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horn_of_plenty - Monday Dec 10, 2007

Weight: 130.0

oh my. i really did binge today, monday, after yesterday's rambling about giving my word to end it all.

so, basically, buying new clothes made me able to binge more. just kidding, it does need to stop. it's harder than i thought this would be.

calories: 5,000 in mostly carbs. the binge could have been prevented and was after work. It lasted 1.5 hours.

basically, i want to be able to eat everything and still lose weight. i know i can do this with moderation, but i'm afraid to not get full. the road ahead is going to be a challenge and i will have to prove i'm ready...when i'm ready?

55 min exercise.

total ex: 9 hrs, 50 min....it's gonna get better! :)

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

legcramps on 12/10/2007:
It's always hard to begin, and once you're in a routine of healthy eating it's even harder to maintain and not fall backwards. I think the main point you need to remind yourself of is that you keep trying.

I *love* bread and grain products - I started eating whole grains a few years ago and that's good, but I can still stuff my face. I really struggle with this and it sounds like you do, too. Are you consciously eating 5,000 calories? I mean, do you sit down at a quiet dinner table and eat that much in one sitting? Try it sometime. When you want to eat, sit down at the table and eat. And don't read a book or watch t.v., or fiddle with anything else but your food. Your stomach may not actually feel as empty as you think.

Donkey on 12/10/2007:
You may have to face the possibility that you cannot stop the bingeing on your own. Please prove me wrong.

raksi on 12/10/2007:
I know how you feel :( My binges are my downfall. What are your bingeing patterns?? I'm trying to be more aware of mine and trying to find way to stalwart them when I feel it coming. Mine usually occur after work as well. Try to have hearty snack before you leave work or go do some exercise right after work! I've been going to yoga right after work and I want to start walking when I don't have yoga classes. Because of the class, I haven't had a binge in a couple weeks. Get back on that horse again and try not to beat yourself up, it is hard, but you can do it!!

borntocry on 12/11/2007:
I also feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and still lose (or not gain) weight. I guess I feel sorry for myself and that I deserve to eat or at least that I don't deserve to go hungry. Sometimes it's really hard to go on a diet after several days of overeating because it seems like such an enormous deprivation (which it is when you're used to eating whatever you like). But you just have to get used to it. You have to believe that you're strong enough to do it. You're tough, you can go without food.

It's really hard to break out of a binge cycle. Sometimes will-power isn't enough. Try to make it physically impossible for yourself. Go somewhere after work - somewhere you can't go on an hour-long binge. Go to the gym or a mall or a movie or something. Go for a really long walk and don't stop until you're exhausted - then you still have to walk back! Get in a really good workout - you won't want to undo all that work with a binge. Don't just rely on yourself to avoid the food when you're sitting in the midst of it. That's like trying to quit smoking but carrying a pack of cigarettes around with you. No-one could do it!

Make things easier on yourself!

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Dec 09, 2007

Weight: 125.0

today's exercise: 40 min.

total exercise: 8 hrs, 55min

My bingefest is over. I end the day with 5950 calories. (approx. 6,000).

So, tomorrow starts my challenge. A better entry would read TODAY starts my challenge.

So, as Biscottibody writes certain goals for herself, I have a goal for myself:

loose about 20 lbs in 20 weeks. As long as I stick to fitness and calories, this is MORE than realistic.

It's Done. If I offend everyone with these really dramatic, unrealistic, entries, sorry.


If i stick to a diet for 20 weeks, I will be how I want to look. 20 weeks sounds challenging, but definitely doable. 20 weeks takes me all the way to April 27th! My gosh, that's such a long ways away!!! I have to prove to MYSELF that this is worth it. I need to take ONE day at a time... I want this sooo bad. There's nothing stopping me except for my MIND. Wrong choices are NOT worth it. JUST NOT WORTH IT.

calories so far: 4760. people would never think its possible!

Nobody said change is easy. I've chosen to spend the day at home for the most part. I will be stopping by Old Navy to pick up some pants that fit. Hopefully they'll be a very reasonable price.

