- Monday Dec 30, 2002
I guess it's time for another New Year's resolution. This year I have decided to concentrate on my mental and physical health and maybe the weight loss will fall right on in line. I dream of the day I can wake up and not worry about how much I way or what I look like, gee I can't remember NOT doing that at least since high school.
I'll use my Christmas present which is a Crossbow weight machine, it's really nifty and is sitting right in front of my TV, so I can look at it and not feel guilty about not using it.
I have been living in a constant fear of being activated. I really don't want to go back to a foreign country, I wish everyone would just be nice for once.
Hope you all had a great holiday and will have a joyful and safe New Year!
- Tuesday Nov 19, 2002
I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I'm not to disappointed, but I will always wonder why. Was it because I'm fat and don't look presentable to them? Sometimes I get so disgusted with myself, I know I have made my own personal hell.
There is a girl in my class who is I'm going to say bigger than I am because at least I don't waddle when I walk, but she looks like she's in so much pain all the time. But my vision and thinking is so obscurred we're probably the same size. I've stooped so low as to try and compare how she looks in the chairs and then how I do, my hips aren't hanging over the edges so I guess I'm going to say she's bigger than I am. I'm in denial, I have mental problems about food. I don't want to exercise because it hurts something on my body. I need to find some mental blockage techniques, or find something to get me out of this haze I'm in.
I thought I had dealt with this, but I guess not. Something always brings it back to the surface. I do have my own private pity parties too, I've even looked on the internet for Bariatric surgery options, but that to me seems like the last resort, I feel like I still have some hope for me, I just have to dig down deep and find it somewhere. I remember in basic training, our drill instructors kept yelling at us that we had no 'intestinal fortitude' (guts) because we kept giving up to easily at a difficult task we were given. This has become the biggest challenge in my life and again I have no intestinal fortitude, endurance, willpower, or all the stuff you need to loose weight.
I'm going to ponder awhile and write more later. I hope all of you have a better day, than mine has started out to be. JO Ann
- Monday Nov 18, 2002
I had an absolutely horrible eating weekend. When I start I always say, might as well go ahead because I can always start all over on Monday. I left work early to go to a job interview with the National Weather Service, I think it went well, hopefully I'll find out before this week is finished. Afterwards I went to Mom's house and ate chicken and dressing, cranberry sauce and green beans, which wasn't so bad until I went home and took a nap. When I woke up I went to play cards and ate some crackers and jello. Saturday morning I was feeling guilty for interviewing for the civil service job, when I like the job I have now, but the other job would be more money, but then I would have to drive further and then I have the chance of getting laid off where I'm at now because of downsizing so I was stresing trying to figure out what I'm going to do and I haven't even been offered the job. So I went to Wal-mart for washing soap and bought a box of turtles (the candy) and ate the entire box (18 pieces) throughout the day after I hate two sausage biscuits from McDonalds. I can't even imagine how much fat that is, I couldn't even bring myself to look. I did spend a great day with my Mom, we talked and played games, she likes scrabble, but I talked her into trying the new Upwords game which was OK, then we had leftovers from the chicken and dressing. And yes, I have to admit, we watch football!
Sunday, I was supposed to read and do some homework. RIGHT!! that didn't happen, I sat around and watched TV and cleaned up the house. I was sad because it is my son's birthday (Sweet 16 - do boys have a sweet 16? - What do they call it?) and everytime I tried to call El Paso there was no answer, not even a machine, what is the world coming to? I sent him a Playstation2 game he wanted, but I still would have like to talk to him. I can't believe he will be driving so if anyone is near or around El Paso, Texas please drive extra careful so my son won't get in an accident. He is so far away I can't protect him anymore.
I would try to do my homework several times but I couldn't read the material, but the subject matter just didn't appeal to me, so therefore, I will try and read it at lunch today.
Awww today. Great Monday has already started out bad. I was paranoid coming to work, thinking the guy I interview with called and talked to my supervisor here. How nerve wracking is that? If I leave I want to leave without them knowing it. Anyway, I had french toast and bacon for breakfast, what a way to start a week, but I won't let that affect my other decisions.
I hope all of you had a great weekend and have a better week. Jo Ann
- Friday Nov 15, 2002
I would like to say I have been dieting and exercising but that wouldn't be the case. I have been going to school and eating, so I have gained more weight. I have joined weight watchers, again, and that seems to be working out for me. I still have to get off my butt and exercise. I was reading someone's journal - sorry - forgot whose and they were talking about not sleeping. Whew, I wish that was my problem, I can sleep anytime and anywhere. I would rather sleep than do anything else. My mom says I'm sleeping my life away. I don't see it that way, I go to many different and interesting places in my dreams, yeah, I'm avoiding life.
So, I guess I will try to return to the land of the living and stick to this program. Though I have been away, I popped in every once in awhile to read up on everyone, I'm glad most is still here and I'll have to get to know the new ones.
Hope everyone has a great weekend! Jo Ann
- Thursday Aug 01, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
Day 2 gone. It wasn't so bad. I had a heartfelt conversation with a person I hardly know, or haven't seen in a month. It was a young guy (I say young he is about 24) he said it looked like I lost weight. Well none since he's seen me last but I didn't say that. I just said thanks, I'm trying.
I then mentioned I stayed fat because it was my security blanket. It kept me from getting close to people and getting hurt, referencing my divorce. Anyway, I probably told him too much, but it was the truth. I'm afraid to get close to people, I don't want to get hurt again, and being fat was a way I could keep my distance. Anyway, I just want to lose weight now, just to feel better.
