I just got my new scale in the mail. I bought it off groupon and it's digital, not mechanical. It's very good & accurate. I'll be following it. No more "guestimating" my weight. Now, it's by the book - by the exact #. I knew I wasn't really ever perfectly 115 lol.
Plans today are very simple: laundry, stay home all daytime, pick my friend up for dinner :) I think hibachi :)
11am Kombucha 150
1:30pm: old brussel sprouts not so good 50, strawberries 50
2:30pm: Huge protein pancake made with egg whites 120, special protein muffin mix 200, sf jelly 30. total here: 350.
oh, and some more beef jerky...weird cravings lately. 100
Out to dinner tonight for tasty hibachi (Japanese where they cook in front of you!) I want to guess around 800-850. I doubt it was too much more.
1550 Saturday :) yay. NO exercise.
Saturday. So peaceful.
I slept around 10 hrs last night, I was so done! I texted my "halfway" boyfriend as I like to call him in the AM yesterday and he didn't get back to me. I didn't really appreciate it. Then, while at the gym yesterday, I texted him again and told him that if he didn't call or text me back, that he wouldn't hear from me again because now he sees how I feel when i'm stressed (wedding stuff). And honestly, the problem was, i'd been wanting to talk to him since Wednesday and, yes, we was literally and honestly busy going to a wake that night...and the next night visiting another friend who's father died....but when we were texting and he said he wasn't stressed about these things, that it's life, and I asked him to then call me Thursday night after he visited his friend, he didn't follow thru. So Friday, I wasn't so happy that he'd "played me" and put me last and essentially followed thru with all his other social and friend obligations except for me. And yes, he celebrates Good Friday and Easter (I don't) so I do know he was with his family last night (and maybe even during the day), but that doesn't give him an excuse not to call me from Wednesday evening thru Friday evening when I actually asked him a few times to do so.
We've known each other 2.5yrs, him and me. And we've stated in touch by phone text and calls for two years. He has no excuse whatsoever. Even friends will call each other, especially when a friend is asking because she sounds like she need your support. He disregarded my feelings, when I told him I was upset about something at work, and didn't even care to help me and rather totally put his own interests first. This shows me that he's not caring about me even as a friend like he should. He has no consideration for me if he is going to act this way. And, I said him a few lasts texts even after telling him I wouldn't text him again. The reason I followed up by texting again is simple. I was fuming mad after my workout and the caffeine I had before it. And I needed to tell him my real feelings which are this: I am sick of having a "halfway relationship" with him and will not stand for it anymore. I am more than pissed at myself (bc the thing is, I can't be angry at a man that never said it was anything more...that never tried to play me....that just went along with it....with my texts...I actually can't say i'm angry at him....so, I told him I was annoyed and angry with myself for continuing on this thing I have with him. And I told him that I don't want it halfway anymore and can't. I ended saying "I am F*ucking Pissed." that was my last sentence to him. He did write a few texts later that night following up and, yes, he did get back to me. But, he didn't ask me questions. All his texts were statements. So, I was still fuming and not ready to write back so I didn't. I plan to write back to him the wedding night. to text him a photo of me all dressed up. Maybe even at the rehearsal dinner.
I do love this man. Despite what others say, I love him. I will have a broken heart if he really doesn't step it up to allow himself to be in an emotional and real relationship with me. I love his personality and i'm attracted to him 100%. I love his work ethic and his mannerisms. I am in love with his quirks too.
When he wrote back, it didn't really make full sense. He still held back from anything truly emotional. he is very closed up and has sincere troubles with anything relationship-like. If he can't ask me out. If he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, I'm going to have to move forward and it's very difficult for me to do if I have to. I have fallen for him, he doesn't know this. he doesn't know that I already love him. he doesn't really know that I loved him at first sight. I've never said the word love to him and never will until long after we were to "really" date. He always tells me where he is and what he's doing. But, if I cannot be the one finally out with him and being with him in person, then, I have to let him go from my mind and continue my life without him. It will break my heart. Because I already love him and it's been this way for awhile. I care for him very much. He does know I would go out of my way to see him and for him. He never told me "no" or stop texting me. He's never told me that he wasn't interested in me. So, I don't know. he's 44, single, never married, no kids.
The people he goes out with are his guy friends and when he gets together with big groups, the girls are sometimes still in their 20's. He jokes and tells me it's for fun and that he wouldn't really want to date a 20-something girl. Well, I'm 33 and he's 44....and I only prefer older men with more maturity. I tend to get along better with older men and not men my age. In general, I can't connect as well to men my age. Everything about him works with me. And he knows I feel this way. I've hinted a thousand times at it.
