I am amazed at my incapacity to think the same way others think.  Seriously.  Why do I work for a huge organization where we're herded to our death like a group of buffalo to the edge of a cliff?!  It takes me far too long to figure out what someone else's thought process is, and by the time I do figure it out, either the meeting is over or i've over-thought it and am now confused.  I'm not kidding you - I live in an almost constant state of confusion.  Imagine what we could accomplish as organizations AND individuals if we allowed ourselves to think freely instead of always feeling like you just have to get it done and not think about it at all.  The simplification of life is my greatest goal, my greatest dream and my greatest obstacle.  I wonder if other people are managing to do it, or if it only looks as such on the outside.

Anyways, i've been away for a while - nothing really exciting has been going on lately.  I went to a concert (The Eagles), and... yeah, that's about it.  I haven't been to the gym recently, but my bf has finally decided that the gym is not his enemy, so he has agreed to accompany me when I have no one else to go with.  That is a HUGE change, and i'm very thankful he has made the decision to support my healthier lifestyle efforts.  Now if I could just get him to stucco the house this summer...

Tonight bf and I are going to the local high school for drop-in badminton from 7:30 until 9:00.  Hopefully we will be able to find our rackets but i'm told the school will have extra if we cannot find ours.  I am extremely excited about this, as I used to play badminton in high school and have only been able to play on and off a handful of times.  I can't wait, but I imagine my arms are going to HURT tomorrow!

My eating is going so-so.  I still constantly pig out on bread and bread products, but I have to say that i'm eating less and less junk food every week, and more healthy alternatives (salad, fruit and yogurt to name a few).  I'm so happy to be able to say that!  My attitude has stayed quite even over the last few weeks as well; I have experienced only a few of the typical misfires and general irrationalizations I normally pollute my entries with!  I think this is due in large part to my eating patterns, but also because I can feel spring trying to break through the hard winter ice in town.  The sun is shining, the dogs are staying outside for more than five minutes at a time, and it feels as though a weight has been lifted.  I must remember to load up on Vitamin D before next winter!

Why does it always have to be so busy everytime I take a measly day away from the office?????  ARGH, this is so frustrating!  FRUSTRATING!  People are making me angry and i'm having WAY too many blonde moments today and I just can't do anything RIGHT!

And i'm busy.  Why is it ALWAYS busy?  Oh, right - i've already brought that up.

Did well the last two days (even though I did not count up calories yet) while out of town on business and even hit the gym at the hotel for 30 minutes of treadmill running - 10 minutes running total and walked the other 20 minutes.  Not as much water, but I still did very well considering there wasn't a lot of time to devote to drinking it...

Gotta go~

Ugh.  I went on a mini-buffet yesterday.  In my own home.  Paying for it today.  Why do I do this?????

When I got home from work yesterday I was feeling really tired.  I had already had my fill of snacks, adding an extra snack during the day because I just could not stop munching.  That would have all been well and good had I just decided to make dinner as soon as I got home, but no, I lay down on the couch instead.  I had a bit of a headache and all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  After about 10 minutes of that, I decided I was too hungry to wait for dinner to cook (which would have taken all of 5 minutes) and grabbed the rest of the Triscuit crackers and gobbled them down.  Then I made a peanut butter sandwich and ate that.  At least I stopped after this point, until later on in the evening when I actually had dinner - a ham sandwich.  Enough carbs tonight, 'ya think?!

All that doesn't even look terrible until you add up the calories.

Monday - 2023 calories.

I don't know.  I was going to go to the gym, I was going to prepare for the trip i'm taking today on business, I was going to read and study a couple of things.  I did nothing.  And not only because I didn't want to - I also forgot.  I mean, I forgot.  How do you forget to pack?  To work out?  Sometimes my mind just freezes up, like it's saying "hey, enough, enough already, i'm full up lady", and won't process any more information.  It's exasperating!

Anyways, I drank lots of water yesterday, around 4.5 litres.  I guess I was hoping to somehow make up for the excess amount of food that entered my stomach.  I'm pretty sure it didn't work.  Today, i'm crampy and bloated because of all the bread and grains I ate yesterday.  Why do I never learn?!

 "If our definition or concept of ourselves comes from what others think of us – from the social mirror – we will gear our lives to their wants and their expectations; and the more we live to meet the expectations of others, the more weak, shallow and insecure we become."

Stephen Covey

If I would have updated this journal on Saturday, it would have gone much like this:

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMFFFFFFFGGGGGGAAAARRRRGGG"

Since it is today and not Saturday, I can only say that I had a terribly rotten day on Saturday.  Saturday. was. rotten.  My magic potion did not work - not totally, anyways.  So I got my period on Friday, took advil every two hours throughout the whole night, and woke up feeling okay.  So I got up and started making breakfast.  Around that time, my stomach twisted its evil head 180 degrees, took one look at the fairly content expression on my face, and decided to change my expression to one of pure agony.

