Had a good day yesterday, but I did eat a half cup of ice cream.  I was going to put crumbled oreo cookies into it, but instead ate one cookie and put the rest away.  Yowsa, it's a week of firsts!

I've been cooking every evening since we bought our new stove.  I bet I haven't cooked a meal for us in months, it's crazy.  I do realize now how therapeutic it is though, as well as baking.  I lose myself in the concentration it takes to put things together and it's very gratifying work (at least, when it works out and there's someone around to tell you how good it is!).  I have been in a better mood for about a week now, and I do believe it has a lot to do with getting this oven as well as being able to eat with my boyfriend instead of at different times of the night.  Long time coming, I tell 'ya.

So Thursday my exercise was the 30 minute walk in the morning.  I watched Survivor Gabon in the evening after dinner and went to bed early.  I did not want to wake up this morning so slept in and had to scramble to get to work in time.  I even gave myself heartburn trying to shovel (oh yes, literally shovel) cereal into my mouth, working against time!

I notice at work today that I am drinking too much coffee and not enough water.  I'll try to balance that out this afternoon.  I brought watermelon to snack on - it is very ripe and looks so wonderful that my mouth waters just thinking about eating it...

I feel better today, I think perhaps my hormones are a little out of whack since I seem to be soooo verrrrryyy emotional these days.  Months.  At least for the last couple of years...

Anyhow, so far the week is progressing well.  I had no exercise on Monday, but that's because we bought a new stove so I HAD to try out all the features and then my boyfriend's sister came for a visit.  We watch Avatar every Monday night - she loves it and it's good quality family time.  We get along really great even though she is 7 or 8 years younger than me.  That should tell you a lot about my maturity level...  lol

Tuesday morning I went for a 30 minute walk with a friend, then curled that night for 2 and 1/2 hours.  I was still sore from the week before, and i'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my inner thigh, so i'll be suffering through that for a couple more weeks probably.  We lost the game 12 to 5   I hate to lose.

Wednesday after work I spent about 20 minutes shovelling the driveway since we finally received the first snowfall that will undoubtedly end up sticking around until spring.  My boyfriend was very surprised to see me out there shovelling, but did not mention how great it was to see me out there since i'd really been doing sweet nothings for the last few months.

This morning was another 30 minute walk with a friend.  Omph my legs hurt and my knee is bruised, but I know it's worth it... i'm debating whether or not to consult a doctor in regards to my stomach and back issues since they've been cropping up again in the last few months.  I really think it's stress but am unsure as to what I can do about it.  Unfortunately, it is a HUGE factor in determining both work and play schedules, and that's starting to get on my nerves!

Also debating applying for a different position in town.  I don't know if I should - i'm far too cautious and stressed to deal with this right now!  Sometimes I wish I could take more risks.  Imagine what we could do if we were guaranteed a happy ending!!

Well, i'm really frustrated.  Really.  Discouraged and frustrated, and ready to pop!  No, literally, my belly is so distended and bloated, if I stuck it with a pin i'd pop.

I need some things to change, namely the amount of stress my job and my boyfriend bring me.  Yup, some attitudes need to change or i'm out.  Done.  Hoo-ha.  Phooey.

I have felt crappy since my last journal entry, off and on ever since.  I just can't seem to get it right, not the same way I could before.  I don't know what has changed, but I just don't have the motivation.  Or the incentive, courage, brains, power, strength, mobility, blah blah blah, that I had before.  It's so discouraging!

I've gained more weight, but refuse to post it for fear that it will stare me in the face and will motivate me to no longer log on and journal.  Since I don't want that to happen, we shall never know how much I weigh.  Until I can once again say something like 150 pounds.  Yup, trust me, not even close.

Friday:

Breakfast - 1 whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread

Morning - 2 cups coffee, 1 Pritouline twist (some kind of baked, crispy, sweet stick, like a cinammin stick)

Lunch - 1 & 1/2 cups rice with chicken breast

Afternoon - 1 Pritouline twist

Dinner - I had some soda crackers so far... possibly 1 serving salmon and 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies. The crackers were a must, i'm afraid... I was so hungry after work I was making myself sick.

Wow. Friday, thank goodness, although I have to say it was a short week. And it was a way better week than what i've had in the past few months. I got to talking with an old co-worker which was incredibly wonderful as we were good friends when we worked together. I don't have much to complain about today, other than I might be getting a cold!

Have a great weekend everyone - I get to go shopping on Monday! I decided to veto the car repairs. We have three vehicles between my boyfriend and I; I would think that I could find something else to drive next week while I wait for my paycheck to fix my car.

Thursday:

Breakfast - 1 whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese

Morning - 591 ml bottle Ginger Ale, apple crumble granola bar

Lunch - 1 & 1/2 cups rice

Afternoon - 5 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes

Dinner - 1 serving salmon with 1 & 1/2 cups rice, 10 carrots with veggie dip

Tonight Survivor is on TV. My survivor pick got booted off at the beginning of the series, but i'm into the show now so i'm continuing to watch it. It's about the only TV I actually watch, unless you count sitting in front of the TV doing other things while it's on. Then I watch a helluva lotta TV. Anyways, i'm at work right now but heading home soon and very happy about that. My tooth hurts (or the spot where my tooth once was) and it's giving me a headache.

