/20/2018:
it's no fun to be in pain, i hope it gets better for you soon..like the others are saying to you!

happy-1 - Sunday Mar 18, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Still home... teeth are killing me. I have however gotten a few things done around the house I have been putting off in an effort to keep my mind off the pain. Just a few projects here and there but each one gets me closer to feeling more together.

Missed the DA meeting on Friday and am sorry I didn't go. I need an injection of "get after it" and hearing stories of people who have turned things around made a big difference in my energy and focus. I was in too much pain to do the drive


Super hot dude I met off OkCupid is back! Job didn't work out and he missed his friends and kids so he came back to the US. Super flattered he thought of me.


Found a completely empty 4 drawer filing cabinet in my parents hoard... surrounded by boxes of paper.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 03/19/2018:
you sound like you have lots going on now - you are def not a lazy person :)

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Aw, thanks!

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 15, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Weigh: 230.6. Glad to see that all the junk I am eating due to pain, stress, and pms isn't going nuclear on my weight. It gives me hope. Fitbit says I got about 5h of sleep last night. More than I have had in days. I woke up almost pain free this morning. The antibiotics are starting to help and it almost feels like I have a real tooth again. My tummy is a bit of a mess. I don't know if it is the antibiotics or the teething gel but I just feel sick and acidic. Glad I stuck probiotics in my supplement packs this month.

Today is more putting my life in order tasks. I am staying put a but on purpose, a bit because of cash flow, but trying to see it as an opportunity to tackle tasks I haven't wanted to do. I am working the living room, dining room and kitchen like a grid for chaos and clutter... then throwing sheets over each "done" section I can't do anything else about right now and writing down distractions as they come to me so I don't get sidetracked.

I will conquer. I will overcome.


Skip this part if you don't want to read a bummer story.

Had a rough time doing my selfless act today. I did the thing I really, really, really hate doing which is taking my dad grocery shopping. It means everything to him because he can't drive anymore Normally I hate it because we fight the whole way but it flipped on me. I was in way over my head. We started out ok but in the second stop he had a low blood sugar episode in the checkout line so I grabbed some m and ms, paid for his groceries, and while I was paying he just started hitting me with the cart and wedged me against the wall and rammed the cart through till he was free. Apparently he had to go to the bathroom and even with the m and m's he was crashing so hard it was like he was drunk. I had seen it before in private but this was my first time in public... and it was both scary and humiliating. I was really scattered, but I got him to subway for a sandwich. He was being really difficult and it took 3 hours to get him four blocks home. I compounded it by having a small meltdown on my mom when she said that she wasn't having any of the homemade turkey meatballs and marinara sauce I had set up in the slow cooker for dinner because she had eaten a bunch last night... a) they were raw, b)I had made dinner last night and she had already had 3 servings of chicken... and she is supposed to be on a low protein diet to protect her kidneys... but all I coul come up with at that moment was they were in the box in the fridge that she's not supposed to dip into because i am really up against it and managing my food/ med budget really tightly and if I don't watch the food I have to go back on more meds but the food is a little pricey and not easy to replace at the same price eating out ($1.25 a meal vs $10+ for a paleo meal in a restaurant). She got madder at me and because I was starving, in pain, and worn out it escalated.

The meatballs, no sugar homemade sauce, ricotta, spinach, edamame pasta, and squash were amazing. A little bummed that i had to put it up into single servings and then everyone just ate as they were ready, on their own.

End of bummer story.


Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/15/2018:
Hang in there!

bearcountrygg on 03/16/2018:
I'm sad for you that you are going through this......I took care of my parents for 7 years....and there were trials for sure...while D took care of himself....caring for elderly parents is so hard....D's Mom passed in her 60's but his Dad lived into his 80's and had dementia...( eating Styrofoam plates, etc)........it is 24 hours a day non stop and super stressful. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you....all I can say is that I have been there....and I had days on end where I had to move out and get an apartment and take care of my Mom because I just needed breaks from her.....( I will admit to crying day after day from frustration)....D was worried about me and I was worried about her....and I just needed a break...but being in her house 24 hours a day was depressing me to the point where I was losing it. I had to have some separation from her for at least a few hours a day. Is there any way you can get some help? Are you an only child too? It is a lot...and I know what you are going through...I've been there...but you have 2 to take care of and a life of your own to live at the same time. Have you looked into assistance from Medicare/Medicaid? You Dad is acting out and your mom is eating raw meat...this may be more than you can handle alone. You have to be able to let the stress out...I'm glad you are able to let off steam here....

happy-1 on 03/18/2018:
Thanks... big hugs. It sounds like you really did your best for them.

