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horn_of_plenty - Sunday Jan 25, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0


Plan: get some new shirts at old navy since I could use a few long sleeve shirts different from the usual ones I wear week to week at work ;), some food shopping (at two different places, one in morning & one in afternoon), maybe get nails done, and maybe walk at pool for around 20 minutes. the second two activities are not a must for today.  I just realized, the pool is right near old navy....so...I might as well go to the pool afterwards...but then again, i'm not feeling it. NO POOL today.

7:30am Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon, strawberries, nut butter: around 500.

10:00am snack: protein bar and decaf coffee with stevia around 200.

11:30am snack: Nature Valley granola bar package of the 2 bars 200 (before pool & it was a perfect snack for it...i was happy & energized there).  Lately, i allow myself more carbs - especially before / after workouts and i feel better. there might be a connection here. i know in general that carbs do have that effect on people.

1:30pm Lunch: turkey burger around 100 very small, on a wrap 100, with lots of roasted cabbage 250.  around 500 i'd say. excellent.

1400 so far, great.  i am doing good these days. ever since adding a bit more exercise into my days, even walking, it's been easier on the diet end (aside from my 1st week or so back to exercise when i wasn't fully there...mentally...)

 Around 2250 today.2400 today is prob more like it.

YES, I DID GO TO THE POOL :)  ended up starting with the breaststroke slow and also some walking / jogging in shallow end.  Legs were giving me all sorts of phantom pain - less, but similar to what i used to get. close to the 20 minute mark i decided i did enough for the day and left a tad bit early purposely, rather than forcing it till 12:30 on the dot. was fun at the pool. change of pace. and it's nice we are having a bit warmer weather than usual here in NYC.  S

oon enough though, we are going to have a major storm Monday night into all day Tuesday. still, it's already close to February and we haven't had any bad storms all of December & January. amazing.  The Spring-like weather has also had a very positive effect on my overall mood and motivation towards full mental healing. everything has gone well for me today and the weekend felt longer than it really was because I've been able to be more active & got many more things done than i was beforehand.



museumgirl on 01/25/2015:
good luck shopping, hope you have a good day. :)

puddles on 01/25/2015:
Good job. Keep it up it is so good to see you in a good spirit of mind. Take care have a great day.

thinnside40 on 01/25/2015:
Sounds good... I'd like to try swimming when downsized comfortable enough to go.

museumgirl on 01/26/2015:
Glad you made it to the pool despite not really wanting to....and even had fun. Good luck with the storm ahead, stay safe and warm.

thinkpositive on 01/27/2015:
Good job with the pool and exercise!

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jan 24, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and 3 tablespoons pb: 500

snacking: two plums around 80, some light broth with turmeric 20, greek yogurt 150

750, good...was gonna get coffee and protein drink before the gym but now i'm not in the mood for those things...

planning on a great weights workout at the gym, then picking up some tasty food and probably spending the rest of the day home. tomorrow I will probably go to the mall to buy some new clothing since I have a coupon to old navy & perhaps do a little walking at the pool (but may decide to put it off - the pool).  I also wanna get my nails done & do some cooking. got the laundry out of the way this morning.

around 2350-2400. good.

exercise was REALLY good. great weights workout and ran into a neighbor at the gym from my building who I haven't seen in several months. spent extra time at the gym because I was also talking to him and some other folks. lots of fun!

puddles on 01/24/2015:
Your having a busy day - good for you - Enjoy your day.

museumgirl on 01/24/2015:
Sounds like a fun plan, have a good day.

horn_of_plenty - Friday Jan 23, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

Thank you all again.  Here's something I wrote on Facebook....to share with the world haha...about what I went thru these past two years. I figured I would share it with you all too. I hope I don't sound too crazy. but it feels good getting it all out there. putting an end to this crap.....


It was basically a very challenging 2 year journey starting with a bad case of shin splints mid February of 2013.   I am writing all this to get it out - maybe it'll help one other person out here on facebook or a friend of a friend.  It's also helping me feel better, to put an end to what was a miserable two years.

I got shin splints a month before I moved into my apartment.   It was a very stressful time with work hours, moving, and also trying to fit regular exercise in.  I was doing it all, probably to the extreme.  I was so excited to move here and walk / jog around, exploring the new neighborhood.

But that's not what happened. From mid-February 2013 thru March 2013, I was busy getting everything ready for the move, walking all around on weekends, store to store, my legs already in pain.   

I was already in pain a full month.  I wasn't resting them as I thought I just pulled a muscle. I continued to run on my legs for that month even though something was definitely wrong.  Not an athlete growing up, I was practicing the "train thru pain," "no pain no gain," "warrior" approach....not smart in the least. 

I ran till I couldn't run.  I walked till I couldn't walk much.  I cycled till I couldn't cycle. After about one month in my new place, April 2013, I couldn't do anything physical at all.  I went to an orthopedist who simply said to stay off them.... 

