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legcramps - Wednesday Oct 08, 2008

Weight: 153.0

Is it really October already?

I am failing at most aspects of my life right now, including diet and exercise. I was talking to a friend last week who mentioned she might be interested in attending Weight Watchers meetings if she had someone else to go with. So I told her that I would go with her. I really dislike being in social situations and having to put a fake smile on my face and play down all the bad things and be happy and joy-joy and all that, but I know that I need to do something different. I need a fresh start, without bricks weighing me down - my boyfriend, my family, my job, and my mental health.

Not that i'm intending on throwing the bricks away, no, no. They can always be re-used, unless they're crumbling (which I don't think is the case). Am I rambling?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/08/2008:
NO RAMBLING here, girl! you're doing great just coming on here and writing what you want. i am the SAME as you in terms of social situations. i absolutely suck at them. i am FAR better when i'm with people who i'm VERY comfortable with and know VERY well! why is your bf weighing you down?? I think weight watchers would be wonderful for you because just being there and not around temptations (food or laziness - that's my case) should help! and, you can always get involved in a new class or exercise to break the boredom.

skinnyjeans on 10/09/2008:
I think it's a great idea to go to WW meetings with your friend...I always hear that doing something with a "buddy" helps you stick to it! Stay stong and think positive! :)

thinnside40 on 10/09/2008:
Building with recycled bricks sounds like some mighty good work to burn some calories at least.... Best of luck WW-ing it!... Keep us updated for sure.....

legcramps - Friday Sep 26, 2008

Weight: 153.0

OMG, is it really Friday already????

I got an e-mail from my brother yesterday, titled 'Memories of...2008'. Attached to the e-mail was a document that asked about twenty or so questions regarding what you'd done in the last year. One question was 'What was your favorite food for the year?'. This was my answer:

"I. like. bread. I will always like bread and bread products. Heck, hand me a big slab of raw dough and I�ll most definitely be about as happy as a pig in s**t. Oh, tacos too. It doesn�t matter if they�re round, triangle, multi-grain or seasoned with ketchup and gravy. No worries. I�ll eat �em."

Another question was 'What were some of the lowlights of the last year?' and I answered:

"Anxiety, job stress, frustration with people in general, and having to constantly fight depressive tendencies. All in the same sentence so that I don�t have to spend too much time thinking about what I just wrote."

I know all of my answeres were covered... no, SMOTHERED, in sarcasm and dry humour. I often tell people that when they joke about themselves they're in fact very self-conscious and tend to doubt themselves in those same areas they joke about. In all of my 'finding myself' entries that i've ever written here on diet diaries, this one is probably the most truthful in that I haven't really 'found myself' yet. I don't know if I ever will. Isn't that horribly sad?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/26/2008:
i don't think it's sad at all because who really does find themselves - completely!? i don't think anyone does. i wish i had found myself...but for most people i don't think that we can actually find ourselves. i think what we do is try to find a way to share a part of society and life with everyone else. but it doesn't mean that you should have yourself all figured out. lifes not meant to be that simple.

thinnside40 on 09/26/2008:
I don't think that it is that people need to "find" themselves.... They need to find their self-worth... That isn't an easy thing for most people to do...Then certain healing/growth/transformation will begin.... It wasn't until the turning "40" this year and reflecting how fast these last 10 years of my life have went by in the 'obese' state that I realized that nobody else was able to do the things for me that needed to be done.... I needed to step up to the plate, take responsibility for my actions (mostly hand to mouth) and make a better life for myself....

I wish you all the happiness and realizing that you are worth whatever effort you put into bettering "you".....

legcramps - Tuesday Sep 23, 2008

Weight: 153.0

Still nothing new on the job front. Still busy and can't stay for long. I feel guilty not getting on here long enough to comment, but I really can't help it, it's too busy!! I really think i'm over-extending myself and it's starting to catch up with me. Or, it's been catching up with me for the last two years and i'm finally realizing that I can't do everything I want to do. It sucks. Really. I'm getting old. boo. hoo.