I'm an only child and extended family is on the other side of the country. They are ceo's, doctors, and lawyers. Good people just not anyone I connect with and there's no relationship from growing up together. When my parents are gone it is just me.

They have always been like this though... it isn't senility it is depression. They just don't care. They have no friends in the area.

I am hoping DA helps me get my personal stuff together so that I can then make plans for my parents. Mask over your face first then the person sitting next to you.

happy-1 on 03/18/2018:
And I did give leading my own life a shot. I just didn't get it to happen. I went on tons of dates and had friends and then it just didn't happen and the path to it fell apart and now I am here, stuck at my rebuilding point.

The problem with hoarders is that they can't prioritize relationships over things. Throwing away a stack of dirty napkins from McDonalds is a bigger offense than rape or murder. I compounded my problems by coming back and I am hoping DA can help.

happy-1 - Wednesday Mar 14, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Ups and downs...

Downs... because when I called my dentist to ask for a refill on the codeine he tried to get me to move my root canal up. I was like... I need the time to get the money together. I haven't worked in a year and I have to move things around to pay for it. Plus they are charging more than the Delta pre-negotiated price... They want $1578 and the Delta price is $1399... and according to Delta their out of pocket is higher than other endodontists in the area so if I need to go back, it's going to be a lot more than the 50% coverage. He was like well you don't have to pay cash, you can put it on a credit card... I replied that regardless, I have to move things around to be able to pay for it, I haven't worked in a year, and I am really up against it. He said but you can put it on a credit card. I said I haven't worked in a year... It doesn't work that way for me right now. Humiliating to say. Just humiliating.

Ups... because I got a call back on my resume today from an ecommerce consultancy. It's a job that requires 50% travel, but that would be ok because it would mean that I could get out of LA and the LA basin and live somewhere green with good camping like the northern parts of Texas. Maybe they will call again. That would be nice.


Working on the meal plan for UDG. It's good to do this expecting someone else to use it. Forces me to be clearer in presentation and it makes it a better basis for the meal planning app I want to build.


Dudes on OKC be seriously whiney. I need to go back to FarmersOnly. He has a rent controlled apartment in Santa Monica and he doesn't know if he can bear to stay there after his dog dies... Plus I think he was trying to make me feel sorry for him so I'd have phone sex with him. NOT HOT.






Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/15/2018:
You are turning into quite the plumber/electrician!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Yeah necessity breeds edumucation :-p

horn_of_plenty on 03/15/2018:
congrats on doing the work to fix your car mirror, that IS AMAZING!

happy-1 - Tuesday Mar 13, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

The codeine super knocked me out... Slept till 12.  It is $1578 for a root canal and $1072 for a crown. $500 for a partial temp root canal... I don't even know if a temp is possible till Monday. I worry about anything "temp". What if there is an earthquake? Dental benefits don't start till July 1 for treatments... So I have to pay the whole amount for whatever I get done. 


I forgot to say that Saturday I got the valentine from my ex. It was postmarked March 7... but it doesn't really matter when it was sent. That horrible little hole in my side is filled in and gone... Whenever the random thought "and he couldn't even send me a Valentine card" would run through my brain I would start crying. And now it isn't there anymore and I feel a lot better. I am seriously glad that I feel etter because if I had given him a ton of crap over it and then not felt better, I would feel like a jerk. I haven't heard from him since Sunday I think. I dunno if I will hear from him much in the coming months. I don't think he wants me as his actual girlfriend. I am just glad we are still talking a bit. It doesn't feel good to have things severed with someone who has been so important to you. I know I need to make more friends so that one person doesn't impact me so much, but that takes time.


