- Wednesday Jul 29, 2009
I think i'm stretching myself pretty thin. My stress level just keeps going up, no matter what I do to control it. I find myself incessantly changing my mind about things: renting an apartment, renting a house, renting a storage unit, taking my dog to someone else's for now, staying where I am since ex will not be around for two weeks in August, blah-de-blah-blah-blah. I received an e-mail from my mortgage specialist to call her and I can't seem to get a hold of her so I have no idea what is going on there. My ex's mother seems to think we're going to start 'dating' again and I just don't have the strength to set her straight. I have to budget in lawyer's fees for a house purchase, furniture and appliances and I don't know where i'm going to find the money!! AAAH!!! Those are only a few things going through my mind, there are so many that I can't even think straight anymore - there's also a gathering of friends coming up this weekend and we have to decide who gets to go because i'm not sure we can both be in the same place at the same time. I betcha if I read all this back to myself i'd make about a thousand changes and this entry would just turn into another funny or silly entry that skims over the issues and covers up the pain. Today, i'm not in the mood to fix it.
Still haven't been eating much, although I went to a friend's for supper last night and I could actually taste the food I ate this time. Ex bought a sandwich for lunch for me today but I couldn't eat it - I brought it to work with me and if I don't eat this afternoon then i'll just eat it for supper. I have another house to see tonight.
I'm probably being sporadic and tangenty - I can't seem to get enough sleep either. I was dead in the water last night because of the stressful day I'd had, but I still only slept six hours. It felt like two. I asked ex that since he was off work today he could pick up some storage boxes for me and go to our phone company to split up our cell phone bills. My goodness, all i'm doing is writing out a to-do list for you all to read! I'm sorry!
- Tuesday Jul 28, 2009
Ugh. Tired. Stressed. No nice homes to buy. No apartments to rent. Rumors flying around town. Families hurt and confused.
And two more weeks until vacation.
Life is short, so why does it have to be so hard?
- Monday Jul 27, 2009
Ugh, last week was horribly stressful. I'd been so stressed out about having to get out of the house and with the way ex had been treating me that i'd been staying as busy as possible in order to not have to deal with him until he could be decent with me. Thank goodness this weekend was much better.
On Friday night I went over to a friend's place for supper and had four chicken wings and some salad. Saturday I was gone with my Dad most of the day, we had lunch together (ham sandwich and salad) but I didn't eat dinner. That night I went to a street dance with some other friends. Yesterday I went for brunch with more friends (again, thank goodness for friends) and one made me pack up my leftover egg omellette so that I could eat it for breakfast today :-).
I checked out house listings and found another one I wanted to look at, so took the info down and I will be viewing it today. Then ex was at home so I asked him to bring up some of my boxes from the basement and we went through them. I took a break afterwards and hit up another friend for a drink on her deck, then ex and I even went for dinner together. I have to say he helped out a lot yesterday, which I am very grateful for as that means we are getting over the emotional garbage, even if only by an inch or two!
This morning I could only eat some of the leftover egg omellette, so I brought more crackers to work with me, and a great big mocha with my name on it is sitting right here waiting for me to crack it open!
Here's to Mondays...
- Friday Jul 24, 2009
Feeling blah again today, nervous and hoping today goes well in the house searching department. I *think* i've passed the angry stage now, in case you were wondering, and i've moved on to indifference and haughtiness. The good news is that I can admit it, the bad news is that everyone has to put up with me!
A friend's birthday was last night, so I tagged along with them for supper and drinks. It was a lot of fun - when your friends can make you belly laugh even in the worst of times, hang on to them tiny grasshoppers, they're the good ones.
Ate steak and salad yesterday. Today my Dad is coming to help with house searching, so i'm assuming he'll make sure we eat lunch, and i'm invited to yet another friend's house tonight for a bbq. They're going to make sure i'm eating!
- Thursday Jul 23, 2009
Not much to say today, just would rather be at home sleeping.
I have an appointment at the bank today after work and I'm looking at houses tomorrow afternoon. On Saturday, Dad is taking me to a winery (like that's a good idea given the condition i'm in! Yea, bring on the wine!) and then we're going on a trailride. I haven't been on a horse in years.
So it will be back to brutal reality on Sunday, then. I'm going through all the emotions, so at least I know i'm grieving properly. I'm angry right now.
- Wednesday Jul 22, 2009
Blah. Packing seems like a wickedly difficult chore now. I sort of wandered around the house yesterday and don't think I packed a single thing! I moved things around, picked up one pile and switched it with another pile, but really don't think I accomplished much. Then my friend phoned and took me out to the ballgame, so the rest of the night was good! BF and I were supposed to talk money last night but he wigged out on me so now it's left for another day. I am looking at homes on Friday, already set up viewing times with the realtor, so I hope he is ready to talk about it tonight.
