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innerpeace - Monday Jul 01, 2019

Weight: 337.9

I don't think I will ever, ever learn, but ALAS as long as I don't quit trying, I will never fail. With that being said the girl and I ordered pizza because I didn't want to cook, lazy. Anyway I binged on pizza and breadsticks Friday night and as I was pulling that stringy, gooey, cheesey, warm, soft bread apart I thought, this looks like my body. White, soft and squishy. The girl laughed, but it is so true. We are what we eat!

Saturday we didn't really have anything planned so I loaded up the doggos and went to a different dark park...with lots of grass and my boys just loved it. On the bad side, DH got over heated and started cramping up so we started back home.

On the way home we stopped and looked at some newly built homes and of course I fell in love - laundry room on the second floor - heaven, they were so new and spacious and expensive. And then we drove by the bakery..."do you want to stop and get some sweetness?" I asked. "Let's" replied my DH. So we do and then we shouldn't have. Neither one of realized how the heat zapped our energy and we got Subway sandiwhiches for dinner...and ate the sweetness (doughnuts) from the bakery - again with the soft and squishy.

Photo of Saturday - Steve (front) and Rocco (rear) in the park

Sunday morning, DH was still feeling bad and was drinking more and more water and gatorade, he started feeling better in the afternoon, he was probably dehydrated he sweats every evening at work and is on his feet all night. While shopping we bought lots of fruits and vegetables and decided...again...that we were going to eat better and be more active.

DH grilled lots of chicken to last throughout the week and corn on the cob. I made a delicious stratwberry and bluberry salad with walnuts - There were two platters of grilled chicken breasts, I was sharing with the dogs and I asked DH to pull out the scale and weighed out 3 ouces of chicken...it was maybe 1/3 of the whole breasts and he is like...wow we seriously overeat....ya think?

Sunday Photo - the summer salad - the photo looks orangey but it wasn't very bright red and blue.

After dinner, DH and I did yard work, our backyard is still very wet from the recent rains, so there are places that still can't be mowed. I did pull weeds and a few more lillies are blooming - the tiger, day and calla lilies Sunday BONUS pictures:

Tiger Lily

Day Lily

Calla Lilly

I have some more that are blooming, should be all bloomed and showy by tomorrow or the end of the week for sure. I love lillies. I still have weeds to pull and wll do that tonight.

So here it is is...another 1st, another Monday and another start. I got on the scale this morning and it wasn't as bad as I thought, but it is still pretty bad, the highest weight I have ever been, but I'm better, the depression is better and I will make my weight better.

Goal of the day: Get my bike out of the shed.

B: Jimmy Dean Frittata, banana

L: chicken salad (1 measured serving), crackers (1 serving), left over strawberry/blueberry salad

S: grapes

D: zucchini casserole

Hope you all have a great Monday! IP



Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 127.9 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/01/2019:
did you bring water to the park? i know it's been quite hot maybe next time bring a cooler so if DH needs to rest (hopefully there's some shade?), he can and you both could have some refreshing liquids.

yes, standing on one's feet all day is something to get used to and is not easy. i wouldn't be able to do it yet myself....i guess if that's the job, he's got to do it. i hope that one day i will also be able to do it and that my body will progress to being able to do it too...maybe he can grab a seat for a portion of his work? I'm not sure if that is actually feasible, but it could help him if it were an option.

i agree - about weighing the food and learning what real portions are - i was always amazing how small a real chicken portion is too! your fruit salad looks tasty!

also, i'm LOVING those beautiful flowers you plant - espeically that orange cream one in the middle - i don't think we have many Day Lily's in NYC? i could be wrong, maybe it's the lighting, but it's very pretty! they are all beautiful, thank you for sharing!

Donkey on 07/02/2019:
Lovely lilies!

You're so right about portions and controlling them. The key is awareness.

Like my comment to Happy about not having a blood sugar monitor, I also do not have a food scale. I did at one time and used it until it died. It's a good investment.

