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horn_of_plenty - Monday Feb 09, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

not more than 2,000 cal.

25 min stroll on treadmill at lunch :)

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/09/2015:
{*;*} YAY {*;*}

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Feb 08, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Good Morning :)

Once again, I slept well last night. Maybe even more like 9 hours. I went to be very early, around 8pm because I was feeling really tired and slept till around 5:30am?  Don't wanna write it, but my legs are burning a little bit this morning. I did extra walking yesterday, so maybe that's why or maybe it's in my head. who knows. I will at least use the leg massager rod I have here before leaving for the gym.

Breakfast: Maypo Oatbran 200, made with coconut water 60, canned pumpkin with stevia/cinnamon 40, and smart balance nut butter 200. total 500. good!

I am planning on a good weights workout this morning, around 8 or 9 when the gym opens. just gotta shower ;)


Very dizzy and tired this afternoon.

Overall calories around 2350, good.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

museumgirl on 02/08/2015:
Glad you got a good night's sleep. Hope your legs feel better today :)

puddles on 02/08/2015:
Sleep is important. Congrats on that. Have a great day.

nenak on 02/08/2015:
Have a great day x

thinnside40 on 02/08/2015:
Take it easy if your still dizzy/tired.... Sorry about it.

Umpqua on 02/09/2015:
I hope you have a great week and stay safe with all this snow we're getting!

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Feb 07, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Starting this beautiful Saturday off right 

I woke up around 6:45 which def counts as sleeping in for me. around 7.5 hours sleep which is great. I slept very soundly and just woke to use the bathroom once.  Glad to get a good night's sleep.  I feel happy and more productive after it. 

I am started to catch the negative thoughts moving into my consciousness but the problem is that i'm kinda trying to block them before i can figure out exactly what they are. Still they seem to be thoughts about not being good enough, not being able to make it in the NYPD, and my health - worrying i'll ever make it to the academy & if my health will be restored fully. but the truth is, i shouldn't worry, i'm generally healthy and no different than the average person.  I have all the resources to get there (I've done the whole application and i just have the physical fitness test left - that's it). 

I just need to reinstate the application and it's all less worry than i realize...i am thinking about that right now.  It's actually pretty simple!  I just need to keep working at my current job, till next January (but that means leaving in December)  or next July 2016 (meaning i'll leave before Labor Day in May) to actually start.

Calculated, the months from the current date until end of May 2016 is 16 months away. that is not even so many...I can do this. it's under a year.  If i stay in my current job now till the summer 2016, i'll be rewarded with a small pension every year for my service - from 55yrs old and on.  If i leave before January 2016, I'll not have that benefit because i will have been in my job under 5 years. By summer, it would be a few months over the 5 year mark.

Summer is a better time than the cold, freezing winter to be in that academy.  In general, it's better for the body to be active and in training during the warm summer months. and at that point, i'll be 33 almost 34, so, it's important i think about my body and health in this way. i won't be one of the young 21-25 year old NYPD recruits.

16 Months is nothing. But also enough time to regain all my health, as long as I can continue with more positive thinking day by day. I will have to look out for myself.  And do what I need to do for me in order to achieve this. This time period is a team for emotional, mental & physical healing.  I know that next winter is too early, but next summer is just perfect. And, knowing i can leave my job whenever i want to is great too.  Knowing i can leave as early as I want to in May 2016!

Heck, i can even take TWO MONTHS off work before the academy. I can leave in April 2016....(because new vacation days start in March / April - so i may be able to be paid for some of the time i am not working!)  ...So let me focus on getting these 5 years under my belt (Feb 1st of next year i'll be in my union for 5 whole years). So i gotta make it to 2/1/15 in order to reap the benefits of all the working I've done already these past 4 years.  If i can stick it out, i'll be rewarded...i'm guessing at least $1,000/year after age 55. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it's good money nonetheless.

