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innerpeace - Monday Dec 30, 2002

Weight: 255.0

I guess it's time for another New Year's resolution. This year I have decided to concentrate on my mental and physical health and maybe the weight loss will fall right on in line. I dream of the day I can wake up and not worry about how much I way or what I look like, gee I can't remember NOT doing that at least since high school.

I'll use my Christmas present which is a Crossbow weight machine, it's really nifty and is sitting right in front of my TV, so I can look at it and not feel guilty about not using it.

I have been living in a constant fear of being activated. I really don't want to go back to a foreign country, I wish everyone would just be nice for once.

Hope you all had a great holiday and will have a joyful and safe New Year!

mom of 4 on 12/31/2002:
I just wanted to say ,"hello".I pray you all the things you desire will come to you.

Zeppy on 12/31/2002:
Hmm, I can relate to that dream. I've been struggling with this 'issue' (weight) since I was 12. That's 11 yrs. FAR TOO LONG. 2003 is the year all will be resolved. I'm positively determined. Take care and take it a day at a time.

innerpeace - Tuesday Nov 19, 2002

Weight: 255.0

I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I'm not to disappointed, but I will always wonder why. Was it because I'm fat and don't look presentable to them? Sometimes I get so disgusted with myself, I know I have made my own personal hell.

There is a girl in my class who is I'm going to say bigger than I am because at least I don't waddle when I walk, but she looks like she's in so much pain all the time. But my vision and thinking is so obscurred we're probably the same size. I've stooped so low as to try and compare how she looks in the chairs and then how I do, my hips aren't hanging over the edges so I guess I'm going to say she's bigger than I am. I'm in denial, I have mental problems about food. I don't want to exercise because it hurts something on my body. I need to find some mental blockage techniques, or find something to get me out of this haze I'm in.

I thought I had dealt with this, but I guess not. Something always brings it back to the surface. I do have my own private pity parties too, I've even looked on the internet for Bariatric surgery options, but that to me seems like the last resort, I feel like I still have some hope for me, I just have to dig down deep and find it somewhere. I remember in basic training, our drill instructors kept yelling at us that we had no 'intestinal fortitude' (guts) because we kept giving up to easily at a difficult task we were given. This has become the biggest challenge in my life and again I have no intestinal fortitude, endurance, willpower, or all the stuff you need to loose weight.

I'm going to ponder awhile and write more later. I hope all of you have a better day, than mine has started out to be. JO Ann

CharlieAngel on 11/20/2002:
Jo Ann!

If you can make it through basic training then you can accomplish anything! When I graduated from Basic I felt like I had just achieved the impossible. For me, it is a matter of just putting one foot in front of the other. Take those baby steps and stop being so hard on yourself. Take some time and list all the wonderful things about you! I am sorry that you didn't get that job and as much as I hate to say it, perhaps it was because of your weight. Being overweight is certainly the last accepted form of discrimination out there in our country. You don't hear alot of people complaining about poor treatment of fat people. I have felt that in the past after I had interviewed and was given some excuse or another that it wasn't the real reason. It was because they percieved me as not being intelligent enough, or not being able to represent the company by being a cover girl look-alike. You just hang in there sweetie. I know that you can do this....I am here for you as are many of the Diarists. YOU DO HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THIS! I will pray that you find your stride! Love you and thanks for always being there to support me! Have a super day! Charlotte

Anticaha on 11/23/2002:
I do the same thing with comparing people. When I was in college, checked out the other students in my classes to see if I was the fattest one there. I would find someone larger than myself and think, good, at least not all of the attention is on me! Just wanted you to know you're not alone, and don't beat yourself up.

innerpeace - Monday Nov 18, 2002

Weight: 255.0

I had an absolutely horrible eating weekend. When I start I always say, might as well go ahead because I can always start all over on Monday. I left work early to go to a job interview with the National Weather Service, I think it went well, hopefully I'll find out before this week is finished. Afterwards I went to Mom's house and ate chicken and dressing, cranberry sauce and green beans, which wasn't so bad until I went home and took a nap. When I woke up I went to play cards and ate some crackers and jello. Saturday morning I was feeling guilty for interviewing for the civil service job, when I like the job I have now, but the other job would be more money, but then I would have to drive further and then I have the chance of getting laid off where I'm at now because of downsizing so I was stresing trying to figure out what I'm going to do and I haven't even been offered the job. So I went to Wal-mart for washing soap and bought a box of turtles (the candy) and ate the entire box (18 pieces) throughout the day after I hate two sausage biscuits from McDonalds. I can't even imagine how much fat that is, I couldn't even bring myself to look. I did spend a great day with my Mom, we talked and played games, she likes scrabble, but I talked her into trying the new Upwords game which was OK, then we had leftovers from the chicken and dressing. And yes, I have to admit, we watch football!

