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horn_of_plenty - Thursday Mar 03, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

1497 cal per day = 6day average. VERY GOOD.


Thankful Thursday (I could say this from now till the end of time). Thankful that my boss likes me & supports me. I had a rough morning to the point of a fast cry in the car to let out steam. I am very stressed. Called my psych therapist and dr to see if I can get something stronger to help me through this month. I feel like I need to be superhuman to be able to continue with the gym & work like this till the 28st of March. 

I’m going to take off Friday the 25th as well before this wedding. Yes, totally taking off an extra Friday leading into the wedding week. As well as the 28th Monday thru Friday the following week. 6 days OFF. Last time I even took a week was ALMOST SIX MONTHS ago Feels like longer – that’s how I KNOW I am stressed out. So “F” everyone and thing. I’m doing what I NEED TO FOR MY OWN HEALTH! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME EXCEPT ME. THAT’S FREAKING LIFE. IT SOMETIMES IS FRUSTRATING. ANYONE ON HERE THAT’S GETTING STRESSED READING THIS, I’M NOT VERY SORRY. THIS IS MY DIARY AND MY LIFE I’M WRITING ABOUT. I’M HERE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I COULD USE IT NOW.
I will use my tax returns to pay myself what I would have been paid the 6 days I’m not being paid. Instead of saving that portion of my tax return, I’ll take out around $700 to account for the 6 days unpaid from work. That’s all. Last year, my tax return was around $3,500.- I expect the same this year, if not MORE. I worked less overtime this year, so, I made actually $10,000 less on my W4 FOR 2015 - it shows.
And this following year for 2016 taxes, if I don’t get a raise, I’ll make a full $14,000 less. Talk about frustrations! That’s why I need to not even stress….and realize…hey!, I’m joining the academy. No money problems then. Even after 3 years as a cop, I’ll make close to 60k. so. Yeah.
NYPD. …Money problems SOLVED. So instead of letting the stress fully get to me, I need to breathe, be happy, and proud that my health is improving. YES. IT. IS. !!!!!!!!!!!
6:30AM: Selzter with stevia, 3 cups kombucha 100. Need to buy more kombucha after work before gym…will buy enough to have for next week as well. I’m too busy right now.
10am BREAKFAST – easy today boss had me busy and I thank him even for that – banana 120, more coffee no nothing in it besides sweet and low, bulletproof chocolate bar 180
400 before lunch.thinking like I’m superwoman – the only way I’m going to get by. Hey, I only have THREE weeks till I have a week off.GOOD. whatever. Who gives.
1pm lunch:

400 before lunch.thinking like I’m superwoman – the only way I’m going to get by. Hey, I only have THREE weeks till I have a week off.GOOD. whatever. Who gives. 1pm lunch: lots of sautéed veggies 350 with a bag of shredded lettuce 20 and most of a nasty veggie burger thank gosh only 2 left 80. Total here: 450 at most prob. 850…awesome Snacking before gym: big apple 100, granola bar 100, energy drink 50 at most 250 1100…

total today: 1500 = perfecto.

workout = was amazing.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 03/03/2016:
Dang Girl! Remember you can only live one day at a time. I know you have plans and dream. But remember you can't do any of those things if you kill yourself in the process. Glad your boss is cool about you. You are right though, regardless of how you work, and if you are there or not, that place will survive. I learned in my life, no one is indispensable! Try to enjoy the rest of your day. Go beat the hell out of a bag at the gym to help with your frustration.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/03/2016:
Thank you for understanding me to the "T." Everything you said, I feel & that is what the gym does for me. Exactly.

