- Thursday Aug 06, 2009
Ex's sister called last night, just before I headed out to slo-pitch. She is getting married in September and she wanted me to know that she'd still like it if I went to her wedding. She is very sad that ex and I are split up, but doesn't want to exclude me from anything. I told her I would have to think about it, as I don't want to feel uncomfortable being around ex's family and I don't want anyone else to feel awkward because i'm there.
I really don't think I can go, and that breaks my heart all over again (I cried again last night - there are so many things you give up when you break off a relationship that you don't even realize most of them until you're hit in the face with it).
What do you think? Do you think it would be too uncomfortable for everyone involved? And especially it being ex's sister's wedding - my relationship problems shouldn't be a highlight and they might end up being exactly that. And if I don't go? Then what happens to the relationship I have with his sister? What will she think?
I think it's a NO. God, it breaks my heart.
- Wednesday Aug 05, 2009
Yesterday I took the day off from work and made an offer on a really pretty little house in town. It has a really beautiful yard and a garage and the house is move-in ready, so I decided to take the plunge and go for it. They countered my offer in the afternoon, and I accepted their counter just before dinner! I'm so pleased. If everything goes through, I will be in my new house September 1st! Yay!
Not much else has been going on, ex and I have been getting along well enough so that's a huge stress off my shoulders. I will still be at his place for the remainder of August, but i'm hoping that it won't become too long of a stay in a place I don't want to be anymore. I guess we'll see how it goes - many friends have offered their couches and/or beds so if i'm feeling a little frustrated with things, I know there are other options out there for me.
The light is beginning to show through the clouds again...
- Friday Jul 31, 2009
I managed to still do too many things last night, and I even added another four or so storage containers to the pile that is starting in the spare room. I phoned another couple of places in regards to either renting or selling homes, and I went into the city to purchase more storage containers. It was a really busy night, but I got a lot done.
I will be viewing a house tonight that my mother is dead set against. She used to rent this house, and apparently since then they've done a lot of renovations. I asked her to view it with me because she knows so much about what it used to be like, and she agreed but this morning she refuses to set foot in there because she doesn't think I should buy the house. I asked her why we couldn't at least look at it? and she said if I might be interested in buying it then she wasn't going. Well, why would I look at it if I wasn't interested? I don't really understand why she has to throw this fit. It's not like I have enough on my mind without having to add her hissy fits to the list. At these points in time, I really wish my Dad lived here instead of almost two hours away. I think she is taking her frustrations out on me because my ex and I are trying to be amicable and she's never had that in her life. She's always run away and blocked them out of her life. I think she thinks that's what I should do, but i'm over it. I'm humbled and i'm grateful for the things I have. Revenge or jealousy or whatever she feels - it just doesn't matter to me.
I'm back to eating breakfasts - i've eaten breakfast consecutively for the last two days now. And I don't mean coffee! Last night I ate part of a sandwich for dinner and felt a little sick afterwards. I've run out of the meds I take for heartburn so I need to get that re-filled although, I haven't taken a pill since yesterday morning and i'm not feeling terrible - I can feel it a bit, but it's not as bad as it was. We'll see how the day goes, my stomach still kind of hurts and my left side is uncomfortable.
Tonight ex and I are going to attempt to be at a friends birthday party - at the same time.... probably even in the same room. I was against this initially, but i'm going to give it a try. Why? Because i'm not thinking clearly, that's why. Because I want to wallow in my misery, just for one more night.
- Thursday Jul 30, 2009
I think i'm going to take today off. I'm still going to work and there are still a few things I know I need to do today, but I think i'm going to let house-hunting and packing and everything else that is wracking my brain... go for today. I'll get back to worrying about it tomorrow.
I hardly got any sleep last night, ex decided to bring his cousin and sister to the house after going to the bar last night. Of course, when they walked through the doors the dogs started barking and carrying on. There are some people you just want to... shake. If I would have been in his shoes, common sense would have urged me to find another place to party. But what can I say? You can lead a horse to water, but a cow won't move from her spot for days. I think he must've been a cow in a past life.
I hardly ate anything either. I think I just need to curl up and sleep for a few extra hours. Just the thought of cool sheets and fluffy pillows is making my eyelids heavy.
Looks like I might not be able to get out of the house as quickly as i'd hoped. Any rentals won't come available until September and I still haven't found a decent house to purchase. I guess I was delusional when I thought this could be quick and painless.
- Wednesday Jul 29, 2009
I think i'm stretching myself pretty thin. My stress level just keeps going up, no matter what I do to control it. I find myself incessantly changing my mind about things: renting an apartment, renting a house, renting a storage unit, taking my dog to someone else's for now, staying where I am since ex will not be around for two weeks in August, blah-de-blah-blah-blah. I received an e-mail from my mortgage specialist to call her and I can't seem to get a hold of her so I have no idea what is going on there. My ex's mother seems to think we're going to start 'dating' again and I just don't have the strength to set her straight. I have to budget in lawyer's fees for a house purchase, furniture and appliances and I don't know where i'm going to find the money!! AAAH!!! Those are only a few things going through my mind, there are so many that I can't even think straight anymore - there's also a gathering of friends coming up this weekend and we have to decide who gets to go because i'm not sure we can both be in the same place at the same time. I betcha if I read all this back to myself i'd make about a thousand changes and this entry would just turn into another funny or silly entry that skims over the issues and covers up the pain. Today, i'm not in the mood to fix it.
