Okay...time to start a new entry :)
Today was a whole lot better than Thursday & Friday of last week.
I'm getting over my lost friendship with the guy I know for 2 years & texted / talked on phone / once in awhile visited at his work (but hardly) for 1.5years. He was always pushing off getting together but saying how he wanted to - so - I ended the texting. It's hard to explain, but i'm missing him. He was an overall really cool dude. I wanted to date him. But, it takes two.
so moving on :) It has pushed me to want to date a little bit. To see what is out there :)
Total calories today are probably around 2100. had a bigger dinner. Overall, a healthy day. some chips as my choice of carbs, but also 2 fruits, lots of veggies & healthy proteins. overall, a nice day, like I said.
no exercise.
legs are VERY sore from when I chose to walk up the stairs for 5 minutes in my apartment building. i'm not always the smartest lol.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Happy Monday ALL! I thought i'd leave this entry up to gain some more advice from you guys lol.
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Total cal Sunday: 1600 prob at most.
2-day average cals: 1900/day.
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Sunday:
Last night (Saturday night) I had to take another sleeping pill because I haven't been sleeping well for these past couple weeks now. And, I knew I would be able to at least sleep in more than I do during the week. So, I took it.
I didn't have a problem falling asleep last night, but I woke around midnight or 1am and was having trouble getting back to sleep. I decided to take the pill & of course if worked after like 20 minutes.
I am now groggy bc of the pill but at least I did get more sleep. My body needs the rest - especially since i'm trying to really get good workouts in at the gym...so, I would say the sleeping pill was beneficial. I'll stay away from them during the week though - or I will really feel exhausted at work from the side effects of the pill!
10am: Kombucha 70 (need to buy more after gym)
11:30 meal - pancake: 1 egg and egg whites 100, lil bit oatmeal and extra oil 100, small banana 120, sugar free jelly 20 around 350 - good.
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Saturday total: 2200
I do weigh 118. So a primary and important goal for me is 115 for the wedding. Seems it will be easy if I keep everything the same these next 2.5 months. Makes me at least happy to feel in control of that. I am really proud of myself - I've lost almost 10 lbs! That's a great feat! Like I said, if you stick with it, anything is possible. This is all because of my dedication! and it's not easy - for anyone! I am overjoyed that i'm accomplishing what I set out to do. It's been my goal & I haven't given up on myself no matter how much at times I feel like saying "oh, maybe I should care to lose the last few and just go to the wedding as I am now!" but....why reach for less!? why not go the whole way!? why not prove to myself I can do it???? To conquer a challenge leaves such a feeling of achievement. And weightloss is a challenge. Isn't it!? After this challenge, my next one is even better -
My next challenge from after my sister's wedding - it to practice a higher level of consistency and maintenance. To practice being more MODERATE. that's right - I will practice and focus on moderation! And why? To keep myself more at an even keel. To feel better overall all the time. I will lesson my coffee and caffeine consumption overall after wedding. In general, I'll work to improve upon my emotions and general well-being by focusing on moderation. And training myself specifically for the academy. Focusing on adding cardio a little but only as I feel is moderate and not overdoing. I'm going to be preparing myself after this wedding for entering the NYPD academy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without any weddings looming or any other distractions, my goal will be just one - to feel good about entering the NYPD academy. I will work on my confidence and self-awareness that I have the ability to do it. I will prepare myself and work on quitting my current job when I know for sure which academy date i'll be entering. Just writing about it makes me feel good, positive, and inspired to get there.
You know how everyone has goals and aspirations? Well, in all my life, the NYPD has been my biggest goal. I have NEVER wanted anything more than this. And when I do make it, I will thank god that my life dream has come true.
It makes me so happy to write about it.
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Many people with distorted eating and obsessions fall into seeking control over their weight when nothing else seems right....but....it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. I am working on my life. And i'm heading in the right direction. But the goal now is wedding / looks / weight. When this wedding is over, i'm celebrating with pizza. and i'll always strive to look good and work on increasing my weights that I use to higher ones...i'll always be working to improve upon my fitness. but right now, it's in the very forefront. I'm determined. It's a huge goal - it's my only sister's wedding! Only person in my whole family to get married.
So, as much as it may not make sense to some, it makes sense to me. And that's the only person it needs to matter to.
I want to look OUTSTANDING at this wedding. I'm working my hardest to do so.