July 2016 is probably a better time for me - no spring allergies to deal with around March-May (they can make me tired -& lethargic - not in the mood to study - especially from the allergy medicine side effects - and it would be better if i wasn't studying and in the academy at the time i have allergies if i could prevent it).

And finally i am working less hours and working on restoring both my physical and mental health so they are both strong. So i am not constantly worrying to the degree i do now about things.  I also want to "live a little" and start enjoying more activities & events with friends.  Not saying i want to become a more outgoing person really, but just want to be able to plan events time to time that involve a little more action - actually going into the city, more walking, etc.  I want to pull away from being a homebody so much - to the point of being on the couch all day - because that is something that has happened over the past two years because of the shin splints.  I am looking to at least be able to enjoy being a little more active because it'll help me mentally (doing fun things!) and also be beneficial towards my goal to be a cop.

I want to a boxing event only a 10 minute walk away from where i live last night - and that was one of the best things i could have done last night.  and i realized, i was having a lot of fun, and hardly thought about my legs at all.  i'm making big progress.  so doing these things, getting out of my head & apartment, is very helpful...

Breakfast Kombucha first 50, then Maypo Oat Bran with almond milk, cinnamon & stevia 200, pumpkin 50, and peanut butter yum! 200: 500 and wonderful.

early lunch around 11:30: chips 200, wrap 100, with leftover chicken sausage (just a few pieces) and veggies 200, and a full fat greek yogurt bc I needed to calm my hunger (I felt very hungry and like my blood sugar was out of whack) 200 - the yogurt helped completely.700 at most.

total: 1200 so far, excellent. will try for a walk at the park later, if the snow stops.

craving carbs today, not sure why. anyways, fruit - orange and grapefruit 150, followed later on by wasabi coated almonds 170.

probably around 2300 total. had a lot of extra carbs with dinner (white rice) and I think I needed it.

today I walked overall probably around 3 miles. half in the morning half in the late afternoon. I think legs are starting to be able to handle more.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 02/07/2015:
Have a great weekend! Good luck with your plans.

nenak on 02/07/2015:
Sounds like a good plan x

museumgirl on 02/07/2015:
Good plan, great attitude!

horn_of_plenty - Friday Feb 06, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

I think one of my unconscious fears is that I will not be able to handle or be successful working as an NYPD. I know I will be. Maybe this is what brings me some of my pain. I can do it. I can be successful on my own. Still working on relieving myself of pain and Lots of negative, compulsive thinking (thinking about certain things too much) everyday.

Calories around 2000.

Exercise probably total of 45 min walking during day, excellent.


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/06/2015:
Think positive. Have a great day.

museumgirl on 02/06/2015:
Fear of success can be stalling...but what's the alternative? Definite failure. Take a chance on yourself, you might be surprised. :) A couple years ago I started to try to step outside of my comfort zone, and I've had both success and failure, but even the failures have been way more fun than not trying :) have a good day.

grannyannie on 02/06/2015:
Try thinking every day of what you are grateful for. It helps when you're feeling negative.

liza36 on 02/06/2015:
I like what everyone has had to say. You can reach your goals and rid yourself of the fear and pain. You do have it in you!

Umpqua on 02/06/2015:
Those negative thoughts can turn into a vicious cycle and you will only end up hurting yourself in the end. Try to visualize your future and the things you hope to achieve and make a habit out of it. Eventually the positivity will win out over the negative thoughts.

biscottibody59 on 02/06/2015:
Glad things appear to have settle down at work for you!

Yes the Sarno concepts are something everyone should be aware of just in case. We're all human and go through the same trials at some point. I suppose some people get away unscathed throughout life, but it's good to know that there's an alternative way of thinking about the subject of pain.

thinnside40 on 02/06/2015:
The ole mind can p;ay nasty tricks. Your worth doing your best to reach for those goals!

thinkpositive on 02/06/2015:
It's normal to question and doubt but from reading your posts your goal of NYPD was and is well thought out. Go back & read your posts and remember how you came to the decision and how hard you have worked. Hang in there.