I'm going to read. Maybe start a journal. I just had a snack, even though I'm still full from the morning. I guess sometimes you need to revisit the past before making changes so that you don't stay in the past. What I mean is, I think I needed to gain weight in order to realize it is possible and that i don't want to continue on this type of journey. I'm not sure if this is logical.

For some reason, I have Jeno's microwavable pizza on my mind. It's in my house. I didn't buy it...it's not mine. Maybe I should go to yoga at 3pm even though i'm full? It'll be difficult to do some of those poses. Plus, i need to buy pants for work and if I go to yoga I can't buy the pants. so, yeah, yoga's out for today. I'm not worried about my membership...even if i didn't go a whole month, i'd make up for it in the end.


interestingly, i go from wanting to "look hot" right before bed to a terrible morning binge. i couldn't exercise inside on the treadmill, because my dad was. but, i didn't have to binge. cakes, cookies, yogurts, everything.

so, now it's time to calculate: 4000 cal for breakfast!

i told myself just now that this was the last straw. the problem is that i don't like to intuitive eat. i'm afraid to. so, once i start to eat past full, the binge begins...

i have to purchase at least two pairs of pants today because my others don't fit and its embarassing. I am started my diet again. I'll try my best. I have been getting better at noticing my feelings before a binge, even if it doesn't appear that way to you.

i will concentrate on my breathing and go to yoga. I know i can overcome these negative thoughts. I know it.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

Soon2BThin on 12/09/2007:
Good luck with your diet. Just do the best you can. No one is perfect. Take it slowly. Have a great week!

geevee on 12/09/2007:
What I love about yoga is that it clears my mind. I concentrate on what the teacher is saying about the asanas; what to do and how to do it. No thinking on my part if required. What I especially like is the admonition of the teachers to NOT push yourself. Let your body do what it can. In time, you will be able to do more.

I'll never forget the day when I was walking out to the parking lot and someone coming toward me said, "Did you just come from a yoga class?" "yes." "I knew it!" You looked so relaxed and calm."

I was, but what amazed me was how noticeable it was to others.

If it's not too late, I'd go straight to yoga and then go shopping for pan ts. The stores are open late at this time of year. You could probably do both if you chose to.

Donkey on 12/09/2007:
I wish you the best of luck! Come on, Horn, we can do it!!

borntocry on 12/10/2007:
Hi HoP! I hope you are really serious about this challenge and are getting down to business starting today. Rather than think about how long 20 weeks is, you should concentrate on one day at a time and think about your health. No-one needs 5000 calories a day - you know in many parts of the world people are subsisting quite happily on under 1200 calories a day. If we didn't have so much food available, we wouldn't think about eating so much. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Thanks to supermarkets and refrigeration, we can eat whatever we fancy at any point of the day - exotic fruits, dairy products, all kinds of treats. Back when humans were living in caves, we would probably have been happy to find one potato or catch one small rodent to gnaw on.

Not sure if any of this is relevant but just thought I might share my thoughts with you!

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Dec 08, 2007

Weight: 125.0

i now have more like 15 lbs to lose, but i'll work on one pound at a time and take it from there. if i did it once, i can do it again, right!?

most importantly, i will learn to reflect on fitness and other comforting things other than food to get my feelings and emotions out! :)

total calories: 1950 (I had some wine after watching the concert. At least red wine is healthy!)

I am determined to look really hot. lol. whenever i go out with friends and have a good time, i come home determined to look hot! why is this!?

today's exercise: 1.5 hours walking.

total ex: 8hrs, 15 min.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

starfish on 12/08/2007:
Great attitude :) Try to remember that 125 at 5'2" is not considered over weight. So be gentle with yourself. If you find it difficult to stay at 1500 per day then allow 2000, then when you feel ready go down to 1900, then 1800 and on from there. I find that when I allow myself to have negative self talk for not having a perfect day it can easily send me into a downward spiral that can take weeks or months to get out of. I'm practicing being forgiving of myself if I go over my calorie goal for the day. I've realized that if I forgive myself right away then I have a much better day the next day :) and one day of over eating is much better than 30 days!

starfish on 12/08/2007:
Also to get emotions out I write in my journal or go for a walk. If you need to vent your feelings you could always let it out here too.

