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legcramps - Tuesday Oct 04, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Good Morning :)

I took a rest day yesterday. After the busy weekend, I just needed some time to do the laundry, clean the kitchen, and read a book. I'm gonna start a countdown of books i've already read. I finished another one last night, which puts me at 6 of 36 read. V, do you honestly think I have some dirt to share about boys?!!! I'm too busy reading :P besides, I never called him to reschedule, I think i'm too shy for such nonsense ;)

Monday: coffee, two bagels, almonds, stuffed zuchinni, cupcakes

I made stuffed zuchinni yesterday for dinner. I almost didn't; I wanted to be really lazy and just eat crackers and cheese for dinner, but I forced myself to the grocery store to pick up the few things I needed in order to make it.

Stuffed Zuchinni ingredients: brown rice, mushroom soup, mushrooms, tofu, red pepper, green onion, sea salt, ground pepper, herb and garlic powder. It was delicious, and I have tons for leftovers.

Schedule for the Week:

Monday: laundry and clean, rest day

dinner - stuffed zuchinni

Tuesday: shred, pushups

dinner - stuffed zuchinni

Wednesday: clean, zumba

dinner - homemade pita pizza

Thursday: zumba

dinner - stuffed zuchinni

Friday: shred, pushups

dinner - homemade pita pizza

Saturday: cut grass and yardwork

dinner - ??? leftovers, or sushi with a boy???

Sunday: thanksgiving dinner with mom and grandma

Hardly seems very busy, does it? Good. This week, I don't like Busy. Busy sneers at me sometimes, and pinches me when he knows no one is looking.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

getmebackto150 on 10/04/2011:
Love your schedule!!! I think the stuffed zucchini sounds AMAZING!!! Have a great day!! I vote for sushi with a boy on Saturday by the way:)

glycrina on 10/04/2011:
make boy take you for sushi! I am an old married lady so I have live vicariously through my single friends. Do you really cook for your dog, too? He is such a lucky pup!

glycrina on 10/04/2011:
PS what books are you reading? I need a new book in my life.

grannyannie on 10/04/2011:
Sounds like great food! Have a great week!

V on 10/04/2011:
Hahaha no such luck huh?? Wellll I guess you are forcing me to have some fun for the two of us since you are so busy ;) LOL Have a good one :)

Umpqua on 10/04/2011:
Sushi date sounds like fun ;) Quorn is a brand of veggie substitutes for chicken nuggets, chicken patties and other stuff. It's made from fungi - they do a very specific process to get this fungi to a texture resembling meat. Sounds yummy, right? It's actually really good!

nomoreforme on 10/04/2011:
The stuffed zucchini sounds yum. Have you read A Game of Thrones? It is amazing!

sweetpea1977 on 10/04/2011:
mmm, stuffed zucchini sounds great!

If you like fantasies, you might in enjoy The Name of the Wind (The Kingkiller Chronicle: Day One) by Patrick Rothfuss. I loved it! The Wise Man's Fear (The Kingkiller Chronicle: Day Two) is waiting for me when I finish my current book (a Ken Follett book). According to hubby, Day 2 is even more amazing than Day 1!

moogy on 10/04/2011:
OK, I got interested at sushi with a boy???, sounds good to me! You know I love a woman with a plan and yours looks good legcramps. I have a pile of books (well they are on the bookshelf) waiting for me to read. I always have a novel on the go but never seem to make any headway into the pile, I just keep buying them, or reading my daughter's:) It's not a bad obsession:)

legcramps - Monday Oct 03, 2011

Weight: 164.0

My weekend was good, I finally managed to find the energy and drive to cut the grass on Saturday. It took me over two hours and left me covered with a thick film of disgusting sweat and bits of grass and leaves and mud.

On Saturday evening, I went to the season opener of our local junior hockey team. The stadium was pretty full (It's brand spanking new!) and I was pleasantly surprised by how many people stopped to chat with me even though I haven't been the social butterfly I was before. I think I will make an effort to go to more games this winter. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed watching those little gaffers. Just like I'd forgotten how much I liked to golf. I threw their schedule on my fridge so that I'll know when there's a home game.

On Sunday I got my exercise for sure. I walked all through the park, setting up for a dog park event, then walking through the park once again when it was done. I had Dog with me the second time around, but had to pick her up when a large, vicious looking golden lab came barrelling towards us. I freaked out and yelled at it. You should have seen it - the hair on its back was standing straight up. It belonged to a runner who was like three miles away (approximately lol) and she finally called it back to her. Crazy people. Dog didn't know what was going on, only that I was yelling pretty loud and I scared her.

I made my way through two more books this weekend and started a third last night. Unfortunately, I didn't get the dishes washed or the floor cleaned. Or the laundry done. But whatever. It felt balanced to me.

Saturday - coffee, bagel, leftover noodle dish, mozza cheese and crackers, 1 whiskey with soda, gatorade.

