- Friday Jul 24, 2009
Feeling blah again today, nervous and hoping today goes well in the house searching department. I *think* i've passed the angry stage now, in case you were wondering, and i've moved on to indifference and haughtiness. The good news is that I can admit it, the bad news is that everyone has to put up with me!
A friend's birthday was last night, so I tagged along with them for supper and drinks. It was a lot of fun - when your friends can make you belly laugh even in the worst of times, hang on to them tiny grasshoppers, they're the good ones.
Ate steak and salad yesterday. Today my Dad is coming to help with house searching, so i'm assuming he'll make sure we eat lunch, and i'm invited to yet another friend's house tonight for a bbq. They're going to make sure i'm eating!
- Thursday Jul 23, 2009
Not much to say today, just would rather be at home sleeping.
I have an appointment at the bank today after work and I'm looking at houses tomorrow afternoon. On Saturday, Dad is taking me to a winery (like that's a good idea given the condition i'm in! Yea, bring on the wine!) and then we're going on a trailride. I haven't been on a horse in years.
So it will be back to brutal reality on Sunday, then. I'm going through all the emotions, so at least I know i'm grieving properly. I'm angry right now.
- Wednesday Jul 22, 2009
Blah. Packing seems like a wickedly difficult chore now. I sort of wandered around the house yesterday and don't think I packed a single thing! I moved things around, picked up one pile and switched it with another pile, but really don't think I accomplished much. Then my friend phoned and took me out to the ballgame, so the rest of the night was good! BF and I were supposed to talk money last night but he wigged out on me so now it's left for another day. I am looking at homes on Friday, already set up viewing times with the realtor, so I hope he is ready to talk about it tonight.
After work I ended up having a little cry outside with the dogs. I am going to miss the bigger one, the one that will probably stay with BF. He's a handful, that dog, but i'm still going to miss him! He always knows when you're feeling sad and he'll always sit right beside you (he would sit on top of you if he could!) and lean into you. Anyways, I took a short nap afterwards and forgot all about eating supper. This morning I tried to eat cereal, but it wasn't going down very well so I left half of it. Bought myself a mocha though, and I brought some crackers to work with me. Maybe those i'll be able to eat.
Slo-pitch is tonight. So many obstacles. Like I said to someone yesterday regarding the break-up: [change]... It's just a pain in the a$$!!!!!!
- Tuesday Jul 21, 2009
It was a cold, dark night in the world yesterday. BF and I decided to split. To be truthful, I feel kind of... relieved. I know this is a new chapter in my life that I must walk through on my own. It will be a tough little while until everything is finalized, but such is life. This too shall pass, right?!
I haven't been eating much for the last couple of days but i'm making up for it in exhorbitant amounts of calorie-rich mochas. I don't look forward to the pounding headaches i'll receive when life is back to normal and I don't need the insane amount of caffeine i'm taking in now. This morning I had some cereal for breakfast, and lettuce with bacon for lunch. I plan to bbq chicken burgers for supper and I have leftover rice in the fridge. I just sighed when I read that last sentence back to myself - it seems like so much work. Can't I just take a nap instead?!
Tai-chi was on the slate for tonight, and I am hoping i'll have the motivation to go as it will get me out of the house and keep me from spiralling into self-pity. I'm really good at self-pity.
- Monday Jul 20, 2009
Well, the depo shot really did a number. You don't quite know how strong that stuff actually is until it's already deeply imbed in your body. My flow cut in half and besides cramping, the rest of my period went over quite well, physically speaking. Crazy scary stuff.
I did a lot more cleaning and packing this weekend, which I believe made bf go a little crazy himself. I think he's decided he is not going to take responsibility for anything that has happened to us in the last few years, which I would say is very immature - but I guess I've been blind. I checked up on separating in Canada if you're common law partners, and basically you split things up to whomever purchased what. For example, since the house is in bf's name, I would need to find another place to live. This may be difficult for me as I have quite a debtload at the moment but I think I will make an appointment with the bank and see if there is anything I can do. I really don't want to rent. I'd rather buy a house and pay a mortgage down and if I ever decide to move then I have something to liquidate.
I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend as well, which was a life-saver. Thank goodness for friends! I ate well, meaning good portions not huge portions. At this particular time of the day, I am back on track and my mind is clear on what I need to do to better my life. Get rid of the grey matter blocking my future!
Not much for exercise, so I need to work on that, but for right now I am going to concentrate on my eating and go from there. I simply can't do it all right now.
- Friday Jul 17, 2009
I finally got my period yesterday. I've only been waiting (aka dreading) to get it for three or four days now. Anyways, it shut me down for the day, except for a brief walk last night, about half an hour long. That much I had to do, just to get out of the house.
I also went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me depo provera again. I am not a fan of this stuff, and it almost made me cry when I vocalized what I was there for, but I know I need to do something. My referral to a specialist will not go through until at least this fall. I had to do something now. So, everyone, be prepared for some seriously wacked entries. Don't be alarmed if they teeter on the brink of sanity. Best to pass over my entries unless you want to be pulled down into the darkness with me. Geez, I need to stop watching scary movies. They really go to my head. I watched "Knowing" and "Unborn" last night. Hee-hee! See, it's starting already.