Reading through the DA literature. Some of it sounds like me, some of it I don't know what they are talking about, and some of it... I hope that doesn't become me. Not terribly sure what to do with all of it. I guess that's the point of going to the meetings... You work through it and the other people there tell you what the content means and help you relate to it. There are 4 books... but when I looked on Amazon they are $40 each!  I will wait and see if there are free pdfs available.

Parts that jump out at me is that I might have to turn around someday and be a sponsor. I can't even begin to imagine being that knowledgeable that I could help someone else with this. Also the people I have met are also in another group like AA/NA... Or they talk about buying shoes that are more than $200 and designer labels and that they could spend $20 at the deli just on their lunch. I don't know how to relate to people that do that.

A lot of it talks about self care and not taking proper care of your health or deferring medical and dental things... I think I have picked that up from my parents. It may also be how I gained so much weight... I didn't feel like I was one of those people that could afford to spend money on things that make you fit and healthy. 

I went to an OA meeting with my mom once. It was super weird and uncomfortable. I wonder how it differs from DA?


Heard from Molly today. She deals with the worst scum of humanity for work and needs something to fill her soul back in. We both want to do gardening so we will check out a plant sale by her on Friday. Exciting!  Also we can use her jacuzzi.  I hope that the antibiotics take effect and I will be able to drive to go!  I can only stay till 5 or so.


EDD accomplished. Such a tiny task but I have such a hard time with it.


Bedtime meditation habit.

3 things I am grateful for today. My parents, for doing their best for me and each other, even if they don't know the path to health and happiness and cannot be a team themselves they always try to put themselves aside for me. Molly, for coming back into my life even just a little. She alwas tries to be there for me. UDG for calling me and giving me a boost to get active and start attacking the indomitable pile of crap that is my life. My dog for forgiving me for grabbing her wong last night when I was groggy. She loves me her doggy best.

Obstacles... PAIN. I am one pill away from a diy job with a plier. Can't workout. Money... Not financially oranized and paying the price. Fat... I just feel like I am wearing a big sweaty rubber suit all the time that won't let me bend and makes everything harder. Sleep... off my schedule because everything hurts.

Take pride in actively improving your fitness. I went for a dog walk this afternoon when I felt hopeless. I deliberately looked for a cheery outfit to do it in... a pink shirt, jeans, and some uggs. It really helped boost my mood. I did not eat anything off plan today and kept it to a single serving at dinner. UDG and I are going to work on meal planning and meal prepping together remotely by phone. Worth a shot.

Visualize how you will work heroically tomorrow. I will do projects that are essential to organization...

CAR - Fix the driver's side mirror, pop the center console and dig out the bulb that's out

KITCHEN - Fix the screen door

PATIO - Set up pots to receive the plants I will buy on Friday. Load car with basins and trolley.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 03/14/2018:
I have three crowns and NO root canals. I would suggest a second or more opinion(s). Mine were done by a regular dentist.

Also my dentist always prescribed hydrocodone for pain. It just didn't work for me, so I reverted to ibuprofen and it worked much better. Also, Many times without insurance you can ask for a discount anywhere from 10-20%--good luck!

I soo hope you get some relief!

Always remember that you're worth all the effort!

Donkey on 03/14/2018:
^What Biscotti said :-)

Many yay's within your day of pain... Glad to hear news about Molly! You got your card! (ok, that was Saturday, but still...) Good for you in being pro-active with Debtors Anonymous! I think you're doing fantastic!

innerpeace on 03/14/2018:
I went to an OA meeting once too. I found it weird as well I guess different strokes for different folks. They kept saying 'if you work it, it works! so work it, it works!'

happy-1 on 03/14/2018:
Yeah... the thing was the OA meeting felt like a board meeting. The chairs were set up facing the front and speakers went to a podium. You didn't get the feeling that people were there to connect, just flagellate themselves out of shame and then run back to your car and eat Jack n the Box to recover from the trauma. The DA meeting at least everyone was in a circle and it was small. Less than 10 people. I felt like if I kept going it wouldn't be as scary.

bearcountrygg on 03/14/2018:
There are OA meetings in my town but I'm not going...I have no desire to stand up in front of the group and brag or confess,...nope!

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