Awesome50 on 03/03/2016:
Don't apologize for what you are writing. We're here to listen. Hope your day gets better!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/03/2016:
Thanks Awesome :) thanks for lending me your ear & support. Sending you some support as well...must get back to my commenting tomorrow evening !

hollybelle on 03/03/2016:
You are right - just breathe. You have worked this out - now just rest easy in the knowledge that you got this. A wedding, no matter how joyous an occasion is stressful on family. Hang in there HOP!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/04/2016:
Thanks Holly...thanks for the advice, support, and tips regarding weddings & family.

grannyannie on 03/04/2016:
Hang in there. You'll do fine. Don't stress yourself. I know easier said than done. But you can do it.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/05/2016:
Thank you Annie xoxo

Donkey on 03/05/2016:
I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to have the time to post, but I read this earlier and wanted to say that I support your goals for yourself 110%! I feel like I could have written this -- or maybe more like, I would have wanted to write this for myself too. You go get 'em! Don't let anything stop you. This is your time.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/05/2016:
Thank you so much for your support and for thinking of me enough to comment back on this entry. It's true that I could use everyone's support here. I am forever thankful for this site as a place to vent and hear other's views of both our situations as well as yours - and everyone's views of the world. DD is a special place and I am forever thankful for people like you that I have met here & even get to have a connection with on other media support sites like FB. I'm so thankful to have you as a friend J. You have motivated me just now to keep going. Stay strong. xoxo

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Mar 02, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Working It Wednesday….ohhh, how I miss that lady on here! Are you still here, WorkingIt?

6:30am: Kombucha 70, Aminos 30
8:30am: coffee 50, banana & fish oil 130, yogurt 100: 280
Snack: Bulletproof high fat & moderate protein bar 200 at most
1pm Healthy lunch: lettuce 10, veggies steamed with a little sauce 150 I think (gotta check the frozen package..), white meat chicken ½ breast with some skin 200 or so. Total here: around 350.
snacking before dinner: one candy 20 on drive home, strawberries 50, and some veggies 30. around 100
bigger dinner: sautéed jumbo shrimp and scallops...and veggies...in sauce. filling. around 550 at most.
around 1600 at most.
5-day total avg: 1496/day! awesome.
weight is not coming off quickly. ... wedding in just UNDER one month! 4/2! wahoo!
i'm still averaging between 117-118 most days on scale...only after a very light cal evening, low volume, do I see 116 on the scale.
ohhh, how the rumors go around in an office. ... ugh ugh ugh. time to talk less, work more.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

puddles on 03/02/2016:
Have a great day J.

grannyannie on 03/03/2016:
Looks like you've been doing well.

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Mar 01, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Totally Tuesday!

6:30am: kombucha new flavor of carrot/ginger/orange...was very nice! 70, some seltzer with stevia leftover sitting out from the night before lol
8:30am: coffee yogurt 120, banana 120, oil pill 10
9:30am coffee 50 , maybe a bar later 200 at most=250
1pm Nice Healthy Lunch: leftover from last week sautéed snow pea leaves, microwaved lettuce, eggplant veggie burger with some protein in it around 400 total
Before gym: strawberries 100, caffeine 40, bar 100.
After gym: oatmeal raisin high carb high protein cookie 400
around 1650. good week for me, this first week of March.
4-day average: 1470/day. very good.
Life is VERY busy right now. I even forgot a water today so bought an expensive one from the vending machine. Yesterday I forgot to bring any protein for lunch. Being forgetful bc I have a lot going on right now. but overall, life is ok.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 03/01/2016:
We all need to slow down and enjoy the ride. Have a great day, HP.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
GREAT advice OR, GREAT advice :)

Awesome50 on 03/01/2016:
Have a good day ...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
you too!

puddles on 03/01/2016:
take a breath and take time to smell the rose J.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
I will...and I am. It's just a very busy last month before the wedding.

cybermom4 on 03/01/2016:
HOP - you are only 1 lb away from your goal!!!! You are awesome!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
It does fluctuate a little...day to day :) but yeah, i'm happy.

horn_of_plenty - Monday Feb 29, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Approx 1410 - 3-day average nice!

Moods Monday (not really moody, just have my usual moods!)