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Early - kombucha 70
Breakfast - oatmeal 120, egg whites 60, almond milk 20, banana 120, chocolate peanut butter 150 total: 470
lunch: 1/2 avocado 150, small veggie sausage 80, zucchini in a bit of tomato sauce 150, chips 220. total: 600 - good. balanced.
Snacks Apple 80, Greek yogurt coffee flavor with wheat bran mixed in 200. 1420, good.
dinner: 600
total: 2050 or so - good.
And peanut butter. Total 2200, good.
Getting everything done today so that tomorrow dress shopping with mom doesn't need to have ANY more stress than it needs to be.
So, today, doing all my laundry (bed sheets, towels, clothes). Also will pick up any food but probably wait until Monday evening because i'm having this apt cleaned Monday (I like to do this every 2-3 months because it's something that is slightly out of my budget but worth it because I feel I may have this apartment my entire life possibly so I want to care for it the best I can and this makes me feel that I am.) And it's best not to have a full fridge when the cleaning lady cleans it and removes everything for awhile - spoils faster. so i'd rather wait till the cleaning is done.
Also Monday - I requested to have my tub and bathroom sink snaked. The sink water hasn't been draining fast for the past 2 months and I know there must be a boatload of hair in that drain. So I figure ask them to snake the tub too. I asked management to do this in the morning since cleaning lady is coming in afternoon! - busy Monday that I must prepare for today. I'm cleaning up my own papers and documents. Putting them away obviously in a locked closet like I always do before cleanings. Even though i'm having the apt cleaned, I must actually obviously put away anything private and prepare for the cleaning.
In the past, I have always been content with the cleanings - but - it seems that the cleaning lady does NOT pay careful enough attention to how my vertical blinds operate. So, i'm leaving a note saying not too move the blinds - and i'll leave them open so she can clean the windowsill only. I once came home and my blinds wouldn't rotate properly after a cleaning and they were expensive to buy. So, yeah....I must prepare for the cleaning on Monday.
hmmmm....
I would like to choose the 2nd dress I tried on last week as my dress for my sister's wedding. But my mom is not as content. So this is why we are going dress shopping one last time tomorrow. She asked me to call and schedule an appt. at Nordstrom bc they have a huge bridal dept. Only apt was for 4pm. So, this is when we are going. Now, my mom tells me that she'd like to also possibly go somewhere before that. But she hasn't finalized plans yet so now I have to make sure to keep my schedule open tomorrow because I have no idea when and where we are going. At least this won't be lasting forever every weekend.
I have no plans with friends this weekend bc I need to get my chores done at home, prepare for next week, and exercise in addition to this dress shopping tomorrow. I'll probably have dinner at my parent's house before coming back home Sunday evening for the work week. The good thing - next weekend is a 3-day weekend. I think I may try to plan something exciting for Saturday night. I need to add some excitement into my weekends when I can within reason or this winter is going to be really hard on me.
I have a lot of pressure that i'm putting upon myself to look radiant or at least look physically nice in the dress that I buy. It's very important to me. I'm into fitness and this is a chance to show my hard work. I am trying my hardest and that's the most I can do.
I may not have perfect skin or perfectly clear skin acne-wise because I have not been able to manage it that well due to stress and other elements, but, at least I can wear the dress aesthetically as well as possible.
I am stressed. Not just about the wedding. I am not happy with my minimal social life right now. I want more but I can't manage more. I am also dealing with trying to get the gym in 3x a week and even that is majorly challenging without enough rest and sleep lately.
Also, i'm not saving any money week to week at work. I lost $14,000.- annually after I stopped working overtime. My health is still more important than money and working extra. So, the pay cut is what it is. and I don't save any money right now for my future - I do live paycheck to paycheck like so many people in this country. And no, i'm not interested in changing my budget or altering the way I spend my money.
Almost none of my "secondary needs" are being met right now. My love life took a nose-dive this week when it was finalized that my friends both here and in the outside world were proven right - that the guy I was texting and talking to on the phone for 1.5 years doesn't want a "romantic relationship" as he put it.