workingit2 on 12/08/2007:
Good job. Rest easy =)

workingit2 on 12/09/2007:
For me, looking 'hot' is about the entire package working together to help the other pieces of the package lol. Like, the hair and makeup look good and that helps perhaps the outfit look better...the outfit looks good to help the body shape look better...the body shape looks good to help everything pull together..but it isn't like I stress myself over each thing. For example, when I get out of the shower and am putting on my makeup, there is that point where I think "Ugh, it is hopeless" and get aggravated with the way I look at the moment. But I know that once I finish the makeup, that it will look very nice and I'll be happy again. So usually I hurry up with the makeup on days I feel like that lol. Or I'll think "oh yuck, my hips look horrid" (especially now) and I'll pull out my before picture or I'll hurry up and finish dressing because I know I look better with clothes ON lol.

I think it is perfectly normal to want to look hot. We all want to look good when we go out..even if it is just to the grocery store. The trick to actually living life is not to make the need to look hot, become an obsession that robs us of enjoying our TIME. I know a lot of us would live vastly different lives with vastly different thought processes if we knew we only had two weeks left to live.

So enjoy making yourself look hot! Just don't forget to enjoy LIFE while you are at it. =)

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Dec 08, 2007

Weight: 125.0

Saturday entry:

so eating started as good as I could make it the day after a three-day full out binge. I found myself stopping by the specialty supermarket after the dentist consultation. The tooth couldn't come out today, bc it was just a consultation. And, even if i do remember the dentist saying there was a possibility that he'd take it out the same day, it wouldn't happen today: my mouth by the tooth was INFECTED. and i know why, the three day binge!! Of course, I didn't mention that to the dentist, but that's pretty crazy. whenever i eat/chew overboard, this happens! sick. lol. just another reason not to let eating rule my life.

into the afternoon, eating got bad...and i've even had 6 mini lollipops...and the milano's took their toll. so far, 1770 cal.


Friday's calories were 4700. I'm ready to stop the binging for awhile. I'm getting my wisdom tooth out this morning probably...if the consultation goes well. It's a little swollen in that area due to my excessive chewing/eating.

alright everyone. have a good day.

no exercise at all on Friday.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

shadetree on 12/08/2007:
Well, on a positive note, maybe by getting your wisdom tooth out it will make it uncomfortable to eat and that will help you not binge :)

Have a good day!

borntocry on 12/08/2007:
I know what you mean - sometimes my jaw aches from eating too much. Quite embarrassing. But as shadetree says, getting a tooth out will surely curb your appetite!

Thanks for your comment. I have made butternut squash pie, but not turnip. I'd heard of that but thought it was a joke! Have you ever had it? What's it like? I like pumpkin and sweet potato pies because I don't have to add much sugar. Don't know if that would work with turnip!

geevee on 12/08/2007:
I couldn't believe the weight you posted! You now weigh what I did when I reached my goal a year and a couple of months ago. (Can't recall the exact date.) You HAVE TO get control of your eating habits or you'll be up in the 140's with me in no time at all. You DON'T want that! Your binges are taking a toll. Why don't you follow the suggestion Biscotti made not too long ago? CC

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Dec 06, 2007

Weight: 125.0

Friday morning edit:

I've already had another bingy day this morning! an apple, cup of pumpkin...and 4 tablespoons peanut butter. all together: 550 cal. the reason that i say it was a binge is because i ate past being full, way past being full.


i'm gonna die a very early death. i'll tell ya that.

