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legcramps - Wednesday Jul 29, 2009

Weight: 0.0

I think i'm stretching myself pretty thin.  My stress level just keeps going up, no matter what I do to control it.  I find myself incessantly changing my mind about things:  renting an apartment, renting a house, renting a storage unit, taking my dog to someone else's for now, staying where I am since ex will not be around for two weeks in August, blah-de-blah-blah-blah.  I received an e-mail from my mortgage specialist to call her and I can't seem to get a hold of her so I have no idea what is going on there.  My ex's mother seems to think we're going to start 'dating' again and I just don't have the strength to set her straight.  I have to budget in lawyer's fees for a house purchase, furniture and appliances and I don't know where i'm going to find the money!!  AAAH!!!  Those are only a few things going through my mind, there are so many that I can't even think straight anymore - there's also a gathering of friends coming up this weekend and we have to decide who gets to go because i'm not sure we can both be in the same place at the same time.  I betcha if I read all this back to myself i'd make about a thousand changes and this entry would just turn into another funny or silly entry that skims over the issues and covers up the pain.  Today, i'm not in the mood to fix it.

Still haven't been eating much, although I went to a friend's for supper last night and I could actually taste the food I ate this time.  Ex bought a sandwich for lunch for me today but I couldn't eat it - I brought it to work with me and if I don't eat this afternoon then i'll just eat it for supper.  I have another house to see tonight.

I'm probably being sporadic and tangenty - I can't seem to get enough sleep either.  I was dead in the water last night because of the stressful day I'd had, but I still only slept six hours.  It felt like two.  I asked ex that since he was off work today he could pick up some storage boxes for me and go to our phone company to split up our cell phone bills.  My goodness, all i'm doing is writing out a to-do list for you all to read!  I'm sorry!

halley on 07/29/2009:
It's ok - you have so much on your plate right now. If I might suggest that if finances are tight, you don't want to put yourself in a hole by getting a mortgage that stretches your money too thin. Be very careful. Ask your loan officer your DTI (debt to income) ratio. Ask for very candid advice about what you can afford. Try to stay around 30%. Just make sure you can comfortably afford a new home, and don't forget to include all your taxes in that ratio.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/29/2009:
wait, when did you guys break up?? only a month or so ago i was reading about you exercising with him, no!? remember, like tennis and all!? what on earth happened? but if it's for the best, then that's it.

yeah, you sound sporatic. try at least to plan to sleep enough to set your mind straight again.

hollybelle on 07/29/2009:
If writing a to do list helps you - we'll read it....no biggie. Hang in there - try to take care of yourself extra well these stressful weeks - it WILL get better.

legcramps - Tuesday Jul 28, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Ugh. Tired. Stressed. No nice homes to buy. No apartments to rent. Rumors flying around town. Families hurt and confused.

And two more weeks until vacation.

Life is short, so why does it have to be so hard?

halley on 07/28/2009:
Rumors? That does not sound good. Don't add overeating to your list of stressors. Relax, exercise, know that things will get better.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/28/2009:
life is not hard. look foward to your vacation!!!

legcramps - Monday Jul 27, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Ugh, last week was horribly stressful.  I'd been so stressed out about having to get out of the house and with the way ex had been treating me that i'd been staying as busy as possible in order to not have to deal with him until he could be decent with me.  Thank goodness this weekend was much better.

On Friday night I went over to a friend's place for supper and had four chicken wings and some salad.  Saturday I was gone with my Dad most of the day, we had lunch together (ham sandwich and salad) but I didn't eat dinner.  That night I went to a street dance with some other friends.  Yesterday I went for brunch with more friends (again, thank goodness for friends) and one made me pack up my leftover egg omellette so that I could eat it for breakfast today :-). 

I checked out house listings and found another one I wanted to look at, so took the info down and I will be viewing it today.  Then ex was at home so I asked him to bring up some of my boxes from the basement and we went through them.  I took a break afterwards and hit up another friend for a drink on her deck, then ex and I even went for dinner together.  I have to say he helped out a lot yesterday, which I am very grateful for as that means we are getting over the emotional garbage, even if only by an inch or two!  

This morning I could only eat some of the leftover egg omellette, so I brought more crackers to work with me, and a great big mocha with my name on it is sitting right here waiting for me to crack it open!

Here's to Mondays...

halley on 07/27/2009:
Glad things are getting at least a little better at home. I'm sure you will fell great you are in your own place!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2009:
yum. coffee is the greatest, aint it!?

so glad you had the weekend to recharge your mind. those types of weekends are the greatest.

legcramps - Friday Jul 24, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Feeling blah again today, nervous and hoping today goes well in the house searching department.  I *think* i've passed the angry stage now, in case you were wondering, and i've moved on to indifference and haughtiness.  The good news is that I can admit it, the bad news is that everyone has to put up with me!

A friend's birthday was last night, so I tagged along with them for supper and drinks.  It was a lot of fun - when your friends can make you belly laugh even in the worst of times, hang on to them tiny grasshoppers, they're the good ones.