Sunday - coffee, two bagels (!), mozza cheese and crackers, hot dog, soda.

If you can't tell, I bought myself a bag of bagels because I was spending way too much money buying them from the donut place. I love bagels. It's embarrasing, really. There's one left.

Monday - coffee, two bagels... plan for dinner is pasta with brusell sprouts and tomatoes. Yes, it looks like I'm carb-loading for no particular reason. But there is a reason - that's what's in my house today. It's budget-crunch time and I'm overdoing it on my weekly grocery allowance by purchasing silly things like bagels, so I need to scale back a bit.

Have a good day everyone 8-)

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

Umpqua on 10/03/2011:
I'm glad you had a nice weekend! I love bagels too, I have trouble controlling myself when they're in the house.

glycrina on 10/03/2011:
I love bagels too. I find that if I cut one and half and add a turkey sausage patty or some egg whites on the side, I don't go for bagel number 2. I still use cream cheese -- I mean I am not going to torture myself. I do hear you on the budget crunch. Why are carbs so cheap? On another note, I have a dog who can be aggressive with other dogs -- he has never hurt anyone or any other animal (not even the mouse in my basement!!) but he can be a pain in the butt. I don't let my dog off leash even in leash optional places for that reason. The reason my dog IS dog aggressive is because another dog attacked us when he was a pup. Fortunately neither of us was hurt but I was holding my dog when a cane corso knocked me over. My husband came over and got the other dog but my dog was soooo scared he wet himself (and me). My dog goes to doggy daycare and he is fine but sometimes is aggressive with new dogs on walks. Anyway, I don't really have a point except I know how you feel and it is scary and I love my dog.

glycrina on 10/03/2011:
I also watched season of the witch with nicholas cage this weekend. It was awful. I am glad you are back and sounding a little better. I hope everything is going well -- and if you need to vent and be angry and sound like a you are going into a hole -- please do it on this site and DON'T actually do it in real life. I think I worry because you sound a lot like me and you look a lot like me and if you were me, I would want to someone to worry about me. at least a little. I am part Italian now (I married an Italian-- LOL), after eating, drinking and fist pumping -- we worry about our friends.

moogy on 10/03/2011:
Sounds like you had an active weekend legcramps. I bet you felt better after a shower and looked at the nice short lawn. Love the smell of freshly mown grass. I hope you have a good week, you and dog of course:)

V on 10/03/2011:
Please tell Dog that V said hi :) I am counting on you to do this so..Have a good evening :) Hey have youtalked to the guy you were supposed to go out with lately?? Just curious, my lovelife is boring at the moment(til next week LOL) So give me some dirt

sweetpea1977 on 10/03/2011:
your carbfest sounds heavenly! I cant have bagels in the house. They are a trigger food of mine. Case in point: I think I ate bagels every single day while on my honeymoon in San Francisco! And just about every day for dinner, I ate Italian food (PASTA!). I think I gained 9lbs in 10 days...WORTH it! ;-)

Anyway, Im glad you had an enjoyable weekend! Have a healthy week!

legcramps - Friday Sep 30, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Eats Thursday:

- pumpkin spice latte, coffee, brown rice, beef, rootbeer, mozza cheese, chips, onion dip

That looks terrible. But it's true.

Exercise Thursday:

- 1/2 hour stapling route markers

This wasn't really exercise but I had nothing else to put here, so...

Other Thursday:

GOOD: I baked a delicious pumpkin roll, other than the sides crumbling a little bit. And it did make me feel better. Mostly, it took my mind off of everything that's been pulling me under.

   I brought a piece to work for breakfast. If you think i'm wierd for bringing cake to work for breakfast, I just want you to know that a few minutes ago, my boss broke out in karaoke in the middle of the office. People are strange.

I also went to a friend's and watched a movie - the one with Nicholas Cage and the Witch, what's it called? Anyways, we ate cheese and chips with onion dip. That was bad of me. But I didn't care. At the time.

NOT SO GOOD: My kitchen is now a disaster from baking said delicious pumpkin roll.

I didn't have time to cook up more beef for Dog's meals. That means she's getting plain old rice for breakfast and lunch today. I would hate me too.

My Mom phoned me twice since she tore a strip off me. Pretending like nothing happened. I cannot stand it when people avoid confrontation. I don't like confrontation either, but communicating is going to be the best way to resolve this. So communicate already, damnit. My brother is also avoiding having to talk to me. His last chance is tonight. If he doesn't call, I suppose i'm on my own.

I realize i'm probably sounding like i'm burying myself in a hole right now. I promise, that's not happening, and that's not going to happen. I am strong enough to pull myself out of this; it's simply that there are some things that I need to have resolved, therefore, I need to be strong right now and make the effort for my family. I'm sorry that i'm venting it all out to you; I promise to try and be better about my entries so that I don't worry anyone. But I promise! I will not sink!

No worries!

