No scale to weigh in on.
Online counselor says that I may have committed a faux pas but it was on Molly to say no don't do that and she didn't. That it isn't that I don't know how to fix it, it is something I can't fix... and that a friendship on thin ice that can be disrupted by an oops gift isn't really one I could have hung onto anyway. That I need to look at who I choose for friends more carefully.
---
B: orange, 2 cheese sticks, sweet potato crackers. S: skipped S: skipped L: skipped S: skipped S: skipped D: hometown buffet with my parents. Stuffed myself silly. The longer I sat there the less healthy my choices were. Not doing that again anytime soon
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
No scale to weigh in on. Need more veggies to see progress anyway.
Another morning of no personal messages and a big Molly-shaped hole.
Augh.
Sucking it up today. Day 9 of the toughness challenge is to go for a run and don't let yourself walk. "Toughness is pushing through pain, it’s persistence. Running, something I’m not all that fond of, is something I now do daily. It’s not for the health or the fitness, although it’s great for the lungs, it’s for the mental test, the moments where I want to walk." Persistence of pushing through pain.
Bootcamp workout tonight with my pup. Need to leave earlier tonite at 5;15 to give her more time to poop before the workout. My dog's expectations for what her daily life should be like have been raised and she's actually working on the back gate to get out and roam the neighborhood on her own. At 18!!!!!
Doing a bunch of cooking for the week. So far an egg bake, hot dog muffins, sweet potatoes, lentil soup, falafel. Anything to hide some veggies and get more in. I just feel like only eating comfort food with lots of carbs and fat.
Trying to focus on Pete's thing but I keep thinking about the meal planning app
---
B: coffee 4 creams, egg mushroom sausage bake
S: overnight oats
S: hotdog muffin, cranberry juice
L: lentil soup, falafel
S: 4 egg rolls from freezer, honey mustard dressing
S: post workout hunger... 1 slice pizza, diet lemonade
D: more lentil soup, sweet potato crackers, 1/2 cheese stick, protein cookie, hotdog muffin, mustard
---
4am and I'm still up. Mostly due to forgetting to take sleep aid when I got home and my mom wanted to watch a movie then toddled off to bed at 1 am. Super, super cold tonight but no high winds. That means I will be able to get a lot of chores done tomorrow. Mostly thinking about discussions with adhd coach today. Basically they run a nanny service for adults with one focus goal setting and then 3 checkins to follow up. I kind of hate the idea of that. 1 more person to fail, plus it is kind of what online counselor and I have been doing, and it is $160 a week. I'm also not sure it will help unless I get digitally organized first.
Counting blessings since I can't sleep... warm blankets, good mattress, warm fluffy dog as a bed warmer, my parents, my extended family, my running car, my weight loss, decent hair cut, good running shoes, getting a good workout in after not feeling well the last couple of weeks. Chewable peppermint melatonin. Feeling cold after being too hot for months and months, that my ex still texts me, that my mom bought me my favorite stevia soda as a hannukah gift. Finding a really, really good recipe for lentil soup. Progress in putting kitchen together. The back patio for my dog, this service and the people on it. Hugs.
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
No personal texts, calls, or emails in my inbox this morning. Augh. Shouldn't this stuff only be happening if I was addicted to smoking crack or an alcoholic or something? I am disappointed in the DARE program of my childhood. They left out fat, tired, and disorganized.
Listened to AM news channel this morning. This Bitcoin thing is crazy. I never really understood it. I can't believe it's almost $20k.
---
Biked to market today and back again. Esy peasy. Mental barrier broken. Doing it all the time from now on. Then I came home, walked my dog, washed the curtains and reorganized some things. I have boxes and boxes of paper files I can get rid of if I scan them. Now my beloved dog is curled up on my feet. She makes a great cuddle buddy. Huge storm outside and 5 huge tree branches fell. I'll have to clean up tomorrow AM.
Trying to work through Pete's site. The 1:1 personal training page is hard to do. I'm looking around on the web for pages I think are well done and I can't really find any. None of them sound like someone you want to spend any time with.
---
Catching up on the toughness challenge. Picking up on Day 8.
(And I just noticed his most "catchy" sharable ideas are in his emails, not his landing pages.. so when I get through this I will have to go back and summarize it and then do the steps again.)
