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innerpeace - Tuesday Apr 02, 2019

Weight: 333.9

Day 1

So disgusted with myself. I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 335.1. I was so astounded so I stepped off and stepped back on - 333.9. Again, I stepped back off and stepped back on - 333.9. Ok, I will go with 333.9. I am so totally going in the wrong direction.

I have dreams and goals, but I'm too week to keep them. (From Cathy - comic strip)

Today's breakfast -


iced vanilla latte, milk, English muffin with butter

Lunch: - Baseball opening day luncheon (my idea - kicking myself in the arse)

1 bratwurst, 1 hot dog, 2 buns, relish, catsup, mustard, handful of chips and French onion dip


pork schnitzel cutlet with gravy, cheddar bay biscuit

 Ended the day with 1829 calories, high for me!

Visited son in Georgia. He is angry and in a rut, I wish I could help him more. I enjoyed seeing him though.

Took dogs, added to stress - but they were happy to NOT be at a kennel. or with a stranger.

 The girl hated it, I think she was jealous of my son getting all the attention. She was sick and mopey until we were doing things she wanted to do. I hate this about her selfish self. And then her pants didn't fit right and she had to make a big to do over that! UGH.

Rental got a flat and I had to pay for that....

Vacay was just so so.

Kinda glad to be home.

Walked Steve around the block, I was going to walk Rocco, but he escaped out of the fence and was running through the back pasture. I yelled for him to come back, but he looks at me like I'm stupid and takes off again. I leave him. And then the fool dog was sitting on the back of the sofa barking at Steve and I walking up the sidewalk when we get home.

Progress as of today: -12.3 lbs lost so far, only 123.9 lbs to go!

thinkpositive on 04/02/2019:
Hey opening day baseball deserves a celebration! It sounds like you are ready to make some changes. I am too.

Donkey on 04/03/2019:
Potato chips are one of my trigger foods. "Can't eat just one!"

Horn_of_plenty on 04/04/2019:
Hi InnerP! I've been meaning to write on your journal earlier, but this month is a bit cramped for me! ;) and i'm all over the place!

First, you are being SO HARD on yourself!!!! InnerP, you have so much to offer to everyone and yourself, please don't feel the need to be "disgusted!" You are treating yourself and your body worse than you treat anyone! Worse than possibly anyone would treat you! Of course you know the saying that we are our worst critics!?

I'm glad girlie joined you for the trip. Typical teenager not wanting to do anything, but, it's great she wasn't home :) better to go on adventures with you! Learn to see how others live and other towns !!

Sorry your son is feeling bad but i'm glad you were able to visit him. I'm sure he is thankful you came. Maybe he needs therapy or low dose of anti-depressants? I'd recommend therapy first.

Welcome home. Try to include more veggies with your meals :) remember, love yourself and all you do...you have the power to change within yourself.

innerpeace - Tuesday Mar 19, 2019

Weight: 0.0

DH smoked meats over the weekend. The YA gave DH a turkey breast and he smoked that and a pork roast and a smaller full turkey. Turkey is not my favorite. DH sliced up the turkey breast and added cheese and panko and heated it in the over for dinner. It was just OK, I didn't really care for it, but I didn't have to make it, so that makes it taste better.

I used the left overs and made turkey salad out of it, the pickle relish and light mayo helped this out considerable. I would never eat turkey again and I don't think this would phase me.

The first night of the week DH goes back to work is noticed...by me and the dogs. I turn on the radio to drown out the outside noise that will make them bark and run up and down the stairs. This was after the radio went off, they barked and barked and took turns running outside. DH gets home and they bark some more. I think he comes to bed after 1:30 - almost 2:00. The fire alarm goes off at 3:30. It wakes me up, DH doesn't here it. I go downstairs and see that the electricity is turned off. The fire alarm is wired to the house electric and the battery was low, so it went off. DH made it stop buzzing. I reported the outage and was told it would be fixed by 6:30...it wasn't.

I called work and told them I would be late. I had dreams of property inventory and not getting work done. The new time for repair was 8:30.