Sunday, I was supposed to read and do some homework. RIGHT!! that didn't happen, I sat around and watched TV and cleaned up the house. I was sad because it is my son's birthday (Sweet 16 - do boys have a sweet 16? - What do they call it?) and everytime I tried to call El Paso there was no answer, not even a machine, what is the world coming to? I sent him a Playstation2 game he wanted, but I still would have like to talk to him. I can't believe he will be driving so if anyone is near or around El Paso, Texas please drive extra careful so my son won't get in an accident. He is so far away I can't protect him anymore.

I would try to do my homework several times but I couldn't read the material, but the subject matter just didn't appeal to me, so therefore, I will try and read it at lunch today.

Awww today. Great Monday has already started out bad. I was paranoid coming to work, thinking the guy I interview with called and talked to my supervisor here. How nerve wracking is that? If I leave I want to leave without them knowing it. Anyway, I had french toast and bacon for breakfast, what a way to start a week, but I won't let that affect my other decisions.

I hope all of you had a great weekend and have a better week. Jo Ann

cynthie on 11/18/2002:
So you made a boo-boo. Get over it. You've got so much going for you! You can't change what has already happend but you can take the present in you hands!! Plan what you will do today and work your plan! We believe in YOU!!!! God bless ~Cynthie

tabitha1971 on 11/18/2002:
Don't give up Jo Ann, you can do it..Don't let one bad weekend get ya down you have many more better ones ahead of you I am sure..hang in there & goodluck with whatever you do.

innerpeace - Friday Nov 15, 2002

Weight: 255.0

I would like to say I have been dieting and exercising but that wouldn't be the case. I have been going to school and eating, so I have gained more weight. I have joined weight watchers, again, and that seems to be working out for me. I still have to get off my butt and exercise. I was reading someone's journal - sorry - forgot whose and they were talking about not sleeping. Whew, I wish that was my problem, I can sleep anytime and anywhere. I would rather sleep than do anything else. My mom says I'm sleeping my life away. I don't see it that way, I go to many different and interesting places in my dreams, yeah, I'm avoiding life.

So, I guess I will try to return to the land of the living and stick to this program. Though I have been away, I popped in every once in awhile to read up on everyone, I'm glad most is still here and I'll have to get to know the new ones.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Jo Ann

Beth 201 on 11/15/2002:
I know what you mean. I hide myself away from the land of the living also. It is hard to get out and get moving. I have made my mind up, I really don't care what others think about my weight. I am proud that I am out there doing something to change that problem. I am always proud of heavy people out there riding bikes, skating or just walking. That makes me so proud. You hang in there. Also remember you are a very pretty person. Don't avoid life. Just out there and enjoy every min of it!! You are WORTH IT!!!! Hugs Beth :)

BandMom on 11/15/2002:
Hi! I have miss you very much!Welcome back!HUgs and smiles. You are so worth the effort!Bandmom

cynthie on 11/16/2002:
Thank God I'm not the only Prodigal Daughter out there. I'm back too InnerP .... he girl we can do this ... RIGHT? You'd better believe it. Make today yours ... by the way IP, today is now the 16th, lol. ~Cynthie

kyrin on 11/16/2002:
It's great to see you back with us again! ...I've added you to the group's Birthday List (find it in the <i>Talk It Over</i> section, under the <u>Just for Fun</u> heading).

Wishing you successes!


innerpeace - Thursday Aug 01, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
Weight: 255.0

Day 2 gone. It wasn't so bad. I had a heartfelt conversation with a person I hardly know, or haven't seen in a month. It was a young guy (I say young he is about 24) he said it looked like I lost weight. Well none since he's seen me last but I didn't say that. I just said thanks, I'm trying.

I then mentioned I stayed fat because it was my security blanket. It kept me from getting close to people and getting hurt, referencing my divorce. Anyway, I probably told him too much, but it was the truth. I'm afraid to get close to people, I don't want to get hurt again, and being fat was a way I could keep my distance. Anyway, I just want to lose weight now, just to feel better.