I work at a healthcare centre with a Catholic hospital and a Lutheran senior's home. This afternoon I attended an interdenominational service held at the Chapel. There was discussion on the Samaritan story and being a healing presence. Don't worry, i'm not going to provide a deep lecture into faith and religion. I'm just saying that it was nice to hear. I probably needed to hear it. I also agree that sometimes you need to go to a motivational speaker's presentation. Either way, sometimes you just need to be reminded that you're doing okay, and it's okay to have a hard day or two from time to time.

Tuesday:

Breakfast - whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread

Morning - coffee

Lunch - 1/2 cup grapes and 5 strawberries, 1/2 cup carrots with 1 tblspn veggie dip, 6 soda crackers

Afternoon - nada

Dinner - ate a late dinner consisting of cream of broccoli soup and jello pudding. I also snuck a piece of marble cake from my boyfriend's stash. He shouldn't leave these things in the house...

I had to get a tooth pulled yesterday afternoon, hence the not eating for eight hours. It was a wisdom tooth and it was a bugger to get rid of. I hurt, but then maybe i'm just complaining for the pure joy of complaining and the pain is just all in my mind. So I was starving last night, shaking uncontrollably, waiting for 9:00 p.m. to warm up some soup and scarf it down. The soup looked like snot, no kidding, but I ate it most willingly and was quite grateful because there was SOFT food in the house that I could eat. Otherwise I would have had to try to sleep on an empty stomach. I'm just not into that. This morning it took me four hours to eat breakfast, eating my bagel little piece by little piece.

My car won't start this morning and I had to bring my boyfriend's car to work. It sounds like I will have to get it towed and fixed. Wow, that's going to cost me some money. I was hoping to go shopping in the city on Monday, but I don't know how i'm going to make that happen now. I really needed some clothes. You know. Ones that fit.

Wednesday:

Breakfast - whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread

Morning - as above

Lunch - 1 piece marble cake, eaten on the sly

Afternoon - 1 apple crumble granola bar, 1/2 cup grapes, 5 strawberries

Dinner - 1 serving salmon and 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies

Not even my 'big' pants fit me properly now...

Breakfast: 1 whole grain bagel with 2 tblspns peanut butter spread

Morning: 1 cup coffee with sugar and cream, 1 apple crumble granola bar

Lunch: 1 & 1/2 cups oriental-style rice

Afternoon: 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, 2 Halls throat drops

Plan for Dinner: 1 serving salmon, 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies

Snack: 1 serving chips (I know i'll eat them because they're in the house - that's the only motivation I need)

I am taking meds because i'm having some trouble with my wisdom teeth, so it's been quite the week. I have a dentist's appt tomorrow though, so hopefully he will be able to minimize the pain a bit more, or not make it any worse anyways. Walking in the morning tomorrow and I STILL need to phone about getting a gym key. God i'm slow.

Canadian Thanksgiving was this weekend, and we were 'blessed' (that's sarcasm) with a feathery soft blanket of snow on Sunday. Then it melted a bit. Then snowed again on Monday. Then melted. I think it will all melt (I mean, I hope it will) by Friday; it's supposed to be just above zero all week, slowly getting warmer each day. So that's good. Without snow on the ground, I can keep my psycotic notion that it's still summer - even though i've already packed my summer clothes away.

A friend and I are walking on Tuesday and Thursday mornings for half an hour. It's working well so far because we don't call ahead to find out if we're walking or not - she just shows up on my doorstep and we walk. It's an expectation. Still nothing new regarding Weight Watchers - we'll see what the next month or two will bring.

Is it really October already?

I am failing at most aspects of my life right now, including diet and exercise. I was talking to a friend last week who mentioned she might be interested in attending Weight Watchers meetings if she had someone else to go with. So I told her that I would go with her. I really dislike being in social situations and having to put a fake smile on my face and play down all the bad things and be happy and joy-joy and all that, but I know that I need to do something different. I need a fresh start, without bricks weighing me down - my boyfriend, my family, my job, and my mental health.

Not that i'm intending on throwing the bricks away, no, no. They can always be re-used, unless they're crumbling (which I don't think is the case). Am I rambling?

OMG, is it really Friday already????

I got an e-mail from my brother yesterday, titled 'Memories of...2008'. Attached to the e-mail was a document that asked about twenty or so questions regarding what you'd done in the last year. One question was 'What was your favorite food for the year?'. This was my answer:

"I. like. bread. I will always like bread and bread products. Heck, hand me a big slab of raw dough and I�ll most definitely be about as happy as a pig in s**t. Oh, tacos too. It doesn�t matter if they�re round, triangle, multi-grain or seasoned with ketchup and gravy. No worries. I�ll eat �em."

Another question was 'What were some of the lowlights of the last year?' and I answered:

"Anxiety, job stress, frustration with people in general, and having to constantly fight depressive tendencies. All in the same sentence so that I don�t have to spend too much time thinking about what I just wrote."

I know all of my answeres were covered... no, SMOTHERED, in sarcasm and dry humour. I often tell people that when they joke about themselves they're in fact very self-conscious and tend to doubt themselves in those same areas they joke about. In all of my 'finding myself' entries that i've ever written here on diet diaries, this one is probably the most truthful in that I haven't really 'found myself' yet. I don't know if I ever will. Isn't that horribly sad?