Ate steak and salad yesterday.  Today my Dad is coming to help with house searching, so i'm assuming he'll make sure we eat lunch, and i'm invited to yet another friend's house tonight for a bbq.  They're going to make sure i'm eating!

halley on 07/24/2009:
Laughter helps. This could be a really exciting time for you!

nenak on 07/24/2009:
good luck on the house front! any enjoy your friends they sound great!

MoodyMe on 07/24/2009:
I really hope that the house hunting goes well...thats exciting!! At least I think so!

So glad to hear that you are getting out with friends and not isolating yourself...keep your chin up..

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/24/2009:
:) glad to hear things are good.

h82bfat on 07/25/2009:
Friends, family and laughter will get you through anything. Glad you are surrounded by ALL of them! Have FUN house hunting. Remember - the future is YOURS!

legcramps - Thursday Jul 23, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Not much to say today, just would rather be at home sleeping.

I have an appointment at the bank today after work and I'm looking at houses tomorrow afternoon.  On Saturday, Dad is taking me to a winery (like that's a good idea given the condition i'm in!  Yea, bring on the wine!) and then we're going on a trailride.  I haven't been on a horse in years.

So it will be back to brutal reality on Sunday, then.  I'm going through all the emotions, so at least I know i'm grieving properly.  I'm angry right now.

halley on 07/24/2009:
Trailride!!! Super fun! Wishing you all the best in your home search. We recently bought a new house and we love it!

legcramps - Wednesday Jul 22, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Blah.  Packing seems like a wickedly difficult chore now.  I sort of wandered around the house yesterday and don't think I packed a single thing!  I moved things around, picked up one pile and switched it with another pile, but really don't think I accomplished much.  Then my friend phoned and took me out to the ballgame, so the rest of the night was good!  BF and I were supposed to talk money last night but he wigged out on me so now it's left for another day.  I am looking at homes on Friday, already set up viewing times with the realtor, so I hope he is ready to talk about it tonight.

After work I ended up having a little cry outside with the dogs.  I am going to miss the bigger one, the one that will probably stay with BF.  He's a handful, that dog, but i'm still going to miss him!  He always knows when you're feeling sad and he'll always sit right beside you (he would sit on top of you if he could!) and lean into you.  Anyways, I took a short nap afterwards and forgot all about eating supper.  This morning I tried to eat cereal, but it wasn't going down very well so I left half of it.  Bought myself a mocha though, and I brought some crackers to work with me.  Maybe those i'll be able to eat.

Slo-pitch is tonight.  So many obstacles.  Like I said to someone yesterday regarding the break-up:  [change]... It's just a pain in the a$$!!!!!!

halley on 07/22/2009:
I know this is a tough time for you, but it seems like it really is for the best. I wish you well.

legcramps - Tuesday Jul 21, 2009

Weight: 0.0

It was a cold, dark night in the world yesterday.  BF and I decided to split.  To be truthful, I feel kind of... relieved.  I know this is a new chapter in my life that I must walk through on my own.  It will be a tough little while until everything is finalized, but such is life.  This too shall pass, right?!

I haven't been eating much for the last couple of days but i'm making up for it in exhorbitant amounts of calorie-rich mochas.  I don't look forward to the pounding headaches i'll receive when life is back to normal and I don't need the insane amount of caffeine i'm taking in now.  This morning I had some cereal for breakfast, and lettuce with bacon for lunch.  I plan to bbq chicken burgers for supper and I have leftover rice in the fridge.  I just sighed when I read that last sentence back to myself - it seems like so much work.  Can't I just take a nap instead?!

Tai-chi was on the slate for tonight, and I am hoping i'll have the motivation to go as it will get me out of the house and keep me from spiralling into self-pity.  I'm really good at self-pity.


MoodyMe on 07/21/2009:
Sigh~sorry about the split but it sounds like you know it's for the best...not that it makes it any easier right now..but know that things DO get easier...This feeling won't last forever...Surround yourself with positive people who want the best for you...Hugs..hang in there

h82bfat on 07/22/2009:
Don't focuss on the "what if's" - focuss on what will be. You will be healthier, which leads to a better mind frame, a better body, a better life - and hopefully a better man. Try not to compensate with food (Girl - I know its hard) but try to compensate with a walk or some floor exercises and think about where those steps and moves will be taking you. The future is yours - it belongs to you - go and GET IT! Walk with confidence and your head held high. YOU have the power to make the saying LIFE IS GOOD your reality.

legcramps - Monday Jul 20, 2009

Weight: 0.0

Well, the depo shot really did a number.  You don't quite know how strong that stuff actually is until it's already deeply imbed in your body.  My flow cut in half and besides cramping, the rest of my period went over quite well, physically speaking.  Crazy scary stuff.

