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innerpeace - Tuesday Dec 30, 2008
(Weight Watchers)
Weight: 259.8

Weigh in last night was atrocious, but I knew it would be. Usually the check in lady, Kathy, usually says something like, ‘you picked up a few’ or ‘you dropped a couple’ that would discourage me so I asked her to quit telling me, I wanted to look for myself. So then if it was “dropped a couple” she would hand me my log book open, if it was “picked up a few” she would close it and hand it back to me. So I would know without really knowing and look at it at my leisure. Last week I didn’t go, so I told her straight up, I just wanted to weigh and get it over with because I knew I had gained. I was contemplating going home and changing into some lighter clothes. She says, ‘oh it isn’t that bad, you’ll be surprised.” With that I’m thinking, yay!, I only gained a point something or other, that  was wishful thinking, packed on 3.8 pounds. YIKES! I don’t even remember anything I ate being that good. Oh well, I didn’t restrain myself.

Today I had to go to suicide prevention/recognition training. Now, I haven’t ever felt suicidal and I would entertain thoughts of killing others before myself but going to that training sure opened my eyes. I think I possess more than half of the risk factors to look for: among others there were poor self control, hopelessness, recent loss (loved one, job, relationship), history of abuse, feeling trapped, withdrawing from family, friends and society, anxiety, agitation, dramatic changes in mood, no sense of purpose in life, difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time and increase or decrease in spirituality. I think I have expressed each one of those over the past six months, yes I see a therapist; we are working on my issues.
But because of the holidays and the death of my step-father last year, I was angry with God and felt he was just made up so people would have someone to blame when they were angry and had to deal with death so I started looking for a regular church to attend thus the increase in my spirituality. This journey took me on an unbelievable quest. I can’t tell you how many different churches I attended, each one doing something or saying something I didn’t quite get or they would do some weird rite that would make me really uncomfortable. Finally I found one that I liked and have been attending since which is the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. I invited my son to go to Christmas Eve candlelight service at 7:00 pm, he said he would but reiterated that fact that he did not believe in God and that he was just going for my benefit. Then my boss invited me to his church which is First United Methodist, to their candlelight service at 11:00 pm because he was performing a solo so I invited my son to that one as well, again with reluctance he goes.
So we’re at my church and everything is going ok until the pastor speaks a line and then the congregation answered, my son freaked out. He said afterwards we sounded like a cult and he didn’t get religion. So then his questions start, and I have no clue how to answer them. If God created Adam and Eve, did they come before or after the dinosaurs? And when there were dinosaurs weren’t there cavemen? Who created the cavemen? What hasn’t God spoken to anyone in over 2000 years? Where are the angles? And when was the last time I saw an angel? If there is a God then why is there cancer, why does he let his people suffer? Then he starts telling me it is easier for him to believe the theory of evolution than that God created the world because there were no answers to his questions. I could only tell him, I didn’t know, I just have faith that there is a God, someone bigger who gave me breath and I would rather live my life as there was a God and find out there wasn’t, than live my life like there wasn’t a God and find out there was. Though I hate the fact my son is agnostic, until he witnesses some kind of miracle I will just have to pray that he finds faith somewhere.
On a lighter note, coming back to work after the holiday there were three gifts on my desk, now I’m always up for gifts so I’m by no means complaining so I open my gifts and there are lotions, body creams, bath salts, bath oils and a candle. So I’m thinking huh, I either stink or someone is regifting because they didn’t like what they got. Anyway, I take my smellums home and use them and while looking in the full length mirror…big mistake I noticed something needed a little trimming up, it must have been a long time since the last time I even looked so I got the scissors and was snipping away and OMG I snipped a piece of skin I shouldn’t. Not a pleasant feeling, kinda scary at first but it wasn’t anything that needed stitches, so I guess I will be OK.
Hope you all have a joyful and prosperous new year, be safe celebrating. IP

Progress as of today: 21.2 lbs lost so far, only 93.8 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/30/2008:
The best guide anyone could have in what God has to say or how things came about, where we are at and where we are going is the Bible.Personally we abide by the original King James Version. The questions your son has concern about are valid ?'s, but he must be willing to believe the answers when they are given from the Bible.. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, but the evidence of things NOT seen." I could go into many reasons how evolution can be dis-proved & how there weren't dinosauers that God created, but just know that as long as you tell your son about God, etc then it is up to him to accept or reject it. You have done what you are suppose to in encouraging him to see the "truths" of God.