Other secondary needs - financial security - not being met. Love - not being met. Social stuff - not fully being met. Self-realization and reaching my potential - not being met. And one that I had really overlooked until I reminded myself a few days ago about secondary needs when I googled them and faced the facts of why it makes sense that i'm stressed about these things - they are needs. Back to an important need - the need to feel RESPECTED. Now, it makes sense why I get so stressed being IGNORED by some people - usually higher in authority at work. It's so rude to ignore anyone. To treat them like they don't exist. It's a human need to feel at least accepted. Now, it makes sense to me based on what I was reading a few days ago - and it makes sense that it would bother me so much. Ignoring people - something I've never done and it's a HORRIBLE thing to do - to ANYONE no matter if they are a cleaning lady or custodian. I am saying, all because someone may not be a manager or principal or something - does NOT mean they should be ignored. That's a horrible thing managers can do. And I think it's such a disgrace that they don't even realize it since they are not in those lower positions. whatever, i'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
I think the secondary needs that you have identified are important as well. We all want those things and some times it can feel sad when we are missing these things in our lives. Hang in there ... Surround yourself with as many positive things as you can and enjoy them in the moment.
I agree ... you can feel what you want to feel. Thanks goodness people "feel" or the world would be an even more cold place than it can be at times. Feel good about yourself though ... Because YOU matter.
Enjoy your weekend!
I'm almost out of my funk about the guy, i'm lucky nothing crazy really went on between me & him. Like real intimacy. thankfully, it'll be a bit easier to get over despite the fact we stayed in touch - every day - at the end.
Things being out of balance - Maybe that's where the difficulty in sleeping is coming from?
I also hear you about the lack of respect or acknowledgment from others. From lawyers to a toxic grandmother, I've been down that path. Then I realized that I was searching for validation from others that I was never going to get, so I might as well work on validating and respecting myself.
it's helping my workouts, that's why I have the caffeine but I may have to stop with it or have less. it's not healthy that my sleep is down in the dumps. it's making it very hard for me to manage.
yes, similar to you, I have also had trouble validating my own respect for myself since others (like even my mom) do not always show it to me. it's something I still struggle with.
Feeling a bit better this morning compared to yesterday's emotional rollercoaster. it helps to not have any sedative sleeping pills in my system. But I do need to forget how tired I actually am still. I'm forgetting about it. the more I hound on it, the worse it's going to feel. so moving on!........
I am challenging myself to regrouping and finishing this week off in a POSITIVE note. I can't change how Thursday went, but I can decide to make today a good day. So that's what I am focused on. that & doing my work at work.
before dinner 1220
dinner - let emotions sorta take over. 900 cal.
total cal today - around 2120, ok.
7day average is good - 1825/day
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
1775-6day total - very good. ok...I was off by 70 calories after checking this with my paper at my desk lol Friday morning......so...6 day average is: 1785/day
8pm last edit -
Calories thru morning:
500? I forgot - will have to double check tomorrow. breakfast was small banana 100, Quest bar 200 and decaf coffee with milk 50, later a snack of a granola bar 150
Lunch: 1/2 avocado sorta small 150, lots of cooked greens 150, veggie burger very small 80 - total here only around 400 - excellent!
calories before gym: large apple 100 and bar and energy drink half of it 150 total 250
calories after gym: higher sugar Cliff Bar flavor was white chocolate macadamia around 250
total today I think: 1400 I think. at least calories were fantastic.
exercise at gym was also very STRONG considering how tired I did feel all day. no more sleeping pills for awhile.
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12:35pm edit:
I do realize that a lack of sleep is the most of my problems right now. and lack of sleep is causing me most of my grief I think.
10:30am Work:
Still feeling really bad. I had taken a sleeping pill last night which obviously didn't help me out to feel well...anyways, i'm fully exhausted and realize that this weekend needs to be extremely low key.
I just feel like all my Sh*t is hitting the fan right now. I know I am going to lift out of this, but need to do it sooner.
The real thing that's going on is that i'm not sleeping well - and haven't for around 2 weeks. so since my sleep is off, my mind, body, and overall mental / emotional well-being is being knocked wayyyy offff keel. It's not a good feeling right now - to be chronically drained over a period of several days now / couple weeks now.
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6am Morning:
I have not had enough alone time for my personal well-being since last week. I am feeling emotionally & physically exhausted. No chance to get extra sleep. Too busy. Too much phone time with my best friend who is still abusing the situation of using me as her therapist. I thought she had one - but still NO. so dumb. I cannot take everyone's stresses right now. I have enough of my own to deal with.
Man problems right now. Things are awkward and slightly disappointing. oh well.
I don't even want to have lunch with my coworker. I need to be alone today. I need to feel alone without coworkers and everyone nagging me. But I cannot be alone. I have to function as normal and make it thru my workout tonight.