Donkey on 07/02/2019:
Also, what you said about not failing as long as you are trying -- THIS. 100%.

innerpeace - Friday Jun 28, 2019

Weight: 333.1

I had a pretty good Thursday...well almost.

I got home and ate a pork chop DH had grilled. It was pretty good, he is a pepper happy seasoner so I found it a bit spicy but it was still good. I ate nothing with it.

I took the dogs to the dog park. We haven't been there in awhile and the park is now covered in small gravel, probably to keep the mud down to a minimum but these little rocks hurt my dogs' feet. They played a little, but because of the rocks they didn't run and chase and go crazy like before. They socialized and smelled other butts and then they were ready to go home.

We left and I swear my dogs were begging me to stop at DQ right across the street. They were like two kids jumping up and down begging for ice cream, of course being the great dog owner I am I stopped and got them a kiddie cup  of ice cream and they shared it on the patio. They enjoyed it so much. I also enjoyed a peanut butter lovers blizzard, actually I'm the one who wanted the blizzard and I force fed them the kiddiie cup!

We get home and the dogs crashed for the night. I did a few chores around the house and also kept dozing in the recliner and I finally go to bed about 10:15 - this is early for me and I felt I slept like sh!t!.  I didn't hear Dh come home, nor did I wake up when he came to bed, I don't even know what time.

We have the girl for the next week, I go get her after work today.

B: 2 eggo waffles, iced vanilla latte, tea



We have a few things planned this weekend a baloon fest and a fireworks show, but it is all weather dependent. The girl wants her BF to come over again, I haven't decided. She also wants a piercing...WTH? We are going to look for new carpet for the living room.

Photo of the day - hydrangea and Asiatic Lillies from my flower bed




Have a great weekend! IP

Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 06/28/2019:
Your flowers are amazing!!!! My cat asks for things too....LOL

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/01/2019:
at least DH does attempt to cook right!? my food lately doesn't come out how i want it to! i gotta work on improving as of late!

and yes, the flowers are OUTSTANDING and beautiful!

innerpeace - Thursday Jun 27, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Got home and spent the evening with the girl. She was watching The Foster's on Netflix - teen drama. I watched a few episodes with her and kept asking all kinds of questions about the show. I don't thnk I would ever watch it on my own.

I cooked dinner - the zucchini boats. I sliced them in half and cut out the zucchini and cooked it along with mushrooms, onions and spinach and then tossed in the grilled chicken. Instead of using bread crumbs I used quinoa and binded it all together and put the mixture back into the hulled out zucchini skins and sprinkled with a little bit of cheese. This turned out better than expected. I was even happy the girl liked it. I felt the skin on the zucchini was touch so I couldn't eat the boat! And we had the left over Amish salad.

B: frosted mini wheats, iced vanilla latte, iced tea

S: belvita, gogurt

L: left over zucchini boat filling, clementines


I had plans to go to bed early....but I somehow started watching Are you the One on MTV. I got to bed about 11:15...I will try again tonight. I didn't hear DH come home, but I did hear him finally come to bed about 4:30 but fell right back to sleep.

May get my bike serviced this weekend and pedal around the neighborhood.

Photo of the Day - Steve and Rocco didn't want me to leave for work this morning.





Have a great day. IP


Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 06/27/2019:
Loved that show! Your dogs look so happy. Zucchini boats sound yummy!

innerpeace on 06/28/2019:
which show? The Foster's? or Are you the One?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/27/2019:
OMG your dogs look very comfy on the super plush chair!

your dinner sounds exquisite. i am also cooking way more veggies than i used to because i'm now getting them delivered every other week (not expensive, just convenient!). in fact, i get a delivery today!

i have found that spinach is wonderful cooked and goes well in most dishes.

Biking sounds like a wonderful thing to do on the weekend. speaking of which, i need to service my bike too.