Well, how would I park & walk the few blocks to work??  Would I really have to be so desperate and lazy to park in the crowded work lot? Really? No more extra errands? Not even a 10 minute walk?.... You got that right, I didn't full out comply with this doctor's orders.  I didn't believe him when he stressed how dire the situation was - how I should NOT do any extra walking beyond the absolute minimum.  That i'd need surgery down the road - if I didn't listen.

 I wasn't taking off any days of work to rest my legs either. I was definitely trying my best to manage with the shin splints, still do some upper body weights workouts, get everything done.

After about a week or two of disobeying the doctor's orders for rest, my legs finally fully gave out.  The pain was unrelenting.  I was never in pain from anything (not even from having my wisdom teeth removed or the time I broke my ankle skiing) that compared to the horrible pain my legs were giving me.  It was so bad, an enormous pain like sharp glass, like my tibias would break if I walked at all.  It was still April 2013.  And it happened after another weekend of thinking I could do just about everything.

Sunday came and I stayed home all day. Crawling like a baby around this place because I couldn't put the pressure on my shins.  I know it sounds crazy, but the pain was too much for me. 

Sunday, crawling around...Monday my dad gives me my grandmother's wheelchair and I stay home from work.  Tuesday I go to another orthopedist that I was able to get a last minute appointment for...this dr recommended phys therapy....I ended up with a horrible 1st physical therapist. Only heat and massage, not much in terms of strengthening and stretching exercises. But I kept on with him because he was so close to my place and overall it was a rough time - so it felt like it was helping....and I was just thankful for that.

I even joined a pool, to learn to swim, to I could stay active even though I probably should have rested my body, completely, more early on.  My legs did hurt a bit when learning all over again the freestyle stroke, backstroke, and the rest....

lots of pain....trying to push thru that summer  2013 to walk on the beach with my friend Christine....pushing thru to walk around the city with friends....always pushing thru. walking laps around nearby Queens College outdoor track when I thought i'd healed enough.

Fast forward....thru many months of physical therapy (7 months or so) at a great place, with a very supportive staff.  It was my physical therapist who, close to the summer of 2014, suggested I take a break from everything for two weeks. I REFUSED.  It was summer, I wanted to enjoy it with friends and family. go to the beach, go out on weekends!  So I kept walking throughout summer.  I wasn't sitting home during the summer....and then my birthday passed....it was time to stop everything physical, all exercise completely, take a BREAK.  Went apple picking later September, that was the last straw.

I finally took a break starting October 2014. and took a break all the way through January 2015. Three months. RESTING. RELAXING.

....I am not sure when the pain really ended and I was healed in my legs. 

What I do know is that anyone that suffers an injury bad enough, when it impacts their lives just enough, can also lead to undesired effects psychologically.

I know I am not crazy :)  But can be pretty wacky at times...!!! :)  But that's another subject unrelated to this particular story.

I will NEVER KNOW when my legs healed and the CHRONIC pain began.  I'll never know because there was no difference in the type of pain I felt.  There's tons of literature out there and that's what I plan on reading about in the next few months.  Something to delve into, to learn more about now that I've realized this is what happened to me. It was a friend, more like just an acquaintance, of mine I know thru nutrition and fitness that pointed it out just this past Sunday.

Friends and family were always telling me i'd get better, but I didn't think they understood just how miserable I was feeling.  My dad always said not to worry, that I would get better.  It took someone that I wasn't as close with.  Someone who could look at my situation in from an unbiased perspective. On Sunday, she said I should think about the mind-body connection.  But that i'd have to be VERY openminded.  She said there was a chance she could be wrong...but she had dealt with her own chronic pain when she was my age, 30 years ago...she's 60 now.

She went on to say that she couldn't believe I was already approaching two full years for the same injury.  She suggested I read a couple books on the mind-body connection relative to physical injury by Author Dr. John Sarno.  I ordered them on Amazon this morning. 

Since Sunday evening, I have been thinking about what she said and putting it to use.  When I feel any "symptoms," any.....I hate to say it even, PAIN, I tell myself: "NO, you are healed, there is no pain." and try to knock the thoughts out of my head.  Pain and negative thoughts regarding it have been pretty ongoing, day after day, hour after hour for these past two years.  So now i'm working to stop it.  I've already had a great turnaround since Sunday evening.

I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better. I still feel stuff (which I don't even like writing here but need to), but it's just my mind shooting down whatever extra chemicals they are  (dopamine?) that's making me think I feel it.  It takes a lot of focus and courage to continue reminding myself that it's not real pain.  that I am physically healed.

So it's been a really crazy journey these past couple years and i'm so elated that I've reached this conclusion & that I can now move FOWARD.  It's hard to believe that this continued for a full two years of my life.

I am overjoyed to start walking more....and more importantly, to enjoy my life to it's fullest!

Thanks to everyone here for your support when I was at those low points, so aggravated with myself and the condition I was in.  Your kind words, encouragement, tips, and advice helped me greatly. 


biscottibody59 on 01/24/2015:
I've been enjoying reading your posts--you sound so good:-) You definitely get your feelings out into very effective "words on the page."