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Feb 05, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Around 2250 which is amazing considering that I ate 1700 cals thru end of workday.

No waking, purposely took a break, did a good weights routine.

Hormones are not good as my chin acne is pretty bad and I once again am spotting when I pee. The Gyno went well Monday - so it's stress that's doing this. It's ok, I will def make it thru :)

Worked no OT and took short lunch in order to leave at 4:30pm. Best decision ever.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/05/2015:
Despite the acne & spotting, sounds like a good day for you..

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Feb 04, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Around 2100 today. Good and all healthy.

Walking at lunch.

Forgot to take my anti inflammatory and trying not to worry about it since I should be getting much better anyway. But legs are slightly bothering me - I believe it's in my head though. So over it :)

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

museumgirl on 02/05/2015:
your attitude is great lately, you're making progress and hopefully the walking helps strengthen you. I'm turning into a jello over here....

horn_of_plenty on 02/05/2015:
Thank you for the encouragement bc I need it!! I am still a bit stressed and it's difficult constantly shooting these negative thougjts and unconscious anger away - but I doing it little by little :)

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Feb 03, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

No catastrophe happened today at work bc of my behavior last week. it all went fine - i spoke with my superior about decreasing the overtime & it went fine.  i saw the VP that i told i was looking to be in the NYPD and as he passed by my desk he said hi...i said hi back...and that was it. he was pretty much busy in meetings anyways and my best friend advised that i don't continue it with him...or bring it up again (with the VP) - even if it's to say that i fixed my own problem. so, i didn't bring it up to him again today. you can tell he did remember though - by his facial expression and attitude. i could tell as he saw me that it registered right away what i said to him Friday. but, so far so good. he may decide to bring it up to someone - and if he does - so be it....i'll tackle that hurdle when it comes.

everyone was so busy today, it was easy to not have to run into Russ the VP or speak with him again...which is good...my friend told me NOT to bring it up to him again. NOT to remind him. i am glad she texted me and told me - bc i was about to tell him that i took care of what was upsetting me myself...glad she told me to stop.

calories thru lunch: 1500...(had pretzels)

dinner: lots of cooked cabbage around 200?, chicken 200?, some cauliflower 50?...i want some more cabbage...i may have a little more and a piece of fruit.

so total today is around 2100-2200, good.

i walked around 30 minutes at lunch. legs are hurting so very minimally and it's only when i remember...i am READING the books that biscottibody suggested and so far it is BEYOND INTRIGUING....i can definitely relate....and more than just a little....so i am enjoying the book....and i am actually highlighting in it....i like it that much. the author John Sarno is so fluid with his writing that there are so many points that he makes so well....that i am highlighting quite a bit :)  I am highlighting bc i plan to look back at these books when i am done - and review them again in the future.


Good Morning :)

Feeling ok today. Woke up ample times during the night, but overall, i feel relaxed and ready to start the day.

Breakfast: oatmeal with pumpkin, cinnamon & stevia, almond milk: 250 or so.  nut butter 200. 450 total. can't even finish it - will eat the remainder at work.

snack: full fat greek yogurt 200.

lunch: soup broth 100, some salmon 200?, chicken 150?, cauliflower 50?, avocado 100: 600 or so, good.

1250 (and prob coffee at work - so 1300)

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

SkinInTheGame on 02/03/2015:
Have a great day!

museumgirl on 02/03/2015:
have a good day, hope you feel good today and get some decent sleep.