Donkey on 06/28/2019:
Bike riding!! YES!! DO IT!!! I hope it works out!

innerpeace - Wednesday Jun 26, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Tough love....after two sessions with my friendly therapist it was decided that journaling did help me, so hiiiie I'm back.

She also gave me the impression that I was feeling sorry for myself, so OK, I wasn't expecting that, but I can see it now...kinda.

She also told me I wasn't getting enough sleep - maybe 5 hours a night max. So I will make a conscious effort to get into bed by 10:00 and not wait up thinking DH will make it home before midnight, it's obvious he doesn't...AND no more late night baseball games.

Went to the library and looked around for 45 minutes (for 30 minutes there were about 6 kids running up and down the rows - it took this long for the librarian to tell them to stop - they didn't. She then asked them if they were finished and to leave). I decided I didn't need to check out a book when I have a mini library at home and haven't read half of the books there, so I left without a library book.

DH cooked some bacon for me and I had two fried eggs and bacon with two pieces of toast for dinner.

I then steamed some Brussel Srpouts and had a few of those. I added a glaze (balsamic vinegar, mustard and syrup) added some crumbled bacon and walnuts and covered those up for DH. Then I made the Amish salad with cauliflower and brocolli with the crumbled bacon and half of the cheese the recipe called for. I also used Greek yogurt instead of mayonaise for the dressing. This should last a few days as there was a lot of brocolli and cauliflower.

Tonight there is the zucchini, spinach and mushrooms to be used up. I will make the zucchini boats with grilled chicken left over, so this will work out nicely and no wasted vegetables.

B: 2 eggo waffles, syrup & butter (minimal amount)

S: belvita and gogurt

L: Amish salad with grilled chicken, 2 clementines

D: zucchini boats,

The girl is over today, DH is taking her to get her eyebrows threaded. With her there, I may be able to take a walk without worrying about the dogs.

Anyway, work rush, drama and training are hopefully over for the summer and I will be journaling on a more consistent basis, instead of just reading.

Photo of the Day: My steamed brussel sprouts from last night



Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

legcramps on 06/26/2019:
Brussel sprouts look great! Nice to have you back journalling :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/26/2019:
I'm glad the journaling has helped you since that means also you'll be back here with us! but really, i am glad since that's what this network is supposed to be like!

it will def help you feel better if you sleep more. whenever i sleep less, i automatically go into foul moods - especially at work.

yum to bacon, eggs and toast for dinner! oh yes! have you ever considered using turkey bacon?

Your brussel sprouts and amish salad both sound good...and the brussel sprouts look AWESOME!!!!

A few months ago, i think during February?, i headed into Boston Market. Surprisingly, they had an side dish of brussel sprouts and bacon there and it was SO GOOD! i love seeing these chains offer some healthy alternatives - veggie dishes!

and with it being zucchini season, great idea on the boats, too!

Good to hear from you!

Donkey on 06/27/2019:
Yes, so good to hear from you!

happy-1 on 06/27/2019:
LOL. Sleep is important! Here is a good article for any time you feel "awful"... Today I needed a shower, to hydrate, eat, stretch my legs, dress, say something nice, move my body to music, take a selfie, get some rest... no wonder I feel awful.


innerpeace - Thursday Jun 13, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Overslept this morning, not sure why my alarm wasn't set. My dog didn't even whine and wake me up as usual. Feel draggy and dirty at work.

Took the dogs on a walk last night, I think they enjoyed it. Back started hurting mid-way through, but we made it home.

I had a piece of chicken, cherry tomatoes and a piece of garlic bread for dinner.

DH grilled about six/eight chicken breasts on his new Father's Day grill and there are a few more in the refrigerator for dinner tonight...great I don't want to cook.

I like most food, but trust me I usually go off of texture and a mushy sqash is something I will say no too...always. Mushy squash, zucchini, eggplant - cook it in a way it won't be mushy. Dh was aggravated because I wouldn't eat his squash, sausage, shrimp soupy thing he made. He can take it for lunch everyday until it's gone. I don't want it.