My message of coming in late was not given to my boss and he texts asking if I was OK. touched...I told him I had electricity problems and I would be in shortly.

The house was cold now and it was hard taking a shower. The electric came back on just as I was leaving to come to works...someone this didn't surprise me.

Got into a little tiff at work with someone. He asks me for account numbers for our electricity accounts for work. I ask him why. He says there is another meter outside that he doesn't know who it belongs too, but one of our buildings is hooked into that meter and not one of ours. Well this is just wrong to me and I want to call and find out who the meter belongs too. He says, this isn't your business. I just wanted to know what our account numbers are, you gave them, so mind your business.

Wow, just wow! I hate shady business doings and I told him about it. I told him I don't do lying and cheating and if something was amiss, we need to make it right. He again told me, I am just doing what I was told and I don't want you to get too much involved and/or know too much to get anyone else into trouble. Whatever, he said the person who hooked the building electricity up didn't know there was more than one meter and he is long gone from our office. Regardless if you know something shouldn't be happening I still want to make it right. The whole thing ended up being, someone back in his shop cut a lock they weren't supposed to, to open the meter, and that is why they don't want to call right at this moment. The situation is crap and now I wish I didn't know anything about it. I will see how this pans out in the end...but it'sn not my business.

Looking forward to warmer weather.

Have a great evening. IP


Horn_of_plenty on 03/20/2019:
i guess you find turkey dry would be my guess?

I like a roasted turkey...wish i could have tasted your smoked one as i LOVE the taste of smoked food!

you know, if i were you, don't let that work situation phase you. you are out of it. sometimes it's better just to give the info and not as questions. then, when there is a problem later bc of shady stuff, you won't get blamed. i wouldn't let it bother you in the least. just concentrate on your other involvements like at home with DH :) work is work.

legcramps on 03/20/2019:
Ugh, that sounds like a rotten sleep. One thing after another. And then a bad day at work on top of it all. I would be upset about the work situation too, I completely understand. I hate shady dealings.

Donkey on 03/21/2019:
I'm not a big fan of turkey either.

happy-1 on 03/27/2019:
Hugs. I feel like your house must be like the meat counter at Hometown buffet and it sounds delicious.

innerpeace - Monday Mar 18, 2019

Weight: 0.0

Oh the weekend, was so sad to see you go.

Saturday, I got out of the house on my own, this rarely or never happens. I was trying to find a few new tops for our road trip at the end of the month. I walked through several stores and couldn't find anything I liked. It seemed like the clothes were either old womanish looking (now I may be 50, but I don't feel like an old woman) or too young looking. I just wasn't happy with the selections. After three stores I got frustrated and quit looking. Instead I started looking for 10x13 picture frames for pictures of the kids. Again, I hit up about three different stores and couldn't find anything I really wanted - really, really disappointed in Target...but that is another story.

Finally, I went to the grocery store and picked up the few items I needed and I was hell bent on not going home without a purchase. So I went to the Jo-Ann store and I did find some picture frames that were 40% off so I bought them. DH was irked because he send me a link from Amazon with three frames for $33 something...yes, but I wanted them now, I didn't want to wait until Amazon got around to ship them. It was a nice little outing but I'm really not a shopper and was glad to get home.

Sunday, laundry day. I was also on a mission to clean the inside glass on my stove door. This was a learning process and after watching two you tube videos about taking my oven door apart, I finally got this accomplished and I was very satisfied with the result. Now there is no grease trail running down the inside glass. DH did have to help me put the stove door back on, it is heavier than I thought, but mission accomplished.

We did eat Chinese food Saturday and left overs on Sunday, I think I'm pretty much finished with Chinese food for awhile.

Rocco got sick last night on the comforter, so I will be washing bed clothes tonight,  I was going to Kohl's to look for the tops I wanted, I usually find something there. so busy after work.

Food has been ok, trying to cut back on the sugar.

Crazy dreams with laundry and Caroll O'Conner (Archie Bunker) and war on the beaches of Normandy - WTF is going on in my brain???


horn_of_plenty on 03/18/2019:
And usually Target has like everything! So sad it didn't have you covered!

oh...i also have to clean my stove! Did you do it using vinegar solution?

wow...i couldn't make up your dream if i tried...Too much info indeed going on! that's good...means your brain works! LOL

legcramps on 03/18/2019:
Sounds like a great weekend! That is definitely a crazy dream! LOL!