Umpqua on 02/03/2015:
I hope things go well for you today. I'm so happy to hear you're speaking to your boss about changing your hours and putting yourself and your health first. I didn't realize moving to another department within your company was even an option, so that's great news. Also, excellent news on your weight, you're kicking butt!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/03/2015:
thanks girl! :)

it's not that i have skills for another dept - but could always manage something really secretarial i guess...point is, if it came down to the fact that someone in my dept didn't want me, i still think the owner would probably move me .... another option is out to the field but that's a long commute...so defeats the purpose of relaxing...haha. (the field is mostly in Manhattan, NYC - so a bus and train everyday)

thinnside40 on 02/03/2015:
Thinking about you and wishing you calm and peace today.

horn_of_plenty - Monday Feb 02, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

I was actually writing a new entry just now & it got deleted. so rather than write it again, i'm just gonna say that tomorrow i'll be going into work early to speak with my immediate boss. I don't think my job is in jeopardy, i'm trying to be positive about the whole situation.  I'm no longer angry and glad I had today off despite the crazy weather bc I had a chance to really think about everything and finally put it into perspective.

in order to achieve the nypd goal, things need to change. not remain the same. i'll be talking to my boss about making my hours normal and that's the end of it. if they can't be arranged, i'll have to change where i'm working - same company...but different dept or something to that effect.

that's it. done. even if I don't want to talk to my immediate boss about these things (change of hours, etc.), it's what I plan to do tomorrow morning. because if I don't make these changes for myself, nobody else will either, and I will in no shape or form ever reach that nypd goal. so, i'm going to do what I have to  - for myself. nobody can help me but me....right??

i'm being positive purposely and because it's the only way I can be. i'm going to focus even harder on my life and what I want from it. I needed Friday to realize this. I know I still have my job.  i do...

i'm going to tell my superior basically this - that i am young, i have a long life to live, my health is very important to me, especially the progress of my legs. that i was having a backslide the past couple weeks and was holding it in....and that i can't afford this to continue to happen. that i need to be able to care for my body after work and the only way is if he would please help me out and be understanding that i need to do certain things after work and can no longer work long hours. that once in awhile it's ok, but not every week. that set hours, like most of the staff, is what i need in order to care for my own wellbeing.


not sure on my calories for today - probably around 1700. perfect.


According to the scale at the gyno, i weigh 126. Not really too sure about that accuracy, but i'll take that low number. And since i love that number so much, i'll list it here :)

Skipped breakfast bc i was running extremely late for my appt at 8:30am and the weather was very snowy / slushy / wet / poor driving conditions.  I am looking at the window now, around noon, and finally it looks like the weather might be clearing up! Before my appt, I just had some broth with some added in turmeric and salt. around 100 cal.

Had a nice, filling lunch once at home: 1/2 avocado around 150, egg whites 60, egg 100, some leftover chicken sausage not more than 100, a low carb wrap 100, some kombucha 30. around 550, good...

650 cal so far today, i am aiming to keep today around 1500-1900 cals.

I finally cooked up some cauliflower for later. i must learn to prepare more meet / protein at home but it's just not a priority.  i was getting into it 3-4 years ago while still living home with my parents but opted for convenience in buying meats / fish from stores around here since there are so many place to go for it. However, i'd save a lot of money the other way - and of course i like preparing my own food. it's just a matter of time where i start to do more of that...

I had to throw away the collard greens that were in my fridge. i was meaning to cook them, but since they've been sitting there for 2-3 weeks, they spoiled. it's nice to be home an extra day - makes you want to do all those things you usually don't have the motivation to do when you are busier....I don't have a lot of vacation days. In total, I have 12 (2 days extra instead of 10 days for the Jewish holidays bc my company is generous!) days this year. and 5 sick days.  So, this is not an extra day or time off, it's part of  what i'm entitled to. 

Thinking about tomorrow makes me nervous, how it will be at work. i am going to try to just act normal and calm and hopefully everyone else will also be that way...hopefully all of my unprofessional behavior doesn't screw me over completely. i honestly don't think it will.


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/02/2015:
Best wishes H_O_P!

puddles on 02/02/2015:
Things turn out exactly the way they are suppose to turn out whether we worry or not. Have a good day.

biscottibody59 on 02/02/2015:
It's the easiest thing to be hard on ourselves. I hope all goes well tomorrow!