I've had a rough go of it lately. My boyfriend is annoying and frustrating me and I wish almost everyday that he'd just find something to do that didn't involve me. And those wishes are coming true, so I have no one to blame but myself. It's a killer you know, staying at home while your boyfriend goes out all the time, whether it's work or play. I wish I could do that to him to show him how it feels, but I can't get myself to do that. I'm just not that kind of person. I mean, he chooses to do things that will involve other people. I know when i'm not wanted, but I wish he'd tell me i'm not wanted so that I can move on with my life, you know? Argh, not that I want to move on... forget it, i'm not making any sense. I'm not even going to re-read this paragraph, 'cause i'll end up deleting it all and then no one will know what's going on in my life!!

Okay, that's about all I wanted to say really. I hope you are all doing well and I hope that I will have time in the near future to comment on your diaries and let you know that i'm still around and I still care about how you're all doing.

legcramps - Thursday Sep 11, 2008

Weight: 153.0

Again, another quick entry. I've received no word yet on the position I applied for, but am hoping as each day goes by that I will get an interview. I know I am capable of much more than what i'm doing, and I feel like i'm just going to waste! Yes, i'm a freakin' GENIUS people, so USE my brain!!! People tell me I have an ego, but I think they're just jealous. hahaha.

Anyways, i've been walking but haven't been able to control my eating and it's really starting to bother me. I don't know, but I can tell - the weight's staying on incredibly well. I need bootcamp. I need less stress. I need peace. and quiet. and a new job with no mess.

Out for now.

Jen40 on 09/12/2008:
Have a relaxing weekend! :O)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/12/2008:
nice poem the second half of your entry. lol, it rhymes!

i know what you mean by no stress! i am nervous because this week was DEFINITELY VERY stressful...and i don't want to blow this whole weekend!

legcramps - Friday Sep 05, 2008

Weight: 153.0

Birthday party went alright - had some chicken and salad instead of pizza and ice cream, so i'd say it was a huge, roaring success...

It is so darn busy these days, and I only imagine it getting worse from here on out. I found a posting for another position yesterday, and I think i'm going to apply for it and see what happens, if I get an interview or anything. I'm ready to move on.

I need to get back to work. Take care all!

grumpy on 09/05/2008:
Good for you for hanging in there at the party. Good luck with the job!

anewhb on 09/05/2008:
Wow - you did good - having chick and salad instead of pizza! It feels good, doesn't it?

Moody2 on 09/05/2008:
Chicken salad over pizza! I'd call that a victory!! Good for you!

Good luck with the job!

Agent_Guber on 09/05/2008:
That's awesome that you chose a healthier dish.

jon'smom on 09/05/2008:
Have a great weekend!

Jen40 on 09/06/2008:
Have a great weekend! Sounds like you're making good choices.

legcramps - Thursday Aug 28, 2008

Weight: 153.0


Dinner - Chicken with potatoes, 1 Oreo Jello pudding. I didn't put anything on the potatoes, instead using the chicken sauce as a 'topping' for my spuds. Yeehaw. actually, it wasn't bad.

Also - cappaccino, water, and a couple advil.

I went for another 30 minute walk today after work and developed some very painful shin-splints. I thought they would go away if I just kept on walking, but they didn't. Oh well.


Breakfast - Almond Crunch cereal with 2% LACTOSE-FREE milk.

Morning Snack - grapes.

Lunch - salad with grilled chicken and light ranch dressing.

Afternoon Snack - grapes and honeydew melon. so far.

So far today at work I only felt like crying twice, was only very angry once, and only told one person off. God, i'm on a roll...still a pretty good day though, considering. I mean, my bad days must REALLY be bad if i'm calling this a good one, huh?!!

A birthday party tonight with pizza and ice cream. Ice cream's out, but I gotta eat. What can I do? I'll eat something before I leave so that I don't indulge in that much pizza. I can't do the pizza, I don't want to be more grumpy than usual!!

thinnside40 on 08/28/2008:
Oh Geeze...I can remember those painful shins & ankles back in February/March.. I had days I second-thought even going... This week getting back at it in routine has been a little like the beginning days, but not near as painful....