But if he cannot find a way to fit me into his actual life, it has to be over. It's so sad. You have no idea. So I told him I want the real deal. I don't know what he'll say. It's so darn emotional this stuff, it had me fuming. And I totally tired myself out last night and fell asleep 10 hours at least (took a sleeping pill on top of being exhausted). I need my extra sleep this week to boost my endurance and ability to feel resting leading into the wedding 4/2 and rehearsal dinner 4/1. Sleeping pills have been my savior this winter. Allowing me to sleep during the weeknights and sleep in when I need to on weekends.
Progress as of today: 8.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
9pm Update. Busy Day. Can't even fathom talking about it. but will try to remember everything I ate / drank:
Kombucha around 150
Banana 120
Bar 200
Drink 30
Total Above: 500
Israeli Salad (contains some dressing) 200, turkey 150, seltzer, 350.
Plum 50, granola bar 100, drink 50 200.
Late Meal: sautéed bean sprouts with some other veggies 150, too much beef jerky 200, seltzer. around 350-400.
total today; 1450. good.
Good exercise also.
Good Morning Everyone :)
Happy Good Friday to those celebrating.
I took the day off today (all unpaid now until April 1st) to relax, chill, go to my Tax Preparer & find a hair accessory for my sister's wedding. I want a hairpiece to attach to my own hair probably like a bun, but it's a lot of hair so it looks like I have more hair. Not trying to be fake with it, more that I want it to look pristine...I went it to help me look beautiful and natural, not spoiled & trashy.
I did ask my coworker turned great friend (known her around 3 years) to help me Saturday but I know she's busy already although she said yes to help me, but I do feel bad, so I want to do the work on my own today & maybe show her photos of what I find. I can even call her while she's at work while i'm at the store with the hairpieces.
I am also going to my accountant to get my taxes done. It will be great to receive that check, pay off the few charges but more than usual unpaid stuff on my credit card around $1,000 due to more spending (on purpose) knowing that I'd be able to use some of my tax refund. I spend money recently for a trip to AC with Jen from work, a concert in June with Christine my best friend, and also general stuff leading up to this wedding spending. All worth it. More visits to dermatologist also - those copays and a therapy / dr copay. All to be easily paid off. no worries. I never get into problems with debt thankful for this. I know my limits - but took advantage of life & knowing a tax refund would help me live it up a little & giving myself a major break & relaxing about it. Sorry, I have to be able to put it into perspective for myself and you guys.
I am having lots of mixed emotions lately as the wedding / rehearsal dinner is one week away. I am thinking of my own friends / love life too / family. Just everything is coming up. Doesn't help that it's that "TOM" emotional time of month soon either ! LOL.
All in all, I'm happy. I'm thankful. And I'm proud of myself. thankful for my friends and family. and looking forward to having a good, productive week. Cheers.
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
Wednesday Cals: only 1250, no breakfast or snacks in AM due to sitting in a meeting = great change of pace! perfect for my wedding prep right now!
5-day cal average per day: 1520 per day = excellent.
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Thursday Cals:
total today 1550.
6-day average: 1525 per day, excellent.
It's already Thursday Morning...I was busy yesterday enough not to write an entry...
But also, we had a VERY BIG and IMPORTANT and also SERIOUS meeting at work yesterday. Everyone at my company will be soon trained thru this 2.5 hour COMPLIANCE meeting. So, no more logging onto DD while at work :(. I probably would NOT get in a big trouble, but it's not worth it. So now, if I were to log in, it would be thru my cell phone and obviously not as good for commenting on your diaries which i'd probably just do at home & i'll prob resort to writing down my calculations on a desktop word program & deleting every day what I write but actually deleting every word....yeah. and also by using my post-it notes. I've been using post-its already multiple years while at this job to keep track of what i'm eating, especially if it's different or unplanned from what I thought it would be yadda yadda yadda....
sucks that there's so many rules at work for computer use because let me tell you: sitting in front of a computer for 8 hrs is a killer. and doing mind-numbing work for 8hrs is a killer!
Oh! and guess what!? there's a new rule at my company - we aren't allowed to be paid OT!!!!!!!!! Therefore, I don't have to work it anymore!!!!!!!!!!! wahooo!!!!!!!!!!! My boss did something as$hole-ish: he had me work an hour OT on Tuesday before I knew this rule & then said to me: "Jackie, you won't get rich off an hour anyway." !!! don't worry, this will NOT happen again & I wasn't angry because Monday I did leave early for Dr so it's like I was making up time for Monday. ....