4,000 calories today. almost every piece of clothing is too small. i've got problems.

yeah, i know, i need to go about this process slowly. the more pressure i put on myself, the worse off i am.

the control these past few days has been lost.

exercise: 1 hr.

this is sooo sick...and I haven't felt the way I have today and yesterday in a few weeks. It's that really weighed down feeling. When there is gross bulk in your stomach and it sits and sits there for 3 days until you feel like yourself again. I know that life will always be difficult, and i really do need to stop turning to food. I want to live a life that is so far and distant from the one i have now...where food is not an issue and i have more enery than ever before. where i'm in great shape and i don't sit around with my legs up at the computer for 3 hours or more in a row!

if i gain any more weight, i'll pretty much be at my higheset weight before i lost 30 pounds 6 years ago. I'm totally headed in the wrong direction...this is sooo sad! i need to fix this. i know how and i just give up day after day.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 12/06/2007:
Why do you think you aren't worth your goals?

mylifechanges on 12/06/2007:
ok girly..you're breakin my heart here! You know what I find funny? I was thinking today when I was at the gym about all of my bad days, and how it's so easy to drown in self-pity and just give into the temptation to binge. But then I started thinking about how angry I've been in the past people who I love and care about were harming themselves (cutting, anorexia, etc.). And it just made me MAD! How dare those people think of themselves as so worthless that they would bring harm to their bodies? Then it was like a SLAP in the face that I do the same thing all the time. Why is it so easy to see the worth in others, and so difficult to fight for our own?...One of the quotes that has forever stuck with me was by a woman who is now a marathon runner (one of our mutual goals!) and triatholoner (if that's a word) who has lost more than 180 pounds. She said that eventually a time comes where it will just "click" and what did it for her was the fact that she would NEVER force her children to eat more than they were hungry for, or harm their bodies in any way. So why was she doing it to herself? I think so much of this fight is very much a fight for self-worth and realizing that we as human beings are WORTH the fight. If we're not, then why are we doing it? This is something I have to remind myself of on a daily basis....So stick with it sister. Pull yourself up from the computer screen, make yourself a nice list of goals (with REWARDS), and look forward to livin TODAY! It's all we've got!!

And now, just for fun, I compiled a bunch of the best encouraging things you've left on my blog throughout the last year. Maybe reading your own words will encourage you that you've got this in you- I know you'll see it through!!!

Love. love. love. ~Michelle

"so, you've had a string of bad days, just pick up here...it's never, ever too late to change. :)"

"you will definitely get right back into the groove..... the day could have been worse!! feel better! i'm cheering for ya!"

"it's all about having more good days than bad...and you are doing a greaet job with that!! :)" (HoPs- you've ALWAYS done a great job of this!!)

"You're on your way! I have my bad weeks too! What matters is that you never completely throw the towel in!"

borntocry on 12/07/2007:
Go out and buy a bunch of health food and new workout gear. The more expensive the better. Or better yet, sign up for a race! Find some way to motivate yourself! I know it's hard... I think it's harder in the winter. I feel like doing nothing but sit at home and eat. But you have to either physically get yourself out of the house, or find some way to mentally distract yourself from food. I know you already know this, but we all need to be reminded of it from time to time!

Donkey on 12/07/2007:
I do not know how you can manage to eat plain pumpkin. Pumpkin pie filling OK, because it is sweetened and spiced. Plain ol' pumpkin by itself? Yuck. Of course, maybe if I put butter and salt on it like a sweet potato, it might taste better to me. Hmm....

workingit2 on 12/07/2007:
Have you ever tried giving yourself permission to binge, on purpose, twice a month or once a week or anything? Maybe by making it 'ok' to binge a couple times a month, it will take away the feeling that it is abnormal to binge, and you can have something to work towards? I know when I started to change my eating lifestyle, I HAD to give myself permission to have a cheat day once a week, and then it was a cheat meal, and then it was once every couple weeks, down to once every month..and now, it is once in a while. Kind of like when a guy wants to go to a strip club but his wife/girlfriend is always telling him it is bad or wrong or whatever. It makes some guys want to go even more. But when a woman says "Ok, have a great time, just remember we have soccer practice with little Jimmy tomorrow" it kind of takes away the thrill.

In one of the articles I posted recently, they discussed that the thought of binging for some people, releases a pleasure hormone that can be addictive. So maybe if you can give yourself permission to binge at specific times that you write on your day planner or whatever, maybe you'll be able to control it a little more and you will find other things in the meantime, that give you pleasure.

Just a thought!

Donkey on 12/07/2007:
I gotta say, Biscotti's got some really good insight and sage advice. I think she nailed it right on the head. If this were me, I'd print it out and carry it around with me and read it several times a day.