Still dealing with depression and I have another appointment with the therapist to see about medication adjustment. Happy life, good job, nice home, I just can't fight this weepy, sadness all day everyday for no reason. It sucks.


Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/14/2019:
Dinner sounds delish!

lol i like the sound of DH's soup..

keep looking at the positive. in your entry, i urge you to write about 3 things that went well in your entries - or even one thing. I'm going to have to practice this too!

Donkey on 06/14/2019:
I like Horn's suggestion above, about posting 3 positives, even for days that are really difficult.

I truly feel for your struggle. I've dealt with serious depression for most of my childhood, 20s, and 30s. Not so much now as I approach 50... I do not dare to compare my depression to yours, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It's really, really tough. (((hugs)))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/14/2019:
I also am feeling your struggle and i understand you, even if i am not feeling the same as you now, i have definitely struggled at times.

I am also looking to be more positive - it's a habit to break out of always thinking towards what is wrong.

i support you always. It's hard to change long ingrained habits. i am here with you, also trying this.

legcramps on 06/14/2019:
Keep working at it, every day! Hugs.

innerpeace - Wednesday Jun 12, 2019

Weight: 333.1

I come here often to read posts, and I'm still trying to get myself together.

One weekend planting flowers, I hurt my back or hip and was in such pain for about a week. I couldn't lift my left leg in or out of the car or on the bed it was just horrible and so hard to get dressed. After a few visits to the chiropractor and two weeks I think I am finally able to move around freely, at least I can get dressed.

Had two instances at work that I reacted badly too. I had to go home and think about it before actually saying something. I'm glad I go home and think about what happened instead of going off right then and there and making a scene. This gives me a chance to cool down and look from different view points. I read that if you let something continually go on you're giving people permission to walk all over you, so before that happens, I had to put a stop to anything. I hate being disrespcted and having someone flat out just be rude. I think I handled myself in a professional manner and I can come to work and not hold grudges or bite anyone's head off.

The last two weeks I have been taking an continuing education credits to keep my COR certification. This has taken lost of my time at work, but I should be finished by Friday.

DH and I chaperoned the girl and her boy friend on a movie night. It was ok, the boy was nervous and the girl acted weird.

This weekend she wants him to come with us to a festival we are going to, DH said ok, but don't make this a habit. Have him go to your mom's house. The festival we are going to has an Hawaiin theme and I wanted to wear Hawaiin shirts and this girl has nerve to say...I don't look good in floral. WTH!! Who says stuff like this. Oh, I'm sorry because it's not black you don't want to wear it, maybe because the boy friend will be there...who knows. I hate kids.

DH and the exwife are not agreeing over time with the girl, this is an ongoing thing and frankly I'm sick of it. That woman is so selfish and I see these traits in the girl. DH said he wanted to go to this town wide rummage sale, the girl, said she didn't want to go. DH is like, well I don't want to do a lot of things like go get your eyebrows down and buy you music books, but I do. Sou because it is Father's Day weekend we are going.

I took Monday and Tuesday off next week and hope to get a plan started. I can only hope because my body is telling me things I don't want to hear.

Anyway, have a great evening. IP

Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/12/2019:
Hi InnerP!

Don't you worry - everyone is trying to get themselves together and you have a lot of good things going on for you always, i know!

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better for hurting your back/hip.

Yes, I really like how you professionally handled that situation. Proud of you for thinking about it, taking your time, and not blowing up at work but doing it in a professional manner. more power to you!

Like you taking a class, so am i soon...takes up a lot of time, but it's good for you to do.

kids are kids especially teenagers. Yes! teens are SO PICKY at what they wear! I used to hate whatever my mom would suggest i wear haha...and now i gladly take all her clothes and whatever she wants to give me :) (yes, especially now at 36, she gives me things here and there that were hers and still have lots of life in them!)

but that's so nice she feels comfortable enough to bring the boy with you guys!!!! that's really wonderful. trust me!

good answer to DH to girlie about it being father's day so you are going! :) hopefully you can all make a good day of it :) doesn't have to be all day !

nice post!!!!!!!!!