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 09/30/2011:
I love pumpkin anything. Glad to hear you aren't going into a sink hole! Not worth it.....too hard to climb out - I believe in you - :o)

legcramps - Thursday Sep 29, 2011

Weight: 164.0

I haven't been updating for the last couple of days, sorry. I'm still here. And just as screwed up, which is why I didn't want to come here and bring you all down with me.

My grandma gave me a loaf of homemade, whole wheat bread and I ate it all in two days with organic peanut butter. Just a gentle reminder to myself that I can't have fresh bread sitting on the counter at home.

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself because I had to get a tooth pulled at the Dentist and I think my gums are infected or I have dry-socket. So I drowned my tears in mozza cheese and crackers.

It feels like everytime I find a way around all of the things that are happening right now, life spits something else out at me. Yes, they're little things that can be resolved fairly quickly (I phoned the Dentist this morning and i'll have a filled anti-biotic prescription by lunchtime), but I tell 'ya: it's the little things that make up the bigger picture. If the little things keep going wrong, the bigger picture is going to start to crack and shatter.

Other than that (haha?) my eating has been good because I can't really chew on anything. I've been eating a lot of brown rice and chicken or beef cut up into tiny pieces. This morning I tried to make myself a comforting pumpkin spice latte. It didn't really work out as well as I thought it should. But I drank it anyways, plus more coffee after that.

Last night I missed Zumba class because of my tooth/gum issues, and I think i'll be sitting it out tonight as well. Instead, I will bake a pumpkin roll. Yes, instead of exercising I will bake really delicious, unhealthy food. But don't worry, i'll bring most of it to work with me and make others eat it so that I won't feel so bad LOL. I always feel better when i'm baking, so it's worth a try. And since it's beginning to look a lot like fall, i'm starting to crave all things pumpkin.

I am not giving up. September is not going to bring me down. October is not going to find me curled up in a corner and waving a white flag. Nope. But life can stop throwing curveballs at me. I've had enough for one year.

I will be registering for another 5k run on January 1st, the Resolution Run. I'm not giving up on that, either. Suck on that, Life.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

glycrina on 09/29/2011:
Legs, I am worried about you. I am glad you signed up for a 5K but I am concerned that you seem to falling a victim to all the crappy stuff that is happening and not working on your bigger picture goals. I am not trying to be mean or discouraging but I have been where you are now and it is a spiral downward (well it was for me). Maybe you are different and you will completely turn it around and get back on track. I need my doppelganger. I want to do this together!

grannyannie on 09/29/2011:
Sorry about your tooth. I've had dry socket before. Ouch! I hope you get back on track. I know about fresh bread being tempting. I make it for my hub for his toast and the smell drives me nuts. But I don't eat it. I've been brave and bought peanut butter but I carefully weigh it and haven't given in to temptation and stuck a spoon in the jar! Good for you registering for a 5k!

sweetpea1977 on 09/29/2011:
Wow, you have been dealt a lot of crap lately. Life will get better, you just gotta hang tough and do the best as you can one day at a time.

I LOVE fresh baked bread. I would easily be satisfied with a fresh loaf of warm bread and a stick of butter for dinner. And that is why I hardly ever make bread anymore, lol.

Cooking for others, especially baking, always makes me feel better. My in-laws and hubby's coworkers are spoiled by me every fall and winter. And pumpkin, I LOVE all things pumpkin. I will probably make some pumpkin oat bran muffins, pumpkin-wheat pancakes, and pumpkin oatmeal soon. Cant wait!

V on 09/29/2011:
:( WTF??When it rains,it def pours and I am so sorry girl..I hope your weekend goes well

Umpqua on 09/30/2011:
Good for you for not letting all this crap get you down. Take care and I hope you have an uneventful and boring weekend ;)

legcramps - Monday Sep 26, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Wow! What great support and advice from you all on my most recent turn of events. I really appreciate it so much!

I truly think my family is hurting themselves and others, and we DO need help to overcome this issue. I do not believe it is healthy to spend our lives grieving over the past.

I want to do whatever I can to ensure my Mom is living the best life possible. That doesn't mean choosing sides, or ignoring the blaring fact that something is very wrong. That means offering her help in any way I can. It means discussing what the issues are with someone who can be objective about it. In no way do I think her feelings or actions are not necessitated.

I don't know. It's difficult to explain in full because it's a 30 year story and I only know bits and pieces! All I know is, i'm hurting because she's hurting. I'm hurting because my Dad might be hurting soon. I'm hurting because my brother is so obviously hurting. All I know is, this is creating a whole lot of hurt, and I want to fix that.

My weekend was horrible.

I'm fairly certain my co-worker's toothache was contagious because i've been suffering from a toothache all weekend! I need to call the dentist I guess - i've been medicating with advil; thank goodness it isn't making me sick.

Had to cancel the plans for the dog park and i'm just hoping to God that there are no hard feelings inbetween all the confusion on Friday. Even though construction was cancelled, I still found myself out there both Saturday and Sunday, working away at other things. I am exhausted and frustrated with this process!