Your day sounds spectacular!.... Eat the pizza and you will be able to cross off maybe an episode of crying tomorrow..... LOL....Party On!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/28/2008:
eat some stuff beforehand...lots of veggies or even a small bowl of bran cereal. then, just have ONE slice pizza! :)

grumpy on 08/28/2008:
hope you were able to enjoy your party and eat. xo

Jen40 on 08/29/2008:
How did the birthday party go? One slice of pizza, even two isn't bad if you can plan it into the day ahead of time.

Jen40 on 08/29/2008:
How did the birthday party go? One slice of pizza, even two isn't bad if you can plan it into the day ahead of time.

legcramps - Wednesday Aug 27, 2008

Weight: 153.0

In a regained effort to monitor my food intake, i've started the food journal up again. Elect to skim through this entry if you'd like, though there MAY be some funny parts. Or not.


Breakfast - Almond Crunch cereal with 2% milk.

Lunch - Two Deluxe Pizza Pops. Stop. Dum. b.

Afternoon Snack - Two Oreo Jello Puddings. Yum. Stop. Dum. b.

Dinner - Two Deluxe Pizza Pops. Obviously I can't take my own advice.

I also had some water, gingerale, a couple of advil and a nice cold mocha with my best friend who cheered me immensely. I hope she knows that. I was tired, grumpy, pissed off and had a large headache for most of the day. I did (grumpily) take myself for a 30 minute walk though, which exhausted me to the point of going to bed before 10pm.


Breakfast - Almond Crunch cereal with 2% LACTOSE-FREE milk.

Lunch - Tossed salad with grilled chicken and light ranch dressing.

Afternoon Snack - Two Oreo Jello Puddings. hmn. not lactose-free.

Dinner - Staff BBQ!! Hot dog with whole wheat bun and ketchup, salads and vegetables and a slice of mud pie. not lactose-free.

I also had some water, a cappaccino and some non-alcoholic beer. It was a pretty good day - tough morning, but my boyfriend came in to the hospital for x-rays on his foot so we were able to have coffee together. That helped me break up the day a bit. And his foot is just fine. He also came to the staff BBQ and was a total hit with my co-workers. I'm glad, because I always vent to him when I have a bad day and I just assumed it would eventually anger him to the point of being an a-hole to them. We played Ukranian Golf, but I wouldn't call it exercise. I was in bed by 8:30pm, asleep by 9:30pm. Stick a fork and all that.


Breakfast - Almond Crunch with 2% LACTOSE-FREE milk.

Morning Snack - Grapes.

Lunch - Tossed salad with grilled chicken and light ranch dressing.

Afternoon Snack - Grapes. so far. but I also have a couple of Oreo Jello snacks in the fridge. calling my name. not lactose-free.

Also water and a cappaccino. I have a slight headache today, and took a couple of advil, but I am feeling incredibly well in spite of this. Potatoes and something will be dinner tonight, since my friend decided to empty her potato-garden and give most of it to me. But that's okay, 'cause... yum. With yummy toppings. Probably not lactose-free.

grumpy on 08/27/2008:
hey! i dont know when the date will be. the boy postponed, but i will let you know. this sunday is J's bday and i wanna look incredible to feel powerful and feel like i am too good for him. hahaha

thinnside40 on 08/27/2008:
I made H.M. French Fries with some of our garden spuds a few nights ago.... YUMMY!!!!

Your days seem to improve as they pass by..... Have a great evening!

WI3 on 08/27/2008:
Glad you had a good time at the company bbq! And glad to read that you are feeling better. I wish I had a friend with a garden close by! Veggies are so expensive. Have a wonderful evening!

legcramps - Tuesday Aug 26, 2008

Weight: 153.0

I kinda feel like i've been bit by a flu bug for the last couple of weeks. I am just EXHAUSTED, wow. I'm usually exhausted, but holy crow i'm really, REALLY exhausted these days...

My boyfriend placed 3rd overall in the 5k run, and 1st in his age category. I'm really happy for him, he did really well. He ran 5k in 21:35 (ish) and is planning on running it again next year. I hope he gets the running bug, because it will help me as well!!

