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innerpeace - Wednesday Mar 01, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

I couldn't get up this morning to walk, but the day is not over and I will get it in before I go to bed tonight, this is for certain.

I started off saying I would diet, and I walk into the break room to get my fruit salad for breakfast and there is this chocolate cake, souffle, chocolate pudding type thing on the table, sitting there screaming, eat me! Eat me! So instead of getting my fruit salad I had a spoonful of the yummy, chocolately stuff....not one but two.

I have issues with people. I had every intention to go to water aerobics, but I couldn't get out of the car. The terror is so real to me. I sat there and told myself I would get out of the car, but I couldn't. I watched people come and go and I just couldn't bring myself to get out. I could feel my heart start beating really fast and my hands were shaking and I broke out in a cold sweat. I just couldn't make myself get out of the car. It was awful. I then said I would just go home and walk, but i didn't, I went to my mom's house, but she wasn't there. I just went home and read my book.

Today at lunch, I was going to go walk at the lake, which is a couple mile from my office. I was going to walk for 30-40 minutes and then come back. I wasn't scared of this, I just got there and wanted to read my book, while I watched everyone else walk. I am so pathetic.

I have to work at the bank tonight, so I know my excuse tonight will be that I am too tired.

I will get this thing under control. I will, I will.

Yall have a nice day.


Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 95 lbs to go!

monet0239 on 03/01/2006:
hello there..:O).. I know how you feel sweetie.. expecially if you were all by yourself.. I am not one to do anything by myself.. but grocery shop..lol.. go figure.. but something like water arobics.. I would have done the same thing.. and you know what.. thats ok.. might just be a weight thing.. might not be.. even if I was a skinny thing, I dont think I could go alone.. but .. you do need to do some kind of exercise hun and I hope you get yourself in the mood to do so.. it will help you.. I have been walking on a treadmill.. one reason.. I live in the country.. I could go to the town park.. but.. like you.. I dont want to go alone.. :(.. do ya like to dance? I do.. and when I loose some weight I will start that up again.. It helps to find someting you enjoy.. (beside reading eheheh ).. I love to read as well.. Danielle Steal , shes my fav..I'm a romance junky.. but if I am at home.. I tell myself.. exercise first before reading. Might help for you..

Good luck sweetie.. we are hear for ya.. hugssss

bunny_girl on 03/02/2006:
Going to a pool alone would scare the heck out of me too!! Totally normal I think...probably a parking lot full of people who didn't go in! ;-) as for the walk at lunch...well hey you got all the way to the lake! That's like half the battle!! I'm sure you'll do it next time no prob. Good luck!!

borntocry on 03/02/2006:
Hi InnerPeace,

bunny_girl is right. I think many people would have a problem with water aerobics. Until about a year ago, I hadn't appeared in a swimsuit in public since I was seven years old. I used to swim like a fish then, and now I can't even keep afloat. They say you can't forget how to swim - well, it's not true!

Not only that, but even when I started running, I was so embarrassed and afraid to be out like that in public that I often went all the way to the sports complex and then just turned around and went home. I just couldn't face the people. It's a big problem for me too, so I don't really know what to tell you. But when I get those fearful feelings I try to just keep telling myself that all those people suck, that I don't care what they think, that I'm not going to let them ruin my day. If I keep telling myself that, it does help a little.

Good luck!

innerpeace - Monday Feb 27, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

Had a great weekend. Saturday we went to the OU basketball game and met a group of my friends, there are 13 ladies, and ate dinner at PF Chang's. Very good Chinese food there. Afterwards we went to one of the ladies house and played cards and bingo. The bingo prizes were the little bottles of liquor you get on airplanes. It was so fun. We are practicing for our old age. One of the girls is going to Florida to meet an on-line friend, believe me we discussed all the possible things that could happen and go wrong. She is going the end of March, she said she pushed it back to then so she could try to lose 10 pounds. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous, matter-of-fact I was thinking, 'Man, I would love to look like she looks' My green envy monster showing up..(I have several different monsters) and then she's saying she wants to lose 10 pounds. I guess everyone has their weight they are comfortable at, or a weight where they can look in the mirror and like what they see.

Sunday we went to the Library's annual book sale, picked up some very nice books for .25, .50 & $1.00 a piece and then we went to the Civic Center and listened to a story teller. I washed my car, went to Kohl's, looking for a swim suit to do water aerobics in, but they didn't have any in my size. I fixed my friend's VCR/Cable/DVD/TV hookup so she could record and then I went to the grocery store of course I had to wash clothes and clean up the house.