Received a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone was trying to use my card. Had to cancel and order another card. Did some deep thinking about the online sites i'm ordering from. Better cut back on that.

Was going to go on a date! but felt like crap and bailed. Now i'm a Bailer on Dates. Great.

So, obviously the stress that attacked me almost (or more than?) a month ago is still creating a great strain on life. I refuse to go into another depressive state, but damn I was very close this weekend.

I shouldn't say my weekend was horrible. I got to take Dog to the park twice this weekend, and she loved every second of it. She was definitely my saving grace.

Today... I have phone calls to make and signs to make and then I am going to take some more advil and zone out with Dog. I had over four hours of exercise yesterday. Today is a rest day.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

glycrina on 09/26/2011:
Legs!! Aw, I just heart you so much. I hurts me to know that you are hurting too!! I am sorry you had some crappy stuff happen to you this weekend. I am sorry you skipped your date. But it sounds like you got some time in with Dog. No depression. I do that too. It usually involves a big sweatshirt, lots of carbs, ice cream, diet soda, cigarettes and wine with crappy reality TV and some girly movie which is suppsed to bring my spirits up but always makes me feel like my life in the crapper. I am not doing that this year. No sir. No matter what happens to me this year I can handle it. So can you. I wish I could HUG you.

Umpqua on 09/26/2011:
I just caught up on everything that's been going on with you, wow! I think you did just fine this weekend considering teh stress overload. Hang in there!

moogy on 09/26/2011:
Thank goodness for dog. Seems like dog is the only consistent thing in your life at the moment. I am pretty sure toothache isn't contagious, maybe you went out in sympathy. It would be great if all concerned could get into counselling but I am pretty sure your mom wouldn't do it, unless she did it thinking it was to help you and your brother!! The credit card thing it a bit scary. You look after yourself and your mental state. Try to focus on the positive things in your life, they are there if you look for them, look at the beauty around you and breathe deeply. It sounds a bit new age but really it is old age and it does help you to keep things in perspective. AND next time - go out on the date!! LOL

V on 09/26/2011:
Girl i am so sorry you had a bad week :( Sending lots of love and prayer your way!! Love YOU

hollybelle on 09/26/2011:
Well, just call it a party then and for that matter - sounds like everyone knows who all is invited and they can come or see you another time. So sorry something like a party felt like "kicking the hornets nest". Hope your tooth feels better without too much work. I had to switch to sensitive toothpaste a couple years ago. The credit card fraud is terrifying. I had ID theft last year and attempted ID theft this year, too. It was suggested this way by my bank - I have a real checking account that I keep money in and another account that I only keep $25 or so in. When I order something on line I transfer the amount of the on-line purchase over to the $25 checking account - only enough to cover the purchase. That way there isn't much for anyone to get in the checking account. Of course the checking accounts are free and they don't give me a float like the credit card. The payment is immediate. I can transfer money on line in about 60 seconds. All my fraud and ID theft had to do with my checking accounts - not credit card, though, so I'm not sure that helps you much - other than maybe giving you and idea.....

biscottibody59 on 09/28/2011:
Hope you're having a good day there!

legcramps - Friday Sep 23, 2011

Weight: 164.0

This is insane. I wish I was kidding.

I was really starting to feel so much better about things yesterday. I was calm; I regarded my "issues" from a different perspective and was beginning to realize that I couldn't change some things and I had to let go of the control. I really thought I was making progress.

In my family, we grew up with a saying that i'm sure you've all heard before... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I needed to start living by this instead of just having it burned into my memory from my childhood ;)

But my family is multi-faceted, as are all. Mine tends to want control over most situations, and we have extremely high expectations for the people we share relationships with. When things don't go the way we expect it to, it's very difficult to accept. I'm saying this because something happened yesterday that blew up the little bubble i've been living in for the last 30 years. That little bubble was so nice. It had blue polka dots, serious. And licorice.

I got a phone call from my Mother who proceeded to "tear a strip off me" for close to ten minutes. I was shocked. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years. It's never been brought up, but I know that circumstances back then did not make it easy for her to leave the relationship. They have never been in a situation together where it's 'gone bad'. So when my brother and I had the bright idea of planning a family reunion next summer, we thought nothing of inviting the in-laws and extended families. Not only did that mean my brother's mother-in-law would be invited, it also meant our Father would be invited.

But now, apparently, I can "go right ahead and un-invite him".

You know, I can understand her reasons for not wanting him there, and I can understand why she might feel disrespected by her children, and I can even understand why she felt we were dishonoring her own Father who supported her throughout the divorce. The issue, for me, is not about whether he goes to the reunion or not. Truly, I don't care. The issue is this, and i'll ask it in question form:

If you were ever in a bad relationship, would you divulge the details to your children? Would you expect them to choose sides? Would you not want to find the help you need to get over it and move on after 30 years?

