It was a cold, dark night in the world yesterday.  BF and I decided to split.  To be truthful, I feel kind of... relieved.  I know this is a new chapter in my life that I must walk through on my own.  It will be a tough little while until everything is finalized, but such is life.  This too shall pass, right?!

I haven't been eating much for the last couple of days but i'm making up for it in exhorbitant amounts of calorie-rich mochas.  I don't look forward to the pounding headaches i'll receive when life is back to normal and I don't need the insane amount of caffeine i'm taking in now.  This morning I had some cereal for breakfast, and lettuce with bacon for lunch.  I plan to bbq chicken burgers for supper and I have leftover rice in the fridge.  I just sighed when I read that last sentence back to myself - it seems like so much work.  Can't I just take a nap instead?!

Tai-chi was on the slate for tonight, and I am hoping i'll have the motivation to go as it will get me out of the house and keep me from spiralling into self-pity.  I'm really good at self-pity.

Top-notch!

Well, the depo shot really did a number.  You don't quite know how strong that stuff actually is until it's already deeply imbed in your body.  My flow cut in half and besides cramping, the rest of my period went over quite well, physically speaking.  Crazy scary stuff.

I did a lot more cleaning and packing this weekend, which I believe made bf go a little crazy himself.  I think he's decided he is not going to take responsibility for anything that has happened to us in the last few years, which I would say is very immature - but I guess I've been blind.  I checked up on separating in Canada if you're common law partners, and basically you split things up to whomever purchased what.  For example, since the house is in bf's name, I would need to find another place to live.  This may be difficult for me as I have quite a debtload at the moment but I think I will make an appointment with the bank and see if there is anything I can do.  I really don't want to rent.  I'd rather buy a house and pay a mortgage down and if I ever decide to move then I have something to liquidate.

I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend as well, which was a life-saver.  Thank goodness for friends!  I ate well, meaning good portions not huge portions.  At this particular time of the day, I am back on track and my mind is clear on what I need to do to better my life.  Get rid of the grey matter blocking my future!

Not much for exercise, so I need to work on that, but for right now I am going to concentrate on my eating and go from there.  I simply can't do it all right now.

I finally got my period yesterday.  I've only been waiting (aka dreading) to get it for three or four days now.  Anyways, it shut me down for the day, except for a brief walk last night, about half an hour long.  That much I had to do, just to get out of the house.

I also went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me depo provera again.  I am not a fan of this stuff, and it almost made me cry when I vocalized what I was there for, but I know I need to do something.  My referral to a specialist will not go through until at least this fall.  I had to do something now.  So, everyone, be prepared for some seriously wacked entries.  Don't be alarmed if they teeter on the brink of sanity.  Best to pass over my entries unless you want to be pulled down into the darkness with me.  Geez, I need to stop watching scary movies.  They really go to my head.  I watched "Knowing" and "Unborn" last night.  Hee-hee!  See, it's starting already.

Well, I am debating suggesting to bf that I find another place to live.  I really don't want to do it while i'm so sick, and while he's actually trying to change (it happens for about a week or so, then back to the same old).  There are also so many factors to consider that I keep spinning it around in my head and can come up with no real great fix.  I know I am just scared to take the plunge, but if he won't man up, then I have to.

OK eating yesterday, had some mac 'n cheese which wasn't the brightest idea, but kept it under control after that with salad and chicken, and one slice of garlic toast.  Then I had popcorn during the movie.

Rollin' on down the road!

The weather was not well enough to go for a walk yesterday.  It was rainy and windy and all around miserable.  JULY, Mother Nature!  JULY!!!  Today we are supposed to be playing slo-pitch, but I don't know.  It's cold, people.  Cold.  11 degrees celsius.  JULY!!!

Instead, I went out and bought myself some storage containers then went to a friends for a bit to avoid being at home.  Once home, I packed some more clothes into a garbage bag to take to the thrift store on Thursday.  I'm going to use the storage containers for seasonal items, which are scattered throughout the house and are in need of analyzing for worthiness. 

A friend of mine suggested maybe bf's waiting for me to break it off and is refusing to man up and do it himself.  I think I just need to take the plunge and get this crapiness over with.  It's time for change!!

I ate well last night - salmon, rice, corn and lettuce (sans dressing again - it's garden lettuce and is very tasty all on its own), then frozen yogurt with strawberries.  Two cups of coffee that I didn't need, but hey, that's better than some days!

Chugging away!

Gosh, i'm tired today.  I'm lumbering around at work like i've just been scraped off the pavement after a really bad accident.  I still have not gotten my period and it's really buggering me up 'cause I sort of was trying to prepare for it and waiting for something like that is not really all that much fun.

I went for a walk last night, it was almost exactly one hour but I still want to check to see how far I went.  It felt good, but my calves were hurting a little bit through it all.  I am going to try it again today (so long as the weather cooperates).  That, plus I think I figured out how to transfer podcasts onto my mp3 player, so i'm actually in a pretty good mood thinking about what I can listen to later!

My eating yesterday was good, albeit a little on the high side of the calorie range, but still good.  I stuck to the fish and rice, added corn and lettuce (sans italian dressing) then my boyfriend's sister came over and we watched an episode of her favorite tv show.  After that we ate some frozen yogurt with strawberries.