Today it is about faith and that people with faith are inspired to do great things. So you basically have to figure out what you have faith in. "Now, faith in what? That’s not for me to tell you. Faith in the universe, in God, in Allah, in Yeshua, in the idea that if you work hard and do the right thing that is enough. This is for you to decide, but faith in something greater, be it an idea, an ideology, a being that is greater than you allows you to give your fear up and give it to something else, something bigger and greater than you can comprehend." So the challenge is to figure out what you believe in and commit.
This is a good thing to think about because it is something I have struggled with all my life. From my upbringing I hold 3 pieces of different ideaologies (Jewish, Catholic, Universalist Unitarian "Everyone is right, it is all one story"). In college I looked around at the 5 square Christians, but it didn't really resonate. I did like Habitat for Humanity. I need to think about what it was in Habitat for Humanity that is the core idea and commit to that. It meshes with what I like about the Unitarians, but culturally I don't like going there... They are kind of weird and new age.
---
Adding to this list as I think of things... Gotta celebrate our successes...
THINGS I HAVE ACHIEVED THIS YEAR: Got back into fitness, lost a bunch of weight, learned a bunch of new skills, lost and found and lost a job but at least got a good reference from it. Got my act together when it comes to taking care and providing for my dog even if she is 18 now. Reduced family friction and stopped responding to my dad baiting me. Got rid of two terrible romantic relationships. Built a network of women to go camping with that I like. Got my personal website up. Got control of my sleep (HUGE). Got the kitchen set up. Cleaned out parent's living room and dining room. WAY better hair, makeup, and clothes.
What have you achieved this year?
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9:20am - B: protein cookie
S: 1 piece of cheese and sweet potato crackers
L: burger wrap, diet pepsi, sweet potato fries
S: cheese stick, crackers
D: beef stew from freezer, 2 pieces pizza
S: cranberry juice with seltzer
S:
Forgot to weigh in. Again. Scale is missing, also.
Molly is still mad. She's doing the chick thing where she keeps saying "I'm fine" which most definitely means she is not fine, does not want to talk about it, or talk to me. I give up. All I can do is leave her alone, move on with my life, and try to check in and wish her a happy birthday in January. She may or may not reply.
Where do you find new best friends when you are 40, single, living with your parents to take care of your dad, and unemployed and all your other friends have moved on and ditched you?
Made an appointment with an Adult ADHD-specific coach. This is new... they didn't exist all those years ago. Love my online therapist but I'm doing progressively worse. I think I could use a break this month. Pick up in the new year. Try the coach in the meantime.
---
Pride moment. I remembered to update my pup's AVID number with our current address. YAY ME!
---
Another interview today. Online fashion rental company. Sounds like a cool company. I really like the recruiter.
---
Through divine intervention, my interview was rescheduled for January. Yay! I did not feel the mojo when I woke up this morning and got lucky.
Time to work on pete's site a little then head home to grab my pup for bootcamp tonght. I feel inspired
---
Things I have achieved this year: got back into fitness, lost a bunch of weight, learned a bunch of new skills, lost and found and lost a job but at least got a good reference from it. Got my act together when it comes to taking care and providing for my dog even if she is 18 now. Reduced family friction and stopped responding to my dad baiting me. Got rid of two terrible romantic relationships. Built a network of women to go camping with that I like. Got my personal website up.
Things I would like to be able to achieve in 2018:
- Keep up with the wilderness travel course
- Accomplish 1 thing on my to do list a day
- Move out of my parents house
- Be ready for my birthday, Christmas and remember my friend's birthdays
Have it together enough to do Habitat for Humanity again. I can't control my sleep or energy level enough to show up for things I commit to and I would like to improve my fitness level s so I can do that.
---
B: 3 aussie bites (390 calories but the ingredients are ok per diet plan)
S: Skipped
L: Frozen shepherds pie, coconut water.
S: 2 servings of hot wings
S: 3 hot dogs, 2 paleo muffins
D: 3 packets trail mix, diet gingerale
S: 1 paleo muffin, butter
Clearly not getting 8 cups of veggies a day right now. Haven't been writing meal plans ahead for a couple of weeks and it shows.
Dog had chicken stew, chicken jerky, part of a hot dog
Forgot to weigh in.
Day 2 of Molly "No Contact Shut Out". Breakups with a friend are worse than breakups with a boyfriend. I think it leaves a bigger hole. A husband would be worse. Here's what I don't get... We talked about it first, then I asked her for her shipping address and what color she wanted. There were like 4 opportunities ahead of time to say "Please don't" or "I wouldn't be into that". I kind of feel set up.
Job interview today that I still need to research for.