I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad; I don't want anything to come inbetween that. 30 years is a long time to work on getting over things. How much sympathy can I possibly have left?

Life, you are really starting to piss me off. As Mother Teresa said "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much".

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

KayBee on 09/23/2011:
Tough situation! Of course you love your father and your mother ... and they should look over their problems and see the big picture, because they must have loved each other once and they raised kids together, daughters and sons who wish to have both parents around of course. It does make sense. That's why kids suffer the most when parents decide to divorce. But well, some people cannot make a happy face while feeling bad inside, and some people do... I am from a "single-mother" family, I met my father in 2005 and he died next year, unexpectedly. I never got to know him too much, but my mother never said anything nearly bad about him. She always said that things didn't work out between them, but she could never feel angry towards a man who gave her such a perfect gift (yeah, that would be me, LOL)...

glycrina on 09/23/2011:
Wow that is deep legs. I guess you are expecting your mom to have gotten over it in 30 years. I would think she probably she should have as well. She SHOULD not put you in the middle, she should not make you choose and she should be more understanding. BUT she's not. It took me years, but I finally realized I could not change my mother. I never realized how badly I wanted my mom to be someone that she was not. It sounds like your mom is placing expectations on you (to be more understanding and to take her side), but it also sounds like she isn't meeting your expectations either. That is the only part you have control over: your expectations of your mother, everything else in on her. I hope this doesn't get you off of your healthy, happy course. Have a good weekend.

moogy on 09/23/2011:
My husband decided that after being together for 30 years that he actually didn't want to be married. I absolutely expect my children to take sides - mine!! Fortunately their both do!!! They are welcome to have a relationship with their Father, which they do, I am lucky that they can both see what an idiot he is!!. I understand your mother's feelings completely but not her reaction to you - not right! Ah! Life - it was never meant to be easy, it's a test!!! Good luck:)

V on 09/23/2011:
Okay so it is obvious that your mother still has unresolved thoughts and feelings but it is not fair to lay them on you and your brother..This is a very sticky situation and I am sorry that this wonderful idea that you guys had is spiraling...So what do you do??? IDK :(

hollybelle on 09/24/2011:
Couple of thoughts - first and foremost - a parent should not act like that toward a child. There is a way to communicate that you are displeased about something someone did without verbally assaulting them. Yes when someone harbors such hard feelings toward an ex-spouse after so many years one owes sit to oneself and those that love them to get some help and move on! Second - I'm not sure I understand who you are saying is invited to the family reunion. My experience has been that a family reunion is typically for one side of a family - all realated folks and their spouses, children and their spouses, grandchildren, etc. are typically invited. For example, if I were to have a reunion of my father's side of the family I wouldn't invite members from my mother's side. They are only related by the marriage of my mother and father and don't really know each other, although they all know me. If I were to invite both sides it would be considered more of a party I was throwing instead of a family reunion. I don't know if everyone thinks of it this way or not - and I would say that there are not hard rules on who is truly "family", but when I think of an organized get together as a family reunion per se it typically contains only one line of relatives. Does that make sense? Hopefully you will get this resolved soon. Try to get your brother to invervene if possible. I don't have siblings. Wish I did so I could divide and conquer this type of stuff that happens in my family!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/24/2011:
I don't think I personally have the answer bc i don't want to give bad advice. One thing I always hear is that every family has secrets, has drama as well. I guess your family follows this unfortuante theme - so does mine. Honestly, if he has people he gets along with, I think he should go to the reunion, unless the only thing it would cause - for him and everyone - is pain and annoyance, then why go?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/24/2011:
On the police academy, it will be a slow process if it does work, i have my fingers crossed. After taking the test, you usually wait a minimum of 6 months to begin the rest of the application process - so basically I just need to forget right now about it. It is always in the back of my head anyways, hoping that it does work out for me. Other parts of the application included a physical test as well as a written and verbal psychological test.

biscottibody59 on 09/24/2011:
Not enough info somehow for me to comment, which is just as well:-)

I wish you peace!

hackersdiet on 09/25/2011:
Well, this is just my opinion but...I think you should go ahead and uninvite your dad as your mom asked. Because, he knows why she feels this way, even if you don't. So, he will understand. You can't make her forgive him, but you can respect the relationship (or lack of relationship) that they have established. I think your parents didn't tell you details to respect each other and to protect you from being in the middle. Your mom didn't slam your dad. That is good of her, because you have a good relationship with your dad. And she wanted that for your sake. But not for her sake. So, I think your should forgive her for not forgiving him, appreciate that she was able to keep from poisoning your relationship with your dad, and move on with an attitude of ...it is what it is...Good luck and congratulations on having two parents who love you!