Donkey on 06/13/2019:
I'm glad you posted! I've been wondering how you're doing. I'm so sorry to hear about the back pains. That is the worst.

Over here, no expectations for Father's Day. Mothers Day was a disaster. I'd rather have an ordinary day than a horrible day ruined by some stupid holiday.

legcramps on 06/13/2019:
Nice to hear from you! Hugs.

Also, kids are so ... TESTY sometimes! And, the ongoing theme, selfish. I agree with your DH - it's his day, he should be able to decide what you guys do. Hopefully she doesn't ruin the day being grumpy the whole time.

I also agree with HoP in that you guys should be happy the girl wants to bring her boyfriend around you. At least you know what they are up to...

innerpeace - Thursday May 09, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Crazy rut/funk returns with a vengeance.

BFF's (in Oklahoma I've known since we were sophomores in HS) brother had a heart attack, he had 90% blockage and did a quadruple bypass. Her mother has dementia so they were trying to decide if they wanted to tell her or not, this was so sad to me. He is in recovery ICU for a few days.

Then my husband says his BFF (father figure) was going in for a bone marrow check because the doctor's think he may have cancern because he is tired all the time, doesn't feel good and has lost a considerable amount of weight. DH shows up at my work in tears...he is so very sad. He went to the doctor's office today with his friend...test results to come.

And then DH is having an awful time at work dealing with his boss and coworkers. DH thinks his boss is racist and doesn't trust him for some ungodly reason (he doesn't know) he has never done anything wrong. He never gets the benefit of the doubt and everything is always his fault or he's the reason for anything bad happening to the machines. He is just about fed up with it.

My work is ok, just gets a little monotonous at times, doing the same thing month after month. I just feel like I need to be doing something more or different. One of the employees is going back to school, I thought about that, but I couldn't even begin to think of something I'm actually interested in to pursue.

The girl has a band concert this evening, I guess I will go and watch that, it is her last one of the year.

Last night I made chicken paprikash for DH, he likes it, I think it is just OK.

Tonight, he was ordering a family meal from the Slo and Lo BBQ place, but he said they didn't open until 4:00, so I would have to order it or get something else because he didn't take anything out to thaw. I haven't decided.

The girl was going to ask her mother if she could spend the night and have DH take her to school in the morning, I haven't ask how that conversation turned out. I did talk to her Tuesday and she was sad that her mother spends so much time with the step-dad and kinda ignores her. She said look, I have one picture of us together. I was going to use this picture to make her a mother's day gift. I told her that is nice. She said yeah but the picture is not a good one - It is from a photo booth at Chuck E Cheese a few years ago. I told her just run up next to her and say selfie time and flash a picture. She say's I've tried and all my mom says is...not now! So sad for her. And then of course she has teen drama going on with school and boys and crap!

Still trying to find balance...good news is...no headaches for a few days!

Awful rainy day here in CLE - Have a great nght! iP

Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

legcramps on 05/09/2019:
That is a lot of sad things going on. Don't forget to think of yourself too in there somewhere - you need to be able to rest and do some of the things you enjoy doing, as well as being a support to those (DH, the girl, BFF) close to you.

Donkey on 05/09/2019:
Same boat here: in a funk, cold and rainy, trying to find a balance, nothing inspires at the moment. *sigh*

BearCountryGG on 05/09/2019:
Oh my......this seems to be the way things are going for all of us right now......it will get better.

horn_of_plenty on 05/10/2019:
yep, i was in a major rut this week - sleepy spell of some sort where i couldn't get enough sleep no matter how hard i tried !

yeah, i could understand why they wouldn't tell the mother. dementia is a horror !