Donkey on 03/19/2019:
That's too bad about Target, but I know what it feels like to be disappointed by a store.

Donkey on 03/19/2019:
Wasn't Caroll O'Connor in movie The Longest Day? I loved that movie. Maybe I'm thinking Rod Steiger... I think I'm thinking of Kelly's Heroes.

innerpeace on 03/19/2019:
I don't know. I just remember him being Archie Bunker and in The Heat of the Night.

Donkey on 03/19/2019:
I'm still stuck on one of your entries from a couple of days ago, where you thought that your phone was spying on you because of the butt-itch topic. I was thinking, to test your theory, you should go around saying "testicular cancer" once an hour, and see if that topic doesn't come up on health app thing soon.

innerpeace on 03/19/2019:
I'm going to...I'll let you know what happens.

innerpeace - Thursday Mar 14, 2019

Weight: 0.0

Thngs are going ok i guess.

Last night I made two pies for PIE DAY at work. Seriously??? I made cream cheesey pies. I licked the bowl and beaters. This morning I felt like I was ran over by a truck, probably from all the sugar. Woke up with a pounding headache too.

The girl is over tonight and I think I'm making Shepherd's Pie, but I haven't quite talked myself into that yet.

Rocco went to the vet for his second round of shots, DH said he did ok.

I did eat pie at work.

stupid pie!

butt is better. shin is better, not as sensitive.


horn_of_plenty on 03/14/2019:
i'm so glad you are feeling better on your butt and shin!

listen, if you are making pie and bringing it to work, i think most people are going to eat it including you!? i think i'd do the same!!!!!!

innerpeace - Tuesday Mar 12, 2019

Weight: 0.0

I have issues...these are issues I don't normally share with anyone, but this morning when I woke up a 3:30, DH was up and I told him. And you guys are lucky because you are going to know too. It's not something pleasant and it is the most awful thing I have ever in my life experienced. I think I have a hemmorhoid. OMG it woke me up this morning itching. DH asked me why I was up and I said because my butt itched. He kind of chuckled. I tried to get back to sleep but the alarm went off at 4:30 and I did Zumba this morning. It was a start of somthing. My arms are a little achy.

I started this exercise thing back up because there is a place on my shin that is senstive to touch, it stings and burns and is just uncomfortable. I had it tested for nerve damage, they said no, but i really disagree. I think it is skin damage or nerve damage from wearing combat boots for 20 years. It is just on my left leg, right where my boots would stop. Anyway, of course they say exercise will help the stinging and burning, and the losing of all the weight.

So the crazy thing about all this is...after I showered I was laying across my bed and I grabbed my phone and was checking/deleting email. I had an email from Health Guide telling me 7 reasons why you scratch your butt!! Seriously??? Is this stuff for real? Now I'm thinking my smart phone is spying on me.

My son got his PCS orders to go to Hawaii in August, so I am extra glad I will be visiting him in two weeks. Looking forward to this little road trip.

Next trip is the end of July/beginning of August and DH and the girl wanted to go to Nashville. I have been a couple of times before so I hope they enjoy the trip.

Anyway, besides being freaked out about this morning's email, things are going OK.

I may be back regular now, nothing on the burner per se for awhile.

Have a great night! IP

Horn_of_plenty on 03/12/2019:
just wanted to say thank you for posting...and i hope your butt is feeling a little better...def check that if you need to! ...i will write more, but, trying to fit in exercise now!

horn_of_plenty on 03/13/2019:
the shin pain can be from too much exercise at a time....any pain, rest until you feel better and do less the next time.

i am also dealing with slight minor pains, i was doing too much in the walking category and have tired out my legs / left ankle to the point of needed to rest!

oh now i read more of the shin pain, i'm sorry to hear it's an ongoing issue.

