- Thursday Apr 03, 2003
I went to my weigh in - I lost .8 pound. I really didn't try and I didn't exercise at all - I'm working on that - remember I just realized portion control.
I was having a conversation with another good friend of mine I usually call Dingy (whose brother I was supposed to pick up at the airport last night - but his father-n-law did instead). Anyway we were talking about how our days went and she was saying, what if there are angels (like in City of Angels) that hover around us during the day and that bad day you think you had, well just imagine how much worse it could be if that angel wasn't around. That made since to me and I thought about it and had all these great revelations, but then can't remember them. Sort of like not remembering dreams.
I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I have to go to drill this weekend. I hate the way I look in my uniform and have issues with it because I know I don't meet the standards. But then again, they know it too and sometimes, I just wish they would say, 'hey, YOU don't meet the standards and you need to make some kind of progress or we'll boot you out' but they don't. So if they let it slide I shouldn't feel so awful, but in my subconscious mind that just gives me permission to keep on keeping on and not doing anything about it. So we are both guilty.
I broke down and emailed my ex-husband's wife. I wrote: I'm just writing to ask how you are doing? I was concerned when I heard about the soldiers missing from Fort Bliss, but I didn't know what unit Bobby is in or what location. I hope all is well and the chances of you deploying are slim. I hope Nicklaus is acting OK for you, and remember if you need anything for him or for yourself, please let me know. (for those of you who don't know - Bobby is my ex-husband who is still active duty military as is his current wife Shirley. Nicklaus, my son, is living with Shirley in El Paso while my ex is deployed)
Anyway she wrote back informing me that she was currently in the 507th Maintenance Company (the company whose convoy was ambused and had soldiers taken as POWs. She told me she new all of those people and they were her friends. She said it was weird for her and unbelievable in ways she would never imagine. She just hopes she doesn't have to go over there anytime soon. My ex though, deployed in July last year on another mission that is different from what is going on in Iraq, so he is safe. My son is doing fine.
Anyway, I hope you all are having a great day - I will be exercising in a way this evening by mowing my lawn. Jo Ann
- Wednesday Apr 02, 2003
This week I made amends with a very dear friend. I feel so much better because it was my fault we didn't speak for 2 years, not that I did anything wrong, I thought I was doing something right. After a conversation we had, she said something I didn't agree with, but kept it to myself. When I got home and thought about what she said, it made me angry, so much so that I never returned her calls or talked to her again for 2 years. I was really missing her, so I called and talked to her and told her I was sorry for being dumb, I really missed her. I love her even more for just picking up where we left off, like nothing ever happened. How often do you find friends who understand and accept you for who you are?
BUT I also had controversy. I work in an office with 9 other individuals and yes, I'm the administrative assistant, the low man on the totem pole, the phone answerer, the copy machine fixer and the fax know hower but damn it I am a person too and when some one just totally disregards that fact, it can really be irritating.
I was the only one in the office when someone comes in, walks directly past me without saying a word and walks all through the office and comes back by and says, 'there is no one here'. I said good morning, but she just walked out the office. If she would have spoken when she first came in, I would have told her I was the only one in the office and saved her the trip of trying to find someone, 'who could help her'. The second time, she came through with someone interviewing for a job. She introduced her to the two people who have desks before mine, walked around me, and introduced her to the rest of the people behind my desk. Never acknowledged me or said anything at all to me. How rude!! So as the longer I sat there the madder I became and when she left I told one of the managers, 'If I'm so insignificant than I just won't come to work tomorrow'. He agrees that what she did was very rude but. I said there is not but, it was inexcusable so don't try to make excuses for her behavior. We talked about it and I still said I was going to take the next day off, just because. Anyway, yesterday she came to my desk and apologized, she said she didn't mean to be rude. I thanked her and told her I appreciated her apology. She was all teary eyed and said, when she was told the situation it probably bothered her more than it made me mad. I doubt it, but anyway, she apologized again and left.
Then I felt bad because she was upset. When I talked to my confidant here at work, she said, that this person is so shallow, she may have been upset because someone actually brought her behavior to her attention, not because she actually regretted it. I do think her apology was heartfelt and will take it as such. I know, I know I'm rambling but I just want you to know...I'm really not angry all the time, just when something conflicts with my emotional self.