one thing i can suggest for DH and trouble at work is to just laugh in his head over this. i know this is tough advice, but, boss will always be that way...and it'd help if DH didn't keep stressing over it. if he's gonna work there, it's gonna stay that way i think. so, it's best he try to realize that, if he wishes to stay there, unfortunately that is work / people / not fair but that's how it goes.

you'll have to let us know how the band concert goes! she must really love it to have invited you!

not sure you remember, i used to be a music teacher, band, for 4 years only from when i was around 22-26yrs old.

innerpeace - Monday May 06, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Saturday DH had to work so the girl and I took the dogs to the Pet-Tacular event where all the butt sniffing and frolocking took place. I'm sure they had a good time. We stopped at DH's work on the way home. He gave me a short tour, his work is very interesting to me.

The girl and I stopped at Raising Cane's on the way home (chicken tenders) and picked up the late lunch/dinner for us. DH gets home about 3:30, he showeres and eats and we leave about 6:45 to get to the concert. It was an OK concert. I liked some of it, the girl like it and DH could have cared less.

Sunday I did alot of chores, dusting, cleaned the windows, cleaned the stove off and the bottom of pans with Easy Off, just kept busy most of the day with laundry.

B: mini shredded wheat

L: pint of ice cream

D: pork chops, brocolli and rice side

S: blondie brownie

I can see the sweets sneaking back into my life, they will be restricted for awhile.

Tonight I am making a meat loaf to use a bell pepper I don't want to go bad, so I will cook it.

DH went shopping this morning so I won't have to do that.

May get a walk in before the rain returns. - DH said he tried to mow the back and got the tractor stuck in the mud....oh my!

Have a great Monday! IP


Oh, the girl said she wasn't going to go to the Early College High School because she wouldn't be able to stay in band. She is going to be the next musical instrumental genius you know /sarcasm/

I told DH and he is supposed to talk to her, but he told her he would support any decision she made. I did tell her she would have to apply for loans and grants, because we won't be able to afford all the college. She has until 5/15/19 to make her final decision. I just wish she would get more support at her mom's house. Oh well.

Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 05/07/2019:
Those sweets are really hard to keep out of one's life. Every day is a battle to be won.

I had a similar choice in high school to make, academics over band. The band director was a real jerk so that made the decision easier. Never played again. Band was probably the only thing that kept my daughter grounded in high school. I didn't realize what a hard time she had.

horn_of_plenty on 05/07/2019:
if the music is that important to her, maybe she wants to be a future band teacher? maybe then it's worth staying in the program. I do know that arts is a wonderful thing in schools.

if she goes to a community college for two years after hich school, it will still be relatively cheap, then she can transfer to college for the next two years.

innerpeace - Friday May 03, 2019

Weight: 333.1

I had to leave work yesterday with another migraine. I finally called the doctore and got some medication adjusted. I also opted to get the amivig shot, hoping this will help. I haven't  had so many migraines in a long while. I guess if the body gets immune to something, it just doesn't work as well.

I arrived late to work today, good thing, there may be five people in the office. It is a very overcast, foggy, damp day, I  should have just stayed home the entire day...but people needed things done!

Picked up the girl, the first thing she did was text someone. I asked how that person rated such a quick response? She had sent me a few songs and powerpoints over the weekend apologizing for not texting, but I stil wanted her to know I felt ignored. All those people texts do nothing for her and i do. It was just rude...anyway, hopefully we are past that, but this attitude she has, I swear to gawd girls suck!

On the way home, I told her we had to stop for gas. I cannot tell you the last time I got gas because DH gets me gas. Once at the pump, it reads begin fueling. I haven't even paid or swiped my credit card. I push cancel it reads cannot cancel transaction, so WTH! I pump my gas, at the same time there is a little girl on the other side yelling at the pump to turn on...turn on. So I tell her the cashier apparently put her money on my pump and I went in and paid $10 for her to get gas....that is what pumped in my car. Anyway, i got in the card and said..I hate getting gas. She makes this smart a$$ comment....'sorry for ya' I said well, if someone does something for you all the time and this one time doesn't...you really miss what someone does for you. She then does that motion with her hands like waaa waa cry baby...sorry for ya!  Oh ok, I'll show you what I mean, when we get home, the food is in the refrigerator, you can make your own dinner! Then she says...Oh, I don't cook, I'll just eat air! OMG I just want to strangle her!