I tried to take a bath, and just like last month as soon as I stepped foot into the tub the pain was about ten times worse.  When I finally managed to get out of the tub, I lay down beside the toilet for awhile, wretching and crying and shaking, until I didn't have anything left in my stomach.  I dressed myself and walked into the living room only to find bf waiting to take me to the hospital.  I told him this time I wanted to wait it out, that I just needed half an hour for the medication I took to start working.  Three hours later, I was finally feeling better.

The rest of the weekend went alright, did some cleaning and lounged around a lot of the time.

Friday - 1568 calories

Saturday - 1720 calories (of course, some of this didn't stay down...)

Sunday - 1943 calories (this was because of some baking I did and then proceeded to eat. All of it)

I need to find the gumption to get my butt to the gym.  I will be out of town on business tomorrow and Wednesday night, so unless the hotel has a gym i'm going to be out of luck.  Oh, just go! legcramps.

It's going to be a great week!  I can feel it!  But I could be lying!  Nah, don't think so!

I am jiggling around in my chair this morning, keeping lots of parts moving, always in motion, because my stomach is turning knots around me and I don't want to think about it and am trying to keep myself otherwise occupied.  Which, let's be honest, is hard to do when you've got a desk job.  It's like asking a turtle to take a running jump across a four inch puddle of water.  It just won't happen.  Poor turtle.

Thursday - 1577 calories

I went to the gym last night and ran on that treadmill like I was being chased by a highschool bully.  There's this other girl that comes to the gym around the same time we do.  I am really not a judgmental person, but I can't help but notice the way she runs on the treadmill.  She floors that thing to speed 7 or 8 or something and then flounders her way on and off sporadically for about five minutes, then decides it would be better to walk at speed 6, which is also too fast for her.  Anyways, the whole "chased by a highschool bully" sentence made me think of her.  Let's move on.  I figured that I had to get some kind of workout in before my period because who knows when i'll get to do it again.  It felt good, and I ran for ten minutes and was on the treadmill for a total of 30 minutes, as usual.  Well, ha ha, not usual because I hadn't been to the gym in over a week, but you know what I mean.

So obviously i'm getting my period today, at some point in time.  I have to be, my stomach wouldn't ache this much if nothing was going on in there.  The moment of truth is here!  Will I be plagued by pain or have I found the magic potion to whisk me out of the blinding horror?!!  Exaggerate much?!

So I did not end up going to the gym OR waxing my legs on Tuesday night.  Instead, I jiggled my wiggly parts over to a friend's house and 'hung-out' and drank two vanilla vodka cocktails.  *sigh*

Tuesday - 1450 calories

Wednesday - 1350 calories

I ran out of yogurt and only have bananas left for my fruit shakes, so I didn't have one this morning.  I can't wait to find out if it will make me feel more hungry as the morning passes.  It probably will.  I also brought raw veggies to work with me this morning because usually I have yogurt and fruit for morning break.  So i'm mixing it up a bit and i'm not sure I like that idea all that much since we all know that consistency is the key in losing weight.  Still, i'm eating extremely healthy and that should count for something, I say.

I went to yoga last night and it was good, very relaxing.  I am going to miss the next two classes :( because I will be out of town.  That really sucks, because I was starting to get better at it!  I did notice, however, that there are some yoga workouts on t.v. in the early mornings, so I could always wake up early and do it at home.  We'll see...

I feel good today, but my period is supposed to be coming tomorrow and it is making me a little anxious.  I am hoping that I will play it cool today and not go ballistic and ruin all my hard efforts of the last few weeks.  I have been taking advil for the last few days as well, to try and avoid some of the pre-menstrual symptoms I usually get.  It's been working so far.  Please pray for me that this time will not be like the last time!

I am also drinking tons of water each day, and have cut back on coffee.  Actually, until last night I hadn't had any coffee for over a week.  Last night I had two cups and was awake until 2 a.m.!  Anyways, the water will help tremendously as well during my cycle to ward off any extra pain from bloating.  Tonight I am hoping to finally get to the gym.  Treadmill - 30 minutes, 10 minutes running.  And maybe some push ups and crunches.  Hope everyone has a great day!

Oh. My. Gosh.

Did I go crazy on the cheese fondu last night? Oh. Yes.

Anyways. Let's move on.

Monday total - 1896 calories.

I have done no exercising since walking the dogs on the weekend.  I am feeling like a bit of a walrus, slumped on the end of the couch slurping down as much water as my body can hold.  After filling up on cheese fondu, I feel extremely slow today, like my brain is not keeping up with my body and my body is about as slow as molasses.  I guess that's what cheese and bread will do to a person.  Portion-control, legcramps, this is your next milestone to overcome.

I am expecting to go to the gym tonight, but I'd also like to wax my legs (they are in desperate need of it, as if you needed to know), so I guess we'll wait and see what the night brings.