Thank you for your words of "never give up".... No intentions of EVER doing that... As I told Jen40 a while back, Ive worked too hard to go back and will NEVER have to start @ 237 again.... Just as I said "stall" isnt suppose to be a regret.

Have a wonderful "new years" week!

innerpeace - Monday Dec 29, 2008
(Weight Watchers)
Weight: 256.0

Tonight is weigh in night, I didn't quite follow the plan over the holidays and pretty much expect to gain weight. But I'm going to get right back on track, I have glorious hopes of a better year.

My face has exploded with awful acne, I can't get an appointment until after the new year with a dermatologist. I have never been because i keep hoping the last outbreak will be the last one, but every other week there is something popping up on my face, they are big huge red nodules that are flaming angry red and hurt unimaginably. Today it hurts so bad I actually called, but alas no one is in until after the holidays..unless emergency. Well, i've put up with it this long a few more days surely won't hurt. Well, only my self-esteem. I'm 41 years old, I didn't have acne like this in high school.

Ever wonder why you can't repush an elevator floor button light to turn it off? Oops you pushed floor #2 by mistake, you actually wanted floor #4, but guess what, that floor #2 is written in stone, you are going to stop on floor #2 regardless if you wanted to stop there or not, there is no forgiveness, no turning back, it seems with all this great technology today, someone should invent a forgiving elevator button.

My son just recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years, he is living at home again. It is something to get used to. He is also caught up in playing Worlds of Warcraft (WOW) and he has no ambition to do anything else. He comes home from work and stays on the computer all night long. He is mad at his dad, who lives in Georgia and says he is going to move there to live with his ex step-mother...not his dad, but ex step-mother, this irks me some. I'll have to think of other things.

I joined the AVA (American Volksport Association) and have been walking alot the last year, there is a walk scheduled January 1, what a way to kick off the activity. I hope the weather cooperates with a long walk.

Continued success to all, IP

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only 90 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 12/29/2008:
Sounds like you have lots going on..... I LOVE to walk, just with all this snow and daylight being so much shorter, it has put a speedbump in my regime darnit!....

Have a wonderful evening!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/29/2008:
good luck tonight! and enjoy your long walk!

skinnyjeans on 12/30/2008:
Enjoy your walk and hope you had good luck at the weigh-in last night! :)

innerpeace - Tuesday Dec 23, 2008
(Weight Watchers)
Weight: 256.0

I haven't posted in so long I couldn't figure out how to make a new entry, but as usual, clicking around on everything helps.

The last two years have been horrid and I'm am all for good things in 2009. I have been doing weight watchers the last two years and my only fault with them is the personal accountability thing...I guess I want to talk to someone on a more personal level than in a group, yeah, I'm not one to talk amongst alot of people, same goal in mind or not.

So, I'm back to posting my thoughts and feelings, which may or maynot be off the wall so this will be fair warning. It is great to see some old familiar names and new ones. Good Luck and continued success to everyone.






Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only 90 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/24/2008:
write WHATEVER you need to. we all say what we need to on here. and probably what you say will help many of us on here.

Jen40 on 12/26/2008:
Oh I'm familiar with posts that are off the wall, Just check out some of mine from the last two months and see! lol Write whatever you want~ were here for you!!!!

skinnyjeans on 12/28/2008:
Congrats on losing the 25 pounds and cheers to a wonderful 2009! :)

innerpeace - Wednesday Mar 08, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

I walked to WATP the two mile tape, I like it OK, but sometimes, I wish I could change the talking. I have to put it down very low, and put on some music because I get tired of the same ol conversations. There are 206 bones, I know that because I've listened to Leslie say it for four days in a role.

I went to Furr's last night with my parents, since I've been working two jobs, it is hard for me to track them down when I'm off, they do their own thing, mainly travel, play bingo and garage sale, they are never home.