~WI~ on 09/26/2011:
I went to Florida in June to see my youngest, my daughter, graduate high school. She wanted ALL of us (me, her brother, her boyfriend, her dad and his girlfriend) to go out to eat after graduation. I said “absolutely not” and not because I haven’t ‘gotten over’ him or our divorce or our failed relationship. Actually, I have. It is just that sometimes when you’ve been in a horrible relationship, it is just BETTER for EVERYONE ELSE if the two of you do not occupy the same room at the same time. Because unlike television where people seem to ‘stay friends’ for the sake of ‘the kids’ in reality, staying friends has nothing to do with it. Look at the relationships you’ve had that didn’t work out and the ones that you honestly put your heart and soul into, are you still friends with the one who broke your heart? You may not mind seeing them in the grocery store, but there will always be things that rub the scars created by hurt. Scar tissue may be tough, but it isn’t without feeling. Your mom’s reaction shows that she isn’t a robot without feeling. She has scars and she reacted to the pain at the thought of spending time in the same place with HER EX…not “your dad.” At the same time, she hasn’t asked you to stop loving him or caring about him or to boot him out of your life. And just like I do with my daughter, when her dad was trying to teach her the few things he did, I supported him and told my daughter I did even though I NEVER talked to him. I didn’t not talk to him because he is the kids dad, I didn’t talk to him because he is my ex and the scars caused by that failed relationship will always be there. No amount of psychiatry or medicine or anything else will remove scars. I’m a human being and I have a heart. So while it seems crazy that someone would hold on to bad feelings after 30 years, it is actually not the bad feelings she is holding on to as it is the scars reacting to the pain. Like I did with my daughter, after I said “absolutely not” I then told her I would go but she shouldn’t expect it to be a reconciliation like on the movies. I told her I would be polite. In the end, her dad decided he wouldn’t go. Just as your heart has scars and as you react in various ways to different situations, so does your mom, so does your dad. You don’t have to support her by picking her over your dad, you can give her love by recognizing the scars and just saying I know you have your reasons for hurting, and I love you mom. I never want my children to ‘pick’ me over their dad, to tell them to stop loving him because of what happened to us, nahh. I just sometimes need reassurance that they do love me, more importantly so they know I love them.

~WI~ on 09/26/2011:
OH AND I wanted to let you know, I tried that tennis ball thing...that felt wonderful! I always get some helpful hints from you :)

legcramps - Thursday Sep 22, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Sometimes, when you get down on life, life gets down on you...

And I certainly don't mean that in any nasty sexy way so don't go getting the wrong idea up in those heads of yours :)

What I mean is I've been feeling sorry for myself and my life for the last... gosh... month? and now life has swiveled its ugly little head around to me and said "look, you think you got it bad? i'll show you bad".

Dog looks sallow. Sallow, sickly, pale, ashen. In just the last couple of days I've been struggling with cuddling her too closely because she's so fragile I feel I might break her. Her eyes look even bigger these days and I think I die a little each time she looks at me as if to ask "How come I'm not feeling better?". Every single minute, I wonder if she's suffering.

I'm tired. That's all. And I need to put things in perspective. As soon as one little thing goes wrong I feel all 'overwhelmed and can't deal with life'. I think I might have some control issues, yeah?!

So yesterday after Zumba was over, I had to eat something. Heartburn was burning a hole in my stomach so I snacked on some almonds and had leftover quesadilla. 

Today I am working on letting go of the control. Whatever happens, happens. Who am I to entertain the thought that I can bend the lines of life? I will do my best with what I'm given and "that'll do, donkey". I have another Zumba class tonight and when I get home at 8pm I might just go straight to bed. Or take a warm bath, do the tennis ball thing under my neck and read a book. If my eyes will stay open long enough!

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

glycrina on 09/22/2011:
I totally relate to your entry. I do that too when one thing goes wrong I just can't handle anything. It is not helpful. Right now I am little stressed at work because the kids are a pain in the butt and I have been dieting and exercising for weeks and have only lost a pound. I am fighting the discouragement. But i keep telling myself to not let the little battles keep me from losing sight of the BIG PICTURE (sorry my metaphor went astray there but you understand where I am going). Successful people do not let the day to day problems get in the way of their larger goals. Okay enough of me. Have a good day, twin!

grannyannie on 09/22/2011:
Sorry you're so down. At least you're managing to get to your Zumba classes. It looks like so much fun but they don't have them where I live and I don't want to try a DVD. Have a long warm, relaxing soak in the tub and a cuppa herbal tea and a good sleep.

Umpqua on 09/22/2011:
Not being able to bend the lines of life. What a huge and scary concept, so well put! I'm so sad to hear about Dog. You are doing the best you can given your circumstances. I'm thinking of you!