March is going to be a busy month.  I was paid on Friday, therefore I paid all of the household bills on Saturday, and now I have no money left.  I will need to finagle money someway somehow to pay for everything that needs to be done this month, or at least until my next paycheque.  I am usually afloat with budgeting and such, but this time around I guess I just wasn't thinking.  It does mean that I will probably find myself with some extra cash at the end of the month because i've paid everything now!  So that's okay I guess, but it'll still be a hard month to get through.

Some friends of ours are going through a rocky time in their relationship right now.  When I was going through the same thing, I talked to her about it and she defended my boyfriend.  Now she is telling me the same things I was saying to her.  I would never defend her husband as I know how it feels to be discarded and unloved, so I am listening to her and trying to help in any way I can.  It only reiterates though the need for the human race to be far more compassionate and understanding than they currently are.  See how I take two whole people and turn them into a whole race?!!!

Ah, Monday again.  Back to the grind, pedal to the metal, head off the pillow, blah blah blah.

Friday - 1610 calories

Saturday - 1502 calories

Sunday - 1710 calories

I splurged on Sunday with potatoes, mashed AND fried on two different meals.  Oh well, they were good and that's what mattered to me at the time!  I still did well with total calories anyways, so i'm not going to get too worried about it.

Fruit Shake (for those who want to know):  1/2 cup vanilla fat free yogurt, a handful of blackberries and strawberries, 1/2 a banana, and crushed ice.  Sometimes i'll add vanilla extract or frozen yogurt.

Not much for exercise this weekend, we ended up not going rock climbing because I was angry with my boyfriend for hiding something from me.  Ugh, some days it just doesn't get any better, you know?  I have a meeting this afternoon, then tonight watching an animated series with my boyfriend's sister - I think she wants cheese fondu tonight.  I wonder how many calories that will be...

Ok, i've tried a few times over the last few days to make an entry, but have been too busy to finish them, and have the nasty habit of 'x'ing out of the internet without saving what i've already written.  Hopefully today I will be able to do finish an entry and post it...

So I think the last few days have been good.  Do you want to know what i've eaten?

Wednesday:

1 fried egg and 2 slices whole wheat toast with margarine and peanut butter (425)

2 fruit shakes (600)

2 mugs green tea (0)

1/2 chicken breast and salad with 2 tblspns light ranch dressing (241)

2 servings vegetable thins (200)

1 chicken breast with broccoli and mixed vegetables and melted cheese (532)

1.5 litres water (0)

Total calories:  1998

exercise:  1 hour yoga (where i somehow managed to bruise, strain, pull, or tear something just underneath my ribcage - stupid twisty maneouvers)

Thursday:

1 fried egg, 1 slice whole wheat toast with margarine and peanut butter (260)

2 fruit shakes (600)

2 mugs green tea (0)

1 serving yogurt & blueberries (75)

1/2 chicken breast with salad and 1 tblspn light ranch dressing (208)

1 serving vegetable thins (100)

1/2 chicken breast, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup mixed vegetables, 1oz feta cheese (357)

1.5 litres water (0)

Total calories:  1600

no exercise

Friday:

1 fried egg, 1 slice whole wheat toast with margarine and peanut butter (260)

2 fruit shakes (600)

2 mugs green tea (0)

1/4 serving yogurt & blueberries (20)

1/2 chicken breast with salad and 1 tblspn light ranch dressing (208)

1 serving vegetable thins (100)

1/2 chicken breast with 1 cup broccoli and 1/2 cup mixed vegetables, 1oz feta cheese (472)

1.5 litres water (0)

Total calories:  1660

exercise:  hopefully an hour at the gym.

I'm so glad it's Friday!  My boyfriend and I are planning to go rock climbing tomorrow afternoon in the city - I hope we do because it would be an awesome workout!

Other than that, I need to go to the bathroom so i'm going to have to say goodbye for now...

Oh, the weekend was a blast but some of it I can't remember and the other parts that I do remember I don't want to tell you about (regarding what I ate).  Let's just say it wasn't good and I didn't accomplish much in the way of losing weight.  Back at it again today though (yesterday we had a Statutory Family Day holiday - do you in the States get this as well?  It's great, it gave me a four-day weekend!) and i'm hoping the rest of the week will go smoothly and i'll be able to get back on track.

Breakfast:  2 eggs, 2 slices toast with margarine and peanut butter. i was hungry this morning. probably because i ate all night long on Monday :P

1 mug green tea

Lunch:  leftover chicken with peas and carrots. since that wasn't enough, i also had 2 slices toast with margarine and peanut butter. this isn't going as well as i wanted.

1 mug green tea; vegetable thins (crackers)

Planned dinner: chicken and broccoli with shredded cheese

Planned activities: grocery shopping, dinner making and dish washing; movie watching; curling at 9:00pm.