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horn_of_plenty - Friday Dec 12, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

i somehow had a LOT of energy..or rather, enough energy, to get through the day after the party last night. i didn't actually go to bed that late, around 1, but woke up several times to pee throughout the night.  haha. i made sure to drink a TON of water so that i would NOT have a hangover today. and i didn't...thankfully.

class went well enough. i saw some people's eyes close throughout the day but i made sure i was NOT one of them!

i'm guessing on my weight. no scale just yet. probably no scale until around January.

calories so far: 900 with fruits, veggies, good proteins, and carbs.

dinner: apple 80, lg red pepper50,  sandwich: rye, melted cheese, yogurt, tofu 450(total 580)

dessert ice cream 1,000 (butter pecan, lots of it)

total: 2580. oh well. but i actually DIDN'T finish the entire pint of ice cream which is kinda awesome even though calories are not. haha.

although today is a tiny setback, i'm very proud of my recent progress. i will work to keep it that way! :)

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/12/2008:
Ha ~ I'm sure some would consider using the "temporarily insane" ploy when trying to rationalize eating patterns when they go awry.... I know that mine was hormonal a few days back...An excuse, but I honestly believe my sane brain cells are few when I'm the 2-7 days before TOM hits.... Every stinkin' time.... I hate getting old! The anti-depressants I'm on have helped the mood swings, but not the cravings for salt/munch/crunch/sweet/forbidden foods...

Best of weekends to you!....

loveray on 12/13/2008:
im not 100% sure yet, but let me confirm by monday. i am so glad you had a good time out. we had our company party last night and it was awesome-went out after as well and stayed out til 3a!!!!! xo

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Dec 11, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

had the best time tonight at the party. it was like a wedding - open bar and TONS of dancing. i got pretty drunk. had a blast. got driven home. need to get my car tomorrow. it was TOTALLY worth it as i don't  do anything like this all the time. i'm thankful for the 11 people in my class and their awesome personalities. what a night!

500 cal during the day. NICE.

some food, but little and FOUR drinks! whoa. so, i have no idea on calories but the drinks had to be at least 200 a piece. one chardonnay and three diet coke with malibu. haha nice and sweet and sugary.

to be on the safe side, i'll say 2,000 calories. but seriously, it prob wasn't more!

hopefully i'll not go off the deep end and binge any time soon.  i'm not bipolar but sometimes i feel as though i am when i do so well and destroy it. i'm simply doing too well - i cannot let it go! :)

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 12/12/2008:
Yay!!! I love fun parties! Glad you had a blast!! You even kept your cals low! Great job.

thinnside40 on 12/12/2008:
I feel like I have 2 totally different personalities when having a good streak, then let it go out the window at times... I have tried to figure it out numerous times, but have come to decide that most people are this way... rational/unrational.

Have a great weekend and I'm so glad that you had a happy & safe party!

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Dec 10, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

wowsa. i'm exhausted...but in a good way :)

eating has been good. partially because i'm staying busy and productive and also partially because of the fact i have a party to go to tomorrow night. but i does feel good to eat healthier. much better.

calories: about 1150-1200. many veggies, good proteins. some deli meat though. and a protein bar. but all together very good.

i went to yoga and the temperature was approx 107 degrees throughout most of the practice! whoa! it was hard! and i felt so good after.

anyways, i might study tonight but not for long. it feels good to have a few days without much studying as we don't have much work for school the rest of the week. this is because our teacher was kind and we pushed most of our work till next week since we have a party tomorrow night!


Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

selina on 12/11/2008:
Hi HoP! i'm thrilled with your downright positive entry! Have a great day!

loveray on 12/11/2008:
looks like you used your energy for good! i hope you rested well. love to you- have fun @ the party!!