You bet I plan on a great workout. I need it in order to feel better. I feel so horrible overall - horrible emotionally really. not a physical sickness. I have never felt so beat up over relationships.
plus, last night I worked 15min late - was held up for NO good reason but I actually had to stay - i was pissed - when my goal was to leave exactly on time because I was visiting someone after work. I still can't believe that I left late. WTH.
It's like my personal life has been on hold since I started this job almost 5 years ago.
It's like I cannot live my own life. Damn it's annoying!
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
3am chips Bc woke up a bit hungry and couldn't fall back to sleep 200
800 cal before lunch including snack of chips (200 cal) at 3am along with a weak sleeping pill. carbs help me sleep. I was both hungry and heart racing due to late evening caffeine around 5pm yesterday still affecting me at 3am. Not giving up the caffeine yet - I have excellent workouts bc of it. Workouts are more intense, usually faster to finish, & stronger overall compared to if I didn't take the caffeine. So, until sister's wedding early April - i'm doing them with caffeine.
too bad I couldn't continue to sleep lol past 6. I am half asleep at work - good I don't need to do much!? jk...all is good. making it thru. tonight i'm working on sleeping thru the night. I haven't done so for a couple weeks - waking up constantly throughout the night every 2-3 hours for around 2 weeks straight.
I may need to consume more carbs to even out my mood and also sleep. tonight I may get nails done fast after work - but then the plan is nice dinner and reading and bed. that's it!
1450 before dinner
Dinner was huge - very emotional day - not gonna talk about it right now though.
Cabbage 100, other veggies 100, garlic spinach 150, eggs 100, chips 350 800
Saying 2250 for today.
15 min walk at lunch.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
been busy.
sorta good sorta so-so guy drama too.
decent healthy eats.
1150 cals before end of workday.
1400 before gym and caffeine.
after gym 200
1600 total = excellent.
excellent workout as well.
4day total = 1750 per day. excellent.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Overall, it was a very good day :-)
1350 cal after a bigger lunch - I was tired from it lol...
dinner: also bigger: tons of brussel sprouts at least 150 cal, some white meat chicken with curry flavors but not really any sauce 150 , some leftover full of sauce Sri Lankan leftovers from Saturday veggies only 150, and some chips as carbs / fat 150: prob not more than 600.
total: 1950 - excellent.
3 day total - 1800/day = very good.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Cheers!
Best of all, after last night, I have no doubt I will be a great NYPD officer when my time comes. I have NO DOUBTS! :-) talk more about it later.
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Morning :)
Dress shopping today with mom for my sister's wedding. Everyone has a dress already except me...so I am catching up! :)
4am woke up hungry and little anxious so had some carbs (chips) 180
9:30am: kombucha again with stevia because the flavor was not a sweet one 70
10:45am: healthy oatmeal 120 with egg whites 60, banana 120, and caramel whipped peanut butter 100, also stevia for taste. total here: 400 cal.
total so far: 650, very good.
1pm tasty, larger lunch: dark meat chicken 250, white rice 150, lots of veggies (some in sauce) 150, 150 - total 700 - good, healthy.
total so far: 1350 - good.
5pm snack before gym 150
After gym: protein bar and aminos 200
Total 1700! Nice!
2-day average is excellent - 1725 per day.
today is busy but at least i'll find a dress and be done with that which is very stress relieving actually!
Plans:
1. already finishing up laundry at 11am.
2. maybe buy a coffee...then DEFINITELY Go out to Rite Aid and buy some detergent, toilet paper, tissues, maybe fabric softener if it's on sale, bottled waters for work / gym you know, I might as well save my $$$, and just buy what I really need right now - little bit of detergent and tissues.
3. maybe stop and get some food for the week (fruit, some veggies) I can buy meat later on tonight for after the gym...?
4. drive to long island and meet my mom at 2:30 at the dress shop
5. snack & gym (4-5??) get there sometime after I find a dress...
6. pick up a chicken maybe - probably wait for Monday on this...
7. was gonna do nails but I may cut them off myself...
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Happy Saturday!
Food:
11am: kombucha mixed with seltzer and added some stevia bc it wasn't a sweet type of kombucha. 70.