---
Interview for gig went well. At least I liked the guy.
---
B: Protein Cookie
S: Skipped
L: Breakfast egg bake (2 eggs, 2 sausages , cheese), 1 pancake muffin, butter
S: Skipped
D: Post-Interview need for comfort food. Burger lettuce wrap with cheese, carrot sticks and ranch dressing. Diet pepsi (a lot)
S: chicken and potato salad
S: paleo pancake muffin with butter
Can't sleep snacks: 2 oranges, 3 packets of trail mix, 1 package of ramen. Usually caffeine knocks me out. Must be anxiety.
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
Didn't get a chance toweigh in this morning. Overslept and pretty much rolled out of bed and into the car to go get stuff to fix the garbage disposal. Fitbit says I didn't get to sleep till 4am again. I worked on Pete's site till 1 because staying busy keeps me from thinking about the Molly thing. Once I was in bed it was pretty much all I could think about. So 4AM.
----
Lots of sirens and it is such a hot day. Dog is making me crazy again even though I took her out 4x this week and walked her daily.
---
Just so cranky today. I ate but I'm hungry, drank but I'm thirsty, slept but I'm tired, cleaned but the house is still dirty. Ugh! Need to get away for a few days. Clear my head. Need to turn my life around.
---
Mom says she has decided to hate fat people. She is tired of being a slave to the almighty gut and cravings for fast food. Namely that she doesn't want to take my dad out for cheap fast food anymore.
---
Had another go around with my dad about food. And how we can get along. Somehow me making dinner is bullying him with food.
---
B: protein cookie
S: skipped
L: burger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, iced coffee
S: edamame protein pasta with cheese, blech. Doesn't freeze well.
S: skipped D: 3 pork chop pieces, apple sauce (a little old)
S: Pork shu mai from Trader Joe's
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
240.2
Really screwed up (expensively). The fitbit was the wrong Christmas gift for Molly. It got there really fast, and she opened it before I got there. I saw her face when she picked it up off the table... like I had given her a dead toad. No thanks, no excitement.
This morning I texted her to see if she had tried it yet and she hadn't so I said: "I know you resist this idea... that you don't think it can help, that your medical stuff is too severe, and this is just one more thing to deal with... and you've already gone through a ton of changes lately... and me sending you one feels like nagging when you already get tons of **** from your family about your weight ... you don't need it from me too. But I know you are a dynamic force to be reckoned with, and every time you have kicked my butt you have made my life better. And I am your friend and all I want is for you to feel better so that we can hang out more. If you wear it 24x7 and follow the prompts you will feel better. It tells you if you had effective sleep and gets you on a routine, plus it gets you to move on a schedule to boost circulation... just a small walk around the office to get a cup of coffee or water. So don't think of it as a burden, think of it as a great big hug from your good friend and let's find a fashion band on etsy so it looks like jewelry and you like it better."
She said "I’m going to give you back the FitBit. I don’t want it and I won’t use it. I understand you believe you’re coming from a good place - and I think you are - but to me all I’ve had my whole life is discussions about weight and I’m frankly tired of the discussions. I really am. I’m tired of the comments - helpful or not - I’m just tired. If it makes you feel great, awesome. I’m happy for you. I know you think it’d help me. That’s fine too. But I just don’t want it. As such I’d respectfully ask to just drop the topic with me. I don’t want to be tagged in posts and I don’t want health stuff bought for me. I tried to keep it light last night but I don’t think you get how getting that as a present made me feel. And that’s OK. Because I know you were genuinely coming from a good place. So I hope we can just leave this here and move on. OK?"
I said: "Ok. It gets confusing because you said multiple times that you wish you could feel better so you could workout and do all the things you used to do. So I thought if I could help you feel better that would help. Weight is irrelevant. But I'll drop it now. Just take it back to Bed Bath and Beyond and exchange it for something for the new place. Towels, pillows, throw rugs etc."
Pretty demoralized right now. She's kind of my last real friend. Everyone else has kind of disappeared in the last couple of years or I disappeared into depression on them. I always make this mistake. Everytime. People say they want to do something or change something and I try to help. That's what you so as a friend you just help... A referral, move a couch, whatever. Except each and every time I do it wrong. How do I keep getting older and never get any smarter?
---
Spending Saturday night watching Netflix and working on Pete's site. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job on it.