Breakfast: Special K, 1/2 banana and 1/2 c. skim milk Lunch: boiled egg, 1/2 grapefruit and 1 piece of wheat toast Dinner: baked fish, cauliflower & broccoli, 1/2 c. rice, 1/2 orange Snack: small tossed salad, other half of orange

My legs are very sore from yesterday, but I did mow the grass. I hope everyone has a great day. Has anyone heard from Charlotte? I just worry about her, she motivates me so.

CharlieAngel on 08/02/2002:
Here I am! sorry I have not been here. Work just overwhelmed me this past few weeks. I am so much in agreement about being fat being a protective cover from hurt and pain. I, too, punished myself by staying fat to insulate myself from the the hurt that others inflict on me. Sadly, they still hurt me when I was fat, because I was fat. But I looked at that as acceptable because afterall they were just telling the truth right. NOw, I just want to be healthy and live my life to the fullest. I have learned not to care too much what other people think. I have to be happy with me first and foremost. You are on the right track. YOu can do this! I have total confidence in you! Love you and hope you have a great weekend. Love, Charlotte

cynthie on 08/04/2002:
Hi there. Girl, you are awesome! I've spent the last 30 minutes reading your diaries. I have laughed out aloud at your humor and approached tears with your pain.

If you can fight for your entire country (millions of people) surely, you can fight for yourself; One, two-hundred-fifty-something pound individual!

I need you to stick to it this time for me. I'm new at diet diaries and there is so much of your story that could be my story.

Peace & Wisdom, Cynthie

innerpeace - Wednesday Jul 31, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
Weight: 255.0

WOOHOO I made it through Day 1, which is always so tough to do.

Breakfast: Special K, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk Lunch: Fruit salad with canteloupe, honeydew, strawberries and cottage cheese Dinner: baked chicken, baked potato & broccoli Dessert: strawberries and yougart Snack: Two pieces of wheat bread

I walked about 1 1/2 miles. My legs were hurting so bad, like lava falling on them. It wasn't the calf or the shin, but on the side about half way up. I had it checked out before, but they said I didn't have a problem, you know it's one of those you make up.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great day.

MichelleP on 07/31/2002:

Menu sounds great! Way to go on getting through day 1!!

Take care and have a wonderful night!

kyrin on 08/01/2002:
Hi, Jo!

Congrats on making it through Day1 in such fine fashion! 99 more to go? <i>You can do it!</i>



innerpeace - Tuesday Jul 30, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
Weight: 255.0

Tomorrow is start day #99. I went and bought all the right food. I was going to start last week, however, we had planned a weekend in Branson, MO and I didn't want to be restricted there. We went on a Sunset dinner cruise with a great show, Silver Dollar City and another show (Legends in Concert) that night and drove back on Sunday. It was my 35th birthday present to myself.

Now that I'm back and finally finished celebrating I've decided it's time to have a go again. I am going to start the Hilton Head Metabolism Diet. It's not hard I'm just very weak and lazy. I'm embarassed to take my lunch to work and eat it in front of everyone. So I am my own worst enemy. I'm in for the fight this time.

I wish everyone luck and continued success. Jo Ann

innerpeace - Tuesday Jul 23, 2002

Weight: 255.0

Hi everyone, I guess I am back at it. I barely survived my 3 week National Guard Training at Fort Polk, Lousianna. I thought I was going to die of the heat and humidity. Why people live there voluntarily I'll never understand!!

My son moved, back with his Dad at El Paso, Texas. I was angry at first, however, he is 15 (16 in November) and I guess I just can't tell him what to do anymore without getting some negative feedback. I hate listening to him tell me how much he hates me and being here. I guess at this time in his age, a dad is a good thing.

School is tough, but I have a three week break. Now comes the commitment to weight loss. I was even telling my classmates, that losing weight will be my number one goal for the rest of the summer. Work is crazy, cut backs are hell. Four people were let go last week, several more to come. I'm just glad I don't have their particular jobs.

I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. I'm going to add my exercise routine back in and start the calorie counting/fat watching thing again. I'm glad to be back to start catching up on everyone's success. Way to Go Charlotte!! that is so fantastic, I sure missed reading about your family.

Crittermama on 07/23/2002:
I heard the military is tough on you!! My dh is in the Army National Guard. He was an Army Reservist before that. Good luck.

inmorning on 07/23/2002:
Sorry to hear about your son. I look forward to reading your entries.