We get free drinks at work (soda/coffee/tea) whatever you want to drink. I usually stick with diet Doctor Pepper, but then I was thinking, what if when you quit, they were secretly monitoring how much you drank and then slapped a big, huge bill on you on your way out the door. I guess I'll stick to water.

Men are so funny. They were making 20 copies of a presentation, about 30 pages. Then they took the 30 pages and made 30 separate piles around the conference room table and walked around in a circle picking one of each up to make their packet. I didn't say anything I was just shaking my head, because just last week I showed them how to punch one little key on the copier and the copier would sort it for them. Instead of coming to ask me again, they wasted about 30 minutes putting their packets together. Damn their pride!!

I was just born with a need to explore every tool shop of my mind, and with long searching and hard work. I became devoted to my restlessness. Gordon Parks

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 95 lbs to go!

innerpeace - Wednesday Mar 01, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

I couldn't get up this morning to walk, but the day is not over and I will get it in before I go to bed tonight, this is for certain.

I started off saying I would diet, and I walk into the break room to get my fruit salad for breakfast and there is this chocolate cake, souffle, chocolate pudding type thing on the table, sitting there screaming, eat me! Eat me! So instead of getting my fruit salad I had a spoonful of the yummy, chocolately stuff....not one but two.

I have issues with people. I had every intention to go to water aerobics, but I couldn't get out of the car. The terror is so real to me. I sat there and told myself I would get out of the car, but I couldn't. I watched people come and go and I just couldn't bring myself to get out. I could feel my heart start beating really fast and my hands were shaking and I broke out in a cold sweat. I just couldn't make myself get out of the car. It was awful. I then said I would just go home and walk, but i didn't, I went to my mom's house, but she wasn't there. I just went home and read my book.

Today at lunch, I was going to go walk at the lake, which is a couple mile from my office. I was going to walk for 30-40 minutes and then come back. I wasn't scared of this, I just got there and wanted to read my book, while I watched everyone else walk. I am so pathetic.

I have to work at the bank tonight, so I know my excuse tonight will be that I am too tired.

I will get this thing under control. I will, I will.

Yall have a nice day.


Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 95 lbs to go!

monet0239 on 03/01/2006:
hello there..:O).. I know how you feel sweetie.. expecially if you were all by yourself.. I am not one to do anything by myself.. but grocery shop..lol.. go figure.. but something like water arobics.. I would have done the same thing.. and you know what.. thats ok.. might just be a weight thing.. might not be.. even if I was a skinny thing, I dont think I could go alone.. but .. you do need to do some kind of exercise hun and I hope you get yourself in the mood to do so.. it will help you.. I have been walking on a treadmill.. one reason.. I live in the country.. I could go to the town park.. but.. like you.. I dont want to go alone.. :(.. do ya like to dance? I do.. and when I loose some weight I will start that up again.. It helps to find someting you enjoy.. (beside reading eheheh ).. I love to read as well.. Danielle Steal , shes my fav..I'm a romance junky.. but if I am at home.. I tell myself.. exercise first before reading. Might help for you..

Good luck sweetie.. we are hear for ya.. hugssss

bunny_girl on 03/02/2006:
Going to a pool alone would scare the heck out of me too!! Totally normal I think...probably a parking lot full of people who didn't go in! ;-) as for the walk at lunch...well hey you got all the way to the lake! That's like half the battle!! I'm sure you'll do it next time no prob. Good luck!!

borntocry on 03/02/2006:
Hi InnerPeace,

bunny_girl is right. I think many people would have a problem with water aerobics. Until about a year ago, I hadn't appeared in a swimsuit in public since I was seven years old. I used to swim like a fish then, and now I can't even keep afloat. They say you can't forget how to swim - well, it's not true!

Not only that, but even when I started running, I was so embarrassed and afraid to be out like that in public that I often went all the way to the sports complex and then just turned around and went home. I just couldn't face the people. It's a big problem for me too, so I don't really know what to tell you. But when I get those fearful feelings I try to just keep telling myself that all those people suck, that I don't care what they think, that I'm not going to let them ruin my day. If I keep telling myself that, it does help a little.