I appreciate your kind thoughts toward me in your entries--I kind of stepped out to leave you that comment and I'm glad it made a difference:-)

Your determination has always been remarkable, so be patient and keep taking good care of yourself!

Here's that video I mentioned before, and it's about 14 min:


ps I'm only 55--haha!

horn_of_plenty on 01/24/2015:
So I am still working to remove the thoughts as they come.. And I can't think you enough!!!! What you did for me will change my life. You are the one that helped me to move forward and overcome it!

I took a little more care in writing it bc I knew a lot of people would be reading it on the other site....and the guess at your age was randomly chosen lol sorry to add those nagging 5 years!!!! What a criminal mind I have!

Thanks for telling me to continue to take care of myself, I always need a good reminder on that front. I am prone to making poor choices at times..like dwhem I thought I could constantly do days of fasting on all my days off...

If you are ever having a bad day, I hope it will help you to think about how much you helped me! And you are a friend :) I wrote it that way only to make my point of how you were not someone I see day in and day out, immediate friends and family offline.

Thank you again, like everyone said, I am glad you are on DD's.

horn_of_plenty on 01/24/2015:
Will watch the vid shortly :)

museumgirl on 01/24/2015:
thank you for sharing your story. So happy to hear you are doing better.

Umpqua on 01/24/2015:
What a powerful and moving synopsis of everything you've been going through. It really sounds like you've gotten over a hurdle and are on the path to strength and healing.

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Jan 22, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

will reply more to all of you on the weekend....thanks for all of your support, it means more than you'd expect.  it means everything to me.

weights in morning, walk at lunch.

calories around 500-550 dinner

total cal around 2200, great!!!

puddles on 01/22/2015:
good job - have a great evening

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Jan 21, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

She (BiscottiBody) is right, I just know she is.

I know I always need to mention work and my hours, so I will. I worked almost 12 hours. 8am till just about 8pm.  I didn't know i'd be working those hours until the clock starting ticking. that is one of the things about my job that gets on my nerves.

but anyways, aside from that, I took a round a half hour walk at lunch.  I guess I can say I am blessed to have been able to do that.

I was asking god why I was being punished a few entries ago. and now I thank god for watching over me.  but then again, even considering all things more powerful than my own body and mind, in the end, and many times, it is truly how we think about life, how we manifest it in our hearts and minds, that leads us down the paths we take in life. 

I did get very angry when I left work today. (I kept a positive and optimistic outlook even till the late hours while at work). but while walking to my car, I saw my mom texted me.  I owe her money for car insurance (yes, i'm on their plan and it's cheaper to do it that way...). but I don't receive the bill and didn't know how much to pay. so she sent me a whole text about what happens when people don't pay car insurance and all that nonsense. she could have just told me how much...and not gone long-winded on me.  I had lost my patience and started to scream into the phone how I just got out of work and that I wasn't in the mood for the nonsense.  My mom has a way of getting people (not only me) to their last nerves.  she doesn't have a lot of close friends (I don't either) but she also gets in major fights with close people and holds a grudge that never passes. so, that's about my mom.  lluckily, after I sceamed, I hung up and she texted me to which I didn't return the text. enough with her. i'm not here to waste my energies on stupidity all night. ....thanks for letting me get that out here.

but I noticed a few times, my legs started to hurt, instead of letting them hurt, I told myself that "no, i'm not injured anymore." "mind over matter." 

I am lucky for so many things in life.  I have more experiences than many people I know  - especially those I work with.  I have had the opportunity to play with a great youth orchestra when I was in college in the summer and go on a month-long tour of Alaska, Hawaii, western Canada (Victoria, Vancouver), Seattle, & San Francisco).  I have had the opportunity to teach BAND to HUNDREDS of students. yes, in only 3 years as a teacher, I probably taught around 500 DIFFERENT students in the private and public school systems. Oh, and all the lessons I taught privately. Sometimes i'd have more than 20 students per week, individually.

In a different group that I auditioned for, also in college, I had the honor of performing in Carnegie Hall 3 times that year with the group.  One of my good friends, although I don't see her much because she travels a lot to other countries for jobs and also lives 2 hours away I met thru that orchestra. I am still friends with her, I think she is very unique and special. I am so glad I met her & continue to stay in touch.  I see her at least once a year which sounds like nothing, but it's a lot. and I look forward to seeing more with her - because when we get together, it's for an adventure. :) it's for ACTIVE things. that's another reason I haven't met up with her as much the past couple years. but now I look forward to doing so. :)

I may have gone to college on Long Island, but I've been away from home plenty.  I was a camp counselor, also around the first or second year of college, and met friends that I definitely stay in touch with from AROUND THE WORLD.  I have "good" (I say that because we genuinely care for each other, and always hope the best and stay in touch, communicating about our life achievements and celebrations like babies and the like) in Australia, England, Whales.  That's were my 3 friends from the camp live (the international ones).  I am so lucky.