6:00am: kombucha , also seltzer with aminos 100.
8:30am: coffee, banana: 200.
10:30am / 11am: bar 220
1pm lunch: forgot my meat I just realized, darn..maybe order with my boss not sure now…darn!! I only brought vegetables. Ugh…actually, might be ok, I’m leaving early at 3:30 for a dr appt that is an hour away. Ended up getting chicken breast deli meat. .33lb from coworker who bought it for me since I didn’t go out for lunch. averaging it at 250 cal at most…plus vegetables that were gross and full of grease on my microwaved lettuce…at most 250. Total around 500 I think.
Around 1050 so far, good, probably less though.

Evening: Apple, seltzer with stevia, strawberries 100, yogurt 100, seltzer with stevia. 350 at most. 1400 yay. 20 min walk.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/29/2016:
Have a great day J.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
Thank you F! :)

hollybelle on 02/29/2016:
Hope the rest of your day went well!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2016:
It was, real busy!

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Feb 28, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

So Miami - cancelled (i'm ok with this!)

Justin Beiber - sold out, and the resale tickets are WAY to jacked up in price. Oh well...i'll have to find other things to do this summer (AND CHEAPER!) I am upset we couldn't get tickets because it was ME that really wanted to do this activity. but, i'll save $200. You see though, sometimes it's money well-spend when you are really excited about & enjoy....i'll find other things.


2 day avg- 1410/day!

So Miami. Now the trip is iffy in my mind. After doing research with my friend Jen...I know it will cost us each over $1,000.- for the weekend based on what we wanted. 3 nights. at a 4 star hotel. It can be MUCH cheaper if we stay in a crap hotel which I may just go along with...but...at first she had asked me to go mid-april around the 15th but then she changed the date to 2nd weekend of April which is right after the wedding, which I don't like very much at all. I'm busy still dealing with wedding sh*t and hardly have time for anything else. Also, I am taking days off before the wedding & makes NO SENSE to go away right after it...I'm thinking that I was being too indulgent wanting to go...and based on the research, I am not so sure I do. As for Justin Beiber - yes - I want to go even if $200 a ticket, way cheaper than this Miami trip. it's just way too much money to spend partying. It makes me sick thinking about it - but also upsetting i'm not doing anything....but I can do fun things AROUND here. so...I just need to do more....HERE. I just can't throw my money away that I SHOULD BE SAVING. What's the purpose of not being able to save & then blowing my tax refund on a trip....can't do it.

And the other half is that i'll be using vacation days right after taking days off at end of March (without pay since I used them up & they start again in April) before the wedding. Just seems NOT RIGHT to take more time off. Can't do it.

8am: Kombucha 60. (2 cups)

9:00am: big protein pancake: oats 80, egg whites 90, chocolate vegan protein powder 90, stevia, sf jelly 30, chocolate peanut butter 100. total here: 390.

 snacking: drink 40, granola bar 100.

3pm: late lunch / early dinner: healthy. 1/2 chicken breast with skin 200 & brussel sprouts in butter sauce 150. good. 350.

gym after...may read a little before gym too :)

Plans today got TOTALLY SWITCHED AROUND. its ok. my mom texted me at 8am that I should make an appointment to have a dress fitting so I met here there at 12:15. Turns out the dress was the WRONG size. so they ordered a size smaller and I will need to go back NEXT week to try it on....again....for a fitting with the right size dress. it's good we went today...!

after I went for the fitting, I drove home. quickly picked up a chicken & just a few small groceries. didn't want to spend a lot this week & i'm not :)


After workout protein cookie high carbs and protein. 400 Total today - 1400 I'll say. Freaking excellent.


Also, I had another eye-opening experience into other people's lives yesterday when I went over my friend's house in Ozone Park and saw how she lives (and learned she HAS A DAUGHTER! that I didn't know previously about...although I've been friends with Jen for over 2 years at work...)...I may write more about it later. But she was 16 when she had her daughter. Now she's 28, her daughter is 11. Her mom (daugher's grandma) is officially the guardian. They all live together, along with many other people renting rooms in the house.

