Tuesday: 1820 calories, no exercise.

Wednesday: I'm not done yet! But so far around 1000 calories. And yes, I went to kickboxing tonight.

I felt so much better after writing my emotional entry the other day. I did go right to sleep, but fell asleep quickly and slept very soundly the whole night through. There are some viruses going around and chances are i've felt the corner of one of them and simply am hideously feeling sorry for myself and perhaps a little out of sorts. These classes - anything that forces me to get up and do something - are really saving me right now. It's just incredibly hard to realize how much they can impact my mood. If I would have gone on Monday, I doubt very much I would have been in such a mood to write such an entry. I'm still not up to snuff and am still feeling a little sorry for myself, but better to live through it rather than ignore it until it goes away. I guess I need to find my own harmony before trying to accomplish something I can't help but keep destroying.

Thank you ladies for your kind thoughts and comments, it feels truly awesome to know that you are right there with me and if anyone will hold me accountable, you will. I have a habit of taking things for granted - so big hugs from me to you!

So, in the end, i'm still here. And none the worse for wear, in fact. While doing ab work tonight I noticed that my stomach is quite flat and my legs are muscled and strong. I should notice these things more often - the feel instead of the number, right?!

I stayed under 1500 calories up until Sunday. Dreadful Dunday. That's right - Done Day. Actually, that was a typo, but it seems to fit well.

I am in my downward spiral, which I knew would be approaching sooner or later. I feel crappy, and it's starting to show. I'm snapping at my boyfriend even though he buys me flowers for no reason; I don't want to be at work even though I love it and it pays the bills; I'm falling asleep by 8pm every night right through until morning and even then I don't want to wake up. It's 7:30 right now and i'm getting ready for bed - let's be honest, I already AM ready for bed.

I hit 2500 calories on Sunday. Then I weighed myself Monday night and although I should have known better, it depressed me to no end. So I skipped kickboxing class and wallowed in self-pity. All while stuffing my face to the point of nausea. Oh God, how my life is contingent upon a number. I'm so melodramatic. This morning I was going to turn it around. But by 10am I was dragging my butt around, only doing the things that needed to be done instead of looking forward to every challenge as I normally do. My friend is sick right now; when she stopped in to say 'hello' as only a good friend would, I spent the whole 10 minutes of her time complaining about how I don't feel good. Don't feel good? What a crock. I simply want to be coddled and pitied and not held accountable.

Tonight I watched a weight loss show on t.v. And for a moment there, a very fast moment, I wanted to show myself that I can get through this. And I pulled over the chair in the living room and did 63 step ups onto it in 2 minutes. Alas, upsetting myself once again by not being able to reach 66 steps - a number i'm pretty sure I pulled out of thin air. I then found a cookie. Good thing there was only one left.

Going to sleep now can only be a good thing - it means that I won't pull open the fridge door to check for leftovers and it means I won't drive my vehicle to the nearest gas station for chips or pop or chocolate.

Tomorrow night there will be another kickboxing class and as i've already begged a friend of mine to make me go, I can't see myself missing another class. You see, it's not that I want to miss these classes, it's not that I want to eat to the point of exhaustion. There is just something inside me saying 'you are not good enough, and I will make you fail'.

Tuesday: ? calories (didn't bring my book with me, but I know it was under 1500, possibly even under 1400), walked the dog for one hour. It's so much fun taking the dog for walks when we don't have to leash him - we take him later at night so that there's less of a chance meeting up with other dogs that may not like him. Anyways, we walked the regular route and Chewy rather likes to fall behind us, then run and catch up, and over and over. Once again we ran away on him and hid behind a tree. This time he was over to us in a flash - he must be catching on to our little trick. At least it ensures he is always aware of where we are, although i'm sure our jovial 'messing with his head' routine is making him frustrated!!

Wednesday: 1470 calories, or 1440 calories, something like that. I even had some room for popcorn during a rented movie last night, although I probably shouldn't have eaten past 8pm - isn't that a golden rule??? Went to kickboxing and found it suprisingly and pleasantly moderate instead of the usual extreme workout. Time to step it up to the next level I guess. The parts that make my head want to blow apart are the leg and upper body exercises at the end of the workout. My arms feel like jello today.