---
B: Coffee, coconut creamer, 1 paleo pancake muffin, 2 nitrite-free turkey sausages, butter, syrup, 1 small apple
S: greek yogurt, paleo granola, blueberries
L: Steel cut overnight oats
S: Skipped
D: 3 slices of pizza. Chocolate protein drink (Peace offering to parents)
S: 4 hotdogs with mustard, no buns
Dog had: vitamins, chicken jerky strips, chicken/sweet potato stew, 1 pizza crust, 3 hot dogs
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
Could have things changed between when she complained to when you gave her the gift? Or perhaps she was just venting, not really wanting to affect any real change, but rather thinking aloud...
That's the thing about weight-loss: can't wish it, can't study for it (like an exam), you gotta DO IT.
I thought you handled it very well with your response, too. THAT was VERY good. I don't think you've lost her as a friend; let it go, let her cool down, and then re-engage.
(((hugs)))
Hurt my neck and flaked on a date with an ex. OW.
---
B: greek yogurt, granola, blueberries
L: leftover pork, sweet potato
D: chicken noodle soup
S: 2 mini pizzas with extra cheese and pepperonis
S: 2 packs of trail mix with extra dark chocolate chips.
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
236.2. Still driving back down past lowest weight.
Woke up at 7! Yay! Had to set two alarms but good to be up and moving on time. Mostly massaged my ancient dog till my meds kicked in... she ignored me, even though I tickled all her spots, chewed on her, and gave her zerberts. Total passive resistance. She doesn't bother getting out of bed till noon.
Plan for the day is to make breakfast, pick up patio, go to Starbucks, finish the second page of Pete 's site, grab my pup and head up to workout, then go to costco on the way home.
---
We are out of half and half... a crisis. How am I supposed to be a normal human today?
---
Ugh. My hormone-induced emotional state threw my parents off and now they are in terrible moods.
---
Sat out on the porch till I felt better then came in and made food and cleaned out the fridge. MADE THE MOST AMAZING SOUP... OMG. Sometimes I just really nail it. Not paleo but wanted to use up some dry ravioli pasta I had laying around. Maybe $5 for the giant pot. I can't stop eating it. It's actually a problem. I stop, then 30 min later I want more.
Ingredients:
1 tube of pork breakfast sausage, browned in your pot and broken to crumbles.
Onion, celery, carrot, garlic, diced and sauteed in the pork fat with the crumbles.
Italian seasoning, black pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, turmeric
Chicken base, water. Bring it to a rolling boil.
1/2 a bag of dried ravioli pasta, boiled for 5-7 minutes. Check that it is on the raw side of al dente and the broth doesn't need more salt (breakfast sausage is already high sodium), then turn off the heat, let it sit for 5 min and it will continue to cook in the heat.
Pour in 1-2 cups of mashed potato flakes. Any thickening starch will do to bind the fat. It will still be a little fatty.
Add 1 giant bag of fresh spinach, then cover, let it wilt in the heat. This should absorb any remaining fat, or if it still feels fatty it won't be greasy. It will be delicious.
Give dog treats, because the onion means no sharing with your pup.
I swear this will BLOW YOUR MIND.
---
Bootcamp workout tonight. Kind of tired and just want to go to the 99cent store and work on Pete's pages, but I should go anyway. I reupped for his fitness challenge even though I am starting late.
-----
B: 3 eggs, spinach, mozzarella, tomato sauce, 3 sausage links
S: 2 cheese sticks, sweet potato crackers
L: Clean out the fridge meal - Homemade falaffel with hummus and coleslaw salad (OMG. I'm a genius)
S: 2 bowls of sausage tortellini soup
S: 1 bowl of sausage tortellini soup, because I put it away when it cooled and 1 bowl was going to be so lonely. (OMG. I'm a fat genius)
D: costco chicken, leftover falafel and hummus, quinoa salad, brownies---
Dog had: Gummi vitamins, chicken jerky, a forgotten package of deli turkey that was of questionable origin but she raised no objection to.
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
https://birchbenders.com/product/paleo/
Information product campaign... a 30 day challenge for doing all the little crap that you need to do to deal with PMS.
Splashed across the homepage would be Sigorney Weaver vs. Predator. Possibly feeding it dark chocolate and coffee. With like some ribs to gnaw on.
Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!
Like, candy and chips and breads.
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Agree!
Donkey on 12/23/2017:
I'm with your therapist and Bear -- It's tough to accept it's something you can't fix. I'm sorry for your loss.
ddwebmaster on 12/31/2017:
.
Yay! You guys installed a new hamster in the wheels of this site!!! LMK if you want help stabilizing!!!