Well, I am debating suggesting to bf that I find another place to live. I really don't want to do it while i'm so sick, and while he's actually trying to change (it happens for about a week or so, then back to the same old). There are also so many factors to consider that I keep spinning it around in my head and can come up with no real great fix. I know I am just scared to take the plunge, but if he won't man up, then I have to.
OK eating yesterday, had some mac 'n cheese which wasn't the brightest idea, but kept it under control after that with salad and chicken, and one slice of garlic toast. Then I had popcorn during the movie.
Rollin' on down the road!
- Wednesday Jul 15, 2009
The weather was not well enough to go for a walk yesterday. It was rainy and windy and all around miserable. JULY, Mother Nature! JULY!!! Today we are supposed to be playing slo-pitch, but I don't know. It's cold, people. Cold. 11 degrees celsius. JULY!!!
Instead, I went out and bought myself some storage containers then went to a friends for a bit to avoid being at home. Once home, I packed some more clothes into a garbage bag to take to the thrift store on Thursday. I'm going to use the storage containers for seasonal items, which are scattered throughout the house and are in need of analyzing for worthiness.
A friend of mine suggested maybe bf's waiting for me to break it off and is refusing to man up and do it himself. I think I just need to take the plunge and get this crapiness over with. It's time for change!!
I ate well last night - salmon, rice, corn and lettuce (sans dressing again - it's garden lettuce and is very tasty all on its own), then frozen yogurt with strawberries. Two cups of coffee that I didn't need, but hey, that's better than some days!
- Tuesday Jul 14, 2009
Gosh, i'm tired today. I'm lumbering around at work like i've just been scraped off the pavement after a really bad accident. I still have not gotten my period and it's really buggering me up 'cause I sort of was trying to prepare for it and waiting for something like that is not really all that much fun.
I went for a walk last night, it was almost exactly one hour but I still want to check to see how far I went. It felt good, but my calves were hurting a little bit through it all. I am going to try it again today (so long as the weather cooperates). That, plus I think I figured out how to transfer podcasts onto my mp3 player, so i'm actually in a pretty good mood thinking about what I can listen to later!
My eating yesterday was good, albeit a little on the high side of the calorie range, but still good. I stuck to the fish and rice, added corn and lettuce (sans italian dressing) then my boyfriend's sister came over and we watched an episode of her favorite tv show. After that we ate some frozen yogurt with strawberries.
Last night I ended up going over to a friend's place for a late night jam session. That's why i'm so tired and cranky today. I had three beer and a serving of chicken tandoori chips (wow. spicy.) If not for this outing, my eating would have been stellar!!! I left earlier than everyone else and when I woke up this morning my boyfriend had not gotten home yet. That burns my butt. Act responsibly! I'm just so on the outs with him already I don't even know what to do. I'm trying to get rid of a lot of my stuff *just in case* I decide i've had enough. It's the only thing I can do right now while trying to keep a sane mind about everything. He just doesn't get it. I think I am the wrong person for him and vice versa. That's the only conclusion I can come to. I continue to try and put the effort into this relationship, but at some point I have to stop myself and ask myself WHY. What am I getting out of it besides stress and heartache???
Breakfast - Fibre 1 cereal with 2% milk; mocha.
Lunch - salmon and rice.
Motor on, friends!
- Monday Jul 13, 2009
I need to get on this running stuff. I've been doing nothing for the past few weeks because of this and that and everything else and I need to stop the pity-party and get moving again! I've worked out a bit of a schedule and so long as I am able to follow it through, I should have no problems doing the 5k in around 33 minutes, which I think will be pretty good.
Today's task: walk 1 hour.
Gotta stop feeding the stomach so much, too. Attended a bridal shower/stagette this weekend and all we did was eat!!! It literally made me sick the next day. I am going to load up on rice, salmon, chicken and veggies this week.
This psychotic bouncing back and forth between trying and not trying has GOT to stop. I need to change everything.
I cleaned out some items in the house that were taking up space... a few more loads and I will be free of the clutter in my life and can begin to free the clutter in my head. My period is coming up any day now, but I will struggle through as well as I can, and then will make the life-decisions that I need to make in order to move on from this ailment for good (or at least for now). I can't allow this to run my life any longer.
Breakfast was Fibre 1 cereal with 2% milk.
Lunch will be rice with salmon and salad with italian dressing.
Happy motoring to all!
- Wednesday Jul 08, 2009
I thought I was doing well, but I weighed myself this morning and.... well... i've gained another 6 pounds in the last month. I feel pretty crappy about it. Really crappy, in fact.
Actually, I feel pretty crappy just in general. All the busy-ness of the past two weeks have caught up to me and i'm not only tired but i've picked up some type of stomach virus as well. And then I went and topped it all off by weighing myself. Hellooooo, what did you think you'd see on the scale?!
My period is coming in just a few days, so i'm sure i'll be feeling crappy for a good week. That sucks. There are too many things I want to do, and too many things that i'm missing out on. I'm so tired. What will give me some energy?