In college, I was sometimes lazy with my practicing. but still, I was able to perform a full SOLO recital for my friends.  Not sure how I did it....but I actually performed two years...not even the one.  I did stand up to the challenge.  Many times, even when I didn't see it possible, I stood up to the challenge and followed thru to the end, sometimes with flying colors and sometimes not as well as i'd liked, but I've always risen to the challenge.  I have never really failed a challenge.  Really the only thing I have failed at in the past is this: keeping motivation.  That's right.  I have a tendency to get DISCOURAGED by others. Sometimes a little too easily.

And just perhaps, when I trained to hard & felt so much pain, it left my mind even more injured than my body. And I thought it was the end.  But it's not the end. And it NEVER has been. People do reach their goals almost all the time. But you have to put not only the physical work, but the MENTAL work in!

After writing that last sentence, it just CLICKED in my head!!!!!!!

That's it, I've got it.  I just realized what's been going on all along. IT'S NOT ONLY THE PHYSICAL WORK WE DO. IT'S THE MENTAL WORK.



I do know my purpose. Passion? well, I will have it once I get to the academy. I think that's more than fair. But I know my purpose. It's to be on the street, validating the law, and helping people. And it's to be a NYC cop.

I am going to reach that dream because it's MY DREAM. it's nobody else's goal that became mine.  what I mean is, nobody told me to do it.  I chose this. And I am full out motivated till the end.

I see it no other way.

I only pray to god to give me the continued health and strength as I, myself, reach for this goal this year.

I am not writing this entry as a joke or merely to fish for comments. I writing it for myself.

and if and when I reach this goal, that I once must have believed I couldn't really achieve, I may even write an article somewhere about my experiences these past two years & how I was able to forge ahead and in the end rise above what I thought I couldn't conquer.  I thought I was very lost and hurt when really, for some of it anyway, it was in my mind.

This is how I am thinking now & I truly know it's got to be the way.

I am mustering all of my strength and courage together now so that in this year I will fulfill my own promise to myself to achieve the biggest, baddest, hardest, and MOST gratifying goal I have EVER had. and that's to become a NYC cop :)

1450 till end of workday.

1700, 1800-1850. good! half hour walk. :)

puddles on 01/21/2015:
Happy to hear you are in a better place. Have a great evening.

museumgirl on 01/22/2015:
Glad you are doing better. We all need to be thankful for what we have in our lives. No one is without regrets or disappointments, that is why we can support each other. Keep up the good work, you are never beat until you quit.

Umpqua on 01/22/2015:
I don't think anyone here thinks you're fishing for comments and I think we can all appreciate and relate to at least some of the things you're going through. It seems like you're fleshing out quite a bit of what's been going on in our life and that is SO important. I keep a journal and I do this type of thing at least once a year to make sure I've got my priorities straight. Also, looking at all of your accomplishments and achievements over the years is important to put things in perspective. It's so easy for all of us to get down on ourselves and think we're not good enough or not doing enough or whatever. But looking at the bigger picture can be a wonderful boost and show us just how far we've come. I hope today is going well for you.

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jan 20, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

I wanted to thank BiscottiBody yesterday for writing such powerful comments.  I've taken them to heart. I felt better all day today.  I stretched in the morning, went to the gym as I planned for upper body weights and a little abs.  I also took a HALF HOUR walk at lunch with the most minimal of "symptoms" and every time I felt something, I told my mind and body to stop thinking that way or I tried to concentrate on the music I was listening to.  Thank god there are people like Biscotti here, people who can share their experiences and knowledge with us.  That's what this site is about.  All of you do this - I listen to all of your comments and I am so thankful for everyone's insight.  There is not a single comment that I don't think about, take to heart, and consider.   Just wanted to say thank you, to biscotti & to all of you...don't want to start listing names and then leave anyone out ;)

I did say 2015 was a new start. and it started quite well. and it's still January. and i'm making headway, and my symptoms are diminishing.  I can't ask for more.  I can just keep doing what i'm doing.  And it feels once again really good to have made many good choices today.

Tomorrow's a new day and i'm ready for it.  I may not take a walk at lunch, we'll see.  Maybe a day off since I did it today would be better? Not sure.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Is taking another longer walk at lunch at bad idea right now? After not walking more than a few minutes lately? Anyone?

anyways, I went to the gym nice and early and it felt great to get that out of the way before work. I do carb load a bit afterwards, so that my sugars can be restored.  Otherwise, I will not feel very good at work in the morning. I'd rather eat MORE after the gym than stick to my usual pretty low carb breakfasts.

Overall, I ate very healthy foods today. two cups coffee. one regular (more like 2/3 cup.) and one decaf.

looking forward to an earlier bedtime tonight.

Feels wonderful to come home after work :)

puddles on 01/20/2015:
Glad to hear you are feeling better in body and mind. Sometimes when we are given lemons we have to learn to make lemonade. That is life and it is what we make it. Wishing you a great day again tomorrow.

thinkpositive on 01/21/2015:
So glad you've had a good day.