On her last day of the week she is over, she takes her dirty luandry down stairs for the magic laundry fairy to do her laundry, this time she was running out the door and says, Oh I forgot my laundry, can you get it for me!! Oh...sorry for ya! Little heifer!

She was accepted into the Early College High School, where she can go to High school and at the same time take college courses, when she graduates high school in four years she will also have an associate's degree. This is the greatest thing ever, but then talking to her, she thinks she has changed her mind, because she won't be with her friends...yeah, well, let me tell you about "yo friends'.....we didn't get into that conversation, but I am thinking it. I will let DH handle this, I don't even want to be involved.

So now after having a headache for two days, I have to pick her up for the weekend. I have ear plugs.

We have a dog event planned with the two dogs Saturday morning and then through the vettix program, I was able to get tickets to the New Kids On the Block concert with Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and Naughty by Nature during the evening, not sure this is a wise thing, but we will see how I feel tomorrow. It's a barametric pressure thing with my headaches so hopefully that will be better with medication.

Food hasn't been good, last night I had a PB&J and gold fish for dinner

This morning after my appointment DH and I went to breakfast, I had two eggs, bacon and two pieces of French toast.

Tonight I am heating up teriaki chicken and fried rice we got from Sam's and brocolli.

And lastly I wish it would quit raining, it is supposed to rain for another week and I can't even walk through my yard without bogging down and the dogs track through the mud and grass and bring it into the hard wood floors. I have hundres of paw tracks through my family room and kitchen. Cute but NO!!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend! IP



Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 05/03/2019:
Aw....GIRLS!!! Their friends are of primo importance!!! Girls are just sassy.....It will pass eventually though. I hope she picks the college classes!!! We had the rain here too....and my sinuses are stuffed up....this kind of weather plays havoc with my head too...mild headache here for 3 days. Hope you feel better.

Horn_of_plenty on 05/04/2019:
that's amazing that she'll already have an associates just with high school! what an opportunity! i think she'd meet new friends and still get to talk to her old ones, even if they don't go to the same school? maybe some of her friends will join her at the associates degree high school? that's pretty amazing scchool!

Horn_of_plenty on 05/04/2019:
i hope you take the weekend to feel good ;)

Donkey on 05/04/2019:
I too hope that you can chill out over the weekend. Sounds like it has been a REALLY stressful week for you (((hugs)))

innerpeace - Wednesday May 01, 2019

Weight: 333.1

Another 1st....

Had a PTSD moment at work yesterday, I hate this. Someone was in the breakroom and put hot sauce on their lunch and the combination of smells took me back to the middle of Saudi Arabia, I'm always confused and amazed at the same time.  I had to leave and regroup and then I went back into the break room. The wonder of smells.

Had a moment (acutally it is ongoing) with the girl. So I have been staying up until midnight, at least, thinking I can wait until DH gets home, but I can't. Anyway last week on Thursday 4/25 I texted the girl about 11:45 (I didn't expect she would answer - because...sleep) and I told her Taylor Swift has a new song coming out at midnight and sent her the link for it. It was an email I received from the place I bought the TS tickets. Anyway, I stayed up and waiting and watched the vidio. It was cute, so I texted the video to the girl, thinking she would watch it the next moring.

I hear nothing from her all day, nor the entire weekend. I even texted - did you like the new song? No response.

So I ask DH why do you suppose she won't text me back? I mean you texted like 1500 times during the week and she won't even respond a simple yes or no...or thank you. Does she not know I pay the phone bill?  And this isn't the first time this has happened.