It's too fresh in my mind to write now to really find the right words. Jen is still my friend & I think the same of her. But...in order to be a cop in NYPD, I am doing exactly what I need & seeing things that are going to help me. help me see the world as it really is...which is far from the Long Island, NY bubble I grew up in. The world is a tough, tough place.

Sorry if I offended anyone here.


Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Feb 27, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

10pm Evening Edit:

I am thankful for all my parents have given me. that's all :)

Late Lunch: TONS of veggies with some dressing 200?, an egg 100, avocado 200. Total here at most 500.

Light Dinner (may have popcorn): yogurt 100, bar, 220, veggies 100. 420.

Total so far today: 1270. not really satisfied though...I think popcorn. 150

total: 1420. very good!


Happy Saturday Morning!

10am: kombucha 70

Noon light snacking: couple fat free mouse yogurts 200, strawberries 50., some of a caffeine drink 30.

350...must get a move on...gotta go pick my friend up in 10 min I gotta leave...and quickly dry my hair LOL

Man, did I sleep well :) I could even sleep more, but need to get up. I think I slept at least 10 hours. Yes, took a strong sleeping pill before bed. Lately, with all the gym training i'm doing & all, it seems I am needing the extra sleep.  I'm trying not to take the pills every night, but a majority of nights I do. The sleeping pills have been a GREAT help this past week - yes, I do struggle a little feeling tired at work in the morning - but, I felt far better come Friday. I still had some energy left in me. This is majorly important right now!

Going to drop of a few clothes at dry cleaners this morning. Next, i'll be picking up my friend Jen at 1pm & we're going to a pawn shop to check the price of some jewelry. After that, she's coming back to my place so that we can plan our Miami weekend trip for mid-April & also so we can buy Justin Beiber tickets for summer! Yay. This is the first weekend i'm doing things that don't include staying home bc of a storm or going to my parents for wedding stuff. First weekend in around 2 months that i'm doing something different and with a friend. Awesome.

Later on, based on how successful we are with the trip planning, we're going out for drinks & dinner either close by or if we plan the trip faster, out to a mall to a Japanese Hibachi restaurant.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 02/27/2016:
Enjoy your weekend,HOP! Trip planning is fun! Going on the trip - even better!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/27/2016:
Thank you H...I haven't been on a real trip in...YEARS....literally last time I went on a real "trip" besides an overnight rafting trip in summer for one night last summer, was a cruise I went on all the way back in 2012! happy for this fun, weekend adventure and it might actually be the weekend right after my sister's wedding! wowzers.

innerpeace on 02/27/2016:
Love, love love Justin Bieber! I had planned on taking the little girl but because of the night it falls on I didn't want to risk getting her tickets and then her mom not letting her go! Enjoy your evening, its been a long time since you've relaxed and had a good time.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/27/2016:
Her mom has got to let her go! Justin Beiber has such great music...and if you are buying tickets, man - they aren't exactly cheap...I think little girl would LOVE it.

horn_of_plenty - Friday Feb 26, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Freaky Friday !

 I can’t wait to get my freak on!!!...which actually just means relaxing & having a great time on Saturday night with my friend Jen drinks before Dinner then Dinner…we also are planning our Miami weekend trip (4/15/16) this weekend!
6:30am: kombucha 2 cups 70, seltzer (2 cups) with fruit punch flavored amino acids 30. 100 total.
8:30am at work: coffee 50
10am: banana 150.
11am: Oh Yeah! – my new fave – bar. White Chocolate Raspberry.210.
500… Nice &
1pm Lunch: lettuce (20) that I’ll warm in microwave, with heavily sautéed peppers & onions, and leftover large scallops as well 100 from home. Total around 550?.
5pm snacking on way home / errands: chocolate 70, 2 crackers 30. 100. and a sf cola 0.
7pm dinner: kale salad around 150?, other veggies 50, bag of shredded lettuce in microwave 20, with more sautéed peppers and onions 200?, dessert of a mousse yogurt 100, seltzer with stevia during night :)

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 02/26/2016:
Yes, Miami.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/26/2016:
yes...Mid April :) South Beach to PARTAYYYYY!