Lots of stress at my company and lots of rules. Things are changing for the worse. It makes me want to run out of there as fast as possible. I will really work on preparing myself for the NYPD starting with preparing in May. (April is a rest month & break for me - I need it).
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
but the meeting, although unfortunate and nasty really, was good for me. It taught me life lessons of using MORE common sense and better judgement going forward in life & in whatever career choice I make.
4-day avg: 1587 per day. This is very good.
dinner: lots of sautéed bean sprouts around 100? beef jerky yeah been eating this a lot around 110, some chips ...160 total dinner I'll just say 400.
Total today around 1500, excellent.
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With hair blow-dried (not wet and heavy) and pooped everything out after 3 cups kombucha, sorry tmi, somewhere 115point something on my mechanical scale!!! I did it!!!!!! Nailed it!!! And by wedding it will stay 115 or less by then yes did it nailed It :) so proud of myself!!!!
So what are my goals for the next week and a half? Keep cals low. Find a hairpiece for my hair at wedding, confirm with style team that they can do my hair with it..
Keep cals LOW...lol, needed to repeat this.
One last dress fitting with adjustments if I want to...I don't care what they say! prob not needing to make any more changes to the dress - I hope I don't have to, actually.
AND....then....
...keeping to my new calorie levels after wedding but a break when partying in AC...the following Friday after the wedding on 4/2 lol....crazy!? can't believe I told my friend yes to going that weekend! LOL should be fun! and going to indulge in drinking!
...then....full swing gear relax in April
....then thinking and acting towards getting myself into the Academy and maybe in January 2017 instead of July 2017. But if July, it's not a big deal in the least....but January would be better to get out of this job sooner rather than later...only if I am physical ready. And if i'm not physically ready in January 2017, I'll be more than ready come July.
I tend to push myself too hard past my limit, so i'll need to hold back if anything. Upper body training will be REDUCED no matter what, and lower body will focus on strengthening. Not too much focus will be spend on cardio still.
I plan to write a lot about the NYPD and my goals in my entries starting prob in May i'll start writing more about it. to keep my focus up. There's no stopping now, I'm on my way! Just let's get this wedding out of the way!
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
Majestic Monday:
1616 3-day avg
I am very high on life & very focused on gearing up for my sister’s wedding. Feeling sure of myself, strong, focused and determined!
8:30am 100 cal
10:30am banana 120
11:30am bar 220
3pm on way home from mall: plum 60
Late lunch around 3:45pm: tons of cooked veggies but low cal ones with the lightest sauce ever (hardly any sauce) 250 at most. the place I like to stop at had tons of extra veggies that they usually don't have - selection was amazing for the prepared stuff - so I bought extra as it's my last busy week before I take a week off before the wedding. So yea, i'm going to do WHATEVER I can to make the week as smooth as possible and make sure I have enough veggies so I can eat till i'm content and manage my weight for these last two weeks! And actually, it's now under two weeks. SO EXCITING. I cannot wait to put on my dress :) and then some turkey jerky not that great. 160 and now gonna have flavored seltzer with stevia and chill out before gym which i'm going to at 6pm today.
total so far: around 900...gonna be good today, keep it def no more than 1500.
before gym: fiber one bar & caffeine 200
After gym: Snookerdoodle Protein Cookie (hi carb, mod protein, mod fat) 360
total today: around 1450 - super duper.
2-day average = 1625/day. good.
I am def in wedding mode (even though i'm a bridesmaid, not a bride) and I am eager to look WONDERFUL in my dress. I had the last fitting today & made sure to tighten it up!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, it's SUPER important for me to stick to my guns and do what I need to in order for this dress to look ABSOLUTELY the way I want it to on me. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO happy already based on the fitting today. :)
My plan is to do my own approach until wedding. After it, I ordered some things like a "3-day refresh," but I will NOT be using anything new before wedding since I know my approach of calorie counting is what works. So, I'm going to go with the foods I like & do what I like (I think) until wedding. Just 4 days of work this week, then i'm finally off to get my tax filing done...and any little prep I need to do before wedding :) wedding 4/2 - yay!