Again will be another night off from exercising. I might try to do some reading. I bought 2 mystery/horrors while in the city, both written by the same author. I've read one so far and found it fairly good, so i'm looking forward to the other one. If I could remember the author's name i'd tell 'ya, but I can't. She's written three books so far, all mysteries, about ghosts and psychic powers and apparently i'm into them...

Thursday: 1120 calories, gym

Friday: 1340 calories, no exercise (went out of town for the weekend to visit some relatives)

Saturday: 1970 calories, went rock-climbing and it was so much fun!!!!

Sunday: 2760 calories, no exercise. Didn't expect my mother and grandmother to come by and take us out for supper. I wasn't about to say no, because we have an ongoing argument about how much time I spend with my family. I got the fish and chips and only ate half of it, but that still pumped up my calorie count for the day. I was also extremely thirsty today and drank countless glasses of kool-aide. Water just wasn't making its debut.

Monday: 1400 calories, kickboxing and yoga. I almost threw up during the kickboxing workout, really worked myself a little too much. I don't know how these girls can giver heck for so long...I guess i'm either getting old or my stamina just isn't what it used to be! Eventually, though, i'll get there and i'll be able to keep up with the Jones'. haha.

I'm taking tonight off for exercise and doing the household things that I didn't get done on the weekend (groceries, dishes, laundry, blah blah blah).

We picked up Chewy from the farm when we got back into town and had to spend an hour giving him a bath. So the story goes, he got himself into a little predicament and ended up rolling around in it. If you can't imagine what 'it' might be, just think of horses and cows and pastures and what might be found in those pastures due to horses and cows digestive systems...evidently he was worn out from rolling around so much because when we finally got him home and cornered him onto a towel on the living room floor, he went straight to sleep. Unfortunately, this morning I woke up with him laying over top of my legs and in my efforts to stop the darn *buzzing* of the alarm without having the mobility of my legs I must've turned the thing off completely. I wasn't late for work, but I was pretty close to it. Just one of those days, today is.

Yesterday's calories: 1470

Exercise: none

The stubborn mule in me refused to do anything in the way of exercise yesterday. No excuses, right? Wrong. I am the Queen at excusing myself from doing things. I may feel a little guilty about it, but that won't last long. Good thing bf didn't want to do anything but fall asleep watching a movie last night, though I bet Chewy didn't like that idea at all.

I know I have some habits that I need to change. I just need a few tweaks. And i'm speaking generally; I need a few tweaks in every facet of my life. I can now fully realize that my problem areas are when i'm overly excited, happy, depressed, foul, etc. I'll have my fresh starts every so often and i'll screw things up every so often. I'm okay with that. I'll have those a-ha moments and give it all i've got for a month or two, and then i'll plunge back into my lazy habits. As long as i'm balancing out between the two and reaching goals i've set, it will all work out okay. RIGHT?!!!

Gym today after work, if my hips will allow.

Friday: 1320 calories, no exercise

Saturday: 2180 calories, no exercise

It wasn't that I was hungry and ate all day, moreso that I went out for breakfast (as is usually the case on the weekends) with my boyfriend and had an extra large meal that I don't usually have. And forget about cutting calories for the rest of the day. I don't care what anyone says - when you're in the habit of eating certain amounts at certain times throughout the day, it's incredibly hard to change. I figure this is something i'll just have to work around. Kind of like LIFE, huh.

Sunday: 2590 calories, no exercise

Again, that darn breakfast ruined my day. As well, Sunday nights are my other temptation, when we get the chance to sit down together and hash out the weeks' activities. We ordered in this time - it's not a usual circumstance though, so this will be something I can learn to control a little better.

Monday: 770 calories, kickboxing and yoga

I did actually make it to the yoga class on Monday night. Wow. I didn't think it would be as difficult as it was. My ignorance sure caught up with me these last few weeks! It was incredibly relaxing though, especially with the lights turned down and soft music playing. I loved it! Hope it will continue...