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Feb 01, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

prob around 2300-2400 today - good!

I did something on Friday which was highly stupid and ignorant - it could get me fired....I should write it here and maybe you guys could give me your opinions on it:

Have you ever been so exhausted / frustrated that you ended up saying something at work that could get you fired?

....of course I did...

Wednesday night I worked till 7pm. 8am-7pm which is too much for me, especially when I don't realize that I am going to be working that much ahead of time (no advance notice)

My main superior - my boss that I do most of my work for - had a problem with the way I did something and give me quite a lot of extra grief about it in the manner he spoke to me - letting me know he was frustrated with me.

I thought about that Wednesday night situation and it just got me so angry. Because I realized that I am getting very off track with the cop / nypd thing and that work has started to get progressively worse again with the hours. This leads to stress and that doesn't help me physically get to where I want to be. The goal was to leave the job healthy for the NYPD, not any other way - and now it seams I may actually be getting full out stuck.

Despite late hours Wednesday night, I work up early at 4am to get ready to go to the gym / and then straight to work for the day. Turns out I forgot a cardigan sweater at home, so after the gym I actually did have to drive back to my apt before going to work - so it already was a very busy morning...

I couldn't get myself into a good mood Thursday no matter how hard I tried. I just kept thinking how most of my coworkers don't have my hours (except for one - out of like 15 folks). I can't do it and go to the gym and get ready for the NYPD. I will fail if I have to continue on with long hours. It just doesn't work out, as I have experienced.

I have nobody to share this with - except for you guys and my best friend Christine and maybe one or two other folks. My dad has been in the electrical industry - local 3 union for NYC - for around 40 years. It is his life. He helped me get my job - basically got it for me when I didn't have one - 4 years ago. He doesn't understand my frustrations - and if I tell him - he will argue that people have it worse. My mom is even worse....she will simply ask me if I got paid for the overtime - and say, well, you gotta pay your bills, right!? you gotta be thankful that's what my mom says. She will argue  with me if I say anything further, telling me that I am young and should have no problems working extra hours. especially bc I have no other family obligations.
It turns out it is a problem for me to work extra hours. I have been holding my feelings inside from my boss and everyone at work. Trying to carry out the orders I am given - to work these hours. but it came to a bitter head on Thursday and Friday. I was in one of the worst moods I have ever been in at work. and still, today Sunday, I can't manage to relax. It has to do with a full out lack of sleep - of which my dad can function on as he typically gets up at 4am to go to the gym before work....but I need to go to bed early in order to do this...basically I am not my dad and I am not a superhuman...and I am not able to do more than most people. I'm an average person - and just like my coworkers whom enjoy the benefits of leaving on time - that would help me out too, GREATLY.

This is what happened that could get my fired:
I was very rude to my immediate boss (who I have not to this day ever mentioned the NYPD to - bc I can't), the one that had a problem with me Wednesday night...and was rude to him in front of a manager (who has been there just over a year) (I have been at the job 4 years). I said something to the effect of "well, I only took a 10 minute lunch, so it makes sense that I would leave at 4:30pm today!!) but with an angry, snappy tone. and the previous day, Thursday, in another snappy tone, I said "I need to leave...I need to leave now!" at 5pm (my time to leave if I was to work a simple 8am-5pm day which doesn't always happen - my first couple years hardly ever happening).

But worse, the cream of the crop....

My office is huge, maybe 200 people. Lots of administration - "managers" and "vice presidents." There is a very young Vice President - of my estimating department. He's actually a year younger than me. Very smart, good looking, nice life, level headed, married to a pretty wife, an adorable 6 month baby...