One thing I'd like to add to the part she said about allowing yourself to eat what you really want instead of what you think should eat: I first drink a glass of water to make sure that I am not confusing thirst with hunger. Then, if I am still hungry, yes, I go ahead and eat it. (Especially when it comes to ice cream, I will eat ice cream if I am thirsty.) :-/

But I think if you ate what you wanted or what was available (i.e. what the rest of your family eats for a meal), then you would be more satisfied in the long run.

And I would like to reiterate about the counseling too. A social worker, a RD, somebody.

legcramps on 12/07/2007:
I know how hard it is to pick yourself up once you're so far down in that hole, but you need to do it. The problem is you probably already know that and just don't care. At least, those are always my feelings. Believe me, forcing yourself to do it will get you the same results as actually wanting to do it. So whether you want it, or whether you force yourself into it - get to the gym or go for a walk; join a class or hit up a friend to do something with.

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Dec 05, 2007

Weight: 120.0

i emotionally ate 4200 calories. and, that's if i'm lucky and calculated correctly...ugh. bad stomach ache.

exercise: only AM 1/2 hour. sucky as anything!

total: 5 hrs, 45 min tomorrow i will go to yoga...and even though i had a bad day today, i am making a good attempt to recover tomorrow and for the rest of the weekend! :)

I feel like i'm at a point we're i'm almost unable to make any changes in my life...i get a step closer, and take 100 steps back.

Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/06/2007:
Did you have a happy Chanukah?

workingit2 on 12/06/2007:
Take a big deep breath! Keep taking those steps forward. I bet once you get active in yoga again, full time, that you will start to turn about. Hang in there!

greengirl on 12/06/2007:
Good luck with tomorrow and the rest of the weekend HoP. You can do it, girl !!!

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Dec 04, 2007

Weight: 120.0

from my calculations, I ate around 2050 cal. I had a pretty large dinner, around 900 calories.

exercise: one hour. tomorrow I want to go to go to yoga practice.

today, i did some volunteer work after work for 2 hours. it went pretty well, as good as volunteering can be, anyway! :)

total exercise: 5 hrs, 15 min. :) that's ok.

i was definitely bingy today. but, really, calories weren't bad - and i cannot think that they were!

at the current moment, i am angry. there is this friend i have living in another state who doesn't realize his actions and how they make me personally feel. I can't really say too much more, except that he's great at being the controlling one in a relationship. i actually just mean a relationship as friends. and i personally don't care for people like that, who are rude and lack any understanding...and he may just loose me as a friend.

Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 12/04/2007:
Sometimes people reach out on the internet because they have exhausted all the friends they could make in their daily lives. Good for you for not letting him control you. Life is too short to have drama and frustration from someone who you don't even see. =) Have a great night!

horn_of_plenty - Monday Dec 03, 2007

Weight: 120.0

the dinner date went well...although he is on the thin side...but what's wrong with that right? that's motivation on my part! lol.

calories are pretty good. when i got home, i did have some celery sticks and an apple even though i really wasn't hungry, just antsy.

calories: 1375 approximately.

exercise: AM = 35 min. now, i plan on another short 35 min. i'm a bit tired...

total exercise: 1 hr.

total Dec = 4 hrs, 15 min :)

Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 12/04/2007:
Looks like you had a great day! So...I take it you aren't attracted to the thinner guys? I've always been partial to the stockier guys. Probably a good thing that Brian is stockier LOL

mcwoo40 on 12/04/2007:
Hiya,you will have to fatten him up!!What was his personality like,if he can make you laugh that's great stuff,hope you are seeing him again.You are doing well with your exercise,you seem to your 'old self 'again,bye Julie

horn_of_plenty - Sunday Dec 02, 2007

Weight: 120.0

hey everyone...my date was cancelled due to the snow this morning! but, the plan is to meet up tomorrow at 6:30pm. He really does sound like a nice guy and it would be pretty cool if we ended up being interested in each other. we shall see.