V on 09/22/2011:
Girl with all that you have been going through, I totally understand..I am glad that you ad least have a place to sort this all out, in your head, here... This is some heavy duty stuff that has been placed in your lap...I am sorry that Dog is not feeling so stellar.. Sending lots of prayer and positive vibes your way

hollybelle on 09/23/2011:
Well, I think there would be something missing if you didn't feel sad. I really understand being sad about Dog. I have two that I strongly suspect are the only ones around here who understand me most of the time! I also understand what it is like to have one thing going wrong in life and projecting that on over on to everything. But when that one thing is pretty big it does tend to bleed over on to the rest. Although learning to departmentalize things is a useful coping skill - sometimes that one department is just bigger than the rest. Sometimes it can help to look back to a similar time and remember and see that we did get past that, one way or the other, and this too shall pass. But sometimes it's just so damn sad at the moment what happened in the past just doesn't matter at the time. I believe you are intentional and focused enough that you will make the most of the time you and dog have together. I am so sorry this happened to Dog and you. I am thinking about you every day.

legcramps - Wednesday Sep 21, 2011

Weight: 164.0

When I need those neighbour boys to be outside when I am, of course they are nowhere to be seen. Hopefully I will catch one of them before the weekend is over so that my grass can get cut.

I was hoping to take Monday and Tuesday off work to clean out my garden and flower bed, but it's not looking like that will happen. This is disappointing because my Dad was going to come visit on Tuesday and help me out :(

So yesterday my eats were super-good: ezekiel toast with peanut butter and honey, bean burger for lunch, yogurt and granola, and a chicken quesadilla for dinner that I made myself. Great eating day, and great cost-saving day as well!

After work I met with the landscaper to go over what trees I need to have trimmed, did some quick cleaning and cooked up my dinner, then went to a friend's to watch Bridesmaids. I didn't get home until 11pm, so I am a tired bunny today. My normal bedtime is around 10pm and I probably didn't get to sleep until close to midnight. 6am sure came quickly today.

Today I am going to take advantage of circumstances and eat for free for both lunch and dinner. There is a staff appreciation bbq today for lunch, and I have an evening meeting tonight which will provide dinner. Another great cost-saving day :) Works for me.

I have a Zumba class scheduled for tonight at 8pm, but I'm not sure if I'll be back in time from the meeting. I'm hoping to go just to do some venting but we'll see what happens.

Also looking into going for a massage in the city. My neck and shoulders feel like they're going to give out on me and my back is starting to give me troubles. Stress. I've been trying really hard this week to not let the stress get to me, but I'm sort of at a loss as to how to go about it. I tried downloading an app to my phone that would help me sleep (meditation) but it didn't work. I don't really know what else to do besides things that will cost me money that I desperately need for other things. One thing I am going to try either tonight or tomorrow is a short, ten minute rest on the floor with a tennis ball under my neck and my legs up against the wall. I've done this in the past and it does release some tension.

Here's to Hump Day! May it be over quickly ;)

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

getmebackto150 on 09/21/2011:
Hope you have a great day... as much as its expensive, a massage is really AMAZING for stress, totally worth it in my opinion!

tangalyn on 09/21/2011:
good luck getting ur grass cut.. hope u have a great day!

KayBee on 09/21/2011:
Massage, yayyyyyy :) Hey, plans look good! :) xoxo, Kat

glycrina on 09/21/2011:
Hey legs -- I love when I don't have to spend money on food. You sound like you are in a better place today. I think you should at least take Tuesday off if you can to spend with your dad. I wish I had more opportunities to spend with my dad. Anyway, I am glad to hear you are saving money and eating well.

grannyannie on 09/21/2011:
Nice menus! Love massages! Nice on the free meals.

V on 09/21/2011:
Girl they were therapists at the health food store today giving FREE massages today.. Too bad yo live so far away :( Today would have been a triple whammy for reals :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/21/2011:
i KNOW exactly what you mean about the pain in your neck and shoulders. for the first time ever, i've experienced it often this year at work. terrible! and something that a massage is quite necessary for!

as for your foods, they do sound delicious!

thinkpositive on 09/22/2011:
Maybe too much going on & not enough time to decompress. A massage does sound like the right therapy.

legcramps - Tuesday Sep 20, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Yesterday morning, I tried out some of this stuff:

Coconut Water.


I'm not really sure why I thought this would taste good to me... I've never liked coconut, ever in my life. Oh well, you can't say I'm not game to try new things. Besides, I can eat coconut on, like, donuts.

After the workday was over, I took Dog to the park for some playtime. We didn't stay long because a) I was afraid of another dog coming, smelling her sickness, and tearing her apart; and b) I didn't want to wear her out so that she had breathing troubles all night long. When I opened the car door to have her jump back in, she looked at me so sorrowfully that I felt a little guilty about cutting playtime short.

As Dog gobbled up her dinner of beef, rice and cottage cheese, I made myself a black bean burger with lots of spinach and some dill pickle fries. Then I did some cleaning and some laundry, made a couple of phone calls, and passed out on the couch. Yep.