OhioRaven on 02/26/2016:
Have a Healthy Freakin' Day.

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Feb 25, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

 Thirsty Thursday  (thinking about the alcoholic beverage (1 or 2!) I’ll be having Saturday night when I go out with my friend Jen before dinner!)

6:30am: kombucha 2 cups 70, seltzer (2 cups) with fruit punch flavored amino acids 30. 100 total.
8:30am at work: chocolate sunflower butter bar 150, coffee 50 200.
10:30am / 11am: 400 if I have the oatmeal which I need to have bc it’s healthy with the banana, peanut butter, and oatmeal  / coconut mix.
700 – fine. Need to try to be healthier today.
1pm Lunch: lettuce (not counting) that I’ll warm in microwave, with leftover pea leaves (a Chinese item which is the leaves of the snow pea plant) sautéed 300?, and chick peas 100. Total around 400.
Before gym: caffeine 40, bar 130, large apple 100: around 350.
After gym: maybe the bar that has low sugars 250 And maybe aminos. 20.

1700 today. Workout was amazing. Everything is good.

1860 6-day average very nice.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/25/2016:
Have a great day J.

hollybelle on 02/26/2016:
Yes, HOP, I have to STOP purchasing foods that are counter productive! For me it's sweets and not so much chips and stuff. If it's not around it's no problem. I can't believe what I have been buying and what I have been eating! Stuff I would never have eaten in the past has become routine. I can turn it around though. I am not feeling so powerless now.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/26/2016:
Yeah, I was in a BAD chip habit & thinking "oh, it's just some healthy fat & carbs"...just chips. yeah, what a waste.

...the body doesn't need the chips despite the crazy phase I was in for MANY months buying them. dumb move for me. it's so much better without them in my apt. I am eating healthier again - and even I am reviewing what i'm buying & making it EVEN EASIER to make good choices at home with less crap around to choose from!

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Feb 24, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Around 1800 today at most. 1890 5-day average.

15 min stairclimbing in apt. Bc it's been raining and I hadn't exercised at all doing any walking and was getting antsy.

Wicked Wednesday.  :)

Been taking sleeping pills regularly to go to sleep & yes I am sleeping more since Sunday night. But I am not sure on the quality & I am also sorta waking up tired because sleeping pills in general require like 12 hours of rest /not being fully awake so that’s why I try to take them 12 hours before I need to wake up. Trust me, I need the pills right now because they are helping me sleep, rest & not get sick again this winter. I will try to stop with them when I can but this week, I’m focusing on my rest. Also, sleeping pills seem to have a “downer” effect on me. Can anyone relate? Is it normal for sleeping pills to depress a person? They make me feel very tired. Actually tonight, I may not take them as I feel pretty exhausted right now at 9:11am at work. Maybe best to take a night or so off…uh huh…it’s like by taking them a few nights in a row, they have a cumulative effect on my body…and I end up getting really tired in the daytime at work despite a TON of sleep…
6am at home: Kombucha 70.
8:30-10:30: coffee with milk 50, bar 150
10:30 or 11am: oatmeal mix that actually has coconut in it with ½ cup almond milk 180, banana 120, whipped peanut butter 100: 400. Bar 130.
1pm Lunch healthy: dark meat chicken with skin (thigh & drumstick from a small rotisserie I have in my fridge to last me the week), maybe some shredded lettuce I have at work that I’d heat up & put in the soup as added volume & fiber, and tomato broth based vegetable soup with tons of veggies, lil potato, cabbage & other veggies (2 cups soup). For the chicken alone, it’s around 500 cals. And around 150 for the soup part. Up to 650. I may not eat all the chicken obviously, will decide later.
Lately I think I’m not having enough protein at all because my breakfasts are mostly oatmeal, drinks in the morning are carbs, and last couple weeks I was having a lot of low protein tofu (small amounts and only like 7g per serving is not much…) and lots of granola bars & similar items before gym…need to up the quality of protein I eat I am thinking, especially as I lift weights…
Total so far: 1050 if I eat all the chicken. Less if I don’t. either way, it’s healthy.
4:30pm/5pm ride home: strawberries 50
1100....probably less chicken at lunch? cannot eat much lower this week, relaxing with calories right now. i'm trying to de-stress my body..
Planning on takeout chinese tonight – shrimp & scallops with vegetables in a light sauce. Maybe with added shirataki noodles.
Whipped peanut butter:  The JIF brand - you can eat a slightly bigger volume bc it’s whipped! – this stuff is cool. I was buying the flavored  varieties like caramel and chocolate but plan to only buy the original plain peanut butter flavor when I use up the chocolate pb & caramel pb bc the flavors have a little added sugar and less protein and are not that great really. Turns out they have slightly high sugar for my liking & I realize I like the plain whipped better…but not enough to throw the flavored pb’s out.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