Still haven't been eating much, although I went to a friend's for supper last night and I could actually taste the food I ate this time. Ex bought a sandwich for lunch for me today but I couldn't eat it - I brought it to work with me and if I don't eat this afternoon then i'll just eat it for supper. I have another house to see tonight.
I'm probably being sporadic and tangenty - I can't seem to get enough sleep either. I was dead in the water last night because of the stressful day I'd had, but I still only slept six hours. It felt like two. I asked ex that since he was off work today he could pick up some storage boxes for me and go to our phone company to split up our cell phone bills. My goodness, all i'm doing is writing out a to-do list for you all to read! I'm sorry!
- Tuesday Jul 28, 2009
Ugh. Tired. Stressed. No nice homes to buy. No apartments to rent. Rumors flying around town. Families hurt and confused.
And two more weeks until vacation.
Life is short, so why does it have to be so hard?
- Monday Jul 27, 2009
Ugh, last week was horribly stressful. I'd been so stressed out about having to get out of the house and with the way ex had been treating me that i'd been staying as busy as possible in order to not have to deal with him until he could be decent with me. Thank goodness this weekend was much better.
On Friday night I went over to a friend's place for supper and had four chicken wings and some salad. Saturday I was gone with my Dad most of the day, we had lunch together (ham sandwich and salad) but I didn't eat dinner. That night I went to a street dance with some other friends. Yesterday I went for brunch with more friends (again, thank goodness for friends) and one made me pack up my leftover egg omellette so that I could eat it for breakfast today :-).
I checked out house listings and found another one I wanted to look at, so took the info down and I will be viewing it today. Then ex was at home so I asked him to bring up some of my boxes from the basement and we went through them. I took a break afterwards and hit up another friend for a drink on her deck, then ex and I even went for dinner together. I have to say he helped out a lot yesterday, which I am very grateful for as that means we are getting over the emotional garbage, even if only by an inch or two!
This morning I could only eat some of the leftover egg omellette, so I brought more crackers to work with me, and a great big mocha with my name on it is sitting right here waiting for me to crack it open!
Here's to Mondays...
- Friday Jul 24, 2009
Feeling blah again today, nervous and hoping today goes well in the house searching department. I *think* i've passed the angry stage now, in case you were wondering, and i've moved on to indifference and haughtiness. The good news is that I can admit it, the bad news is that everyone has to put up with me!
A friend's birthday was last night, so I tagged along with them for supper and drinks. It was a lot of fun - when your friends can make you belly laugh even in the worst of times, hang on to them tiny grasshoppers, they're the good ones.
Ate steak and salad yesterday. Today my Dad is coming to help with house searching, so i'm assuming he'll make sure we eat lunch, and i'm invited to yet another friend's house tonight for a bbq. They're going to make sure i'm eating!
- Thursday Jul 23, 2009
Not much to say today, just would rather be at home sleeping.
I have an appointment at the bank today after work and I'm looking at houses tomorrow afternoon. On Saturday, Dad is taking me to a winery (like that's a good idea given the condition i'm in! Yea, bring on the wine!) and then we're going on a trailride. I haven't been on a horse in years.
So it will be back to brutal reality on Sunday, then. I'm going through all the emotions, so at least I know i'm grieving properly. I'm angry right now.
- Wednesday Jul 22, 2009
Blah. Packing seems like a wickedly difficult chore now. I sort of wandered around the house yesterday and don't think I packed a single thing! I moved things around, picked up one pile and switched it with another pile, but really don't think I accomplished much. Then my friend phoned and took me out to the ballgame, so the rest of the night was good! BF and I were supposed to talk money last night but he wigged out on me so now it's left for another day. I am looking at homes on Friday, already set up viewing times with the realtor, so I hope he is ready to talk about it tonight.
After work I ended up having a little cry outside with the dogs. I am going to miss the bigger one, the one that will probably stay with BF. He's a handful, that dog, but i'm still going to miss him! He always knows when you're feeling sad and he'll always sit right beside you (he would sit on top of you if he could!) and lean into you. Anyways, I took a short nap afterwards and forgot all about eating supper. This morning I tried to eat cereal, but it wasn't going down very well so I left half of it. Bought myself a mocha though, and I brought some crackers to work with me. Maybe those i'll be able to eat.
Slo-pitch is tonight. So many obstacles. Like I said to someone yesterday regarding the break-up: [change]... It's just a pain in the a$$!!!!!!