Umpqua on 01/21/2015:
I like this attitude a lot, I'm happy to hear you're feeling better about things. Biscotti rocks, we're so lucky to have her around this site :)

thinnside40 on 01/21/2015:

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jan 20, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

I wanted to thank BiscottiBody yesterday for writing such powerful comments.  I've taken them to heart. I felt better all day today.  I stretched in the morning, went to the gym as I planned for upper body weights and a little abs.  I also took a HALF HOUR walk at lunch with the most minimal of "symptoms" and every time I felt something, I told my mind and body to stop thinking that way or I tried to concentrate on the music I was listening to.  Thank god there are people like Biscotti here, people who can share their experiences and knowledge with us.  That's what this site is about.  All of you do this - I listen to all of your comments and I am so thankful for everyone's insight.  There is not a single comment that I don't think about, take to heart, and consider.   Just wanted to say thank you, to biscotti & to all of you...don't want to start listing names and then leave anyone out ;)

I did say 2015 was a new start. and it started quite well. and it's still January. and i'm making headway, and my symptoms are diminishing.  I can't ask for more.  I can just keep doing what i'm doing.  And it feels once again really good to have made many good choices today.

Tomorrow's a new day and i'm ready for it.  I may not take a walk at lunch, we'll see.  Maybe a day off since I did it today would be better? Not sure.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Is taking another longer walk at lunch at bad idea right now? After not walking more than a few minutes lately? Anyone?

anyways, I went to the gym nice and early and it felt great to get that out of the way before work. I do carb load a bit afterwards, so that my sugars can be restored.  Otherwise, I will not feel very good at work in the morning. I'd rather eat MORE after the gym than stick to my usual pretty low carb breakfasts.

Overall, I ate very healthy foods today. two cups coffee. one regular (more like 2/3 cup.) and one decaf.

looking forward to an earlier bedtime tonight.

Feels wonderful to come home after work :)

horn_of_plenty - Monday Jan 19, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

so today, I should "burn" around 400 cal of the excess cals I have been eating.  that's good.

I did eat a snack today. no calories burned, but food was tasty!? including extra 650 in pure desserts from Burger King. and later, some frozen yogurt 300...and then hard core mac and cheese. like at least 1000? total: 2000 extra.

I don't know anymore. maybe fasting isn't the way to go.  I am freakin scared that I am not going to recover....why me!? lately I feel more in pain...and i'm not even doing any physical activity! what the hel* is going on!  really, I can't take it much longer.  I am trying to be so positive, proactive, hence the rest of my entry below. but as I sit here full of crappy food and feeling bloated and fat, and unable to go outside for a walk because it will only bother my legs more...I cannot help but think that I will NEVER be better. I don't know what to do anymore.  I am trying so hard.  Taking anti inflammatories.  Nothing is helping...............I don't want this to be the end of my life - end of a life without exercise, without good cardio, without the ability to walk around pain free.  I won't accept this....it's terrible, I won't accept this. I can't.

I am 1 month away from this problem reaching the 2-year mark....GOD, can't you see that this is NOT what I want in life!? I want to overcome this, to be more, be better....move past this.  I don't want to drop my dreams now.  Please help me.  I am begging you to hear me, to listen to my frustrations...to understand that I have suffered enough!  Please help me.  I want more than what I have now.  I need more than what I have now.  Never in my life have I been more worried about my health and abilities than I am now.  I cannot continue to live this way.

I have suffered enough.  I need your help above, please, help me heal.  Help me move past this ongoing pain, day after day, each and everyday.  I can't take it anymore.  23 months and it's enough.  I vow I will not live a life in pain.  I refuse.  I WANT to be more active.  I WANT to move.  I WANT to be something quite the opposite of what I appear to be now.  PLEASE help me.

If I cannot heal myself in this next year, you have my word, I will no longer be interested in living a life of pain.  I will not continue this way.  People suffer and there's no reason that I should have to continue to suffer life this.  Why me.  some people get sick and then get better.  why can't you help me get better?  people get cancer and they get better. I have tendonitis and it's stagnant and horrible. Nobody would even guess how much pain I have all the time. it makes no sense. it's horrible.  it's like punishment for all the times I didn't try hard enough at former jobs.  punishment for times I cheated at life.  punishment for not achieving former goals. punishment for always requiring help to move ahead in life. PUNISHMENT.

well I can't deal with this punishment anymore.  I am human just like everyone else. we all make mistakes. we are all imperfect. I accept it and don't even care to be perfect or anything close to it.  I just want to be happy and live a life free of pain.  Even at a desk job i'm in pain.  Why can't I move on now? The pain has been long enough, it's made me stronger.  But why do I have to continue in pain.  It's a new year.  can't I have a new chance? 

Pain at a desk job....it's an oxymoron really.  I tried so hard to get in shape while at my desk job for two years, that I completely hurt myself and have continuously suffered these past two years.  4 years at a desk job that I NEVER realized i'd have for this long. why me!? god please help me. please help me.   I can't take this pain much longer. 