thinkpositive on 02/25/2016:
I know what you mean about the sleeping pills- they can really ruin the day. Agree- take a night off.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2016:
I ended taking a more natural one (melatonin from the vitamin isle)...which I am glad I did despite my preference not to...LOL...because we had a very loud storm & I would have been up all night...just woke up 2x & was so tired it was pretty easy to fall back to sleep despite the loud noise....but sleeping pills...oh boy.

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Feb 23, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

(Weighed myself on wed morning after light eating the night before & happy to say - I am still right at 116). Anything is possible...but this week, i'm relaxing & same with next week. I need to have some fun with friends these next few weekends & enjoy myself a bit...too much stressing with wedding the past couple months so now it's about enjoying my weekends with friends!__________________________________________________________

1915 4-day average.

Terrible Tues…just feeling down about my life & trying to maintain positivity that things all work out when we stay focussed…but also the importance of having fun with friends which is what I’m going to do on Saturday night (bar & dinner)

6am: 2 cups kombucha 70
8am-11am: coffee 50, oatmeal with coconut flake mix with almond milk & banana 300, peanut butter also 100. Total here: 450.
11am: Small protein bar 130
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300 at most.  550.
Snack before gym: strawberries, fiber one trail mix bar, and caffeine with a lil sugar: 250
After workout: sleeping pill and 300 cal protein bar in car.
total today: 1750, excellent.
I am here at work, that’s good, but really struggling with maintaining an even keel. Yes, I am still proud of myself in how far I have come, but at the same time I am struggling with being happy now as I am TIRED, not rested, not stretching enough, not having enough of a break from my current job, and not satisfied with the fact that I have to get from now till 4/1 without any paid days off or vacations and the fact that I will take the days anyways.
The fact that I will end up using some of my tax return to pay for my days off now probably. The fact that things right now are not really how I’d like them to be. My car bumper that I cheaply fixed in September somehow got a small but deep scratch at the cleaners this past Sunday & now I cannot afford again to fix it. Maybe later on I’ll order some paint & fix it myself since it’s a very small scratch. 
It’s annoying how I don’t have any money to travel, (I will say my extra money goes to food indulgences which I have previously said I am not changing because I want it this way and don’t prefer to adjust my food spending no matter what anyone says).  
But, once in a while everything comes to a stop and I feel it & the pain that I try to forget about,  I have no choice but to face the music – and the music is depressing right now. No money for traveling for at least the next few years (unless I spend savings), no money for a new car for at least the next several years (unless I blow my savings), no money for much new clothing – most of the time I will have to go with what I already own, luckily money for going out minimally which is good enough right now (planning a fun one-night trip to AC for early summer with a good friend / coworker yay – and other friend isn’t invited since I will not invite someone who says she doesn’t like my other friend and I have to deal with that garbage being with both of them at the same time – so I’ll just go with one – even if that one decides to bring her boyfriend, I don’t care & I’ll get my own hotel room & will be even happier! To do whatever the F*CK I please. You would feel this way too…if for TWO MONTHS of this winter you were only doing things to prepare for your sister’s wedding & putting your entire weekend plans on the side to spend only with family or by yourself. You would feel this way if supposedly you are single & free – and feel so shackled done & not free. You’d feel how I feel if the one guy you like is as slow as anything to open up to you. You’d feel how I feel when you are angry that you still are in your current job due to an injury & slow to heal body & mind which is tough when I want to free myself and move onto the NYPD.