He doesn't work much overtime, doesn't have my hours, isn't always in the office, has many meetings, is not under constant supervision. Because he is a boss. Of course I am not on his level. My position is basically a administrative assistant with a little more knowledge and skill in the estimating programs and ability to a little more involved work. but that's it. this guy is going far, already probably making close or over 6 figures. like I said, different level...

he is in perfect shape. is on lots of sports teams. somehow he can fit it into his schedule during the week. I can't with my longer hours at times. like I said, he's not always in the office, so I don't know his routine, but I do know that he would never last sitting at a desk like I do - but of course this is all besides the point...

I ran into him at the copier, and he asked me "hows it going." I answered him rather rudely Friday and pretty brusquely too...saying, "i'm fine" or something like that and just didn't say anything else....so we were standing in silence while the copying machine was going and everyone was working...then he did say "we are all very busy" and that was it. all I could think was, "he doesn't know at all how I feel about being busy...at work...extra hours that I hate"

...and then I overheard some vendors from another company that came to visit at my work speaking to him...it was just a lighthearted conversation. they said "you are in such great shape, what sport to you play..." and he listed like 3 sports off to them. and I said to myself "why can't I have more of this in my life...why should I have such stress while others are basking in life's glory?!....why I am letting myself get the short end of the stick per se at work....why am I actually doing these extra hours when all it's doing is stressing me out...."

I am so grateful to have a job to be able to pay my bills.

But I am a person that does like a schedule and routine and that's the one thing that's stressing me out.

...turns out that guy I told you about - the Vice President of Estimating - the one who is so level headed, very smart, and successful, was just about leaving for the day. Around 5pm. I think he may have been actually saying goodbye to me? I forget. But I saw him enter the stairwell / corridor and I spoke up...I said, "Russ, can I speak with you....do you really want to know how I am feeling...and I told him I was frustrated. I told him I would have been in the NYPD this past summer if everything worked out right...that now after two years I am finally getting back into it ....wanting to start preparing for it again...and of course he misunderstood at first...thinking i'd want to leave in 6 months...to which I said "no, no, didn't you hear me - the NYPD is no longer a guarantee...and if I can get in...it would be a year or a year and a half"...I still do not know what he heard and what he got out of it. I mentioned that I have to get up at 4am to go to the gym because I never know "how long is Jackie is gonna work till every night?" He doesn't have that problem - he always knows his schedule.


Yes, it's too much in my head....

Yes, I have spent too much time thinking about Russ, myself, and my dreams of the NYPD.

I had little sleep from Wednesday night on and I let all of my worries and thoughts rise to the surface. And at 5pm Friday, above is what I decided to say to a Vice President in my company. He knows my dad, he asked "what does your father think of your desire to join the NYPD" I said my dad didn't really like the idea - that he didn't feel it was safe. But that this is my life & I need to be able to support myself. I also mentioned my father would be pissed if he knew I had brought this up at work....and I also asked Russ not to tell the owner of the company everything I had just told him. (Russ owes his own life to the owner of the company - who gave him a $30G wedding gift....I shouldn't know this, but I do.)

People get easily fired this way. I could have been fired on the spot for what I said to Russ.

....I did wrong.

If my dad ever found out about me speaking to Russ pretty much saying in effect that I want to leave, my dad would never forgive me...chances are he could find out, because I have just about done every possible thing to cause myself and my dad problems with my job and in the industry.

there are no excuses for my actions.

But the reason I said those things to Russ is simple. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Holding in the pain and upset feelings that I have all the time - is stressing too.

....but yes, work should be a game, and I didn't play it very well the past couple days. I failed at it.

I actually have Monday off, a planned vacation day, with two important doctor appointments (lol - the gynecologist that I haven't been to in 3 years...so i'd say it's important I go!...and dermatologist...which is less important but hard to fit in so I needed this day off in order to do both...)

I don't know what will happen Monday. I don't know if my actions Thursday and Friday and my talk with Russ at the end of the day Friday will horribly impact my future at this company. For some reason, I don't think it will. I am probably being ignorant, but also I just think I have put up with a lot of crap these 4 years and hopefully, if I have any luck, I will continue with the same...