I haven't been that impatient. in a month from now, I can't imagine being in the same place that I am in now.  I need to move forward. and maybe you're right, it's not even moving forward.  it's a change. I want this final career change.  If I can heal 90% and stay that way even, I can be a cop...and not have to worry about finances and stability like I do now.  I would love the ability to work with the public and operate in the manner that the nypd does.

god help me.  why did this process of becoming a cop and getting in shape have to get so out of hand.  so unreachable. so messed up for me.  did I really do this much wrong that I need to be punished now like this!?

just like everyone else, I yearn for balance in life.  I yearn to be able to be financially stable and independent. to not worry or ever need to depend on my parents again.  I want to be able to pay for my parents to go on a cruise one day and enjoy themselves, for all the things they gave me - i'll never be able to repay them fully, but this would a start. 

I am beyond upset over what has happened to me physically as well  as financially / carrer-wise.  I am not living the life i'd ever dreamed for myself.  at least I have a job, yes, but other than that, I didn't think I would ever be in these predicaments.  I am in a job that continuously tires me out and totally drains me.  AND I WORK OVERTIME at it, which royally aggravates me even more.  Of course i'd never dream of leaving the job, for then i'd need to get a new one.  It's comfortable in the sense that I have a job...but other than that, each day I struggle to get thru it and struggle with my thoughts how I am going to improve my physical situation when most of my time is at this same office, doing too much sitting, no breaks, a stressful environment, no privacy. it's absolute torture when I think how I could have moved on out of it this past July, been in the academy.

I even had an opportunity to teach again, this past September. but because my legs were hurting so much, in the end, I declined the interview. it would be too much for me - after so many years not doing any music, to jump right in and especially with my legs having such problems as well. even walking around a building as a teacher would be difficult.

god help me.  I was always little lost - needing direction from an outside source. but now, I am 32, my parents are getting older. they will retire in the next few years. god help me. please. before it's too late.  it's not too late, yet.  but please, I beg you, to hear me out. I want another shot.

I don't like being this lazy. I don't like the feeling of binging...and even more lately because I am home all day...please.

please help me, I pray that you will understand my point of view. that we all suffer, but it should not be continuous.  two years.  please help me. 


and then Tuesday is normal eating day.  I am going to have to approach weight loss differently it seems, in order to actually succeed. So far, I have been quite unsuccessful with all my fasting (bc it has mostly lead later on to overeating).  At the beginning of fasting, like a few months ago, it worked...but now, fasting is growing old to me...and more difficult.  not giving up, but I do need to change my system...

Right now i'm thinking about the NYPD & how it's a major goal of mine that I still see as happening.  I don't want to give up on it, at all.  I know it's not good to have a set timeline as when I think I'll be physical able to handle both the academy & the job because my body needs to  physically heal at it's own pace.  However, relatedly, I was reading something on facebook.  It was an article about the elite athletes.  Their training (of course they take ample rest, etc., ) But it also mentioned the mentality these superstars have. and it's basically this: they DO set high standards and goals for themselves, as well as timelines in order to achieve them.  As much as I am not thinking about an established timeline to achieve my goal to be in the NYPD (I have up to 3 years more than I can put it off for according to the paperwork I signed), the other side of me just wants to get the ball rolling.  I know it's not possible, but at the same time, I know that I want to think about it & not dismiss it totally from my mind.  I am eager to be a cop & believe it or not, in many ways, I KNOW deep down that I am going to be one.  I wish my legs would hurry up and heal faster lol, but patience is a virtue...

Things I am doing, in order to be healthier and happier, is rest more.  In terms of work, instead of week-long vacations, I am spreading out my vaca and sick days so that it feels like I am taking more days off...and I have more days off spread over a long time, instead of just 2 weeks all at once.  This is one of the things that I feel is going to help me recover most.  I know I need my rest (and also mental relaxation from being at work day in and day out). Sorry to babble on about work, but it obviously takes up a big chunk of time in my life.  This year I was lucky, in addition to 10 days vacation, 5 days sick, I also got an allowance for my jury duty day & 2 jewish holidays.  So 3 extra days. total of 18 days.  and of course there are also the federal / union holidays that we get.  LOL, so looking at it this way, it can add up to quite a number of days!  I just can't see myself taking a week long vacation and using up so many days right now, maybe in the summer, i'll split the 5 days and use 2-3 one week, and 2-3 another so that I have two short work weeks & two long weekends!...people seem to do that a lot where I work...

NYPD thoughts / possible long term goals:

First, I want to talk about my leg situation. The pain is definitely less, but then again I am doing relatively much less. I have not begun any cardio exercises yet.  And my job is mostly seated for long periods of time.  I don't run a ton of errands.  When I do, it seems the pain is still there to a degree. The anti inflammatories help. I have started to drink more broth made using the bones which should help and I also have started to include a little bit gelatin / collagen into my diet...to help my legs.  I still drink coffee and my diet is far from perfect, but I can say I am doing a little bit better with it.