Noon: Huge pancake with sugar free jelly 50, ingredients: 1 small banana 120, 1 cup egg whites 130, 1/2 small avocado 150, stevia, cinnamon: 450 needing more "whole foods, fats, good carbs."
total so far today: 520 -
Snack coffee drinks 130
3:45 Snack bar and candy: 200
Dinner at 7 - not more than prob 750 cal and later at 11pm before bed a protein bar 150 900 total
1750 - EXCELLENT.
trying to save calories for dinner tonight in city - but when I order, I don't care if people think i'm weird - I plan to order their seasoned veggies (whatever they have on menu) and shrimp...but...maybe i'll opt for a healthier fish or something - gonna look at menu again now!
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This whole weekend so far, I am feeling the challenge of the New Year. In a good way. I realize I am very in control of my future (as well as now). But my point is that I know I have the power to be happy now & make decisions now & that all my feelings / actions now will fully affect my future. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense because it's sort of ambiguous, but it makes sense to me.
I have my goal to join the NYPD. And it's up to me to realize it for myself. I need to be proactive in my feelings and actions. I need to have faith and confidence in myself. That's what will get me there in this new year! Oh, just to mention, I do still have at least 1 more year till joining.
But, it will happen either January 2017 or July 2017. And this is the year that I am fully making that 180 degree change and getting myself there! Without a strong 2016, my desires for 2017 can't happen. It's NOW OR NEVER. And I choose now to be happy and move forward with my life!
Tonight I'm going out to dinner in NYC. I may also go to the Museum of the American Gangster if I can get my butt into the city a little earlier :-) I have yet to decide if I'll stop by the museum. It would be nice, mind opening experience & there is a guided tour. I would go by myself and then meet my friends for dinner later. We are meeting for Sri Lankan food! So cool! This is my big event for the New Year's long weekend and i'm happy about it.
This is the restaurant i'm eating at:
This weekend may have been more relaxed, but it was also definitely ENOUGH for me. With a two big, hardcore gym days and a nice afternoon / evening in city, I'm happy. As an adult, I have learned in the past few years that you have to pick & choose what's most important to you. I've learned that life is a give & take (not fully all games!). haha. And to be happy with my own choices - which I am this weekend!
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Tomorrow: i'll buy a little more food for the weekend, some bottled water for work, also need a couple boxes of tissues, little bit of laundry that I didn't do yesterday & gym.
CHANGE OF PLANS - my mom decided we should go dress shopping this weekend instead of next and because she is buying my dress I am going with her despite her asking me today and that not being on my schedule for tomorrow. It bothers me that she asked me last minute for Sunday Bc we originally had made plans to go NEXT weekend and that would have been my big plans for the weekend. I was honestly looking forward to a more laid back day tomorrow - not a lot of running Around. But oh well, she's buying my dress so I have to go. But I also have to worry about my rest and health. In many ways, it would have been better for me to totally say I wouldn't be around fr tomorrow. My mom doesn't understand my desire to stick with the plan.and the plan was to go NEXT weekend as this is what I discussed with my mom LAST WEEKEND. What she did was wrong to make me go tomorrow. I should have stick with saying no. Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
haha...in general I do get anxious though, glad someone here relates...
same thing with plans. I like to be in control - same as you it seems - I did feel better once I was actually trying on the dresses - you were right.
1840-7day average. Very decent.
Happy New Year :-)
Today's some laundry & gym. (I don't think I need to do any food shopping until Sunday except for some Kombucha that i'll pick up after the gym....trying to also save money this weekend and not throw out any of the food that I have in my fridge already !)
Also - Filling out some online paperwork stuff...Probably talking on the phone with my best friend also but will get off if she starts getting me anxious lol. just being honest.
Anyways, already getting things done today. :-)
Early Kombucha 100.
Breakfast: peanut butter 200 on brown rice cakes 60, small banana 120, sf jelly 10, little bit kabocha squash 30...energy drink
before gym: decaf coffee and a chocolate 130
After gym: bean chips 210 around 2:15pm
3pm: more chips 270, aminos 30, protein bar 170. total here around 470
3:30pm salad 150, popcorn 80 230
5:30 more chips yes really! 160 1720.
6:30pm cereal and almond milk 220
1940
8pm: bar 210, small banana 120, peanut butter 100. blech. total here: 430
total today: 2370 - fine. indulged for the new year, I guess!
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
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It would seem like a good thing based on what you've said that you are moving on from this fella. While doing so remember your value and that your are worth more than texting.
Stairs are a good workout. That counts as exercise. Have a good night.
Yes, overall it is a good thing. I do deserve someone who wants to see me. Thank you.