Today is my first week weigh-in at weight watchers. I can't stay for the meeting because I have to pick my friend's brother up from the airport - the storage unit he had all his belongings in burned down. He lost all of his household furniture he and his wife have been collecting for seven years. The work on the road and when they find pieces they liked, they would buy it and ship it back here to put inside a house they are building. I guess now they will have to start from scratch...man that bites.
I have other issues, but will talk about those at a later time. My eating is doing better. I finally understand portion control...go figure, that only took 10 years. I hope you all have a successful day. Jo Ann
- Monday Mar 31, 2003
I am certainly going in the wrong direction. I did go an start weight watchers AGAIN. Third time's a charm and just maybe I will stick to it.
I have a problem getting off the couch, if I didn't know better I would say it's magnetized to my butt.
I have worries of being deployed...how scarey...maybe that's why I keep gaining weight. If I get so big, I'd be a health risk and wouldn't have to go, not to mention the fact that I can't wear my uniform. My dad told me to eat pizza and drink beer. Thanks Dad, love your support!
I have to rant...I was at weight watchers and saw a girl I graduated highschool with. I told her I had only been in the area the last 5 years because I had joined the military after school. She asked why I got out...just because I'm FAT. She says, oh you are not. Ok I've just gained 100 pounds and I'm sitting at a weight watchers meeting so DUH.
What does 'results not typical' mean? I see that on every kind of advertisements for diet pills, exercise equipment or new fad for weight reduction. So I'm guessing it really means...comeon sucker...give us your money.
Y'all have a good day.
- Monday Jan 06, 2003
Had a pretty good weekend, stayed indoors by myself and have become very intimate with my CrossBow. I actually went to the store and bought healthy food instead of going through a quick and convenient drive through.
I need to work on drinking water, I'm just so addicted to diet coke. This week will be miserable, and of course with a miserable week comes an even worse weekend...DRILL, what a dreadful thought. Last month I bailed and will have to do two extra days this month. I hate wishing my life away, but I do so want it to be August 2005.
Hope you all have a successful day. Jo Ann
- Thursday Jan 02, 2003
I didn't eat too much yesterday, which is good. BUT I ate two helpings of pasta. I think I eat to much carbs, I have to find a way to cut them back. I had to quit buying bread, that is a #1 killer for me. I did drink over 64 oz of water though, which is good for me, I'm usually sucking down diet coke all day.
Did the Leslie Sansonne 2 miles last night, will do it again tonight and add my crossbow exercises.
I hope you all had a great a memorable New Year's Day. Jo Ann
- Tuesday Dec 31, 2002
A New ME in 2003! That's my motto. Tonight I volunteered to sell Opening Night buttons for work. I will probably go play cards after that. I'm not one to drink and party, the hangover just isn't worth it. I told my mother I was starting another life style change, she said, she was tired of hearing about it. GEE thanks Mom, I need your support. She just says, do something about it, sure that sounds so easy. I worked out on my new Crossbow again last night, I think I like it.
My team plays in the Rose Bowl tomorrow and I will definately be watching that. Go SOONERS! That reminds me, school starts back on the 20th.
I hope you all have a great new year. Jo Ann
- Monday Dec 30, 2002
I guess it's time for another New Year's resolution. This year I have decided to concentrate on my mental and physical health and maybe the weight loss will fall right on in line. I dream of the day I can wake up and not worry about how much I way or what I look like, gee I can't remember NOT doing that at least since high school.
I'll use my Christmas present which is a Crossbow weight machine, it's really nifty and is sitting right in front of my TV, so I can look at it and not feel guilty about not using it.
I have been living in a constant fear of being activated. I really don't want to go back to a foreign country, I wish everyone would just be nice for once.
Hope you all had a great holiday and will have a joyful and safe New Year!
- Tuesday Nov 19, 2002
I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I'm not to disappointed, but I will always wonder why. Was it because I'm fat and don't look presentable to them? Sometimes I get so disgusted with myself, I know I have made my own personal hell.