NYPD usually has an academy class 2x per year: one in January, one in July.  If my legs never had a problem (of course I can't truly think this way anymore with the "if this, if that's...", I would have already graduated by now from the July 2014 class! The academy is 6 months, then the new class enters.  I would have already started working as a cop!

But that's not where I am at :)  So time to refocus those goals of mine:

July 2015 is out of the question, legs still need more recovery. And honestly, January 2016 may be too soon as well.  It's going to be a major challenge for me to someone regain my health (AND PHYSICAL FITNESS, especially cardiovascular) while continuing with this desk job. Desk jobs and physical fitness don't go hand in hand very well...And I am a bit unsure of how i'm going to actually succeed in reaching a higher degree of fitness. 

One thing is clear though, I no longer workout after work. BEFORE work has proven to work better. Yes, I am very tired and it's definitely hours that need getting used to, but, the luxury of being able to come home and relax and have a normal meal after work is worth exercising starting between 5am-5:45am depending when I get to the gym. Seems that it works best when I start around 5:30am. I shower & change at the gym and then usually (lately) am craving something more sugary so I eat that along with a more decent protein / fat breakfast and go to work. seems this works best. I do have quite a bit more energy, especially first half the morning when at work, and I also find myself sitting up straighter and with better posture after my workouts.

 I am going to wait a little longer, then start walking at the pool. (I am anxious about this, maybe bc I am not even sure if my bathing suits fit!?)...I am just anxious in general about cardio, especially at the pool. maybe I should buy a long-sleeved shirt on amazon (waterproof) to keep me warmer since I won't be swimming - rather walking in the 4' or so section.

I would prefer to enter the academy in Jan -16....and instead of removing that notion completely from my options, I am going to keep considering it. my leg thing might always include a bit more pain that the average person. maybe there's some irreversible damage surrounding the nerves?  Either way, I'd rather think positively that January '16 is not out of the question...?? I wish someone / something could tell me if I could manage it then or not.

Well, if Jan '16 were possible, it means i'd have to start training for it come around June. So, I will keep an open mind and see how i'm feeling in the springtime.

And well, and if not January 2016, Summer 2016....boy does that feel like a long time away from now....but it's not, only 1.5 years.  That time can fly, especially if things stay relatively the same at work.  My boss is overweight and it sometimes scares me that maybe he will not be there as long as i'd like him to be - but, for now, everything is remaining pretty much stable at work which is a good thing, not a bad one.

If I enter the academy January '16, i'll be out of work even before December begins....

If I enter the force July '16, I'll be done with work maybe even a week or two before June hits.

No way will I work up until the academy begins!  I will be both physically and mentally recharged and rested before I start that exciting chapter of my life....so, so, so excited to work in that capacity, for the NYPD....it makes my blood run faster and my heart beat stronger...knowing that one day, I will have this opportunity - so long as I continue to recover...and regain my health & fitness goals.

For those who don't know, I've completed  almost the entire application process to the NYPD, even the interview, just need to do the physical fitness test (I put my application on hold right before it) and that's it.  If I can pass that test, I would be accepted into the academy for training and into the police force. :) thinking about my dream to be a NYPD officer excites me and makes me happy. Knowing that it's not a dream that is squashed.  It may be on hold, but it's still attainable.  I need to continue to make good choices, more often that the bad ones - which tempt me.  If I got into the academy, it would be a change in lifestyle, and a second chance at life. 

Becoming an NYPD officer would make me happy...to do something I fully want to do - and no matter how challenging it may be, I am ready and willing to step it up to fulfill those obligations of an NYPD officer.

I just want to reach these dreams, I don't want it to be too late.  The possibility is still there for me....now I need to muster up more courage and strength to finally make it happen.

The company I work for has a motto "We Make it Happen!" well, I guess I can use that motto in my personal life also.

I have changed my thinking quite a bit in January and it mostly works for me.  I think more positively and it makes me feel so much better. I guess I'll just continue this way of living throughout the 2015 year.



puddles on 01/19/2015:
I wish you all the best with your goals. Don't give up the dream and have a great day.

museumgirl on 01/19/2015:
Don't give up on your goals. I know we all have to find what works for us individually, but perhaps rethinking the fasting...I have found it doesn't work for me personally. You are trying to heal your body and that does require minerals and protein, etc., besides the fact that hunger has a detrimental effect on mood etc. Not trying to tell you what do at all, just a thought. Good luck!