Great you will go and see your son! GREAT PLACES he'll be. i hope you get to visit them all, especially Hawaii.

i gotta say, Hawaii is best to go to get a break out of a cold winter or late fall or early spring (like now!)

innerpeace on 03/14/2019:
I lived in Hawaii for three years. I don't think I will ever go back.

innerpeace - Tuesday Feb 19, 2019

Weight: 0.0

The heater was fixed with a replaced igniter switch. House temperature was back to normal by the time I got home on Thursday. I talked to my mom and she is doing well had a great day doing what she likes to do, which is playing bingo and walking through thrift stores. She turned 74.

DH and I had a delightfully relaxing weekend. DH works 60-70 hours a week and he slept off and on all day Saturday. I was really OK with this, I got a few naps in as well.

Saturday night we ordered Chinese food (Beef & Brocolli, General Tso chicken, peanut chicken and a combination with (pork, chicken and shrimp). I had a few spoons of each of these with minimal rice.

Sunday the usual, I washed clothes and finally got all my clothes moved from the armoire to the new dresser. I donated some and tossed some. We had left over Chinese food for a late lunch and then about 6:30 I had a bowl of cereal.

Over all the weekend was good on the food, I never went over the 1500 calorie mark.

Monday, I woke up and went to my dental appointment. I had a cavity in one tooth, and now I have three new fillings. I don't remember discussing this with my dentist, but when the right side of my mouth was numb and the cavity being filled, he just went ahead and replaced to silver amalgum fillings in two teeth right next to the one with the cavity. I just don't remember talking about doing this and will not be happy when I get billed for the replaced fillings. This whole process my have taken 30 minutes, I can only imagine the hundreds of $$$ he will bill to my insurance.

While I was getting my teeth filled, DH went to pick up his Sam's club order and went to Aldi for a few things and picked me up on his way home.

All is good today for a Monday/Tuesday.

Have a great night!

Horn_of_plenty on 02/19/2019:
It sounds like you had a good weekend especially taking a nap! Nothing better when you are tired and want one on the weekend!

I think i'll follow your lead and next weekend i'll stay home a bit more, too.

Chinese dishes sound so tasty! Nice job sticking to your calories!

I'd have been annoyed for SURE if a dentist didn't tell me what he was going to do before doing it! that is SO WRONG, indeed!

with the filling replacements, are they replaced with WHITE color or silver again?

I'm glad you are back home and back to being WARM! :)

Donkey on 02/20/2019:
Sounds like you're working a good plan!

innerpeace - Thursday Feb 14, 2019

Weight: 0.0

I made dinner...

chili cheese tots, home made version which I made with fat free chili and low fat cheese. Ended the day with 1488 calories. I'm ok with this.

DH gets home by 10:30 so we are in bed by 11:00, just to be back awake about 2:00 because it was cold. I usually sleep with the fan on, but this was unusual cold. I got up to turn the fan on and snuggled back into the covers with the two dogs and DH. At 5:30 when I got up for work it was frigid, especialy when I got out of the shower.

DH went and checked the furnace, it was not coming on, the breaker box wasn't tripped. DH changed the filer but didn't know of anything else to do, so we called the repair man. It was 58 in the house. The repair man at first said he couldn't get over until tomorrow, but made it over by 9:30. DH was happy, as he is usually at home until 12:00 when he goes to work. He did start a fire this morning to take the chill out of the house while we were eating breakfast.

B: Carnationa instant breakfast with PB fit.

S: belvita

L: left over chili cheese tots, clementines

S: balanced breaks.

D: white chicken chili, DH put this together before I left for work and the girl likes it so he made this. Maybe got the idea from my chili cheese tots. i don't know, can you ever eat enough chili?

Today is my mom's birthday, I will call her later.

The girl who gave me chocoloate every day, brought a red velvet cake to work. I called her Satan, in jest of course. I will have to go in the breakroom and eat up my lunch. I am digging deep down for the will power to just walk away.

Hope you all have an enjoyable Valentine's Evening.

Donkey on 02/14/2019:
I hear you on willpower. Oh my goodness, I think today is the worst struggle yet. I can't believe how addicted I am to sugar.