It was a pleasant weekend. Today, I actually got up to exercise. I didn't do much, but it's a start. There's a great commerical I can't remember what is is actually advertising, but it shows a lady going into a gym, but then she comes right back out of revolving doors and then it says you have to take baby steps. Well today I took my first baby step, after I got up and turned of the alarm and climbed back in bed, I was still awake and said 'self, you are awake, just get up and do someting'. I did the WATP 1 mile tape, I stepped on the cat twice. I was kicking and he thought I was playing and then when I stepped he was just in the way. The second time it happened, I yelled...move you stupid cat but he just lies right down in my exercise path and I have to push him out of the way. I think it lasted 15 minutes, but I have to gradually get back into exercising.

I know working two jobs is wearing me down, heck I slept most of the day Saturday, and if it wasn't for tickets to the bb game, then I probably would have slept more. Sunday Tomorrow I have plans to do my 2 mile WATP and my water aerobics in the evening, Tuesday night is my only night off from my second job and I guess I'll just have to wear my old bathing suit. I wanted one with shorts on the bottom, because my thighs are so big....but I'm not going to complain, I'll just wear the one have.

Hope you all have a great day! IP

I read this in the Parade magazine "I hope all your sleepless nights are caused by starry skies" Marilyn Vos Savant

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 95 lbs to go!

innerpeace - Friday Feb 24, 2006
(Whatever works)
Weight: 261.0

OMG I cant believe it has been forever since I have put a journal entry here. I started a diet and lost 20 pounds. But then I lost my job and went on numerous interviews, only to be denied a job. What a freakin morale buster that is. First they laugh in your face, then they ask when you can start and then they say how wonderful your qualifications are, but I never once got a call back or job offer. I know it has to do with my appearance, I know it, I know it!! So anyway, surprisingly I was offered a job, havent decided if I like it or not but it gives me a paycheck so I guess I may stay for awhile.

And then, stupid Sonic comes out with a Sweetheart blast and I have one and then I have another and I think I ate one everyday day for a week and a half. I had to say. Come on Jo Ann, are ya trying to kill yourself? But I know it (food) is my drug of choice. I love food, I love chocolate and candy and all things sweet and creamy and I am an ADDICT! I think I would rather scrape the taste buds off of my tongue than deal with my weight problem.

I have gym membership but I am ashamed to go, I just know everyone is watching me. I cant get up in the morning to go, because I cant get my fat ass out of the bed. I set my alarm in another room. I got out of bed, turned of the alarm and climbed right back in and slept. I was even saying Jo Ann you got up out of bed, at least do something..walk away the pounds, tae bo or something But no, the bed won this argument by saying, remember how soft and warm I am. You Bet!! Crawled right back in and slept for another hour. I have plans though, great plans and come March 1, 2006 I will implement them. Right now, Im psyching myself up!

I hope you all have a great weekend. IP

Short term goal: I will be 39 on July 28, so I would like to lose 39 pounds by then..more would be great.

innerpeace - Monday Nov 07, 2005

Weight: 0.0

innerpeace - Monday Nov 07, 2005

Weight: 0.0

innerpeace - Tuesday Aug 23, 2005

Weight: 0.0

innerpeace - Friday Jan 14, 2005

Weight: 270.0

Just came back from the store stocking up for my life journey. What they say is true...everything you need is on the sides and back of the supermarket. I had to go down two aisles one get some wheat bread and the other for some rice. Everything else was in the fruit/vegtable area and the meat area.

I'm kinda nervous about starting this because I want IT so bad and I don't want to let myself down...and I know how hard it will be. Here's to tomorrow and all the next days to come.

innerpeace - Thursday Jan 13, 2005

Weight: 270.0

I�d rather not say!

What the hell is that, some cop out, lame ass phrase someone came up with? Anyway, I put my profile and name out on a personals page and was talking to someone. My profile distinctly says, hey, I�m not Barbie or some hot babe, cover girl model and if that�s what you are looking for drive on! Or basically don�t waste my time. So once I post my picture our communication was closed with the reason �I�d rather not say�. Well you my friend were not God�s gift to women with your big ass nose and pock marked face. Men are so shallow; I swear to God, I�ll hate them for the rest of my life.