After work I ended up having a little cry outside with the dogs. I am going to miss the bigger one, the one that will probably stay with BF. He's a handful, that dog, but i'm still going to miss him! He always knows when you're feeling sad and he'll always sit right beside you (he would sit on top of you if he could!) and lean into you. Anyways, I took a short nap afterwards and forgot all about eating supper. This morning I tried to eat cereal, but it wasn't going down very well so I left half of it. Bought myself a mocha though, and I brought some crackers to work with me. Maybe those i'll be able to eat.
Slo-pitch is tonight. So many obstacles. Like I said to someone yesterday regarding the break-up: [change]... It's just a pain in the a$$!!!!!!
- Tuesday Jul 21, 2009
It was a cold, dark night in the world yesterday. BF and I decided to split. To be truthful, I feel kind of... relieved. I know this is a new chapter in my life that I must walk through on my own. It will be a tough little while until everything is finalized, but such is life. This too shall pass, right?!
I haven't been eating much for the last couple of days but i'm making up for it in exhorbitant amounts of calorie-rich mochas. I don't look forward to the pounding headaches i'll receive when life is back to normal and I don't need the insane amount of caffeine i'm taking in now. This morning I had some cereal for breakfast, and lettuce with bacon for lunch. I plan to bbq chicken burgers for supper and I have leftover rice in the fridge. I just sighed when I read that last sentence back to myself - it seems like so much work. Can't I just take a nap instead?!
Tai-chi was on the slate for tonight, and I am hoping i'll have the motivation to go as it will get me out of the house and keep me from spiralling into self-pity. I'm really good at self-pity.
- Monday Jul 20, 2009
Well, the depo shot really did a number. You don't quite know how strong that stuff actually is until it's already deeply imbed in your body. My flow cut in half and besides cramping, the rest of my period went over quite well, physically speaking. Crazy scary stuff.
I did a lot more cleaning and packing this weekend, which I believe made bf go a little crazy himself. I think he's decided he is not going to take responsibility for anything that has happened to us in the last few years, which I would say is very immature - but I guess I've been blind. I checked up on separating in Canada if you're common law partners, and basically you split things up to whomever purchased what. For example, since the house is in bf's name, I would need to find another place to live. This may be difficult for me as I have quite a debtload at the moment but I think I will make an appointment with the bank and see if there is anything I can do. I really don't want to rent. I'd rather buy a house and pay a mortgage down and if I ever decide to move then I have something to liquidate.
I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend as well, which was a life-saver. Thank goodness for friends! I ate well, meaning good portions not huge portions. At this particular time of the day, I am back on track and my mind is clear on what I need to do to better my life. Get rid of the grey matter blocking my future!
Not much for exercise, so I need to work on that, but for right now I am going to concentrate on my eating and go from there. I simply can't do it all right now.
- Friday Jul 17, 2009
I finally got my period yesterday. I've only been waiting (aka dreading) to get it for three or four days now. Anyways, it shut me down for the day, except for a brief walk last night, about half an hour long. That much I had to do, just to get out of the house.
I also went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me depo provera again. I am not a fan of this stuff, and it almost made me cry when I vocalized what I was there for, but I know I need to do something. My referral to a specialist will not go through until at least this fall. I had to do something now. So, everyone, be prepared for some seriously wacked entries. Don't be alarmed if they teeter on the brink of sanity. Best to pass over my entries unless you want to be pulled down into the darkness with me. Geez, I need to stop watching scary movies. They really go to my head. I watched "Knowing" and "Unborn" last night. Hee-hee! See, it's starting already.
Well, I am debating suggesting to bf that I find another place to live. I really don't want to do it while i'm so sick, and while he's actually trying to change (it happens for about a week or so, then back to the same old). There are also so many factors to consider that I keep spinning it around in my head and can come up with no real great fix. I know I am just scared to take the plunge, but if he won't man up, then I have to.
OK eating yesterday, had some mac 'n cheese which wasn't the brightest idea, but kept it under control after that with salad and chicken, and one slice of garlic toast. Then I had popcorn during the movie.
Rollin' on down the road!
- Wednesday Jul 15, 2009
The weather was not well enough to go for a walk yesterday. It was rainy and windy and all around miserable. JULY, Mother Nature! JULY!!! Today we are supposed to be playing slo-pitch, but I don't know. It's cold, people. Cold. 11 degrees celsius. JULY!!!
Instead, I went out and bought myself some storage containers then went to a friends for a bit to avoid being at home. Once home, I packed some more clothes into a garbage bag to take to the thrift store on Thursday. I'm going to use the storage containers for seasonal items, which are scattered throughout the house and are in need of analyzing for worthiness.
A friend of mine suggested maybe bf's waiting for me to break it off and is refusing to man up and do it himself. I think I just need to take the plunge and get this crapiness over with. It's time for change!!
I ate well last night - salmon, rice, corn and lettuce (sans dressing again - it's garden lettuce and is very tasty all on its own), then frozen yogurt with strawberries. Two cups of coffee that I didn't need, but hey, that's better than some days!