Umpqua on 01/19/2015:
It's good that you're reassessing your goals and I'm glad you're still dedicated to joining the academy and becoming a police officer. It never hurts to lay out a long-term plan and you have a good attitude of knowing things don't always go according to plan - we just work with what we've got and do our best to find happiness and fulfillment. That's always a challenge! It does sound like you're looking at all the individual aspects of your life and figuring out how to make them work together to achieve your goals, so important!

museumgirl on 01/19/2015:
praying you find some encouragement :(

biscottibody59 on 01/19/2015:
Put your feet up before reading:-)

Two years--wow! I suffered with a compressed low back nerve with accompanying absolutely miserable--usually impeded any kind of sleep--SCIATICA!!! for a few months before seeing a dr even. I was ultimately able to walk to distract myself from it. (I didn't know it would help as much as it did when I started the walking.) The orthopedist's assessment was simply surgery--nothing else really was going to help me in his opinion. Of course I rejected that. I was 28 and knew people who had had numerous unsuccessful back surgeries by that time.

Feel free to ignore/reject this notion, but there's more at work here than your physical being.

Yep, it's your head girlie.

You may still be injured, but the true condition you have moved onto is chronic pain. It's different than pain from an injury. They're learning more about it all the time.

I have a book on the mind/body connection from that "back pain" time--there are countless books on the subject now, but I still like reading that old one--it's life affirming really.

You're there in NYC where the cutting-edge physician in this field, John Sarno, MD is at your disposal.


You may not be ready to take the "mind-leap" it WILL take to separate the notions of "injury pain" and (IMO) chronic pain. Again, you have to take into account all the disappointment and frustration you've expressed in this entry. It's hard to just go around being satisfied with JUST WHERE I/YOU/WE ARE AT THIS MOMENT. Admirable that you can express your frustrations.

In the short-term a good night's sleep will serve you well--sometimes shocks me how well that works:-)

If I were your confidante/friend, I'd suggest that you simply concentrate on your condition and improving it. Mixing the goal of getting into the police dept is not helping with that--it's probably just making you that much more frustrated. Feeling obligated at work seems to be a running and negative thing in your life. Not having the control you need to help yourself to move forward is fraught with frustration and perhaps a little sadness.

There's an old 20/20 vid about Sarno and the people whom he's helped. One woman was wheelchair bound IIRC.

You can look at his books and the reviews from people to get a flavor of the very different concept he offers. Hey, and if you actually got to see Sarno about your condition or got a book and followed along and it didn't work for you, at least you'd know to try something else.

If you want me to find/leave a link to the 20/20 profile of his concept, just leave a line saying so below.

I feel your pain in the sense that I've been just as miserable as you've expressed here. You can get past this. You're young enough to think outside the box and get the answers you seek. Stay young--don't let this ruin your life--you have tons more of it to live.

Hang in there HoP! (Forgive me if this reply is a little scattered--I'm very passionate about this subject!)

Please abandon the notion that you're being punished--I don't think life works that way!

horn_of_plenty on 01/21/2015:
I can't thank you enough, will be purchasing the books. I plan to write more soon, but you are a lifesaver!!!! Thank you a million times!!

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Jan 18, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

Can't sleep may take a sleeping pill....got up around 4:30am and now it's almost 6am and went to bed after midnight. Sleeping pill did not work and I ended up taking care of my laundry! Nice!! Breakfast 5:45am wrap with pb and cooked cranberries 350, fiber One and bran with almond milk 180. 530. 8:45am: white chocolate macadamia nut Cliff bar. 260 calories of goodness. 800 cal. Planning to eat a lot of veggies with lunch and dinner today. (Some of the veggies I cooked along with some from the prepared food deli.. 10am brunch shirataki noodles mixed into microwave eggplant rollettes 450, some meat leftovers 150. Around 600. 1400 and finally full. Finally decided to go back to sleep from around 11am-1pm (I guess the sleeping pill did work, thankfully, bc I did want to get more than 4-5 hrs of sleep! Which now I did get - around 7-8 total) 1450, after strawberries at 1:30pm Wrap with a little beef 250, chips 130, whole avocado 300 on two wraps 200 with some potato 70. Around 950 oh and almonds 100 2600 (Tomorrow I am fasting) was gonna try cardio walking in the pool, but I don't feel up to it today. Full fat yogurt 200, a bar, peanut butter 250. 450 total. 3050 today, good, full fast tomorrow until Tuesday morning

....correction 3100 today. So tomorrow I will burn 900 cals by fasting until Tuesday morning. Wish me luck. Then gym Tuesday morning with breakfast to follow afterwards - higher carb for sure after the gym.


I do wish I had the option to do heavy cardio now...it's so much easier for me to watch and control my weight thru exercise. I do not like fasting at all.

puddles on 01/18/2015:
I also had a hard time sleeping last night. Wishing you a great day.

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jan 17, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 0.0

3:30 am pb on a wrap 350....but did actually go back to sleep for a few hours :)

8am fiber one mixed with bran and almond milk, cinnamon, stevia 180, protein bar 150. 330...

680....some kombucha 30...710

Noon lunch parsnip chips 100, wrap with potato and tuna 250...around 350

Around 1060, good.

Around 2200-2400 good

puddles on 01/17/2015:
So far so good - Have a great day.

jon'smom on 01/17/2015:
Great job!

thinnside40 on 01/17/2015:
Sleep well :)

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