That little phrase reminds me of �Results not typical� so it all depends on how hard you work and hard bad you want it! It being the mystical question of life. What is IT? How do you go about getting IT? Can you buy IT in the store or find IT at the corner market? Well after watching the finale of �The Biggest Loser� and talking myself out of sending my application to appear on the show I decided to take my IT into my own hands. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. My IT is to lose weight, to try IT again and see just how bad I want IT. So I recruited my best friend and will begin IT on January 15, 2005. I have to psyche myself up and prepare for the monumentous event. I have decided to start the Hilton Head Metabolism Diet again. I have been on this before (low fat, low calorie diet) and lost about 40 pounds and IT does work, you just have to stay with IT. I have a schedule to keep or an agenda per se. Friday (payday) � go to store and purchase items on shopping list. Saturday � I talked my friend into taking before photos of me and I must admit she has got to be a true friend to even consider seeing me in my underwear. God Bless her soul. Saturday is the official start day. Because I am off work for three days and won�t feel the pressure of everyone at work asking me if I�m going upstairs to eat in the cafeteria. NO. That will give me time to prepare my lunch for Tuesday and not have to worry about what I will say to my saboteurs at work. I will have plenty of time to utilize one or many of my dust collectors in my garage: crossbow, elliptical trainer and treadmill along with the collection of videos and DVDs: Taibo, Sweatin� to the Oldies, Walk away the pounds, Pilates and Power 90 that I have spent many precious dollars on. So this is IT, this is my time and I have accepted my assignment with intestinal fortitude, I need no TV show or national audience when I can do this on my own for me. Anyway, I will post on here as often as I can; I am busier at work than usual. I hope you all have many great successes. Jo Ann

TheMother on 01/13/2005:
Loved your entry!!!! It made me laugh but also think. I agree wholeheartedly with what you've said about IT and trying to answer the age-old question as to what "IT" is. Here's to your success in finding IT - one day at a time. Look forward to reading your posts and following your progress.


stringbean on 01/13/2005:
Sounds like you have a plan! lol about your friend taking pics of you in your underwear... you're braver than I am! (I wouldn't shoot down any friends asking me, but I wouldn't be the asker!)

Good luck in your journey! Sounds like you want IT pretty bad!


feeleebubs on 01/13/2005:
Grrrr...men are real twits. You're better than that Jo Ann. You will definately do this. I can see that. Best of luck to you! I know you'll do great if you stick with it and don't let twits like that guy get you down.

innerpeace - Thursday Oct 28, 2004
(Weight Watchers)
Weight: 270.0

Hi all, though I can�t find time to write in my diary very often, I still constantly struggle with my weight. One of these days I�ll actually get serious about shedding some pounds. Today, um, let�s see I want to lose weight because I want to go to my son�s high school graduation next year and actually look great. The fact that I will probably have to see my ex-husband has absolutely nothing to do with it. Yeah right!

We got word, at my bank, that our services will not longer be needed effective 1 October next year. Thanks to technology and the new Check 21 bill that became effective today the check writing volume as declined so much that all little city volume will be directed to larger cities. Our volume will be going all the way to Dallas. We do have an opportunity to relocate, but picking up and moving, just for a job, is such a big step. I think about losing weight to at least be presentable when I have to go job interviewing again.

The bank is paying for us to be retrained and will pay our college tuition up to a point. So back to school I go!! That is another reason why I haven�t been able to write. BUT because I have other obligations to myself and others I feel it is time for me to once again put my weight loss efforts to the top of my priority list. Won�t it be grand to one day never have to worry about it again. I started watching those participants on �The Biggest Loser� and I�m thinking. Wow, that girl is big, bigger than I am and I weigh almost 50 pounds more.

Exercise is my biggest demon. Somehow I will try to incorporate this into my life�if there�s a will, they must be a way.

I hope you all have continued success. IP

geevee on 10/28/2004:
The worry and concern never end! I've lost 40 pounds, am not overweight anymore yet I must be constantly vigilant or I could lose the whole thing and regain every pound I lost. Losing the weight is just the beginning. The hardest part is keeping it off. This is not an easy battle. I just wanted to prepare you.

innerpeace - Wednesday Jun 23, 2004
(Weight Watchers)
Weight: 270.0

"It's not how good you are, it's how bad you want it" lyrics to a song that motivates me. I still don't have the motivation I need, it comes somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart & soul and some days it is just to far to go.

I started reading a "Purpose Driven Life" I made a committment to start a 40 day spiritual journey, I see if I can apply it to my weight loss struggles as well. I think, no I know this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

"Results not typical" is another phrase that just blows my mind. I'm desperately trying to find the thing in my mind that makes me turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep. I was speaking casually to a psychologist and he was explaining that it was a subconscience thing that sometimes, your body doesn't he hear it but you still reach over and turn the clock off. I need to relearn that and get up with the dumb thing goes off. On days when I absolutely, positively have to get up, I don't have a problem.

I watched some video tape of the picnic I went to on Sunday, and at first glimce, I'm thinking OH, my GAWD I can't believe that is me, because that was not the same person I see in a mirror, isn't it funny have your mind plays tricks on you? But the camera never lies. I wish everyone many news successes. IP

pianomamma on 06/24/2004:
Everything you wrote speaks to me. You certainly are not alone in your thoughts and during this hard process. -Nicole

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