My plan is to stay around this amount of calories Monday & Tuesday. Next gym session is NOT until Wednesday :)
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Plans for today: dress fitting at noon, pick up food for week & lunch, come home 7 eat, read more, / relax, go to gym, dinner. :)
Stayed at mall MUCH longer than expected - like 2 hours more than I thought I would. But worth it because mom was with me & I found the last item that I needed - black shoes to go with my dress for the rehearsal dinner. Reason I needed so much for this wedding in the first place is because I didn't own any dresses (or rather any dress I did own at home was NOT purchased within the past 5 years!). so yeah, it was ok to buy a dress for the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, and wedding. I had borrowed my mom's shoes for the bridal shower. And now I have a pair of comfortable, lower heals, that I bought on sale for $60 that are HIGH QUALITY and that I can even wear with jeans. They go with everything. So this is great! I'll wear them at the rehearsal dinner too & my ankle and feet won't be crying after. I cannot wear high heals anymore - I have too many issues and it's NOT worth messing around when what I want is NYPD.
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Proud of myself for yesterday's activities (20 min walk, reading, resting, internet stuff, going though some heath bills, signing up for an online weight/health challenge group with friends I know from college, laundry, taking care of myself and being lazy) / rest / calories / not overindulging when I wasn't hungry / taking a sleeping pill and getting good sleep leading into today.
I am rested from last night, feel good although still keeping into consideration that I must continue to try to rest when I can this week & keep getting better. Bad cold is just about over thankfully - but I will need to continue getting good sleep this week to kick it to the curb. !!! And I will. Wedding in just under 2 weeks now! And to top it off, I am going to Atlantic City the following weekend for one night with a friend to party at a pool party there at night mostly, and walk around & see the place! So cool!! AC is my party to celebrate the end of winter / end of wedding stuff / and live up my life for a night!
And after the wedding & AC, I am starting to line up a few things to do in Spring so that life stays happy & interesting. When things get too boring & static, I get depressed. I enjoy change in my life - and by doing new things here & there, I will be able to keep the positivity up.
Other things planned:
April: Brooklyn Botanical Gardens - Cherry Blossom Festival end of April either a Saturday or Sunday whatever my friends can do!
May: Mother's Day (a given to see my folks!), and maybe end of May will be maybe a small trip to New Hope, PA on Memorial Day weekend!, or just relax in May....no worries. tired thinking about it all...
June 8th: A Wednesday night! i'm going to a concert at 6pm (going to work that day & still going to work the next day because it's such an early concert starting 6pm and it's so close to where I live!) that's literally in my backyard only 15 min away in Queens at Citi Field Met's Stadium - Beyoncé!!!! so cool!. I'm going with my best friend Christine (we are getting along better now thankfully!) and i'll pick her up from the train after work & drop her off after the concert. Works out really nicely!) and of course Father's Day, a given with my family.
July 9th: My friend Bill is coming down from Canada to visit and we'll go to NYC for a show, maybe see my other friends & introduce him, and also bring him to a really cool beach.!!!
So, there are nice plans with friends for sure in the spring & summer. Happy about this. Very happy. I plan to live it up a bit this summer, taking my new days as I please but within reason. I may go on a trip come December 2016 or Februrary 2017 depending where i'm at work-wise and job-wise.! If I do a trip, it would be a cruise probably or trip to Vegas (which is unfortunately so much more expensive but I might...)
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
I am trying to make plans now so that when spring and summer is finally here, I do have nice things to do! thank you Marshall!
Plans for today: staying home, not going out / getting dressed in street clothes, and doing laundry downstairs still in my apt building. happy to be home & be home ALL day. reading / relaxing / maybe a walk around the building actually - if I feel up to it later. but for now, resting. getting over being sick. happy to have a rest day. was waiting for it!
Last week was a challenge, but I got through it. I even finished with a gym session last night but tried my best not to do a couple exercises that involve basically only the shoulder. I will continue my gym sessions thru the end of this month but will be taking extra care in dealing with my shoulder. And after the wedding, I resolve to take around 3-4 weeks off from the gym (or I will go but not work out intensely / not worry about missing days here & there).
In May, i'll be back at it in full swing. I want to have a nice beach body come summer! but, i'm going to change around my gym routine a bit in May - for more lower & less upper body I think. From May onward, my real challenge is not a beach body really at all. My focus will be on strengthening my lower body & getting into the NYPD. That will be my main focus & hard work will be put in!
...Dedication like nothing you've ever seen. Yup. I will not be done after the wedding, rather i'll be just starting & changing my total focus. Gym sessions will prob be shorter. and possibly more often. Like, 1 day legs, 1 day upper. now I do everything same day...i'll work it out. But a change is coming in May. These changes are on purpose to live healthier & workout smarter. To help me sleep better & live better. I need to make some changes to my gym workouts. So, when I join my new gym, I'll start over a little bit! different goals.
Today so far: 8am: aminos in water 30, Kombucha 70. 100.