Justine6Robert3 on 12/11/2008:
Sounds like your as busy as ever! You did awesome on your food choices and your calories were super low, fantastic HOP! I'm so glad to see your still here plugging away :0) Funny enough, it seems we have the exact same starting weight and goal! Keep up the great efforts and I enjoyed your positive entry, very inspiring as always! I love your dedication!

skinnyjeans on 12/11/2008:
Good job with calories! And that hot yoga class sounds intense!!

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Dec 09, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

i went to yoga. i have LOTS to study. we'll see if i can do it. had to drink some diet pepsi to get me through without falling asleep right now. not good.

calories good though. bc i'm staying busy. little time left to pig out today. 1200 approx. although i may be off by like 100 cal. pretty much healthy, some sodium though.

eh, too busy in some ways for my own health. i wish the studying days were behind me...but not so much! :(

goodnight all. sorry i can't comment more lately.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

loveray on 12/09/2008:
wow 1200 is really low! congrats. hope everything continues to go well with studying- just think, it's break time soon! take care. xo

grumpy on 12/09/2008:
Glad you went to yoga, looks like a bad day. And you're right, I am often happy and have a lot to be thankful for. My two main problems are my weight and my relationships, which I think are connected. Both are much better this year than ever have been and hopefully will be even better in 2009. I need to make an extra effort in the weight front. The distance from my family is another one, but I think that one I manage the best I can. Thanks for reminding me I have a lot to be happy about. xoxo

thinnside40 on 12/09/2008:

selina on 12/10/2008:
Fantastic entry, HoP! And thanks for your comments and suggestions, too. Hugs!

horn_of_plenty - Monday Dec 08, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

thank you all for your comments from the bottom of my heart...

breakfast, snack, lunch, snack were healthy. 800 total

dinner: not so much. one large apple, one small orange. 200 plus, some chocolate soynut butter (like peanut butter flavored with chocolate flavoring). i finished off the container that i just bought on saturday. i will not buy this again so soon! 5 tablespoons...so 500. total dinner: 700

total today: 1500...and CHOCOLATE: 1940! haha. it's under 2,000 and that's a great thing. 

i could have easily eaten only 1200 calories today with dinner for 400 instead of 700...and then 440 in chocolate after that not cool.

went to yoga and it felt good.


Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

loveray on 12/08/2008:
yay! you seem a little bit clearer today- let each day bring you the best. love to you, always!

thinnside40 on 12/09/2008:
That's better!..... : o )

skinnyjeans on 12/09/2008:
Glad you made it to yoga and cals were under 2000. Keep up the good work!

cybermom4 on 12/09/2008:
Congratulations on a very good day! :)

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Dec 07, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

do i have the motivation to succeed??? yeah.

will i use it and not get caught up in the now (the fact i'm fat so i can keep eating since i'm already fat....) yeah, i'll use that motivation.

will i see that i am ONLY 26 and i'm wasting my existance? yeah, i see it.

will i realize that i'm ruining my life by eating and acting so destructively. i do.

not sure what else it takes for me to do what is right.

plan for monday (that i will NOT change even if my lack of sleep causes me to yearn for fatty sugary foods....because sleep is something i will lack all this week due to the fact that we get tests up the whazoo in this program...)

breakfast: tofu w. bran cracker. but, this time 1/4 block (instead of 1/2 block) and 2 pcs bran. so: 120 cals.

snack: i don't have a green drink for tomorrow. so....sugary apple and....i'm going to buy milk i think. approx. 200?