There is a girl in my class who is I'm going to say bigger than I am because at least I don't waddle when I walk, but she looks like she's in so much pain all the time. But my vision and thinking is so obscurred we're probably the same size. I've stooped so low as to try and compare how she looks in the chairs and then how I do, my hips aren't hanging over the edges so I guess I'm going to say she's bigger than I am. I'm in denial, I have mental problems about food. I don't want to exercise because it hurts something on my body. I need to find some mental blockage techniques, or find something to get me out of this haze I'm in.
I thought I had dealt with this, but I guess not. Something always brings it back to the surface. I do have my own private pity parties too, I've even looked on the internet for Bariatric surgery options, but that to me seems like the last resort, I feel like I still have some hope for me, I just have to dig down deep and find it somewhere. I remember in basic training, our drill instructors kept yelling at us that we had no 'intestinal fortitude' (guts) because we kept giving up to easily at a difficult task we were given. This has become the biggest challenge in my life and again I have no intestinal fortitude, endurance, willpower, or all the stuff you need to loose weight.
I'm going to ponder awhile and write more later. I hope all of you have a better day, than mine has started out to be. JO Ann
- Monday Nov 18, 2002
I had an absolutely horrible eating weekend. When I start I always say, might as well go ahead because I can always start all over on Monday. I left work early to go to a job interview with the National Weather Service, I think it went well, hopefully I'll find out before this week is finished. Afterwards I went to Mom's house and ate chicken and dressing, cranberry sauce and green beans, which wasn't so bad until I went home and took a nap. When I woke up I went to play cards and ate some crackers and jello. Saturday morning I was feeling guilty for interviewing for the civil service job, when I like the job I have now, but the other job would be more money, but then I would have to drive further and then I have the chance of getting laid off where I'm at now because of downsizing so I was stresing trying to figure out what I'm going to do and I haven't even been offered the job. So I went to Wal-mart for washing soap and bought a box of turtles (the candy) and ate the entire box (18 pieces) throughout the day after I hate two sausage biscuits from McDonalds. I can't even imagine how much fat that is, I couldn't even bring myself to look. I did spend a great day with my Mom, we talked and played games, she likes scrabble, but I talked her into trying the new Upwords game which was OK, then we had leftovers from the chicken and dressing. And yes, I have to admit, we watch football!
Sunday, I was supposed to read and do some homework. RIGHT!! that didn't happen, I sat around and watched TV and cleaned up the house. I was sad because it is my son's birthday (Sweet 16 - do boys have a sweet 16? - What do they call it?) and everytime I tried to call El Paso there was no answer, not even a machine, what is the world coming to? I sent him a Playstation2 game he wanted, but I still would have like to talk to him. I can't believe he will be driving so if anyone is near or around El Paso, Texas please drive extra careful so my son won't get in an accident. He is so far away I can't protect him anymore.
I would try to do my homework several times but I couldn't read the material, but the subject matter just didn't appeal to me, so therefore, I will try and read it at lunch today.
Awww today. Great Monday has already started out bad. I was paranoid coming to work, thinking the guy I interview with called and talked to my supervisor here. How nerve wracking is that? If I leave I want to leave without them knowing it. Anyway, I had french toast and bacon for breakfast, what a way to start a week, but I won't let that affect my other decisions.
I hope all of you had a great weekend and have a better week. Jo Ann
- Friday Nov 15, 2002
I would like to say I have been dieting and exercising but that wouldn't be the case. I have been going to school and eating, so I have gained more weight. I have joined weight watchers, again, and that seems to be working out for me. I still have to get off my butt and exercise. I was reading someone's journal - sorry - forgot whose and they were talking about not sleeping. Whew, I wish that was my problem, I can sleep anytime and anywhere. I would rather sleep than do anything else. My mom says I'm sleeping my life away. I don't see it that way, I go to many different and interesting places in my dreams, yeah, I'm avoiding life.
So, I guess I will try to return to the land of the living and stick to this program. Though I have been away, I popped in every once in awhile to read up on everyone, I'm glad most is still here and I'll have to get to know the new ones.
Hope everyone has a great weekend! Jo Ann