Horn_of_plenty on 02/14/2019:
Chili Cheese Tots = YUM! what a cool dish! I'd like it, with a salad :) sounds very tasty, your meal!

I'm glad he did something to make your home more bareable! that is cold inside for a home! let us know what happens with your boiler...

chili is good, so is the idea for white chicken chili! i like some real meat with the chili, makes it more satisfying!

Happy Bday to your mom! what a fun day to have it!

it's ok to have a few bites of the cake. a few bites is moderate :)

enjoy your day!

Horn_of_plenty on 02/14/2019:
oh, how old is your mom today?

legcramps on 02/15/2019:
Oh boy! Stay warm!

innerpeace - Wednesday Feb 13, 2019

Weight: 0.0

Tuesday was a good day for a Tuesday.

I picked up the girl and get home. Cooked dinner, unloaded the dishwasher.


Loaded the dishwaher and prepared lunch for today.

Puppy didn't have an accident.

D: 5 oz salisbury steak patty (Hamburger meat with seasoning) mushroom and onions with onion gravy, 3/4 cup of mashed potatos and brocolli.

I did eat another package of Belvita because I got hungry about 7:30. The girl left at 8:00.

Finished the day with 1387 calories.

DH said he was working late, so I go to bed about 11:10, only to get back up because of...skunk! The two dogs ran in from outside along with skunk. I grabbed them because I didn't know which one was sprayed. It wasn't the puppy so I let him down, I gave Steve a bath...but I actually don't think he was sprayed either. The smell eventually went away, so it must of just blown into the house when they ran in. I didn't smell it this morning either AND I have a clean dog. With all the shenanigans I didn't get back to bed until about 1:20, so a bit tired this morning.

Had a pretty big project this morning and I have a few things to do today. Just hoping I can work again next week.

B: Carnation instant breaktast with PBFit and banana

L: left over salisbury steak, mashed potatos

S: belvita and clemintines (at seperate times)

D: TBD -

Have a great evening! IP

horn_of_plenty on 02/13/2019:
it does sound that there will not be another government shutdown...i wonder what will happen with agreeing on who will fund the wall!

innerpeace on 02/14/2019:
no just the breakfast drink and PB fit, I ate the banana on the side.

SilverySparkles on 02/13/2019:
Lucky that the skunk didn't run in too.

horn_of_plenty on 02/13/2019:
your breakfast sounds VERY GOOD!

nice idea to add some pb fit to it. did you blend it all including the banana?

legcramps on 02/14/2019:
Oh boy! I'm sorry to hear you didn't get much sleep; hopefully you'll be able to get in a early bedtime tonight and catch up a little bit.

innerpeace - Tuesday Feb 12, 2019

Weight: 0.0

Monday was...well Monday. I hate being the the one to call vendors and telling them...we didn't pay our bill due to the fulough, please don't disconnect our service. The government is a big bully and shouldn't be given any special consideration because bills weren't paid because adults are being childness in political positions.  They all make me sick!

Monday was...great on the food side. I ended the day with 1382 calories. I didn't move around as planned, will have to work on this activity. Morning is by far the easiest for me to do activity/exercise, just have to wake up early enough, today...I overslept about 30 minutes (I seem to get the best sleep in 9 minute snooze intervals.

Today I am feeling bloated and gassy..must be all the vegetables I ate yesterday.

B: carnation instant breakfast, 1 cup of milk and 1TBSP of PB fit, banana

S: Belvita

L: Spring mix salad greens, carrot, tomato, broiled chicken and 2 TBSP shredded cheese, 2 TBSP ranch dressing and grapes.

D: salisbury steak, salad, mashed potatos, (brocolli or brussel sprouts) this is what the girl wanted for dinner and I can make it work for me.

A lady at work always gave me Ghiraradelli chocolate, at least two pieces a day. This day...Tuesday February 12, 2019...I told her no thank you. That I apapreciate her offer, but she mustn't bring me chocolate anymore. She then asked how can she support me....just don't offer me chocolate anymore. So we have terms now....

Have a great evening!! IP

 Where is BearCountryGG? Did I miss something? I miss reading her posts.