I do everything in my power to make sure that girl is happy and cared for and I don't even rank a freakin' text message. Yes, I was angry, I am still angry. This also happened when I wished her Happy Birthday back in December...no repsonse. Seriously? Yes, it is trivial, but just what if I needed to get in touch with her for an emergency concerning or dad or something....I hate kids.

So now, it is the day to go get her...I'm not sure I want to. I even asked her....so how many different people did you text and answer in the five seconds you had to text me to say yes or no? It's not about the texting people....it's about not being respected enough to get a reply...to acknowledge the fact I asked a question. I get the impression 'oh it's just the step-mom, she don't matter' I don't have to reply! over react much???Maybe, but like I said, this isn't the first time...and it's very, very rude and disrespectful.

Here's a big, big plate of depression I'm eating from...waiting for the med's to kick in and hoping I will feel better soon, maybe enough NOT to care so much!

DH made a crock pot full of ravioli and cheese - it was ok for one meal, but he acts like we're going to eat this all week. NO WAY!

B: toast with pecan, apply butter

L: PB&J with 2 cuties

S: belvita and yogurt


It is supposed to be close to 80 when I get off work, hoping to walk the pupper and doggo around the block.

Have a great day!! and Happy May Day!

Progress as of today: -11.5 lbs lost so far, only 123.1 lbs to go!

legcramps on 05/01/2019:
I'm so sorry this is happening again with the girl - it seems things are okay sometimes and then something happens and it's a roller coaster again! I guess that's how it is with kids, huh? Chin up - take the high road, continue to care for her as well as you can. Maybe one day she will realize everything you do for her and be a little more grateful for it. Until then - just keep on doing what you're doing, being a kind, caring and compassionate person!

innerpeace on 05/02/2019:
Thank you.

Donkey on 05/02/2019:
I completely get how smells can take you back to anywhere, anytime, like that. I'm so sorry... Stupid question but have you tried therapy to help you disassociate from these triggers? Just wondering if you had and what your thoughts were. I've had cognitive therapy for PTSD relating to a car accident... it helped me get back to driving, but I still have issues.

That's really unfortunate about the girl. I guess keep trying, but keep your expectations really low. Much lower than they are now. Can't go wrong with kindness, even if you get no response.

innerpeace on 05/02/2019:
Yes I have had several types of therapy, but one can never prepare for hot sauce on a frozen dinner smell. I may try hypnosis next. Thanks

Horn_of_plenty on 05/03/2019:
with girlie, ask her to simply text back so that you know she's ok. be up front.

remember, you cannot expect all people to respond as you do. i have this same problem myself with texting certain family members.

also, if she was sleeping, she may have not had time to answer in the morning, and simply forgot as the day went on.

if you want her to respond right away, try to remind her that if she sees a text from you, she should let you know she got it...like send a smiley face or something so you know she has received your message. she's still a kid and not always thinking like an adult ;)

innerpeace on 05/03/2019:
Oh she had the benefit of the doubt...she just didn't! Matter-of-fact when she got in the car when I picked her up on Wednesday, the first thing she did was answer a text.

I asked, so how did that person rate such a quick response? I asked her why she didn't response. She says I don't know.

We had this conversation back in December, when I text her Happy Birthday, not once or twice, but maybe three times and I sent cute emojis and pictures and said have a great day! She didn't say thank you, OK, I'm busy, go to hell, she just didn't do anything!! You just don't do that to people!!

And then she did it again, I told her I do more for her than any of those friends she is so quick to text all I wanted was a thank you or a yes or a no. I pay the phone bill and she can't take five seconds out of her precious time to answer a freakin' text!! I/we are trying to raise her better. OMG!! she knows, she is just a selfish person right now!

And I know she's thinking like a kid - a kid who texted 1455 times last month, however, cannot text me one time...COME ON!! I told her I'm turning that stupid thing off!

horn_of_plenty on 05/03/2019:
maybe she's just trying to get your attention? either way, yeah, that's selfish of girlie!

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