BandMom on 07/23/2002:
Glad to see you back.I miss you.Hugs and a smile. Bandmom

innerpeace - Thursday May 02, 2002

Weight: 255.0

There comes a time in your life when you realize you have a crazy, big problem, and then when you finally realize it, it takes you another week or so to come to terms with it, analyze it and then finally try to do something to help yourself.

Last Thursday night I received the dreaded phone call. I had to talk to the wife of my ex-husband. I handled myself well, quite professionally I'd say. I didn't spout off, riducule, curse or be sarcastic once. I informed her of what has been going on the last two years my son has been with me concerning his orthodontal work, optometry stuff, school work and just my son in general. But after I got off the phone I went into the kitchen and made a big pan of brownies and ate half the pan, the rest for breakfast the next morning. I was angry. I hate the fact that my son is leaving, hate it more that he will be there with my ex and not me. If that's not emotional eating, I don't know what is.

I was talking to a girl at school about how I need to lose many pounds, as much as I could before next month. She said she would walk with me. Bless her heart, I almost cried. But anyway, we are supposed to meet tonight and go walking in the park. That will be fine but then I don't want to get into talking about myself, I hate that when you start a new friendship.

My pictures were posted, those new pictures were taken at Christmas, I think I have an extra 10 pounds now, if you can imagine that.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great day.

BandMom on 05/02/2002:
Hi and will keep in my thoughts.It a new day. With a new way.:) Here Is a big hug! Bandmom

MichelleP on 05/02/2002:

Sounds like you did well taking with ex's wife. Geez that is not a place I would want to be. I think under the stress you are under the brownies are understandable. That is wonderful that you will have someone to walk with! Take care and have a great walk!

innerpeace - Friday Apr 19, 2002

Weight: 255.0

Last night I grilled steak out, I had half a steak and gave my son the other half. I thought it was kinda tough. I made mash potatoes and baked beans. I cook for my son, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't eat anything at all. Well, I guess that will be the case in another month. He asked me last night to start getting his transcript and stuff from the school. I told him to wait, if he decided to go to school in Texas they could request it and the OKlahoma school would send it. I still don't like the idea of him staying there with his step-mother. I was in Saudi for six months, he just tells me he don't think his dad will be gone that long. It's incredible how selfish I'm feeling. I guess I'll just absorb myself into going to school and loosing weight.

I applied for another job yesterday with the Department of the Treasury, Comptroller of the Currency in Oklahoma City. I think they kind of do the same thing my Examinations & Inspections department do, but at a national level, and it is a federal job. Oh, well I'll guess I'll see what happens.

This morning was sad. It was the 7 year anniversary of the Oklahoma City Murrah bombing. My current office is right accross the street and I work high enough where I could see the little ceremony they had, I couldn't hear it though.

Last night I was very tired and couldn't get myself up and exercise. I'm telling you that drill weekend sure takes alot out of me. I'm going home to take a nap after work, but tomorrow I have plans to get up and go walk. I was just thinking of all the exercise activities they have around my city. Last week they had a red bud classic and a walk for the cure (breast cancer walk) next week they have the Oklahoma Memorial Marathon, oh, yea, I'd love to do that. I've just decided to make that my long term goal. I want to run in the National marathon. I did compete in the Kole Kole Pass 1/2 marathon in Hawaii, but that was 40 pounds ago.

Well I hope you all have a great weekend and despite the forecasted rain, that is what I plan to do. Jo Ann

Crittermama on 04/19/2002:
I have never been in the military or anything but seeing the condition my husband comes home in after drill weekend I understand what you are talking about. He comes home and goes straight to bed. He might take the time to take off his boots but that would be it. I've seen him go to bed many times in his boots. What stinks about this month is that he had drill the first weekend, was home with me last weekend (the weekend without kids and we did tons of stuff), has pistol competition at Fort McCoy this weekend, and Regionals next weekend in Indiana. I don't see him more than 10 minutes everyday during the week so I'm pretty depressed about not seeing him at all this month except one weekend. Anyway, good luck with your goals. I know you can do it.

MichelleP on 04/19/2002:

I do not see your feelings as selfish, they are a mother who loves her son. When I read your entry today I was moved to tears, tears for those lost 7 years ago, tears for those left behind, and tears for those who have forgotten the date. It seems that with all going on since Sept 11, the other tragic events in your world have really taken a backseat. Makes me wonder in 7 years will the events of that terrible day be just a faded memory. Leaves you to wonder so much. I am holding you in my heart and in my prayer. Please take care and have a wonderful weekend!

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