The BBQ was cancelled and rescheduled for Sunday due to poor weather conditions, and yet it still poured on us on Sunday night as we got caught in the middle of a pretty bad storm.

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and I wonder sometimes why I have to make things so difficult. I can't learn to let go of things, they just fester and fester until they're rotting and broken and can't be fixed. I don't know why I have these feelings of anxiety so much - I really don't have a lot that should be on my mind, though it feels as though I am carrying the weight of the world. And the problem is that I can't focus on one thing at a time to relax the weight because I can't pick it out of my mind. Does that make sense? There seems to be a lot going on up there, but nothing I can literally pinpoint and work on. I feel lost and I don't have the proper resources to cope with that. At least I am not also depressed and even though i'm feeling swamped I think I am learning to be okay with that (or i'm just trying to ignore it).

My boyfriend has the first game of fastball playoffs tonight. I think I will probably end up going. It's a good excuse to get out of doing any exercise. If I DID exercise I would probably feel less anxious about things. If I ate less ice cream, that would probably help as well.

Why do we sabotage ourselves???

I didn't get the paperwork done for my grandma, but I did get outside and walk/run last night. We initially were only going to walk the dogs, but three quarters of the way through the walk our black lab started having some issues. He was spinning around in circles and trying to throw up. He would sit for a minute, then get up and walk around, then lay down for a bit, then get up and repeat the whole process. His eyes looked like they were bulging out but he was breathing fine so I don't know what happened. Anyways, I decided to run home, grab the car and drive back to where they were so that he wouldn't have to walk the rest of the way home and risk feeling worse and possibly not getting him home at all. And I ran. With the constant thought in the back of my head that I had to hurry because maybe my puppy was having a seizure and I couldn't just leave my boyfriend with the responsibility of deciding what to do. I grabbed our smaller dog by the leash and took off, hoping against hope that I would make it home before my lack of cardio talent caught up with me. I did. I'm not sure how far I went, maybe 1 kilometer, but I ran it. Fast. As fast as I could.

When I got home I threw the little dog into the house and took off in the car back to where i'd left my boyfriend and chewy, our black lab. He was getting better by this time, so we loaded him into the car and drove home. He layed down right away on the cold laminate floor for about 15 minutes, then got up for some water and layed down again. By bedtime, he was upstairs waiting for us to go to bed, back to normal. I have no idea what happened but I think the chances are good that we over-worked him while on the walk so we'll have to watch out for that in the future.

Anyhow, that was my exciting night yesterday.

Tonight is another fastball game. Tomorrow two more games. Tomorrow night a friend is having a backyard BBQ. I don't like the way this weekend is shaping up. I still have that paperwork to do for my grandma, I have a ton of clothes to wash and weeding to do, I need to put in some long runs and walks with the dogs and I have some reading i'd like to accomplish this weekend. If anyone can tell me how to accomplish all this, I would be very grateful!!!

I am still a little tired today but I can feel that I am slowly returning to normal. By the time the weekend comes around, I should be feeling a lot better.

We had our skills night last night in slo-pitch. I worked most of the night, but managed to take time out to enter into two different events. The first event was a throwing relay, where four of us threw to each other up and down the length of the field. The fastest team won. Our team ended up taking third place because of a few mis-throws. One of them thanks to me... :)oops. The second event I entered was the longest hit in the female division. This time I slid into first place by a skin-hair and won 18 holes of golf at our hometown golf course, which is a pretty nice course. Got home around 10pm (which is WAY better than previous years; i.e. 11:30pm, 12:30am, etc), had something to eat because I didn't get anything in for dinner, and went to bed. Not the greatest of habits to get into, but fortunately i'm usually hungry around 5pm and would never last until 10pm on a daily basis!!

Tonight I should be able to get outside for a run. No fastball. Only some paperwork to do for my grandmother, so I could probably take a time out to walk\run for a while. No excuses, right?!!!

:) Have a great day everyone!

I forgot that I was going to weigh myself this month, but I don't really think i've done anything worth getting weighed over. So i'm not going to. I just don't think I can handle the disappointment!

Slo-pitch skills night is tonight. This is an evening of fun and competition between individuals and teams. We enter contests such as longest hit, hardest throw, pitching accuracy, etc and there are also fun games like egg toss, three-legged race and a hot dog eating contest. I won't get as much exercise as usual, so i'll have to try and make up for it during the remainder of this week. I haven't done a lot of running in the last couple of weeks due to the increase in slo-pitch duties and other trip-related responsibilities. I need to get back on the ball with this as well, as the race is in August and I really have a long ways yet to go - as you could probably tell just by reading my first sentence!