I woke up around 1:30am to the sounds of Dog snoring away. I got up, went to the bathroom, had some water and then tried to go back to sleep, but Dog was snoring so loudly there was no chance for sleep. After an hour of listening to her snore, I gave up and said out loud "Dog! Seriously! Stop!" and woke her up. Backatcha, babe. So I kept her awake until I fell asleep again. Cruel, but effective. Plus, she gets to sleep all day so I'm sure I didn't disrupt her daily routine too much.

Today after work the landscaper is coming to look at my trees. I also need to work on some dog park things and I want to take Dog to the park again. In looking back, I should have accepted the neighbour boy's help to cut the grass because it's close to being a jungle out there. Priorities, you know. Balance, right?!

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

glycrina on 09/20/2011:
my dog's farts usually wake me up.

glycrina on 09/20/2011:
I also like most foods. That is why I am on diet. you could work out too. If I can do it, anybody can do it. Wait, don't you run?? I don't run so maybe we just look alike but we are opposites.

getmebackto150 on 09/20/2011:
I didn't like the coconut water and I do like coconut... It tasted just funny to me... Hope you have a good day!

liza36 on 09/20/2011:
I have a cat that snores every now and then. It seems strange coming from the tiny thing. Hope you have a good day.

V on 09/20/2011:
Hahah!! I agree it is pretty gross, right up there with Greek Yogurt..Grossness..LOL Have a good one!!

moogy on 09/20/2011:
One thing I don't miss about sleeping with my husband, the snoring!!!! Always accept help when it's offered, it gives another person a chance to serve you and they get bonus points!!! Good luck with the jungle!!

legcramps - Monday Sep 19, 2011

Weight: 164.0

Whirlwind of a weekend; too bad I can't take some time off work to recover from my two days off!

First of all, I told you all I wanted to find some balance this weekend. I want to let you know how I did with that; how about a list of the work vs. the play? Sure!

WORK - Cleaning. I desperately needed to get some of this in. I managed to clean the kitchen, and start on my laundry.

PLAY - Hiking. I spent all day Saturday with my Dad, walking and hiking and enjoying the weather. It was awesome. I fell asleep quickly at bedtime ;)

WORK - Or what I consider work: Quick visit with my Dad's ex. She is not doing the best and is getting down on herself. I spent a good hour trying to get her to look at things more positively. I was drained afterwards. I hope the conversation helped her a bit.

PLAY - On Sunday I did the Terry Fox Run! I opted to walk the 3k with two other friends, and it was a really wonderful walk and great discussion about Terry Fox and what an inspiration he is to each of us. We also had dinner out and even though I almost ran out of fuel looking for a place to eat (small towns are horrible in regards to this), the end result was a wonderful sandwich and more great discussions.

WORK - Cooking. I had to do this; it was also a desperate need. I made chicken quesadillas and brown rice, more beef for Dog's dinners and bought a few more groceries. Unfortunately for me, I still didn't manage to plan out any of my meals this week. This will undoubtedly lead to some scrambled meals on busy days.

PLAY - I read two whole books in two whole days! Go me! And took a nice warm bath last night to relax my frazzled brain and muscles.

So not too bad! Even though I could use a break from concentrating most of my efforts on staying balanced ;)

Secondly, I wanted to take some advice and list some things that I thought would change with a healthier lifestyle. Good thing I love lists:

- Bad Habits! Staying up too late and not getting enough sleep; indulging too much in foods that I know will make me sick; having the motivation to get outside for some exercise!

- Being happier because I know i'm healthier!

- Showing people around me that leading a healthy lifestyle can be FUN! Being a mentor for those who are looking into being more healthy.

- Having more of a social life because I actually WANT to get out and do things!

The only thing I didn't manage to accomplish this weekend was finding some meditations to fall asleep to. I plan to look into this as the week progresses.

A friend told me about a book fair on Friday evening and three of us hit it up to find some great paperback books at an awesome price - $.25 each! Can't go wrong! I picked up $9 worth of books - around 36 books. I hope this will last me through the boring winter, but since I've already read two I'm not so sure it will! I found a whole lotta books by V.C. Andrews (author of Flowers in the Attic) so I can't wait to delve into those.

What do you think? Pretty good weekend? Just writing this entry has put a smile on my face!

Stress will be evident this week as we lead up to the weekend and our workbee for the dog park. As well, I have someone looking into trimming the trees in my yard and I have a big flower bed to totally clean out early next week. I am going to make a HUGE effort to stay balanced throughout the week and hopefully the results will be as great as the weekend was!

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

glycrina on 09/19/2011:
I LOVE this entry. I too need to find balance. I feel so much better when I have accomplished stuff and have earned a rest. I am so happy for you.

Umpqua on 09/19/2011:
GREAT weekend, well done!

V on 09/19/2011:
Wow busy girl :) I read the entire, Flower, Petals. If there be thorns.. Twisted family tale indeed!! You shall be entertained for quite some time!! Have a wonderful evening!!

~WI~ on 09/20/2011:
Such lovely things you did and so much you accomplished, great job!

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