SilverySparkles on 02/12/2019:
It's good you could stop the chocolate gifts.

horn_of_plenty on 02/12/2019:
my mom loves those Belvita crackers....i can't do them...they don't keep me satisfied for long but they do taste nice!

legcramps on 02/13/2019:
Nice that she is wanting to support you - you don't always find that kind of support in an office setting.

I believe BearCountryGG went offline for a while.

innerpeace - Monday Feb 11, 2019

Weight: 0.0

There are just no words to express my sadness and disappointment today.

Friday I picked up the girl and we decorated for DH's birthday. I cooked chicken and brocolli alfredo, it was good. DH got home and didn't even eat the alfredo he had cake instead.

Saturday we get up and go to our string craft I had signed us up for. I loved it. The girl was ok and DH could take it or leave it. We go home and wait for the dining room chairs to be delivered. After delivery we take the girl to her grandma's house and DH and I go to the Big Home and Garden Show that is out by the airport - close to where I work.

It was big and overwhelming, lots of people and hot. We went to buy a knife to add to our Cutco collection and also it was a gift for DH. We walked around a couple of hours and decided to leave, as we were still going to go out to eat for DH's birthday. On the way out, I had another PTSD episode when a blast of jet fuel  assaulted my nostrils. I just dropped down and covered my head. This smell took me back to a place/places I just cannot tolerate thinking about right now! I was eventually ok when it passed, about three minutes, but it sure seems like an eternity.

We pick up the girl and DH decides he wants to eat at Red Robin. I ate like a starving pig. We shared onion rings, I had a Southern charm  byrger that had 1220 calories, I ate half of it. I had the sweet potatoe fries (also half) and because that just wasn't enough I ordered the salted carmel milkshake - but again, I split this with DH. We go home and unwind...walk the dogs and watch TV.

Sunday - DH and the girl go shopping and I washed the clothes. DH brought home pizza for lunch. I just had the fat/weight/eating better converation with him yesterday. I had my left over burger for dinner. I told him he can eat what he wants, but I have got to get my weight under control. I am uncomfortable, almost miserable.

So after I enjoyed all this food over the weekend, my scale doesn't hide a thing. Today I am heavier than I have EVER been and I just refuse to get any heavier. 331.3 Unbelievable. I disgust myself.

And then when I get to work today, I am told one of people I went to the conference with back in August was killed in a car accident. This is so very sad to me and reminds me that tomorrow is not guaranteed.

But all I can do is start over and keep trying so I've admitted not actively working a program over the past few months...today is day 1.

B: High Protein carnation instant breakfast, 1 cup of milk, banana -340

L: small salad with mixed greens, tomato and carrots with 1 TBSP of ranch dressing (yes I mesaured this tablespoon). 1 hard boiled egg and egg white- 244

S: balanced breaks, grapes - 284

D: broiled chicken, brocolli and salad  is scheduled.

If I survive the day, I will try to do a zumba video or something with activity (more than what I have done in the last 3 months) at my house.

Yes, Yes, i definately have issues.

Have a great day! IP


thinkpositive on 02/11/2019:
I suppose it doesn’t help to know that we have all had days like yours but that is true. All we can do is get back on track - whatever that means to you. It sounds like you have done that. It just takes one day at a time, I wish you the best.

SilverySparkles on 02/11/2019:
You got through it, I'm sure it was difficult. Deciding to work on an eating program will help.

horn_of_plenty on 02/11/2019:
you have a habit of self negativity and when you are upset, you eat, then get more upset.

try to work on yourself emotionally. you are a good person. you give so much and do so much.

do you run around to too many activities which fuels overeating? for me, if i kept a schedule like yours, i wouldn't handle it every weekend bc for me i like some time at home. but we are different people, so what works for me may not work for you :)

don't hate yourself for making mistakes or not the best food choices. try to learn from it, but do not learn to keep hating yourself. you are a good person. a smart person! people rely on you at work and home.

you see, they rely and trust you....now you just have to trust you!

Donkey on 02/12/2019:
I think reaching my highest non-pregnancy weight is what got me started this last time around as well.

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