The trip to see my brother went quite smoothly, although it was very tiring and going straight back to work may have been an oversight on my part. Oh well. I was okay yesterday, but am pretty tired today, even with a full night's rest. Hopefully tomorrow my head-fog will clear. I am probably not even making any sense, but am too lazy to re-read anything i've just written so you'll have to bear with me, please!

So, slo-pitch tonight, walk/run combo tomorrow night unless my boyfriend has yet another fastball game. I might throw up if he does. Too much fastball!!! Too much!

I am still doing alright with TOM, very surprising that I haven't had that much pain at all yet. Mostly just a lot of pressure on my back and some throbbing of the stomach muscles. We are leaving on a long trip tonight to see my brother for his birthday - about 20 hours of driving, one way. We have three drivers though, so that will help a bit. I am looking forward to the excursion, believe it or not, I love road trips - I only hope my back and knees hold out for that long!!! :):)

Last night's slo-pitch game was really good. I managed an in-the-park home run because of the other team's errors (there was an overthrow to home plate) and i'm very happy about that because in all seriousness, my hit should have been caught. I was on the ball though, and all my other hits were pretty good. I also managed to catch a couple of balls in the field and playing first base. A little running gave me a bit of a reality check yesterday, showing how much inactivity i've been doing lately, sitting on my butt and watching fastball instead of doing something that might actually burn a few more calories. I need to get on that, but i'm in laze-mode right now and things are just too darn swamped and overwhelming when i'm in laze-mode! I need to pack after work today, and clean my runners (and a few hundred other things), then go to my boyfriend's fastball game, then we're off for the 20 hour drive.

I probably won't get back on here until next week, Tuesday or Wednesday, so have yourselves an awesome weekend, Happy Independence Day (July 4th) USA!!!

Well, we didn't get the amount we would have needed to put an offer on the acreage. It seems that because of my boyfriend's career choice, we are not a stable enough unit. We can still get a mortgage, just not for the high amount we were asking for. So we'll look around - I still think SOMEthing is better than NOthing, and it's an opportune time to have something that might make us some money in the long run. Who knows, but I think it's worth a try.

Back to work today, yesterday was spent watching fastball and getting a windburn :). I received my period yesterday morning as well, while I was out at the ballfield, miles from home. So that was fun, but at least I had my Advil with me! I had a long and interrupted night last night, and am thoroughly tired today but will persevere and get through it somehow. I can feel a lot of pressure in my stomach and lower back, but the real pain has not started yet (that will probably come tonight or tomorrow) and I am grateful for the bit of reprieve during the working hours. Hopefully it will stay this way for the remainder of the day.

Slo-pitch tonight, although I may not be playing depending on how sick I could still get...

Well we decided to phone the owners of that acreage I mentioned, and went out there to look at it this afternoon. It's really a beautiful area and I can now see why they're asking the price I initially thought was outrageous. We are going to talk to the bank hopefully this week and see what we can get for a mortgage, if it's even possible for us right now. If we can pull something off (nothing short of a miracle), we'll put in an offer before our trip to see my brother, and see what they counter-offer us.

My holidays are almost up, one more day then back to the grind. Thankfully, Tuesday is Canada Day so I will be off work, then i'll need some time off for our bank appointment, and THEN I need friday off. And the following monday. I'll be working three days this week, possibly two and a half depending on how long the bank keeps us there. I feel a little bad about that, but I have to get over it. Life is not all about working.

I just took my car into the dealership to get fixed. The "Check Engine Light" came on yesterday and it's been on ever since. I really do hope that it isn't major, because we are conserving every ounce of extra money we can to go and see my brother in July for his birthday. I would be crushed if we had to cancel on them in order to pay for the repairs. Holy tangent. Anyways, I walked home from the dealership, about a half an hour's walk. It's really hot out today!

My boyfriend and I looked at an acreage yesterday, one that I found online near our city. They are asking an outrageous price, but we are going through an economic boom at the moment and everything is being bought up - people are making mucho money over here! We haven't any money to invest in constructing homes or 'flipping' old ones, but if we did that's exactly what i'd be doing. Anyways, it's a nice enough acreage, bungalow house that probably needs some repair, deck, hot tub, double garage, shop and quonset. The yard is well maintained, too, with flowers, shrubs, a hydrant in the middle for easy watering (!!), a well and a nice entry lane. It is perfect for what we are looking for, just way too pricey. It's a shame, because then my boyfriend's younger brother could buy our house for himself and get started in life - right now he is still living with mom and dad and I don't think he's too happy about it!