Tuesday i'll be back at work....and I guess I just need have a talk with Sam (my immediate boss who loves to have me work long hours with him - he's a workaholic) and I need to tell Sam that my legs are beginning to bother me again and it's something very important to me - that the longer hours are affecting the progress of my legs. and ask him that I have more set hours. that on occasion I can work a longer day, but generally I need set hours.

Do you have any advice on everything I've mentioned above? Other than that I am "officially crazy." I know I did majorly wrong. Didn't act professional in the least. ...and I really haven't thought about the fact that I could lose my job & have to move in with my parents again....

Russ just said "wow, well that changes things...I need to digest everything you just told me..." he said a few other things too...like understanding how I want to live my life...and that he has played sports with people who haven't gotten shin splints and they have been fine...so I should have no problem...

Do you have any advice on my situations?

If I had a family / kids lol if I were a different person - this wouldn't have happened. i'd be distracted enough to not have ongoing and steady thoughts about how angry / upset I was over my work situation...

I am asking you because like I said, there's nobody else to go to.

I may talk about it tonight with a friend who is a sociology professor - it would be good to get his advice too while i'm at a superbowl party...

but I have to keep most of these feelings generally from my family and generally from the person I deal with most at work. and well, since things just didn't seem to be going right for me as of late, these past 3 weeks with increased work hours, etc., I just let it all out....


Happy Sunday.

Yesterday I did struggle to stay happy. and after my 2.5-3mi walk (I forget how long it was - if I took the short way on the second lap or the long lol...), my body was very cold and my legs bothered me. it could be in my head...but i'm taking it very easy today. no exercise. rest day completely. I only had to do minimal laundry.

later tonight i'm headed to a superbowl party. I probably won't stay too late as even though I have off from work tomorrow, I do have a gyno dr. apt at 8:30am...(haven't been to the gyn in maybe 5-6 years so gotta go!), also a dermatologist apt too - I get the botox in my underarms because I have a tendency to sweat too much and this fixes the problem.  I've been doing the botox for around 4 years.  I may try to wean myself off it - and even now sweating is definitely less of a problem than it used to be - as my excessive sweating was only during times of stress (hence work is when it was a major problem).  also, at parties and other functions I would also sweat profusely and it wouldn't look good and i'd want to wear mostly black to cover it up. so getting the botox helps a lot - I can wear all colors and not worry about sweating.

 breakfast was Maypo Oatmeal again with almond milk, 200, canned pumpkin 50, and some nut butter around 100. total 350.

snack: almonds and a clementine. around 200.

lunch: around 650, all healthy.

snack: cliff bar after a 2.5mi walk (I don't think i'm overdoing it, but my legs are tired after the walk...)250 cal.

1450, good.

out to a friend's house tonight:


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/01/2015:
You certainly have a lot on your plate right now - physically and mentally. Wishing you a restful evening.

biscottibody59 on 02/01/2015:
Russ heard you and perhaps he'll help you. I don't know. Only you know the atmosphere, so I'd hesitate to say.

At any rate, after 4 years maybe it's time to move on anyway. Especially if your skills translate to a job elsewhere.

Don't be too hard on yourself about all this is the best thing I could offer:-)

horn_of_plenty on 02/02/2015:
No moving in since I don't really have skills to be paid any more at all than I do currently. I was too stressed and totally broke down. Oh well...

Jezebel on 02/01/2015:
I had a long post prepared... but I am not sure you're ready for a blunt response. But if they are expecting longer hours from you than they are other coworkers, you might help yourself to see things from their perspective, by going back through your diary hear, and counting all the hours you've missed work. Ask yourself if they really ARE working you more than they are other people, or if they are just expecting you to make up the missed time off? If the latter is true, an honest conversation with both yourself and your supervisor might clear the air on exactly what they expect from you. If that is their true intention, then in reality, they might see themselves as much more accommodating than you imagine them to be. Numbers don't ever lie. But sometimes we deceive ourselves. If I were in your shoes, I'd start making all non emergency appointments on Saturday mornings - even if that means scheduling 4-5 weeks in advance. I know that might mean changing health care providers or other service providers, but frankly, that's the burden of the M-F 8 to 5 workforce.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/02/2015:
I am ready for a blunt response because i like honesty, even when i don't want to hear it, it's best that i do.