exercise was ok. 1hr 15 min cardio. I didn't go to yoga today, although I could have, because my body is sore from yesterday. I am not going to work through soreness. Instead, I'll give my body the proper rest it needs and then go back to yoga. What I have is an unlimited pass for a whole year...unlimited yoga! If I wanted to, I could go to like 5 classes a day haha! Just kidding, nobody does more than two. And the majority does only one. Most people do not go everyday and its worth it even if I only go between 8 and 10 times per month - in comparison to the other types of passes I could have bought. So there you have it.

i didn't exercise this morning - i should have because it's so easy to get more exercise in that way. It really adds up with anything else I choose to do later in the day. Tomorrow really is December! haha. So, since I've been doing a half hour AM workouts on the treadmill for the past week, maybe I should increase to 35 min? yeah, that's what I'm going to do even though the sound of it makes me anxious for some reason. I love having the morning workout, but I don't want to be rushed to get ready or wake up too early. It would be pretty cool to work up to going an hour on the treadmill in the morning!

exercise total for December: 3 hrs, 15 min...already looking good!

calories were not bad. I thought i was going to have a miserable day but finally got out of the house...and that saved me. Calories are about 1575. yay, i stayed in the 1500s.

I really want to loose some weight and show off some more toning - the only way is too loose some fat. The pictures he's (the person i'm going on a date with) seen of me are when i weighed about 10 lbs less...eesh. But, two are recent, from August! lol. The only one really recent, as in Thanksgiving, picture that I have is a bad one so I'm not showing it to anyone. lol.

Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 12/02/2007:
Ohh yeah it has been really nasty here today with the snow/ice/rain and fog. Slippery streets and lots of wrecks. A good day to stay inside! And I don't think most men can tell a ten pound difference, unless we go and buy new breasts LOL.

harleygirl79 on 12/03/2007:
You can do it and look smokin hot for your date. Have a great time~

Teriyaki on 12/03/2007:
Good job on the cardio. Glad you're enjoying the yoga

jmarie60 on 12/03/2007:
Don't let the snow prevent you from working out. I know the weather makes me sluggish sometimes! I hope your date goes well!!!

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Dec 01, 2007

Weight: 120.0


Sunday AM edit:

date cancelled due to the snow...we're going to meet up tomorrow after work. i just had a VERY large lunch by normal standards. haha. and, i want an apple but i am full. eh, i'll have it anyway. today is NOT going to be a 1500 calorie day because i've already had about 1150 cal. I'm planning for 1750.

my mouth is like a saltshaker! yuck! i had two veggie burgers before and they are so tasty...but so salty. i wish they had half as much salt!


late night edit:

total cal, to be safe, i'll say 1550. hopefully not more! :)

American Gangster was a good movie and dinner was ok too.

hopefully the date will go well tomorrow.

total exercise: i'll say 2 hours.


well, i just paid A LOT of money (125 per month = 1500 dollars!) for a year membership to yoga. yup. that being said, my exercise totals will probably dramatically increase next month!

today's exercise so far: 30 min cardio and 1.5 hours yoga. 2 hours so far. i will count all the yoga minutes even though some of it includes postures when we are just lying down.

going out to dinner with friends tonight and a movie...i'm nervous about tomorrow and it's supposed to snow! lol. we may have to cancel, probably not. i'm not excited to go out to eat tonight because i don't even know the menu, it's not online...my calories are good so far, 950.


Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

starfish on 12/01/2007:
Hi! Congrats on the yoga membership :) and good job on those calories so far!

workingit2 on 12/01/2007:
Cool on the yoga membership! I hope you had a great evening and that you have a lot of fun on your date tomorrow!

mylifechanges on 12/02/2007:
great job HoPs! I'm proud of you! And yoga sounds like a blast- and gives you something to stick to for sure. Accountability is always good. Let us know how the date goes! :)

Teriyaki on 12/02/2007:
Glad you're treating yourself to something enjoyable and good for you

meagain on 12/02/2007:
Hi there young lady! I think you have ALL of us looking forward to this date ... you should envision a little "cyber window" when you guys finally get together as all of you DD family is surely peeking in!!!

Congratulations on how conscious you are of what you eat and your exercise ... you're whittling away an ounce at a time ... soon you'll be there!

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