LUNCH: i will BRING lunch. veggies and a teriyaki flavored tuna pack. gotta look, but i think it'll be around 250.

snack: green drink for sure. and that's it.  i know this will be hard for me...i will want more.

get reading for the gym, at home since it makes more sense. i like so close, i should come home. sadly though, this means temptations. ugh.

dinner: eggs. at least that's what i'm in the mood for now! haha. yeah, eggs with veggies and some greek yogurt. tea.

these are the tentative plans...as it seems plans are always tentative with me. i did take the time just now to plan them so i might as well give them a chance.  if i stick to eating this way, i will lose weight like i want to. its just the time. i need to let myself get into a healthy cycle and see that i can succeed again.  it will not happen right away. and if i binge, it will happen slower, or not at all if i binge like i have been.

i have a long, long way to go. i haven't weighed myself and don't plan to. i know where i need to be at and it's not worth the trivial #s of the scale right now.

please, g-d, help me get over this horrible health crisis i've put myself in. the extra weight is something i did and it would have been better if i got obsessed in going to the gym, rather than eating. i do not want my weight to control my life. i yearn to have my other life back. the one where i was IN control, confident, and admired.  the one where i looked on the outside how i felt on the inside. where people appreciated my efforts. they may still, but for some reason i had to put that in.

i don't know. i've always been lost - unable to sometimes even pinpoint what i want for myself. i am actually not depressed as i write this.

i just want to be a different person. i wish i had a different life. but i can't.  i'm in school to hopefully get a career right away after i graduate. i have a path that i'm following. there is nothing else.

i feel NO control btw. none. i don't need a psychologist...or rather i don't have any money i want to spend on one. it might be good. but i'd rather just write everything here.

anyway, no control. how would you feel to have a different job EVERY single year for FIVE years in a row! it sucks. that's why life sucks for me right now. and this year, my JOB is SCHOOL. it's not even something i'm being paid for. i am thankful, yes. but there are NO WORDS to describe the feeling of not knowing what is coming next. constant change. nothing is the same. my body, my mind, obviously is having so much trouble with this. and, for the next 2 years things will be the same. and then i will be looking for a job, AGAIN. when this program is done.

so i obviously cannot keep on gaining weight due to frustration. i know that. for some reason, i'm having trouble doing that.

i want to weigh around 115. i have to do it. for me. i weigh so much practically as much as my dad. its not all about weight, don't get me wrong.

but i guess i'm focussing on it.

life sucks right now. it has for awhile. you'd feel the same way if you were in my place, trust me.

i know we all have our trials and tribulations in life. but right now it sucks for me.

i know some of you have it bad, maybe even worse, i don't know.

but i never envisioned for myself an unfortunate life filled with so much lack of success as this one has proven me.

boy does this suck. it really, really does.

no, i'm not going to kill myself or anything like that.

i'm just ANGRY. MAD.

i'm pissed off that this is where my life has left me at. that i'm 26 and back in school for a 2 year certificate program where i am studying more than i ever have constantly and continuously week to week.

everything right now is pure torture and writing it all out has left me exhausted. there's more, but i can't even think of the details.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 12/07/2008:
Hi HOP! You do have motivation and you will succeed!

selina on 12/08/2008:
Hey HOP, going back to school and to do well academicaly, as you have been doing, is no easy task, be very proud of it! Unfortunately, the stress that comes from wanting to get perfect grades, as well as innumerous other factors, does seem to take a toll on people like you.... And me. As I probably mentioned to you before, I did gain lots of weight when I went back to school when I was about your age... I did get perfect marks and got on the dean's list every single semester, and I did put on a lot of weight, too.... I did go back to school for a full 4 years. However, If I were to do it again, rather, if I could go back in time and do it again, here are a few things I would do differently: I would NOT go to the restaurants at lunch time. There were so many restaurants in the vicinity of the campus that were so cheap - student oriented and the food was delicious - I remember trying many of them until I narrowed down to my 6 or 7 favorites. If I could get back in time, I would pack my lunch. I would pack my snacks and lunch and make it a rule not to eat anything aside from what I packed - a balanced meal for the day. I would not visit the restaurants - except for especial occasions - and I would save my money and my sanity. I would also go for walks when I had some free time, even if it was 15 minutes. Rather, I would make time to go for walks because we can always find time if we want to. I would not carry money in my pockets so I wouldn't get tempted to buy food stuff on the streets - those pretzels and hotdog stands are eveywhere... I would concentrate on my walk and enjoy it. I would make the exercising my "job", along with the "job" of school. I would take bike rides or take long walks to clear my head everytime I got annoyed at a family member, a teacher, a classmate.... I would not eat my frustations away... I would concentrate on things that I have control over, such as packing my food and exercising more strenuosly on weekends. I would avoid putting emphasis on problems that I have no control over, like a moody teacher (who was so evil, and a womanizer, uggh) or a string of exams towards the end of semesters. I would reward myself with a hair cut or a spa treatment or a massage if I could afford it, instead of rewarding myself with a fancy dinner at a restaurant.