Good luck!

innerpeace - Monday Feb 27, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

Had a great weekend. Saturday we went to the OU basketball game and met a group of my friends, there are 13 ladies, and ate dinner at PF Chang's. Very good Chinese food there. Afterwards we went to one of the ladies house and played cards and bingo. The bingo prizes were the little bottles of liquor you get on airplanes. It was so fun. We are practicing for our old age. One of the girls is going to Florida to meet an on-line friend, believe me we discussed all the possible things that could happen and go wrong. She is going the end of March, she said she pushed it back to then so she could try to lose 10 pounds. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous, matter-of-fact I was thinking, 'Man, I would love to look like she looks' My green envy monster showing up..(I have several different monsters) and then she's saying she wants to lose 10 pounds. I guess everyone has their weight they are comfortable at, or a weight where they can look in the mirror and like what they see.

Sunday we went to the Library's annual book sale, picked up some very nice books for .25, .50 & $1.00 a piece and then we went to the Civic Center and listened to a story teller. I washed my car, went to Kohl's, looking for a swim suit to do water aerobics in, but they didn't have any in my size. I fixed my friend's VCR/Cable/DVD/TV hookup so she could record and then I went to the grocery store of course I had to wash clothes and clean up the house.

It was a pleasant weekend. Today, I actually got up to exercise. I didn't do much, but it's a start. There's a great commerical I can't remember what is is actually advertising, but it shows a lady going into a gym, but then she comes right back out of revolving doors and then it says you have to take baby steps. Well today I took my first baby step, after I got up and turned of the alarm and climbed back in bed, I was still awake and said 'self, you are awake, just get up and do someting'. I did the WATP 1 mile tape, I stepped on the cat twice. I was kicking and he thought I was playing and then when I stepped he was just in the way. The second time it happened, I yelled...move you stupid cat but he just lies right down in my exercise path and I have to push him out of the way. I think it lasted 15 minutes, but I have to gradually get back into exercising.

I know working two jobs is wearing me down, heck I slept most of the day Saturday, and if it wasn't for tickets to the bb game, then I probably would have slept more. Sunday Tomorrow I have plans to do my 2 mile WATP and my water aerobics in the evening, Tuesday night is my only night off from my second job and I guess I'll just have to wear my old bathing suit. I wanted one with shorts on the bottom, because my thighs are so big....but I'm not going to complain, I'll just wear the one have.

Hope you all have a great day! IP

I read this in the Parade magazine "I hope all your sleepless nights are caused by starry skies" Marilyn Vos Savant

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 95 lbs to go!

innerpeace - Friday Feb 24, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

OMG I cant believe it has been forever since I have put a journal entry here. I started a diet and lost 20 pounds. But then I lost my job and went on numerous interviews, only to be denied a job. What a freakin morale buster that is. First they laugh in your face, then they ask when you can start and then they say how wonderful your qualifications are, but I never once got a call back or job offer. I know it has to do with my appearance, I know it, I know it!! So anyway, surprisingly I was offered a job, havent decided if I like it or not but it gives me a paycheck so I guess I may stay for awhile.

And then, stupid Sonic comes out with a Sweetheart blast and I have one and then I have another and I think I ate one everyday day for a week and a half. I had to say. Come on Jo Ann, are ya trying to kill yourself? But I know it (food) is my drug of choice. I love food, I love chocolate and candy and all things sweet and creamy and I am an ADDICT! I think I would rather scrape the taste buds off of my tongue than deal with my weight problem.

I have gym membership but I am ashamed to go, I just know everyone is watching me. I cant get up in the morning to go, because I cant get my fat ass out of the bed. I set my alarm in another room. I got out of bed, turned of the alarm and climbed right back in and slept. I was even saying Jo Ann you got up out of bed, at least do something..walk away the pounds, tae bo or something But no, the bed won this argument by saying, remember how soft and warm I am. You Bet!! Crawled right back in and slept for another hour. I have plans though, great plans and come March 1, 2006 I will implement them. Right now, Im psyching myself up!

I hope you all have a great weekend. IP

Short term goal: I will be 39 on July 28, so I would like to lose 39 pounds by then..more would be great.

innerpeace - Monday Nov 07, 2005

Weight: 0.0

innerpeace - Monday Nov 07, 2005

Weight: 0.0

innerpeace - Tuesday Aug 23, 2005

Weight: 0.0

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