Last night I ended up going over to a friend's place for a late night jam session.  That's why i'm so tired and cranky today.  I had three beer and a serving of chicken tandoori chips (wow. spicy.)  If not for this outing, my eating would have been stellar!!!  I left earlier than everyone else and when I woke up this morning my boyfriend had not gotten home yet.  That burns my butt.  Act responsibly!  I'm just so on the outs with him already I don't even know what to do.  I'm trying to get rid of a lot of my stuff *just in case* I decide i've had enough.  It's the only thing I can do right now while trying to keep a sane mind about everything.  He just doesn't get it.  I think I am the wrong person for him and vice versa.  That's the only conclusion I can come to.  I continue to try and put the effort into this relationship, but at some point I have to stop myself and ask myself WHY.  What am I getting out of it besides stress and heartache???

Anyhoo.

Breakfast - Fibre 1 cereal with 2% milk; mocha.

Lunch - salmon and rice.

Motor on, friends!

I need to get on this running stuff.  I've been doing nothing for the past few weeks because of this and that and everything else and I need to stop the pity-party and get moving again!  I've worked out a bit of a schedule and so long as I am able to follow it through, I should have no problems doing the 5k in around 33 minutes, which I think will be pretty good.

Today's task:  walk 1 hour.

Gotta stop feeding the stomach so much, too.  Attended a bridal shower/stagette this weekend and all we did was eat!!!  It literally made me sick the next day.  I am going to load up on rice, salmon, chicken and veggies this week.

This psychotic bouncing back and forth between trying and not trying has GOT to stop.  I need to change everything.

I cleaned out some items in the house that were taking up space... a few more loads and I will be free of the clutter in my life and can begin to free the clutter in my head.  My period is coming up any day now, but I will struggle through as well as I can, and then will make the life-decisions that I need to make in order to move on from this ailment for good (or at least for now).  I can't allow this to run my life any longer.

Breakfast was Fibre 1 cereal with 2% milk.

Lunch will be rice with salmon and salad with italian dressing.

Happy motoring to all!

I thought I was doing well, but I weighed myself this morning and.... well... i've gained another 6 pounds in the last month.  I feel pretty crappy about it.  Really crappy, in fact.

Actually, I feel pretty crappy just in general.  All the busy-ness of the past two weeks have caught up to me and i'm not only tired but i've picked up some type of stomach virus as well.  And then I went and topped it all off by weighing myself.  Hellooooo, what did you think you'd see on the scale?!

My period is coming in just a few days, so i'm sure i'll be feeling crappy for a good week.  That sucks.  There are too many things I want to do, and too many things that i'm missing out on.  I'm so tired.  What will give me some energy?

I've been a little lazy recently, but far better than normal.

On Saturday I got up early and went running with a friend.  I felt good, even though I still have a silly cough and sinus congestion.  I could've gone longer, but i'm glad we kept it under control - if I would have had my way I wouldn't have been able to walk properly for three days afterwards.

Then I did nothing.  Until this morning.  This morning I went running again.  And I felt even better this time.  I don't know what the secret is, but I pray that it continues.  Maybe it's all the peas i'm eating... :)

For the last few days i've been tormented with the bitter result of procrastination.  But it's not really about that, it has more to do with time constraints and priorities.  I can prioritize at work A-OK, but at home i'm a constant basket-case, trying to do everything and getting absolutely nothing done.  Moral of the story?  Out come the TO-DO lists again. :P

Check home, dog park and slo pitch e-mail accounts for new correspondence (DONE 2/3)

Fill out Association papers for dog park (although i'm sure they gave me the wrong forms)

Find out about city council meetings (DONE)

Fill out running registrations for me, Dad, BF, his sister and his cousin (DONE 3/5)

Make bank appointment re dog park (DONE)

Make doctor's appointment

Complete information required for class seminar on the 17th!!!  (so important and yet NOT AT ALL done yet)

June exercise to date:  3.5 hours

Went running this morning by myself, as my friend slept in and didn't get my text message.  It was a cold one today, we had freezing temperatures overnight and so pretty well the whole workout was spent with my hood over my toque and my hands holding my sweater over my neck to stay warm.  I have a slight cold - sore throat and ringing in the ears - so it was a bit of a struggle towards the end of the workout to stay focused and not give up.  I think I did well overall though.

Tonight BF has another fastball game so I will be driving out to support him.  Tomorrow a massage appointment (YAY!) and Sunday another 5k walk in the city with my Dad.  Also need to prepare for a meeting on Monday night, and work on some classes that I seriously need to finish.

June exercise - 2.5 hours

I missed this morning's exercise as well (my fault, I cancelled on my friend) as I wasn't sure how I'd be feeling this morning.  As it was, I didn't wake up until 7:15 which gave me a whole 45 minutes to eat breakfast and get ready for work.  I think i'm wearing the same outfit I wore on Monday... and the same hairstyle as yesterday's.

Anyways, i'm feeling a little better today (so far) so hopefully i'll be back into running tomorrow morning.  My friend went without me yesterday morning and said that she ran the sets a little longer than we usually do, so i'm going to make her prove it to me tomorrow!  I can run longer than what we're doing right now, so if she can too than we may as well start running longer - it seems pointless to continue doing the same thing when we could be progressing further.

Slo-pitch went alright last night - I only had to use the port-a-potty once (yuck.  i mean YUCK).  We won (I think we're at 3 wins and 1 loss now) and went out to celebrate for a bit.  Everything went well.  I would be surprised, but i'll just be happy instead.

I can't recall if anything's on the agenda for tonight, so I might try to tackle some of the e-mails at home i've been ignoring for the past week.  That, and maybe we'll take the dogs for a walk.

June exercise - 2 hours