We're spending our days trying to enjoy the last of summer/autumn and preparing for another cold winter. Lots of fastball yet to be played, and season-end wind-ups for this team and that team. Busy busy! Work is steadily increasing, which is driving me bonkers, but i'm hanging in there so far.

Right now i'm walking three days per week, no running at the moment but i'm hoping to work that in once I get myself a gym membership for the winter and can run on the nice shock-absorbing treadmill for a change. I'm really watching my nutrition because I think i'm lactose-intolerant and I keep getting really sick and depressed after a bout of pizza or ice cream!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/26/2008:
then being lactose intolerant is a PLUS! wish i could say the same...not. i guess there's more harm in being intolerant than good.

what's a running bug!?

sweetpea1977 on 08/26/2008:
Ugh, lactose intolerance! That sucks! But, the good thing is that there are a lot of good dairy-free products out there (including ice cream!)!

I hope your boyfriend catches the running bug too. Its nice having someone to run with and keep you accountable for your actions! :o)

~maria~ on 08/26/2008:
Hope you feel better!

legcramps - Saturday Aug 23, 2008

Weight: 153.0

I'm not running the race tomorrow. I've been sick for a few days and i'd be kidding myself if I thought i'd be able to run the thing. However, because I paid my registration already, I will be picking up my race-day package today and keeping the shirt.

I won't get a finisher's certificate. That sucks.

I've demoted myself to taking pictures of my boyfriend and my mother, both of which are participants. They suck.

I even took pledges for this race. To all the people who gave me money thinking I would finish the race - You suck.

Most of all. I suck.

thinnside40 on 08/23/2008:
With all that "sucking"....Maybe you should go get a TOOTSIE POP and put it in your mouth!

Try to have a good day, despite the feeling sick and non-running race..... Speedy healing!

WI3 on 08/23/2008:
At least you won't get sicker or injured pushing yourself when you aren't well...but I understand the sarcasm! Take care, hope you feel better soon!

hollybelle on 08/24/2008:
TIMING is what sucks! Won't be the last race and the pledge givers should have given with a generous spirit - whether or ot you finished the race, I sure hope they understand. Give the money anyway and do the race on your own to prove to yourself you can only when you feel better and healthy (maybe????)!

legcramps - Friday Aug 08, 2008

Weight: 153.0

I wonder what else I could be good at? I wonder, if I left my job today, what could I do that would make me happy?

It's too bad I don't know these answers... 'cause i'm ready to quit.

I'm sorry, but sometimes, I really hate people and their disgusting lack of morals. And I really wish I wasn't such an emotional person.

omahagrl on 08/08/2008:
What do you love to do or what makes you happy? I am 47 and would love to be able to start taking some culinary classes as if business gets better and I can walk away I would love to open a diner. Hope you have a better day!

Agent_Guber on 08/08/2008:
I am sorry you are having a hard time. I understand what you are saying, I am also so emotional. I hope that you find something that you wake up loving to do so you can find that part of happiness!

Jen40 on 08/08/2008:
I hope you soon find your 'thing'. I feel the same way sometimes too.

jolt on 08/09/2008:
Its not always easy is it. Close your eyes and picture where you see yourself and what you are doing, then go for it! you can do it!

Huggles N happy Dances


Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/09/2008:
do you have something else you are considering if you quit? i remember in the past you were not happy at your job. i agree it's cery important to like what you do. perhaps start looking for something else before you quit? feel better, legcramps.

sweetpea1977 on 08/13/2008:
I felt the same way when I was at my job. I went to college to become a vet, but that didnt happen. I ended up getting a job in the agriculture sector. I liked it at first, but knew it wasnt my true calling. Im a full-time mommy right now, but once my kids are in school, I want to have a job away from home. I didnt know what I wanted to do until I started losing weight a few years ago. I want to be involved with human health - either a fitness instructor for women or a massage therapist. I think helping others feel better is my true calling. This would have never popped into my head if I never decided to become healthier. Anyway, just try searching deep down inside to see if you can find what makes/made you feel the happiest. It may take a while, but it may be worth it. You never know what you may discover!

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