You’d feel how I feel if you felt completely stuck right now with your job & life…and still the slight uncertainty when I will be ready for the change. You’d feel how I feel when any sudden activity that requires some extra walking gets my body totally sore the next couple days. When it’s a struggle to improve my fitness bc my desk job is 8 hours per day plus 1/2hr lunch on top of that all sitting except for 2 weeks vaca and 5 sick days a year not enough. And I don’t need to be told that other people have it worse no I do NOT…because this doesn’t work at ALL for me. This job, this life, this lack of freedom, this PUNISHMENT I GAVE MYSELF because I left teaching on my own & I chose to take the job my father helped me get….I did this to myself….and now I face the PUNISHMENT. Nothing has changed for me really financially-wise since I got this job slightly over 5 years ago.
If I were to quit this job, I’d be in a similar financial state to how I was 5 years ago. I don’t have so much more savings since moving out of my parent’s house, I haven’t been able to save much more as my income is low at $46k in NYC. I thank god for being able to be free & out of their home – have more freedom especially weekends – only bc I am basically in a rent-fixed place. Rent for me is 1,000k per month in Queens. In the city (Manhattan), a 1-bed is AT LEAST $2500 and that would be for something probably with bugs & garbage. Most 1-beds in city are prob at least $3,000.- So, as you can see, I have a deal for $1k/monthly rent. If I didn’t have my deal, I couldn’t afford to live out of my parents’ house without having MULTIPLE roommates. At 33, I’m thankful for my independence & freedom – which came with my parents’ help.
I’m just sick of the help. Sick of the financial INSECURITY. Sick of my life as it is. But cannot go anywhere until I decide that my mind & more importantly MY BODY is strong enough for the NYPD. I have to make sure my ankle gives me no pain & that I am ready to jog daily in this academy or I will not be able to do it – and that is obviously not an option as it is my career after leaving this job & I must be able to do it. Case Closed. I’m not giving up. It’s just a BIG struggle right now to bear with this **** JOB AND **** LIFE for at least 1 more year…and hope that my company stays above water and doesn’t close & pray nothing else changes so that I can continue to forge toward my next career without any other major obstacles. It’s messy…mostly a mess in my mind right now.
A struggle since Saturday to maintain my composure. I’m tired, drained emotionally & physically & just want some time off which isn’t coming or which is coming but I will have to pay out of my own pocket for that time. It all just sucks right now.
In order to make it suck less, I’m making plans with friends on the weekend & trying to get out of my funk.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 02/23/2016:
Stay strong girlie! You never know how much you inspire and help people on here. Life is tough for the working class people. Buy a lottery ticket and be hopeful. Think of all the things you have accomplished and all the plans you have, the freedom you speak of is...priceless!

I totally understand about $$ and travel and clothes and bills, we all have it.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/23/2016:
Thanks for the sympathy :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2016:
and reminder that there's a whole lotta folks in my boat...unfortunately for us all!

OhioRaven on 02/23/2016:
Have a nice day, HP.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/23/2016:
Lol. ty OR.

puddles on 02/23/2016:
Stay positive, stay in the present - the future always has a way of working itself out just the way it is suppose to turn out. Worrying was only invented to drive ourselves crazy. It is a little bit like doing the what ifs situations. Have a great day and believe you are having a great day J.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/24/2016:
Thank you F...you are right & I appreciate your advice. Sometimes I get so down, especially when emotions and hormones (being overtired too), and I get caught up in myself.

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