I did a lot more cleaning and packing this weekend, which I believe made bf go a little crazy himself.  I think he's decided he is not going to take responsibility for anything that has happened to us in the last few years, which I would say is very immature - but I guess I've been blind.  I checked up on separating in Canada if you're common law partners, and basically you split things up to whomever purchased what.  For example, since the house is in bf's name, I would need to find another place to live.  This may be difficult for me as I have quite a debtload at the moment but I think I will make an appointment with the bank and see if there is anything I can do.  I really don't want to rent.  I'd rather buy a house and pay a mortgage down and if I ever decide to move then I have something to liquidate.

I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend as well, which was a life-saver.  Thank goodness for friends!  I ate well, meaning good portions not huge portions.  At this particular time of the day, I am back on track and my mind is clear on what I need to do to better my life.  Get rid of the grey matter blocking my future!

Not much for exercise, so I need to work on that, but for right now I am going to concentrate on my eating and go from there.  I simply can't do it all right now.

MoodyMe on 07/20/2009:
Uggg, I had the Depro shot years ago and it messed me up for nearly 8 months~never again!!! In fact one of the things the docs wanted to try before performing a hysterectomy was the Depro..I said No way absolutely not!!! (I was only 33 when I had my hysterectomy and the docs were concerned) ...anyway....Good luck with it..Go easy on yourself..If you react anything like me I was a mental case for quite some time..LOL

As for the b/f situation...I wish you the best of luck..been there a few times and it's never easy, even when you know it's for the best...

Take care of YOU first and foremost..and WTG on eating so well this weekend..Glad you have a good support system of friends...

legcramps - Friday Jul 17, 2009

Weight: 0.0

I finally got my period yesterday.  I've only been waiting (aka dreading) to get it for three or four days now.  Anyways, it shut me down for the day, except for a brief walk last night, about half an hour long.  That much I had to do, just to get out of the house.

I also went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me depo provera again.  I am not a fan of this stuff, and it almost made me cry when I vocalized what I was there for, but I know I need to do something.  My referral to a specialist will not go through until at least this fall.  I had to do something now.  So, everyone, be prepared for some seriously wacked entries.  Don't be alarmed if they teeter on the brink of sanity.  Best to pass over my entries unless you want to be pulled down into the darkness with me.  Geez, I need to stop watching scary movies.  They really go to my head.  I watched "Knowing" and "Unborn" last night.  Hee-hee!  See, it's starting already.

Well, I am debating suggesting to bf that I find another place to live.  I really don't want to do it while i'm so sick, and while he's actually trying to change (it happens for about a week or so, then back to the same old).  There are also so many factors to consider that I keep spinning it around in my head and can come up with no real great fix.  I know I am just scared to take the plunge, but if he won't man up, then I have to.

OK eating yesterday, had some mac 'n cheese which wasn't the brightest idea, but kept it under control after that with salad and chicken, and one slice of garlic toast.  Then I had popcorn during the movie.

Rollin' on down the road!


halley on 07/17/2009:
I know it's hard to do, but stress is not good for you. If this realtionship is over, you need to move on. If it's not, you need to get your mind back in it.

Quit watching movies that you know will have a bad effect on you. It's just like eating junk food - feels good at the time, but you pay for it later. Why fill you head or body with junk that will just bring you down???

HAve a great weekend.

hollybelle on 07/17/2009:
I see you are in Canada and that healthcare is an issue for you. I am in the health insurance industry right now. The US is certainly going through some interesting times right now over our healthcare reform bill. What I am afraid of is waits of many months for treatment like you are talking about here. My daughter uses something called Nuva-ring a birthcontrol sponge that helps her periods. Also I had a procedure called uterine albation a couple of months ago that have helped me trememndously. You can't have that if you still want children, though. Hope you feel better - counteract the bad stuff by doing good things for your body!

legcramps - Wednesday Jul 15, 2009

Weight: 0.0

The weather was not well enough to go for a walk yesterday.  It was rainy and windy and all around miserable.  JULY, Mother Nature!  JULY!!!  Today we are supposed to be playing slo-pitch, but I don't know.  It's cold, people.  Cold.  11 degrees celsius.  JULY!!!

Instead, I went out and bought myself some storage containers then went to a friends for a bit to avoid being at home.  Once home, I packed some more clothes into a garbage bag to take to the thrift store on Thursday.  I'm going to use the storage containers for seasonal items, which are scattered throughout the house and are in need of analyzing for worthiness. 

A friend of mine suggested maybe bf's waiting for me to break it off and is refusing to man up and do it himself.  I think I just need to take the plunge and get this crapiness over with.  It's time for change!!

I ate well last night - salmon, rice, corn and lettuce (sans dressing again - it's garden lettuce and is very tasty all on its own), then frozen yogurt with strawberries.  Two cups of coffee that I didn't need, but hey, that's better than some days!

Chugging away!

MoodyMe on 07/15/2009:
Sounds like you had a busy and productive day!!

Good luck with the b/f thing...been there done that..

Wishing you a great night!

halley on 07/16/2009:
Sounds like you are really done with him. Get it over with - you'll be more motived to stay on track.

thinnside40 on 07/16/2009:
Best wishes to you in deciding your future...It has been something you've talked about for a while in wanting to move on without b/f..... Take Care of YOU!!!!!

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