Breakfast: Special K, 1/2 banana and 1/2 c. skim milk Lunch: boiled egg, 1/2 grapefruit and 1 piece of wheat toast Dinner: baked fish, cauliflower & broccoli, 1/2 c. rice, 1/2 orange Snack: small tossed salad, other half of orange
My legs are very sore from yesterday, but I did mow the grass. I hope everyone has a great day. Has anyone heard from Charlotte? I just worry about her, she motivates me so.
- Wednesday Jul 31, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
WOOHOO I made it through Day 1, which is always so tough to do.
Breakfast: Special K, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk Lunch: Fruit salad with canteloupe, honeydew, strawberries and cottage cheese Dinner: baked chicken, baked potato & broccoli Dessert: strawberries and yougart Snack: Two pieces of wheat bread
I walked about 1 1/2 miles. My legs were hurting so bad, like lava falling on them. It wasn't the calf or the shin, but on the side about half way up. I had it checked out before, but they said I didn't have a problem, you know it's one of those you make up.
Anyway, I hope everyone had a great day.
- Tuesday Jul 30, 2002
(Hilton Head Metabolism Diet)
Tomorrow is start day #99. I went and bought all the right food. I was going to start last week, however, we had planned a weekend in Branson, MO and I didn't want to be restricted there. We went on a Sunset dinner cruise with a great show, Silver Dollar City and another show (Legends in Concert) that night and drove back on Sunday. It was my 35th birthday present to myself.
Now that I'm back and finally finished celebrating I've decided it's time to have a go again. I am going to start the Hilton Head Metabolism Diet. It's not hard I'm just very weak and lazy. I'm embarassed to take my lunch to work and eat it in front of everyone. So I am my own worst enemy. I'm in for the fight this time.
I wish everyone luck and continued success. Jo Ann
- Tuesday Jul 23, 2002
Hi everyone, I guess I am back at it. I barely survived my 3 week National Guard Training at Fort Polk, Lousianna. I thought I was going to die of the heat and humidity. Why people live there voluntarily I'll never understand!!
My son moved, back with his Dad at El Paso, Texas. I was angry at first, however, he is 15 (16 in November) and I guess I just can't tell him what to do anymore without getting some negative feedback. I hate listening to him tell me how much he hates me and being here. I guess at this time in his age, a dad is a good thing.
School is tough, but I have a three week break. Now comes the commitment to weight loss. I was even telling my classmates, that losing weight will be my number one goal for the rest of the summer. Work is crazy, cut backs are hell. Four people were let go last week, several more to come. I'm just glad I don't have their particular jobs.
I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. I'm going to add my exercise routine back in and start the calorie counting/fat watching thing again. I'm glad to be back to start catching up on everyone's success. Way to Go Charlotte!! that is so fantastic, I sure missed reading about your family.
- Thursday May 02, 2002
There comes a time in your life when you realize you have a crazy, big problem, and then when you finally realize it, it takes you another week or so to come to terms with it, analyze it and then finally try to do something to help yourself.
Last Thursday night I received the dreaded phone call. I had to talk to the wife of my ex-husband. I handled myself well, quite professionally I'd say. I didn't spout off, riducule, curse or be sarcastic once. I informed her of what has been going on the last two years my son has been with me concerning his orthodontal work, optometry stuff, school work and just my son in general. But after I got off the phone I went into the kitchen and made a big pan of brownies and ate half the pan, the rest for breakfast the next morning. I was angry. I hate the fact that my son is leaving, hate it more that he will be there with my ex and not me. If that's not emotional eating, I don't know what is.
I was talking to a girl at school about how I need to lose many pounds, as much as I could before next month. She said she would walk with me. Bless her heart, I almost cried. But anyway, we are supposed to meet tonight and go walking in the park. That will be fine but then I don't want to get into talking about myself, I hate that when you start a new friendship.
My pictures were posted, those new pictures were taken at Christmas, I think I have an extra 10 pounds now, if you can imagine that.
Anyway, I hope you all have a great day.
- Friday Apr 19, 2002
Last night I grilled steak out, I had half a steak and gave my son the other half. I thought it was kinda tough. I made mash potatoes and baked beans. I cook for my son, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't eat anything at all. Well, I guess that will be the case in another month. He asked me last night to start getting his transcript and stuff from the school. I told him to wait, if he decided to go to school in Texas they could request it and the OKlahoma school would send it. I still don't like the idea of him staying there with his step-mother. I was in Saudi for six months, he just tells me he don't think his dad will be gone that long. It's incredible how selfish I'm feeling. I guess I'll just absorb myself into going to school and loosing weight.
I applied for another job yesterday with the Department of the Treasury, Comptroller of the Currency in Oklahoma City. I think they kind of do the same thing my Examinations & Inspections department do, but at a national level, and it is a federal job. Oh, well I'll guess I'll see what happens.
This morning was sad. It was the 7 year anniversary of the Oklahoma City Murrah bombing. My current office is right accross the street and I work high enough where I could see the little ceremony they had, I couldn't hear it though.
Last night I was very tired and couldn't get myself up and exercise. I'm telling you that drill weekend sure takes alot out of me. I'm going home to take a nap after work, but tomorrow I have plans to get up and go walk. I was just thinking of all the exercise activities they have around my city. Last week they had a red bud classic and a walk for the cure (breast cancer walk) next week they have the Oklahoma Memorial Marathon, oh, yea, I'd love to do that. I've just decided to make that my long term goal. I want to run in the National marathon. I did compete in the Kole Kole Pass 1/2 marathon in Hawaii, but that was 40 pounds ago.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and despite the forecasted rain, that is what I plan to do. Jo Ann