I plan to finish laundry today, right now i'm working on the bedroom linens and after that I think i'm going to call it quits for a bit. I can't believe I had this much to do! We really need to go through our clothes and ship some off to the store in town that's like an army and navy but is called something that I can't remember right now so am not going to even try to think of. Sorry if that sentence was too long for everyone...

I need to take the dogs for a walk also. We managed to make an appearance at the slo-pitch BBQ last night in leiu of walking the dogs because I promised my boyfriend I would walk them today. So I must do that.

Have a good day everyone!

I guilted myself into running on Saturday at 2:00 in the afternoon, amidst rotting heat and mega mosquitoes and steam rising up from the roads. Serious!! Okay, maybe i'm exaggerating a little...

I walked the first 1k because I thought it would be beneficial in warming me up and providing me with the sustainability to manage 5k that day. After the 1k "warm-up", I was sweating profusely and swearing at just about anything that crossed my path. Thankfully, there were no passerby, only the blowing grass and a scurrying gopher here and there. So they got an earful. At 2k, I stopped for a break because I was overheating and it just was too hot for me. I contemplated turning around and walking home, making it a total of 4k instead of the prearranged 5k. Instead I crawled on, unable to see myself living with the failure of not even making it 5 kilometers. On I ran, diligently, shuffling through whatever mental anguish I could put myself through. At 3k I again stopped, this time I was certain there would be no more running for me. I admitted defeat and walked the rest of the 5k home (actually, it was closer to 6k, but who's counting?!) and once I was home was quite proud of myself for actually sticking it out and working through my disappointment in myself.

I guess we have good days and bad days.

Sunday I went shopping and got locked out of the house. Don't tell, but I know how to break into my house and had to do so on Sunday since my boyfriend was away playing fastball. Anyways, it left me with scrapes and bruises all along both my forearms, and a VERY tight and sore abdominal area for the next two days! When my boyfriend got home, we took the dogs for a walk.

Monday I was on holidays!!! I did lots of cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, etc. and I got my legs waxed FINALLY. I went to watch my boyfriend's fastball game, and when we got home we took the dogs for a walk.

Tuesday I was on holidays!!! I did lots of cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, etc. and that took me almost the ENTIRE day. My boyfriend and I went for supper when he got home, then we took the dogs for another walk. Our walks are approximately 4 to 5k long.

Wendesday I am on holidays!!! I am STILL doing laundry (this has got to be the 30th load), but managed to squeeze in a doctor's appointment this morning for an upper abdominal ultrasound. FINALLY. My boyfriend has a fastball game tonight that I will probably go and watch. My slo-pitch team is having a BBQ today, but I don't think i'll make it.

Thursday I am on holidays!!! I have to take my car in to get fixed (oh, I think it's going to cost me an arm and a leg... anyone want to donate to my cause? "Legcramps Needs to Get Around Town Using Things Besides her Feet, cause She is Lazy and Has Nothing Funny to Say") If it's nice I want to drive to the lake and sun-tan.

Friday I am on holidays!!! Nothing planned yet for friday... yippee, will it be an ACTUAL day off???! Can't wait!

Well, crappity crap crap crappay...

Of course, that means I did NOT run yesterday or today or at all since Tuesday. OOOOhhh, crappy crappy. I can sure piss myself off sometimes, you know? We did take the dogs for a walk though. I was all geared up ready to run, but we had just eaten hot dogs for supper and I could feel the mixture of whole wheat buns and hot dog meat choking my chest in an attempt to give me a bad case of heartburn. I just couldn't make myself run, no matter how much I tried. Plus, I was breathing heavily just from walking up a short incline. I was in no mood for running yesterday, lemme tell 'ya. I think i'm lucky I didn't physically hurt anyone yesterday because of my mood, to be completely honest with you. Yesterday, the word crappity crap crappay meant a few different things to me; it described my effort at running, my mood, the unfortunate series of events that happened upon a friend of mine... I think I summed it up when I said to her: "Just when you think you're rising up out of that big tub of sh!t, someone else sh!ts all over you again". Please 'scuse my french, but it is sometimes very true and although it's very unfortunate it's a part of life that we all have to endure at some point in time. Doesn't mean it ain't crappy.

I'm busy today shovelling all that crap back into the lagoon...