9:30-10:15am: spread-out breakfast: some roasted cabbage in some oil 100 at most, some cauliflower roasted with nuts & small pieces fruit 200 most, and a health salad in some oil / vinegar prob around 150 most. oh, and leftover beef jerky 50, and some chips 100! - total here: 600, good.
total so far: 700, good, balanced. now I'm happy I have my seltzer!
12:30 big, satisfying meal: lots of cooked veggies with oil 200, then a microwave Smart Ones mac & cheese 300 mixed into cooked cabbage 50, and a drink 50. total: 600 and satisfying!
1300 :)..sometimes it's best to rest and not totally eat the minimum. Planning for around 1800 today.
2:30 fruit and chips 160
4:30 fruit and bar 300
1750..rest day...its ok...50 after my walk - had another plum. lots of fruit today. :) two plums, and lots of strawberries throughout the day.
total today for saturday: 1800 and losing my appetite a bit - now it's 7pm. just thirsty for plain water at the moment & very tired.
Its almost 9pm and took a sleeping pill just now. deciding kitchen is closed for today. Dress Fitting tomorrow which may be the last. However, I do plan to go back, myself without my mom, the week before the wedding to be sure that I don't want any more alterations.!!! I want to look as good as I can, the end.
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I did end up going for a 20 or 30min walk. not sure what it came to. was a good idea. but i'm overall very tired. just need extra rest right now. beginning to feel a lot better, but just need rest...whatever, i'll just rest a bit during the week leading up to the wedding since i'm taking off those days I do plan to lay low and enjoy some nice, quiet, care-free personal time. I'll catch up with things that need catching up with & also be relaxing a lot at home like I did today. and do things at a slower, relaxed pace - very much including sleeping in that week. :)
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It's a full rest day, not upset for staying in all day. I was waiting for this opportunity since Monday. I don't even want to walk outside. No cares. Just want to be home all day & loving this freedom to stay inside. I may change my mind later just to move around for a few minutes, but overall, i'm staying home. No driving no matter what. No food shopping. Nothing beyond walking around the block a lil bit! So nice to have the freedom to relax & rest.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
1840 7-day average :) great!
6am: kombucha 80
8:30am: balanced bar 140, blueberries 120, hot water (trying to lay off tea and coffee at work) total 260.
11am snack: bar (natural, healthy, balanced type & higher carb w/ added vitamins) 220
planning on gym tonight even though i'm still battling this cough....feeling like i'll use the caffeine and just power thru.
1pm lunch: greens 100, half avocado 160, popcorn 160, chicken with some skin 200, diet coke: 620.
If I have to work, I will treat myself and go to the gym. I will chill on Saturday.
Before gym: plum 50, bar 100, drink 50: total less than 200 actually. i'll say 170
1350 before gym, excellent. 400-450 after gym.
total today: 1800. nice!
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
1960 5-day average = pretty good for sure, getting lower if I keep some low days. tomorrow I will NOT be at the gym. Planning on going Friday after work. And then sunday night. I took only 1 day off this week, but got a lot of rest days in a row since Sunday which is really good. my shoulder is starting to feel better a little bit. the more I can rest it, the better.
So far thru morning & 120 yogurt later, kombucha 70, banana 130, bar 220, coffee 40, grapes 80
Lunch 450 (microwaved spinach mixed with with a Smart Ones microwave meal of Macaroni & Cheese).
Left work at 4pm (half hour early) to go to dermatologist. Glad I left early, because with the small shopping (buying food at specialty store near the derm.) and with derm. apt, I finally was home at 6:30pm. So, glad I did leave work at 4pm! Everyone else leaves when they want to, and i'm literally exhausted / sick...so....yeah, I put myself first today, thank god. As soon as I woke up this morning, felt like I needed to leave work at 4pm since I knew I had a dermatologist appt. Glad I did...less traffic getting there as well.
Snack on way to derm: blueberries around 100 and bought a flavored sparkling water.
Huge dinner, but pretty much healthy stuff (bought it all tonight near my Dermatologist - it's in a HUGE shopping center with awesome food of course!) pickles 50, lots of roasted brussel sprouts 100 at most i'd say?, seaweed salad 100?, beef jerky that I already had (wanted lots of salt) 200, chips 150. total: 600. good. could be more, but i'll just say 600!
total today: around 1700, good...much better. and tomorrow, I will keep it low as well as Friday & Saturday. I should - my dress fitting is on sunday! It's my next to last fitting i'd say!
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Worry-free Wednesday. I’ll think positive, why not. It’s my only option I do know….because being so negative isn’t helping me feel better sooner. So there. I’m trying today.
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