I am working more than most people. Most don't work overtime. Everyone always has a time when they come late because of a dr appt or other obligation, including myself...I am not different in that respect.

Only difference, but some other workers do also do this too (not everyone), is that i may not take 5 vaca days at a time. Rather, i spread them out, so i am able to have a vaca day here and there. so they last longer...and i can have a day off when i want to. I can't imagine using them all at once. In the summer i did group 6 of them actually...but the rest of the 4 days...and my sick days...are being used sporadically over the course of the year so i am not left without a day when i need one.

The majority of both my vaca and sick days, aside from the 6 in the summer, including important errands / dr appts / and other similar things that could only be done during the week.

I have not taken more days / time than i am entitled for...

but you are right, it's a burden to have to make all appts on the weekend and such...i do that with the dentist since they are so close...

anyways, i do appreciate your comments, but i want to believe and prove to myself that i haven't abused the system...

thinnside40 on 02/01/2015:
Lots going on.. Hope you can find a balance soon...

Umpqua on 02/02/2015:
Here are my thoughts, and obviously I'm just basing this on what you've written above. Russ is your superior, and it sounds like he sensed you're struggling and unhappy. Maybe he was just trying to feel you out an he got more info from you than he bargained for. As the VP, he should schedule a 1 on 1 private talk with you to really discuss some of these issues. If he doesn't do it, you should ask for it. Just to more fully explain what's going on and why you feel you are working too many hours. I know you've been working tons of OT for years, so I don't think there's a question about whether you are loyal or dedicated to your job. You can also more fully explain that you don't plan to leave the company any time soon (if that is the plan) but that NYPD is a long-term goal you are hoping to work toward. He already knows about it now, so it can't hurt to clarify that you aren't leaving the company tomorrow to join the NYPD.

If the company isn't willing to be flexible about all the OT you are working then perhaps you should consider another place of employment. I've been through a lot of jobs and any employer that doesn't truly care about the wellbeing and happiness of a long-time productive employee isn't a good employer IMO. You are in a unique position in that you don't have children to support or a mortgage or any of the usual "stuff" that forces people to stay in an unhappy job situation. Think about your overall quality of life - would downsizing and making less money ultimately make you less happy than you are now? Would working less hours at a less stressful job make you happier - even if there was less money? I've done it - gone from a big job with the largest salary I've ever made and am ever likely to make and a big house in the suburbs with long hours, stress and a long commute. To living in an apartment and making significantly less money, with way less stress. I was so much happier overall. But that's just me.

I know your Dad is a complicating issue here but you are already planning to leave this job to join the NYPD. Leaving it earlier than planned to achieve your goal is something your Dad will have to accept if that's what you truly want.

All just food for thought....I know I have a different view about "work" than many people but I also know you're smart and resourceful and you will find a way to pay the bills while also working to achieve your long-term goals.

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jan 31, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

around 2250....2300.

weights and walking.


Happy weekend :)

breakfast 400 oatmeal, nut butter, almond milk, canned pumpkin, stevia

snack: 400 protein shake of two scoops protein, milk, 1/2 banana

lunch around 700 chicken sausage, sautéed cabbage and other veggies, some of it in a wrap, small orange, some leftover grape kombucha

1500, good.

biscottibody59 on 01/31/2015:
Have a great day--good to see you're doing well!

thinnside40 on 01/31/2015:
Good weekend wishes!

puddles on 01/31/2015:
Sounds good have a great weekend.

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