Tuesday: 1280 calories, gym

The treadmill kicked my butt and I could feel my hip joint starting to wedge its way out of its' socket as I was running. 47 minutes later I decided that it just wasn't important anymore and that floor exercises were really what I wanted to do.

I'm really sore today. Like I mean, really sore. If I stay put and sitting for more than 10 minutes I have trouble standing up off my chair. I'm tired, cranky and exhausted. And, of course, busy. I haven't stopped until now, the only thing carrying me forward is the chocolate-zuchinni muffin a co-worker ever so graciously forced on me. And gosh, was it good. I'm looking forward to chicken or salmon tonight, rice and some much needed vegetables. And no exercise. Thanks anyways.

Wednesday: 1470 calories; kickboxing class

Thursday: 1670 calories; no exercise

Kickboxing was much easier this time around - not as much lunging and kicking although i'm sure that will start up again on Monday's class. After this class was the stability ball and because I didn't have one, I just sat around and watched for a few minutes. I should have one in time for next week, as long as there's still a class. It's funny - as soon as I decide to sign up for these extra classes, the instructor decides she might not have them. So I may never get to try Yoga! We'll see on Monday I guess.

Not much planned for the weekend, I hope to sit around and be lazzzzzy and sleep a lot. Next week will be another busy one, so i'm really going to need my energy.

That's it for now - Have a great weekend everyone!

Hello all:

My calorie total for yesterday was 1430 and I added on a walk with the dog later at night for 200 cals burned. I'm still very sore from kickboxing, but i'm still going tonight!

We tried to hide on Chewy during our walk but the sucker sniffed us out. So he may be almost blind but he can sure use that nose!! At first I could barely hold my laughter because he was so desperately looking for us. I guess that's not very funny, is it, given the last encounter we've had with our runaway. Okay, i've slapped myself on the wrist for that comment, now let's move on. He was running back and forth and back and forth, finally finding us hiding behind a pine tree - then he had to sniff out the tree and make sure it was 'okay' for us to be there!! You may think I laugh far too much at my puppy, but having a 70lb black labrador, you'd think it was funny too. And when he looks at you with those big, dark, puppy dog eyes it's extremely hard to hold down the bubbling joy that rises and swallow the temptation to take hold of him and squeeze really tightly.

I was supposed to have a ball meeting tonight but i'm feeling rotten about some of the members and have decided that my priority is kickboxing class! Ha Ha! You just lost your recorder! For just this one meeting, anyways...

So this last week has been very interesting...

Apart from sticking to my diet (which is quite a feat in itself might I add), i've also taken up yet another exercise. I guess I was starting to get tired of going to the gym every morning, because I haven't been there in a few days.

Throughout the last couple of weeks i've been averaging around 1700-1800 calories per day. I've done some golfing and walking and taking the dog out for runs, but like I said - i've stayed away from the gym due to lack of momentum.

Last night was my first class in kickboxing with a different instructor. I found it amazingly hard, which is difficult for me to handle as i've had a lot of training in actual kickboxing and I didn't think it would be this hard for me! It kicked my butt regardless, and I have to deal with that fact. So I will continue going twice a week until I find myself being able to deal with the 60 minute hell on wheels workout. Then perhaps i'll get bored again...

Included on these nights are optional Yoga classes for 45 minutes. As I said, last night really kicked my butt so I opted not to stay for the Yoga, but next week i'll knock it down a notch and be able to stay. Wednesday nights after kickboxing there are stability exercises for 45 minutes. As well i'm interested in this but will need to find myself a stability ball first. I'll have to check that out. Anyways, this is what i've been waiting for - Yoga - and I won't quit until i've gotten a handle on it!

So my eating has been consistent and wonderful, and I just need to work on regular exercise and then make healthy, fabulous habits out of it all!!!

Thanks for all your comments!

I am busy. Busy, busy, busy. But I am still here and alive and well. AND staying on track. I just can't update right now, will be back on to update another time. Oh my, i'm busy.