hindsight 20/20... easier said than done, blah, blah... I did have a friend who played tennis every other day, it worked for her, not for me - I didn't like getting sweaty... We are all different...and we do change.

I do hope you can find something that might help you in there, though... writing is good therapy, too. Warm hugs to you my friend.

Donkey on 12/08/2008:
Selina up there has some really good advice. I especially like the part about packing meals so that things are planned out ahead of time. It kind of forces you to STICK to an eating plan.

One thing I was wondering... I'm wondering if there is some connection between your feelings from when you were in school before to your feelings NOW that you are back in school. Or maybe the connection is that you are dreading job hunting again once you are finished with this program. So you put so much pressure on yourself to do well now in (subconscious?) hopes that job hunting will not be hard when you graduate school this time around? (I think job hunting will be much easier with this degree, btw.)

I can see how the uncertainty would eat away at you (in general). Add to that a toxic home environment (at times) and it must be very hard to find constructive coping mechanisms.

One thing about uncertainty is that it won't be this way forever. I mean, nothing is certain, but it's Newton's Law of Motion: objects that are in motion, stay in motion. Objects that are at rest, stay at rest. So eventually you WILL find your niche and you will find your comfort zone. It may not feel like it now, but trust me, as someone who has lived a little longer than you have, things eventually come to a holding pattern. You (in general) just gotta hang on until ya get there, I suppose.

Know that I am thinking of you, and I read every entry you write/update. HUGS

thinnside40 on 12/08/2008:
Frustration stinks!... How well I know, cause frustration for most is within one's self and most of the time about situations we have no control.... To learn to actually control the things we can is even harder....

You do well in school, cause you put in the effort & time to get the good grades..... You know how to reach obtainable goals... You prove it!

Best wishes for a successful week.....

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Dec 06, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

for tomorrow, i'm going to make my lunch. possibly...

sunday: breakfast = 900. ok. lots of chocolate soy butter, green drink.

lunch = 700 ok... egg white flatbread, small package of cheese and pb crackers, package of animal crackers. at grandma's.

snack = 400 getting bad... coffee ice cream. at grandma's. prob should have turned it DOWN.

dinner = 250.... + 250 ....+ 450 = not ok. soup w. a bowl of lettuce, sandwich with turkey and american cheese, 6 lindt chocolates.

total for today: 2950. not good. nope. it would have been 2250 if i stopped with just the soup for dinner. but no! i had to go for a sandwich followed by 450 cal of lindt chocolate.



i wish i could go back in time. go back about 5 years...or even better, 7 years. but i can't. so i have to make due with what i have.

 plans for today include a walk in the park later. and some homework for school and  a movie tonight. no big plans i'm glad actually.

breakfast: 1200

snack: 200

snack: 50

late lunch: 200, 150, 500 = 850

total so far: 2300

4,000 cal today. haha.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/06/2008:
Hope you were able to get the walk in & enjoyed the movie.... I just got in from walking a 6 miler and now getting ready to shower & get gussied up......

Check on ya tomorrow!

hopinforachange on 12/06/2008:
I hope you were able to get in your walk today. Have a good time watching the movie & with the homework. :)

selina on 12/07/2008:
Have a good day, HOP!

loveray on 12/07/2008:
love, kisses, happiness and peace. be kind to only yourself this sunday. xoxo

horn_of_plenty - Friday Dec 05, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

breakfast: lots sugary oatmeal, pb. 700

snack: apple 80

lunch: green drink, apple, coffee 200

late snack: fruit/nut bar: 170 mostly in carbs/fat but healthy fiber

dinner: mcdonalds 900, lg apple 130, cookies 450 around 1500 total here.

2650....plus soup, 3,000 on the dot.

3400 (biscotti, jello)

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/05/2008:
Best wishes for a good weekend my friend!

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Dec 04, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

4500 calories.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/04/2008:
H_O_P ~ Maybe do some yoga routine in the privacy of your room if at all possible... You don't have to look at yourself to do it.... Try to focus & channel as much positive energy as you can... I know you WANT to combat your struggles,stresses, etc....... Struggle was on my plate today, due to the week before monthly hum-drum appearing... I know that is what it is and still didn't resist the ice cream (with extras to boot).....

Hope that you can feel better, be under less stress, feel your desire to get this done so badly that resistance occurs....

Get some rest!

loveray on 12/05/2008:
i love you- i have some great yoga home practice guides if you are so inclined. i hope you have a restful weekend and are able to get back to your essence. xoxo

WI3 on 12/05/2008:
Hey there HOP! I just finished a book called "Former Fat Girl" and I really got a lot of good information out of it. One thing she talked about that was a very good idea, was to purchase seven days worth of workout clothes (not all at once obviously if you can't) and then have them put together so that they are always ready. She also gave some good information on other issues. It is worth a read. I think she has a website as well..something like formerfatgirl.com

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Dec 03, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

hey. much better, no. little better, possibly.

breakfast: 2 packages oatmeal (flavored) and almond milk. 400

snack: apple, green drink: 160

lunch: hot pretzel w. ketchup/mustard: 400

snacks---dinner: (unhealthy) popcorn 260, iced lg coffee 90, tofu175, celery20, salsa40, romaine20, (salad), (around 600)the entire package of SIX carob coated rice cakes (now i need to replace them bc they weren't mine...)...720 for the rice cakes total here: 1320. hahahah stupid???!

total calories today: 2280. i did wake up. i've been up. stop eating this way jackie. just stop!

my goal: 115 is still my primary goal. but how will i do it???? it keeps getting further away. it's ONLY 25 lbs away. it's NOT hard. why am i making it that way?  i want to get BACK into exercise in the am. on the treadmill. like workingit, i should have the goal of losing FIVE lbs a month. that's FIVE months. soooo...by MAY i should reach my goal. that sounds good. and some time to spare before summer. five pounds is NOT that hard. and i'll prob lose some extra weight the first month. i'm practically crying, well not really, but this can be done and i need a better hobby than to eat after work. for now on, i shall go straight to the gym...i'll pack my clothes? i shouldn't stop at home - anymore. so yea, i'll pack the gym clothes tonight and go straight to the gym tomorrow. feeling to big for yoga.

sorry for the rambling, but it helps me.

food plan for tomorrow, before i get even more obese:

breakfast: oatmeal, almond milk 200 WATER

snack: TWO green drinks: 170

lunch: SUBWAY turkey extra meat 350?


early dinner: salad and microwavable meal. up to 500.

total: 1200-1300 just fine. planning is everything, i guess.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

loveray on 12/03/2008:
good work on the planning front- its so hard to check in with ourselves realistically. i am proud of you!

selina on 12/04/2008:
hey jackie - you did well today, hang in there, we can do this... hugs!

selina on 12/04/2008:
I read this article and it's very interesting... it's about meditation and one's diet http://health.msn.com/health-topics/mental-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100227263>1=31016

mcwoo40 on 12/04/2008:
Just passing to say hello.I'm struggling over here.I was due to see the dietician tom but she cancelled till after new year,i suppose this gives me more time to be naughty or not???New year new start again!!!Take care Julie

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